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MasoomaZahra

18 Syeda Shi’a Muslim girl in a wheelchair looking to get married

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Guest ade

W/S

Sister, at 18 my advice to give you would be to try to excel in every area you can. What do you want to become, profession wise? Study hard, research future careers in depth, network, pursue as many interests and don't let any disability define you or your self-worth. It's not what you are, but what you do that defines you, and defines us all. 

In my view, men would be more open to the ides of marriage if someone demonstrated how despite their disability they had interests, pursued passions and had a life, which would do away with the unfortunate prejudice many have.

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5 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

I am in a wheelchair too and wonder the same thing, my advice to you is to not concern yourself with caste or culture, follow Islamic principles and Islam will reward those will be in our lives as our spouses.

I agree with you there. I mean to me as long as they are practicing Shi’a syeds I have no concern with caste or culture. To me religion with good character is all that matters and inshallah I hope you find a good spouse too xx 

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59 minutes ago, Guest ade said:

W/S

Sister, at 18 my advice to give you would be to try to excel in every area you can. What do you want to become, profession wise? Study hard, research future careers in depth, network, pursue as many interests and don't let any disability define you or your self-worth. It's not what you are, but what you do that defines you, and defines us all. 

In my view, men would be more open to the ides of marriage if someone demonstrated how despite their disability they had interests, pursued passions and had a life, which would do away with the unfortunate prejudice many have.

Yes I mean I agree that our careers are very important and I’m a hard working student currently doing her A levels and inshallah hoping to go to University next year. I want to pursue a career in the media industry to further expand representation of minority communities. I write Islamic poetry and teach in a Maddrassah on a Sunday. But there’s a longing inside of me that I can’t ignore, telling me to better myself through a life partner as marriage shouldn’t stop you from pursuing your dreams. Islam has heavily encouraged people to marry young and I think there’s many benefits. But yeah definitely I agree xx 

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Guest Ade
3 hours ago, MasoomaZahra said:

I agree with you there. I mean to me as long as they are practicing Shi’a syeds I have no concern with caste or culture. To me religion with good character is all that matters and inshallah I hope you find a good spouse too xx 

Why limit yourself to Syeds? The vast majority of Shias aren't, and those that might only be looking for Syedas may not be open minded as to who they should be marrying. 

3 hours ago, MasoomaZahra said:

Yes I mean I agree that our careers are very important and I’m a hard working student currently doing her A levels and inshallah hoping to go to University next year. I want to pursue a career in the media industry to further expand representation of minority communities. I write Islamic poetry and teach in a Maddrassah on a Sunday. But there’s a longing inside of me that I can’t ignore, telling me to better myself through a life partner as marriage shouldn’t stop you from pursuing your dreams. Islam has heavily encouraged people to marry young and I think there’s many benefits. But yeah definitely I agree xx 

You have every right to want what everyone wants. Keep working hard, and putting yourself out there (in a halal way). Insha Allah you get success. 

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4 hours ago, MasoomaZahra said:

I mean to me as long as they are practicing Shi’a syeds I have no concern with caste or culture.

No offense sister, but that's what I meant by focusing on caste, you shouldn't restrict yourself to marrying syeds. The blood or lineage hardly matters, taqwa, akhlaq and iman are far more important. I wish the best in you and your families' search for  a good spouse. 

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Guest Nasir Hussein A Surti

As salam wale kum ,

Kindly Note , this is a personal belief and inshallah you shall be out of your disability. for which we all shall pray for you. amma yojibul muztarra ijaza huwa yasre kussu.

Please recite DUA E MASHLOOL daily by downloading divine pearls from play store and read at duas section . DUA E MASHLOOL.

Pray to Allah in the sadka of PANJETAN E PAk , all Imams and Imam E ZAMAAN. Inshallah you shall be out of your disability cos I believe and am sure that you shall get married soon.

Refer to all dua and amaal in divine pearls and most importantly, Offer NAMAZ and recite Qur'an daily.

To Accept your amaal is by Allah and innumerable Salwat to the PANJETAN E PAK

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On 4/3/2019 at 12:14 AM, Guest Nasir Hussein A Surti said:

amma yojibul muztarra ijaza huwa yasre kussu.

