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In the Name of God بسم الله
Zellali

Is there a way to read something (like a sentence or a few words) that can help in a toxic father/husband?

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Assalamualaikum, 

 

My dad's been sick for two weeks.

The day he got sick, one of my moms co-workers was getting divorce because her husband is leaving with another lover. (Yes this is relevant please keep reading) She was devastated so everyone was comforting her. Another one of my mom's coworker friends called her to see where she was because she wanted to go to the lady and console her.

My mom said she was in the car with my dad. Of course dad asked who it was, what they wanted, what happened (in a negative tone, the usual ) and then when my mom told him, his answer was "that's what happens to women who care more about their social life than their home life." (I partially agree but only towards this one lady, because I remember her son used to be in first grade and all the time his nose would be running, he would be wearing old, torn uniform, and his hair would be disheveled, and they're bloody rich so it wasn't an issue like that (her job is apart of her social life. She only does it for her friends. Which is completely fine but it's not fine how she treated her kid and ignored his needs)) 

Anyways, my mom didn't reply. However, this gave him a chance to of course bring her into this   saying all these women working in this particular place, this is how they turn out to be ( of loose character) , blah blah. The husband is leaving, not her. Shes devastated. He's abandoning his kids too so how is he any better? He kept spewing ill words to the work place  (my mom is a , teacher. A teacher. Of first graders. ) Of course my mom didn't take that for long and asked him what he meant. Causing the fight because "he's never wrong". 

Now he says" I got sick on the day of the fight. Means I got sick because of you" (at my mom) saying my mom has done black magic on him because they had a fight 2 weeks ago.

I'm done. Honestly, I don't know how she can talk to him straight face. I'm so done. I hate him. I don't care what he provides for, what he does, because he does it as a "religious duty" From God. Not because he's our father, I'm sure he believes he loves us, but I don't want this love.

 

I'm done because this is honestly a normal thing to happen every 1-2 months. Im sick and tired of it. After all this, nawozobillah, if my mom were to actually do something wrong, I wouldn't even care. I'd still side with her. He doesn't deserve her. At all. I've taken this for 18 years. Came in between when it used to get physical till I was 14. It only stopped being physical not because he started fearing God or because he thought he was morally wrong but because my brothers started calling him out on it and he got scared they might spill to someone out of the family or worse, leave him in old age. If he thinks they're going to keep him in old age, he's in for one hell of a ride later. 

But Im done. However my mom can't leave him due to financial issues. I'm 18, I have three younger brothers (13, 10 and 9). And here divorce is "ASTAGHFIRULLAH HOW DARE SHE". 

So, is there any way that I can read something, and secretly pray that actually works and changes him. Anything anyone has actually seen work? Like we're asked to read "nasrum minallahe wa fata un Kareem" when we want to be successful or repeat some specific word. Can someone tell me something for my situation? 

 

Jazakallah Khair. 

Edited by Zellali

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Wish I could give you a big hug. Your father sounds just like my ex husband so I can understand what your Mum must have gone through. 

Should I tell you something honestly? This probably isn't going to end. You should somehow learn to live with it. We all have tests in our lives and this is yours. I know it seems unbearable right now but if you pray to Allah things WILL get easier. The circumstances might not change much but you will be better at accepting them and dealing with them. 

I cannot recommend any specific duas for this but I would suggest you read dua Mukaram ul Ikhlaq. 

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sala alkum sister 

maybe you father is affected by evil eye of your mother or brother or sister o you or any of you maybe Allah allem 

do wudu, with water of wudu of you Wudu wash his head ..may Allah heal him 

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51 minutes ago, starlight said:

Wish I could give you a big hug. Your father sounds just like my ex husband so I can understand what your Mum must have gone through. 

Should I tell you something honestly? This probably isn't going to end. You should somehow learn to live with it. We all have tests in our lives and this is yours. I know it seems unbearable right now but if you pray to Allah things WILL get easier. The circumstances might not change much but you will be better at accepting them and dealing with them. 

I cannot recommend any specific duas for this but I would suggest you read dua Mukaram ul Ikhlaq. 

