Reporting father

[Akbar673]

On 6/2/2019 at 3:36 AM, rxdbx said:

I left yesterday, without mom knowing.

Go back home.

On 6/2/2019 at 3:36 AM, rxdbx said:

My heart breaks for her, she's called my friend a thousand times, but I know if I answer then she'll just tell me to come home.

and this is why everyone told you not to do this...you've only added more problems for your Mother. Not the route to take by any stretch. 

On 6/2/2019 at 3:36 AM, rxdbx said:

I'm in a women's shelter alone.

Talk to the Counselors there. They'll provide you with the best advice face to face. 

On 6/2/2019 at 3:36 AM, rxdbx said:

I then went to the police station where my uncle came, he was mad and told me to go out with him so we can have a talk. He started cursing at me and saying what will people think of us, that I'm ruing my parents lives, and "they're going to put me in a jail cell this time".

Stop talking to your Father's side of the family. They are backward jahils that have no idea of what is right and wrong. All they are worried is about your Father's and by extension their Family's public reputations. Did he ever show any regret about what your Mother or you have suffered through?

On 6/2/2019 at 3:36 AM, rxdbx said:

they took the uncle that made me lie in the interrogation in jail for one night.

You're only pissing people off more by your actions. You need to stop this idiotic behavior. All you're doing is creating more enemies. You need to stop and listen to the advice everyone is giving you. If you don't you'll just create more chaos as you are doing currently.

On 6/2/2019 at 3:36 AM, rxdbx said:

I know it may be wrong to not answer my mom when she's so worried. But I can't tell her where I am because she will tell my dads side of the family.

Yes, its extremely wrong. Your choice of taking this step is only making things even worse. You never should have left in the first place if you didn't have things figured in regards to a plan on how things will be for you after you leave home. You let your emotions guide your decisions at the expense of logic. You need to go home and make this right. Not telling you to stay there but you need to not be a greater problem on your Mother and sister at this point. Go home, plan your exit properly and then leave.

On 6/2/2019 at 7:44 AM, rxdbx said:

Everyone on his side is mad at me, and I don't think anyone will ever want to talk to me, especially after I tell the police everything.

Again, not the smartest course of action to take. You've already created enemies by running away from home and then having your Uncle thrown in jail. What you need to do now is go home quietly. Plan where you will live properly, how you will pay for that and how you will live your life. This running away from home in the middle of the night was not the right path to take and you've only done more harm than good because of it. Stop being part of the problem, and start becoming part of the solution !!!

On 6/2/2019 at 8:14 AM, rxdbx said:

I told her I'm safe, sent her a message

You should've done that right at the start. How long were you gone before you sent that message?

On 6/2/2019 at 8:20 AM, rxdbx said:

It feels as if I'm doing something wrong, because at times he is loving, but when he gets mad I get so terrified, and all the beating because of bad grades.

That's your self-guilt talking. You are letting emotion guide you at the expense of logic. However, remember despite what he does he is still your Father. You need to treat him with respect and dignity, while still being cognizant of how he is as a person. If your life is threatened or you live in fear of physical violence then you need to adjust your relationship accordingly. Still show respect and dignity but maintain your space accordingly.

 

[Akbar673]

On 5/31/2019 at 2:02 PM, rxdbx said:

mum is on the verge of heart attack and fears that my dad killed himself

Your Mother is letting her emotions guide her actions at the expense of her logic.

On 5/31/2019 at 2:02 PM, rxdbx said:

I think I’m going to leave tonight when everyone is asleep

No, don't do that. You'll only be making things worse for your already emotional Mother. You'll drive her over the edge with fear of not knowing where you are or what you're doing. If you want to leave then leave on the proper terms. By letting everyone know where you will be living and what you'll be doing. Do you have that figured out BTW ?

 

 

 

[Akbar673]

On 5/31/2019 at 2:02 PM, rxdbx said:

mum is on the verge of heart attack and fears that my dad killed himself

Your Mother is letting her emotions guide her actions at the expense of her logic.

On 5/31/2019 at 2:02 PM, rxdbx said:

I think I’m going to leave tonight when everyone is asleep

No, don't do that. You'll only be making things worse for your already emotional Mother. You'll drive her over the edge with fear of not knowing where you are or what you're doing. If you want to leave then leave on the proper terms. By letting everyone know where you will be living and what you'll be doing. Do you have that figured out BTW ?

