Desperately need help

[nori25]

Assalamu 3aleykom

I hope someone can give me advice on what to do

This is my situation:

Ive been married for almost 2,5yrs and have a 1yr old son. A few months ago, just days before our 2nd wedding anniversary I looked through my husbands phone when he was asleep as I saw something strange during the day. That is when I found out he had a secret fb account and was talking to a married woman with a child, there were some inappropriate parts where he would ask for nude pictures and flirt with her, she would call him pet names and flirt back but mostly they were sharing pics of the kids and asking how things were.

I felt totally betrayed and cheated on and I confronted him the next morning in the car. He apologized, got angry at himself and smashed his phone on the driving stick. I had to calm him down so he wouldnt make an accident and I let it go at that moment.

Afterwards we talked about it but I had to drag every bit of information out of him. In his eyes it was: I did something wrong, I said I was sorry and won’t do it again and now the conversation is over. Over the next couple of days I went all fbi on him and found out about him adding women to his fb account (he has his friends on private so id never saw who his friends were). I deleted his secret fb account and blocked and deleted that woman on all social media and changed his passwords.

From then on til now Ive tried to move on but I find myself still not trusting him and check his accounts regularly on which I don’t find anything special. I do not have access to his phone now which drives me crazy as I do not know if he has any new accounts or not. 

Ever since this happened I can’t get passed the idea that he is not attracted to me, and that he does not love me as he claims he does, I feel used as I did and do everything for him (from paying bills, getting his green card, wash his clothes, make food,...)

And when I look at old pictures, I feel like every picture we are on together is a lie, it also deeply hurt me that he shared our son with that woman, which is what probably hurt me the most since its so personal and means that it was more than just a physical thing.

I want advice on how to move on from this. I have no one I can talk to about this, since I do not want to involve our families or mosque. And also because I am pregnant with my second child. My pregnancy should be a happy period, but all I can think about is how hurt I am and I feel myself slipping away in depression and cry almost everyday

My husband does not know I feel like this right now as I try to hide it from him because he gets angry whenever I bring up what he did (as for him it is a thing in the past and we moved on).

My parents are leaving on holiday next week and I’m thinking of sleeping at their house for a week to take a break. But I do not want to mess up my marriage, I want to work through this and have my children being raised by 2parents

In sha Allah someone can give me some good advice and thank you for reading my story

choukran

[Rashida]

ws.  Some advices!

This is not a good situation but you can make it a little better.  

Let go of emotions and drama.  Stay off his cell phone, facebook and passwords as that is invading his privacy.  It will only lead to confrontation that will be destructive.  Don't do anything destructive.

His relationship(s) may be halal. He has a housewife with extras who pays bills and gets him his green card.  He is just adding to his success with willing women.  He has the right to do as he pleases with women, as long as it is halal.  

But you have rights too. Women are often encouraged to disregard their rights and to not use them.. That is wrong.  You do have rights and you do need to use them.   Like, right now would be a good time.

Don't strain yourself during your pregnancy.  Household chores are not required. Strictly, you are not required to feed or clean up after anyone but yourself.

Save your money or use it to help yourself.  You are not required to pay household bills.  

Ensure your son's emotional well being.  Stay close to him and make sure he knows that he is very loved and protected. Your son will know that he is always secure with you.  

Make yourself comfortable and calm. Draw back so you won’t be so hurt. Protect yourself.  You have to be in good shape to give birth and to then to take care of your children. 

Think logically, sensibly and have goals.   Plan steps on how to make them happen.  Don't be impatient. It may take years.  But planning dreams helps when you feel so low.  Your life is not over!  Perhaps could be just beginning.....

Your husband has accidentally revealed his life to you, twice. But you don't need to reveal your life goals and dreams to him. It is better to avoid his anger and turmoil.  

Quietly live your life and let him live his. You did nothing wrong.  Only your husband can decide if your children have two parents.  You are committed to be a good parent and hopefully he is too. 

You can't control him so be prepared for all outcomes. This is not a silly thought.  He has been dishonest to you so you cannot trust him. Accept that or you will be hurt again. You need to be aware and functional, not weeping.  You are not alone.  We all need to be extra strong at times. We never know what life has for us around the corner.

[nori25]

Thank you for advice

I do not agree with some points but I very much appreciate your help.

Does anyone else have some advice as well?

[habib e najjaar]

49 minutes ago, nori25 said:

Thank you for advice

I do not agree with some points but I very much appreciate your help.

Does anyone else have some advice as well?

Would he be willing to go for counselling? Ideally, the two families should be involved but if this is not possible, get counselling. I would strongly recommend having at least one trustworthy person on both sides of the family aware of what is happening. There is a reason he is doing this, and most likely it has nothing to do with you being any less, but you and your child/children will be the greatest victims of his unresolved problems if left unresolved.

I was advised that a person who is not willing to talk about a mistake they have done until you feel you can trust them again has not acknowledged the mistake, but just been caught pants down. Essentially, what they are asking for from you is not another chance to win your trust back, but another chance to do a better job at hiding what they may feel inclined to do every now and then.

