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In the Name of God بسم الله

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Salam.

I'll be short.

I am a mom of 2 kids and living with my husband and his in-laws. The thing is, I'm not being provided the care (financially, mentally and even physically) that I need as a woman, a wife and a mother. Our kids tuition fees are due for months and my husband hasn't found any job as of yet. I don't want to live him because in my heart, I don't want to leave him in this state but this situation has led me to depression, anxiety and frustration

Ever since he stopped showing affection towards me even though I am in my 20s and Allah has blessed me with beauty; I've started to lean towards talking to men (online) because they praise and compliment me (I know it's wrong!).

This is why I wish to get a divorce. But, I'm still very much tensed about it.

PLEASE HELP!

Edited by starlight
Merged two threads

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11 minutes ago, Propaganda_of_the_Deed said:

I don't want to state the obvious nor be cliche, but communication really is key. You can't divorce or leave with him being oblivious to these feelings, he may even be clueless or blisfully ignorant. Either way, you have to speak together and tell him how you really feel and what you think is missing.

I've already tried talking to him and even being very open to him for my needs but he says, "there is more to it than that". He seems not interested in me at all! Whereas, I'm quite young in my 20s and people have complimented me about my looks. I do not know why he's neglecting me.

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44 minutes ago, PracticalNatural said:

Salam.

I'll be short.

I am a mom of 2 kids and living with my husband and his in-laws. The thing is, I'm not being provided the care (financially, mentally and even physically) that I need as a woman, a wife and a mother. Our kids tuition fees are due for months and my husband hasn't found any job as of yet. I don't want to live him because in my heart, I don't want to leave him in this state but this situation has led me to depression, anxiety and frustration

Ever since he stopped showing affection towards me even though I am in my 20s and Allah has blessed me with beauty; I've started to lean towards talking to men (online) because they praise and compliment me (I know it's wrong!).

This is why I wish to get a divorce. But, I'm still very much tensed about it.

PLEASE HELP!

You need to move out, don’t get divorced. Then once you move out, the other stuff, physical, emotional, will follow. 

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11 minutes ago, layman said:

Wait until he get a job.  A  man who cannot support his wife and family financially,  (the situation) may disturb his state of mind.  He cannot see and appreciate your beauty when he has nothing to give... 

I've also taken this as a consideration. But this has been happening ever since we got married. He only gives me time after a few months and then forgets if I'm ever there. He's a decent guy but when it comes to my needs, he seems not to care about it at all. :( And yes, I am waiting that he gets a job. I'm also doing my best to provide for my children.

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19 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

You need to move out, don’t get divorced. Then once you move out, the other stuff, physical, emotional, will follow. 

I have moved out once. Nothing changed. The situation became even worse. Even my parents think something is wrong with me. :(

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5 minutes ago, PracticalNatural said:

I have moved out once. Nothing changed. The situation became even worse. Even my parents think something is wrong with me. :(

How long did you move out for? How did the situation become? PM me about it if you don’t want to talk about it on the forum.

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Divorce is always an open of last resort only. Do you really think you'd be better off alone, that your children will be better off dividing their time between two households? 

Lack of financial support and lack of physical intimacy are legitimate reasons to divorce, but from what you've said it seems both are temporary. 

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Instead of talking to men online, which is a bad idea and possibly haram whether you're married or not, why not cultivate supportive friendships with women? 

Would you consider your husband to be your friend? If not, try working on that too. Maybe he wants more than just a physical relationship. 

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15 hours ago, PracticalNatural said:

I am a mom of 2 kids and living with my husband and his in-laws.

How long have you been married?

15 hours ago, PracticalNatural said:

I'm not being provided the care (financially, mentally and even physically) that I need as a woman, a wife and a mother.

Have you spoken about this with your husband?

15 hours ago, PracticalNatural said:

Our kids tuition fees are due for months and my husband hasn't found any job as of yet.

How long has he been out of work?

How old are your children?

15 hours ago, PracticalNatural said:

I don't want to live him because in my heart, I don't want to leave him in this state but this situation has led me to depression, anxiety and frustration

Have you spoken to a Mental Health Professional about this?

15 hours ago, PracticalNatural said:

Ever since he stopped showing affection towards me even though I am in my 20s and Allah has blessed me with beauty; I've started to lean towards talking to men (online) because they praise and compliment me (I know it's wrong!).

