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Guest12

I feel so ashamed and lost

Reza

No debates please. This is a topic to give practical advice for someone’s situation. 

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It is not allowed for you to doubt that Allah has forgiven you.

https://youtu.be/lNRFo1JXIJw

 

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Abu Dharr reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Allah Almighty says: Whoever comes with a good deed will have the reward of ten like it and even more. Whoever comes with an evil deed will be recompensed for one evil deed like it or he will be forgiven. Whoever draws close to me by the length of a hand, I will draw close to him by the length of an arm. Whoever draws close to me the by length of an arm, I will draw close to him by the length of a fathom. Whoever comes to me walking, I will come to him running. Whoever meets me with enough sins to fill the Earth, not associating any idols with me, I will meet him with as much forgiveness.”  Source: ṢaḥĪḥ Muslim 2687  Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Muslim

https://abuaminaelias.com/dailyhadithonline/2017/06/01/if-he-comes-walking-I-come-running/

I have to point out that not all believe masturbation is haram.
What has happened to you has happened to so many other people. Remember that. And in time when you can direct your life so you know it is clean, then eventually this feeling of shame will pass. Most likely if you keep praying and making dua, the feeling will start fading sooner than you'd expect. Remember that this is the first step on repentance. Some never take that step. If the feelings become unendurable seek councel from a professional.

 

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1 hour ago, Guest12 said:

but I feel like I unleashed this devil within myself and find myself masturbating, I really feel so lost I cry so much it kills because this is not me! I’m so disgusted at myself, and find it is making my heart black, it’s beyond my control and I’m so ashamed because I was doing so well until this event happened in my life I feel like I’m a waste of space and feel like Allah will not forgive me because I keep asking for the same forgiveness over the same thing, I’m trying so hard and I wish I can go back and change everything, I want to go ziyara because I feel like that was a big turning point in my life and helped me so much, but I say to myself that Allah is angry at me, Ahlul Bayt is angry at me, there’s no point the damage is done, my ziyara won’t be accepted. 

I’m honestly trying myself, everything about myself is still the same Humdlilah, except this issue, I’m so disgusted at myself. I want to be innocent and feel pure but this issue is allowing me to think otherwise, when someone tells me how innocent and pure I am I feel even more ashamed because my character and personality Humdlilah is good, but this issue kills me honestly. I need help and advice, I’m stuck in life I feel like Allah will not forgive me at all. I want to stop this sinful act, but when I say Allah won’t forgive me, I think what’s the point? 

So the issue is masturbation, right? Well there is no debate on this, we all know it is haraam. But it is one of the only sins which is perfectly understandable, you do it because you get aroused, which happens to everyone and it is normal. But the only way to satisfy this arousal is through halal sex. 

I had a big issue with masturbation since like 10 years of age. I admit I would compare it to alcohol or drugs. At the worst point I was doing it at least 6 times a day. 

But I managed to break this habit. The secret is to make yourself feel sad and depressed about something so that you no longer feel like masturbating. But you can also think of that perfect person who Allah has made for you and that they will satisfy your needs and you should just pray for this person to come into your life very soon. I can proudly say, I've not mastubated for 3 years. 

In the beginning as long as you're trying really hard it's OK if you have a relapse or 2 as long as you eventually fully get rid of the habit. 

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4 minutes ago, Ali~J said:

So the issue is masturbation, right? Well there is no debate on this, we all know it is haraam.

How do you know for sure?

We are adviced to avoid the doubtful and this seems doubtful in the least, but  the evidence that I have seen in support of this hasn't been significant. But I would gladly hear what is the evidence you follow?

 

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Masturbation isnt the main issue. I approved this thread in the hope that this wouldnt turn into another one of those. Please refer to the resalat of yoir marjaa for the fiqh om this issue

The main issue is the sister feels that she has done a sin too many times and that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) may not forgive her. As I and others have said, this is a wrong idea. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) put sexual desire in human beings for a reason. The reason is so that they get married and by marriage continue and build up the religion and the Ummah. Without the sexual desire, this wouldnt happen. 

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5 hours ago, Aragaia said:

How do you know for sure?