May Allah protect you and your children, and your marriage and guide your spouse away from the delusions of shaytan which will only destroy him in the end.

[aaaz1618]

3 hours ago, Rashida said:

He is just adding to his success with willing women.  He has the right to do as he pleases with women, as long as it is halal.  

@nori25 This piece of advice is poor.

What he is doing is not halal, what if he had received nude photos, then what? He wanted them, that was his intention, he has been deceitful twice, this is not halal. Does this 'willing woman' know he has a wife and kids?

My advice is think about securing the future wellbeing of your children, not your husband who clearly wants it both ways, your children. Spend your money securing a life so that they will not suffer if you need to call it quits. He cannot demand you spend your money on him, but you have a right to spend it on your kids. My advice: go your separate ways now before your children are hurt.

Nobody should tolerate this, even when kids are involved, it's been not even three years and there are major warning signs that this won't be the happy wonderful marriage you had probably prayed for. His Green Card should not be a reason to treat you like this.

 

Edited July 11, 2019 by aaaz1618

[Revert1963]

On 7/10/2019 at 5:44 PM, nori25 said:

I hope someone can give me advice on what to do

It is seemingly harder for men to stay faithful than for women. That is just the way God created them and why the Qur'an allow them to have up to four wives. Not as a perk for the man, but in order to have regulations in place that will secure the rights of everyone involved. That is not an excuse for what he did because he apparently did not have enough spine to resist temptation.

I see at least two red flags in your story. The biggest red flag is the green card. If he is a person who see you as a ticket to the "promised land" the chances that he is a good Muslim is slim. The second is that you are paying his bills. When you are doing his laundry and cooking his food, he should be paying your bills. Even though it is understandable that you are doing it out of love for the man. When you are paying his bills you come across as someone who is desperate to keep a partner and that makes him more confident that he can take him self some liberties.
I think that you need some counseling. And in that process you have to ask your self if he is the right father for your children. It is possible that he can be reformed, but he needs to be willing to work on it. In some mosques they have marriages counseling, but the quality of it varies depending on who is running it. If it is someone who would just take your husbands side it is not good. You probably both have issues to work with, but the green card thing suggest that your husband is the one having the biggest issues.

[nori25]

16 hours ago, habib e najjaar said:

I was advised that a person who is not willing to talk about a mistake they have done until you feel you can trust them again has not acknowledged the mistake, but just been caught pants down. Essentially, what they are asking for from you is not another chance to win your trust back, but another chance to do a better job at hiding what they may feel inclined to do every now and then.

This is what I am scared of, especially because he also tried to downplay it as it was not physical contact, and it is also why I still don't trust him and am anxious about what is going on on his phone. Unfortunately counseling is also not an option as there are no good options where I live and because he only speaks Arabic and we live in a western country (I would end up having to translate for him and that is just not what I want to put my energy in)

15 hours ago, aaaz1618 said:

@nori25 This piece of advice is poor.

What he is doing is not halal, what if he had received nude photos, then what? He wanted them, that was his intention, he has been deceitful twice, this is not halal. Does this 'willing woman' know he has a wife and kids?

My advice is think about securing the future wellbeing of your children, not your husband who clearly wants it both ways, your children. Spend your money securing a life so that they will not suffer if you need to call it quits. He cannot demand you spend your money on him, but you have a right to spend it on your kids. My advice: go your separate ways now before your children are hurt.

Nobody should tolerate this, even when kids are involved, it's been not even three years and there are major warning signs that this won't be the happy wonderful marriage you had probably prayed for. His Green Card should not be a reason to treat you like this.

Yes she does, she even tried to add me on facebook and instagram, this woman and just the thought of her makes me physically ill. When we first got married, she even hacked his facebook and deleted any evidence of my existence and blocked me from his page, so she is vindictive towards me. At the time I just thought she was a crazy ex, but now im scared he had contact with her ever since I met my husband and throughout the entire wedding.

Ever since I found out I have been secretely putting money aside just in case.

14 hours ago, Revert1963 said:

I see at least two red flags in your story. The biggest red flag is the green card. If he is a person who see you as a ticket to the "promised land" the chances that he is a good Muslim is slim. The second is that you are paying his bills. When you are doing his laundry and cooking his food, he should be paying your bills. Even though it is understandable that you are doing it out of love for the man. When you are paying his bills you come across as someone who is desperate to keep a partner and that makes him more confident that he can take him self some liberties.
I think that you need some counseling. And in that process you have to ask your self if he is the right farther for your children. It is possible that he can be reformed, but he needs to be willing to work on it. 

To be totally honest, I never thought the green card was an issue for him, or even is at this time. But I could be wrong. As for paying the bills, he does work and pay as well, but I do the actual administration and make sure everything is payed on time. Financially he is not doing me short, alhamdulillah I can buy what I want.

I want to confront him with how I feel now and see what his reaction is, as I need to know how to move on from here.

