Reporting father

[Gaius I. Caesar]

On 6/4/2019 at 10:40 AM, rkazmi33 said:

She did one courageous act to save her mother, so now it has become her responsibility to provide financial means to her mother and family? Her mother, all the adults in her family and community, they all have no responsibilIty

No, that wasn't Akbar. That was me and I didn't say it was her responsibility, I suggested to the sister so she can show her mother "I love you, I haven't abandoned you. I'm financially independent and paying for the house " A peace offering, so her mother can realize  a.) It's not in her best interest to  support a violent man who pulled a knife on OP.  b.) If she continues guilt trip her daughter, she will lose something very special and become the architect of her own misery.

Never did I command OP to do anything, I only suggested them to her. She is free to take my advice or not. You would know this if you read my comment.

Edited June 6, 2019 by Gaius I. Caesar

[rxdbx]

6 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

No, that wasn't Akbar. That was me and I didn't say it was her responsibility, I suggested to the sister so she can show her mother "I love you, I haven't abandoned you. I'm financially independent and paying for the house " A peace offering, so her mother can realize  a.) It's not in her best interest to  support a violent man who pulled a knife on OP.  b.) If she continues guilt trip her daughter, she will lose something very special and become the architect of her own misery.

Never did I command OP to do anything, I only suggested them to her. She is free to take my advice or not. You would know if you read my comment.

I unfortunately can't pay or help with the house, because I don't have a job, and I just get a little money for food right now. 

[Gaius I. Caesar]

Just now, rxdbx said:

I unfortunately can't pay or help with the house, because I don't have a job, and I just get a little money for food right now. 

That's okay, when the shelter offers help with job seeking, take it. You need all the help you can get. What I suggested is for when you have a job.

[Akbar673]

On 6/4/2019 at 5:12 PM, Laayla said:

Why not?  Why do you want her to be medicated?

What are you basing your opinion of being medicated on?

How did you arrive at the conclusion that Meds are bad?

On 6/4/2019 at 4:31 PM, rxdbx said:

my mom texted me asking why did you report your uncles

Stop acknowledging your Mother's texts when she mentions this. Stay in contact with her but dismiss her words when she says this. His brothers are not part of the solution, they are part of the problem. Its their collective, backward mentality and their belief in it that is the problem.

On 6/4/2019 at 4:31 PM, rxdbx said:

my cousin from my moms side found out, and she messaged me saying go back home please your sister and mom are crying

Of course, they would. Again, why I told you to figure things out first instead of running away. Keep in touch with them regularly to let them know everything is fine. Eventually, when things settle down for you ask them to come meet you in a public place, not a private one because they will do everything in their power to drag you back home. In fact, your Father may secretly come along and grab you as soon as he sees you. Once, you're home he will beat the hell out of you, your Mother and also possibly your Sister as well. 

Your Father has a Psychiatric disorder known as Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Its heriditary, I would feel very safe in saying that his Father beat his wife as well, and felt no problem with beating his children either, and most probably at least one of your Uncle(s) also does the same thing to his wife and children. This disorder while being both heriditary and learned leads to depression, anxiety, other mental health problems and most commonly leads to addictions (how many cigarettes a day does your Father smoke?). Until he gets treated and medicated for it he will remain the same as he is now. 

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/intermittent-explosive-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20373921

Quote

Intermittent explosive disorder involves repeated, sudden episodes of impulsive, aggressive, violent behavior or angry verbal outbursts in which you react grossly out of proportion to the situation. Road rage, domestic abuse, throwing or breaking objects, or other temper tantrums may be signs of intermittent explosive disorder

Does that sound familiar to you, as far as how you would describe your Father?

On 6/4/2019 at 4:31 PM, rxdbx said:

I swear I want to kill myself right now.

For the love of Allah, please do not go down this road. Please mention to the people at the shelter that you are feeling this way. They will take the appropriate steps to help you. This path will not help you in anyway. I know its difficult right now, but to go down this path is not the solution by any measure. Keep faith in Allah, he will guide you to peace and happiness. He knows better of what you are going through even better than you do yourself. Stay true to what he has told us of suicide and how he mandates us out of his love for us to not take that path.

On 6/4/2019 at 4:31 PM, rxdbx said:

I don't really feel happy, comfortable or safe living in a household where I fear dad getting mad bc he'll beat mom or me up, or where I get an anxiety attack each time he gets mad.

Then you have every natural right to seek happiness just like any other person does. You also have the natural right to avoid the things which cause you unhappiness just like any other person does. 

On 6/4/2019 at 4:31 PM, rxdbx said:

On top of that, the things he say to me such as you're a shame to me, you're worthless, ugly, fat and whatever, commenting on my acne, my shyness and telling me that I'll have to sell my body to get food on the table in the future, and spitting on my face, and holding a knife in front of me about to stab me if mom didn't stop him, because I get bad grades, doesn't really help my anxiety around him.