We are adviced to avoid the doubtful and this seems doubtful in the least, but  the evidence that I have seen in support of this hasn't been significant. But I would gladly hear what is the evidence you follow?

1) OP says, "I was also masturbating, and battled with this addiction for many years." 

2) OP then says, "I’d say 2-3 years ago, I changed completely, dressed appropriately, didn’t speak to any guys, stopped masturbation..."

3) OP says, "but I feel like I unleashed this devil within myself and find myself masturbating, I really feel so lost I cry so much it kills because this is not me! I’m so disgusted at myself, and find it is making my heart black, it’s beyond my control and I’m so ashamed because I was doing so well until this event happened in my life I feel like I’m a waste of space and feel like Allah will not forgive me because I keep asking for the same forgiveness over the same thing, I’m trying so hard and I wish I can go back and change everything, I want to go ziyara because I feel like that was a big turning point in my life and helped me so much, but I say to myself that Allah is angry at me, Ahlul Bayt is angry at me, there’s no point the damage is done, my ziyara won’t be accepted."

And finally OP says 

3)"I’m honestly trying myself, everything about myself is still the same Humdlilah, except this issue," (THIS IS THE KEY PART) "I’m so disgusted at myself. I want to be innocent and feel pure but this issue is allowing me to think otherwise, when someone tells me how innocent and pure I am I feel even more ashamed because my character and personality Humdlilah is good, but this issue kills me honestly. I need help and advice, I’m stuck in life I feel like Allah will not forgive me at all. I want to stop this sinful act, but when I say Allah won’t forgive me, I think what’s the point?"

 

Masturbation is the main issue here. Yes, she also feels like Allah won't forgive her but the reason for that is clearly her masturbation addiction, do this should be addressed first so that she no longer feels that she is unforgiven. 

You can't just say "Oh it's OK Allah will forgive you but don't do it again next time" 

Saying that is stupid and doesn't help the root cause of the problem at all. The simple solution is to stop masturbation - which isn't actually that simple, so she stops thinking that Allah isn't/hasn't/won't forgive(n) her. 

I will go to great lengths @Aragaia to explain my point so if you need more assistance in understanding anything do let me know. 

Edited by Ali~J

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Salaam sister, like others have pointed out above, there is debate on whether mastubration is right or wrong according to different taqlid. THE IMPORTANT thing to remember is that whether it is or not Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) has said that HE WILL FORGIVE EVERY SIN except for shirk and that the BIGGEST SIN is to doubt that He will Forgive.

Second, do not feel bad about all those dating / lust problems and situations you went through, guess what an overwhelming majority of brothers and sisters that grew up in the west went through that. It's a new age, new technology, new media and new overwhelming bombardment of relationship / sexual imagery and material that was not prevalent before in communities that stimulate desires from a very young age compared to previous generations (this is something our elders and parents have had a VERY BAD TIME in recognizing and therefore being unable to prevent these problems in the younger generation with proper guidance). Their usual mantra of "focus on your studies, maintain your chastity, get a good and stable job in your mid to late 20's and then get married and have fun because that's what we did" is just NOT APPLICABLE in this day and age for the reasons I listed above, at least in Western countries. When people see literally everyone around them in relationships and having fun in high school / college etc and they themselves being alone because of religious reasons (and then in some cases even being made fun of and isolated by it), it really has a bad psychological and self esteem effect. It's more than understandable why someone could not take it anymore and indulge then in this type of activity. Just continuously do Istighfar and seek Forgiveness. The lesson for others is to get married EARLY (yes even while in university etc,) and for parents to financially support these marriages until they become independent.

Now as for your engagement thing, here is yet ANOTHER problem within our communities that I have a huge beef with. I have always maintained that engagement periods should NOT LAST MORE THAN 3-6 months. DO NOT get engaged until you know everything about the opposite party, but when you decide that this is the person to marry then set an official engagement and get married asap. Being engaged bring about a sense of excitement and in some cases a sense of impatience in the fact that one has kept chaste for so long and now can't wait until he / she crosses that next step. Pro-longing it can cause the problems you listed. You were totally in the right for refusing haraam touching and its something to keep in mind for the future inshAllah then when you do match up with a potential spouse AND you fully decide that this is the one that 1) you make the rules of engagement very clear to the other party 2) try and keep the engagement time as little as possible. Mutah relationship is completely halal and nothing to feel ashamed about for the reasons listed by others above.