 

 

 

[rxdbx]

58 minutes ago, Akbar673 said:

Go back home.

and this is why everyone told you not to do this...you've only added more problems for your Mother. Not the route to take by any stretch. 

Talk to the Counselors there. They'll provide you with the best advice face to face. 

Stop talking to your Father's side of the family. They are backward jahils that have no idea of what is right and wrong. All they are worried is about your Father's and by extension their Family's public reputations. Did he ever show any regret about what your Mother or you have suffered through?

You're only pissing people off more by your actions. You need to stop this idiotic behavior. All you're doing is creating more enemies. You need to stop and listen to the advice everyone is giving you. If you don't you'll just create more chaos as you are doing currently.

Yes, its extremely wrong. Your choice of taking this step is only making things even worse. You never should have left in the first place if you didn't have things figured in regards to a plan on how things will be for you after you leave home. You let your emotions guide your decisions at the expense of logic. You need to go home and make this right. Not telling you to stay there but you need to not be a greater problem on your Mother and sister at this point. Go home, plan your exit properly and then leave.

Again, not the smartest course of action to take. You've already created enemies by running away from home and then having your Uncle thrown in jail. What you need to do now is go home quietly. Plan where you will live properly, how you will pay for that and how you will live your life. This running away from home in the middle of the night was not the right path to take and you've only done more harm than good because of it. Stop being part of the problem, and start becoming part of the solution !!!

You should've done that right at the start. How long were you gone before you sent that message?

That's your self-guilt talking. You are letting emotion guide you at the expense of logic. However, remember despite what he does he is still your Father. You need to treat him with respect and dignity, while still being cognizant of how he is as a person. If your life is threatened or you live in fear of physical violence then you need to adjust your relationship accordingly. Still show respect and dignity but maintain your space accordingly.

 

My mom thinks I've ran away for fun, yet she still talks to my dads side, if I go home, I'm certain I'll get beat up or even killed.

[rxdbx]

My mom sent me a message saying good thing you've reported everyone, you should have just poisoned me instead.

[Akbar673]

13 minutes ago, rxdbx said:

My mom thinks I've ran away for fun, yet she still talks to my dads side, if I go home, I'm certain I'll get beat up or even killed.

As much as it pains me to say this but, your Mom is as much a part of your problem as your Father is. They are both the product of a backwards, provincial mindset that just doesn't work in today's day and age.

9 minutes ago, rxdbx said:

My mom sent me a message saying good thing you've reported everyone, you should have just poisoned me instead.

See above...you need to walk on your own path based on what you feel is best for you. You're not a child anymore, but an adult and sadly you have some difficult choices right at the start of your adulthood. Pray to Allah to give you the right guidance and to keep you on the best possible path in life. 

In regard to your parents, always remember that it is because of them that you are in this world. Don't ever treat them with anything other than love and respect while being cognizant of what they are like and how they act. Act accordingly in regard to what is best for your personally while giving them the honor and respect that Allah commands you to. He knows them and you better than you know yourselves so always have faith in him and pray for him to guide you to the best possible outcome.

[aaaz1618]

4 hours ago, rxdbx said:

My mom sent me a message saying good thing you've reported everyone, you should have just poisoned me instead.

With all due respect, this is cultural melodrama that wouldn't come out of another person's mouth from a different culture in this situation. Remember, each day your family lives is a blessing, and what has happened is not a curse upon them or some great dishonour. Try not let such words get to you, your respected mum is hurting and in a lost state, approach her in your manners with gentleness and pray that she sees that she does not deserve the abuse.

[Laayla]

@rxdbx

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum.

Will you be on your own during 3id?  Do you have a center or a masjid to go to?

Thank you for contacting your mother and not letting her worry about you.

I hope you are able to think through what you are doing and make good choices.

So far your actions show you are clearly lost.  I wish you confided into a family member you trust and has words of wisdom to guide you.

Please be careful of your safety out in the women's shelter.

Don't do anything haram or get into something you will regret.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

[rkazmi33]

It looks like some members are clearly upset at the OP for calling police on her father but they don't want to go against the majority opinion, so they waited and they created an issue about her leaving her house. She was feeling unsafe and most of initial posts suggested she should leave. Still she made a small mistake of not telling her mother and victim blaming started. I am sad at all the harsh words used by members. The sister only wanted to save her mother and she is already getting punished by so many people in her family. If members here don't like her (for whatever reason), please hold your judgements. I don't feel any concern for her mother. Her mother is already suicidal if she cares so much about her abusive husband. OP did enough to save her mother, since her mother doesn't want to be saved, OP should only be concerned about her own safety. 