[Abu Hadi]

3 hours ago, nori25 said:

Thank you for advice

I do not agree with some points but I very much appreciate your help.

Does anyone else have some advice as well?

Trust is something that is very easy to lose and very hard to get back. That is why I tell the brothers that if they are looking for another spouse, they should be honest about it with their current wife.  At the same time, his privacy is his privacy(just as yours is yours) , you should not go through his phone and his Facebook accounts which are not public. Spouses are not allowed to spy on each other and this is their right as it is everyone's right. To be honest, in all my years on ShiaChat and in real life, I have never heard of anything good or positive that came from spying. It only leads to anger, frustration, and mixed emotions, like the ones you are feeling, with no point and no purpose. 

If his goal in these activities is to marry again, his goal of seeking this marriage is not haram, but if he does anything haram in the process (like lying to you, stealing money from you that you did not give him, doing israf, looking at inappropriate pictures of someone who is not his wife or having illicit conversations with such a person) that stuff is still haram and he is accountable for that before Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). 

Just because something is halal doesn't mean it is wise to do under any circumstances. He has the right to marry another women, but you also have the right to receive financial support from him and it is not your responsibility to contribute to the household finances. So if he is asserting his rights to the fullest, then you also have the right to assert your rights in the fullest, if this is the path you choose to take. At the same time, the better course would be to talk to him and tell him about your feelings of insecurity with regard to the marriage because of his actions and see if there is a way to work it out in such a fashion as to regain the trust that has been lost between you. 

[nori25]

13 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Trust is something that is very easy to lose and very hard to get back. That is why I tell the brothers that if they are looking for another spouse, they should be honest about it with their current wife.  At the same time, his privacy is his privacy(just as yours is yours) , you should not go through his phone and his Facebook accounts which are not public. Spouses are not allowed to spy on each other and this is their right as it is everyone's right. To be honest, in all my years on ShiaChat and in real life, I have never heard of anything good or positive that came from spying. It only leads to anger, frustration, and mixed emotions, like the ones you are feeling, with no point and no purpose. 

If his goal in these activities is to marry again, his goal of seeking this marriage is not haram, but if he does anything haram in the process (like lying to you, stealing money from you that you did not give him, doing israf, looking at inappropriate pictures of someone who is not his wife or having illicit conversations with such a person) that stuff is still haram and he is accountable for that before Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). 

Just because something is halal doesn't mean it is wise to do under any circumstances. He has the right to marry another women, but you also have the right to receive financial support from him and it is not your responsibility to contribute to the household finances. So if he is asserting his rights to the fullest, then you also have the right to assert your rights in the fullest, if this is the path you choose to take. At the same time, the better course would be to talk to him and tell him about your feelings of insecurity with regard to the marriage because of his actions and see if there is a way to work it out in such a fashion as to regain the trust that has been lost between you. 

I never went through his phone until I saw something shady and also because he was acting weird. I never really expected to find something. Sometimes I regret looking through it, because back then I was blissfully unaware. But if I hadnt found out, I don't think he would've stopped the contact. If you have nothing to hide, than why would you add a long password for access on your phone and not use your phone when your wife is sitting next to you? This is why I want to look through his phone, I believe between husband and wife there should be no secrets. Even if he wanted to look for a second wife, it is allowed in Islam and I have never withheld that right from him, it is just the fact that he is not honest with me that bothers me the most. 

An honest conversation is the best thing to do, I just have no idea how to bring it up without him feeling attacked. I want to get to the entire truth in a calm way so I can move on

[aaaz1618]

Nothing is worth losing your sanity over. Nothing.

[Abu Hadi]

13 hours ago, nori25 said:

I never went through his phone until I saw something shady and also because he was acting weird. I never really expected to find something. Sometimes I regret looking through it, because back then I was blissfully unaware. But if I hadnt found out, I don't think he would've stopped the contact. If you have nothing to hide, than why would you add a long password for access on your phone and not use your phone when your wife is sitting next to you? This is why I want to look through his phone, I believe between husband and wife there should be no secrets. Even if he wanted to look for a second wife, it is allowed in Islam and I have never withheld that right from him, it is just the fact that he is not honest with me that bothers me the most. 

An honest conversation is the best thing to do, I just have no idea how to bring it up without him feeling attacked. I want to get to the entire truth in a calm way so I can move on

The best thing to do is to talk about how you feel, then let the conversation progress from there in a natural way. If you or him start to get extremely upset, yelling, calling names, etc, then have the good sense to leave the area or end the conversation at that point and just tell him that well discuss it later when were both more calm. The worst thing you could do is make it into a blame game, 'you did this, you did that'. That won't go anywhere. Again, if you feel yourself start to go in that direction, end the conversation and pick up again when you're better in control of the emotions. 

[notme]

4 hours ago, habib e najjaar said:

. I would strongly recommend having at least one trustworthy person on both sides of the family aware of what is happening.