As per the Qur'an, "With hardship there is ease, VERILY with hardship, there is ease". It's almost like an insistence because the "ease" part is stressed twice. Do tauba and istighfar, see Forgiveness from the All Merciful, make dua for better things and engage life again with FULL EFFORT, and be prepared to receive from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)  BETTER than what you were seeking and had asked for! :)

 

Edited by Kirmani

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16 hours ago, Guest12 said:

Please brothers and sisters be as open minded as possible, I know I’m a disgusting human, but I need help so I can guide myself back if it’s possible.,,

My dear sister, there are two big traps of Shaitan that you need to remember while doing two things:

1. When you are going to sin, Shaitan would say: "Allah (عزّ وجلّ) is so merciful, so lets do that sin, you will be forgiven".

2. When you have sinned, Shaitan would say: "Lolz, you have sinned so much that you cannot be forgiven at all". 

Allah (عزّ وجلّ) is, indeed, merciful but why you take such mercy for granted, it has a limit that is till end of life, you have to let go every sin because we never know when will be our last day so how would a person stand if he dies in midst of sin. It will, indeed, be very embarrassing moment if Allah (عزّ وجلّ) asks a person in his grave as to where are you coming from my creation ?

And, even if one is alive for a moment but is living with hatred towards the sin which he is doing, Allah (عزّ وجلّ) will forgive him but you have to Show to Allah (عزّ وجلّ) that you are better than that, so do not sin anymore. 

That is all I can say.

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Thank you I have read all your comments and taken everything into consideration. I truly appreciate that no one is being judgemental especially because I am a girl and is making me feel more comfortable to go into more depth about the way I feel. 

I always ask for forgiveness, but always seem to be put in that same situation, I’m even currently fasting to make up my days for Ramadan, I started to pray salatul layl, and still find it hard, so last night I made a nidr(promise to Allah) if I do this sinful act I will give $200 to the poor and pray 10 rukaat. I feel like I am trying my best but can try even harder. I’m just so upset how I was going well for 2-3 years and this event happened recently in my life. Like I think to myself “have I really changed in the past years? Have I really better my self?” And then the thought comes to mind “maybe I’m not meant to be close to my religion, I’m not good enough, Allah doesn’t love me” and the last one is “everything that I have done was for nothing” 

I’m really effected by it.. like Humdliah I still dress appropriatly don’t listen to music etc everything is the same except that disgusting sin. 

 

Also to to point out the last moments of my engagement was horrible, he was controlling, selfish and kept putting me down about myself. Sometimes I only felt like he would love me more if we were in a mutah marriage, even then he was still only caring about him self. Things got too bad between us and I couldn’t handle it anymore. Now I really don’t want to get married for 2 reasons, 1) anyone can change at anytime, try controlling me and putting me down, and no one is ever capable of loving me 

2) I am not worthy of a righteous person because of my past, which I truly regret but we get told that with our spouse, we get what we deserve... which I feel I will be deserving of someone who will treat me so bad. 

I really don’t want to feel like this and I’m struggling so bad, I just want to go back to before I met him. I’m at a very difficult stage in my life, and can’t talk to anyone about it. 

I’m so thankful that someone has created this community website 

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13 minutes ago, Guest12 said:

2) I am not worthy of a righteous person because of my past, which I truly regret but we get told that with our spouse, we get what we deserve... which I feel I will be deserving of someone who will treat me so bad. 

If you have sincerely repented, you will be worthy of someone who treats you well. But don't marry before you are ready. Cultivate friendships with women and learn to love yourself as a good human being before you even consider temporary or permanent marriage. 

If you feel an urge to sin, take a walk outside and breathe in the amazing world we have been given. Or read a book or watch a funny movie or exercise. And then pray and be mindful and have a clear conscience. 

