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In the Name of God بسم الله
Justme123

Help/advice needed please

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Salams brother and sister! Before beginning, I just want to wish everyone a Ramadan Mubarak and inshallah all your Duas and amaal gets answered and accepted in the spiritual nights of laylatul qadr. 

If you have read my last post, I was engaged to someone who had completely made me feel as thought I was not worthy enough, who always complained that I needed to change, had put myself esteem down completely. Humdlilah, when my mind had finally opened up and I had enough I left him. Although I felt a relief in some sort of way, I feel like the scares were/ are still there. I still feel unworthy, unwanted and completely unloved by everyone around me. During the last 3 months of my engagement, my actions and behavior changed completely, I had more patience, I was not as opinionated, and was not angry. Now I feel like no one is understanding where I’m comming from and everyone is taking me the wrong way, I try to voice myself now, and because it’s an unusual thing from myself, people tend to get defensive with me which could and sometimes does lead to a misunderstanding or argument. 

The other problem was, a few weeks after I broke it off, We had found out my father was diagnosed with cancer, and all these problems started happening within my family which took my mind off the break up. After a little over a month, my dad had a cardiac arrest, but Humdliah survived. 

 

All these problems came in one big hit, and I felt as though my close “friends” were not as supportive, everyone was moving away from me because obviously everything that was going on effected my happy mood and I was just constantly stressed, and upset. It’s like they got sick of me in a way. 

Now that Humdlilah my dad has gotten better, I’m also getting better in life Humdlilah. Although, I go through times we’re I feel like I’m not okay, that I’m not worthy etc, I feel like I’m just angry at everyone and annoyed from everyone and that life is just tiring. I don’t know if it’s because I haven’t really allowed myself to heal from everything, that I try to avoid the hardships that I had faced. Or if it’s because I feel like no one really cared or took into consideration what I was going through, I didn’t get the proper support that I would do for them.  it seems that I’m still that opinionated, aggressive, angry person and I’m so sick of myself being like this, I miss my old self, when I had this relief and happiness constantly. 

 

Is is there any advice that may help me? Has anyone gone through this? I feel like I’m going to stay like this forever :/

 

sorry the the story is jumbled up, but I honestly don’t know how I can explain it in another way. 

 

Wasalan. 

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I had forgotten to add also, that I feel that Allah doesn’t love me, not because of the test and trials as I have been through other tests but still felt that happiness towards Allah, that He was happy with me but now for some reason it’s just in my head and heart that He doesn’t. 

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This was a test from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Everyone gets tested in different ways. It does not mean Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) does not love you. While you were going through these trials, I was going through a trial in my own life. The company I work for got bought out by a larger company (this often happens in the US especially lately). Although I was hired by the new company that bought the company I was working for, there was a big catch. I was tasked with moving the entire IT Infrastructure (web servers, file servers, etc) from the old company to the new company, by myself. I know you probably don't work in IT, but to transfer an entire infrastructure developed over more than 20 years to a new environment is an extremely challenging task. In fact, the other two guys who worked with me opted to not go to the new company, because they didn't think it was possible to do this without major issues which would shut down the company and destroy their reputation. They left the next day, so thus I was alone in this effort. Did I mention this process started on the first day of Shahr Ramadan, so I was fasting the entire time. Where I live, in Michigan, United States, the fasting time is approx 17 hours. Also, there are no other Muslims in the company where I work, so I was doing the task alone, and also the only one in the office who was fasting. I finished the task successfully yesterday, Alhamduillah. I spent many nights in Dua, praying to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) that everything would work out ok. It did, but I almost collapsed from exhaustion a few times. 

So this didn't diminish my faith in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), it actually increased it, because I knew that there were so many potential problems that if even on of the serious ones happened, I wouldn't have been able to complete my task, and thus would have been without a job, and probably my reputation would have taken a significant blow. It was only with the help of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) that I was able to do this. 

So the point is that as you are going through trials, others are also going through trials, they may be different than yours, but no less challenging. Don't let those trials diminish your faith in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) but rather ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to help you, and when something goes right, thank Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for that, and when something goes wrong, ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to help you and give you Sabr(patience). Salam. 

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Humdlilah you have gotten everything done! And inshallah Allah continues to bless you and your business. 

Humdlilah for every test that I have received in life. But I feel like this is way different to others, inshallah I continue to keep my hope towards Allah and he guides us all to His light. Although, I feel lost with my patience especially and finding it hard to get back to my old self. But kheir inshallah, keep me in your Duas inshallah 

wasalam 

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Your new self is growth. Trust me. You became who you are now to deal with the things and people around you. It's fine. But at the same time you're stressed, I'm sure, from all the events that happened. So what's happening is your new self is calling the shots and you're uncomfortable. Which makes sense because you used to be "nicer" and weren't prone to rocking the boat. Rocking the boat is not the most peaceful of actions. And from those actions, there are uncomfortable consequences.

What you need is space. You need an environment where you feel safe and relaxed with no stressful situations. Now's the time to just do you. To forget about others' needs and just think about your own. Once you do that, you will heal in shaa Allah and be able to go back to how things were. Not 100% though, because you'll need to learn how to balance your new self with your old self. Remember that your new self is the you that you need to be sometimes to deal with some situations and it'll just come out as a defense mechanism.

Patience and holding back a little will help you find the right amount of "new you" to come out in what situation. 

Take care of yourself some more. And surround yourself with good people. It's better to be alone than to be around people who only cause you grief. And patience will help you deal with these people till you find your space.

And regarding feeling worthy, you haven't been around people who accept you. When you're around these people, you'll get your confidence back. Understand though that a relationship is a team effort. You can't be the only one trying to keep a relationship together and not everything is your fault. Try to see where it was your fault and where it was their's.

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