Man who left his wife and a daughter

[SyedaNaqvi1]

Assalam o alaikum,

Sorry for the long post .

I am from Pakistan ,27 yrs old and have a daughter who just turned two. I got married to a guy in 2016 . It was an arranged marriage and our families met through a common friend. I was a permanent resident in Canada and was supposed to move to Canada the same year. we had our nikkah first in august 2015 and then the rukhsati took place in may 2016. After nikkah, there was some tension built up between both the families as my husband's mother is not very good at tolerating things done/said and so are people at my end. So basically, two egoistic families started to have problems. I somehow convinced my family that rukhsati should take place before things become even more worse and had the courage to tell them about the things they were wrong at. Anyways, after rukhsati my mother in law right on the second day after the wedding said I wanted my son to divorce you but just because I have a daughter too I did not want to get into that. I started to panic and I was never afraid of anyone but this lady who was now my MIL. she started to say abusive words to my family/parents and everyone she knew in my family. She had returned the clothes that my family had given to my husband's family and relatives saying they were outdated. Nobody from my family came to fight or argue with her or anyonee My family stopped talking to my husbands family as my MIL would always use foul language and my family never had to deal with such words/language/ attitude with anyone before. Anyways, my husband would always keep quiet and would never care if I was hurt or not. I was never approached by my husband saying things to me that would make me feel that someone at his place atleast cares for me. All he said to me was that he doesn't need words to express anything since our relation is more of an intimate and this should be more than enough for me to understand/realize that he is there for me. He never respected my family and was not on talking terms with any one of them. I never said anything to him about this and never made this an issue even though it would hurt me seeing him behave that way but I still never brought this topic up.

I was never of a type to demand anything. I have never asked my husband for anything in this 3 years of marriage. Not even for our daughter. whenever we would have quarrels at home, my Sister in law and mother in law would side each other and I had to deal with both of them. this had been going on for 4 months and then in october 2016 I moved to Canada. I was not on talking terms with his family . We applied for his sponsorship which all got approved in may 2018 and he came to Canada in sep 2018.I was working all this time to support myself financially even though my father would do it for me and my daughter but I did not like asking him for money.Ever since the application was approved, he was a completely different man. He wouldn't show love that he used to show or say/do things that he would . It became even more worse after coming to Canada. We would have arguments he would go days without talking to me or even look at me. I would always ask him to forget about it and move on as we had a daughter who would notice all these things and this was certainly not a good thing for us as a family. He would not meet my parents and I also started working since I did not want to do two jobs to keep up with the expenses and even if he had to support his family it will be easier for us. I was never the one to have any issues with husband if he wanted to support his family in any way . Still he would not appreciate and would hide things and do things behind me. Whenever we used to go out, he would be on call with his mother back home. and I would be alone whether it was for grocery or shopping or whatsoever. I have felt myself alone even when he was there with me all this time. And finally on eid , we got into a huge fight and he just left home . He went to  stay with his brother in a different province without realizing how my daughter and I would live and how am I going to manage all the expenses. As I was the one paying for grocery, car insurance and other bills as well . He was just paying the rent. I don't want any financial support from him and never wanted as you have read in my post. All I wanted was the emotional attachment, understanding and care from him. I want to be with him but at the same time I don't want to spend my life making or begging a man to care or show some respect and love towards his wife. I need some help please. I need to know what should I do. 

[arch1027116]

I can feel your pain. You need to stay strong and think of it as a test from Allah.

Did you ever have a conversation with him regarding how you feel about his behaviour? How did he react to that? Ask him if he is ready to see some marriage counsellor. 

[Isaam]

From my honest point of view, leave him. Move back with your family for now and file a divorce. If you stay in a abusive relationship all your life you are going to regret. Maybe call him and try to talk to him first, but if that doesn’t work out for you guys , just leave him and move back with your parents for now. And make dua to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)

[SyedaNaqvi1]

I am doing everything that I could when it comes to dua/nawafil/hajat/ziyarat/surah everything. I tried contacting him but he is such a coward to even respond. He won't answer my calls or even read my messages. He has done this before as well. He wouldn't talk to me for months and don't even realize he has a daughter. Can a man be that cruel and heardhearted towards his wife and a daughter? and what about his mother ? Why did she not tell to go back to the wife and daughter since we are a family and just for the sake of ego he is willing to leave us .  He may move on with life as everyone does nobody dies but still is he ever going to realize what he has done to us . I think I am going mad . There are days when I find myself strong and confident and ready to accept that is how it is going to be and to move on. And then there are times when I just feel that its over . How am I going to deal with my daughter who is going to be without a father ?? 

[SyedaNaqvi1]

5 hours ago, arch1027116 said:

I can feel your pain. You need to stay strong and think of it as a test from Allah.

Did you ever have a conversation with him regarding how you feel about his behaviour? How did he react to that? Ask him if he is ready to see some marriage counsellor. 

I have asked him multiple times if we could see a marriage counsellor. But he refuses saying he doesn't need any counselling. He always has the guts to say I was not good enough for him and his family. I am sure he must be having his side of the story too which I understand but I expect the same from him which is to understand me his wife. I want to be respected the way he and his family demands. Whatever feelings our families for each other this shouldn't have affected us but it did. I have been going to psychologists to prevent myself from going nuts just for the sake of my daughter who needs me more than anyone in this world. 

[Guest]

Sister, 

1. Stop calling him and asking him to come back and suggesting counselling etc. I know you are doing this to save your marriage and for the sake of your daughter and it feels like the right thing to do but you have done this step, for now leave him to his ways. It's just draining you emotionally.  

