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In the Name of God بسم الله

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I am a girl seeking to get married for the past 2 years. I have an older sister who is also single too and my parents are struggling to find a partner for her. Its very difficult to find a Shia partner within the community so my parents have allowed me to seek someone online by myself. I’ve tried all Muslim matchmaking sites/apps but  none came to my luck. I am a very practising  person and am looking for the same in my partner but it just seems like men don’t pray regularly and aren’t very practising

I know that Allah has a plan for me and when the right time comes I will find my Mr. right. Also I recite a lot of duas and tahajjud so that Allah grants me a righteous spouse. I feel quite lonely so am trying to grow spiritually and also strengthen my relationship with Allah. My problem is no matter what I do I feel this emptiness and I crave a partner. I keep thinking about it all day and feel like it’s affecting my mental health. I pray to Allah to end this desire so that I can concentrate on him. Do all unmarried girls in their 20s feel the same? Why does marriage seem like the answer to my happiness when I know it isn’t? What can I do to not desire a partner?

I had met a potential spouse online and we both were perfect for each other. Unfortunately, his mother didn’t allow this to go further. I feel very saddened after this incident and still feel broken even though he has moved on. Is there something wrong with me? 

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There are hardly any Shia events here and the ones that are there are limited to majalis and leaving after its done. 

I’ve spoken to some men from my native country and I feel like they don’t match my level of intellect. They practice Islam in a very cultural way rather than practical way. Also, If I get married back home I can’t settle there as I know I wont be able to adjust with the differences.

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Guest Nani-Amma
6 hours ago, arch1027116 said:

There are hardly any Shia events here and the ones that are there are limited to majalis and leaving after its done. 

I’ve spoken to some men from my native country and I feel like they don’t match my level of intellect. They practice Islam in a very cultural way rather than practical way. Also, If I get married back home I can’t settle there as I know I wont be able to adjust with the differences.

As long as they are good, moral, hardworking, and have the mind at the right place, open yourself up for the men from the country of your parents origin, obviously of the same religious background.

Meanwhile try to pick up the language of your parents, watch the sitcoms, talk to the cousins, visit the hometown etc., from there to get a feel of culture and so on. 

Also bring yourself down from any high that you may have, respecting yourself doesn’t mean you think low of others. Everybody has lots of good things about them and lots of gaps. 

In marriage, strive to fill those gaps of each other, spiritually, mentally, physically, materially, and so on. 

Look at it this way, when a native European person born in the West can happily marry and sustain the marriage with a person from Asia (there are examples from both Muslims and non-Muslims), why can’t you? 

... and stay away from those shallow people who tell you that culture is not part of who we humans are. Every human collection develops its own eco system, which is called its culture. Most of the Muslim cultures are very intertwined with Islam, different on the surface bur very similar under the hood, in their own way. So throw away all that fluff talk of western liberal mullahs who keep bashing culture, most of them are root-less so they want you to be root-less too. Don’t be fooled by them. 

Happy marriage inshAllah soon, as long as you come down of your high horse of self righteousness and being non-cultural (whatever that means). 

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1 hour ago, Guest Nani-Amma said:

As long as they are good, moral, hardworking, and have the mind at the right place, open yourself up for the men from the country of your parents origin, obviously of the same religious background.

Meanwhile try to pick up the language of your parents, watch the sitcoms, talk to the cousins, visit the hometown etc., from there to get a feel of culture and so on. 

Also bring yourself down from any high that you may have, respecting yourself doesn’t mean you think low of others. Everybody has lots of good things about them and lots of gaps. 

In marriage, strive to fill those gaps of each other, spiritually, mentally, physically, materially, and so on. 

Look at it this way, when a native European person born in the West can happily marry and sustain the marriage with a person from Asia (there are examples from both Muslims and non-Muslims), why can’t you? 

... and stay away from those shallow people who tell you that culture is not part of who we humans are. Every human collection develops its own eco system, which is called its culture. Most of the Muslim cultures are very intertwined with Islam, different on the surface bur very similar under the hood, in their own way. So throw away all that fluff talk of western liberal mullahs who keep bashing culture, most of them are root-less so they want you to be root-less too. Don’t be fooled by them. 

Happy marriage inshAllah soon, as long as you come down of your high horse of self righteousness and being non-cultural (whatever that means). 

Well you’re just assuming things about me. I don’t belong to the west and I also know my culture and speak my native language at home. I said that those people back home don’t practise religion practically. The don’t give value to wajibaats like namaz and fasts and focus more if a girl can recite nohas and how many majalis her family does. Its hard to explain unless you know them. I did mention that I can’t adjust back home with the lifestyle and people there. Its just very different. 

I’ve never claimed to be righteous. Infact I’ve let go of almost all my criteria except being religious and being educated.Its still quite difficult and you wont really know unless you’re in my shoe. All I am saying is my desire for having a partner is taking a toll on my mental health. I am struggling with anxiety and I don’t know how to deal with that.

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No there is nothing wrong with you. You're going through something I know a lot of people have and are going through. Not that your situation has no importance or is not hard. I feel for you.

As you mentioned, a lot of men are not practicing regularly and good for you, you should go for someone practicing. So don't settle. Trust me. Whoever you marry will rub off on you. You might make him better, but what about you? This is a factor on why you can't find someone so quickly.

