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Guest abd of Hussain

Middle aged man wants to marry my daughter

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Guest abd of Hussain

I received a marriage proposition for my 22 old girl from a 42 year old! He is just 5 years my junior. I am quite shocked and totally confused for what reason does he want to marry my dear young daughter. He met her at some community events. This is so freaking weird!! She doesn't know about the proposal and I don't have the slightest idea what to try and tell her. He looks 15 years more youthful  than his age and is smart, religious and rich and not married before. I never before knew he was so old!! He said it's good genes or something. It's a dilemma, since I think he is a good guy however I am stunned at the age difference and what will people say? They will talk about us and criticize me and laugh at me. I am concerned he has done a lot more in life than her. The guy has about 3 businesses and a dam phd too. I honestly and truly feel like saying no because this age difference is creepy ... but I get this annoying feeling that he is too good to reject easily ... help!!!

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Excuse me for saying this (and Allah forgive me if I am wrong) but "religious and rich" sounds to me as an oxymoron. If you are rich you thoughts are in dunya. If you are religious you thoughts are in akhira. Maybe one of the things is not true about him.
I think your responsibility as a father is to do what is good for your daughter. Not so much what is personally good for you, what people say or how rich your son in law will be.
Age difference could be creepy, but doesn't need to be. Youthful, rich and not married before sounds like red flags to me.

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Guest abd of Hussain
30 minutes ago, notme said:

What does your daughter think of him? That's what's really important. 

I didn't realize they were acquainted. I haven't spoken to her however she probably believes he is 29 like I did. She is a religious young lady yet I believe her choices will be blinded by feelings and giggly desires on the off chance that she likes him. I need to be the guarding watchman before I let her know. I will decide if it is good for her and our reputation before I agree to tell her. It feels so yucky for him to like a girl 20 years younger. Too many times I think he is using his wealth to get a young wife like those celebs do. He is very much into Islam but doesn't do taqleed so that puts me off.

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29 minutes ago, Guest abd of Hussain said:

I didn't realize they were acquainted. I haven't spoken to her however she probably believes he is 29 like I did. She is a religious young lady yet I believe her choices will be blinded by feelings and giggly desires on the off chance that she likes him. I need to be the guarding watchman before I let her know. I will decide if it is good for her and our reputation before I agree to tell her. It feels so yucky for him to like a girl 20 years younger. Too many times I think he is using his wealth to get a young wife like those celebs do. He is very much into Islam but doesn't do taqleed so that puts me off.

With all due respect I think you should forget about all his worldly achievements and his wealth etc. Yes, the age difference is a bit much, but at the end of the day, you should do whatever is in the best interests of your daughter. If she likes this guy, maybe it's a good idea to let her get to know him more, if not, she wont marry him.

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3 hours ago, Guest abd of Hussain said:

I didn't realize they were acquainted. I haven't spoken to her however she probably believes he is 29 like I did. She is a religious young lady yet I believe her choices will be blinded by feelings and giggly desires on the off chance that she likes him. I need to be the guarding watchman before I let her know. I will decide if it is good for her and our reputation before I agree to tell her. It feels so yucky for him to like a girl 20 years younger. Too many times I think he is using his wealth to get a young wife like those celebs do. He is very much into Islam but doesn't do taqleed so that puts me off.

Ok without naming names, ask her how she feels about the idea of marrying a significantly older man. If she's averse to the idea reject him. 

Or if it's just too strange for you to consider having a son in law who is nearly your age, reject him. 

His wealth and profession are not nearly so important as him being a good person and a good Muslim. 

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Guest Guest-Reply-er

Dear OP: my biggest concern would not be if he is 42 and she is 22.

I would be most concerned about:

1. His past, how many halal and haram relationships he had 

2. Any divorces 

3. Health issues 

4. How he earned his wealth

5. How is he with his parents and family, a real red flag would be if he is not close to them 

6. How may siblings, and who is the real influencer in his life, some people mess others in very wrong ways

7. Any mental health issues in the past

8. Would he be ok to have kids, near future or distant future

9. Once we are past our ‘romantic’ age, it’s very very hard to modify ourselves for our partner in bed. Expect a lots of incompatibility issues and expectation that your daughter would have to modify 90% of her things, he will be willing to step in only 10% if he would. It’s just the way we humans are.

