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In the Name of God بسم الله
Guest abd of Hussain

Middle aged man wants to marry my daughter

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@Hassu93

Not at all brother. You are taking things out of context. I don't think I said anything negative, direct or personal to you. I only tried to comment intellectually.

I have met all kinds of people in society from around the world and engaged in deep conversation with them for the past nineteen years. I have even interviewed well known personalities from your country. 
 
I am BA degree educated. I have a deep understanding of human psychology. I explore and create psychological profiles because I study people. It is part of my talent for writing fiction. 
 
I do not have to source secondary sources on the internet to develop my knowledge. Although the internet is a wonderful blessing for the lay man. My knowledge stems from primary sources.
 
Brother I am sorry if you got hurt in any way. Forgive me. It was certainly not my intention. 
 
Edited by Murtaza1

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I'm 22 and was once proposed to by a 40 year old so I hope I can provide some insight. I feel that older men are simply attracted to younger women, well, simply because they're young and it's like candy to a child. Long story short, I don't think you should go through with it. First of all, the gap is just so big. Their levels of maturity wouldn't be the same despite you believing your daughter is mature and responsible. Being mature and responsible at 22 is not the same as being mature and responsible at 42. 

Is this the first time your daughter has been proposed to? What was it that made him want to propose to her, do they spend a lot of time together or chat outside of the event? 

As someone else mentioned, his businesses and PhD mean nothing. I'm 22 and own two businesses, honors in BA, and was a university teaching assistant, does that make me better than your daughter? NO. In some other mans eyes, he might be searching for someone who's a nice cook, or someone with an MBA, or someone who's a good skater. In one persons eyes achievements may be impressive and to others they're just achievements.

Long story short, if you're looking for someone for your daughter to marry there are dozens of other ways to meet someone. At 22, the maximum age you should accept for her is 32. 

Keep in mind someone with businesses can lose them overnight and he might have hidden debt. 

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5 hours ago, j.angel said:

I'm 22 and was once proposed to by a 40 year old so I hope I can provide some insight

That's actually very weird. The age gap is too big, and both of youse will find it hard to relate to each other. I mean you would probs treat that person as an uncle. Immaturity and youthfulness is kinda good in a sense and it takes the fun away if you end up with an uncle. You both are supposed to struggle and grow together. That 40 year old uncle has already been through a lot without you.

I donno this is my opinion. 

 

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans

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2 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

That 40 year old uncle has already been through a lot without you.

Very true. I just don’t think it’s worth it. 

True story, my aunt married someone 20 years older than her because of his amazing career in Saudi Arabia at the time, but as a result of political changes they were kicked out of their home and he lost in job in Saudi since they sent all Lebanese Shia back to Lebanon. Something like that can change a persons entire life. I recommend finding someone closer in age. 

Ali, girls get proposals from very random people; hence this father’s question, so as weird as it sounds, it happens haha :) 

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1 hour ago, j.angel said:

True story, my aunt married someone 20 years older than her because of his amazing career in Saudi Arabia at the time

Well it's just how some people think and how they've been raised. I know even my own parents are okay with an age gap of 20 years. My grandmother got married when she was 17 to my grandad who was 40 years older than her. These young girls are assured that it's all good as long as you have a husband who has a good post, earns a decent amount, and is mature. No one looks beyond this, whether the couple are compatible and can get along. It's common sense that it's going to be hard for a young girl to relate to an uncle lol.

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23 hours ago, j.angel said:

22, the maximum age you should accept for her is 32. 