You need to stop that right away. I totally understand what is causing you to act in that manner. However, you do need to understand that it is not Halal. You need to walk on the path of what is Halal, because to deviate from that will only bring more problems into your life. As I mentioned above, speaking to a Mental Health Professional will help greatly regarding this. 

15 hours ago, PracticalNatural said:

This is why I wish to get a divorce. But, I'm still very much tensed about it.

That's because in your heart and mind you are not convinced that it is the route you really want to take. 

I would suggest first that you sit privately with your husband and share all of this with him in a mature and sensible manner. Make sure you are not overreacting and being mature about it. Gauge not only your husbands reaction to the words but also his attitude. If he is accepting of what you have mentioned to him and he sincerely wants to take steps to correct them then you have something to work with. However, if he dismisses what you're saying for whatever reason then you will have to realize that this is what you're going to see for the rest of your life with him.

Also, not sure where you live but that will also determine what course of action you need to take. Culture will be a huge factor as to how your life will be if you do choose to divorce him. Another thing to consider is how will you support yourself financially after the divorce? What will your income be? What money will you use to raise your children?

You also have to seek the advice of someone who is capable of hearing what you have to say and offer the best advice possible. Many times that doesn't mean your own family or friends. Just because you know them doesn't mean they have the mental level to be able to provide you practical and logical advice. Most parents will only get over emotional and then lose sight of their logic and end up giving useless advice.

All the best to you, but remember to...

  1. Find a Mental Health Professional that will help you stabilize your Depression. Once that happens you will then be better able to think and analyze much better. 
  2. Speak to your husband. That will give you a better basis to determine what choice to take.
  3. Consider your children. What type of impact will this have on them?
  4. Speak to someone who can give you the best advice. Don't speak to someone you know or someone who will allow their emotions to have an effect on their advice.
  5. Financially. How will you support yourself?
  6. Culturally. Where do you live and how will you be treated in society as a result of getting a divorce?
  7. After all of that has happened, then decide what decision you want to make.

 

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24 minutes ago, Akbar673 said:

.

  1. Find a Mental Health Professional that will help you stabilize your Depression. Once that happens you will then be better able to think and analyze much better.  

 

You always give great detailed advice, MashaAllah

Maybe couples counseling could be good too?

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1 hour ago, Akbar673 said:

How long have you been married?

Have you spoken about this with your husband?

How long has he been out of work?

How old are your children?

Have you spoken to a Mental Health Professional about this?

You need to stop that right away. I totally understand what is causing you to act in that manner. However, you do need to understand that it is not Halal. You need to walk on the path of what is Halal, because to deviate from that will only bring more problems into your life. As I mentioned above, speaking to a Mental Health Professional will help greatly regarding this. 

That's because in your heart and mind you are not convinced that it is the route you really want to take. 

I would suggest first that you sit privately with your husband and share all of this with him in a mature and sensible manner. Make sure you are not overreacting and being mature about it. Gauge not only your husbands reaction to the words but also his attitude. If he is accepting of what you have mentioned to him and he sincerely wants to take steps to correct them then you have something to work with. However, if he dismisses what you're saying for whatever reason then you will have to realize that this is what you're going to see for the rest of your life with him.

Also, not sure where you live but that will also determine what course of action you need to take. Culture will be a huge factor as to how your life will be if you do choose to divorce him. Another thing to consider is how will you support yourself financially after the divorce? What will your income be? What money will you use to raise your children?

You also have to seek the advice of someone who is capable of hearing what you have to say and offer the best advice possible. Many times that doesn't mean your own family or friends. Just because you know them doesn't mean they have the mental level to be able to provide you practical and logical advice. Most parents will only get over emotional and then lose sight of their logic and end up giving useless advice.

All the best to you, but remember to...

  1. Find a Mental Health Professional that will help you stabilize your Depression. Once that happens you will then be better able to think and analyze much better. 
  2. Speak to your husband. That will give you a better basis to determine what choice to take.
  3. Consider your children. What type of impact will this have on them?
  4. Speak to someone who can give you the best advice. Don't speak to someone you know or someone who will allow their emotions to have an effect on their advice.
  5. Financially. How will you support yourself?
  6. Culturally. Where do you live and how will you be treated in society as a result of getting a divorce?
  7. After all of that has happened, then decide what decision you want to make.

