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In the Name of God بسم الله
Guest101

I need some advice on a serious matter.

Hameedeh

[MOD NOTE: WARNING! This topic discusses rape and incest. Due to the mature subject matter, discretion is advised.]

Message added by Hameedeh

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Salam sister,

I read your post and it broke my heart. I just wanted to say that don’t ever think that you are evil or impure or less than anyone because of this terrible event that happened to you. It is only those with strong faith and strong character that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) chooses to test with these difficult tests. In the end, you as a creation of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) are defined not by what happens to you, but by how you choose to react to what has happened to you.

As to whether you should speak up about this or not, this is probably something you need to think about and ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to help you make the right decision. If you believe that this is an ongoing issue with your brother and he may be doing this to other young girls, then for sure I would speak up about it and this is your duty so that other girls will not have to go through what you are going through. If u believe this was an isolated incident and he never repeated this with you or anyone else, to the best of your knowledge, then it is your choice whether you want to tell or not. Like I said above I would think about it and ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to guide you in making the right decision. 

It is a clear fact, from hadith, that anyone who had thulm(oppression) done to them has a right to speak about it publically and confront their oppressor publically because it is this right that will save others by discouraging people who are thinking about doing injustice from actually doing it, because they will fear their acts being exposed. How to exercise this right within the context of a family situation is a little more complex, but the right is still there regardless and noone would be held blameworthy before Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for exercising that right. This applies to your situation because definitely, without a doubt you were the victim of oppression.

It would be a big tragedy if u let this incident shape your life in a negative way and let this event deprive you of a happy marriage and family life in the future. InShahAllah you will able to make the right decision then, hopefully someday soon, put this in the rearview mirror and move on to live a happy and productive family life. 

I also wanted to say that any potential husband who would hold this against you is not worthy to be married to you. 

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I tried to PM you this but I am unable to send messages as my account is relatively new.

First and foremost, I'd like to apologize. I am sorry that you had to go through something like this. No one deserves this kind of sexual abuse, especially a child who doesn't know better. You should know, and I can't stress this enough, that this is NOT your fault in ANY way. You did not say or do anything that could have led him to do this to you, and if for a second you believe that you had even a 0.05% hand in what he did to you, then let me tell you very confidently that you do. No blame of any kind will ever be imparted on you, even if you feel your silence led to its occurrence. 

Now, I'd like to advise you to seek psychological or psychiatric treatment if you aren't already. I know in our society this is not taken very seriously, but sexual abuse of any kind is very damaging to our psyche and causes lifelong emotional upset. I speak from experience as I too was sexually abused at a young age, and it has damaged my psychological well-being. I seek counselling on an interim basis (when things go bad) though I feel I have a better grasp of it now. I also didn't tell my parents because I was ashamed and thought I had something to do with it, but my therapist made me realize that I was blaming myself for something that was effectively beyond my control. You need to realize this too. You also should find a therapist who you feel you can speak freely with, as open, honest conversations are key to gaining useful insight into your life and your psychological well-being. 

You don't have to bring it up to your brother, and neither do you have to feel shame when facing him. He probably remembers what he did, and may or may not feel regret over it and is likely not willing to bring it up either due to the shame. You do not owe anything to him and unless you feel YOU will be better off confronting him, YOU do not need to confront him.

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Salaam Sister, I also wanted to tell you, like the many other users here who have already told you, that you are innocent and not at fault. You were young and didn’t know what was going on. Your having no knowledge of the matter was taken advantage of and you were tricked into it. Please do not be so hard on yourself and treat yourself as impure because you are not impure. You are pure. I pray that things get better for you InshaAllah. 

Edited by AStruggler

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On 5/19/2019 at 11:18 AM, Guest101 said:

I felt embarrassed, ashamed and dirty.

Salam. What happened to you was an injustice and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) knows that you did not deserve what he did to you.