Correction in your roman Arabic is needed, so I am quoting the Arabic text of the verse:

أَمَّن يُجِيبُ الْمُضْطَرَّ إِذَا دَعَاهُ وَيَكْشِفُ السُّوءَ 

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On 4/2/2019 at 2:38 PM, MasoomaZahra said:

But I’m a disabled person in a wheelchair and I often wonder if anyone would want to marry a girl like me.

Salam,

Try to get rid of this thinking that you're "Disabled". If you can't walk or stand on your legs, this is not the disability in my viewpoint. You can walk & stand with supports I hope and believe that you don't really need anyone's sympathy or support, you can live on your own and can take your burdens on your own. It is difficult but you need to learn that you are strong enough and can deal with the issues of what you call "disability". 

And yes, even I can marry a girl like you :) so don't worry about your wedding. A better suggestion for you is to entrust your affairs to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), He will take care of your affairs and how best He is in taking care of His servants!!! 

أُفَوِّضُ أَمْرِي إِلَى اللَّهِ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بَصِيرٌ بِالْعِبَادِ
( I entrust my affair to Allah, Surely Allah sees the servants.)

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Guest Observer

I don’t understand this infatuation in Indian and Pakistani culture with titles, we know from history that direct siblings of the Imams went against them and even tried to claim divinity and led people astray, so if anything should be proof about how blood lineage means nothing then this should be it, people need to let go of these egotistical ideas , cause thats all it is, just an egotistical idea that has nothing to do with nothing

your literally restricting and making your own life harder for nothing

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9 hours ago, Guest Ade said:

Why limit yourself to Syeds? The vast majority of Shias aren't, and those that might only be looking for Syedas may not be open minded as to who they should be marrying. 

Yes that’s also very true. I mean for me it doesn’t have much importance as long as my family agrees. I prefer to focus on good character and faith and I believe that Allah the Almighty chooses your spouse already so if He chooses someone for me who is a good kind Shi’a I would have no objections. Though it’s also sad within the Shi’a community the attitude towards those with disabilities when it comes to this with Syeds being narrow minded too. Xx 

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On 4/2/2019 at 10:28 PM, Gaius I. Caesar said:

No offense sister, but that's what I meant by focusing on caste, you shouldn't restrict yourself to marrying syeds. The blood or lineage hardly matters, taqwa, akhlaq and iman are far more important. I wish the best in you and your families' search for  a good spouse. 

Yes, no I understand completely and I definitely agree. I don’t want to place further restrictions than there already is on my future and these things are definitely more important. I wish the same for you sister iltemas e dua

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On 4/3/2019 at 12:14 AM, Guest Nasir Hussein A Surti said:

As salam wale kum ,

Kindly Note , this is a personal belief and inshallah you shall be out of your disability. for which we all shall pray for you. amma yojibul muztarra ijaza huwa yasre kussu.

Please recite DUA E MASHLOOL daily by downloading divine pearls from play store and read at duas section . DUA E MASHLOOL.

Pray to Allah in the sadka of PANJETAN E PAk , all Imams and Imam E ZAMAAN. Inshallah you shall be out of your disability cos I believe and am sure that you shall get married soon.

Refer to all dua and amaal in divine pearls and most importantly, Offer NAMAZ and recite Qur'an daily.

To Accept your amaal is by Allah and innumerable Salwat to the PANJETAN E PAK

JazakAllah thank you so much for suggesting so many amaals for me to do and inshallah I will definitely try my best to do them. But even though Allah the Almighty can cure those who he chooses and if it was his will to do so I will accept it but I accept that He has chosen to create me in this way as there is no cure currently for my condition just treatment and so I am happy in His will and mercy. He has given me more than I can imagine. I wouldn’t want to change who I am to find a good husband as this is a part of who I am. I pray through these Amaal that I can find someone who accepts me as I am. Thank you so much for your prayers iltemas e dua 

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On 4/3/2019 at 2:49 AM, Guest Observer said:

I don’t understand this infatuation in Indian and Pakistani culture with titles, we know from history that direct siblings of the Imams went against them and even tried to claim divinity and led people astray, so if anything should be proof about how blood lineage means nothing then this should be it, people need to let go of these egotistical ideas , cause thats all it is, just an egotistical idea that has nothing to do with nothing

your literally restricting and making your own life harder for nothing

Yes I understand and this is true. This is more of a preference of my family and I do not want to discriminate against anyone or anything like that or place restrictions on my future spouse. 