I strongly disagree with this. Bringing family in will only complicate matters and make it more difficult to make peace. Only ever involve family as a last resort, like if it's the only way to avoid divorce.

Talking through your feelings with him is a good idea. Also maybe ask why he wants to have another woman hidden from you. Did he have a relationship with her before you were married or since? Keep your emotions level when discussing, try not to judge or feel hurt in the moment, just try to understand each other.

But if he doesn't want to talk you're going to have to respect that, and arrive at peace on your own. This doesn't have to wreck your marriage, but rebuilding trust is hard.

[Guest inshallah]

have faith .,,,,,49:12 Qur'an  best to ask furqan for advice invoke your lords name ya haqq   after to units of nafil prayer relax and say oh Qur'an I invoke my lords name ya haqq-u I need advice read bismilah and open the furqan karim God willing you will find the solution to your problem oh and read nad e Ali seven times to calm your self down your lord knows best he is all seeing all knowing all hearing not you take care God bless 

[habib e najjaar]

44 minutes ago, notme said:

I strongly disagree with this. Bringing family in will only complicate matters and make it more difficult to make peace. Only ever involve family as a last resort, like if it's the only way to avoid divorce.

Talking through your feelings with him is a good idea. Also maybe ask why he wants to have another woman hidden from you. Did he have a relationship with her before you were married or since? Keep your emotions level when discussing, try not to judge or feel hurt in the moment, just try to understand each other.

But if he doesn't want to talk you're going to have to respect that, and arrive at peace on your own. This doesn't have to wreck your marriage, but rebuilding trust is hard.

In dealing with divorce matters in my line of work, we came across a lot of incidences where a lot of the incidences that led to the divorce could have been dealt with early on through family or external counseling if people knew they were happening. Unfortunately, we ignore the advice from the Qur'an to sit the two sides down and have a talk about what is happening. Bringing in the entire clans from both sides is rarely of any use, but there is always the level headed people on both sides who can give the matter perspective. I know of incidences where physical violence stopped once it was reported. Another one was not providing for the wife, but once it became known to a few members of the family and was discussed, it got resolved. So I still insist that it is necessary for some level headed members of the family to be aware if there is a serious problem which needs intervention. As for day to day disagreements and petty squabbles, they do not need to be aired to the family, this goes without saying.

The part in bold.. take me through this. How exactly can one decide to have a marriage without trust? How does that work? And if it takes him talking to earn back trust, and he does not want to do that, is he not essentially wrecking the marriage?

Edited July 11, 2019 by habib e najjaar

[notme]

31 minutes ago, habib e najjaar said:

The part in bold.. take me through this. How exactly can one decide to have a marriage without trust? How does that work? And if it takes him talking to earn back trust, and he does not want to do that, is he not essentially wrecking the marriage? 

The husband feels that he's already talked it through and it has been resolved.

Definitely talking is better. Maybe he has another wife and this wife just was never informed. Maybe he has an addiction to attention. Maybe his wife was accidentally rejecting him in some way and that led him, in his weakness, to turn to another. Without discussion, she will never know.

But her insisting on talking while he is refusing will only cause more negative feeling, which will eventually hurt both spouses and children. I partly agree with the poster who said she should resolve to be independent and guard her emotions from him since he's proven himself untrustworthy, but that's no relationship. But on the other hand, maybe in time, with calmness, he will be ready to talk when his emotions have leveled a bit.

It's been my experience that women are accustomed to talking through strong emotions, but men are accustomed to withdrawing until they are able to control strong emotions before talking.

Maybe my experience is not representative of all humanity.

 

Edited July 11, 2019 by notme
typos

[BowTie]

If you’re saying he randomly adds girls he probably craves attention, maybe his confidence is low and he wants to feel he still got it. 

I think you ought to talk to him about why is hes doing this or why he was talking to a married woman exchanging nude pictures and pictures of each others kids, thats sorta weird. But I think you need to know why, and he needs to know why. I think counselling is the best thing to do

[nori25]

Thank you everyone for your advice

I have decided to talk to my husband in a calm way and not push him. I am becoming physically ill from bottling up my emotions so that is not an option anymore as I do not want to harm my unborn baby. If I had any part in unknowingly pushing my husband away towards another woman, I want to know this, so I do not repeat it. I want to believe I am a good wife to him, but if I did something wrong or didnt give him enough attention than this is something I want to be aware of.

Having family members involved is not an option, his brother is the only one living in the same country as us and his habits are even worse than what my husband did, and if my dad would ever find out he would demand an immediate divorce.

Please keep me and my family in your prayers. 

[Muslimthought97]

42 minutes ago, nori25 said:

Thank you everyone for your advice

I have decided to talk to my husband in a calm way and not push him. I am becoming physically ill from bottling up my emotions so that is not an option anymore as I do not want to harm my unborn baby. If I had any part in unknowingly pushing my husband away towards another woman, I want to know this, so I do not repeat it. I want to believe I am a good wife to him, but if I did something wrong or didnt give him enough attention than this is something I want to be aware of.

