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I hate my mum

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I was a good student, a good Muslim and a good daugher. One day I had a rishta and without my permission my parents said yes. I told them that I didnt want to marry the man but my mum said she would die of a heart attack and her death would be my fault it if I didnt go ahead. My dad said that id be dead to him and my only other choice was to leave home and be disowned forever. I had no choice but to go ahead with nikah.

My husband gave me my haq mehr money on day of nikah. My mum told me this money was gifted to me to use as wedding money (nikah after party) so she took this whole money off me.

After marriage I told my parents that my husband wasnt interested in me. My mum told me it was my fault and I must be doing something wrong because I never wanted to marry him in the first place.

My husband made me leave my job which I had worked very hard for. I didnt want to. My parents said that my husband was earning enough money so I should quit. I lost my financial indepnedence.

I later found out my husband was in tens of thousands of pounds of debt. My parents said I had to support him.

I was about to leave home one day and my husband got a butchers knife and sliced his head open. Blood everywhere. He had to get his head stitched up. My parents said he did becaise he loved me and I should think myself lucky that he loves me so much.

Things got worse. My mum promised me that after sibling got married she would arrange for my divorce as a divorce would bring shame on my family. This was a lie and she didnt.

Thereon whenever id tell her about my problems she would just act as if she couldnt hear me. After that, she told me that she was fed up of my problems and that my other sibling never complained. Only I did so there is somnething is wrong with me.

Also, she never lets me visit her and always makes excuses. Though she lets my sibling visit. When I said its not fair she responded its her house and she can invite who she wants.

Recently another incident very serious incident happened and she again blamed me. I told her that I coulnt believe she was my mother as no mother would allow her daughter to suffer. I also said I resented that she compared me to my sibling because we are on differnt journeys. she said I was jealous of my sibling and that she wished that my children treat me how id treated her. She told me not to come to her funeral and I said I didnt want to anyway and left her house.

I rang her to apologise a few days later but told that id never visit her again as I don’t want to worry her with my probems. She hasnt rang me since and its been a month.

My father is terminally ill so I can’t share my problems with him.

Im sorry to say this but I absolutely hate my mum now more than I have hated anyone. She has destroyed my life. I married this man because of her and now that my life is in tatters she has left me to perish. I am so depressed I can’t function or eat. 

Also, as my mum wanted to prove to the world that shed made the right choice for my marriage, she made me lie to all my family and friends and not share my problems. They all think im so very happy.

I hate my mum even though I know its against Islam to say this. I cry every day because of the pain I feel. I have stopped praying. Please don’t tell me to pray because I don’t want to. I just want to cry. I feel a deep pain inside me that just wont go away. I hate my husband too. I don’t think my marriage is islamically valid. can I hold mum responsible for my depression and lack of sinverity in Islam? Will I get punished for hating my mum? I want to tell all my family the truth but I know that my mum will completely disown me and curse me for this. My mum said that if I tell anyone the truth she will never forgive me and pray that I rot in hell forever. I will not allow her to blackmail me with religion anymore.

I left my husband and am staying with a friend who guided me to this site. I have no money so im trying to figure out what to do goings forwards with my life. ive been out of work for more than a decade so getting back to work will be a challenge. I live in england. 

Please give a fair answer. please understand I am a human not a robot!

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Parents are human and make mistakes. It's best that you forgive her and try to keep contact with her. You are an adult, you make your own life choices now, but respect and love for parents benefits you too. 

If she won't speak with you, send her emails or letters occasionally, just for the sake of maintaining contact. You can only live your life, you can't control other people. 

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You must look after yourself, return to yourself and then return to prayer. Your mother's prayers won't be answered, nobody rots in hell for being innocent. It's unfortunate the closest people are your biggest influence in religion too.