10. Truth is, your social circle would be mad at you, reticule you, would call your daughter and your family gold diggers or desperate, and would keep calling it till the new couple would have kids and would live a happy, drama free, respectable life. God forbid, if things go south after marriage, then the society scorns would double up, and you and your wife would be standing alone getting the blame from your society, relatives, and your daughter too. So like any marriage, it’s a gamble. 

That said, marriages of this much or more age difference are neither abnormal nor particular to any culture. They happen anywhere in the world. My aunt married a widower (or was married to a widower, it was an arranged marriage) of 22 years older her age, they were the most ‘in love’ couple we had witnessed growing up. They had five kids together, he and my aunt died in their older age one year apart from each other, I guess she could not take the parting from the love of her life. 

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6 hours ago, Propaganda_of_the_Deed said:

The problem is when people see wealth as an ends rather than means. It is honestly how one spends. Granted it is a lot easier to be distracted with temptations of the dunya and to forget the akhirah.

Salam brother
In all respect, this was what I meant. I think that Surah Al-Takathur is very clear about that.

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42 "religious", rich, takes care of his looks and not married......... hmmmm was he some kind of monk. If not why did he not get married ?

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3 hours ago, Revert1963 said:

Salam brother
In all respect, this was what I meant. I think that Surah Al-Takathur is very clear about that.

Wa alaykum asalaam that is fine, but being "religious and rich" is not an oxymoron. We even had wealthy Prophets who were also kings like Sulayman and Dawud (عليه السلام) 

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9 hours ago, Guest Guest-Reply-er said:

Dear OP: my biggest concern would not be if he is 42 and she is 22.

I would be most concerned about:

1. His past, how many halal and haram relationships he had 

2. Any divorces 

3. Health issues 

4. How he earned his wealth

5. How is he with his parents and family, a real red flag would be if he is not close to them 

6. How may siblings, and who is the real influencer in his life, some people mess others in very wrong ways

7. Any mental health issues in the past

8. Would he be ok to have kids, near future or distant future

9. Once we are past our ‘romantic’ age, it’s very very hard to modify ourselves for our partner in bed. Expect a lots of incompatibility issues and expectation that your daughter would have to modify 90% of her things, he will be willing to step in only 10% if he would. It’s just the way we humans are.

10. Truth is, your social circle would be mad at you, reticule you, would call your daughter and your family gold diggers or desperate, and would keep calling it till the new couple would have kids and would live a happy, drama free, respectable life. God forbid, if things go south after marriage, then the society scorns would double up, and you and your wife would be standing alone getting the blame from your society, relatives, and your daughter too. So like any marriage, it’s a gamble. 

That said, marriages of this much or more age difference are neither abnormal nor particular to any culture. They happen anywhere in the world. My aunt married a widower (or was married to a widower, it was an arranged marriage) of 22 years older her age, they were the most ‘in love’ couple we had witnessed growing up. They had five kids together, he and my aunt died in their older age one year apart from each other, I guess she could not take the parting from the love of her lif

Very good suggestion brother, I implore OP to truly apply these

 

Number 6 man....number 6

my family went through permanent hardship because of 6

Edited by Ralvi

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4 hours ago, Propaganda_of_the_Deed said:

We even had wealthy Prophets who were also kings like Sulayman and Dawud (عليه السلام) 

I don't think that cancels Surah Al-Takathur.

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20 minutes ago, Revert1963 said:

I don't think that cancels Surah Al-Takathur.

I have not claimed this.

Additionally, said surah according to commentary is:

Numerous commentators believe that this Surah has been revealed in Mecca; then the subject mentioned in the Surah about vying and self-glorification is, customarily, referring to the tribes of Quraish who used to boast to each other, in vain, about worthless affairs.

