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In the Name of God بسم الله

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Hello I’ve been practicing Shia Islam for a few years. I am far from perfect and do a lot of bad deeds and it’s on my mind a lot but I am a good person with a pure heart and have a close relationship with God behind doors. He talks to me through different signs and I’m blessed to understand them. I’m married with a baby but I want to divorce my husband. I love him very much and the thought of my life without him is painful but I have a problem where I hate my image and he’s making that worse. He tells me he loves me and he’s happy with my appearance but when he goes out he has sneaky looks and women which is so hurtful and insulting to me and when I confront him he Denys it and says I’m crazy. It’s really getting me down and affecting me from getting closer to Islam. He’s the only person in the world that has the power to make me crazy. Probably because of the love I have for him. How can I get divorced?

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No offense sister, but you have just described 90% of the men on Shiachat :confused: (90 % of the married ones) 

Even for the other 10% this happens occasionally, it is a reflex action. That is why there are many hadiths saying that the first look is not a sin because it is part of instinct (something hard wired into the brain which you have no control over). The second and subsequent looks are a sin because they are under the person's control. This is something that most men who are trying to obey Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) struggle with, especially in societies where most of us live that are filled to overflowing with this sort of imagery. It probably has very little to do with how you look. So I think you are looking at the issue from a wrong perspective. 

I am not saying it is right what he is doing, but this is not a valid reason for divorce. 

If it offends you, you should share your feelings with him in a calm way, and maybe he will consider this and start to change, but you should work on this problem as couple and not immediately go toward divorce. 

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I know everyone knows it’s haram and greedy and God will deal with them but I can’t be bothered to be with someone who does this all the time infront of their wife and child. Cheating always starts this way as evil can become greater if you do it to begin with. I’m so faithful I don’t deserve that when I know people who are very happy with each other and don’t care about anyone else. They tell me to find someone else. 

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So you accuse him of looking at strangers, and he denies it? 

Is there a possibility that your feelings about your appearance are causing you to be more sensitive to this than would be normal?

Definitely this isn't reason to divorce, especially if all else is fine and you have a child. Is there more to this story than you have revealed? As-is, it sounds a bit overblown. 

Is it possible for you to take steps to improve how you feel about your appearance, for example getting a new hairstyle or joining a gym to improve your physical fitness? 

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Men will always look at women.Some are better at hiding it at than others. Some might not admit it but they do.It is very hard for them to not notice attractive women around them. This doesn't mean they find their wife unattractive or they are planning to cheat on her. It's a normal male trait. So throw the divorce option out of the window this very minute.

Edited by starlight

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I think you should change your view of life, your words and the problem that you mentioned is not normal
so trace your problem in other things 

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Yes of course there is more to it. I know I sound like a crazy person from stating one thing but it goes a bit deeper than this. I wish I didn’t bother posting anything now as I’m just feeling worse. 

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3 minutes ago, Mrs Halaibi said:

Yes of course there is more to it. I know I sound like a crazy person from stating one thing but it goes a bit deeper than this. I wish I didn’t bother posting anything now as I’m just feeling worse. 

We can only provide advice based on the information you share with us. Obviously you should do what is right for your family. You know your entire situation, we don't. 

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15 minutes ago, Mrs Halaibi said:

Yes of course there is more to it. I know I sound like a crazy person from stating one thing but it goes a bit deeper than this. I wish I didn’t bother posting anything now as I’m just feeling worse. 

your not crazy person, your mind mixed some thoughts,
I suggest you control your thoughts by some Islamic or medicine remedy
there are Islamic ways and also you can visit psychiatrist counseling
if you want Islamic way we will help you

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1 hour ago, Mrs Halaibi said:

Yes of course there is more to it. I know I sound like a crazy person from stating one thing but it goes a bit deeper than this. I wish I didn’t bother posting anything now as I’m just feeling worse. 

 
Sometimes when we are triggered by something someone says (in this case posters), it is because it hits close to home and we become irritated and anxious as it is scary.   We want the "emotionally safer”, quick fix - AND, often, we want the no-opposition validation for that quick fix.
 
Instead… Self-examine what comprises your discomfort.  All you have identified is that you feel bad about your "image" and that this feeling is made worse when your husband glances at other women. 
 
Image problems are complex and long-standing and there are no simple one-size-fits-all measures that you can take to effectively address them.  Not sure what your husband does or does not do in public, but first tackle issues that you have personal control over; that means start with yourself. 
 
We often need help to identify deep seated issues and then even more help to organize and prioritize how to address them.  Find an experienced, trained therapist to help you with this even though it may feel uncomfortable and overwhelming at first.  To want to end a marriage with a loving husband and a new baby says a lot about how confused and hurt you are.  However, you have a responsibility not just to your own life but to their lives as well. So, it is important to put time and energy into being emotionally and mentally fit - so you can see things clearly enough to be able to make constructive decisions.

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Thank you Maryam.. I have a bad hurtful past that my husband is aware of. And I know it’s mostly down to me. I know God is testing me and I have to learn to love myself first and that is what God wants me to do. I think when I’m having a bad day  with myself perhaps Im reading it wrong. I know men have told me before sometimes a second or third look out of shock. I know my husband would hate to lose me. I needn’t to learn to love myself. Thank you.