This might seem difficult at first since it's second nature for women to try and save the relationship but once you get over the initial urge to contact him, it would be free you from the constant mental load that you had been carrying. Meanwhile, it will give you a chance to experience life with him being totally out of the picture and this itself will tell you over a few weeks whether the marriage is salvageable or not. 

2. Straighten out your own life. He hasn't been much of a husband and irrespective of what the future holds for your marriage it feels like your will always have to shoulder the lion's share of responsibilities so start working on your career, and focus on becoming independent financially, emotionally and socially.

3. This might seem difficult but you and your little one will get through this just fine. 

Duas.

[Guest MIL]

5 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

as my husband's mother is not very good at tolerating things done/said

How are we not as a community raising awareness of the catastrophic behaviour of many - not all - mother in laws?

[Isaam]

4 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

I am doing everything that I could when it comes to dua/nawafil/hajat/ziyarat/surah everything. I tried contacting him but he is such a coward to even respond. He won't answer my calls or even read my messages. He has done this before as well. He wouldn't talk to me for months and don't even realize he has a daughter. Can a man be that cruel and heardhearted towards his wife and a daughter? and what about his mother ? Why did she not tell to go back to the wife and daughter since we are a family and just for the sake of ego he is willing to leave us .  He may move on with life as everyone does nobody dies but still is he ever going to realize what he has done to us . I think I am going mad . There are days when I find myself strong and confident and ready to accept that is how it is going to be and to move on. And then there are times when I just feel that its over . How am I going to deal with my daughter who is going to be without a father ?? 

You know Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) always tries to help his servants. Maybe this is a sign things don’t work out. If he doesn’t contact with in a couple of weeks or months, just tell him you want a divorce, and file for one. Then maybe move back with your parents a bit, but keep working and maybe find someone who is right for you?

Because it seems you don’t like this guy and vice versa

[SyedaNaqvi1]

2 hours ago, Isaam said:

You know Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) always tries to help his servants. Maybe this is a sign things don’t work out. If he doesn’t contact with in a couple of weeks or months, just tell him you want a divorce, and file for one. Then maybe move back with your parents a bit, but keep working and maybe find someone who is right for you?

Because it seems you don’t like this guy and vice versa

He is my husband. Allah had sent him to me . He is a father of my daughter. Why wouldn’t I like him. I am in love with him and will always be . I don’t want anyone I cannot even think of anyone other than him. He loves me too . But to him his mother/ego/anger is of more importance. And these things hold a great value in his life that he was okay walking out on his wife and daughter. 

[Quran313]

May Allah solve your problem. Do dua for you. Ive been with a roommate with bad Aklaq and I had a hard time. Definitely marriage much different.

Talk with him. Do not fight. Talk with  him. remind him his reponsibilities. When he wasn't supportive in the past, you should have talked with him. You need to tell him about his responsibilities financially, emotionally, etc. When you feel he doesn't understand that he should do something, you need to talk to him. Don't keep all frustration in yourself for long time and then have a big fight. You need to have regular conversations and talks with him to solve issues and to avoid fights.

I do Dua. Inshaallah it will be solved

Edited June 28, 2019 by Quran313

[Isaam]

8 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

He is my husband. Allah had sent him to me . He is a father of my daughter. Why wouldn’t I like him. I am in love with him and will always be . I don’t want anyone I cannot even think of anyone other than him. He loves me too . But to him his mother/ego/anger is of more importance. And these things hold a great value in his life that he was okay walking out on his wife and daughter. 

Okay. Then you guys just need to talk it out between yourselves 

[Mohammad Servant of Allah]

Dear Sister, 

your pain is what many woman go through especially a believing woman in Allah. 

According to Qur'an I will say that do not place your self in great suffer. At the end it is you who have control over yourself as your husband has control over his self. Yes it is a test from Allah, a test for both of you. 

Sister stop stressing, no need for it. You are creating an environment that is not good for you or for your little child. Allah never wants his servants to suffer but rather he wants you to help yourself with the powers you already have. Once you realise that then face the Qibla and give thanks to Allah in submission. 

As for you husband may Allah guide him back to you and his family. He really needs to realise that this is his family and he is responsible for you and his child. 

Now... if he doesn’t come back to you within an year of no contact unless he will grant your honour and dignity by divorcing then you are automatically divorced. No need for anything sister. Unless you want to suffer under society rule or Qur'an that would be your choice. 

Right now you are being judged how you are looking after your child. Do not worry about your husband. 

Be at peace.. choose peace. Peace will choose you. 

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, Mohammed Servant of Allah said:

if he doesn’t come back to you within an year of no contact unless he will grant your honour and dignity by divorcing then you are automatically divorced

This is totally not true!! 

[Mohammad Servant of Allah]

1 minute ago, starlight said:

This is totally not true!! 

Ok then choose to suffer for the rest of your life chasing him until you reach day of judgement. 

What if he doesn’t give divorce? What then?

you see Qur'an is clear, you chose to THULM your self then hereafter will be the same. 

Qur'an protects the Woman more than man. But instead we have man controlling the Woman and they think they are following Qur'an. 

Still think not true??

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, Mohammed Servant of Allah said:

Still think not true??

Yes, divorce doesn't happen automatically. If you want to have a discussion on this please start another thread. Let's not derail this.

[SyedaNaqvi1]

2 hours ago, Quran313 said:

May Allah solve your problem. Do dua for you. Ive been with a roommate with bad Aklaq and I had a hard time. Definitely marriage much different.

