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In the Name of God بسم الله
Islandsandmirrors

At the brink of an emotional meltdown

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3 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

until the other home they have gets fixed up. 

Are your parents offering to let you live in this other home that they own? Why can't you live there while the work continues?

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Just now, notme said:

Are your parents offering to let you live in this other home that they own? Why can't you live there while the work continues?

Yes, they are. I've tried telling them that we can get it done while we live there, but they have refused. Saying that it needs to be finished and blah blah blah. I don't even have the keys to the house and they refuse to give us the copy. 

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3 minutes ago, notme said:

Well you and your husband are adults, and if you need to move out, you should. If your parents want to do this thing for you, let you live rent free, that's nice of them, but they also need to be aware of your need for privacy and to be able to relax at home. 

Exactly. I've been trying to talk with them about it. But they just don't want to think about our need for privacy and think we should just be grateful and adapt. 

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6 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

At this point in time,  they are being extremely unreasonable and I find it upsetting  that they won't come to terms with privacy. That's pretty serious, it's a sin to walk on an intimate moment if not mistaken. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

They leave us alone when we are in our room, but in general, they are always around and won't just leave. Very constricting. 

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May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) make it easy for you, this is just so sad and frustrating 

it annoys me how a lot of parents aren’t open minded about these things especially when it comes to marriage.

Honestly my advice to you and your husband is that youse both search for a flat or apartment without them knowing. And once you do, pack your things and tell them. Let them shout and do whatever they want, they no longer have that control over you because you’re a married woman and have the right to leave the house with your husband into a more private space.

insha Allah everything goes well and please find an apartment as soon as possible so that you can get out of this mess. You and your husband don’t deserve all of this 

fee amanillah

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12 hours ago, Reza said:

What’s holding up the repairs on the other house? What has to be done?

New furniture and new paint in the rooms. And now that it’s done, we are just waiting at this point. (It got done last week.)

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12 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

New furniture and new paint in the rooms. And now that it’s done, we are just waiting at this point. (It got done last week.)

Are there any requirements from the locality for inspections before it can be lived in? If not, I can't help but wonder whether your parents really want you to live there. It is possible that they are content to keep you living in their house.  

There are kind deeds (allowing an adult child to live rent-free) and then there is controlling behavior (coercing an adult child to live with them), and often the two overlap. 

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FIVE science classes? Oh heck no wonder why you about to explode....see if you guys can get a motel room every other day for privacy. Otherwise if your parents are nice enough to let you live in the other house you might as welll suck it up a little longer. 

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Don't know how much longer this will be going on but if you are being kept out because of painting - that sounds odd to me.

It is understandable that your parents feel they are helping and you should be grateful, but ultimately nothing is ever free.  Everything always exacts a price of some kind. Maybe the kind of which sister Notme has alluded.

Anyway, it sounds like you are staying; otherwise, you would have left by now. 

One thing to focus on: Your parents have complained about you being untidy.  Again understandable, as we all feel that our own disarray creates a homey and comfortable space, but when it is someone else’s, it is just an eyesore.  I would pack away anything that you don’t need so you are not tripping over it and constantly picking it up. Have only the bare minimum out.  Keep it simple and super tidy.  Do whatever you can to lessen any potential strain on your part.  

Spend as much time as possible outside of the house - and I don't mean doing a comprehensive tour of local restaurants!!  The weather is getting better. It would be great if you have bicycles, but, if not, at least go on walks together - good for losing weight, improving mental outlook and strengthening your relationship.  You might even meet another couple doing the same thing.  Expand your personal life (and focus) beyond your parents house so it has less impact on you.  

Edited by Maryaam

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Occupancy permit. It's called an occupancy permit. I was drawing a blank on the name. That would be a reason for them to not let you move in yet. Ask about that. 

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What I don't understand is that you are living in your parents house, and yet you are nagging at them to finish their other house?

I don't mean to be harsh, but they are already welcoming you in their house. Basically you are a guest. I don't mean to be mean, but if you want privacy, rent an apartment. If rent is high and you can't afford it, either you and your husband have to work things out money wise to find an apartment, or you have to accept your parents rules in their own house. I understand they promised it'll take 2 months to fix their second home, but both homes are theirs, and it seems from the way you are speaking you want to kick your parents out from their own house to get privacy.

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5 minutes ago, BowTie said:

I understand they promised it'll take 2 months to fix their second home, but both homes are theirs, and it seems from the way you are speaking you want to kick your parents out from their own house to get privacy.

I think it would be more understandable if there was a firm deadline for the repairs, rather than it being wishy washy and constantly kicked down the road.

Married couples have a right to privacy. Where does she say she wants to kick her parents out of the house? 

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15 minutes ago, Reza said:

I think it would be more understandable if there was a firm deadline for the repairs, rather than it being wishy washy and constantly kicked down the road.