Your husband had an obligation to maintain you, it is an order by Allah. Okay, we go through periods of unemployment, money shortages etc, but if you have ended up with depression and neglect prayer, he has not been a maintenance or protector. Surely that is a fair enough reason for khulah. The mahr was for you, not for your wedding, I don't know what your family were thinking. I pray your life becomes easier, that Allah's light enters your life again and that you heal from this pain. You won't feel this way forever and you have people here who certainly will help in any way they can.

 

Only tell your family if they would support you.

Edited by aaaz1618
Addition.

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Dear Sister! I am very sorry to hear about your problems. Right now, don't worry about pleasing your mother, you should focus on surviving. Fortunately, you don't have any children. You made a good decision by leaving your husband. If there are any Muslim shelters in United Kingdom, you should contact them and try to get help from them. You are very strong and courageous. If you can deal with an abusive marriage, you can survive. Please be strong. Allah will solve your problems. 

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Forgiveness is of no value from an Islamic viewpoint if the wrong-doer is not sorry. 

To OP; do not be sorry about anything of the worldly matter. This is a great opportunity for you. And Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) Guides whom He wills

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Dear OP,

I am so very sorry to hear about your situation. I hope and pray that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) brings peace and contentment into your life.

You’ve already been given great advice and I’d just like to add a little something. Living in the United Kingdom, if you go to your GP, they should be able to signpost/refer you to local services that can help and support you with an array of things. This includes housing, benefits etc (until you start working inshallah). You could also google search your local domestic abuse service and they can help move you to a refuge if they feel you are in danger. However, if your husband isn’t stalking you and you’re not in imminent danger, then the local council can help you find accommodation. Domestic abusive services help with a number of things too including referring you to a mental health service. The reason I said GP is because they come across many types of situations and know who to contact especially when people have no idea where to find support. Even if they aren’t sure, it then becomes their duty to ensure they are providing that support too.

I hope this helps. Just remember there is support available.

Best of luck and if you need anymore support/advice then don’t hesitate to ask us! My prayers and best wishes to you.<3

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Guest regret

Thank you Rkazmi33, Muhammed-Mehdi and Heavenly Silk.

My mothers presence in my life is like poison that is killing me. She hates me. I can see it in her eyes. She used me to climb the social ladder to prove to the world that she found a good match in a respectable family with no regard for my feelings or suffering. Every time I talk to her or look at her I can see utter contempt. She has hated me since I was little because she thinks I was unlucky as she miscarried two boys after me. 

I can not bear to the have her presence in my life anymore, not that she is interested in me anyway. 

My questions are:

I have children and if I can’t function how can I look after them. My mother causes me so much emotional pain and anguish that I can’t even get out of bed some days. Will I rot in hell if I cut off all ties with her for the purposes of self preservation?

My mother not only curses me but my children. She then sends them nice text messages to show other people that she cares. In reality she wont even meet them. Im tired of her games. By text she invites them to her house but verbally she says no. My kids then get very very disappointed after having their expectations dashed. But she shows these messages to people and says she invited them but I don’t send them. The only way I can prove myself is by recording her phone call conversations but I don’t want to stoop so low. I don’t want her to mess with my kids heads like she messed with mine. Can I tell my children to block her because its too confusing and hurtful for them?

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Dear Sister! I know it hurts so much to be hated by your own mother. Unfortunately it happens to a lot of girls. I am sure your kids love you, and there are a lot of people who love you. You are worried about cutting ties with her, and I am worried that you will commit even a bigger sin: suicide. First you need to get out of depression. Please visit a doctor and try to get anti-depressants, they will make you feel so much better, and at least you will be able to take care of your kids. Like Sister Heavenly silk mentioned, please take advantage of services that are available to help women like you. Why do you care about what your mother or other people say about you? Since you cannot afford to take care of your kids, other Muslims should be helping you financially. If they are not helping you, they have no right to judge you and you shouldn't care about your image in their eyes. Most people just think of family problems as entertainment, and they enjoy seeing the drama. It's a good idea to block your mother and you should call her once a week, when you are in a good emotional state. On the days, when you cannot get out of bed, try to fast and read duas which protect you against your enemies. And please start using anti-depressants. They will help you so much and you will be able to function better. 