Talk with him. Do not fight. Talk with  him. remind him his reponsibilities. When he wasn't supportive in the past, you should have talked with him. You need to tell him about his responsibilities financially, emotionally, etc. When you feel he doesn't understand that he should do something, you need to talk to him. Don't keep all frustration in yourself for long time and then have a big fight. You need to have regular conversations and talks with him to solve issues and to avoid fights.

I do Dua. Inshaallah it will be solved

I have tried everything that I could. But making someone realize is not an easy thing. Especially convincing somebody who is already under the impression that whatever he is doing right and could never go wrong. He changed completely and he justifies this by saying that I was not very good with him and his family. He does not realize that I was supposed to be equally respected by him and his family and that lack of respect did not let me love his family. Like I said in the beginning, I belong to a very good well-off family and my husband just had a normal job and not even a house of their own. But I did manage to live with him and never made him realize how I was at my father’s place. Never asked for anything. No gifts or anything . Never interfered how he was helping his family financially and did not want to know either as it was not my business and I had no problem with it. 

[Akbar673]

21 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

I am from Pakistan ,27 yrs old and have a daughter who just turned two. I got married to a guy in 2016 . It was an arranged marriage and our families met through a common friend.

How long were you engaged to him? How well did you get to know him before you decided to marry him?

21 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

I was a permanent resident in Canada and was supposed to move to Canada the same year.

This is a little confusing. I'm assuming you got the Canadian Immigration while being in Pakistan and were moving to Canada that year, right? or were you already in Canada? 

21 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

we had our nikkah first in august 2015 and then the rukhsati took place in may 2016.

Again, how long and how well did you know him, and his family, before you said yes? How long was the engagement process? I'm also assuming that you did the Nikah a year earlier so you could file for him as your Spouse for Canadian Immigration?

21 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

After nikkah, there was some tension built up between both the families as my husband's mother is not very good at tolerating things done/said and so are people at my end.

What exactly happened? What caused the tension? How much a person tolerates is proportional to what took place. Sounds to me as if it was quite severe. Also, what was your Husband's reaction to what was happening? What exactly happned, because that is the root of everything that has happened since?

21 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

So basically, two egoistic families started to have problems.

Its not egotistical to want to protect your children from entering into a marriage which is already showing signs of resulting in unhappiness for your child. Sounds to me as if whatever happened had a much greater impact than even you realized at the time. 

22 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

I somehow convinced my family that rukhsati should take place before things become even more worse and had the courage to tell them about the things they were wrong at.

Two things you need to realize about this...

1. To push forward with a Rukhsati when things have already gone bad was the wrong step to take. What you should've done is solve the problem before the Rukhsati to prevent it from continuing into your married life. The Rukhsati should've been put on hold until the problem was solved.
2. What you feel they were wrong about was based on your opinion only. You may have been more concerned with continuing on based on your emotions, however it sounds like you did that at the expense of your logic. If I were to ask your family about what happened I'm quite certain they would give me a different answer based on their perspective as being Parents and your family. 

22 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

Anyways, after rukhsati my mother in law right on the second day after the wedding said I wanted my son to divorce you but just because I have a daughter too I did not want to get into that.

Again, this is a carry over from not solving whatever the original problem was. Had that been resolved then this would not have happened. She has some pretty serious negativity towards you which leads me to believe that whatever the original problem may have been, it was in her opinion pretty severe. 

22 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

I started to panic and I was never afraid of anyone but this lady who was now my MIL. she started to say abusive words to my family/parents and everyone she knew in my family.

Desribe the personality of your Mother in Law. How would you describe her a person based on the way she acts with people other than yourself. Is she the type of person who lacks civility and decency when she talks to others, or is she someone who only shows this type of behavior with people she doesn't like?

To speak about someone's family in that manner isn't a good reflection on her as a person as well as the brought up and background she is from, and brought to her own children. How well did you know her, as well as the rest of his family, before you decided to say Yes?

22 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

She had returned the clothes that my family had given to my husband's family and relatives saying they were outdated.

This was driven by her opinion of you and your family. The returning of clothes was meant as an insult, regardless of whether they were outdated or not. To be honest, not many people ever end up wearing the clothes that are given in a wedding anyway. Its only for show and worn only either during the wedding or for photos. I wore my Wedding outfit once and then it went into the closet. Its the meaning behind the clothes that is what matters, not how they look.

22 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

Nobody from my family came to fight or argue with her or anyonee My family stopped talking to my husbands family as my MIL would always use foul language and my family never had to deal with such words/language/ attitude with anyone before.

They did that because you were already married. They had the common sense to realize to further escalate the arguments would not be in your best interest. Your Mother in Law's behavior has probably given them serious psychological trauma. This is a wedding that never should've happened. The splash damage of this has caused countless people grief and pain.

22 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

Anyways, my husband would always keep quiet and would never care if I was hurt or not. I was never approached by my husband saying things to me that would make me feel that someone at his place atleast cares for me. All he said to me was that he doesn't need words to express anything since our relation is more of an intimate and this should be more than enough for me to understand/realize that he is there for me. He never respected my family and was not on talking terms with any one of them.

All sons who have Mothers who are that dominating and strong always end up like that. They become that way as a result of growing up with a parent like that. They've grown up as having realized that to fight back against a woman like that is just a no-win effort due to her mentality of never giving up. That's why he comes across as weak, when in reality it is the result of him being raised in a home that forced him to go silent when things like this happen. He also has been programmed to never say anything back to his Mother, regardless of whatever it may be about because it only leads to a negative outcome. He's a weak man due to how his Mother broke him as a person. It would also be safe to assume that his Father was the same way. Where is his Father in all of this anyway?