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18 hours ago, MasoomaZahra said:

Salaam I’m an 18 year old Shi’a Syeda and am looking to get married soon as Islam has encouraged the virtues of marriage and the Ahlul Bayt have emphasised the blessings of marriage especially that at a young age

I pray that Allah guides you to your perfect soulmate...InshAllah.

18 hours ago, MasoomaZahra said:

I’m a disabled person in a wheelchair and I often wonder if anyone would want to marry a girl like me.

Allah in his limitless love and mercy for you has created a perfect partner for you in the world. It is your inner self that will bring happiness to your marriage and not your outward qualities. When you do inshAllah meet him he will respect and appreciate you for your personality and have disregard for your disability. Whether you are in a wheelchair or not has no bearing on your mind, character or personality and that is where we truly exist as a person.

18 hours ago, MasoomaZahra said:

Whether I would add anything of value to my husband’s life.

A wheelchair has no effect on a relationship. Your mind is where love and affection are generated not in your legs. Your faith and piety come from your ability to choose what is right and wrong not from your ability to walk.  Being able to live a life of love and happiness is not determined by mobility but by you as a person.

Pardon me for being naive but are you able to bear children?

19 hours ago, MasoomaZahra said:

Whether Islam has said anything about this?

Islam places an importance on character and faith as the only true measure of a person. Mobility, race, phycical appearance are all labels which only serve to confuse a person in their search for a mate. At the end of the day it is how a person is on the inside which determines the happiness they not only feel themselves, but also for the happiness they bring to the lives of others.

19 hours ago, MasoomaZahra said:

Any advice would be appreciated JazakAllah 

May Allah quickly bring your perfect soulmate into your life. Be patient and don't rush into anything. You, in an ironic way, have a strange blessing on you. Your soulmate will be someone who is drawn to you based on your inner qualities so you'll know that you have someone who has a higher level of maturity since they value the things which should be valued. 

All the best to you !!!

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18 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

I am in a wheelchair too and wonder the same thing, my advice to you is to not concern yourself with caste or culture, follow Islamic principles and Islam will reward those will be in our lives as our spouses.

Further proof that we are only limited by the limitations that we place on our ourselves. The heart and mind are what truly matters, if those are in the right places then the sky's the limit. We are replete with examples such as @Gaius I. Caesar of how physical limitations can be put in their proper perspective through strength of character and faith.

Allah will never place an obstacle in front of us that we do not have the ability to overcome. That is his promise to us.

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On 4/3/2019 at 5:12 AM, MasoomaZahra said:

Aleikum salaam 

For me I have been disabled since birth so I don’t really have an issue with identifying as that word though I have been reminded multiple times to stop referring to myself as such. I can’t walk or stand at all as I have brittle bones which can break easily so though I haven’t tried walking with support there’s not a chance that I could currently do it but Allah the Almighty always makes people stronger and I pray inshallah He does the same for me. But yes I agree that I don’t need nor do I ask for anyone’s sympathy though I believe that the Shi’a community are a family and should always support each other which is why I appreciate the support of those around me. I can inshallah live on my own with some adaptations and support and I hope to try this when I go to uni next year. Yes inshallah I am strong enough and am learning everyday how to help myself live better. 

You might say that you can but it’s whether a person would want to. Disabled people find it harder to cook, clean, take care of themselves and others in a physical sense so what guy would want that life for himself. Where he has to help his wife a lot more. But yes our affairs are left with the Almighty. Iltemas e dua

Salam. It is refreshing to see a young believer with such blessed insight. I pray Allah grants you what you are looking for as marrying young is a truly noble aspiration. 

No doubt your disability will present certain obstacles but so far it has not stopped you in your educational pursuits. With reliance on God you will continue to achieve your goals. A career in media is indeed noble and sorely needed in our ummah, have you considered howza studies in addition?

If I can humbly offer my perspective. In my years of experience of working with complex disability I have seen countless young female wheelchair users find spouses and go on to bear children and raise a family. These families are every bit as loving and warm as any other. Often I find these families are especially resilient and content which is no doubt a characteristic passed on from the mother. 

I recently came across an irfani analysis of disability by Shaykh Sekaleshfar. This was truly a revolutionary moment for me in understanding Islam’s take on disability. I highly recommend exploring this as understanding how your pure natural spirit relates to your physical disability will be helpful. Disability is an integral part of your identity, there are divine secrets within this for you to discover inshallah. 