How did you get through it? How did you end up leaving him? Did you have any kids? What happened to them or how are they now? I have accepted the reality. But I wanted to give it a shot. 

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Guest Think

Duas are always useful, but can anyone recommend the sister some practical advice? She isn't the first or last to have gone through this particular situation, others have gotten through it, and one should not lose hope and should try practical means. Everyone's situation is different. 

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3 hours ago, Zellali said:

I'm 18, I have three younger brothers (13, 10 and 9)

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Keep praying. God is the the best of planners. Keep coming online on Shiachat it might help. Maybe try talking to some people at the mosque.

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Hi Zellali. I understand how you feel. I was raised with a toxic father. He is alcoholic, adultery, sexist, racism and more importantly, he doesn’t fear Allah. He always says that my mother is a witch because she is Asian. He treated her in disrespect way, told to his family that my mother is a bad woman. And you know what’s the big problem, she can’t divorce him. She always make dua, and he always suffer from it. Ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for help, he is the only one who knows how you feel, and he can help you. 

Lastly, I’m so sorry to see how you feel. Inshallah he understand what life is. After all, no one in benifial to him except Allah and his family.  

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God guides whoever He wants. Focus on yourself instead, otherwise you are just losing valuable time.

Your father has an education that is hard to get rid of. Before keeping on, I would only like to point out that, even though your opinion on that woman that seemed careless towards her kid is pretty much valid, it is ALSO valid for the father. A kids' well being, good presence, etc., is not exclusively a woman's responsibility.

As for his behaviour, when we speak of a man who beats his wife, we can automatically leave religion aside. It's a mirage. Arabs and traditionally Muslim cultures love to talk about Islam and love to publically side with traditional Islamic customs, but when we look at facts, we can't care any less. So it's normal that your community reacts like that towards a divorce, but they wouldn't be so picky (and retards) if it affected their closest ones.

Economic dependence is one thing, but if the only thing stopping you guys from divorce is your public image, you aren't living your lives nor being your true selves, and that may turn into psychological problems in the best of cases.

Take much care.

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3 hours ago, Zellali said:

How did you get through it? How did you end up leaving him? Did you have any kids? What happened to them or how are they now? I have accepted the reality. But I wanted to give it a shot. 

I left him. It wasn't easy but things had gone to a point where I feared I would lose my sanity and I knew I couldn't continue anymore. I have two kids who live with me and while things haven't been easy generally, I feel I am in a far better place mentally and emotionally as compared to when I was living with him. We have our share of problems, rather more lolz but everyday Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) sends lots of blessings and help my way too so we are managing Alhumdollilah. 

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Guest Nani-Amma

Sorry to hear of your situation. Here are a few things you could do:

1. Do not event think of moving out. At least in your home, under an oppressive man, your body, livelihood, honor, physical health, lodging is covered and protected. The moment you get out, you would be a game for all men out there.

2. If you have to, could you move to any of your maternal or paternal uncle or aunt, say in a different city, on the pretext of studying in a different college? 

3. Try to learn to “see but not watch and hear but not listen”. Learn to ignore things. Learn to not hang on to bad words. Learn to brush off the things that could potentially give heartburns. Learn to not think of the negatives and instead focus on your studies, making a career, keeping up with your health, so once you get out of that house, you are fully prepared to take on the world on your terms, without being in the vulnerable situation. 

Your mom and dad are a couple, let them deal with however they are dealing with each other. You just keep your end of the deal, meaning they are your parents and deserve your respect from you .. ONLY FOR THE SAKE OF Allah. Also remember their is always “ease after hardship”, it’s a promise of Allah in Qur’an and it’s repeated twice as if Allah is consoling the battered souls like yourself. 

3. Yes there are Duas to safeguard yourself from oppression, mental torture, or physical assault. I won’t know how much time would you have, but if you have 7-10 extra minutes after every wajib salat, and I’ll post it here? 

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Magic on him? are you from Africa?

Other than that. I don’t know why many people give advice about patience when they’re not the ones hurting. But I tied your other topic with this one. Makes sense. 