 

Thank you for such an informative advice. I've done what you're telling me (related to husband) and he doesn't seem to care about it. I have someone who's providing me financial care and I, myself, am doing some fitness courses so I can make myself stable enough to care for my children. The real reason I am not divorcing is the culture and society. Woman is always considered bad when it comes to divorce. And if I marry someone else, people will think I had an affair with someone.

2 hours ago, notme said:

Instead of talking to men online, which is a bad idea and possibly haram whether you're married or not, why not cultivate supportive friendships with women? 

Would you consider your husband to be your friend? If not, try working on that too. Maybe he wants more than just a physical relationship. 

I do have supportive friendships with women. And I know it's haram and sometimes I ignore them completely but their worry for me is what makes me want to talk to them. Speaking of husband, he's not just physically inactive, but also mentally inactive too. He doesn't talk much and stays on with his mobile or with his family.

6 hours ago, notme said:

Divorce is always an open of last resort only. Do you really think you'd be better off alone, that your children will be better off dividing their time between two households? 

Lack of financial support and lack of physical intimacy are legitimate reasons to divorce, but from what you've said it seems both are temporary. 

You're right. I'll have to think more about it.

15 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

How long did you move out for? How did the situation become? PM me about it if you don’t want to talk about it on the forum.

You guys can PM me if you want to talk about it. I'm new here so not allowed to message.

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21 hours ago, PracticalNatural said:

Salam.

I'll be short.

I am a mom of 2 kids and living with my husband and his in-laws. The thing is, I'm not being provided the care (financially, mentally and even physically) that I need as a woman, a wife and a mother. Our kids tuition fees are due for months and my husband hasn't found any job as of yet. I don't want to live him because in my heart, I don't want to leave him in this state but this situation has led me to depression, anxiety and frustration

Q: My wife is from a rich family and I am from an average family, is it mandatory for me to pay for her in the same way she is used to when she was with her family, which would put me in economic hardship, or should I pay for her within my financial ability?


A: It is mandatory for the husband to pay for the expenses of the wife according to the status of both partners even if by borrowing and suchlike, and if it is not possible for him to borrow it is mandatory for the bayt al-mal I.e. the public treasury to pay for it.*

*“. . . it is mandatory for the bayt al-mal I.e. the public treasury to pay for it.” This reply could be said to be the underlying principle, even if in practice we do not have such a system going at the present time. This is of the same category of the Islamic law established by Prophet Muhammad that if the debtor genuinely cannot repay his debt then the head-of-state is responsible to pay it. Furthermore, the same law states if the head of the family dies and leaves a poor family behind then their welfare is the responsibility of the head- of-state, but if he dies and leaves a wealth and bequeath behind, then it is theirs, I.e. no inheritance tax.

 

21 hours ago, PracticalNatural said:

Ever since he stopped showing affection towards me even though I am in my 20s and Allah has blessed me with beauty; I've started to lean towards talking to men (online) because they praise and compliment me (I know it's wrong!).

You know this is wrong yet you keep engaging in haram behaviour. You need to stop it immediately. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ) tests us in various ways during our hardships. 

21 hours ago, PracticalNatural said:

This is why I wish to get a divorce. But, I'm still very much tensed about it.

PLEASE HELP!

Seek help from the nearest alim, he will be able to direct you to the proper solutions. If your husband doesn’t work, because for whatever reason he just chooses not to work, and the household expenses are entirely on your shoulders, you may have a basis for divorce. Also, him not taking interest in you and abandoning the intimacy is also another valid reason for divorce. 

 

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3 hours ago, OrthodoxTruth said:

Q: My wife is from a rich family and I am from an average family, is it mandatory for me to pay for her in the same way she is used to when she was with her family, which would put me in economic hardship, or should I pay for her within my financial ability?