That's not the way to live and that most certainly is not the way for a Father to speak to his child. Unfortunately, he has harmed you in ways more deeply than physically. He has damaged you mentally. Please understand that when is speaking to you like that, he is only venting his own insecurities on to you. All of the things he accuses you of are things which he knows to be his own flaws. He's insecure about them and that's why it subconsciously gives him pleasure to vent those things on someone else. 

Your poor grades are a result of your depression. Why would anyone want to focus on things like studying when your mind is tormented on other things. Had you lived in a normal home your grades would've been significantly better is my assumption, its not you that gets the bad grades, its your Father's behavior that has caused you to get those grades. Ironic, how the things he blames you for are the result of his own actions sadly.

On 6/4/2019 at 4:55 PM, rxdbx said:

I want for my mom and sister to be safe and myself as well.

I want a life where I don't fear my dads anger, or fear that he kills me or marries me off if I get bad grades or make him angry.

As should any other person in the world. That is a completely reasonable and normal thing to want in life. Don't let anyone drop any guilt on you for wanting that. Everyone naturally craves that. 

On 6/4/2019 at 4:55 PM, rxdbx said:

I wanted to escape getting beat up, and getting anxiety attacks in my house because of dad starting to curse and speak loudly, I want to get better mentally so that if I ever am to have kids, I never do this to them, and also so that I don't kill myself.

As I mentioned before, life hasn't been kind to nor has it been easy. However, you have taken the first steps to finding what you wish for. Sadly, its not going to be simple and easy, but with the right assistance and the guidance of Allah you will find all that you wish for InshAllah. You'll get there eventually so just be patient and hang in there.

On 6/4/2019 at 4:56 PM, rxdbx said:

my grandmother mentioned this winter when I got beat up, that they should just marry me off to my cousin or something.

Probably because she suffered at the hands of your Grandfather as well and knows that its best to leave this toxic mentality that your Father and his family have. She's an example of how you will end up if you don't take steps to get away. Wife beating continues down generation to generation. A boy that sees his Father beating his Mother will beat his wife also, if he doesn't have the sense to realize what he's doing is wrong. A boy that gets beat by his Father also beats his children with the same intensity.

On 6/4/2019 at 4:56 PM, rxdbx said:

My dad has also said when he was mad that it's better if I were to get hit by a train, bc at least they'll just mourn for a week or so, instead of when I'm alive they're mourning my whole life. And that I've just brought sorrow from the day I was born, saying that my sister does nothing, and it's just me that brings them trouble and sorrow.

Are you sure your Father loves you? Sounds to me as if he doesn't love anyone in the world. Including himself. He's broken psychiatricaly. He's got just as many issues as you do. Sounds to me as if generations of his family have been abused and in turn have developed into abusers themselves because of it. This has to end and you will be the one to do it, I'm sure of.

On 6/4/2019 at 5:40 PM, rxdbx said:

When the episode happened where my dad beat me up this winter bc of my grades, he started talking about everything, suspecting me of having a boyfriend, checking my phone going through my gallery, and when he only found Islamic related pictures, he said that if I care so much about my religion why don't I study. Previously an incident happened, where a boy and a hijabi girl that wore similar style clothes to me stood outside in front of my balcony, and coincidentally the boy put something in her backpack. The same day, my friend (she's a girl) put something, in my backpack on the other side of our apartment complex. When I got home he asked me who the person was and I said the name of the friend I was with, and he said don't lie that was a boy, after  me telling him a few times that it wasn't me, he said that he trusted me and it was okay he believed in me. Later he told my mom the story and said if I ever catch her with a boy I'll kill both of them. He constantly accuses me for things I haven't done. 

See above. Its his own insecurities coupled with what he's gone through in life that have turned him into an unstable person. He needs years and years of psychiatric treatment and even then its no guarantee he will be ok.

On 6/4/2019 at 6:30 PM, rxdbx said:

To which she replied with you should have just killed me, and you've made my life a hell, and, that I did everything for you, bought everything you pointed at, and this is how you repay me and this is your thankfulness to me. and why did you report your uncles, they didn't do anything, the police is at our door making life hell for me. 

And I replied: I called the police bc I was scared something was going to happen to you

She replied: I've raised you for this day, so that you could do this to me, and nobody cares about me, even my own daughter did this to me.

Your Mother is part of the problem, not part of the solution.

On 6/4/2019 at 9:04 PM, Islandsandmirrors said:

Why are some people victim-blaming?

Who is blaming her exactly?

18 hours ago, rxdbx said:

Tonight my mom messaged me and said "go and tell the police to release your dad, this life has already been made to hell, I'm all alone now and that death would be better Than this, if you're not going to do this then pray to God that he takes my life, for death would be better than this, or go and ask them to release your dad"

See above.