Having family members involved is not an option, his brother is the only one living in the same country as us and his habits are even worse than what my husband did, and if my dad would ever find out he would demand an immediate divorce.

Please keep me and my family in your prayers. 

Salam Nori, first of all I want you to know you seem like you've been doing an excellent job and a faithful spouse who cares about their marriage and children. I understand how you may feel and you also have every right to feel upset/angry or whatever the emotions are and keeping them bottled is indeed not a good thing. As this is the internet advice here can only be vague, but it does not matter what someone does this is never an excuse for a partner to be adding women and asking for nudes, etc. all of this is undignified behavior. I would say you're making the right decision to have a talk about it and try to resolve it and having doubts about their trust is only natural but if you get to a resolution, then leave it to Allah and try move on. If things don't go well work towards securing the safety and security of yourself and your children but hopefully you can get it resolved. I wish you all the best, you're situation is not easy but be strong and you will make it through

Edited July 11, 2019 by Muslimthought97

[BowTie]

55 minutes ago, nori25 said:

Thank you everyone for your advice

I have decided to talk to my husband in a calm way and not push him. I am becoming physically ill from bottling up my emotions so that is not an option anymore as I do not want to harm my unborn baby. If I had any part in unknowingly pushing my husband away towards another woman, I want to know this, so I do not repeat it. I want to believe I am a good wife to him, but if I did something wrong or didnt give him enough attention than this is something I want to be aware of.

Having family members involved is not an option, his brother is the only one living in the same country as us and his habits are even worse than what my husband did, and if my dad would ever find out he would demand an immediate divorce.

Please keep me and my family in your prayers. 

Its good what you’re doing but you can’t believe you are the problem. Maybe he bas low self esteem or low self confidence and feels he is in need of attention of others. 

You can’t blame yourself because “you want to be a good wife”. 

 

Just to add, breaking the phone doesnt necessarily mean remorse, he is breaking “shame” or what made his “shame” get discovered. Thats why its important he also knows why hes doing that so he understands what he did was wrong, or how to control himself. Sometimes a person needs to confront himself

Edited July 11, 2019 by BowTie

[Rashida]

9 hours ago, nori25 said:

Thank you for advice

I do not agree with some points but I very much appreciate your help.

Wanted to clarify to what I wrote before.

 

What I meant was that it is a hard situation and you are very hurt and will probably continue to be hurt.   But you have to not be emotionally crippled. Don't let his actions make you unable to be strong.  Good part is dealing with actual reality is better than making your life decisions based on a false reality.

 

You need to get through the pregnancy with no problems.  That is why I said stay calm and control what you can.  

 

He has long contemplated before he acted as he easily continued after you found out.  You cannot trust him.  Don't fool yourself, wanting with all your heart to trust someone does not make them change. He needs to want to change.  But why would he?  He has it all and he probably sees you as fully dependent on him with no options. Threatening to leave him will just make him bury it deeper and tell more lies.  Lies will get more and more complicated. You will never really know where he is, what he is doing or who he is talking to. Why put yourself through that?  Put yourself in control, don't let his lies drive you crazy.  You need to stay sane. 

 

You need to have a life that is not dependent on his whims and indiscretions whether they are halal or not.  Good part is you can do that.

 

I am not saying to accept this in any way. I am not. I am saying that you need to withdraw and not be open to hurt because that will drain you. Good part is you have family who will not blame you and access to money which is much more than many women in this situation. 

 

Think this through as to what you are willing to accept or not accept.  It sounds like you are physically safe and cared for so you can have your baby safely.  Take care of yourself first or you will not be strong for your children.

 

Establish your place in the marriage.    Save your money. Let your family know about what is going on ONLY when you are firm in your decisions as to what you are going to do, so you are not batted around like a ball by everyone else’s blame game moves (as mentioned in a post), when they find out. 

 

For counselling to work he would have to be repentant and wanting very much to change or it is totally useless and creates false hope for you. Does he want to change or does he just not want to get caught?  Unless you can view him from a different angle, you will not be able to determine that.  

 

Having a marriage and two babies is a vulnerable positions but mama bear strength can make us do a lot of things that we did not think we could do.  You seem thoughtful and reflective and you need to trust that what you decide is the best you can do and then do it with confidence.  Have faith in yourself, you will make the best out of this situation. 

Edited July 11, 2019 by Rashida

[Flying_Eagle]

16 hours ago, nori25 said:

Assalamu 3aleykom

I hope someone can give me advice on what to do

This is my situation:

Ive been married for almost 2,5yrs and have a 1yr old son. A few months ago, just days before our 2nd wedding anniversary I looked through my husbands phone when he was asleep as I saw something strange during the day. That is when I found out he had a secret fb account and was talking to a married woman with a child, there were some inappropriate parts where he would ask for nude pictures and flirt with her, she would call him pet names and flirt back but mostly they were sharing pics of the kids and asking how things were.