As far as him respecting your family, whatever it was that happened which caused the tension is what caused him to form that opinion of them. As time went on and the situation only descended into more chaos, I'm sure there were things that were said that only further reinforced his negative opinion of your family. That's what happens when problems aren't solved approprtiately at the early stages, they turn into a cancer which eats away at the entire situation for all involved.

What was it that happened exactly?

22 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

whenever we would have quarrels at home, my Sister in law and mother in law would side each other and I had to deal with both of them.

I'm assuming you moved in with his family after the wedding?

22 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

this had been going on for 4 months and then in october 2016 I moved to Canada.

So you returned to Canada, or you moved there for the first time? 

22 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

We applied for his sponsorship which all got approved in may 2018 and he came to Canada in sep 2018.

So you didn't see him for almost two years while he was back in Pakistan?

22 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

I was working all this time to support myself financially even though my father would do it for me and my daughter but I did not like asking him for money.

Where do your parents live? In Pakistan or in Canada?

22 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

Ever since the application was approved, he was a completely different man. He wouldn't show love that he used to show or say/do things that he would

You're talking about after he joined you in Canada? 

Your relationship was already broken by that point, however he was motivated to not divorce you because of the Immigration to Canada which was still pending. After that was approved and he arrived in Canada, he's probably only staying with you to complete the time period requirement for him to not lost his Canadian Immigration due to divorcing you too quickly. Once that time period is completed you can expect him to file for a divorce from you.

22 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

We would have arguments he would go days without talking to me or even look at me. I would always ask him to forget about it and move on as we had a daughter who would notice all these things and this was certainly not a good thing for us as a family.

When the relationship has lost love and has moved on into hate then the smallest thing will trigger an argument because that is the opportunity to release the negative emotions that everyone keeps bottled up. That's why he would let the anger and unhappiness linger for so long. Also, after some time he will start to view your daughter as an obstacle to him finding happiness because she is keeping him anchored to you. He is going to vent his unhappiness in his marriage onto his relationship with her. This is the splash damage I was talking about earlier. Your daughter will be a victim of something she had nothing to do with.

22 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

He would not meet my parents and I also started working since I did not want to do two jobs to keep up with the expenses and even if he had to support his family it will be easier for us. I was never the one to have any issues with husband if he wanted to support his family in any way

Sounds to me as if you kept going in a relationship which you didn't need to be involved in. All of the signs were there but you were afraid of being divorced and leaving the relationship. You qualified those feelings to yourself by making your daughter the reason for staying in the marriage when in reality there really isn't much of a marriage to save. Sadly, in my opinion your marriage is over. The clock is ticking on the filing of a divorce based on how much time your husband has to stay married to you to secure his Canadian Immigration.

22 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

Still he would not appreciate and would hide things and do things behind me. Whenever we used to go out, he would be on call with his mother back home. and I would be alone whether it was for grocery or shopping or whatsoever.

As painful as this may be to realize and accept, he does not feel love for you anymore. This is a relationship which exists only on paper, the emotional connection from him to you has ended.

22 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

finally on eid , we got into a huge fight and he just left home . He went to  stay with his brother in a different province without realizing how my daughter and I would live and how am I going to manage all the expenses. As I was the one paying for grocery, car insurance and other bills as well . He was just paying the rent.

See above as to what I'm talking about. His unhappiness and frustration of being married to you finally boiled over. The fight was probably over something disproportionate to the level of anger and outrage that he released on you. It was his bottled up emotions that made the argument worse than it needed to be. Add to that his frustration at coming to live on your basis as you had applied for his Canadian Immigration. Its all been piling up for so long and it finally got released from inside for him. Bottom line is he is not happy being married to you and as time goes on he's just getting more and more unhappy about it.

22 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

All I wanted was the emotional attachment, understanding and care from him. I want to be with him but at the same time I don't want to spend my life making or begging a man to care or show some respect and love towards his wife.

Sounds to me as if your desire to find a strong relationship is blinding you to the fact that you have not found that with him. Might I ask how your Parents' marriage was/is? Do you feel a lack of connection to your Father? The reason I'm asking is that you seem to be craving a strong relationship with a Male figure due to your feelings of lacking that in your life. 

Hence, the reason why...

1. You pushed ahead with the Rukhsati when your logic should've told you not to.
2. You accused and attacked your family when you saw them as preventing you from getting married, even when the situation had already degraded into a major problem not only involving you and your Husband but your families as well.
3. You allowed your Mother in Law & Sister in Law to degrade not only you but also your family.
4. You used your daughter as justification for staying in the relationship, and keeping him in it as well.
   1. This will also answer people's questions asking why if you knew the marriage was a disaster did you bother to get pregnant in the first place.
      1. Because in your mind you viewed the child as means to maintain the relationship.
5. You left Pakistan for Canada and yet still applied for his Immigration.

I know I'll probably be accused of victim shaming you, but you have to realize that you had as much a say in the outcome of your current situation as your Husband and In Laws. I'm not defending them or justifying that they were blameless, they most certainly were not, but have you stopped to realize the consequences of the choices you chose to make? 

23 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

I need some help please. I need to know what should I do. 

I'm no fan of proposing divorce, but in this case I can't see any other outcome to this situation. This just sounds like it was a disaster before the Rukhsati, and that has tainted everything since then. Why do you want to stay in this marriage? I'm sure its driven you to the depths of depression and all of the problems, both physical health and mental health, that come along with it. 

You also have to know think about not only limiting the damage to yourself but also for your daughter. She's the real victim in this comedy of errors. She has 0% blame, yet she will pay 100% of the penalty on this.