18 hours ago, rxdbx said:

My uncle messaged and said "why are you doing this, please go and tell the police to release your dad, the monthly pay for the house is here, and if they don't pay they'll lose the house"

Emotional manipulation. You might want to block their numbers on your phone. Only receive texts from your Mother and Sister.

18 hours ago, rxdbx said:

And my cousin messaged me "your mom is completely done and God forbid in a couple of days if she dies, then you know you're guilty of her death, and none of us will ever forgive you for it, if you don't care about your parents being around you or you around them, then at least tell them to release your dad, because your mom and little sister have been alone for days, have some mercy for your mothers life. On the God you worship, please read this message"

Your Mother is going to be fine, if she has the strength to blame her daughter for her problems then trust me she has the strength to carry on. More emotional manipulation. However, I can't stress enough that she is your Mother afterall. Do not do anything that will cause her grief, but let her know that enough is enough. Keep in touch with her no matter what she says will happen to her. Women like her tend to use the only angle they have available to them, emotional manipulation. She's probably a master at it because she had to learn it to survive with your Father. He doesn't use logic so he's probably very easy to manipulate emotionally if you know what buttons to push.

18 hours ago, rxdbx said:

I feel so guilty about everything now, and scared on top of that. I don't know what to do.

What have you done that is wrong? Its not too much to want to live a life that is devoid of fear and mental anguish. Just stay patient and calm and carry on with your life. At the end of the day it is your life, not theirs, so the control of it should be in your own hands and not anyone else's.

This is probably the longest post I've ever had, but I'm a Father myself and one of the biggest fears I live with is that my daughter will end up with someone like your Father. It sometimes wakes me up at night with fear and anxiety. However, that does not mean that I will not do whatever I can to protect her from the world even it requires me taking excessive steps to ensure her happiness.

I wish the same for you. No woman should endure what you are going through. There are solutions to your problems, though they may be painful and difficult and there will be many obstacles on that path. However, stay true to that path and stay true to Allah and his love and mercy for you. InshAllah you will find a person that will give you all of the joy and happiness that was denied to you in the past. Stay true to the hope that Allah will grant you what you deserve.

[Vindemiatrix]

2 hours ago, Akbar673 said:

I just skimmed through this entire thread and no one here has attacked her for taking the steps she did.

No one, except for one person in particular. No names will be mentioned. 

[rxdbx]

Salam everyone, hope you're all well.

My mother sent me a couple more messages saying "Go and release your father. You've cut my hands and feet (I don't know what she means), I don't have the dignity to face others anymore. You've taken traveling to Pakistan away from me, you may not care about your own mother (her), but you're going to kill my mother as well. If there is any mercy in your heart left for me, go back and tell the police to release your dad and uncle."

I didn't reply to her, my cousins, or uncles message yesterday, and I haven't replied to this one as well. I still think that reporting my dad was the right choice no matter how emotionally difficult, but should I reply to her, and if so, what should I say?

[Gaius I. Caesar]

6 hours ago, rxdbx said:

but should I reply to her, and if so, what should I say?

Don't, remember what brother Akbar said:

10 hours ago, Akbar673 said:

Your Mother is going to be fine, if she has the strength to blame her daughter for her problems then trust me she has the strength to carry on. 

Just focus on yourself for right now, besides the only person who has cut your mother's hands and feet is your father.

[rxdbx]

Kind of out of topic, but since I'm staying in a women's shelter, and the toilets are for everyone to share, how do I do my praying and wudhu? I feel like the seat is all dirty and yeah. I haven't been able to pray before now, so I just recently thought of this. I did bring myself a turbah, but I'm just going to ask my friends to get me a prayer mat, since I didn't bring that with me.

Edited June 6, 2019 by rxdbx

[aaaz1618]

57 minutes ago, rxdbx said:

Kind of out of topic, but since I'm staying in a women's shelter, and the toilets are for everyone to share, how do I do my praying and wudhu? I feel like the seat is all dirty and yeah. I haven't been able to pray before now, so I just recently thought of this. I did bring myself a turbah, but I'm just going to ask my friends to get me a prayer mat, since I didn't bring that with me.

If the water or facilities around you are so impure that you can never realistically be pure once leaving them I wonder if tayamum is an option. 

[Abu Hadi]

4 hours ago, rxdbx said:

Kind of out of topic, but since I'm staying in a women's shelter, and the toilets are for everyone to share, how do I do my praying and wudhu? I feel like the seat is all dirty and yeah. I haven't been able to pray before now, so I just recently thought of this. I did bring myself a turbah, but I'm just going to ask my friends to get me a prayer mat, since I didn't bring that with me.