May Allah protect you.

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4 hours ago, Akbar673 said:

A wheelchair has no effect on a relationship. Your mind is where love and affection are generated not in your legs. Your faith and piety come from your ability to choose what is right and wrong not from your ability to walk.  Being able to live a life of love and happiness is not determined by mobility but by you as a person.

With all due respect, a disability that affects every aspect of life, will eventually affect relationships and how we interact with others. Not everyone can see the person sitting in the wheelchair, sometimes all they see or choose to see is the wheelchair, whether they be family, friends or strangers 

Also love and tenderness don't come from the mind, but from acceptance, mutual understanding and respect. Clearly, this is lacking in some parts of society. 

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8 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

With all due respect, a disability that affects every aspect of life, will eventually affect relationships and how we interact with others. Not everyone can see the person sitting in the wheelchair, sometimes all they see or choose to see is the wheelchair, whether they be family, friends or strangers. 

Very interesting to know. Thanks for sharing.

9 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Also love and tenderness don't come from the mind, but from acceptance, mutual understanding and respect.

but that was the original point I was trying to make...that meeting someone who understands who you are on the inside will only lead to a stronger relationship because the love and affection are growing from something more substantial than just outward appearance.

10 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Clearly, this is lacking in some parts of society. 

I wouldn't say just "some parts", I would dare say "almost all parts" of society unfortunately.

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On 4/3/2019 at 5:12 AM, MasoomaZahra said:

I can’t walk or stand at all as I have brittle bones which can break easily

May Almighty Lord grant you the shifa-e-kamila, May he pour patience & steadfastness on you. 

On 4/3/2019 at 5:12 AM, MasoomaZahra said:

You might say that you can but it’s whether a person would want to.

There indeed are some men who live their lives for helping & supporting others. Although your case is unique & difficult, but I am a positive thinker, so we really don't know what blissful delight, as yet hidden, awaits us.

فَلَا تَعْلَمُ نَفْسٌ مَّا أُخْفِيَ لَهُم مِّن قُرَّةِ أَعْيُنٍ

My prayers are with you, you're as beautiful and brave as your name!!! that's what I have understood from your posts.

Stay blessed. 

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:salam:

I became familiar with the brittle bones condition when I saw a few videos of Sparsh Shah, especially his appearance on TEDx. Though it seems like a challenging condition to live with, however, it also looks like people with these type of conditions often learn to adapt to their disabilities and are more comfortable with their lives than what others may think. I have a cousin who lost both of his arms above the elbow when he was a teenager, and he is one of the most athletic and talented persons I know in all of our family.

That being said, marriage is a very different ball game - it is a commitment and lifetime relationship. You yourself, first of all, would need to acknowledge the limitations you would have to face in a marriage, and your potential husband would also need to come to terms with these limitations and be sacrificial enough to commit to it. There are people with brittle bones who have married, perhaps you should read up on their experiences and see the types of challenges they have had to deal with, how they managed to do it - usually, people's stories & experiences are inspiring and motivating.

Given you are most likely from a Pakistani - Punjabi background, you also need to take certain other expectations into consideration. Your role will be that of a homemaker, a mother and wife - other than religious expectations from a wife, there are also cultural expectations that may be imposed upon you that you would need to be aware of. For example, can you cook and clean or will the husband be expected to do all that, are you capable of having children, etc. and most importantly, how limited will your bedroom life be (as that will have a huge impact on the possibility and as well as the success of your marriage). You don't need to address these on a public forum, but it is something you would need to be honest about with yourself and your potential husband.

PS - Coming from a similar cultural and ethnic background as you, the biggest mistake you can do is limit yourself to your own ethnicity and even worse, limiting it to a Sayyid.

Edited by Ibn al-Hussain

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It's really sad to see so many adult members who probably know about the realities of life, they are misleading this young girl. I am autistic, it's not a visible disability, I don't have to depend upon anyone, still I regularly receive hate because of this. People exploit your weaknesses. When I got married, I was fulfilling most responsibilities in my marriage, still my ex husband used my disability to his advantage as much as he could. He always acted like he did a huge favor by marrying me, he expected me to take care of most responsibilities in marriage (outside AND inside), and he had many affairs because he used ME to gain sympathy from women. Apparently, being married to me was a very big test, everyone especially women felt sorry for him, and tried to make him feel better. I was constantly told that I was ungrateful. Except for my parents, all other people, coworkers, siblings, cousins, people in ziyarat group literally act like they are doing me a favor by just allowing me to breathe and live my life. And I don't understand the reason for all the hate, If I was dependent upon them, I would understand the reason. If I am not depending upon them, why would you hate someone just because you believe they are less capable than you. Now I cannot find a job according to my qualifications. 