On 5/19/2019 at 11:18 AM, Guest101 said:

My question is, has anyone been through or known anyone who has been through something like this? 

Yes, I know someone who was sexually abused by a cousin when she was 4 years old and she suffered a lot of mental pressure thinking about what happened and wondering if she said or did anything that caused that to happen to her. For months at a time she would block "the event" from her mind but at least once or twice a year she would get anxious if her family traveled to her grandparents house, because her cousin might be there, too. So once again she would remember what happened when she was 4. She did get married and have children, however she was very protective of them and would never leave them alone with anyone who might harm them.

On 5/19/2019 at 11:18 AM, Guest101 said:

I've been finding it really hard to cope recently, I just feel so ashamed around him now. He must know that I still remember but I don't know if he even remembers still...

He most definitely remembers that he hurt you, unless he mentally blocked it from his mind. I hope that you are not still living with him!

On 5/19/2019 at 11:18 AM, Guest101 said:

What should I do?!

How old are you now? 

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I thought it would be nice to share this part of a book here as it contains advice and information from Ayatollah Ibrahim Amini. The information the Ayatollah presents here is the type of information that if followed and applied, such horrific incidents can be prevented inshaAllah. I highly encourage everyone to check it out and especially parents (this whole book is about parenting children and definitely worth checking out!). Some of the ahadith quoted here are really eye-opening. The ahlul bayth have really given us instructions on how to be successful in every corner of life and prevent all kinds of harms from coming our way. 

https://www.al-Islam.org/principles-upbringing-children-ayatullah-ibrahim-amini/chapter-71-gender-problems

 

Edited by AStruggler

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@AStruggler yeah just quoting some hadiths from that book in case peope are lazy to open up the link. It's amazing how our Imams (عليه السلام) knew how this issue will affect our communities and hence they addressed it. 

The Prophet of Islam has said:

“When the child reaches the age of seven years, arrange a separate bed for him."1

Imam as-Sadiq narrates from his ancestors:

“The women and children of ten years must have separate individual beds."2

"If a mother rubs her body against the body of her own daughter, she is doing a sort of molestation."3

“A man should not kiss his six year old daughter, and a woman should not kiss her seven year old son." 4

"For the psychic welfare of the children, we should not expose our bodies to them. Sometimes the children might peep through the crevices in the bathroom door while we are bathing. or changing our clothes. We must ensure that the children don’t develop such habits."

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1 hour ago, Guest101 said:

Can anyone advise on how to see a therapist/go to counselling without anyone finding out? 

They are bound by confidentiality, unless you or someone else is at risk. However, if they send appointment letters you'd need to think of some way of explaining that. Most therapy don't, they'll agree a time and date with you at the session. I don't know where you live and if that is how it is done, but for me it was.

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12 minutes ago, aaaz1618 said:

They are bound by confidentiality, unless you or someone else is at risk. However, if they send appointment letters you'd need to think of some way of explaining that. Most therapy don't, they'll agree a time and date with you at the session. I don't know where you live and if that is how it is done, but for me it was.

But I'm only 17 and I'm not allowed out of the house on my own. 

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1 hour ago, Guest101 said:

But I'm only 17 and I'm not allowed out of the house on my own. 

Isn't there some kind of skype counselling of some sort you can find?

Edit: found an article which features different online counselling sites

https://www.bbc.co.United Kingdom/bbcthree/article/c4c9c3ce-16d0-4c96-979c-5d142713b384

