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In the Name of God بسم الله
Zellali

Is there a way to read something (like a sentence or a few words) that can help in a toxic father/husband?

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Wish I could give you a big hug. Your father sounds just like my ex husband so I can understand what your Mum must have gone through. 

Should I tell you something honestly? This probably isn't going to end. You should somehow learn to live with it. We all have tests in our lives and this is yours. I know it seems unbearable right now but if you pray to Allah things WILL get easier. The circumstances might not change much but you will be better at accepting them and dealing with them. 

I cannot recommend any specific duas for this but I would suggest you read dua Mukaram ul Ikhlaq. 

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sala alkum sister 

maybe you father is affected by evil eye of your mother or brother or sister o you or any of you maybe Allah allem 

do wudu, with water of wudu of you Wudu wash his head ..may Allah heal him 

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51 minutes ago, starlight said:

Wish I could give you a big hug. Your father sounds just like my ex husband so I can understand what your Mum must have gone through. 

Should I tell you something honestly? This probably isn't going to end. You should somehow learn to live with it. We all have tests in our lives and this is yours. I know it seems unbearable right now but if you pray to Allah things WILL get easier. The circumstances might not change much but you will be better at accepting them and dealing with them. 

I cannot recommend any specific duas for this but I would suggest you read dua Mukaram ul Ikhlaq. 

How did you get through it? How did you end up leaving him? Did you have any kids? What happened to them or how are they now? I have accepted the reality. But I wanted to give it a shot. 

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Guest Think

Duas are always useful, but can anyone recommend the sister some practical advice? She isn't the first or last to have gone through this particular situation, others have gotten through it, and one should not lose hope and should try practical means. Everyone's situation is different. 

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3 hours ago, Zellali said:

I'm 18, I have three younger brothers (13, 10 and 9)

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Keep praying. God is the the best of planners. Keep coming online on Shiachat it might help. Maybe try talking to some people at the mosque.

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Hi Zellali. I understand how you feel. I was raised with a toxic father. He is alcoholic, adultery, sexist, racism and more importantly, he doesn’t fear Allah. He always says that my mother is a witch because she is Asian. He treated her in disrespect way, told to his family that my mother is a bad woman. And you know what’s the big problem, she can’t divorce him. She always make dua, and he always suffer from it. Ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for help, he is the only one who knows how you feel, and he can help you. 

Lastly, I’m so sorry to see how you feel. Inshallah he understand what life is. After all, no one in benifial to him except Allah and his family.  

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God guides whoever He wants. Focus on yourself instead, otherwise you are just losing valuable time.

Your father has an education that is hard to get rid of. Before keeping on, I would only like to point out that, even though your opinion on that woman that seemed careless towards her kid is pretty much valid, it is ALSO valid for the father. A kids' well being, good presence, etc., is not exclusively a woman's responsibility.

As for his behaviour, when we speak of a man who beats his wife, we can automatically leave religion aside. It's a mirage. Arabs and traditionally Muslim cultures love to talk about Islam and love to publically side with traditional Islamic customs, but when we look at facts, we can't care any less. So it's normal that your community reacts like that towards a divorce, but they wouldn't be so picky (and retards) if it affected their closest ones.

Economic dependence is one thing, but if the only thing stopping you guys from divorce is your public image, you aren't living your lives nor being your true selves, and that may turn into psychological problems in the best of cases.

Take much care.

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Guest Nani-Amma

Sorry to hear of your situation. Here are a few things you could do:

1. Do not event think of moving out. At least in your home, under an oppressive man, your body, livelihood, honor, physical health, lodging is covered and protected. The moment you get out, you would be a game for all men out there.

2. If you have to, could you move to any of your maternal or paternal uncle or aunt, say in a different city, on the pretext of studying in a different college? 

3. Try to learn to “see but not watch and hear but not listen”. Learn to ignore things. Learn to not hang on to bad words. Learn to brush off the things that could potentially give heartburns. Learn to not think of the negatives and instead focus on your studies, making a career, keeping up with your health, so once you get out of that house, you are fully prepared to take on the world on your terms, without being in the vulnerable situation. 