You are worthy of happiness, and you will get there, but in the process you must learn to accept yourself and be your best self. 

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51 minutes ago, Guest12 said:

2) I am not worthy of a righteous person because of my past,

I wouldn't be so sure on that. Maybe someone very righteous will see a quality in you that they like. You are putting a limit on your ability to capture someone's heart.

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42 minutes ago, Guest12 said:

Also to to point out the last moments of my engagement was horrible, he was controlling, selfish and kept putting me down about myself. Sometimes I only felt like he would love me more if we were in a mutah marriage, even then he was still only caring about him self. Things got too bad between us and I couldn’t handle it anymore. Now I really don’t want to get married for 2 reasons, 1) anyone can change at anytime, try controlling me and putting me down, and no one is ever capable of loving me 

2) I am not worthy of a righteous person because of my past, which I truly regret but we get told that with our spouse, we get what we deserve... which I feel I will be deserving of someone who will treat me so bad. 

Sister, while you are totally within your rights on how to live your life, I would really urge you to reconsider about getting married. You can't just give up because of one really bad experience. Think of it as having dodged a HUGE BULLET, I know many couples that got divorced much later after marriage and the living circumstances and futures are completely messed up especially when children are involved. As many as terrible people there are out there believe me there are as many as good people out there. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) have stressed on marriage for a reason and the right partner will help you with all the empty areas in your life (AND remember that Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) also said Marriage is half the religion, without it you are not even on half the religion imagine that!). Make dua to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) of your intentions on fulfilling one of His recommendations (getting married) and ask for ease in finding a good and suitable partner asap.

As for your second point we have all pointed above, that NO ONE is perfect except for the Masumeen (عليه السلام), and there are tons of more people who have done WORSE THAN YOU, don't feel that way. Yes about one thing though, Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) has said that "There is no pain in this dunya but that it alleviates some sin", for every sin we commit we do have to account for it, either we are punished in this dunya or are punished in the hereafter (and obviously it's much better that we account for it here). I'm not saying you deserved all that misery, but maybe because Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) Loved your sincere repentance and did not want you to suffer a single bit in the grave, barzakh and the hereafter where the punishment is much more severe that all this served as a huge lesson, guidance, building of your strength and in a way an expiation for your past sins. You and every other good person deserve total happiness and should go out and get some now.

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1 hour ago, Guest12 said:

2) I am not worthy of a righteous person because of my past, which I truly regret but we get told that with our spouse, we get what we deserve... which I feel I will be deserving of someone who will treat me so bad. 

Firstly our past doesn't define your future. And it is written in the Qur'an:

"And We created you in pairs" 

Allah has surely created someone for everyone and if you pray to Allah he will give you a spouse who you will love for life and they will be your best friend forever, your time will come. If you keep praying to Allah and you try your hardest to keep away from sin then I'm sure you will be rewarded with a good spouse. 

And lastly the Holy Prophet has said , "Leave the hair of your body and fast c ontinuously." By saying that "leave the hair of your body," the Prophet is asking not to remove the hair which grows on pubic area, chest, etc, by shaving or using lotion or wax; rather one should just trim the hair. 

Wasa'il, vol. 14, p. 178

This hadith is indicating that removing the excessive hair increases one's sexual urge. So do not remove excessive hair. 

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1 hour ago, Guest12 said:

1) anyone can change at anytime, try controlling me and putting me down, and no one is ever capable of loving me 

2) I am not worthy of a righteous person because of my past, which I truly regret but we get told that with our spouse, we get what we deserve... which I feel I will be deserving of someone who will treat me so bad. 

lolz, 

1) I think the responsibility of feeling deplorable and at the mercy of your partner also rest upon you as well, you have to be confident and strong and take stand like many brave ladies have taken, I have even seen women who fought their husbands and they were beaten but they also beat their husbands lolz, I would not appreciate that but in case if someone's husband is too much ahead then knocking the head doesn't look too bad if it does not kills him.

2) If that would have been the rule, Prophet yousuf (عليه السلام) would not have married Bibi Zuleikha (عليه السلام) but she proved that she was far stronger than her past and that is also an example for you.