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I also missed off my first post should I get divorced? Not that it matters now because I do know it’s not the right thing to do. I’ve realised that not everyone wants to hurt me like my past and I have to work on myself and my confidence then I will probably look back at this moment and see how I was probably reading his body language wrong as I was having a bad day. He doesn’t even watch porn since the first day he met me many years ago and he doesn’t even want another wife. So you’re right I should see a therapist about my image problem as it’s taking over my life and making me feel suicidal at times. Thank you. 

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11 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

That is why there are many hadiths saying that the first look is not a sin because it is part of instinct (something hard wired into the brain which you have no control over). The second and subsequent looks are a sin because they are under the person's control.

That's why I never look away. You gotta make the first look count.

Edited by abdulhamid

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10 hours ago, starlight said:

Men will always look at women.Some are better at hiding it at than others. Some might not admit it but they do.It is very hard for them to not notice attractive women around them. This doesn't mean they find their wife unattractive or they are planning to cheat on her. It's a normal male trait. So throw the divorce option out of the window this very minute.

I’m not usually one to agree with you. But I do agree with you on this.

OP: men appreciate beauty. Women appreciate beauty (in men). There’s nothing wrong with this. If he was making advances toward other women, in private or in public, then that’d be a very valid reason to divorce because that’d involve cheating. Just because a man looks, it doesn’t mean that he will or is cheating.

I’m thinking that you perhaps might feel insecure in your looks at the moment, so do something to make yourself feel better. You mentioned you have a baby. Babies, I would assume, take a lot of energy to raise, and after babies, many women need pick-me-ups to get their confidence and mojo back. 

Book a day at the spa, get a new haircut, join a book club, spend time to rejuvenate. Sometimes you need to get away to clear your head. Once you’re feeling confident in yourself, then you can start analyzing about wether or not divorce is the right option for you. If there are more serious problems with your spouse, like abuse and gaslighting, then I’d understand.

But for right now, you need to focus on yourself. Find confidence within yourself. Establish a relationship with yourself. Nourish, and nurture yourself. Then you’d feel better once you and your husband spend time together. 

I don’t think divorce is the right option for you at this moment. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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15 hours ago, Mrs Halaibi said:

Hello I’ve been practicing Shia Islam for a few years. I am far from perfect and do a lot of bad deeds and it’s on my mind a lot but I am a good person with a pure heart and have a close relationship with God behind doors. He talks to me through different signs and I’m blessed to understand them. I’m married with a baby but I want to divorce my husband. I love him very much and the thought of my life without him is painful but I have a problem where I hate my image and he’s making that worse. He tells me he loves me and he’s happy with my appearance but when he goes out he has sneaky looks and women which is so hurtful and insulting to me and when I confront him he Denys it and says I’m crazy. It’s really getting me down and affecting me from getting closer to Islam. He’s the only person in the world that has the power to make me crazy. Probably because of the love I have for him. How can I get divorced?

Hello, please don’t take offence from this, and I am not judging you in any way. Just my opinion:

You and your husband must both be far from perfect. It sounds like you have a very big problem communicating with each other and have built up lots of hate and anger and have not been addressing the issues together.

You have a good relationship with God behind doors and you are blessed to understand them, I am not doubting this, as Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) has love for all his creation and wants us all to have a good relationship with him. He also wants us to have a good relationship with our loved ones.

Your husband is a human being, he may or may not have a relationship with Allah, and he might not be blessed like you to understand his lords communication. This is something you should be helping him with, if you and your husband were to pray to Allah together and have duas for things you both want in your life and your relationship, it will naturally bring you closer to your lord and each other. It will also show you both the commitment you have for each other by laying your feelings out honestly.

You both chose to marry each other and have bought a child into this world, you say you love him very much and your life will be very painful without him, but then have this problem with your image and say he’s making it worse..

It sounds like you put all your energy into watching your husband have sneaky looks at other women and then feel more and more insecure about yourself and your looks. You need to tell your husband he is making you feel this way and it’s having an affect on the love and trust for him. If you don’t communicate problems like this to your other half properly, it will make you hate him. When one person hates another, they will detect that hate and start to hate you back.

If your husband loves you like you say he does and you were communicating clearly how you feel with him, I’m sure he would make effort to not look at other women and it would make you feel better knowing he has made that effort because of his love and commitment to you.

If he doesn’t know how much of a problem it is for you, he can’t work on fixing it and when you confront him he will deny it to protect himself and from hurting you. 

It sounds like he doesn’t know it is making you feel suicidal and that it’s stopping you getting closer to Islam.

You probably both don’t appreciate each other’s love because of the pain and hurt you have caused each other. Time apart can cure this, as sometimes we don’t know what we’ve got till it’s gone, but communicating is very important during this time apart though. If your not addressing the real issues and you hate each other, neither of you will be able to forgive and forget during the time apart, your love will weaken and hate will grow stronger. 

Divorce is not the answer, especially if you both still love each other. You know yourself what is right and what is wrong, listen to your heart and not what other people think. You could go find someone else, but this other “human being” maybe worse and you might hate yourself even more for leaving the one you loved.

Talk to your husband and tell him that he makes you want to divorce him and you feel suicidal because of the pain he’s causing you. I’m sure it will be a shock to him and he will work with you to fix it.

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