Try to ignore your mother and all other people. You don't have to prove yourself or explain your position. I know you probably want support from people who are familiar to you, but when your own family members betray you, sometimes you get help from strangers. And in your hard times, Allah sends people in your life, who support you. They may change later, but at that time, they become a  waseela for Allah's mercy for you. Is it possible for you to leave your kids with your husband or your mum? Since they care about their image so much, they won't be able to abuse the kids. You need some time away to heal and become strong. Your kids are your husband's responsibility also, since he is the father. He may not be capable of taking care of the kids but it looks like he has a strong support system. Become selfish so that you can become strong and fight this battle. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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I want to add something: Is it possible that your mother suffers from some kind of psychological disorder? I was my mother's favorite always, she always supported me and gave me so much confidence. Then I got married, and similar to your case, my mother was the one who chose my husband and that's why she now wants me to remain with my husband although I got an Islamic divorce. Now she says the same things to me which your mother says to you. Most of girls who have unhappy married lives, receive same treatment from their parents. So it's not right that your mother hates you. 

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On 5/2/2019 at 10:49 AM, Guest regret said:

I was a good student, a good Muslim and a good daugher. One day I had a rishta and without my permission my parents said yes. I told them that I didnt want to marry the man but my mum said she would die of a heart attack and her death would be my fault it if I didnt go ahead. My dad said that id be dead to him and my only other choice was to leave home and be disowned forever. I had no choice but to go ahead with nikah.

My husband gave me my haq mehr money on day of nikah. My mum told me this money was gifted to me to use as wedding money (nikah after party) so she took this whole money off me.

After marriage I told my parents that my husband wasnt interested in me. My mum told me it was my fault and I must be doing something wrong because I never wanted to marry him in the first place.

My husband made me leave my job which I had worked very hard for. I didnt want to. My parents said that my husband was earning enough money so I should quit. I lost my financial indepnedence.

I later found out my husband was in tens of thousands of pounds of debt. My parents said I had to support him.

I was about to leave home one day and my husband got a butchers knife and sliced his head open. Blood everywhere. He had to get his head stitched up. My parents said he did becaise he loved me and I should think myself lucky that he loves me so much.

Things got worse. My mum promised me that after sibling got married she would arrange for my divorce as a divorce would bring shame on my family. This was a lie and she didnt.

Thereon whenever id tell her about my problems she would just act as if she couldnt hear me. After that, she told me that she was fed up of my problems and that my other sibling never complained. Only I did so there is somnething is wrong with me.

Also, she never lets me visit her and always makes excuses. Though she lets my sibling visit. When I said its not fair she responded its her house and she can invite who she wants.

Recently another incident very serious incident happened and she again blamed me. I told her that I coulnt believe she was my mother as no mother would allow her daughter to suffer. I also said I resented that she compared me to my sibling because we are on differnt journeys. she said I was jealous of my sibling and that she wished that my children treat me how id treated her. She told me not to come to her funeral and I said I didnt want to anyway and left her house.

I rang her to apologise a few days later but told that id never visit her again as I don’t want to worry her with my probems. She hasnt rang me since and its been a month.

My father is terminally ill so I can’t share my problems with him.

Im sorry to say this but I absolutely hate my mum now more than I have hated anyone. She has destroyed my life. I married this man because of her and now that my life is in tatters she has left me to perish. I am so depressed I can’t function or eat. 

Also, as my mum wanted to prove to the world that shed made the right choice for my marriage, she made me lie to all my family and friends and not share my problems. They all think im so very happy.