Your mom and dad are a couple, let them deal with however they are dealing with each other. You just keep your end of the deal, meaning they are your parents and deserve your respect from you .. ONLY FOR THE SAKE OF Allah. Also remember their is always “ease after hardship”, it’s a promise of Allah in Qur’an and it’s repeated twice as if Allah is consoling the battered souls like yourself. 

3. Yes there are Duas to safeguard yourself from oppression, mental torture, or physical assault. I won’t know how much time would you have, but if you have 7-10 extra minutes after every wajib salat, and I’ll post it here? 

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Magic on him? are you from Africa?

Other than that. I don’t know why many people give advice about patience when they’re not the ones hurting. But I tied your other topic with this one. Makes sense. 

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10 hours ago, Badrino said:

sala alkum sister 

maybe you father is affected by evil eye of your mother or brother or sister o you or any of you maybe Allah allem 

do wudu, with water of wudu of you Wudu wash his head ..may Allah heal him 

He's a religious man, in a stereotypical way. He reads namaz and Qur'an e paak daily. And it would be amazing to see what you mean by evil eye from my mom, since it's so amazing her evil eye is causing him to disrespect her. Amazing. Blame it on some mystical thing while the man does wudu everyday. Not saying I don't believe in evil eye, but there's nothing my dad is better at than my mother for her to look at him and feel anything that would give him evil eye. (Where I live, it's usually because someone is jealous or greedy and look at people with wrong intentions). 

From his sister, we really think it's her. She keeps pushing and pushing saying that her son is some "Pir" (reads verses and rids of evil eye) and that our house is in dire need of it. Before she started saying this everything was fine and then suddenly everything went down hill. That's also one of the reasons why he thinks my mom is doing something to him. Of course, the woman who even after suffering so much, tells her kids to respect and obey their father, who doesn't show to her kids how he treats her, is the wrong one in his eyes. 

 

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9 hours ago, Isaam said:

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Keep praying. God is the the best of planners. Keep coming online on Shiachat it might help. Maybe try talking to some people at the mosque.

Thank you. It means alot. I will keep praying. And shiachat does help. However I'm a female and here females don't go to the mosque. It's just school or the house. It's so dukl

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8 hours ago, Zaid Bin Ali said:

Hi Zellali. I understand how you feel. I was raised with a toxic father. He is alcoholic, adultery, sexist, racism and more importantly, he doesn’t fear Allah. He always says that my mother is a witch because she is Asian. He treated her in disrespect way, told to his family that my mother is a bad woman. And you know what’s the big problem, she can’t divorce him. She always make dua, and he always suffer from it. Ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for help, he is the only one who knows how you feel, and he can help you. 

Lastly, I’m so sorry to see how you feel. Inshallah he understand what life is. After all, no one in benifial to him except Allah and his family.  

I'm so sorry for what happened. If you don't mind me asking, why can't she divorce him? I strongly urge my mother to do so after my youngest is done with his studies. I don't want her to suffer anymore. I don't care if it seems like we're just using my father for financial benefit. It wouldn't be like this it her were a good honest person. 

I honestly wish my father wasn't so religious, so I had something to back me up when I tell my friends or family members of this situation. 

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7 hours ago, Bakir said:

God guides whoever He wants. Focus on yourself instead, otherwise you are just losing valuable time.

Your father has an education that is hard to get rid of. Before keeping on, I would only like to point out that, even though your opinion on that woman that seemed careless towards her kid is pretty much valid, it is ALSO valid for the father. A kids' well being, good presence, etc., is not exclusively a woman's responsibility.

As for his behaviour, when we speak of a man who beats his wife, we can automatically leave religion aside. It's a mirage. Arabs and traditionally Muslim cultures love to talk about Islam and love to publically side with traditional Islamic customs, but when we look at facts, we can't care any less. So it's normal that your community reacts like that towards a divorce, but they wouldn't be so picky (and retards) if it affected their closest ones.