Edited by Propaganda_of_the_Deed

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Guest theObserver

Unfortunately this is actually a very common thing in 90's era

I been working community service helping out people who had serious trauma in their childhood, and there is 4 males I am working with of Turkish now they are married and over 30's but went through similar experience with you, and the worst part it happened at the bottom of the mosque from other adults and children

anyway , they were also told it was a game and they were abused as well, and the worst part is that they got so used to it happening to them they started to do it to other kids as if it was normal practise

they obviously as they got older and realized what was really happening carry extreme guilt about the fact that it happened to them and that they also caused it to other children (while they were kids themselves not in adulthood so people don’t get confused) an their main problem is the guilt , but really there is no way to move forward until people are made to believe that it wasnt their fault, it happened to them while they were not conscious of what they were doing, so the main thing u need to do is to talk to somebody and convince yourself that it is not your fault or it will follow you forever in life and also cause other psychological problems, like self blame, lack of confidence , low self worth, and depression and misery, so you just need to accept that it has happened, you know its wrong you accept that fact when you did, and understand that you did not have any control over it

now the other issues you need to deal with is your brother, do you still see him? has he ever talked to you about it or mentioned it(in the sense of apology and admitting that it wasnt his fault etc)

usually when children practise such things, its actually not some imagination they came up with, because for children such thought don’t exist until they reach puberty and maturity, and even for a 13 year old boy this shouldnt be natural to think off, s chances are your brother was also abused and clearly systematically because in all cases of children that get abused systematicall for a period of time that isnt short, eventually they do it to other children or even more commonly their siblings, so very high chances are is that your brother had already been abused by somebody else before he came to you and probably for a long period time, and might have even done such acts on other children too besides yourself

so you need to address both things, dealing with him and dealing with your own self blame, because that is usually what follows to people who experience such things, they blame themselves

interestingly, all 4 males I dealt with(in their adulthood) the 3 that had siblings, also eventually did the same thing to their siblings, not to the extent of what you experienced, as some had same sex siblings, but close to it

so this is very common practise to children that have siblings that experience abuse

they experience abuse, they get used to it and think its normal, and eventually do it to other children or their or siblings or both

but bottom line u need to accept it wasnt your fault, it happened and there is nothing you can do to change that, it was out of your control, and it can’t affect you unless you let it, its in the past, it was wrong, but not consciously wrong, your not held responsible for it

one thing you also need to look out for and be very careful about it, is that sometimes this reemerges later in life to people who have experienced and they get inclinations towards paedophilia which they can’t understand or know why they are getting it, they might hate it and reject it, but they do get this re-emergance in their life towards it, even practising it upon their own children, so if you get such feelings, immediately seek council to deal with these cravings, because it can get out of control for some people, and this even happened with 2/4 males I was helping out with such issues , they had inclinations towards it but they never acted upon it, and slowly with time we dealt with controlling and eventually removing such feelings and inclinations , and both are alhamdulilah not reporting such feelings again, but you never know it can always come back

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31 minutes ago, Guest theObserver said:

and even for a 13 year old boy this shouldnt be natural to think off, s chances are your brother was also abused and clearly systematically because in all cases of children that get abused systematicall for a period of time that isnt short, eventually they do it to other children or even more commonly their siblings, 

In my case he must've learned about it in sex education at school and I was just his test monkey. 

He did reach puberty by 13 because he was well developed and it's very luck I didn't get pregnant from him because I had my first periods around the same time. Because he definitely did ejaculate.... it while inside. That was the most disgusting part looking back on it. 

(I've mentioned this all in previous responses) 

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6 hours ago, Guest101 said:

Can anyone advise on how to see a therapist/go to counselling without anyone finding out? 

There are many anonymous and free counselling sites. If you're in the United Kingdom, theres  Samaritans, Childline , and Kooth, they're quite well known. For Samaritans you can either call them (completely anonymous and wont show up on your phone bill) or text. 

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5 hours ago, Propaganda_of_the_Deed said:

Isn't there some kind of skype counselling of some sort you can find?

Edit: found an article which features different online counselling sites

https://www.bbc.co.United Kingdom/bbcthree/article/c4c9c3ce-16d0-4c96-979c-5d142713b384

There are online therapies in the United Kingdom that work as a stop gap seeing how waiting lists are so long like Silver Cloud and Big White Wall. They are more anxiety and depression based, I didn't find them relevant because they are quite generalised.

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