I hate my mum even though I know its against Islam to say this. I cry every day because of the pain I feel. I have stopped praying. Please don’t tell me to pray because I don’t want to. I just want to cry. I feel a deep pain inside me that just wont go away. I hate my husband too. I don’t think my marriage is islamically valid. can I hold mum responsible for my depression and lack of sinverity in Islam? Will I get punished for hating my mum? I want to tell all my family the truth but I know that my mum will completely disown me and curse me for this. My mum said that if I tell anyone the truth she will never forgive me and pray that I rot in hell forever. I will not allow her to blackmail me with religion anymore.

I left my husband and am staying with a friend who guided me to this site. I have no money so im trying to figure out what to do goings forwards with my life. ive been out of work for more than a decade so getting back to work will be a challenge. I live in england. 

Please give a fair answer. please understand I am a human not a robot!

Where in England do you live? I want to speak to you on PM. You shouldn't be living like this, you've been through hell. Don't go back to your husband or your mum. I'll explain in a PM. Just trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

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I assume that you are a British Pakistani or an Indian. The problem with those communities, and not only them of course, is that their culturals norms tend to overtake Islam. Nobody can force you to marry as it goes against the Qur'an. An engagement may be arranged between families for their children, but Islamic requirements for a legal marriage include the requirement that both parties, bride, groom and guardian for the bride (wali), give their legal consent. A marriage without the consent of the bride or performed under coercion is illegal. So already at this point, your parents violated sharia law. And it gets worse. They can’t threaten you in any way. They can’t take your mahr, as it goes against the Qur'an as well. Mahr establishes the bride's financial independence from her parents and in many cases from her husband, who has no legal claims to his wife's mahr. 

Your husband concealed the fact that he is indebted, and as per sharia, he is solely responsible for his own debts acquired beforehand. You do not have to pay them off in any way. Because your situation is desperate, I would contact the office of the marja’ you do taqlid to, and seek an official Islamic divorce, or just go to the alim from outside of your ethnic community. One way or another, your nikah is most likely not even valid but this has to be established by the relevant authorities. We all are responsible for our individual sins on the judgment day, so will your parents. The thing you should do first and foremost is to seek a divorce. You have to live separated for months but in special circumstances the process can be sped up. As long as you are Islamically married, your husband is still your wali. Afterwards, it would be your father. You shouldn’t live all alone at any point. 

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On 5/2/2019 at 11:49 PM, Guest regret said:

I was a good student, a good Muslim and a good daugher. One day I had a rishta and without my permission my parents said yes. I told them that I didnt want to marry the man but my mum said she would die of a heart attack and her death would be my fault it if I didnt go ahead. My dad said that id be dead to him and my only other choice was to leave home and be disowned forever. I had no choice but to go ahead with nikah.

My husband gave me my haq mehr money on day of nikah. My mum told me this money was gifted to me to use as wedding money (nikah after party) so she took this whole money off me.

After marriage I told my parents that my husband wasnt interested in me. My mum told me it was my fault and I must be doing something wrong because I never wanted to marry him in the first place.

My husband made me leave my job which I had worked very hard for. I didnt want to. My parents said that my husband was earning enough money so I should quit. I lost my financial indepnedence.

I later found out my husband was in tens of thousands of pounds of debt. My parents said I had to support him.

I was about to leave home one day and my husband got a butchers knife and sliced his head open. Blood everywhere. He had to get his head stitched up. My parents said he did becaise he loved me and I should think myself lucky that he loves me so much.

Things got worse. My mum promised me that after sibling got married she would arrange for my divorce as a divorce would bring shame on my family. This was a lie and she didnt.

Thereon whenever id tell her about my problems she would just act as if she couldnt hear me. After that, she told me that she was fed up of my problems and that my other sibling never complained. Only I did so there is somnething is wrong with me.

Also, she never lets me visit her and always makes excuses. Though she lets my sibling visit. When I said its not fair she responded its her house and she can invite who she wants.