Economic dependence is one thing, but if the only thing stopping you guys from divorce is your public image, you aren't living your lives nor being your true selves, and that may turn into psychological problems in the best of cases.

Take much care.

For my mom it's both, for me it's financial. 

And yes of course I do work on myself. I'm not a perfect Muslim but I try my best. I'm even thinking of starting to wear head covering. (I wear a dupatta sometimes on my head). 

The point of the post was that sometimes we are Allah for help through prayers, but we can also ask for help in other ways. Like you know how some aunties are always reciting something and then they ask for dua. Just like there are duas for marriage, or success, I meant is there something specific like that for my situation. Because I'm not the first nor the last one whose going through this. 

 

And I agree wholly. We love to cut and paste and follow the new way we've created. For me, for years I kept telling myself I feel more confident without a headscarf, but it wasn't confidence, it was more about the insecurity I felt towards the rest of my body and I felt like my hair could cover that. I changed my mind very recently and agree that head covering is difficult but important to a part of our growth. The problem in our culture or countries or societies is no one is ready to learn. Everyone listens to reply, not to understand and learn. 

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6 hours ago, starlight said:

I left him. It wasn't easy but things had gone to a point where I feared I would lose my sanity and I knew I couldn't continue anymore. I have two kids who live with me and while things haven't been easy generally, I feel I am in a far better place mentally and emotionally as compared to when I was living with him. We have our share of problems, rather more lolz but everyday Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) sends lots of blessings and help my way too so we are managing Alhumdollilah. 

Mashallah. I'm so proud of you. I know this might sound a little silly coming from a young person, but honestly I am so proud of you. Its not easy, at first. But like the truth is difficult to say in the beginning, but later it brings peace, getting out of a bad situation is difficult at first, and then it only brings you peace. 

I hope you and your children live happily ever after, and that they all have bright and happy futures. I completely agree about the fact that you could have lost your sanity. And not only yours, your kids would be loosing theirs too. 

Happy to hear your situation,❤️❤️

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2 hours ago, Guest Nani-Amma said:

Sorry to hear of your situation. Here are a few things you could do:

1. Do not event think of moving out. At least in your home, under an oppressive man, your body, livelihood, honor, physical health, lodging is covered and protected. The moment you get out, you would be a game for all men out there.

2. If you have to, could you move to any of your maternal or paternal uncle or aunt, say in a different city, on the pretext of studying in a different college? 

3. Try to learn to “see but not watch and hear but not listen”. Learn to ignore things. Learn to not hang on to bad words. Learn to brush off the things that could potentially give heartburns. Learn to not think of the negatives and instead focus on your studies, making a career, keeping up with your health, so once you get out of that house, you are fully prepared to take on the world on your terms, without being in the vulnerable situation. 

Your mom and dad are a couple, let them deal with however they are dealing with each other. You just keep your end of the deal, meaning they are your parents and deserve your respect from you .. ONLY FOR THE SAKE OF Allah. Also remember their is always “ease after hardship”, it’s a promise of Allah in Qur’an and it’s repeated twice as if Allah is consoling the battered souls like yourself. 

3. Yes there are Duas to safeguard yourself from oppression, mental torture, or physical assault. I won’t know how much time would you have, but if you have 7-10 extra minutes after every wajib salat, and I’ll post it here? 

1.  Yes I know. I couldn't do it here anyways. It was a very emotional and quick decision to think of such a solution but I couldn't ever carry out with it. Mainly because of the reasons you've named. 

 

2. Nope. We live in one of the best cities of the country and I don't have any close relatives in the other major cities. 

 

3. Yes. I have been ignoring. For 18 years. It's so easy to say "let them handle it" it's what my best friend tells me. It's not easy to see your mother's reputation be dragged through the mud by someone who you look like, by someone whose own flesh and blood you are. It's not easy to see her walk out of the washroom pretending she didn't just silently cry her heart out in there. It's not easy to see her do everything right, and much Much much much more, and still be treated like a donkey. Even they're respected and given rewards. All she's given is pain. He does this openly infront of us, what does he do behind closed doors? 