@Akbar673 you suggested that she should get financial independence before leaving her house. Do you realize it's not so easy to get financial independence, it may take months and years especially since OP is young and fighting so many battles. Are you trying to tell OP the same thing desi culture tells the abuse victims? That unless they gain financial independence, they have no right to protest or complain about abuse? She did one courageous act to save her mother, so now it has become her responsibility to provide financial means to her mother and family? Her mother, all the adults in her family and community, they all have no responsibility? This thread has become a clear example of victim blaming and how you get punished for a good deed. And members here are being very sneaky, I still don't understend the over reaction on her leaving her house. Really, creating an issue out of nothing, at least be honest and say in clear words that you are upset at her for calling police on her abusive father. 

[Laayla]

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum.

@rxdbx   You can take or leave whatever posts you have read.   Your choices are yours alone but understand their are consequences in life.  

The easiest thing to do is leave the house.  What your plans after leaving is when you face the harsh world and reality.  

Ask yourself, What now?

Words are cheap, anyone can say anything.  But your actions have a lot of weight!  Continue doing your wajabat.  Stay away from evil friends, they should not replace your parents.

Intercede to AhulBayt, ask Allah for guidance, stay away from haram.

You are in a fragile situation, everything you do here on out will be shaping your life.  Be careful and think smart.  No time to do stupid mistakes, since you are on your own.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

 

[rxdbx]

I'm still at the women's shelter, and my mom texted me asking why did you report your uncles, they didn't do anything. And my cousin from my moms side found out, and she messaged me saying go back home please your sister and mom are crying, and that every parent gets mad at their child, but that doesn't mean you should report them. And that my mom would do anything for me and all that. And that I'll get sins for my parents tears. I swear I want to kill myself right now. I know my dad loves me, but not enough to obviously change, also I don't really feel happy, comfortable or safe living in a household where I fear dad getting mad bc he'll beat mom or me up, or where I get an anxiety attack each time he gets mad. I really don't know what to do. When I called the police that night, I called them with the actual fear of him killing my mom, not even to just be safe, but with. the actual thought that he was about to kill my mom. All his threats and swearing on the Qur'an and on God, that he'll send me to Pakistan and forcefully marry me to an old guy that's going to beat me up all day, and the threats to killing me, do effect my life, bc I actually believe he's capable of doing it. On top of that, the things he say to me such as you're a shame to me, you're worthless, ugly, fat and whatever, commenting on my acne, my shyness and telling me that I'll have to sell my body to get food on the table in the future, and spitting on my face, and holding a knife in front of me about to stab me if mom didn't stop him, because I get bad grades, doesn't really help my anxiety around him. I understand my sister wants him home and all, and not that it's less serious but he's just beat my sister up twice her life, but me 7 times just since 2015. Also my mom is 37 and dad is 39 turning 40 to everyone asking.

Edited June 4, 2019 by rxdbx

[Laayla]

You don't have any other family in Norway to stay with?

Have you looked for a job?

Do you know of a center or masjid where you can talk to a 3lim and explain your situation to get advice or allow him to mediate between you and your parents?

What are you seeking or what do you want from all this taking place?

These are some questions you need to think and ask yourself.  I'm not asking so you can respond here, I want you to know yourself how you are planning your next move.

You are in a vulnerable position, do you think there is anyone in this world who cares for your livelihood like your parents?

I hope you are aware of your surroundings and not be influenced of people like Rahaf Alqunun.   

Be safe.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

[rxdbx]

 

Just now, Laayla said:

You don't have any other family in Norway to stay with?

Have you looked for a job?

Do you know of a center or masjid where you can talk to a 3lim and explain your situation to get advice or allow him to mediate between you and your parents?

What are you seeking or what do you want from all this taking place?

These are some questions you need to think and ask yourself.  I'm not asking so you can respond here, I want you to know yourself how you are planning your next move.

You are in a vulnerable position, do you think there is anyone in this world who cares for your livelihood like your parents?

I hope you are aware of your surroundings and not be influenced of people like Rahaf Alqunun.   

Be safe.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

All my family in Norway, are from my dads side.

I am currently looking for a job, and the women's shelter is helping.

I want for my mom and sister to be safe and myself as well.

I want a life where I don't fear my dads anger, or fear that he kills me or marries me off if I get bad grades or make him angry. 