I felt totally betrayed and cheated on and I confronted him the next morning in the car. He apologized, got angry at himself and smashed his phone on the driving stick. I had to calm him down so he wouldnt make an accident and I let it go at that moment.

Afterwards we talked about it but I had to drag every bit of information out of him. In his eyes it was: I did something wrong, I said I was sorry and won’t do it again and now the conversation is over. Over the next couple of days I went all fbi on him and found out about him adding women to his fb account (he has his friends on private so id never saw who his friends were). I deleted his secret fb account and blocked and deleted that woman on all social media and changed his passwords.

From then on til now Ive tried to move on but I find myself still not trusting him and check his accounts regularly on which I don’t find anything special. I do not have access to his phone now which drives me crazy as I do not know if he has any new accounts or not. 

Ever since this happened I can’t get passed the idea that he is not attracted to me, and that he does not love me as he claims he does, I feel used as I did and do everything for him (from paying bills, getting his green card, wash his clothes, make food,...)

And when I look at old pictures, I feel like every picture we are on together is a lie, it also deeply hurt me that he shared our son with that woman, which is what probably hurt me the most since its so personal and means that it was more than just a physical thing.

I want advice on how to move on from this. I have no one I can talk to about this, since I do not want to involve our families or mosque. And also because I am pregnant with my second child. My pregnancy should be a happy period, but all I can think about is how hurt I am and I feel myself slipping away in depression and cry almost everyday

My husband does not know I feel like this right now as I try to hide it from him because he gets angry whenever I bring up what he did (as for him it is a thing in the past and we moved on).

My parents are leaving on holiday next week and I’m thinking of sleeping at their house for a week to take a break. But I do not want to mess up my marriage, I want to work through this and have my children being raised by 2parents

In sha Allah someone can give me some good advice and thank you for reading my story

choukran

Dear sister, no need to be desperate, there are two kinds of people:

1. Wise Husbands

2. Wise Wives, 

So, either a good husband has a very immature wife or an wise wife has immature husband. Hence, the responsibility of wise partner is to keep constant eye upon its immature partner and fight for your right if they are wrong with a mighty heart so that he or she may know that you are person to be reckoned with. I assure you that you will be free of such sense of insecurity because when kids reach in the age of discretion, they will do your job and your husband won't commit such mistakes for the fear that his kids may not consider him wrong.

[3wliya_maryam]

12 hours ago, Rashida said:

His relationship(s) may be halal. He has a housewife with extras who pays bills and gets him his green card.  He is just adding to his success with willing women.  He has the right to do as he pleases with women, as long as it is halal.  

Before I even comment on the user's post I'd like to say that this is such a lame and rubbish excuse for a guy. "Has the right to do as he pleases with women, as long as it is halal", so sending nudes and being all flirty with a married woman is now permissible. Sorry but I can't even get over how stupid this sounds, just bc he's a guy doesn't mean he  has the freedom and can go around and select random women to fancy with

17 hours ago, nori25 said:

Assalamu 3aleykom

I hope someone can give me advice on what to do

This is my situation:

Ive been married for almost 2,5yrs and have a 1yr old son. A few months ago, just days before our 2nd wedding anniversary I looked through my husbands phone when he was asleep as I saw something strange during the day. That is when I found out he had a secret fb account and was talking to a married woman with a child, there were some inappropriate parts where he would ask for nude pictures and flirt with her, she would call him pet names and flirt back but mostly they were sharing pics of the kids and asking how things were.

I felt totally betrayed and cheated on and I confronted him the next morning in the car. He apologized, got angry at himself and smashed his phone on the driving stick. I had to calm him down so he wouldnt make an accident and I let it go at that moment.

Afterwards we talked about it but I had to drag every bit of information out of him. In his eyes it was: I did something wrong, I said I was sorry and won’t do it again and now the conversation is over. Over the next couple of days I went all fbi on him and found out about him adding women to his fb account (he has his friends on private so id never saw who his friends were). I deleted his secret fb account and blocked and deleted that woman on all social media and changed his passwords.

From then on til now Ive tried to move on but I find myself still not trusting him and check his accounts regularly on which I don’t find anything special. I do not have access to his phone now which drives me crazy as I do not know if he has any new accounts or not. 

Ever since this happened I can’t get passed the idea that he is not attracted to me, and that he does not love me as he claims he does, I feel used as I did and do everything for him (from paying bills, getting his green card, wash his clothes, make food,...)

And when I look at old pictures, I feel like every picture we are on together is a lie, it also deeply hurt me that he shared our son with that woman, which is what probably hurt me the most since its so personal and means that it was more than just a physical thing.

I want advice on how to move on from this. I have no one I can talk to about this, since I do not want to involve our families or mosque. And also because I am pregnant with my second child. My pregnancy should be a happy period, but all I can think about is how hurt I am and I feel myself slipping away in depression and cry almost everyday

My husband does not know I feel like this right now as I try to hide it from him because he gets angry whenever I bring up what he did (as for him it is a thing in the past and we moved on).