 

4. Yes I have time. I always have time. Please post it 

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1 hour ago, BowTie said:

Magic on him? are you from Africa?

Other than that. I don’t know why many people give advice about patience when they’re not the ones hurting. But I tied your other topic with this one. Makes sense. 

Kind of made me laugh. From Pakistan. By magic I don't mean Hocus pocus. But I think you know what I mean when I wrote what he said. 

Exactly. It's so easy to say, ignore them. Be patient. For what? Till they stop saying " I fear Allah and that's only the reason why I don't go further, or else" and actually end up finishing 'or else'? 

Thank you. For understanding. 

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 Asalam O Alykum...

I read all shared messages, in the end, I approach at the point that everyone should keep contacting with God if there is no assistance is expected. God is great. Life is a menace to everyone, some time in the shape of Husband, in the shape of wife, in the shape of the daughter, etc. 

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Salaam, 

A wise girl once said to me:

"Allah will never test you with something that he think you can't deal with" 

I can't relate to your situation as I've never been in your position, but the general advice I would give is that: in all your problems, no matter how bad things get, just don't forget Allah. 

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Men like this are not limited to Muslims—abusive family members are everywhere, and transcend any nationality, culture, race. 

I have a difficult father—yes he has provided for us beyond what anyone would do for his children, but he’s largely bad at empathy (because my grandmother, his mom, is like that and worse.) and he’s just awful to be around. He manipulates and plays games, delays things and/or doesn’t do them, is extremely disrespectful and condescending. You have no idea. In public, people think he’s a class-act and is respectful and courteous. At home, he’s an entirely different person. 

You can only focus on yourself. Your parents have made the choice to stay, be it for financial or maintaining “respect” within the community—whatever the reason, at least you’ll be aware of the red flags for when you choose your own partner so this cycle will no longer repeat. And that’s all you can do.

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5 hours ago, Zellali said:

I'm so sorry for what happened. If you don't mind me asking, why can't she divorce him? I strongly urge my mother to do so after my youngest is done with his studies. I don't want her to suffer anymore. I don't care if it seems like we're just using my father for financial benefit. It wouldn't be like this it her were a good honest person. 

I honestly wish my father wasn't so religious, so I had something to back me up when I tell my friends or family members of this situation. 

She can’t divorce him because she is Sunni. In the country where I live in, woman does not have right to divorce if she marries a man who is from different sect. My father is not religious, he insults Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) when we need something from him or when he lose in a game. Plus he is religious infront of other people. 

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1 hour ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Men like this are not limited to Muslims—abusive family members are everywhere, and transcend any nationality, culture, race. 

I have a difficult father—yes he has provided for us beyond what anyone would do for his children, but he’s largely bad at empathy (because my grandmother, his mom, is like that and worse.) and he’s just awful to be around. He manipulates and plays games, delays things and/or doesn’t do them, is extremely disrespectful and condescending. You have no idea. In public, people think he’s a class-act and is respectful and courteous. At home, he’s an entirely different person.

You can only focus on yourself. Your parents have made the choice to stay, be it for financial or maintaining “respect” within the community—whatever the reason, at least you’ll be aware of the red flags for when you choose your own partner so this cycle will no longer repeat. And that’s all you can do.

You just explain my dad in one paragraph. That’s my dad behavior too. 

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9 hours ago, Zellali said:

For my mom it's both, for me it's financial. 

And yes of course I do work on myself. I'm not a perfect Muslim but I try my best. I'm even thinking of starting to wear head covering. (I wear a dupatta sometimes on my head). 

The point of the post was that sometimes we are Allah for help through prayers, but we can also ask for help in other ways. Like you know how some aunties are always reciting something and then they ask for dua. Just like there are duas for marriage, or success, I meant is there something specific like that for my situation. Because I'm not the first nor the last one whose going through this. 