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20 hours ago, Guest12 said:

a Muslim girl 

salam,

Your answers are in the Qur'an. Everything thing is there, when it(Qur'an) says you're a hypocrite, it knows why, do not be disheartened accept what it says & it will tell you how to remove hypocrisy. You are just being tried to the core. You are not disgusting, you haven't seen some one pretending to be someone else living a lie. & through it all, ask Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to guide with His(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) guidance not yours, to purify you with His(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) purity not yours. No matter what, so long as you are still breathing, please know that you're still under His(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) mercy, so chances of getting it right are still open. Take care.

ws

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21 minutes ago, Mzwakhe said:

salam,

Your answers are in the Qur'an. Everything thing is there, when it(Qur'an) says you're a hypocrite, it knows why, do not be disheartened accept what it says & it will tell you how to remove hypocrisy. You are just being tried to the core. You are not disgusting, you haven't seen some one pretending to be someone else living a lie. & through it all, ask Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to guide with His(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) guidance not yours, to purify you with His(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) purity not yours. No matter what, so long as you are still breathing, please know that you're still under His(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) mercy, so chances of getting it right are still open. Take care.

ws

That's an accusation. This is not how the Qur'an describes hypocrites. And it isn't for you to say who is one.

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2 hours ago, Kirmani said:

Sister, while you are totally within your rights on how to live your life, I would really urge you to reconsider about getting married. You can't just give up because of one really bad experience. Think of it as having dodged a HUGE BULLET, I know many couples that got divorced much later after marriage and the living circumstances and futures are completely messed up especially when children are involved. As many as terrible people there are out there believe me there are as many as good people out there. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) have stressed on marriage for a reason and the right partner will help you with all the empty areas in your life (AND remember that Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) also said Marriage is half the religion, without it you are not even on half the religion imagine that!).

It's okay to get married if she finds the suitable time and person, but it is not usually adviced(I don't know if you are advicing that at all) to get married until one has sorted out the emotional damage caused by past life. This emotional damage can unattended for cause future relationships fail besides for it being bad for a person in general.

Quote

Al-Bayhaqi narrated in Shu’ab al-Eemaan from al-Raqaashi: “When a person gets married he has completed half of his religion, so let him fear Allaah with regard to the other half.”

This does not mean a person who does not marry has only completed half of their religion (and in  fact I'm not sure if it even applies to women). Marriage is a sunnah.

It only means that within marriage one can complete many areas of the religion such as chastity and modesty.

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8 hours ago, Guest12 said:

Thank you I have read all your comments and taken everything into consideration. I truly appreciate that no one is being judgemental especially because I am a girl and is making me feel more comfortable to go into more depth about the way I feel. 

I always ask for forgiveness, but always seem to be put in that same situation, I’m even currently fasting to make up my days for Ramadan, I started to pray salatul layl, and still find it hard, so last night I made a nidr(promise to Allah) if I do this sinful act I will give $200 to the poor and pray 10 rukaat. I feel like I am trying my best but can try even harder. I’m just so upset how I was going well for 2-3 years and this event happened recently in my life. Like I think to myself “have I really changed in the past years? Have I really better my self?” And then the thought comes to mind “maybe I’m not meant to be close to my religion, I’m not good enough, Allah doesn’t love me” and the last one is “everything that I have done was for nothing” 

I’m really effected by it.. like Humdliah I still dress appropriatly don’t listen to music etc everything is the same except that disgusting sin. 

 

Also to to point out the last moments of my engagement was horrible, he was controlling, selfish and kept putting me down about myself. Sometimes I only felt like he would love me more if we were in a mutah marriage, even then he was still only caring about him self. Things got too bad between us and I couldn’t handle it anymore. Now I really don’t want to get married for 2 reasons, 1) anyone can change at anytime, try controlling me and putting me down, and no one is ever capable of loving me 

2) I am not worthy of a righteous person because of my past, which I truly regret but we get told that with our spouse, we get what we deserve... which I feel I will be deserving of someone who will treat me so bad. 