As such, you need to explore the option of filing for a divorce. Immigration will factor into that, as well as Child support/custody. If he's living in another Canadian province then you have the issue of him filing for a divorce from that Province vs where you are living which would cause Court appearances to happen there instead of where you live. You'll also need an Attorney, fortunately in Canada there are enough Indo/Pak people and organizations that are more than willing to help you out with that end of it.

First, and foremost has to be protecting your daughter from enduring and seeing more emotional harm. She's already seen the arguments and heard the yelling and screaming. You have to limit the damage for her.

Lots of questions I've asked you. Once we get the answers to that, it'll give us a more clear picture.

[Nevsevug]

I haven’t read much of the other responses, but did skim some of brother Akbar’s. MashaAllah his responses are always detailed and on point. I agree with everything he has said. You should not have gone through with a wedding when there was already tension before it even happened. Are you sure they didn’t just agree to the marriage because he would be able to get citizenship? Many easterners are known to do this kind of thing. I don’t mean to be hurtful but how do you know he loves you if he never even took your side or was respectful to your family? Being intimate does not mean the person loves you. Their actions otherwise show you how they feel about you. And from the looks of it, he didn’t care much. You didn’t say how he is with your daughter at all but you were very detailed about other things. Does this mean he’s not an involved father either? He didn’t even think about her before leaving to live elsewhere? I don’t see why you would want to stay in this marriage at all, really. It would make sense if he was an otherwise nice or emotionally available man. There are no redeeming qualities in him or his family. 

[SyedaNaqvi1]

1 hour ago, Akbar673 said:

How long were you engaged to him? How well did you get to know him before you decided to marry him?

 Once we get the answers to that, it'll give us a more clear picture.

We had our nikkah first and all of this was within a week after meeting through a common friend who knew both the families for years .I got my PR when I was residing in Pakistan and my husband's family was informed about it before nikkah took place and my husband was already applying to come to Canada as a student . 

 

We started talking right after nikkah . The main reasons behind the tension that was buliding up were his mother not being able to digest anything said or done by family members even if it was meant to be a joke. And by saying I mean A JOKE . She would always complain saying things like I didn't like one of your relative saying this to me, I did not like the father saying this to me and bla bla. And my family would get frustrated listening to her bcoz she did not have anything good to say. Then my family started responding to her in the same manner and became less tolerating. My relation with my father was just as normal as it could be. I wasn't craving for anything. Or was not desperate to get married. I had to educate my family when they were wrong and the same was expected from my husband too. It was his responsibility too. .

My MIL's relation to her in laws and her sisters and their families was just ok. They would definitely meet, visit one another in every two or three weeks. But I have them hiding things from one another. She never brought any of her relatives or friends when she came to our house for the first time. She never asked for their opinions or anything. This was completely the opposite of what I had seen in my family. My mother's side of the family is too close to one another, share everything no secrets kept. 

My Father in law passed away when he was young so he was never in the picture. 

Edited June 28, 2019 by starlight
Long quote

[SyedaNaqvi1]

1 hour ago, Akbar673 said:

This was driven by her opinion of you and your family. The returning of clothes was meant as an insult, regardless of whether they were outdated or not. To be honest, not many people ever end up wearing the clothes that are given in a wedding anyway. Its only for show and worn only either during the wedding or for photos. I wore my Wedding outfit once and then it went into the closet. Its the meaning behind the clothes that is what matters, not how they look.

 

We've had weddings in our family before , there were times when we didn't like the clothes that were given to us by the brides' families but never had those sent back or insulted the bride's family. Instead kept them as a gift. 

And the boys who have dominating mothers and are too weak to even support their wives when needed , why do they get married in the first place. Marriage is all about compromises, sacrifices and to stand for one another when required to do so and that is a two way thing. Why do these men don't realize that it is their responsibility to have their families respect their spouses equally . Why can't they be fair and just. And then again if they are not capable of doing that why do ruin someone's life. 

[Flying_Eagle]

@SyedaNaqvi1

I think you should focus on your career and care of your daughter. If you look for him, he would think you are weak. Even if you want him back involve a common friend but tell him to convince your husband about his responsibilites as a father without taking your name. I think it would work insha-Allah. 

I'm not a expert though

Edited June 28, 2019 by starlight
Long quote

[SyedaNaqvi1]

11 minutes ago, Flying_Eagle said:

@SyedaNaqvi1

I think you should focus on your career and care of your daughter. If you look for him, he would think you are weak. Even if you want him back involve a common friend but tell him to convince your husband about his responsibilites as a father without taking your name. I think it would work insha-Allah. 

I'm not a expert though

I am trying my best to focus on my career and my daughter who is my first priority now. I also want him to come back but only if he is ready to be respectful, understanding and caring towards us. I am not asking for much that I know for sure. This is certainly a test from Allah and hopefully my daughter and I will get through this just fine Insha-Allah. Remember me and my daughter in your prayers that is what we need the most. 

[Akbar673]

34 minutes ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

We had our nikkah first and all of this was within a week after meeting through a common friend who knew both the families for years

So you're saying you didn't know him, or his family, yet you said yes?

56 minutes ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

I wasn't craving for anything. Or was not desperate to get married.

Then why marry someone you knew nothing about? Even if it was a common friend who did the matchmaking? Don't you think that getting to know him and his family beforehand would've let you know how they are and you wouldn't be in the situation you are today?

35 minutes ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

We started talking right after nikkah

What would you have done if there was something about him that you realized you didn't like at that point? Forced yourself to accept him for he is, regardless of whatever that may have been?

36 minutes ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

The main reasons behind the tension that was buliding up were his mother not being able to digest anything said or done by family members even if it was meant to be a joke. And by saying I mean A JOKE . She would always complain saying things like I didn't like one of your relative saying this to me, I did not like the father saying this to me and bla bla.