Lol, isn't it ultimately her choice? Obviously her father's opinion matters, and you raised some good points about maturity. But at the end of the day, it's her choice. I've met fully grown women with a whole family of their own who don't even have a fraction of my maturity. At the same time, there are 20 year olds who are way less mature than some 16 year olds. At the end of the day maturity is subjective to an individual's own experiences, so whilst yes, a 40 year old's maturity is likely more than that of a 20 year old, that's not an objective fact. In this case, its important for the girl herself to weigh her options and see if this man really is right for her.  His business and career etc is all irrelevant. If theres enough emotional and intellectual compatibility, then that's good. Let's not forget the example set by the Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)) and Lady Khadija (عليه السلام)

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19 minutes ago, 2Timeless said:

Lol, isn't it ultimately her choice?... at the end of the day, it's her choice. I've met fully grown women with a whole family of their own who don't even have a fraction of my maturity. At the same time, there are 20 year olds who are way less mature than some 16 year olds...If theres enough emotional and intellectual compatibility, then that's good. Let's not forget the example set by the Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)) and Lady Khadija (عليه السلام)

Well said. People that appose marriages because of age differences obviously are driven by societies conditioning and prejudices. I wish people would actually go out there and see the reality for themselves where it is the norm and these relationships last unlike same age marriages, Muzmatch is an example full of young divorcees. Absolutely the example set by the Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)) and Lady Khadija (عليه السلام) is what people have to take as an example. I stopped viewing or commenting on this thread but I felt the need to acknowledge your comment. Jazakalah. 

@j.angel @ali_fatheroforphans guys unless you try you will never know the blessings for sure. 

Edited by Murtaza1

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2 hours ago, Murtaza1 said:

guys unless you try you will never know the blessings for sure

My response was based on what I recommend based on experience, considering thats what the person asking the question is looking for.... our opinions. I could say don’t say yes cause hes probably very wrinkly. Probably irrelevant to you but maybe a big deal to his daughter. We don't know since were not her, we're all giving our opinions. 

I think mine is the most accurate. If the dad wanted to just ask the girl for her opinion he could have, but he asked us. :D 

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17 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

It's common sense that it's going to be hard for a young girl to relate to an uncle lol.

True, but since people are are "so open minded" and leave it up to the girl, she could marry a grandpa for all she cares, if shes ok marrying an 80 year old. People are allowed to contribute their opinions, lol. 

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3 hours ago, Murtaza1 said:

guys unless you try you will never know the blessings for sure

Yeah it's entirely up to the individual. I know for a fact that I ain't marrying a granny. It's more of a personal preference that age gap should be reasonable. Like there's this issue of attraction too I guess. 

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1 hour ago, j.angel said:

I could say don’t say yes cause hes probably very wrinkly.

Just to close the argument from my side your opinion of wrinkles is based on societal perspectives and that's exactly my point of false conditioned perspectives. Young people these days are very wrinkly too and many look older for their age. Anyway the poster of this thread says the man looks 29 and he and his daughter would have believed him if he had not told him his age. Honestly I am confident your opinion would change if you only tried. He shouldn't have asked it's only because he is worried about what society will think. Reflect on the example set by the Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)) and Lady Khadija (عليه السلام).

Edited by Murtaza1

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Lol apparently it's now a sin to marry someone older than you. It's a matter of personal preference. It's also apparently wrong to ask the potential bride for her own opinion on a man who would like to marry her.  Our opinions are irrelevant. The OP should tell his daughter and she should make an informed decision based on what she believes to be in her best interest. 

Just because you don’t like something doesnt mean the whole world agrees with you...

Edited by 2Timeless

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4 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

Lol apparently it's now a sin to marry someone older than you.

I can imagine that in certain places such such as Pakistan but they are slowly changing. In the west we don't have this mentality. 

4 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

Just because you don’t like something doesnt mean the whole world agrees with you...

That's right. I think the problem is old mentalities based on social class system and such type of concepts but it's bound to change. 

Edited by Murtaza1

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Guest somebody

Doesn't your daughter deserve to know about the proposal anyway? It sounds like you don't trust your adult daughter's judgement at all, which is a bit weird. What's even weirder is that you are worried about how other people will perceive you differently, rather than what your daughter will think of you for making these decisions without even consulting her (after all, you're not going to be married to him, she is). Even if she's interested, you don't have to give your permission - but maybe it will help you get a better sense of her judgments and tastes for the future. Most likely she won't be interested, but will respect you more for your openness and consideration.