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10 hours ago, Badrino said:

sala alkum sister 

maybe you father is affected by evil eye of your mother or brother or sister o you or any of you maybe Allah allem 

do wudu, with water of wudu of you Wudu wash his head ..may Allah heal him 

He's a religious man, in a stereotypical way. He reads namaz and Qur'an e paak daily. And it would be amazing to see what you mean by evil eye from my mom, since it's so amazing her evil eye is causing him to disrespect her. Amazing. Blame it on some mystical thing while the man does wudu everyday. Not saying I don't believe in evil eye, but there's nothing my dad is better at than my mother for her to look at him and feel anything that would give him evil eye. (Where I live, it's usually because someone is jealous or greedy and look at people with wrong intentions). 

From his sister, we really think it's her. She keeps pushing and pushing saying that her son is some "Pir" (reads verses and rids of evil eye) and that our house is in dire need of it. Before she started saying this everything was fine and then suddenly everything went down hill. That's also one of the reasons why he thinks my mom is doing something to him. Of course, the woman who even after suffering so much, tells her kids to respect and obey their father, who doesn't show to her kids how he treats her, is the wrong one in his eyes. 

 

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9 hours ago, Isaam said:

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Keep praying. God is the the best of planners. Keep coming online on Shiachat it might help. Maybe try talking to some people at the mosque.

Thank you. It means alot. I will keep praying. And shiachat does help. However I'm a female and here females don't go to the mosque. It's just school or the house. It's so dukl

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8 hours ago, Zaid Bin Ali said:

Hi Zellali. I understand how you feel. I was raised with a toxic father. He is alcoholic, adultery, sexist, racism and more importantly, he doesn’t fear Allah. He always says that my mother is a witch because she is Asian. He treated her in disrespect way, told to his family that my mother is a bad woman. And you know what’s the big problem, she can’t divorce him. She always make dua, and he always suffer from it. Ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for help, he is the only one who knows how you feel, and he can help you. 

Lastly, I’m so sorry to see how you feel. Inshallah he understand what life is. After all, no one in benifial to him except Allah and his family.  

I'm so sorry for what happened. If you don't mind me asking, why can't she divorce him? I strongly urge my mother to do so after my youngest is done with his studies. I don't want her to suffer anymore. I don't care if it seems like we're just using my father for financial benefit. It wouldn't be like this it her were a good honest person. 

I honestly wish my father wasn't so religious, so I had something to back me up when I tell my friends or family members of this situation. 

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7 hours ago, Bakir said:

God guides whoever He wants. Focus on yourself instead, otherwise you are just losing valuable time.

Your father has an education that is hard to get rid of. Before keeping on, I would only like to point out that, even though your opinion on that woman that seemed careless towards her kid is pretty much valid, it is ALSO valid for the father. A kids' well being, good presence, etc., is not exclusively a woman's responsibility.

As for his behaviour, when we speak of a man who beats his wife, we can automatically leave religion aside. It's a mirage. Arabs and traditionally Muslim cultures love to talk about Islam and love to publically side with traditional Islamic customs, but when we look at facts, we can't care any less. So it's normal that your community reacts like that towards a divorce, but they wouldn't be so picky (and retards) if it affected their closest ones.

Economic dependence is one thing, but if the only thing stopping you guys from divorce is your public image, you aren't living your lives nor being your true selves, and that may turn into psychological problems in the best of cases.

Take much care.

For my mom it's both, for me it's financial. 

And yes of course I do work on myself. I'm not a perfect Muslim but I try my best. I'm even thinking of starting to wear head covering. (I wear a dupatta sometimes on my head). 

The point of the post was that sometimes we are Allah for help through prayers, but we can also ask for help in other ways. Like you know how some aunties are always reciting something and then they ask for dua. Just like there are duas for marriage, or success, I meant is there something specific like that for my situation. Because I'm not the first nor the last one whose going through this. 

 

And I agree wholly. We love to cut and paste and follow the new way we've created. For me, for years I kept telling myself I feel more confident without a headscarf, but it wasn't confidence, it was more about the insecurity I felt towards the rest of my body and I felt like my hair could cover that. I changed my mind very recently and agree that head covering is difficult but important to a part of our growth. The problem in our culture or countries or societies is no one is ready to learn. Everyone listens to reply, not to understand and learn. 

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