Sounds to me as if this was exactly the reaspn why you have an engagement period. You would've realized this about his Mother and decided not to marry into that family. Knowing this before hand would've helped you in the decision making process, right?

38 minutes ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

my family would get frustrated listening to her bcoz she did not have anything good to say. Then my family started responding to her in the same manner and became less tolerating.

Sounds to me as if your family got sick of her early on. Again, if there had been an engagement period you could've walked away, but your getting to know him and his family began after you were already Islamically married. 

40 minutes ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

I had to educate my family when they were wrong and the same was expected from my husband too.

So what you're saying is that you had to "educate" your elders on what is right and wrong? 

Did you tell your husband what was expected from him? If so, what was his response?

41 minutes ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

It was his responsibility too.

Yes, but only if he had a problem with his Mother's behavior. What did he say about how she was behaving?

42 minutes ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

My MIL's relation to her in laws and her sisters and their families was just ok. They would definitely meet, visit one another in every two or three weeks. But I have them hiding things from one another. 

Sounds to me as if she's not close to them nor are they to her.

44 minutes ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

She never brought any of her relatives or friends when she came to our house for the first time.

This didn't strike you as odd?

44 minutes ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

She never asked for their opinions or anything.

because she isn't close to them, nor are they close to her. Sounds to me as if she is a difficult person to get close to, in fact she seems like someone most people would choose to avoid at every chance.

46 minutes ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

My Father in law passed away when he was young so he was never in the picture.

That would explain her aggressive and headstrong personality. She's had to raise the kids and survive in a male dominated culture.

31 minutes ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

We've had weddings in our family before , there were times when we didn't like the clothes that were given to us by the brides' families but never had those sent back or insulted the bride's family. Instead kept them as a gift. 

That's exactly my point. When you return the clothes like that, its meant as an insult. Even if you don't like the clothes, you don't say anything out of respect not only for their family, but for the sake of starting the marriage off on the right foot. When she returned the clothes she knew what she was doing and the impact it would have.

33 minutes ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

the boys who have dominating mothers and are too weak to even support their wives when needed , why do they get married in the first place

They have as much of a right to get married as anyone else. Those are the type of men that need to marry women who are clever and cunning and able to not only assess the situation, but also know how to defuse it. The more a girl stays quiet, the more the Mother In Law draws strength because she knows she can get away with saying anything to the girl.

35 minutes ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

Marriage is all about compromises, sacrifices and to stand for one another when required to do so and that is a two way thing.

Sure, but what was your Huband's opinion on how his Mother is hypersensitive to everything? Sounds to me as if he felt that your family were the ones at fault. Hence, why he never wanted to defend you. I'm not defending him, but trying to figure why he took the position that he did. You said he never spoke with your family, why would he do that if he didn't hold them at fault for everything?

38 minutes ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

Why do these men don't realize that it is their responsibility to have their families respect their spouses equally

Any person would do that when they see both families acting in a fair and honest manner. However, your Husband does not feel that way about your family, right? I'm assuming he blames them for the mess? Why would he treat your family equally then?

39 minutes ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

Why can't they be fair and just.

Most people only act fair and just when they see it on both sides. If he felt your family, or you, weren't acting that way then why would he act fair and just?

Just my opinion on this, but the fact that you decided to make such a major step in your life within the span of 1 week of meeting someone is something I'm not able to get my arms around. I wouldn't have made such a major step in such a short period of time, nor would I allow my daughter to do that. In my opinion, that's where it all went wrong. 

On top of it, not only did you make a decision within such a short period of time, but you also went ahead and got your Nikah done and then started the process of getting to know him and his family. I'm sorry but that just seems backwards to me. 

However, that's neither here nor there at this stage. As I mentioned in my earlier post regarding offering advice, I think you should file for a divorce before he files for it anyway. You'll have a slight advantage if you file first from a Legal standpoint as far as controlling where the Divorce proceedings are held.

 

[SyedaNaqvi1]

5 minutes ago, Akbar673 said:

So you're saying you didn't know him, or his family, yet you said yes?

Then why marry someone you knew nothing about? Even if it was a common friend who did the matchmaking? Don't you think that getting to know him and his family beforehand would've let you know how they are and you wouldn't be in the situation you are today?

What would you have done if there was something about him that you realized you didn't like at that point? Forced yourself to accept him for he is, regardless of whatever that may have been?

Sounds to me as if this was exactly the reaspn why you have an engagement period. You would've realized this about his Mother and decided not to marry into that family. Knowing this before hand would've helped you in the decision making process, right?

Sounds to me as if your family got sick of her early on. Again, if there had been an engagement period you could've walked away, but your getting to know him and his family began after you were already Islamically married. 

So what you're saying is that you had to "educate" your elders on what is right and wrong? 

Did you tell your husband what was expected from him? If so, what was his response?

Yes, but only if he had a problem with his Mother's behavior. What did he say about how she was behaving?

Sounds to me as if she's not close to them nor are they to her.

This didn't strike you as odd?

because she isn't close to them, nor are they close to her. Sounds to me as if she is a difficult person to get close to, in fact she seems like someone most people would choose to avoid at every chance.

That would explain her aggressive and headstrong personality. She's had to raise the kids and survive in a male dominated culture.

That's exactly my point. When you return the clothes like that, its meant as an insult. Even if you don't like the clothes, you don't say anything out of respect not only for their family, but for the sake of starting the marriage off on the right foot. When she returned the clothes she knew what she was doing and the impact it would have.