Recently another incident very serious incident happened and she again blamed me. I told her that I coulnt believe she was my mother as no mother would allow her daughter to suffer. I also said I resented that she compared me to my sibling because we are on differnt journeys. she said I was jealous of my sibling and that she wished that my children treat me how id treated her. She told me not to come to her funeral and I said I didnt want to anyway and left her house.

I rang her to apologise a few days later but told that id never visit her again as I don’t want to worry her with my probems. She hasnt rang me since and its been a month.

My father is terminally ill so I can’t share my problems with him.

Im sorry to say this but I absolutely hate my mum now more than I have hated anyone. She has destroyed my life. I married this man because of her and now that my life is in tatters she has left me to perish. I am so depressed I can’t function or eat. 

Also, as my mum wanted to prove to the world that shed made the right choice for my marriage, she made me lie to all my family and friends and not share my problems. They all think im so very happy.

I hate my mum even though I know its against Islam to say this. I cry every day because of the pain I feel. I have stopped praying. Please don’t tell me to pray because I don’t want to. I just want to cry. I feel a deep pain inside me that just wont go away. I hate my husband too. I don’t think my marriage is islamically valid. can I hold mum responsible for my depression and lack of sinverity in Islam? Will I get punished for hating my mum? I want to tell all my family the truth but I know that my mum will completely disown me and curse me for this. My mum said that if I tell anyone the truth she will never forgive me and pray that I rot in hell forever. I will not allow her to blackmail me with religion anymore.

I left my husband and am staying with a friend who guided me to this site. I have no money so im trying to figure out what to do goings forwards with my life. ive been out of work for more than a decade so getting back to work will be a challenge. I live in england. 

Please give a fair answer. please understand I am a human not a robot!

Salam alaikum,

I can't even imagine how much pain you are in right now, may Allah help you, this is such a serious problem and the fact that you've been this way for a decade is just so heartbreaking

I'm sorry about how your mum is treating you, and you shouldn't be criticised for hating her because for someone who has been treated that way by their own parent proves their hatred towards the child, like the fact that she refuses you to come to her house just shows what kind of mother she is. Some parents who use physical abuse towards their child say "we do this to you because we love you", BUT THATS JUST WRONG , they don't even know how to express their love. They think that it'll help the child in a way, but the reality is that it'll destroy their mental health.

Your mother has been brought up in a very conservative society, and it seems like she won't change her ways for a very long time. Parents don't like change, they're used to how they've been raised and think it'll benefit their children aswell.

Why did your husband slice his head to prove his love for you what kind of psychotic person would do that to "express their love" .

I understand it may be hard, but you seriously need to turn back to Allah. I get it that you're depressed, but right now you need His support.

And you need to open up, you can't just hide your pain because of fear from your mum, its not like Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) the Most Merciful will accept her cursing towards you, because you are the oppressed. You need to rant it all out and tell your family members how you're feeling, and let your mum do whatever she wants because she no longer has that control over you since you're an adult.

I hope things get better for you

Fee amanillah

 

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On 5/2/2019 at 9:51 PM, notme said:

Parents are human and make mistakes. It's best that you forgive her and try to keep contact with her. You are an adult, you make your own life choices now, but respect and love for parents benefits you too. 

If she won't speak with you, send her emails or letters occasionally, just for the sake of maintaining contact. You can only live your life, you can't control other people. 

Found the mom. (It's a joke)

 

For God's sake stop spreading this message. You'll be the reason for their unhappiness and even more distance from religion. 

 

For OP, PLEASE don’t GO BACK TO HER. Also, your husband has failed you. Just like your mother. You seem educated, enough that you previously had a job. Get back at it. (I'm hoping you already work since your husband was in debt? If not, find a way to save up money for rent. File for khula soon and leave the husband. He doesn't deserve you. 

You have this right for a reason. If you stay in this marriage, it'll cause you harm, it'll make things worse. I would even suggest counseling but it's not for free, so id suggest getting away from this whole situation first.  Also please take your siblings and other family members into confidence. 

I'm Hoping that they support you, but if they don't, forget them. If they won't respect your decision to save yourself they don't deserve respect from you. 