Married couples have a right to privacy. Where does she say she wants to kick her parents out of the house? 

She said she got into a nasty argument with her parents that they have been waiting and they need their privacy, but yet they are living in her parents house.

I'm not judging anyone but its not a logical situation at all. If anything they should be trying to make ends meet, rather than being reliant on parents. Thats the purpose of marriage isn't it? But when parents are helping out their son/daughter and their partner. Thats nice of them, because when your children are married, they become guests in your household.

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13 minutes ago, BowTie said:

She said she got into a nasty argument with her parents that they have been waiting and they need their privacy, but yet they are living in her parents house.

I'm not judging anyone but its not a logical situation at all. If anything they should be trying to make ends meet, rather than being reliant on parents. Thats the purpose of marriage isn't it? But when parents are helping out their son/daughter and their partner. Thats nice of them, because when your children are married, they become guests in your household.

Most married couples want to be financially independent and live away from parents. Ultimately, arrangements like these are temporary. 

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16 minutes ago, Reza said:

Most married couples want to be financially independent and live away from parents. Ultimately, arrangements like these are temporary. 

Exactly my friend. This situation is an arraignment. Also called being a guests at your parents house. And when you are a guest somewhere, and you feel uncomfortable, you move out rather than telling the owners of the house "its your time to move out" 

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2 minutes ago, BowTie said:

ather than telling the owners of the house "its your time to move out

I never said this. I said that they gave us a deadline, which was 2 months. 7 months is unacceptable, but it’s fine because inshallah we will be moving this weekend. 

You tell me if you can survive living at your parents’ home for 7 months as a married couple and let’s see how you’d feel by the end of the week. 

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34 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

I never said this. I said that they gave us a deadline, which was 2 months. 7 months is unacceptable, but it’s fine because inshallah we will be moving this weekend. 

You're still speaking as if they are staying at your house.

Quote

You tell me if you can survive living at your parents’ home for 7 months as a married couple and let’s see how you’d feel by the end of the week. 

 

If my parents were making me a favor by letting me stay at their house because I couldn't afford renting a place, I would feel grateful, and I would lay low on their annoying habits. I am not saying you don't have the right to be frustrated.  

You're acting as if they have forced you to move in with them. But you are stating things like you are getting into nasty arguments with them, and your husband is talking to your father, and that your husband is giving them a chance till the end of the month and you will watch them fail a promise. The whole thread is full of feeling entitled and its pretty narcissistic.

I would personally have a talk with my significant other if I were you because I think you are also being pressured by your husband which is making you resent your parents. While frankly, its not their job to give you shelter, its his duty.

Edited by BowTie

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56 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

You tell me if you can survive living at your parents’ home for 7 months as a married couple and let’s see how you’d feel by the end of the week. 

I go visit my folks for a few days each year, and it takes a month or more to recover. They're great, it's just stressful being in someone else's house and there always being people around. 

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4 hours ago, BowTie said:

my parents were making me a favor by letting me stay at their house because I couldn't afford renting a place, I would feel grateful, and I would lay low on their annoying habits. I am not saying you don't have the right to be frustrated.  

 

They kind of pressured us to move in with them. Although the rent went up, it’s not like we couldn’t afford it. It would have made a huge dent, but we would have been fine. We were fine with the higher rent but they kept saying that paying that high of a rent wasn’t worth it. There are other things that are going on that I don’t want to explain because it’s the internet, and I would like to remain anonymous. 

4 hours ago, BowTie said:

You're still speaking as if they are staying at your house

How so? 

Imagine you’ve been told that you’re temporarily moving back in with your parents and you’re given a time frame. Then things get pushed back, and when you want to leave, they guilt trip you a bit and say that you’re ungrateful looking to move and why don’t you want to stay, etc., etc. Forgetting that you two are married. Not boyfriend and girlfriend. Not engaged. Married. 

4 hours ago, BowTie said:

u're acting as if they have forced you to move in with them. But you are stating things like you are getting into nasty arguments with them, and your husband is talking to your father, and that your husband is giving them a chance till the end of the month and you will watch them fail a promise. The whole thread is full of feeling entitled and its pretty narcissistic.

I would personally have a talk with my significant other if I were you because I think you are also being pressured by your husband which is making you resent your parents. While frankly, its not their job to give you shelter, its his duty.

They pressured us, yes. They kept saying that we should as a way to save a couple of month’s rent. That this and that. We resisted until we decided that 2 months would be fine. Had we had known it would have taken as long as it has, we would never agreed to this kind of arrangement. 