As we mentioned before, commentators believe that this Surah was revealed against the tribes who vied in boasting with one another and prided themselves on increasing their wealth, position, and the number of their adherents so to add to the number of men in each tribe, they even went to the cemetery and counted the tribal graves.

https://www.al-Islam.org/enlightening-commentary-light-holy-Qur'an-vol-20/surah-takathur-chapter-102

I am not talking about boasting, pride and competing with one another for material gain.

I am taking issue with the claim you made that religious and rich cannot coexist, that it is an "oxymoron".

I believe I have made my case in prior posts.

Salaam.

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There should be no issue at all for that gentleman to propose to your daughter and marry her. No limit at all, a man can get married to any women of any age. No age specifications whether it's an older man and a younger girl, and a female can marry a young or an older man. Women actually have more fun and security with older men and the marriage lasts.

As a Muslim this is not a good attitude to have towards older people that marry somebody younger.

The most appropriate response would be to look to the example of our beloved Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him). His first marriage was at the age of 25 to the 40 year old Khadijah. He was married to one woman until the age of 50. There are many beautiful stories from the life of the Prophet (peace be upon him) and an example that age will never matter.

We are called to follow the Prophet’s (peace be upon him) actions. Thus, to marry one who is older is something that the Prophet (peace be upon him) himself did and thus cannot be seen as wrong.

We do not have this kind of negative attitude in western cultures but as Muslims we are behind in our own communities. What a shame.

Edited by Murtaza1

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I wouldn't recommend this 

 

He is 42 years old a rich and wealthy guy who isn't married.

How long do you know him?

Do you think he could have had any kind of relationships in the past ?

 

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15 hours ago, Propaganda_of_the_Deed said:

I am not talking about boasting, pride and competing with one another for material gain.

I am taking issue with the claim you made that religious and rich cannot coexist, that it is an "oxymoron".

You are of cause right that Allah can bestow wealth on any one if he so wishes. You can inherit wealth, discover a cave full of treasure, marry a rich person or you can win in the lottery. (though the latter is gambling and therefore, like the drinking of alcohol, something Allah advises you not to do.).
My point is that most rich people don't get rich that way. They get rich because of greed, boasting, pride and competing for material wealth and power. People hardly get rich from honest work. I think that is important to bare in mind in a context of marrying your daughter to some one. Are you concerned about your daughters spiritual well being? or are you competing with your neighbors for worldly wealth and power?

From your quote one could get the impression that Surah Al-Takathur only apply to the mushrikun merchants of Mecca and not to Muslims, but if that was true, they would have been forgiven when they converted to Islam and then they could have continued with their greed, boasting, pride and competing for material wealth and power without fear. Of cause you can argue that Hind bint Utbah, her son Muawiyah and the bani Umayya did just that. (Allah forgive me for being sectarian here)
However according to the Tafseer in the link below there are ahadith making it explicit that not only the disbelievers but also the righteous believers too will be questioned on the day of judgment as Surah Al-Takathur states.
https://www.quran411.com/surah-takathur.asp

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I think "Guest abd of Hussain" may be a fake account started by one of the guys. It's not good to be such a fitna in other people's relationships. This could be a cause for your own prayers to be rejected by Allah subhana wa tala. 

 

 

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45 minutes ago, Revert1963 said:

My point is that most rich people don't get rich that way. They get rich because of greed, boasting, pride and competing for material wealth and power. People hardly get rich from honest work. 

"Behind every great fortune is a great crime" does bear a lot of truth, though there are professionally skilled, intelligent, hard working and entrepreneurial people who have become rich in an honest way.

We cannot discourage Muslims, especially the next generation to from being highly skilled or entrepreneurial, which so happens to be accompanied with potential for accumulating wealth.

45 minutes ago, Revert1963 said:

  From your quote one could get the impression that Surah Al-Takathur only apply to the mushrikun merchants of Mecca and not to Muslims,

Of course, it does indeed apply to us all, this was merely the context in which it was revealed.

45 minutes ago, Revert1963 said:

However according to the Tafseer in the link below there are ahadith making it explicit that not only the disbelievers but also the righteous believers too will be questioned on the day of judgment as Surah Al-Takathur states.
https://www.quran411.com/surah-takathur.asp

Whilst I am not disputing that it applies to us all, just for your reference, that tafsir section in your link is based on Jamaat e Islami founder Abul Ala Mawdudi's tafsir and he is citing Sunni ahadith, including one narrated by Abu Hurairah, whom we do not accept.