I was completely fine with the social rules they had for me, where I could go and when I had to return home and etc. Although they were strict I was okay. It wasn't that that I wanted to escape.

I wanted to escape getting beat up, and getting anxiety attacks in my house because of dad starting to curse and speak loudly, I want to get better mentally so that if I ever am to have kids, I never do this to them, and also so that I don't kill myself.

[rxdbx]

Also my grandmother mentioned this winter when I got beat up, that they should just marry me off to my cousin or something. So the whole family has a similar thinking. My dad has also said when he was mad that it's better if I were to get hit by a train, bc at least they'll just mourn for a week or so, instead of when I'm alive they're mourning my whole life. And that I've just brought sorrow from the day I was born, saying that my sister does nothing, and it's just me that brings them trouble and sorrow. And the day I was getting beat up mom said that if she were to kill herself, her death would be on my hands, and that other kids bring their parents joy, but I just bring sorrow. I literally either want to kill myself or just ignore everyone right now. I feel like I'm the reason every problem happens in my house.

Edited June 4, 2019 by rxdbx

[Laayla]

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum Sister

I don't know what type of people you are surrounding yourself with, but please don't accept medication from anyone.

It doesn't hurt to talk to your grandmother and explain to her what you are going through.  You shouldn't be afraid of her.

She is only listening to the side of your parents.  If you have any type of relationship with her, you could have her on your side and she can explain to your parents to be gentle towards you.

But there is more to the story that you are not sharing.  We only have based on the information you are giving us.

Something is wrong, when a person your age has done a bold move like this, and then when you say "the whole famly has a similiar thinking" well sister that is a lot of people, it's you-one person vs  X amount of people who are saying something else.

Looks like you are going to have to learn the hard way.

God help you during this difficult time.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

[Gaius I. Caesar]

1 minute ago, Laayla said:

I don't know what type of people you are surrounding yourself with, but please don't accept medication from anyone.

With all due respect, you are no position to be telling her this. ^ 

[Laayla]

Why not?  Why do you want her to be medicated?

[rxdbx]

5 minutes ago, Laayla said:

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum Sister

I don't know what type of people you are surrounding yourself with, but please don't accept medication from anyone.

It doesn't hurt to talk to your grandmother and explain to her what you are going through.  You shouldn't be afraid of her.

She is only listening to the side of your parents.  If you have any type of relationship with her, you could have her on your side and she can explain to your parents to be gentle towards you.

But there is more to the story that you are not sharing.  We only have based on the information you are giving us.

Something is wrong, when a person your age has done a bold move like this, and then when you say "the whole famly has a similiar thinking" well sister that is a lot of people, it's you-one person vs  X amount of people who are saying something else.

Looks like you are going to have to learn the hard way.

God help you during this difficult time.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

I'm not using any medication, and no one surrounding me is giving me any medication.

She used to be beat up by her own husband before he left them, and she never told anyone about it. She admits what her son does is wrong, but says that "what can I do, you just gotta have patience with him".

[Laayla]

If that is the case, why would she say to your parents to marry you off?  

Alhamd'Allah sister you are not taking anything, and continue not to take anything from anyone.

Edited June 4, 2019 by Laayla

[Guest Peace]

Sister, reading this thread has been one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever read on this website. It moved me personally to tears. Before I carry on, the most important thing here is for you to follow the right legal channels to report abuse, which you have done , but before that, if you are feeling suicidal, to get in touch with any support networks in your country , and perhaps maybe even a family doctor / GP. You need to safeguard yourself first and foremost. 

Having said that, don't take a word your mother has to say to heart. I'm sorry to say this, and it breaks my heart, but your mother has not been a good mother, and maybe that is because of her own weakness. She has allowed you to undergo what is child-abuse, to be mentally scarred, and now at such a crippling moment, she decides to throw further abuse and insults at you. It might just be that she saw her own mother suffer like this, and given she has been abused by your father, abuse is normal for her. She knows no other reality than to be humiliated and watch her kids humiliated.

Believe me, having a father like that, and a mother like that, and utterly horrific actions and words thrown at you does not define you - it says more about them, and I am sorry to say this because they are your parents. I am actually surprised how dignified you have been, and the way you have been typing, I'm not just saying this but it shows you have remarkable strength and courage, because many would have gone completely overboard. 

This will be a long process of healing and recovery. You will need to reach out to people who can help, doctors, therapists, a network of trustworthy friends, and above all, Allah. You need to rebuild your life, and make damn sure as you have said, when you have kids, it will be an oasis of love, compassion, understanding, and you will give them the kind of life you did not have.