My parents are leaving on holiday next week and I’m thinking of sleeping at their house for a week to take a break. But I do not want to mess up my marriage, I want to work through this and have my children being raised by 2parents

In sha Allah someone can give me some good advice and thank you for reading my story

choukran

I'm so sorry sister I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you considering the fact that you're going to have a second child. That's like such a difficult thing to handle 

You don't deserve any of this and your husband should've known better. I don't even know how the hell he is able to handle that guilt and move on like nothing happened. I understand that you want your kids to live with both parents which is what every mother wants, but I'm telling you its going to take a very long time for him to gain your trust back. You deserve to have a break. Go stay in your family's house for a while, and think this through. To be honest, if you have a close sibling who you can talk to and can trust them for not snitching (I don't know if this is a good idea), or if you have a close friend then thats even better. You need support from someone who you really trust and who is able to support you in the decision that you're making. All of this isn't good for your mental health and its honestly so sad. You must have that support from a true friend or at least counseling.

inshallah all the best for u

fee amanillah

[2Timeless]

If he can’t be a man and respect your right to depend on him financially, I don’t see why you should respect his right to lead a secret double life. 

If I was in your position, I'd make clear that I don’t want any cowives and if he can’t live without marrying multiple women, he can do that without me. Your situation is different considering that you have a son. If you don’t mind him getting remarried, you may as well find him a second wife yourself. If you do, then make that clear and ask him what pushed him away from you that caused him to cheat.

[Rashida]

52 minutes ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

Before I even comment on the user's post I'd like to say that this is such a lame and rubbish excuse for a guy. "Has the right to do as he pleases with women, as long as it is halal", so sending nudes and being all flirty with a married woman is now permissible. 

 

I was being blatant and clear. It is not an excuse. That is reality, not my personal opinion but reality.  She has to deal with reality regardless of how filthy and perverted that it sounds.  She needs to base her actions on what is permissible. We do not know the status of these women. We can’t assume as we do not know them.They could be single, divorced or widowed and it is possible that he entered into a temporary relationship with them.  We don't know. And unless she knows them personally, she does not know either.  I was clear that he had those rights to do as he pleases and add relationships, if if they were halal.  

Just because something is halal does not make it the right thing to do.  But it is permissible if it is halal.  It is horrible to put the woman who cares for him and is having his children into his careless and selfish Peter Pan life and then to be dishonest about it. It is disgusting to know that he has so little respect for himself and for his marriage.  BUT  The bottom line is that he has a lot of Islamic permissible avenues for him to follow that are totally halal.  When you are a woman in a situation like this, and I hope that you never are, you are forced to deal with reality.. not what you think it should be, could be, would be... and then you need to base your actions on what your real options are.

I asked for her to make sure she stays within the bounds of Islam (did not specify it like that but mentioned it - like not spying on him) so that she has a firm clear foundation to exercise her rights.  Most women feel powerless when they are treated like this.  She needs to feel strong and confident and secure that she is capable of creating a life for herself and her children.  Women have rights and they need to exercise them - that is my message and I was trying to be loud and clear.  She has been treated badly but she does not have to remain a victim.

I did not suggest an action plan but did emphasize that she is strong and capable to make her own decision when she is strong enough, to fully believe in herself, and not to fall into traps like chasing him around and trying to figure out what he is up to and allowing her life to be chaotic and erratic and held ransom by his behaviour.  

 

Edited July 11, 2019 by Rashida

[habib e najjaar]

2 hours ago, Flying_Eagle said:

Dear sister, no need to be desperate, there are two kinds of people:

1. Wise Husbands

2. Wise Wives, 

So, either a good husband has a very immature wife or an wise wife has immature husband. Hence, the responsibility of wise partner is to keep constant eye upon its immature partner and fight for your right if they are wrong with a mighty heart so that he or she may know that you are person to be reckoned with. I assure you that you will be free of such sense of insecurity because when kids reach in the age of discretion, they will do your job and your husband won't commit such mistakes for the fear that his kids may not consider him wrong.

I beg to disagree. Many times, the wise partner will be attacked viciously by the less wise one if they even try to show that they are a force to be reckoned with. Weak people already know that you are a force to be reckoned with, but this only serves to increase their resentment towards you for being able to identify and point out at wrongs. 

[Flying_Eagle]

3 minutes ago, habib e najjaar said:

I beg to disagree. Many times, the wise partner will be attacked viciously by the less wise one if they even try to show that they are a force to be reckoned with. Weak people already know that you are a force to be reckoned with, but this only serves to increase their resentment towards you for being able to identify and point out at wrongs. 

I have seen people who are brave and who took stand to have achieved relief while standing silent makes you more vulnerable. Even less wise individual wants peace in his life. 

[habib e najjaar]

57 minutes ago, Flying_Eagle said:

I have seen people who are brave and who took stand to have achieved relief while standing silent makes you more vulnerable. Even less wise individual wants peace in his life. 