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On 3/21/2019 at 9:30 AM, Warilla said:

hmmmm was he some kind of monk. If not why did he not get married ?

People can mature at different ages in their life, everybody is different. She even said he looks 29.

People marry when Allah subhana wa tala's prescribed time comes.

Its not good to be such a fitnah in other people's relationships. This can be a cause for your own prayers to be rejected by Allah subhana wa tala. 

4 hours ago, Hassu93 said:

He is 42 years old a rich and wealthy guy who isn't married.

How long do you know him?

Do you think he could have had any kind of relationships in the past ?

Many people in the West marry later on in life when they are ready and mature.

Take the example of the life of Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him) he married older women too. Most people that marry at a young age end up divorcing.

Hollywood actor George Clooney married in his 60's and is still happily married. 

Muzmatch is full of divorced women and Muslima.com is full of women looking for older men. That is the actual reality of the real world, not what people hear from others. 

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Just now, Murtaza1 said:

People can mature at different ages in their life, everybody is different. She even said he looks 29.

People marry when Allah subhana wa tala's prescribed time comes... 

I don't entirely agree as the Prophets and Imams adviced us to marry early. If we go against advice then we can't blame Allah

"Its not good to be such a fitnah in other people's relationships. This can be a cause for your own prayers to be rejected by Allah subhana wa tala. "

I agree with this. It was an error on my part. Thank you for pointing it out.

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9 minutes ago, Warilla said:

I don't entirely agree as the Prophets and Imams adviced us to marry early. If we go against advice then we can't blame Allah

I don’t think this necessarily applies for everyone because people mature at different ages as indicated by the way they act. Everybody is different.

Muslims in our communities are not reflecting on the life and of the Prophet (peace be upon him) who also married older women. Sorry to repeat myself but it has to be addressed. 

I think the general attitude about such marriages in Muslim communities is out of balance and needs to be corrected because the reality is very different as such marriages happen all the time and are much more successful. Only mass media, social media and popular culture promote this negative attitude.

I urge people to visit Muslima.com and see the age range of men that women are seeking. 

Edited by Murtaza1

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Just now, Propaganda_of_the_Deed said:

We cannot discourage Muslims, especially the next generation to from being highly skilled or entrepreneurial, which so happens to be accompanied with potential for accumulating wealth.

I can understand your argument, but I think that our disagreement comes from different perspectives. Your perspective is society and mine is spiritual. I will say though that most honest hard working people don't get rich. My dad was an entrepreneur, had his own business and a hard working and honest man. We never missed anything in my childhood, but we where never rich. His lesson in life was that honest hard working people don't get rich. The more competitive types always take the spoil. He is not a Muslim, but he read the Qur'an and I often discuss it with him.

However weighing spirituality against the practicality of running a society is a much bigger question. I think that if we start discussing that we will completely railroad this thread.

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@King 

I don't know about statistics but men and women can both die at any age. It's such societal conditioning that puts negative thoughts into people's minds. 

Nowadays people are living longer with healthy lifestyles and medical advancement retirement age has increased and continuesly increasing mashalah. 

Edited by Murtaza1

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1 minute ago, Murtaza1 said:

@King 

I don't know about statistics but men and women can both die at any age. It's such societal conditioning that puts negative tboughts into people's minds. 

Nowadays people are living longer with healthy lifestyles and medical advancement retirement age has increased and continuesly increasing. 

Anyone can die at any age but on average Women tend to live into early 80s and men into late 70s in Western countries.  If a woman marries a person 20 years older than her then the chance of her being a widow for an extended amount of time is quite high.  She will be 50 when he is approaching the average terminal age for men.

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@King

I think you would be surprised to know how useless or misleading such statistics can be. Even if it was true ten years is not such a big gap. 

If a man and woman both feel right for each other then it's for a good reason linked to mental and biological factors. 

That is why open minded decision between both partners is important without any thoughts or conditioning put into their minds by society. 