And people who tell you to live a normal like everyone else, they are wolf in sheep's clothing. I have dealt with such people, they won't bother a normal single person, but for some reason, I just need to do more than everyone else. While other people are allowed to live child free life, for some reason it's only MY obligation to have kids and raise them like  a single mother. I have noticed this recently, my co-worker who is even more disabled than me, I see people regularly yelling at him. Due to that, he has developed anger problems, and this gives people a reason to gang up on him. When watching from a neutral point of view, I was able to see clearly that when I have fights with my family, how much is my fault and why does everyone turns against me. There are two extremes: some people won't give me an entry level job, believing I cannot do it, while other people constantly push me and tell me that I have to achieve more than normal people to prove that I deserve to live. Remember Nazis killed all the disabled people, and I am seeing the same kind of hate from some people now. They hate disabled people just because they are disabled. No other reason, just because they believe that disability is a kind of punishment for sins. I especially hate the people who push me to do things, while acting like they are encouraging me. Sometimes, it looks like they just want to see me fail and want me to commit suicide, because they don't want to kill me (they would end up in jail). 

I cannot emphasize this enough, be very careful. People who look all sympathetic, and say that disability doesn't matter to me, they have ulterior motives. Your goal should be survival only. I earn enough money to live independently, I can cook and clean for myself, so I am not really dependent upon anyone. But the responsibilities which are expectations of society and culture, I cannot fulfill them, and because of that, I am considered a burden. Like the above poster mentioned, in our culture, women have a  lot more responsibilities than the responsibilities given by Islam in marriage. And you will be living among cultural Muslims. You will probably meet only 1 or 2 Muslims in real life who won't judge you because of your disability.  People have made it very clear that I don't deserve anything. I mentioned how my life partner treated me, even any money which I earn, I sometimes feel like I have to give half of that money to other people. If my parents weren't around to protect me, I would be living a life of a slave, literally a slave to my sister or some other stranger. That's why I don't care about all the lectures people give me about my obligations, my only goal is to survive. 

You have a weakness, people will exploit this weakness as much as they want. It has become so common that now it seems like people think there's nothing wrong with it. It's perfectly moral to exploit someone's weakness. Your only goal should be to be independent, you don't owe any more to any one. People are so cruel, whenever I try to mention that I cannot do something because of my autism, they always see it as an excuse. Or they constantly tell me to get cured, or tell me that a Shia cannot be autistic, Shias can perform miracles, so I should be like everyone else. I am so frustrated with always trying to prove that I am good enough. I don't even want to "Cure". If I am not dependent upon anyone, then I don't understand why people have a problem with my autism? I think I am more honest, more modest than non-autistic people and they are valuable qualities. There should be some people with these qualities in society. Like I mentioned earlier, even if you are smart and good in studies, even then there's no guarantee that you will  be able to get a good job. It depends upon your co-workers, how God fearing and honest they are, whether they want to give you credit for your work or not. In today's world, it's hard to find even people who are willing to hire you, forget about finding a life partner who will be honest and kind and will give you respect and credit for your contributions to the marriage. @MasoomaZahra You probably don't realize all this because you are young, and everyone is treating you like a child. When you get married, or you start working, you will be considered an adult and then you will see the real faces of people. 

 

Edited by rkazmi33

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On 4/2/2019 at 3:38 PM, MasoomaZahra said:

Salaam I’m an 18 year old Shi’a Syeda and am looking to get married soon as Islam has encouraged the virtues of marriage and the Ahlul Bayt have emphasised the blessings of marriage especially that at a young age. But I’m a disabled person in a wheelchair and I often wonder if anyone would want to marry a girl like me. Whether I would add anything of value to my husband’s life. Whether Islam has said anything about this? Any advice would be appreciated JazakAllah 

Salam

It is really going to come down to your mentality and level of knowledge, I like to cultivate value in the other person. Although the wheel chair may inhibit in some ways you can make it happen. I am curious about the nature of the disability...

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