A: It is mandatory for the husband to pay for the expenses of the wife according to the status of both partners even if by borrowing and suchlike, and if it is not possible for him to borrow it is mandatory for the bayt al-mal I.e. the public treasury to pay for it.*

*“. . . it is mandatory for the bayt al-mal I.e. the public treasury to pay for it.” This reply could be said to be the underlying principle, even if in practice we do not have such a system going at the present time. This is of the same category of the Islamic law established by Prophet Muhammad that if the debtor genuinely cannot repay his debt then the head-of-state is responsible to pay it. Furthermore, the same law states if the head of the family dies and leaves a poor family behind then their welfare is the responsibility of the head- of-state, but if he dies and leaves a wealth and bequeath behind, then it is theirs, I.e. no inheritance tax.

 

You know this is wrong yet you keep engaging in haram behaviour. You need to stop it immediately. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَىٰ) tests us in various ways during our hardships. 

Seek help from the nearest alim, he will be able to direct you to the proper solutions. If your husband doesn’t work, because for whatever reason he just chooses not to work, and the household expenses are entirely on your shoulders, you may have a basis for divorce. Also, him not taking interest in you and abandoning the intimacy is also another valid reason for divorce. 

 

Thank you for your answer. Your advice is straight to the point and I believe I have the right to divorce because I will be putting myself in haram behavior.

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Sister, I have been following your thread and even though I don't feel like posting in marital issues threads anymore, your strong inclination towards divorce has brought me here to say a few things. 

- Lack of intimacy and financial problems, how do you think divorcing your husband will solve these issues? I am not judging you or criticising you for wanting a divorce. I just want you to make the best decision in your circumstances. So I want to know the thought process behind your decision. 

- You mentioned influence of some friends in the other threads, I hope these friends aren't the ones who are behind this idea of divorce? Please do not let people pressurise you or lead you towards this decision, be it family or friends.In the end it will be you by yourself in the long haul.Alone.

- I strongly believe your husband will benefit from a visit to the psychiatrist. 

-  Start reciting these duas of istikhara STAT. I suggest you do just the dua ones and skip the Qur'an and Tasbeeh ones for now. They have  helped me immensely in difficult situations several times in life. https://www.al-Islam.org/istikhara-seeking-the-best-from-Allah-Muhammad-Baqir-haideri/section-6-various-forms-istikhara

- pray 2 rakat namaz, gift it to Imam e Zaman (عليه السلام) and ask for help. 

- Please refrain from Haraam, as they take barkaah from your life. 

Duas.

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I said many things in the PM, but this is more of general advice toward everyone:

For men, get your testosterone levels checked

get therapy to unpack any cultural shaming against sex and intimacy—you won’t believe how many men and women still struggle with this even after marriage.

take things slow and don’t demand sex—it will just turn your spouse off

See a sex therapist for intimacy related issues.

For unemployed men—men who refuse to work or have lost their jobs—get a darn ol’ job. Any job is better than no job. Stop being lazy, and start being proactive. 

For men who work dead-end jobs—go back to school to get a degree in something which you’d be able to make the $$$$$$ and something that would bring you job satisfaction. 

For the OP, like I said in the PM, your issues are solvable. Try out the things I mentioned in the pm (that I won’t mention here) and I promise you’ll see improvement. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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16 hours ago, starlight said:

Sister, I have been following your thread and even though I don't feel like posting in marital issues threads anymore, your strong inclination towards divorce has brought me here to say a few things. 

- Lack of intimacy and financial problems, how do you think divorcing your husband will solve these issues? I am not judging you or criticising you for wanting a divorce. I just want you to make the best decision in your circumstances. So I want to know the thought process behind your decision. 

- You mentioned influence of some friends in the other threads, I hope these friends aren't the ones who are behind this idea of divorce? Please do not let people pressurise you or lead you towards this decision, be it family or friends.In the end it will be you by yourself in the long haul.Alone.

- I strongly believe your husband will benefit from a visit to the psychiatrist. 

-  Start reciting these duas of istikhara STAT. I suggest you do just the dua ones and skip the Qur'an and Tasbeeh ones for now. They have  helped me immensely in difficult situations several times in life. https://www.al-Islam.org/istikhara-seeking-the-best-from-Allah-Muhammad-Baqir-haideri/section-6-various-forms-istikhara

- pray 2 rakat namaz, gift it to Imam e Zaman (عليه السلام) and ask for help. 

- Please refrain from Haraam, as they take barkaah from your life. 

Duas.

Thank you for the due and you understand me but I don't think he will visit a psychiatrist.

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