I really don’t want to feel like this and I’m struggling so bad, I just want to go back to before I met him. I’m at a very difficult stage in my life, and can’t talk to anyone about it. 

I’m so thankful that someone has created this community website 

don’t judge all men based on this experience. When Imam Jaafer Sadiq((عليه السلام).) described a mumin, he said a mumin is someone who doesnt allow his hawa to overcome his aql. Irrational fear is part of hawa. You have been hurt by the behaviour of this man so you are afraid of being hurt again, so its ok to feel this way, and it is natural but don’t let this fear overcome your aql and cause you to behave in a way that is not part of Islam, because once you get into the habit of this it is very hard to break. 

Im sure you know that marriage is wajib for those brothers and sisters who have fallen into haram or have fear of falling into haram as a result of not being married. That describes approx 99% of the single brothers and sisters on Shia chat, in my experience (and I have some experience to back up this statement). Sexual desire is a desire that must be fulfilled at some point, just like the desire to eat. You can fast but eventually you will need to eat. The only question is will you eat from halal or haram. If u keep eating from haram, you run the risk of developing an illness, either physical spiritual or both. That is why Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) has made available to us many different kinds of food and made it easy to obtain for most people. If Alllah(s.w.a) didnt want to have mercy on us, He wouldnt have made this available for us. 

So I don’t think you should give up on the idea of marriage and I don’t think you should wait too long, otherwise you are taking a risk to undermine the progress you already made. Also you are not obligated to inform anyone of your past sins, including your potential husband, unless those sins could have a profound negative effect on him. This sin is not in that category, and especially since you have had success in overcoming it in the short term. 

That is the best advice I can give you . May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help you with this and may you find a spouse that will treat you with dignity and respect as you deserve to be treated. BTW most brothers are not like your former fiancee. So if you try again you have a good chance of meeting someone who is not like this. This is strait logic

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10 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

It’s one thing to dislike a sin for yourself, but it’s another thing to be filled with guilt, disgust for one’s self, and shame. These negative feelings are not healthy for your mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing. You need to love yourself no matter what, and seek to better yourself without putting yourself down in the process. Trust me, shame and disgust get you no where in life. It’ll ruin your self-esteem, it might attract you to abusive people who prey on your vulnerabilies and your negative self-talk. 

In order to break the cycle of abuse, you must stop being abusive to yourself (by not engaging in negative self talk) or else you’ll feel worthless at best, or at worst, think you deserve it. 

How will you dislike a sin if you forbid yourself from feeling that which makes you dislike it? Such as guilt and shame.

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Just now, IbnSina said:

How will you dislike a sin if you forbid yourself from feeling that which makes you dislike it? Such as guilt and shame.

There are so many ways that you can dislike a sin but not engulf yourself in shame. Such as understanding that one has committed a sin, but also knowing that you can’t keep beating yourself up for it. Shame and guilt is extremely unhealthy, especially when in a marriage. Feeling guilty and ashamed about sex-related issues will spill over to one’s marriage and may prevent fulfilling sexual intimacy between a husband and wife. Just look up how many people suffer from sexual disorders within religious people/couples in marriage due to shame and guilt. 

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1 minute ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

There are so many ways that you can dislike a sin but not engulf yourself in shame. Such as understanding that one has committed a sin, but also knowing that you can’t keep beating yourself up for it.

You mean to say that if we do something wrong, we should not feel ashamed and guilty, thus making us feel remorseful and regretful about the action of which we have taken?

If humans were meant to never feel the emtional consequences of sins and comply with haram/halal just for the sake of it being haram/halal, then nobody would ever sin to begin with.

 

5 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Feeling guilty and ashamed about sex-related issues will spill over to one’s marriage and may prevent fulfilling sexual intimacy between a husband and wife. Just look up how many people suffer from sexual disorders within religious people/couples in marriage due to shame and guilt. 

What issues? Please specify. I don't think those issues are related to haram and halal, maybe related to wrongful understanding of the role of physical intimacy between husband and wife within Islam. Physical intimacy in halal relationships in Islam is not something shameful or such sorts, much like how it used to be portrayed in Christianity earlier, however satisfying needs in haram ways is definitely shameful.