I'm sorry to say, but you are stronger than your mother, and your fathers mother. They accepted humiliation and abuse, but you did the courageous thing to stand up for yourself, fight back against abuse, and that just shows who you are inside.

Never give up on Allah, never give up on having hope, and make sure whatever steps you take next, you look out for your safety. I am glad the police are involved, but make absolutely sure you look out for your safety. 

I am praying for you, I hope you find peace one day. 

[rxdbx]

18 minutes ago, Laayla said:

If that is the case, why would she say to your parents to marry you off?  

Alhamd'Allah sister you are not taking anything, and continue not to take anything from anyone.

When the episode happened where my dad beat me up this winter bc of my grades, he started talking about everything, suspecting me of having a boyfriend, checking my phone going through my gallery, and when he only found Islamic related pictures, he said that if I care so much about my religion why don't I study. Previously an incident happened, where a boy and a hijabi girl that wore similar style clothes to me stood outside in front of my balcony, and coincidentally the boy put something in her backpack. The same day, my friend (she's a girl) put something, in my backpack on the other side of our apartment complex. When I got home he asked me who the person was and I said the name of the friend I was with, and he said don't lie that was a boy, after  me telling him a few times that it wasn't me, he said that he trusted me and it was okay he believed in me. Later he told my mom the story and said if I ever catch her with a boy I'll kill both of them. He constantly accuses me for things I haven't done. 

I swear I went to the movies once with my friend in February of the year 2018, and when he was mad he was telling my aunt and grandma, he said she constantly is out going to the movies and doing all of these things. She then got mad at my mom saying why do you let her go to the movies and everything. Telling me you're a *name of ethnic group we're from* girl, and you're Shia girl, you can't do this and that. So no matter what happens, she'll side with my dad, even though she accepts what he does is wrong. And saying it would be better if they married me off to my cousin.

Edited June 4, 2019 by rxdbx

[rxdbx]

I sent my mom this message: Mom I swear I won't live in a house where I am afraid my father will kill me, or where I panic every time he gets angry, no one sees the problem here, and he has had 18 years to fix his anger problem. I didn't run away for fun, I planned to be back home on Sunday, but after they came after me I got scared. I'm sorry for not saying anything before I left, but I wouldn't be allowed to leave then. When I called police on Thursday, I was 100% sure he was going to kill you. I didn't call them for fun. I also don't want to pretend that everything is ok when I want to kill myself because of everything that dad does, no one cares, one day he spits on my face and says that I am worthless and I bring shame upon him , and that it had been better if I was dead and another day he kissed my feet and accepts that what he has done was wrong, but still 4-5 months later he does the same thing again. My little sister can commit the biggest crime in the whole world, and he pretends that nothing in the world has happened, her whole life she's been beat up twice, but when I get a warning letter from school he beats me up, I have almost been killed more than 5 times in only 4 years. Although I love him, I will not live around a person whom I sometimes have more fear of than the fear I have for God. In addition, I just tried to save your life, but everyone said I have destroyed your (mom and dads) life. You guys may not want to live, but I do. I am in a safe place right now, and I have not lied or anything to the police, or lied about them committing crimes they haven't. I just told them the truth.

: I love you even though you may hate me now, but I don't want to constantly fear dying around him

To which she replied with you should have just killed me, and you've made my life a hell, and, that I did everything for you, bought everything you pointed at, and this is how you repay me and this is your thankfulness to me. and why did you report your uncles, they didn't do anything, the police is at our door making life hell for me. 

And I replied: I called the police bc I was scared something was going to happen to you

She replied: I've raised you for this day, so that you could do this to me, and nobody cares about me, even my own daughter did this to me.

 

 

I'm starting to lose hope in everything right now, and I feel like I've ruined everyones lives

[2Timeless]

1 hour ago, rxdbx said:

'm starting to lose hope in everything right now, and I feel like I've ruined everyones lives

A mother's job is to protect her children from harm. Even if that means harm from their own father. Only God knows why your mother did not protect you adequately, I wont speculate. You should never have been in a position to call the police. You should never fear for your life from your own father. Your father is meant to protect you from abusive men, not become one himself. I haven't read all your posts on this thread, but it sounds like the blame has been put on you for no reason. You should be protected by your mother, you should never be put in a position to protect her instead. Im so sorry you're going through this. You should speak to a professional because if you let these thought eat away at you things will get even worse. May I ask which country you live in? If you can't share that, that's fine. Just google free counselling services online. There's quite a few anonymous and free services available online. I strongly recommend it. Although the counselling may not necessarily solve your problems, it could help having a supportive and understanding individual you can talk to. If you can't find any sites you can ask a member on here to find one for you. 