If you spend time in the company of a 40 year old man that looks, acts and feels 25 then I can guarantee you that you will not disagree with me. The only time you would disagree is if you put the society smoke screen in front of you. People always know it feels right but they become affraid of not fitting in with the conventions of their peers. 

As I said it's quite normal for age difference marriages to take place in the real world. Its only mass media, social media and popular culture that paint a distorted image. Checkout muslima.com


 

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1 hour ago, Murtaza1 said:

Muzmatch is full of divorced women and Muslima.com is full of women looking for older men. 

 

1 hour ago, Murtaza1 said:

I urge people to visit Muslima.com and see the age range of men that women are seeking. 

 

29 minutes ago, Murtaza1 said:

Checkout muslima.com

UR1AWlY.jpg

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28 minutes ago, Murtaza1 said:

@King

I think you would be surprised to know how useless or misleading such statistics can be. Even if it was true ten years is not such a big gap. 

If a man and woman both feel right for each other then it's for a good reason linked to mental and biological factors. 

That is why open minded decision between both partners is important without any thoughts or conditioning put into their minds by society. 

If you spend time in the company of a 40 year old man that looks, acts and feels 25 then I can guarantee you that you will not disagree with me. The only time you would disagree is if you put the society smoke screen in front of you. People always know it feels right but they become affraid of not fitting in with the conventions of their peers. 

As I said it's quite normal for age difference marriages to take place in the real world. Its only mass media, social media and popular culture that paint a distorted image. Checkout muslima.com

How are these statistics misleading? At the end of the day most men and women tend to die around the same age on average, if you marry someone 20-30 years older or younger, the chances are extremely high that the two will die at very different ages.  Leaving the other person alone for a longer time than someone of similar age.  This is a valid consideration to make.  I am not saying it is always a bad idea to to marry someone with a 20 year age difference, it can work out to be a wonderful marriage, but there are added considerations.

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12 hours ago, Murtaza1 said:

There should be no issue at all for that gentleman to propose to your daughter and marry her. No limit at all, a man can get married to any women of any age. No age specifications whether it's an older man and a younger girl, and a female can marry a young or an older man. Women actually have more fun and security with older men and the marriage lasts.

As a Muslim this is not a good attitude to have towards older people that marry somebody younger.

The most appropriate response would be to look to the example of our beloved Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him). His first marriage was at the age of 25 to the 40 year old Khadijah. He was married to one woman until the age of 50. There are many beautiful stories from the life of the Prophet (peace be upon him) and an example that age will never matter.

We are called to follow the Prophet’s (peace be upon him) actions. Thus, to marry one who is older is something that the Prophet (peace be upon him) himself did and thus cannot be seen as wrong.

We do not have this kind of negative attitude in western cultures but as Muslims we are behind in our own communities. What a shame.

This is actually false Hazarat Khadijah(SA) was not 40 when she was married. She was actually 1 or 2 yrs older than our Prophet (SAAWS)

therr are peope bent on spreading false ideas about the holy ladies, especially Hazarat Khadijah calling her old, etc etc 

Edited by Ralvi

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6 minutes ago, Ralvi said:

This is actually false Hazarat Khadijah(SA) was not 40 when she was married. She was actually 1 or 2 yrs older than our Prophet (SAAWS)

therr are peope bent on spreading false ideas about the holy ladies, especially Hazarat Khadijah calling her old, etc etc 

This is not unanimous among Shias. Often when trying to prove Fatimah alZahra (عليه السلام) as being the only surviving child of the Prophet saw and Khadijah ra, they often cite her age at the time of marriage and it being unlikely she had so many other daughters - again Fatimah being the only child is not unanimous among all Shias either.

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2 minutes ago, Propaganda_of_the_Deed said:

This is not unanimous among Shias. Often when trying to prove Fatimah alZahra (عليه السلام) as being the only surviving child of the Prophet saw and Khadijah ra, they often cite her age at the time of marriage and it being unlikely she had so many other daughters - again Fatimah being the only child is not unanimous among all Shias either.

It’s true they had many children before sayeda(SA), they did not survive though that much is true 

Edited by Ralvi

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