Silence is not a solution  definitely. But calling out a bad person isnt either. If a person is truly tocic, walk away, before their toxicity poisons your entire existence.

[Flying_Eagle]

1 hour ago, habib e najjaar said:

Silence is not a solution  definitely. But calling out a bad person isnt either. If a person is truly tocic, walk away, before their toxicity poisons your entire existence.

And where there is no walking away ? What will you do ? brother. Stay silent that he or she may take advantage of you at any time ?

[Muhammed Ali]

That man is a devil.

[iCenozoic]

I don't know about this. Old habits can be hard to break. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Dishonesty, secrecy, adultery, defacto pornography...

Sounds like trouble. 

[Aflower]

@nori25

I'm sorry to read about your situation. As a woman in her thirties who has come across many stories of infidelity on the part of both sexes, the one thing that I can tell you with a fair amount of certainty is that 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. The good news is that you are financially independent and presumably still quite young. The questions you have to ask yourself are twofold:

(1) Would you find it acceptable for your husband to potentially remarry and have a second wife?

(2) Would you be willing to continue this relationship in the knowledge that your husband could be having an affair (virtual/real) now or in the future?

If the answer to any of these questions are no,  I suggest that you leave your husband while you are still young and have a bright future ahead of you. 

[Aflower]

1 hour ago, iCenozoic said:

I don't know about this. Old habits can be hard to break. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Dishonesty, secrecy, adultery, defacto pornography...

Sounds like trouble. 

I read your post after I wrote mine. I totally agree with you. 

[habib e najjaar]

6 hours ago, Flying_Eagle said:

And where there is no walking away ? What will you do ? brother. Stay silent that he or she may take advantage of you at any time ?

In my case, silence did not work, nor did caĺling out bad behavior, involving family made some bad habits stop apparently, but increased the resentment and hatred. Perhaps each case is different, but in my case, peace has come at the price of having to walk away from that toxicity after almost 7 years. Its a heavy price to pay, but I don't see any other way it would have worked. Remember, such parties never agree to counselling, never want to talk about an issue, never want family involved, and most importantly, never realise that what they are doing is wrong so you will spend an eternity trying to be a better spouse to prevent them from engaging in such behavior. But it will not stop, and they will feel "blackmailed" by your efforts to be a better spouse and resent and scheme against you even more. Toxicity just needs to be walked away from.

[Hameedeh]

On 7/10/2019 at 5:44 PM, nori25 said:

My parents are leaving on holiday next week and I’m thinking of sleeping at their house for a week to take a break. But I do not want to mess up my marriage, I want to work through this and have my children being raised by 2parents

Salam. Definitely do not leave right now.  If you go to your parents house, people will see you and then gossip that you were going out without your husband. Is it obvious that you are pregnant now; big in the abdomen? If you are, someone might ask how long have you been separated from your husband OR even ask is he the father of your baby, etc. 

[Islandsandmirrors]

Sister, it is so heartbreaking to read your post. I’m so sorry that you had to learn of infidelity. Know that you are not at fault. Your husband definitely does not value the importance of weathering through the storms of marriage (or any issue) and has looked to escape from life. Cheaters cheat due to learned behavior or dissatisfaction that they’ve repressed within themselves. It’s problems that they have, within only themselves, and not on you. Cheating is never your fault. Cheaters are consciously choosing to break their marriage vows. They are not trying to hurt you — they are selfish and impatient. 

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let me assure you that the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, and a lack of trust is completely normal to feel. Cheating, wether it be emotionally checking out of the relationship or physically being intimate with someone else, can take a toll on your self-esteem. Cheating isn’t like disagreeing with what to eat for dinner: it’s a complete breach of trust and can lead to a break down of the relationship. 

Understand that you have two options. Neither are more valid or better than the other. What you decide to do will ultimately be the best decision for you. If you decide to stay with your husband, that is entirely your choice. Some women will shame you for staying with a cheater. Some people don’t believe in staying with a person who serially and habitually cheats. You have to decide what you would like to do. No one, unless they’ve been in your shoes, can shame you for the decision to stay, if you choose to do so. Cheating can be worked through, and the couple may come out stronger on the other side. If you want to stay, know that couples counseling is a must. With cheating, you must never do individual counseling, if you want to work on the relationship. That’s mainly because in individual therapy, the therapist is trained for you to view your own happiness and satisfaction as the ultimate importance of one’s life, not about working through the cheating. If you want to stay, tell your husband that counseling is a must, or else you will surely leave him. There is no way around this. If he still has love for you, he will work this with you and attend counseling. If he flat out refuses, he simply doesn’t care enough about you or the relationship. A marriage therapist will be able to get you both to reach a comfortable and steady level of trust. It’ll take time, but eventually, through therapy, you may relearn to trust each other. 

If you decide to leave, then have a plan. Make sure you have support, a place to live, and file for divorce. If you are afraid to leave due to cultural issues and taboos surrounding divorce, just know that it’s all noise, and to focus on the end goal: to get out of a relationship that doesn’t serve you.