They have as much of a right to get married as anyone else. Those are the type of men that need to marry women who are clever and cunning and able to not only assess the situation, but also know how to defuse it. The more a girl stays quiet, the more the Mother In Law draws strength because she knows she can get away with saying anything to the girl.

Sure, but what was your Huband's opinion on how his Mother is hypersensitive to everything? Sounds to me as if he felt that your family were the ones at fault. Hence, why he never wanted to defend you. I'm not defending him, but trying to figure why he took the position that he did. You said he never spoke with your family, why would he do that if he didn't hold them at fault for everything?

Any person would do that when they see both families acting in a fair and honest manner. However, your Husband does not feel that way about your family, right? I'm assuming he blames them for the mess? Why would he treat your family equally then?

Most people only act fair and just when they see it on both sides. If he felt your family, or you, weren't acting that way then why would he act fair and just?

Just my opinion on this, but the fact that you decided to make such a major step in your life within the span of 1 week of meeting someone is something I'm not able to get my arms around. I wouldn't have made such a major step in such a short period of time, nor would I allow my daughter to do that. In my opinion, that's where it all went wrong. 

On top of it, not only did you make a decision within such a short period of time, but you also went ahead and got your Nikah done and then started the process of getting to know him and his family. I'm sorry but that just seems backwards to me. 

However, that's neither here nor there at this stage. As I mentioned in my earlier post regarding offering advice, I think you should file for a divorce before he files for it anyway. You'll have a slight advantage if you file first from a Legal standpoint as far as controlling where the Divorce proceedings are held.

 

We are still going to reach out to his mother . If I did not have a kid involved , I would have done it long ago. Divorce is the last option even though I feel like doing it after all that has happened and I've been put through I still don't feel like rushing through it. I still want to give it a try. Obviously without him humiliating any of us anymore especially myself. Won't be compromising on my dignity and honour anymore . But these families need to talk first and then come to a final decision. 

Nikkah has always been the first thing anyone would think of. My family was never into the idea of engagement , it may sound backward, but that is how it is. I won't say it was wrong since we did our research before saying okay. I mean he is educated and had a good job . Well mannered and was never into a bad company/habits. Never knew the families wouldn't be able to understand each other and that would affect us. Nobody wanted it that way. Atleast I can say that for myself and my family. My parents did not demand for anything at the time of wedding when it came to mehr/gifts/gold/cothing etc. I was quiet in the beginning when my MIL used to abuse my family . I was quiet because I was expecting my husband to realize that I am not liking any of this behavior and to make his mother understand that this can lead to something that we don't want ourselves to get into. I started speaking for myself after some time when she would accuse me for everything like pumping her son to misbehave with her or be rude to his siblings. I wanted to take him away. I never did any of that and my husband knew this already. 

I did not even ask him how he was supporting his family financially or whatsoever thinking it was not my business and it is his responsibilty to support his family no matter what. I never asked him to move to a different place even though I was not able to live in that environment. I LITERALLY ASKED FOR NOTHING BUT RESPECT. I don't know what went wrong and where . 

[Noor Taleb]

3 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

We are still going to reach out to his mother . If I did not have a kid involved , I would have done it long ago. Divorce is the last option even though I feel like doing it after all that has happened and I've been put through I still don't feel like rushing through it. I still want to give it a try. Obviously without him humiliating any of us anymore especially myself. Won't be compromising on my dignity and honour anymore . But these families need to talk first and then come to a final decision. 

Nikkah has always been the first thing anyone would think of. My family was never into the idea of engagement , it may sound backward, but that is how it is. I won't say it was wrong since we did our research before saying okay. I mean he is educated and had a good job . Well mannered and was never into a bad company/habits. Never knew the families wouldn't be able to understand each other and that would affect us. Nobody wanted it that way. Atleast I can say that for myself and my family. My parents did not demand for anything at the time of wedding when it came to mehr/gifts/gold/cothing etc. I was quiet in the beginning when my MIL used to abuse my family . I was quiet because I was expecting my husband to realize that I am not liking any of this behavior and to make his mother understand that this can lead to something that we don't want ourselves to get into. I started speaking for myself after some time when she would accuse me for everything like pumping her son to misbehave with her or be rude to his siblings. I wanted to take him away. I never did any of that and my husband knew this already. 

I did not even ask him how he was supporting his family financially or whatsoever thinking it was not my business and it is his responsibilty to support his family no matter what. I never asked him to move to a different place even though I was not able to live in that environment. I LITERALLY ASKED FOR NOTHING BUT RESPECT. I don't know what went wrong and where . 

Being honest and upfront with you I feel he married you for residency in Canada once that’s done it’s over 

I’m a Pakistani and I haven’t seen a case like this until now but I am someone who knows that’s desi freaking aunties are nuts and you can’t win against a lady who has made her hair grey in the process of being a tyrant 

Ive grown up to see people get married and suffering and they are always quiet mum always cause once they speak up divorce it is you still spoke I’ve seen mental torture happening right infront of my eyes 

and something that pisses me off is that if you speak your defamed and no body is going to respect you and they treat you like trash even more then 

ugh I hate it I hate it !

my prayers go to you 

My advice would be talk to someone who you can really trust pour out your heart and then take a deep breath and move on stronger I believe in you my dear you can DO IT 

 and if it’s possible some how I don't know about the legal things so much but if it’s possible try to make his residency go away some how I don't know I’m not that well learned in these areas

[SyedaNaqvi1]

1 hour ago, Noor Taleb said:

Being honest and upfront with you I feel he married you for residency in Canada once that’s done it’s over 

I’m a Pakistani and I haven’t seen a case like this until now but I am someone who knows that’s desi freaking aunties are nuts and you can’t win against a lady who has made her hair grey in the process of being a tyrant 

Ive grown up to see people get married and suffering and they are always quiet mum always cause once they speak up divorce it is you still spoke I’ve seen mental torture happening right infront of my eyes 

and something that pisses me off is that if you speak your defamed and no body is going to respect you and they treat you like trash even more then 

ugh I hate it I hate it !

my prayers go to you 

My advice would be talk to someone who you can really trust pour out your heart and then take a deep breath and move on stronger I believe in you my dear you can DO IT 

 and if it’s possible some how I don't know about the legal things so much but if it’s possible try to make his residency go away some how I don't know I’m not that well learned in these areas

Even if it was for the sake of residency, I do know many of his relatives who are in Canada already and not only Canada but US and some other countries too . And they all came on their own without the support of any one else. If that is the case then obviously I will try my best to kick him out and defame him so that he never does this to any one. 