 

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5 hours ago, j.angel said:

So then why are you making it like your opinion is the only right one? Don’t be such a hypocrite. 

Maintain a level of civility and respect yourself. 

It's not worth even responding when you have such an attitude. Read my posts carefully.

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On 4/21/2019 at 12:37 AM, j.angel said:

True, but since people are are "so open minded" and leave it up to the girl, she could marry a grandpa for all she cares, if shes ok marrying an 80 year old. People are allowed to contribute their opinions, lol. 

Nobody is talking about eighty year olds. Even if they were then I can assure you there are many Hugh Hefners out there, the halal ones. People are too hard wired by society, popular culture and media propaganda and trash others down. Its about having the same level of intelect. As the sister posted earlier being very educated and wealthy is a sign of compatibility regardless of age but I can also assure you people at all levels have relationships with mature partners. Of course you are wired differently. I think this thread has outlived its time. I'm outta here. Adios :bye:

Here are two good articles:

https://www.independent.co.United Kingdom/life-style/dating-rule-age-gap-couples-history-origins-where-come-from-a8156696.html

https://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/a14455328/marrying-an-older-man/

Edited by Murtaza1

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On 4/21/2019 at 3:33 PM, 2Timeless said:

Our opinions are irrelevant. The OP should tell his daughter and she should make an informed decision based on what she believes to be in her best interest. 

I think it's not that black and white. The OP could have asked her daughter (maybe he did after), but parents sometimes need to have a say and an opinion on these matters. It's good to also get opinions from others. The OP wanted to know if it's a good idea for someone to have an age gap of 20 years, and whether there could be any potential issues in terms of compatability etc. Maybe the OP wanted to get opinions from other couples on ShiaChat who have a similar age gap. Parents want the best for their children and it's actually good thing to ask around.

Also, I'm 22 years old as well and I can't say for sure that marrying a woman who is older than me is going to work out. I haven't even been through the struggles in life which my parents have been through. I also have no idea of the world. It's possible how that girl may be infatuated and will make a decision she'll regret. Therefore, I disagree with you that the opinion of others are irrelevant. The age gap is massive and there's a lot of things to consider. 

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans

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24 minutes ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

but parents sometimes need to have a say and an opinion on these matters. It's good to also get opinions from others. The OP wanted to know if it's a good idea for someone to have an age gap of 20 years, and whether there could be any potential issues in terms of compatability etc. Maybe the OP wanted to get opinions from other couples on ShiaChat who have a similar age gap. Parents want the best for their children and it's actually good thing to ask around.

I completely agree, but generally, an online forum with people you know nothing about, isn't a great place to seek matrimonial advice from. It's probably better if the father asked around in the community about the man proposing to his daughter, find out what he's like, what people think of him, what his family is like etc...that information would be alot more useful than anything provided by this thread, although yes, it still may be good for people here to advise him to consider this seriously and see what his own daughter's opinion is, which is of utmost importance. 

27 minutes ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Also, I'm 22 years old as well and I can't say for sure that marrying a woman who is older than me is going to work out. I haven't even been through the struggles in life which my parents have been through. I also have no idea of the world. It's possible how that girl may be infatuated and will make a decision she'll regret. Therefore, I disagree with you that the opinion of others are irrelevant. The age gap is massive and there's a lot of things to consider. 

I wouldn't marry someone significantly older than me either, but I'm not going to let my own personal preference be an objective fact I live by. It might not be best for me, but it may be a really good fit for someone else. And, I said our opinions are irrelevant, not the opinions of others. The girl's family's opinion and the guy's family and people who know him, all their opinions are important and will help the OP figure out what kind of person the man proposing is. So, just because it's not the conventional choice, and its not the choice a lot of us would make, it is, nevertheless, a good choice for certain individuals. 

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