Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
Sign in to follow this  
nori25

Desperately need help

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

5 hours ago, habib e najjaar said:

In my case, silence did not work, nor did caĺling out bad behavior, involving family made some bad habits stop apparently, but increased the resentment and hatred. Perhaps each case is different, but in my case, peace has come at the price of having to walk away from that toxicity after almost 7 years. Its a heavy price to pay, but I don't see any other way it would have worked. Remember, such parties never agree to counselling, never want to talk about an issue, never want family involved, and most importantly, never realise that what they are doing is wrong so you will spend an eternity trying to be a better spouse to prevent them from engaging in such behavior. But it will not stop, and they will feel "blackmailed" by your efforts to be a better spouse and resent and scheme against you even more. Toxicity just needs to be walked away from.

Totally agreed, But my opinion was for the case, if someone want to continue its marriage for its kids. I am also saying according to my observations that some husbands were too immature to understand their responsibility towards their family but the wives had in mind to keep an eye on them until their children grow up and when kids grew up, they were really enough and wives were free from their job. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, Hameedeh said:

Salam. Definitely do not leave right now.  If you go to your parents house, people will see you and then gossip that you were going out without your husband. Is it obvious that you are pregnant now; big in the abdomen? If you are, someone might ask how long have you been separated from your husband OR even ask is he the father of your baby, etc. 

Your guide should be to do what is best for yourself and your family.  You can’t allow yourself to be imprisoned by gossips.  Cowering to avoid gossips just gives them power over you.  Gossips are not making good decisions for themselves just by the fact that they choose to gossip, so why would you let them have any control about your decisions over yourself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, Rashida said:

Your guide should be to do what is best for yourself and your family.  You can’t allow yourself to be imprisoned by gossips.  Cowering to avoid gossips just gives them power over you.  Gossips are not making good decisions for themselves just by the fact that they choose to gossip, so why would you let them have any control about your decisions over yourself.

Islam says avoid suspicion and leaving her husband's home would cause that. She should not leave her husband while she is pregnant, unless he is physically abusive, and document it with photos or a video. After the baby is born, if he is not the loving husband and father he should be, then she can reassess her situation and ask her parents if she can go stay with them. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 minutes ago, Muhammed Ali said:

How is that relevant?

On the basis that if the OP's husband is interacting with other women, there is the possibility that he may wish to remarry. I for one would not find that acceptable. Yes, Islam gives men the right to have multiple wives, but a woman can also choose if she wants to remain a part of that new dynamic. I can't think of many women who would find that acceptable. Those who remain in a dynamic of this nature often do so because they are financially dependent on a man. Alhumdullillah the OP is not in such a predicament. 

Edited by Aflower

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
25 minutes ago, Hameedeh said:

Islam says avoid suspicion and leaving her husband's home would cause that. She should not leave her husband while she is pregnant, unless he is physically abusive, and document it with photos or a video. After the baby is born, if he is not the loving husband and father he should be, then she can reassess her situation and ask her parents if she can go stay with them. 

Emotional abuse can be a lot more impactful than physical abuse and can disrupt your pregnancy just as much.  Intense stress can cause premature labour. You can also have a significant physical injury that is not shown on film. What you do to protect yourself and your family needs to be based on your individual circumstance and need.  Avoid suspicion?  If the community is not able to protect you to the point that you have to cower to abusers - and malicious gossip is abusive, you need to take steps to protect yourself and your unborn child.  These ideas of ducking and hiding to vicious gossips need to stop.  People have been so bullied and abused by gossip - that is probably why backbiting is a sin. Why would we facilitate and give legitimacy to their practice.  It needs to stop.

Edited by Rashida

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Aflower said:

On the basis that if the OP's husband is interacting with other women, there is the possibility that he may wish to remarry. I for one would not find that acceptable. Yes, Islam gives men the right to have multiple wives, but a woman can also choose if she wants to remain a part of that new dynamic. I can't think of many women who would find that acceptable. Those who remain in a dynamic of this nature often do so because they are financially dependent on a man. Alhumdullillah the OP is not in such a predicament. 

How is it relevant given all the wrong he has done? He is committing big sins with another married woman and we ask the OP to consider whether she minds a co-wife? His character makes everything else irrelevant. She was even trying to put the blame on herself by suggesting she wasn't a good enough wife. Even if she was a terrible wife (which seems unlikely), it's irrelevant. 

Life is short and he isn't deserving of the company of a good wife. It would be an act of injustice for a good person to give their life to this man. 

However she should give priority to her pregnancy right now and think about the well-being of her unborn child, before making stressful decisions that may harm it. Maybe it is right to stay with him for as long as it is needed for the sake of the child, and then later make the decision to find another way. Allah knows better.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Muhammed Ali said:

How is it relevant given all the wrong he has done? He is committing big sins with another married woman and we ask the OP to consider whether she minds a co-wife? His character makes everything else irrelevant. She was even trying to put the blame on herself by suggesting she wasn't a good enough wife. Even if she was a terrible wife (which seems unlikely), it's irrelevant. 

Life is short and he isn't deserving of the company of a good wife. It would be an act of injustice for a good person to give their life to this man. 

However she should give priority to her pregnancy right now and think about the well-being of her unborn child, before making stressful decisions that may harm it. Maybe it is right to stay with him for as long as it is needed for the sake of the child, and then later make the decision to find another way. Allah knows better.

I personally completely agree with you. However... love can be an extremely powerful and binding force. Some women/men may choose to stay with an unfaithful husband/wife because they'd rather remain with them in that toxic dynamic than be without their partner. Would I choose this for myself? No. But I know some women/men who consciously and knowingly choose to remain in a relationship like this.

Also, some women/men choose to exhaust all options of reconciliation before letting go. Some people need to go through this process otherwise they will always think... what if I'd tried that... we may still have been together... he/she could have changed. Some women/men who are crazily in love with their partner need to exhaust every option and be deeply hurt/humiliated/pained by their partner before they are able to let go. Is this a self destructive process? Yes! But if you are whole heartedly and madly in love with your partner, sadly it's a means to an end. Love can make one do crazy things!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Rashida said:

Emotional abuse can be a lot more impactful than physical abuse and can disrupt your pregnancy just as much.  Intense stress can cause premature labour. You can also have a significant physical injury that is not shown on film. What you do to protect yourself and your family needs to be based on your individual circumstance and need.  Avoid suspicion?  If the community is not able to protect you to the point that you have to cower to abusers - and malicious gossip is abusive, you need to take steps to protect yourself and your unborn child.  These ideas of ducking and hiding to vicious gossips need to stop.  People have been so bullied and abused by gossip - that is probably why backbiting is a sin. Why would we facilitate and give legitimacy to their practice.  It needs to stop.

Agreed. I suffered a miscarriage due to the extreme emotional abuse and turmoil I faced prior to the divorce. The extreme physical abuse during the previous pregnancy did not cause me a miscarriage, by the Grace of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...