If you ever need to talk to anyone, I'm here, you can always PM me

[Islandsandmirrors]

Why are some people victim-blaming? 

This person is in clear danger and must be kept away. She’s endured so much, more than anyone would ever understand, and here some of you think you know all the answers. I hate to break it to you, but unless you’re a doctor, or a counselor, or an activist, none of you are in any position to tell her to go back home or to not take medication (if they are necessary, which I don’t think they are in this case.). Women’s shelters exist for a reason, and here is a perfectly good reason to leave. 

People like the OP’s family should have never been mothers, fathers, and should have learned a few things about being good people. They both should be ashamed of themselves. This is not culture, this is an individual problem, a major problem of perpetuating abuse, and victim-blaming. 

OP: Never doubt for a second that you did the right thing. Continue to keep in touch with authorities and from counselors, advisers from the women’s shelter. Get a restraining order in case your father hunts you down. A man like that deserves to be put in jail. He’s a danger to his family, himself, and to the greater society. 

And don’t care about the guilt-trips and manipulate tactics from your mother. She chose her life, she chose her side. She chose your father. She has failed to nurture and to protect you from harm. From now, just block out whatever she says and don’t take her threats seriously. You need to keep yourself safe. You need to heal. Heal and re-build your life, by Allah’s help. Allah has provided you with the resources you need to get through this. Stay strong. 

[Gaius I. Caesar]

3 hours ago, Laayla said:

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum Sister

I don't know what type of people you are surrounding yourself with, but please don't accept medication from anyone.

It doesn't hurt to talk to your grandmother and explain to her what you are going through.  You shouldn't be afraid of her.

She is only listening to the side of your parents.  If you have any type of relationship with her, you could have her on your side and she can explain to your parents to be gentle towards you.

But there is more to the story that you are not sharing.  We only have based on the information you are giving us.

Something is wrong, when a person your age has done a bold move like this, and then when you say "the whole famly has a similiar thinking" well sister that is a lot of people, it's you-one person vs  X amount of people who are saying something else.

Looks like you are going to have to learn the hard way.

God help you during this difficult time.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

The reason why I told you that you're no position to be accusatory and tell her to stop medicine or "learn the hard way"(Whatever you meant by that) , is because she's clearly in a toxic, cultural situation that has nothing to do with Islam. 

[313_Waiter]

7 hours ago, Laayla said:

If that is the case, why would she say to your parents to marry you off?  

Alhamd'Allah sister you are not taking anything, and continue not to take anything from anyone.

 

8 hours ago, Laayla said:

But there is more to the story that you are not sharing.  We only have based on the informatIon you are giving us.

Salaam Sister,

With due respect, I think it is wrong for you to accuse her or speculate like this, especially when she is going through one of the toughest moments of her life. Desi culture can be very backwards when trying to protect “honour” or in dogmatic support for the male head of household.  

[rxdbx]

Salam,

my cousin and uncle in Pakistan found out about this.

Tonight my mom messaged me and said "go and tell the police to release your dad, this life has already been made to hell, I'm all alone now and that death would be better Than this, if you're not going to do this then pray to God that he takes my life, for death would be better than this, or go and ask them to release your dad".

My uncle messaged and said "why are you doing this, please go and tell the police to release your dad, the monthly pay for the house is here, and if they don't pay they'll lose the house"

And my cousin messaged me "your mom is completely done and God forbid in a couple of days if she dies, then you know you're guilty of her death, and none of us will ever forgive you for it, if you don't care about your parents being around you or you around them, then at least tell them to release your dad, because your mom and little sister have been alone for days, have some mercy for your mothers life. On the God you worship, please read this message"

I feel so guilty about everything now, and scared on top of that. I don't know what to do.

My dad is in jail right now, so that he doesn't ruin any evidence, change the story or disturb the investigation, and I simply cannot ask the prison to release him, and I don't want to honestly. I feel like I'm in the wrong, because my whole family is against me. I hate to be selfish, but I wish anyone reacted this way when he beat me up, or held a knife in front of me.

Please give me advice in this tough situation, what should I do?