Make sure the seat is dry before you sit down. Then line the top of it with several layers of toilet paper. That way no najasat will get on you. Also collect plastic water bottles and stash them away so you can use them to clean. 

For the prayer mat you can use a clean dry towel or blanket. Just make sure that the area where you pray is dry. Everything can be considered tahir unless you are 100% certain it is najis. don’t let the fear of najasat stop you from making Namaz

[rxdbx]

My mom continues to send me messages "Please have some mercy for me in your heart, because I've raised you for so many years." I feel like what I'm doing is islamically wrong at this point. 

Edited June 7, 2019 by rxdbx

[Ashvazdanghe]

56 minutes ago, rxdbx said:

My mom continues to send me messages "Please have some mercy for me in your heart, because I've raised you for so many years." I feel like what I'm doing is islamically wrong at this point. 

Salam It's not islamicaly wrong but needs sacrifice & strong will.

[Gaius I. Caesar]

1 hour ago, rxdbx said:

I feel like what I'm doing is islamically wrong at this point. 

It's not, they took culture for an idol and you suffered for it. Just remember what Akbar said, if you go back, most likely you'll get beaten by your father and he'll go after your mother and sister next. 

1 hour ago, rxdbx said:

My mom continues to send me messages "Please have some mercy for me in your heart, because I've raised you for so many years."

Where was she when your father pulled  a knife on you, yelled at you and took his anger out on you? She was silent, she accepted this un-Islamic treatment as normal and failed to protect you.

Edited June 7, 2019 by Gaius I. Caesar

[Guest Jem]

4 hours ago, rxdbx said:

My mom continues to send me messages "Please have some mercy for me in your heart, because I've raised you for so many years." I feel like what I'm doing is islamically wrong at this point. 

I say you should tell the police to release him only because your mom and sister are dependent on him for living.. they want to continue living with him so let them be at this point if you don’t see any reconciliation with your father you should just live away from them . I doubt he will ever do anything violent because he would not want to go back to jail again. Help your mom out do what she wishes and if anything happens its not your fault. You should not live with them if your scared of him stay at the shelter till you get a job and save money.

[rxdbx]

20 minutes ago, Guest Jem said:

I say you should tell the police to release him only because your mom and sister are dependent on him for living.. they want to continue living with him so let them be at this point if you don’t see any reconciliation with your father you should just live away from them . I doubt he will ever do anything violent because he would not want to go back to jail again. Help your mom out do what she wishes and if anything happens its not your fault. You should not live with them if your scared of him stay at the shelter till you get a job and save money.

I can't tell the police to release him, he's in pre trial police custody, so that he doesn't ruin the investigation, it's up to the police what happens not me. I just told the truth.

Edited June 7, 2019 by rxdbx

[rxdbx]

She's saying that I'm killing her and she's alone now when my father is in jail, and that it would have been better if I killed her, instead of doing this. She also said that he's not going to do anything to you when gets released, so please tell them to not penalize him, and that she can't live without my father and me. 

I said: I can't do anything about him being in pre trial custody, and when I lied to the police I failed my duty as a Muslim. I can't lie or take back what I've said to the police. I love you mom, but what happened is wrong, and I can't lie anymore, and you know well that he's not going to let me be when he gets released.

She replied "Does the religion of Islam teach you to let your mother die, you don't even have any mercy for me, after everything I've done for you. I can't leave the house you've brought shame upon my face, this isn't love, you're killing me.".

Edited June 7, 2019 by rxdbx
've

[Akbar673]

8 hours ago, rxdbx said:

My mom continues to send me messages "Please have some mercy for me in your heart, because I've raised you for so many years." I feel like what I'm doing is islamically wrong at this point. 

At this point, you have to take your Mother's feelings into consideration. I know that she is most probably not thinking on the most practical level and she's clearly letting culture and emotion guide her instead of logic and common sense but you might want to speak to the Police and convey this to them. 

I know in the U.S. if the wife (the victim of the violence) refuses to press charges then the Police have to release him. Not sure what the legality for this is in your country, but at the very least they will become aware of what is going on.

Mention your Mother's messages to them and explain from a cultural standpoint what is going on as well as what you are going through as well. Not only from an emotional perspective but also from a cultural and Islamic perspective. The Police have access to resources that you may not even be aware of. This isn't the first time they have come across something like this. 

You have to understand one very important thing. Your Father will continue to be violent. He will continue to beat your Mother, in fact he will probably do it as soon as he and your Mother are alone. He will beat her in a rage and it will be brutal. He will also probably beat your sister as well. He will also search you out for the purpose of beating you mercilessly as well. He's full of rage and anger and that's pent up inside him. In men with psychological rage like this their intensity and rage rises to inhuman levels at times like this and he will stop beating them only when his anger subsides. He'll probably do some damage to the house as well (smashing things and putting holes in the wall, etc...).