 

And I agree wholly. We love to cut and paste and follow the new way we've created. For me, for years I kept telling myself I feel more confident without a headscarf, but it wasn't confidence, it was more about the insecurity I felt towards the rest of my body and I felt like my hair could cover that. I changed my mind very recently and agree that head covering is difficult but important to a part of our growth. The problem in our culture or countries or societies is no one is ready to learn. Everyone listens to reply, not to understand and learn. 

When I was talking about focusing on yourself, I wasn't telling you to focus on your faults at all, but to live your own life. All of us already got enough work to do to care about others lack of interest to improve in any way. We can't stop our lives for them, that's the thing.

These cases are especially annoying because they are based in a system of cruelty. Women's work is invisibilized (ALSO in the West). Reproductive and home work done by women is took for granted, unpaid, unrecognised and misstreated. Yet it is one of the most important economical and social works, the continuity of humanity. There is a feminist marxist thinker that address this idea on point, Silvia Federici. Pretty much a must read for those who are either interested in feminism and/or economy.

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4 hours ago, Zaid Bin Ali said:

She can’t divorce him because she is Sunni. In the country where I live in, woman does not have right to divorce

Not true. If your mother is Sunni she* won't even need a religious divorce and legal divorce is super easy now. I am not suggesting your mother divorced your father or you push her in that direction. 

Edited by starlight
'She' not 'he'

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5 hours ago, Zaid Bin Ali said:

She can’t divorce him because she is Sunni. In the country where I live in, woman does not have right to divorce if she marries a man who is from different sect. My father is not religious, he insults Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) when we need something from him or when he lose in a game. Plus he is religious infront of other people. 

Gosh this is so annoying. What the hell does it mean the country stops the woman from divorce? That's ridiculous. It's a right from Allah, not government. This is why Islam is viewed so disrespectfully. Again, I'm sorry for the situation you are in :( maybe one day one of you kids can grow up and take your mom to another country and get a citizenship, and then file for divorce through that government? 

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6 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Men like this are not limited to Muslims—abusive family members are everywhere, and transcend any nationality, culture, race. 

 have a difficult father—yes he has provided for us beyond what anyone would do for his children, but he’s largely bad at empathy (because my grandmother, his mom, is like that and worse.) and he’s just awful to be around. He manipulates and plays games, delays things and/or doesn’t do them, is extremely disrespectful and condescending. You have no idea. In public, people think he’s a class-act and is respectful and courteous. At home, he’s an entirely different person. 

You can only focus on yourself. Your parents have made the choice to stay, be it for financial or maintaining “respect” within the community—whatever the reason, at least you’ll be aware of the red flags for when you choose your own partner so this cycle will no longer repeat. And that’s all you can do.

Oh my, wow. Spot on. Your dad should meet mine. It'll be like: 

images (17).jpeg

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Praying that God heals your home and heart, and gives both you and your mother the strength to deal with such an egotistical misogynist pancake. What a bloody sook. I don't know your circumstances or where you live, but abuse is never ever okay, and abusive men are always trying to compensate for the many things they lack. A brain, being one of those things. 

Glad that your mother has such a supportive daughter, bide your time if you can't get away, and try to stay out of his way. Hopefully one day, your brothers belt him. 

Praying for you.<3

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Guest Nani-Amma

You asked for something to be recited, here you go.

After every salat, after the tasbeeh e Zahara AS, read

1. Fatiha,

2. Ayah Al-Kursi (2:255 -2:257) 

3. Two ayah of 3:18 and 3:19

4. Two ayah of 3:26 and 3:27

Make dua immediately afterwards. 

According to Imam Sadiq AS, one who reads it after every wajib salat would be looked at 70 times by the special view of Allah.. and the Hadith keeps going on and on of the special and exclusive favors the person would receive immediately.

The key here is the adherence to wajib salat, without which it would be akin to putting nihari ingredients in a stovetop without turning the stove on. Keep doing it after every wajib salat. Again take Dua as not the order to Allah.  astaghferullah, as some people expect the results right at that moment. Only Allah knows the best time of fulfillments while Duas require consistency. 

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