Edited June 5, 2019 by rxdbx

[Gaius I. Caesar]

1 hour ago, rxdbx said:

Please give me advice in this tough situation, what should I do?

I'm about to give you some controversial advice. 

1 hour ago, rxdbx said:

My uncle messaged and said "why are you doing this, please go and tell the police to release your dad, the monthly pay for the house is here, and if they don't pay they'll lose the house"

1) Do not under any circumstance allow yourself to feel ashamed, secondly this is where getting a job can help you and your mother. When you get a job, you can send the money to pay for the house. This will hopefully show your mother that you do care about her and did not leave out of spite but for your own safety. If for whatever reason, this doesn't work out. Do not despair, just keep working and go to school. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

1 hour ago, rxdbx said:

And my cousin messaged me "your mom is completely done and God forbid in a couple of days if she dies, then you know you're guilty of her death, and none of us will ever forgive you for it, if you don't care about your parents being around you or you around them, then at least tell them to release your dad, because your mom and little sister have been alone for days, have some mercy for your mothers life. On the God you worship, please read this message"

2) Your cousin has no rights over you in Islam, I've looked in Risalat al-Huquq and nothing on cousins, so I would not be too terribly bothered by his/her words. Your mother and father have failed you as parents, when they should have remembered and obeyed this:

Quote

24. حق الولد

وَأمَّا حَقُّ وَلَدِكَ فَان تَعْلَمَ أنَّهُ مِنْكَ وَمُضَافٌ إلَيكَ فِي عَاجِلِ الدُنْيَا بخَيْرِهِ وَشَرِّهِ، وَأَنَّكَ مَسْئولٌ عَمَّا ولِّيتَهُ بِهِ مِنْ حُسْنِ الأَدَب وَالدّلالَةِ عَلَى رَبهِ وَالْمَعُونةِ لَهُ عَلَى طَاعَتِهِ فَاعْمَلْ فِي أَمْرِهِ عَمَلَ من يعلم أنه مثاب على الإحسان إليه مُعاقِب على الإساءةِ إليه.

The right of your child is that you should know that he is from you and will be ascribed to you, through both his good and his evil, in the immediate affairs of this world. You are responsible for what has been entrusted to you, such as educating him in good conduct (husn al-adab), pointing him in the direction of his Lord, and helping him to obey Him. So act toward him with the action of one who knows that he will be rewarded for good doing toward him and punished for evildoing.

^ Not to be a personal slave, not to be abused or be blamed for any deaths. You know what you have seen your father do and he is right where he should belong. His behavior was truly atrocious and un-Islamic. Your cousin is hearing one side of the story that is very skewed, nothing about this family situation is allowed in Islam. It's just culture masquerading as Islam.  So on the God your cousin worships, he/she should say nothing at all: “It is falsehood when you say, ‘I have heard so and so,’ while it is the truth when you say, ‘I have seen it’ (I.e., with one’s own eyes).” (Nahjul Balagha, sermon 140)  While you're at the shelter, you should probably seek a different masjid for extra help as well. 

@rxdbx Also keep in mind what sister Islands has said, you must heal first and foremost and never ever doubt yourself. Even if appears that everybody is against you. There's a lot of wisdom in what she above, sister.

Edited June 5, 2019 by Gaius I. Caesar

[starlight]

1 hour ago, rxdbx said:

she dies, then you know you're guilty of her death, and none of us will ever forgive you for 

Your dad is the one they should have been saying all these things to,years ago!! He is the one responsible for the family falling apart plus the rest of the people who stood by watching and did not try to stop him.  

Please don't let them make you feel guilty. I know this is an extremely difficult time for you buy please stay strong.

[Ashvazdanghe]

 

 Norway's Muslim immigrants attend classes on Western attitude to women

 

[Mohammed-Mehdi]

@rxdbx Stay strong. Your situation will get better Insha'Allah. Wish you and your family the best.

[rxdbx]

I fear that if something really happens, will her death be on my hands. And will I have to answer for it in the hereafter. After all this world is just temporary, but the next isn't.

[starlight]

58 minutes ago, rxdbx said:

I fear that if something really happens, will her death be on my hands.

InshaAllah nothing will happen to her and you won't be responsible for anyone's death. It's a religious obligation on you to save yourself from zulm. 

[Akbar673]

On 6/4/2019 at 9:40 AM, rkazmi33 said:

you suggested that she should get financial independence before leaving her house.