He will then do the same thing that others do when their rage subsides, after burning off the hormones in his head that fuel his rage he will then slip into a major depression. After the rage goes away, feelings of guilt and regret come on in equal measure of the rage. This is a result of the hormonal imbalance in his brain. When he sees the damage he has done to your Mother and Sister he will become suicidal, if not then he will be consumed with regret which will cause him to act irrationally. He will be consumed with feelings of "Oh no, what have I done ?!?!?". 

The Police and psych team that have interviewed him already will already know all of this. This will be a factor if they deem him able to be released or not.

I sincerely wish none of this would've happened to you, I really mean that. As a Father myself just thinking about what you are going through shakes me to my core. I spoke to my wife about this and she was visibly shaken as well. If there is anything I can do to help in any way possible send me a PM. 

All the best to you. My family is praying for you !!!

[Akbar673]

3 hours ago, rxdbx said:

I can't do anything about him being in pre trial custody, and when I lied to the police I failed my duty as a Muslim. I can't lie or take back what I've said to the police.

What did you lie about ?

3 hours ago, rxdbx said:

"Does the religion of Islam teach you to let your mother die, you don't even have any mercy for me, after everything I've done for you. I can't leave the house you've brought shame upon my face, this isn't love, you're killing me."

More emotions from someone that lacks inner strength. Its not her fault, its the culture that she was raised in. 

[rxdbx]

3 minutes ago, Akbar673 said:

What did you lie about ?

More emotions from someone that lacks inner strength. Its not her fault, its the culture that she was raised in. 

In my first interrogation everyone made me lie and say that my dad has never been abusive towards me, my mom and sister, and that I didn't actually see him beat my mom up.

[rxdbx]

Would it be islamically wrong if I just don't log on into my facebook and ignore her messages, that's what she's contacting me on, I get so stressed and anxious whenever I read them.

[Akbar673]

41 minutes ago, rxdbx said:

In my first interrogation everyone made me lie and say that my dad has never been abusive towards me, my mom and sister, and that I didn't actually see him beat my mom up.

You need to go to the Police and tell them the truth. They will understand that your original statement was made under duress and hightened emotions. Also, tell them who told you to lie about and say the things you did. The absolute truth needs to be shared. 

41 minutes ago, rxdbx said:

Would it be islamically wrong if I just don't log on into my facebook and ignore her messages, that's what she's contacting me on, I get so stressed and anxious whenever I read them.

Yes, it would be because you are ignoring your Mother's attempts at contacting you. I'm not telling you to agree with what she is saying, I'm saying do not end contact with her.

By being in contact with you, its allowing her as a Mother to know that you are safe. Don't add more problems to her already emotional state by ending contact with her. Its torturous for a Parent to not know where their children are and not knowing if they are safe and sound.

[rxdbx]

16 minutes ago, Akbar673 said:

You need to go to the Police and tell them the truth. They will understand that your original statement was made under duress and hightened emotions. Also, tell them who told you to lie about and say the things you did. The absolute truth needs to be shared. 

Yes, it would be because you are ignoring your Mother's attempts at contacting you. I'm not telling you to agree with what she is saying, I'm saying do not end contact with her.

By being in contact with you, its allowing her as a Mother to know that you are safe. Don't add more problems to her already emotional state by ending contact with her. Its torturous for a Parent to not know where their children are and not knowing if they are safe and sound.

I did go to the police and told them the absolute truth, that's the reason why my dad and uncle is in jail right now, so that they don't disturb the investigation.

What should I reply to her then? I really don't know what to say to her, she says that I'm killing her, and she's begging me to tell the police to release my dad and uncle, saying she can't live without my dad and me. That's up to the police, to release them or not, and I've told her several times. On top of that she's saying that this is not love, and asking whether Islam says to leave your mother for death is right and all.

[starlight]

This is classic manipulative behaviour found in people with abusive mentality.

Always play victim- making you seem to be the one who caused a problem which they began but won’t take responsibility for. 

 Preying on your fears and insecurities, make you act defensive. 

When I was with my ex, and once we were having one of these conversations. He loved these mind games where he made up hypothetical "what if''scenarios and asked me told me how I was supposed to act in a particular situation. Lol, this thread made me go down the memory lane. So he asks me what if you are watching a favourite show on the telly and someone comes and purposely blocks the view and start making noise and creating a non stop disturbance. I said obviously I would be annoyed and first I will politely ask them to get out of the way. 'and what if they don't listen?'  I said, I will start to get more annoyed and if they don't listen at all I might get angry and end up yelling at them. So he asks do you think this would be the right response? I replied 'I am not sure maybe I should exhibit more patience but if someone is doing that on purpose, most people I know would end up angry'. And he said, "by losing your cool YOU would be the one responsible for creating an unpleasant situation and you would be the one who should pay for it.The correct thing which you should do is keep on putting up with it because that means no disturbance and no fighting, Do you want to be the one responsible for a nasty situation, obviously no, then you keep quiet"

So this what they are doing to you. Abuse Abuse abuse............ things are good because everyone pretends nothing's happening and the victims are silently enduring it. More abuse and you say you have had enough and now suddenly you are responsible for the whole situation.