 

It is in front of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) that we feel shame whenever we do something wrong and it leads to remorse and seeking forgiveness.

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50 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

There are so many ways that you can dislike a sin but not engulf yourself in shame. Such as understanding that one has committed a sin, but also knowing that you can’t keep beating yourself up for it. Shame and guilt is extremely unhealthy, especially when in a marriage. Feeling guilty and ashamed about sex-related issues will spill over to one’s marriage and may prevent fulfilling sexual intimacy between a husband and wife. Just look up how many people suffer from sexual disorders within religious people/couples in marriage due to shame and guilt. 

Shame and guilt are normal and healthy at certain time. As excessive they are a symptom. They are not unhealthy in themselves they come from somewhere bad such as an unhealthy relationship.

but one can't just switch feelings off. It's good to let oneself feel what they feel to the fullest. There isn't really any other way.

and the problem isn't the feelings but what causes them. They have to be dealt with, not just forgotten.

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1 hour ago, IbnSina said:

How will you dislike a sin if you forbid yourself from feeling that which makes you dislike it? Such as guilt and shame.

The problem isn't the feeling of guilt and shame, but the inability to let the guilt and shame go, to forgive the self. Self loathing and self disgust are destructive and will only lead to more bad life choices. Until she has overcome her lack of self worth, she should probably not marry - her judgement will be impaired and her self loathing will poison even the best of relationships. The OP must heal and forgive herself before even considering marriage. 

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On 6/9/2019 at 4:13 PM, Guest12 said:

I’m honestly trying myself, everything about myself is still the same Humdlilah, except this issue, I’m so disgusted at myself. I want to be innocent and feel pure but this issue is allowing me to think otherwise, when someone tells me how innocent and pure I am I feel even more ashamed because my character and personality Humdlilah is good, but this issue kills me honestly. I need help and advice, I’m stuck in life I feel like Allah will not forgive me at all. I want to stop this sinful act, but when I say Allah won’t forgive me, I think what’s the point? 

Salamun Alaykum,

I hope and pray this reaches you well.

When you “feel” this way (unworthy of God’s forgiveness and impure) start engaging your higher “intellect” by asking yourself, “what does God want from me?”

You have feelings and you have an intellect.  Sometimes the way we feel may not be in harmony with your intellect.  You need to catch yourself in these moment and not succumb to simply what your emotions dictate.  You will find this very difficult so long as you identify yourself with your feelings.  But if you remind yourself that you are NOT your emotions which come and go then you will find following your intellect over your emotions an easier process.

Your intellect tells you that God loves those who ask for forgiveness and who never loose hope in Him.  Your intellect tells you that God loves those who submit their affairs entirely to Him.  God loves those who accept their weaknesses in the face of His absolute power.  Your intellect tells you that only Allah is the pure (that she is infinite and immaculate purity) while we creatures are not pure.  Your intellect tells you that there is no one worthy of praise, adoration and worship except God!  

But your feelings tell you otherwise.  Your feelings tell you that you CAN BE pure (or that you WERE PURE), your feelings tell you that YOU CAN be worthy of something or that YOU WERE worthy at one time.  Notice how this conflicts with your intellect (specifically when it comes to your intellects understanding of tawhid).  

 

 

 

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Salaam,

Keeping in mind that Islam does have a positive view of sexuality, it's important to understand the concept of Akhlaq and what our actions and behavior does to the Nafs. Masturbation feeds the Ego, which disillusions oneself from their true potential. Sex itself within a marriage is the the flow of the wind among the trees, it's a piece of a collective whole that makes a human their wholeness. Masturbation derides at the potentiality of spiritual fulfillment that is inherent within sex but most importantly, marriage. 

Studying a bit of Psychology in relation to this subject will do you good because Islam's position on this isn't solely on dogma or "religiousity". We recognize the very crucial psychological effects our habits have on ourselves and we chose to tame our Ego-self towards a beneficial way of living and respecting ourselves. This goes into stuff like diet etc as well.