 

But I will stay positive for now since I don’t want to rush into anything. I have got 2 years to do it . Obviously I will not let him stay that long but for now I will just wait and pray that he realizes what he has done and fears Allah and the day of judgement. May be he needed some time and space . I want things to get better . Let’s hope for the best

[Flying_Eagle]

13 hours ago, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

I am trying my best to focus on my career and my daughter who is my first priority now. I also want him to come back but only if he is ready to be respectful, understanding and caring towards us. I am not asking for much that I know for sure. This is certainly a test from Allah and hopefully my daughter and I will get through this just fine Insha-Allah. Remember me and my daughter in your prayers that is what we need the most. 

May Allah (عزّ وجلّ) bless you and your family sister and May your husband know his responsibility which Allah (عزّ وجلّ) has enjoined upon him, for the sake of Ahlebait (عليه السلام).

[Abu Hadi]

On 6/28/2019 at 12:39 AM, SyedaNaqvi1 said:

He is my husband. Allah had sent him to me . He is a father of my daughter. Why wouldn’t I like him. I am in love with him and will always be . I don’t want anyone I cannot even think of anyone other than him. He loves me too . But to him his mother/ego/anger is of more importance. And these things hold a great value in his life that he was okay walking out on his wife and daughter. 

If you cannot think of anyone other than him then just accept that you will have a difficult life from this point forward. But this type of behavior has nothing to do with the religion of Islam. In the religion, if a man goes 40 days without being intimate with his wife (in the bedroom), she can ask for a divorce, and it will be given to her. If a man goes for a month without even talking to his wife, in his mind, he is not married (I am speaking as a man who has been married for more than 15 years to the same women). By saying he is married, he is merely keeping up appearances. If he goes for a month without communicating with his young daughter, and he has the ability to communicate with her, and you are not placing unreasonable terms and conditions on him for communicating with her, then he is a monster (sorry for that, but that's my opinion). 

At the same time, to try to set up the situation with your husband in a way that he has to choose between his wife or his mother, this is not something that is part of Islam. He has a wife, and he has a mother, and they are two women who will always be a significant part of his life. You may not get along with her, but whether this affects your relationship with you husband is something that is under your control. If, when she says mean and rude things to you, you are kind in return (and this was the practice of the Imams of Ahl Al Bayt((عليه السلام))), she will either change her behavior or she may not but your husband will see (and others will too) who is the aggressor in the situation and who is on Haqq. He may not see the first time, but if you are consistent about this, eventually he will see and then this situation will resolve itself. But if you let your nafs (ego) take over and make it into a war between you and her, this is a war you can't win and a war where there is no good outcome. 

Also, because this was an arranged marriage, you must consider the possibility that he never had love for you in the first place, and never wanted to marry you and only 'went along' with it to please his family. This is a big hazard in arranged marriages and one of the reasons why I don't think they are a good thing, in most cases. If the above is the case, you deserve (and everyone deserves) to be married to someone who loves them and wants to be with them out of their own free will and choice and not for some other reason. So if this is the case (and by now, if it is, there is probably strong evidence in this direction), then you have two choices. Either divorce, which is a legitimate option if the above is the case, or accept the fact that you are in a loveless marriage and try to make the best of it, but accept things as they are and don't hold out false hope that things will change in the future with him. When marriages start out in such a way, it is extremely rare that this ever happens. 

With Dua. 

[Abu Hadi]

23 hours ago, Noor Taleb said:

Being honest and upfront with you I feel he married you for residency in Canada once that’s done it’s over 

I’m a Pakistani and I haven’t seen a case like this until now but I am someone who knows that’s desi freaking aunties are nuts and you can’t win against a lady who has made her hair grey in the process of being a tyrant 

Ive grown up to see people get married and suffering and they are always quiet mum always cause once they speak up divorce it is you still spoke I’ve seen mental torture happening right infront of my eyes 

and something that pisses me off is that if you speak your defamed and no body is going to respect you and they treat you like trash even more then 

ugh I hate it I hate it !

my prayers go to you 

My advice would be talk to someone who you can really trust pour out your heart and then take a deep breath and move on stronger I believe in you my dear you can DO IT 

 and if it’s possible some how I don't know about the legal things so much but if it’s possible try to make his residency go away some how I don't know I’m not that well learned in these areas

I am not accusing anyone, but you have only heard one side of the story. I'm sure there is another side. Anyway, my prayers are with the sister that either there will be reconciliation or divorce without anyone being harmed in the process, and especially her daughter. As a child whose parents divorced at a young age (I was 4 at the time) I can tell you that there are some wounds that never heal, but if the parents are respectful to each other and she (the daughter) knows that she is loved from both sides and the parents don't use the child as a weapon to harm one another (the very worst choice that can be made, because most likely she will end up hating both parents) the harm can be minimized.