[Laayla]

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum.

Some of you have tagged me or replied, I would like to respond but will do so in another thread.

I'm withdrawing myself from this thread for various reasons, the focus should be on sister rxdbx and I don't want to take that attention from her.

God bless her and keep her away from harm.

If the mods find my response beneficial to her, they are welcomed to post it back on this thread.  

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

[Guest To you]

43 minutes ago, rxdbx said:

I did go to the police and told them the absolute truth, that's the reason why my dad and uncle is in jail right now, so that they don't disturb the investigation.

What should I reply to her then? I really don't know what to say to her, she says that I'm killing her, and she's begging me to tell the police to release my dad and uncle, saying she can't live without my dad and me. That's up to the police, to release them or not, and I've told her several times. On top of that she's saying that this is not love, and asking whether Islam says to leave your mother for death is right and all.

Leave her, don’t respond to .  Tell her I love you don’t panic you are a victim of dad abuse ,im not doing anything to you. I am doing the right thing and I will get away from unpleasent situation.

[rxdbx]

I'm going to reply her with this. (her message about me killing her and Islam not allowing the child to leave their mother for death)

"No, but Islam says you should stand up against thulm, say something when something wrong is happening to you or others, and it is my obligation in Islam to save myself from thulm. One who can beat up his own daughter and say all the things he says for several years, is not suddenly going to stop now. I tried to help you on Thursday, and I did my part, but if you don't want help, I can't do anything about it. Mom you are 37 and I think you know right from wrong. I must and will help myself now. I didn't tell the police that they should penalize him, and he is in custody so that they can investigate properly, I can't do anything about it. If he is not punished, I will have nothing to do with him anymore, unless you want to help yourself, no one can help you. I understand where (my little sister) comes from since she has only been beaten twice, but I literally get beaten up every six months, therefore I really want to change the situation compared to her. I also don't want to put myself in a situation where I was going to killed myself out of fear or hopelessness, which God never forgives. Nor do I want to live like that, even if I had actually survived living with him, I might have one day done it to my children. If in the future I ever get kids, and beat them up or make them that afraid of me, then I really hope they leave me and do something about the situation. And the fact that (my cousin) sends messages blaming me for everything, and says that every parent gets mad at times is wrong, parents shouldn't do that, and it's their duty to remove threats and dangers in their children's lives, not create dangers."

I really don't know how to maintain contact with her, as most of you say I should. What should I reply to her?

[starlight]

14 minutes ago, rxdbx said:

I really don't know how to maintain contact with her

It would be perfectly alright to keep it to a bare minimum until you are in a better place emotionally. Until then it would suffice to just let her know you are safe and she can reach out to you anytime in case she needs help.

[rxdbx]

1 minute ago, starlight said:

It would be perfectly alright to keep it to a bare minimum until you are in a better place emotionally. Until then it would suffice to just let her know you are safe and she can reach out to you anytime in case she needs help.

What about the messages she sends such as you're killing me, have mercy and all that. She knows I'm safe, but I don't know whether I should reply to these, and what I should reply with.

[starlight]

Just now, rxdbx said:

What about the messages she sends such as you're killing me, have mercy and all that. 

Ignore them for now, avoid getting into any arguments with your cousin. Pray to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) everyday and InshaAllah things will get better. Times change,they always do,have faith in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)

[Gaius I. Caesar]

4 minutes ago, rxdbx said:

What about the messages she sends such as you're killing me, have mercy and all that. She knows I'm safe, but I don't know whether I should reply to these, and what I should reply with.

If she has the time and energy to write this, she'll be ok. I agree with Starlight, keep contact at a bare minimum. 

[Akbar673]

3 hours ago, rxdbx said:

What should I reply to her then?

Despite everything that she is doing and saying to you she is still, and always will be, your Mother. Just let her know what your position is on all of this is and that enough is enough for you. Let her say what she wishes to say, that is her right, but you have to speak on your position and why you are doing what you are doing. Its not easy, but if you wish to escape that life it is the step that you need to take.

3 hours ago, rxdbx said:

I really don't know what to say to her, she says that I'm killing her, and she's begging me to tell the police to release my dad and uncle, saying she can't live without my dad and me.

Just keep in touch with her by letting her know that you are fine as well as any other things you would like to talk to her about other than this. Don't stop that at any point. Always maintain contact in a decent and respectable manner with her.