I was speaking from a practical approach. I completely realize the situation she is suffering through at home. However, just picking up and leaving home with no plan or assistance will only compound her problem. I'm not telling her to get a job, I was telling her to have a plan. That plan can be reaching out to a charity organization that would assist her in getting onto her feet. Also, seeing as how she has continually posted about poor grades her career options would be further limited. To pick and just walk out without a plan doesn't improve the situation, it just causes the problem to change from one to the other. 

On 6/4/2019 at 9:40 AM, rkazmi33 said:

Do you realize it's not so easy to get financial independence, it may take months and years especially since OP is young and fighting so many battles.

I never said its easy. See above, about what I said about finding a viable solution. It doesn't have to be a job, it can be any other means of gaining financial assistance. 

On 6/4/2019 at 9:40 AM, rkazmi33 said:

Are you trying to tell OP the same thing desi culture tells the abuse victims? That unless they gain financial independence, they have no right to protest or complain about abuse?

No, that is not what I am saying at all. I told her to leave the toxic enviornment that she was living in. However, I also told her to not just pick and run out in the middle of the night like she did. She didn't solve her problems, she added to them by doing that. Not only did she leave the home with only the money in her pocket but she also added additional panic to her already emotionally fragile Mother. All she had to do was find a charity org that would be more than willing to help her out, and inform her Mother that she did not want to live at home anymore, while giving her the address and contact info of where she would be. 

On 6/4/2019 at 9:40 AM, rkazmi33 said:

She did one courageous act to save her mother, so now it has become her responsibility to provide financial means to her mother and family?

At what point did I say she had to provide financial means to her Mother and Sister? I've always said from the start that she needs money to survive on her own. I never said anything about giving money to anyone else.

On 6/4/2019 at 9:40 AM, rkazmi33 said:

This thread has become a clear example of victim blaming and how you get punished for a good deed.

No one is vicitm blaming. Everyone here is speaking on having a valid plan to leave the house, instead of just running away in the middle of the night. Who's telling her to stay in a toxic situation? I'm certainly not saying that.

On 6/4/2019 at 9:40 AM, rkazmi33 said:

members here are being very sneaky

That's your interpretation. Not necessarily the actual truth.

On 6/4/2019 at 9:40 AM, rkazmi33 said:

Really, creating an issue out of nothing, at least be honest and say in clear words that you are upset at her for calling police on her abusive father. 

Creating an issue out of nothing? Who here is not supporting her in the steps she took?

What thread are you reading exactly? I just skimmed through this entire thread and no one here has attacked her for taking the steps she did. In fact, everyone is being supportive of her leaving and actively offering her advice on what will be best for her.

[rxdbx]

44 minutes ago, Akbar673 said:

I was speaking from a practical approach. I completely realize the situation she is suffering through at home. However, just picking up and leaving home with no plan or assistance will only compound her problem. I'm not telling her to get a job, I was telling her to have a plan. That plan can be reaching out to a charity organization that would assist her in getting onto her feet. Also, seeing as how she has continually posted about poor grades her career options would be further limited. To pick and just walk out without a plan doesn't improve the situation, it just causes the problem to change from one to the other. 

I never said its easy. See above, about what I said about finding a viable solution. It doesn't have to be a job, it can be any other means of gaining financial assistance. 

No, that is not what I am saying at all. I told her to leave the toxic enviornment that she was living in. However, I also told her to not just pick and run out in the middle of the night like she did. She didn't solve her problems, she added to them by doing that. Not only did she leave the home with only the money in her pocket but she also added additional panic to her already emotionally fragile Mother. All she had to do was find a charity org that would be more than willing to help her out, and inform her Mother that she did not want to live at home anymore, while giving her the address and contact info of where she would be. 

At what point did I say she had to provide financial means to her Mother and Sister? I've always said from the start that she needs money to survive on her own. I never said anything about giving money to anyone else.

No one is vicitm blaming. Everyone here is speaking on having a valid plan to leave the house, instead of just running away in the middle of the night. Who's telling her to stay in a toxic situation? I'm certainly not saying that.

That's your interpretation. Not necessarily the actual truth.

Creating an issue out of nothing? Who here is not supporting her in the steps she took?

What thread are you reading exactly? I just skimmed through this entire thread and no one here has attacked her for taking the steps she did. In fact, everyone is being supportive of her leaving and actively offering her advice on what will be best for her.

I did contact a women's shelter, and I'm currently staying there, they're helping with getting a job and with food since I don't have anything. However it is not allowed to tell the address to anyone, and you can get punished for it.