You feel like the key to your happiness is marriage because of the sadness you have from not having a spouse. So yeah, it kinda is the key. You're at the age. However know that it won't be as it seems in your head. There will be the nice things and all the things people dream about, provided that you're with a good person, but there will also be things that will try your patience. You will be two people going in the same direction sometimes and going in different directions sometimes trying to make the other agree with you, see your way and ultimately do things your way. Which is not going to happen so much that you will both be forced to compromise. Compromising is not easy no matter which of the two you are: the stubborn I-know-I'm-right-just-listen-to-me-danggit type or the I-love-people-so-much-I'll-just-let-them-win type. The former doesn't see the point of compromising and latter will eventually get fed up with not having their way.

I urge you to look at the marriages around you and watch them like you're bingeing a tv show. You will go through a LOT of what they go through. There is no escape. =) Put "a spouse I can be easily be patient with" in your dua'as. Also think of every stage that your marriage will go through. Meeting the parents, having the wedding, first night alone (he will put the moves you or ask for it outright, be ready to tell him to calm his shorts), arguments, normal days together, meals together, outings together, pregnancy, birth, kids, first day of school etc.

HOPEFULLY, this newly discovered information will change how you see your future husband and marriage altogether and ultimately how you feel. But it probably won't so just go get married to a good guy. =)

And to help you with that, I post below to the secret to getting married. Guaranteed to work 85-90% success rate.

The awesome thing is that your parents allowed you to find a possible guy online. It happens a lot more than you think. Not your parents, finding love online. Parents like yours are rare. Mine don't seem to want anyone of us to get married. =/

Talk to people. Get to know them. Their deepest selves. Ask them questions. TONS of questions. That's the only way you can know them. Look for red flags. Also have a LIST of red flags with you. You don't want problems when you're married, but it's not easy to back out of a marriage. ESPECIALLY when the kids come. So identify problems EARLY.

And get to know people in real life too. Your marriage will be in person, not online. You need to know how to talk to guys and have the confidence to speak your mind. Believe it or not, talking to the opposite gender is no different from learning a new talent. It requires practice. Like public speaking.

As you get to know people, you will meet more people, learn what you're looking for, give yourself time to fall for someone as well as giving time for others to appreciate you.

So the secret to getting married, is friendship. =) That's why our parents never let us hang out with the opposite gender when we were kids. Because feelings always develop at some point and we're too young to do anything about them. Not that that's what our parents would say if you asked them. They prevented it because HARAM. Like, literally one word.

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Guest Ali

salam sister

Hope u keeping well I understand what u wrote about marriage I believe its very hard to find boy/girl now a days although all our brother are not pray five time. Inshallah keep faith on Allah you will find soon

Allah khair

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On 6/26/2019 at 1:31 PM, Subhan_Allah_Wa_Bihumdih said:

No there is nothing wrong with you. You're going through something I know a lot of people have and are going through. Not that your situation has no importance or is not hard. I feel for you.

As you mentioned, a lot of men are not practicing regularly and good for you, you should go for someone practicing. So don't settle. Trust me. Whoever you marry will rub off on you. You might make him better, but what about you? This is a factor on why you can't find someone so quickly.

You feel like the key to your happiness is marriage because of the sadness you have from not having a spouse. So yeah, it kinda is the key. You're at the age. However know that it won't be as it seems in your head. There will be the nice things and all the things people dream about, provided that you're with a good person, but there will also be things that will try your patience. You will be two people going in the same direction sometimes and going in different directions sometimes trying to make the other agree with you, see your way and ultimately do things your way. Which is not going to happen so much that you will both be forced to compromise. Compromising is not easy no matter which of the two you are: the stubborn I-know-I'm-right-just-listen-to-me-danggit type or the I-love-people-so-much-I'll-just-let-them-win type. The former doesn't see the point of compromising and latter will eventually get fed up with not having their way.

I urge you to look at the marriages around you and watch them like you're bingeing a tv show. You will go through a LOT of what they go through. There is no escape. =) Put "a spouse I can be easily be patient with" in your dua'as. Also think of every stage that your marriage will go through. Meeting the parents, having the wedding, first night alone (he will put the moves you or ask for it outright, be ready to tell him to calm his shorts), arguments, normal days together, meals together, outings together, pregnancy, birth, kids, first day of school etc.

HOPEFULLY, this newly discovered information will change how you see your future husband and marriage altogether and ultimately how you feel. But it probably won't so just go get married to a good guy. =)

And to help you with that, I post below to the secret to getting married. Guaranteed to work 85-90% success rate.

The awesome thing is that your parents allowed you to find a possible guy online. It happens a lot more than you think. Not your parents, finding love online. Parents like yours are rare. Mine don't seem to want anyone of us to get married. =/

Talk to people. Get to know them. Their deepest selves. Ask them questions. TONS of questions. That's the only way you can know them. Look for red flags. Also have a LIST of red flags with you. You don't want problems when you're married, but it's not easy to back out of a marriage. ESPECIALLY when the kids come. So identify problems EARLY.

And get to know people in real life too. Your marriage will be in person, not online. You need to know how to talk to guys and have the confidence to speak your mind. Believe it or not, talking to the opposite gender is no different from learning a new talent. It requires practice. Like public speaking.

As you get to know people, you will meet more people, learn what you're looking for, give yourself time to fall for someone as well as giving time for others to appreciate you.

So the secret to getting married, is friendship. =) That's why our parents never let us hang out with the opposite gender when we were kids. Because feelings always develop at some point and we're too young to do anything about them. Not that that's what our parents would say if you asked them. They prevented it because HARAM. Like, literally one word.

Thank you so much for that long answer! I really appreciate it and the I liked the idea of imagining every stage of marriage I will go through to realise its not living in dreams. 

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