Tell her everything that you have said to the Police and leave it at that. 

3 hours ago, rxdbx said:

That's up to the police, to release them or not, and I've told her several times.

She doesn't understand the complexities of the law and how it works. Many Desis think its how the Police work in India/Pakistan. That if you just go talk to the Police they will let them out. Doesn't work like that in Europe. Just explain that to her and leave it at that. 

3 hours ago, rxdbx said:

On top of that she's saying that this is not love, and asking whether Islam says to leave your mother for death is right and all.

Well, does she realize what is coming her way after your Father gets out of jail? Unfortunately, she is about to get a massive beating. She might want to go somewhere else before your Father gets out for the sake of her own safety.

3 hours ago, starlight said:

This is classic manipulative behaviour found in people with abusive mentality.

Always play victim- making you seem to be the one who caused a problem which they began but won’t take responsibility for. 

 Preying on your fears and insecurities, make you act defensive. 

Well, you have to understand that her Mother is also a victim. She's had to develop surivival instincts on her own and since she can not appeal to his logic or physically defend herself from him, she has had to develop a way to manipulate him mentally and emotionally. You can't fault her Mother for developing those skills, because it was what she had to do to survive.

She's employing those same tactics on her daughter because that's become second nature for her. When someone is trapped in a dangerous situation like her then you have to do what you can to survive. Its either that or get battered by her husband more regularly.

3 hours ago, starlight said:

When I was with my ex, and once we were having one of these conversations. He loved these mind games where he made up hypothetical "what if''scenarios and asked me told me how I was supposed to act in a particular situation. Lol, this thread made me go down the memory lane. So he asks me what if you are watching a favourite show on the telly and someone comes and purposely blocks the view and start making noise and creating a non stop disturbance. I said obviously I would be annoyed and first I will politely ask them to get out of the way. 'and what if they don't listen?'  I said, I will start to get more annoyed and if they don't listen at all I might get angry and end up yelling at them. So he asks do you think this would be the right response? I replied 'I am not sure maybe I should exhibit more patience but if someone is doing that on purpose, most people I know would end up angry'. And he said, "by losing your cool YOU would be the one responsible for creating an unpleasant situation and you would be the one who should pay for it.The correct thing which you should do is keep on putting up with it because that means no disturbance and no fighting, Do you want to be the one responsible for a nasty situation, obviously no, then you keep quiet"

Unfortunately, your Ex was not only a manipulator but he was also a schemer. He would lay the foundation before he would do something to make sure he could say that you were the one who made the scene. People like that are usually the victims of a childhood in which someone taught them that technique because they were the victim themselves. Again, this is usually the Mother who does this due to her being in an abusive marriage. Not defending your Ex by any strectch but there is always a reason why people like that do what they do and why they do that.

I would also assume that his Mother was very much involved in your marriage by manipulating your Ex to do things which were to her advantage. Again, this is his Mother's survival instincts kicking in because she viewed you as a threat to her relationship with her son. A threat because he was probably the only one she felt she could rely on.

32 minutes ago, rxdbx said:

What about the messages she sends such as you're killing me, have mercy and all that

Only reply to the ones that do not have her saying things like that, or the ones that ask questions that are relevant. If you don't acknowledge her emotional words then eventually she will realize its not working and she will stop.

 

[Ani]

@rxdbx salam

I hope you are alright. It takes immense courage to go against your family to do the right thing. And you did the absolute right thing. Just remember to stay on the right path, even a little mistake by you could make everything wrong. But you did nothing wrong. You are on the right path. Stop letting your mum's words influence you. It's obvious that you love her more than she does. She must've left with you if she cared enough. But she didn't have the courage or maybe she loves her respect, image and your father more than she loves you. Stay strong. You don't need to reply to her. Concentrate on your life now. You are just trying to save yourself. It was your parents duty but they failed so you have to protect yourself. Stop thinking about your mum and your family now. It is very hard but you have to stay strong and hold your path and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will help you insha'Allah. The best thing you can do for your mum and sister is pray for them and leave the rest to Allah. And don't be scared that your mum or dad might die and it will be your fault because everyone is going to die eventually. No one dies before their time. And you have to leave certain matters to Allah. But hopefully no one will die in this matter insha'Allah. But whatever happens don't ever think that it's your fault. Allah wanted things to go this way that's why all this is happening.  People can say whatever they want , Allah knows the truth. And look what these horrible people forced you to do...it's not like you are enjoying this or you wanted to do this...you were forced to do this for your own safety and health. Remember this, always. The blame is on them, not you.  Stop thinking about worst case scenarios. You are safe now. Every one is going to go in their own grave. You will not pay for your father or mothers mistakes. There is nothing you can do for them anymore. They are not your responsibility. They were supposed to care for you, love you, protect you and they couldn't. Allah gave them multiple choices but every decision they took led to this moment. You take care of yourself. You are doing nothing wrong and you don't owe anything to your parents other than respect. Your mum should have left with you. I would tell you to stop talking to her, drop every contact but if you want to talk to her just keep telling her that she doesn't love you enough or care for you and your sister to leave her abusive husband so how does she expect you to ruin your life for her ?? They are trying to manipulate you. Stay strong. All will get well inshallah. 