 

This is coming from a child of an abusive household. I tell my mom Everytime, if she'd left my dad when he showed signs of emotional and physical abuse when I was young (everything that I also witnessed) I wouldn't have ever questioned her decisions, knowing fully well how I used to scream as a 3 year old child to let my mother go when my father would do this. 

 I'm scared it might get abusive.  I'm hoping you have the courage, never forget there are other people who don't need to be blood family, but can become family. 

May Allah help you and give you courage (not sabr, because that gets you no where in situations like these. No one changes, not even after a lifetime).

 

 

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1 minute ago, Zellali said:

Found the mom. (It's a joke)

 

For God's sake stop spreading this message. You'll be the reason for their unhappiness and even more distance from religion. 

 

For OP, PLEASE don’t GO BACK TO HER. Also, your husband has failed you. Just like your mother. You seem educated, enough that you previously had a job. Get back at it. (I'm hoping you already work since your husband was in debt? If not, find a way to save up money for rent. File for khula soon and leave the husband. He doesn't deserve you. 

You have this right for a reason. If you stay in this marriage, it'll cause you harm, it'll make things worse. I would even suggest counseling but it's not for free, so id suggest getting away from this whole situation first.  Also please take your siblings and other family members into confidence. 

I'm Hoping that they support you, but if they don't, forget them. If they won't respect your decision to save yourself they don't deserve respect from you. 

 

This is coming from a child of an abusive household. I tell my mom Everytime, if she'd left my dad when he showed signs of emotional and physical abuse when I was young (everything that I also witnessed) I wouldn't have ever questioned her decisions, knowing fully well how I used to scream as a 3 year old child to let my mother go when my father would do this. 

 I'm scared it might get abusive.  I'm hoping you have the courage, never forget there are other people who don't need to be blood family, but can become family. 

May Allah help you and give you courage (not sabr, because that gets you no where in situations like these. No one changes, not even after a lifetime).

 

 

Sorry I didn't read the part about you leaving your husband. But I would strongly suggest you get away from them and get a khula.  

 

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Mmm..the South Asian traditions and their controlling parents.

I don’t know why you were asking your parents for divorce. You’re a grown woman. I mean your story is pretty complicated. But your parents can’t really force you to do something you don’t want

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2 hours ago, Zellali said:

For God's sake stop spreading this message. You'll be the reason for their unhappiness and even more distance from religion. 

You've misunderstood what I said. 

A toxic person should not be allowed to control another person's life, but that doesn't prevent the daughter from being kind to and maintaining some appropriate level of communication with her. She is an adult and must live her own life her own way, but cutting ties with parents, even bad ones, is strongly discouraged in Islam. The OP should distance herself only to the extent necessary to maintain her sanity and safety, not cut ties entirely. 

Edited by notme
Typo.

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45 minutes ago, notme said:

You've misunderstood what I said. 

A toxic person should not be allowed to control another person's life, but that doesn't prevent the daughter from being kind to and maintaining some appropriate level of communication with her. She is an adult and must live her own life hey own way, but cutting ties with parents, even bad ones, is strongly discouraged in Islam. The OP should distance herself only to the extent necessary to maintain hey sanity and safety, not cut ties entirely. 

What do you think? The mothers going to let it be like that? I strongly urge that she gets evidence of her mother's ugly side and shows it the rest of the family. If she doesn't cut ties, the grandmother won't hesitate to take over the kids and since OP is so distressed, she might succeed. 

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1 hour ago, Zellali said:

 What do you think? The mothers going to let it be like that?

Let it? Either she will accept it or she will not, but she has no control over what her adult daughter does. 

But then, I'm not from a culture in which women are brainwashed to obey and submit to the authority of everyone who tries to push them around. I was raised in a culture of individualism - perhaps I just can't relate to the extremes caused by inability to assert oneself in a rational and appropriate manner. 

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