Sexual drive is very good though, there is nothing out of the ordinary or wrong about that - it's what you choose to do about it and propagating self-discipline within yourself.

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20 minutes ago, HakimPtsid said:

Salaam,

Keeping in mind that Islam does have a positive view of sexuality, it's important to understand the concept of Akhlaq and what our actions and behavior does to the Nafs. Masturbation feeds the Ego, which disillusions oneself from their true potential. Sex itself within a marriage is the the flow of the wind among the trees, it's a piece of a collective whole that makes a human their wholeness. Masturbation derides at the potentiality of spiritual fulfillment that is inherent within sex but most importantly, marriage. 

Studying a bit of Psychology in relation to this subject will do you good because Islam's position on this isn't solely on dogma or "religiousity". We recognize the very crucial psychological effects our habits have on ourselves and we chose to tame our Ego-self towards a beneficial way of living and respecting ourselves. This goes into stuff like diet etc as well.

Sexual drive is very good though, there is nothing out of the ordinary or wrong about that - it's what you choose to do about it and propagating self-discipline within yourself.

I've never heard of a psychologist who thought refraining from masturbation is "good" per ce. Actually they tend to consider it healthy. But I'd gladly see a reference to this other kind.

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12 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

It’s one thing to dislike a sin for yourself, but it’s another thing to be filled with guilt, disgust for one’s self, and shame. These negative feelings are not healthy for your mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing.

It is in our fitrah and nature that when we do sin, we will feel guilt and disgust, that is exactly the nafs al lawwama (soul that blames) Qur'an 75:2. This feeling is a means for repenting. The following narration tells about its nature and how no matter what you tell yourself, it will always feel the same guilt.

Wabisah bin Ma’bad reported:

 I came to the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and he (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “You have come to ask about righteousness.” I said, “Yes.” He (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Consult your heart. Righteousness is that about which the soul feels at ease and the heart feels tranquil. And wrongdoing is that which wavers in the soul and causes uneasiness in the breast, even though people have repeatedly given their legal opinion [in its favour].

— Ahmad and Ad-Darmi[8]

What is not healthy is losing hope for Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and start to judge ourselves that we are not worthy for repentance because we repeat same sin constantly. This is not reality, this is just our own illusion and shaytan feeds such a thoughts and emotions to us. In reality, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) wants only good for us and He always accept the one who repent. He will guide those who repent to Him.

Edited by Abu Nur

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On 6/11/2019 at 12:55 AM, Kirmani said:

Sister, while you are totally within your rights on how to live your life, I would really urge you to reconsider about getting married. You can't just give up because of one really bad experience. Think of it as having dodged a HUGE BULLET, I know many couples that got divorced much later after marriage and the living circumstances and futures are completely messed up especially when children are involved. As many as terrible people there are out there believe me there are as many as good people out there. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) have stressed on marriage for a reason and the right partner will help you with all the empty areas in your life (AND remember that Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) also said Marriage is half the religion, without it you are not even on half the religion imagine that!). Make dua to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) of your intentions on fulfilling one of His recommendations (getting married) and ask for ease in finding a good and suitable partner asap.

As for your second point we have all pointed above, that NO ONE is perfect except for the Masumeen (عليه السلام), and there are tons of more people who have done WORSE THAN YOU, don't feel that way. Yes about one thing though, Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) has said that "There is no pain in this dunya but that it alleviates some sin", for every sin we commit we do have to account for it, either we are punished in this dunya or are punished in the hereafter (and obviously it's much better that we account for it here). I'm not saying you deserved all that misery, but maybe because Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) Loved your sincere repentance and did not want you to suffer a single bit in the grave, barzakh and the hereafter where the punishment is much more severe that all this served as a huge lesson, guidance, building of your strength and in a way an expiation for your past sins. You and every other good person deserve total happiness and should go out and get some now.

You’re right, ofcource I would love to get married one day, but after I have build my confidence within myself and towards Islam.

Thank you so much honestly! This is a very beautiful way of looking at it and can help someone get themselves closer to Allah, I will always go back and read that and inshallah will build me strength and guidance on the way! 

 

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