[rxdbx]

It's just that my mother is one to put her kids before herself. Before eating she always made sure we were fed and everything. Always did everything for us instead of putting herself first. She has always sacrificed her wishes in life for us, always making sure we got everything we wanted and needed materialistically, and that's why I feel like what I'm doing is wrong. But in this situation she's really worried about what others will think.

She's sent me a new message saying: this isn't the person I gave birth to, I don't recognize you, and that people are laughing at me and making a mockery out of me because of you, and after all I've done for you this is how you repay me. And that death would be better than this life, also that she doesn't know how to pay the rent, because it's always dad that's done that.

I replied with "you can tell the police, and they'll get people that work around that field to help you with that."

Edited June 12, 2019 by rxdbx

[aaaz1618]

On 6/12/2019 at 8:05 AM, rxdbx said:

She's sent me a new message saying: this isn't the person I gave birth to, I don't recognize you, and that people are laughing at me and making a mockery out of me because of you, and after all I've done for you this is how you repay me. And that death would be better than this life, also that she doesn't know how to pay the rent, because it's always dad that's done that.

I replied with "you can tell the police, and they'll get people that work around that field to help you with that."

A lot of this is theatrics again unfortunately, she doesn't recognise the person you have become yet at the same time doesn't recognise that this is for the best. Are people actually laughing at her and making a mockery, or is this just largely exaggerated cultural issues? It is such a shame that she hasn't seen this as a blessing.

After all she has done for you, one thing she has done is sheltered you and given you life, what have you done to repay her? You have given her life and sheltered her. Again, she doesn't yet see this. Death would not be better, this is cultural theatrics again. Would she want her children motherless being beaten by their father? 

She may or may not know how to pay rent, but it's unlikely she doesn't at least have some idea. You are right, there are people who can help.

[Akbar673]

2 hours ago, rxdbx said:

It's just that my mother is one to put her kids before herself. Before eating she always made sure we were fed and everything. Always did everything for us instead of putting herself first. She has always sacrificed her wishes in life for us, always making sure we got everything we wanted and needed materialistically, and that's why I feel like what I'm doing is wrong.

This is why myself, and many others, always said to not take drastic steps like leaving in the middle of the night. Also, this is why everyone keeps saying to keep in touch with your Mother and not be rude or harmful to her. Regardless of what she may have said to you, she's never stopped loving you.

2 hours ago, rxdbx said:

But in this situation she's really worried about what others will think.

That's not so much her fault overall. Being a desi myself I know very well how important it is in that culture to be cognizant of what the opinions of others are. I'm not defending it, nor am I condoning it. I'm just speaking on the cultural status of it. Couple that with the fact that desi women love to gossip about things like this.

However, this isn't a situation just of social standing, this is a life and death situation, or at the very least a permanent physical injury situation. I won't even comment on the mental damage situation because that's already happened for all involved. As such, you need to find a solution that works best for you. Desi culture is just as toxic as your Father's mentality. 

2 hours ago, rxdbx said:

She's sent me a new message saying: this isn't the person I gave birth to, I don't recognize you, and that people are laughing at me and making a mockery out of me because of you, and after all I've done for you this is how you repay me.

See above. Are they making a mockery of her being a victim of physical violence? If so, then they aren't the people who's opinion should matter at any degree. 

However, I doubt that they are aware of the physical violence. I'm pretty sure that the story being put out by your Father's family is that you overreacted to a simple argument and had him thrown in jail. They would never allow the fact that he beats his wife to get out to the public, That would destroy their public image.

Don't worry, in time the truth always comes out.

2 hours ago, rxdbx said:

also that she doesn't know how to pay the rent, because it's always dad that's done that.

Well, that's unfortunately the damage that your Father's actions wrought upon his family. Not only did he damage them physically and mentally but financially as well. Not sure how to respond to this issue, but perhaps if you spoke to someone at your shelter they might be able to route her towards a charity organization that would help out. Doesn't hurt to ask.

2 hours ago, rxdbx said:

I replied with "you can tell the police, and they'll get people that work around that field to help you with that."

Best thing right now if for you to reply to your Mother with potential solutions. Her list of worries is quite extensive at this point and since she is your Mother you need to speak to your Shelter's staff and ask them how they can help. Allah does not place an obstacle in front of you which you do not possess the ability to overcome.

Edited June 12, 2019 by Akbar673