I said that we need our space as a married couple. It’s impossible to be intimate when people are in the house and it’s extremely uncomfortable. It’s not healthy for a couple to live with their parents or in-laws. I don’t know why you keep defending them. Especially as a newly wed couple when you’re just starting to adjust to each other and then thrust into a stifling environment. That was our endless argument. I wanted us to move out to an apartment by month 3, (when nothing in the house had been done and I thought at least renting/moving into an apartment would be better than nothing.) and they kept insisting that things were going to get done and that we should stay. 

Of course I got angry when they hadn’t gotten anything done after 3 months and they wouldn’t even give us the copy of the house key so we could get things moving in. We are not a bunch of teenagers. We are adults. And when we wanted to get our own place, we were told that it’s all going to be done soon but that was only to shut us up.

 It’s fine if things don’t get done on time. The problem is when you insist that it will be done within a short time frame and insist on a couple to move in when it likely won’t be that short of a time span. That they won’t stop nagging until you do what they want.  I’d be less angry if they said that there would be no time limits on when things would be done. I’m more than understanding. But when we move in and by month 3 only things start to get done when you push for it, that’s what is aggravating. It’s very misleading. It’s not like they were taking the entire 7 months to get everything done.

And what’s wrong with my husband suggesting that we find our own apartment if things don’t get done? We can’t keep waiting around forever. And no, my husband was not pressuring me. It was mostly me pressuring him and by month 5, my husband started to get worn out and we have stopped being intimate because we are both very uncomfortable. (And my husband never complains. So when he does, it’s serious. When he does complain, it’s very soft-spoken and he does not showing a lot of emotion unlike me.) 

I wanted to move into our own apartment by month 3, because at least it’d be our own place and we would have privacy, but he preferred us to stay and my parents convinced us to stay as well. (But my husband didn’t even think that it would take this long.) Overall, you’ve misunderstood my post. 

 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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On 4/5/2019 at 1:07 AM, Islandsandmirrors said:

They kind of pressured us to move in with them. Although the rent went up, it’s not like we couldn’t afford it. It would have made a huge dent, but we would have been fine. We were fine with the higher rent but they kept saying that paying that high of a rent wasn’t worth it. There are other things that are going on that I don’t want to explain because it’s the internet, and I would like to remain anonymous. 

You were put in a dilemma. But you chose the option. No one can force or pressure you. You're a married couple and adults.

Quote

How so? 

Imagine you’ve been told that you’re temporarily moving back in with your parents and you’re given a time frame. Then things get pushed back, and when you want to leave, they guilt trip you a bit and say that you’re ungrateful looking to move and why don’t you want to stay, etc., etc. Forgetting that you two are married. Not boyfriend and girlfriend. Not engaged. Married. 

I don't think the reason you stayed in their house is because they would guilt trip you. The best thing to reach a solution is to be honest with yourself.

Quote

They pressured us, yes. They kept saying that we should as a way to save a couple of month’s rent. That this and that. We resisted until we decided that 2 months would be fine. Had we had known it would have taken as long as it has, we would never agreed to this kind of arrangement. 

Again no one can pressure you or force you to move in somewhere. Both of you are mature adults, thats the reason why you got married. Everything is in your hands.

Quote

I said that we need our space as a married couple. It’s impossible to be intimate when people are in the house and it’s extremely uncomfortable. It’s not healthy for a couple to live with their parents or in-laws. I don’t know why you keep defending them. Especially as a newly wed couple when you’re just starting to adjust to each other and then thrust into a stifling environment. That was our endless argument. I wanted us to move out to an apartment by month 3, (when nothing in the house had been done and I thought at least renting/moving into an apartment would be better than nothing.) 

You should have thought about that before moving in with them :verryhappy:

Quote

and they kept insisting that things were going to get done and that we should stay. 

 

You are old enough to get married, you make your own choices. Parents can't insist anymore, and when you are married, especially as a woman, you don't follow your parents orders anymore. You have a husband, you have a family of your own.

I think you are lost between saving money, and having your parents authority over you.

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On 4/5/2019 at 7:36 AM, BowTie said:

I don't think the reason you stayed in their house is because they would guilt trip you. The best thing to reach a solution is to be honest with yourself.

Quote

Yes they did. We could have afforded the apartment, but they said it wasn't worth paying the rent. 

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Update:

I told my dad that we are getting our own apartment because we don't want to wait on the house, so we are moving things today and tomorrow to the house since I guess he doesn't want us to rent an apartment. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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14 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Update:

I told my dad that we are getting our own apartment because we don't want to wait on the house, so we are moving things today and tomorrow to the house since I guess he doesn't want us to rent an apartment. 

Hmm. Sounds like the house could have been moved in to at any time. If all that's left is some painting, keep most of your stuff boxed that will live in the rooms that are awaiting paint. How feasible would it be for you and your husband to do the remaining work yourselves so it gets done on your schedule? (Maybe not at all feasible if you're both very busy!)

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