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Guest abd of Hussain

Middle aged man wants to marry my daughter

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Guest abd of Hussain

I received a marriage proposition for my 22 old girl from a 42 year old! He is just 5 years my junior. I am quite shocked and totally confused for what reason does he want to marry my dear young daughter. He met her at some community events. This is so freaking weird!! She doesn't know about the proposal and I don't have the slightest idea what to try and tell her. He looks 15 years more youthful  than his age and is smart, religious and rich and not married before. I never before knew he was so old!! He said it's good genes or something. It's a dilemma, since I think he is a good guy however I am stunned at the age difference and what will people say? They will talk about us and criticize me and laugh at me. I am concerned he has done a lot more in life than her. The guy has about 3 businesses and a dam phd too. I honestly and truly feel like saying no because this age difference is creepy ... but I get this annoying feeling that he is too good to reject easily ... help!!!

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Excuse me for saying this (and Allah forgive me if I am wrong) but "religious and rich" sounds to me as an oxymoron. If you are rich you thoughts are in dunya. If you are religious you thoughts are in akhira. Maybe one of the things is not true about him.
I think your responsibility as a father is to do what is good for your daughter. Not so much what is personally good for you, what people say or how rich your son in law will be.
Age difference could be creepy, but doesn't need to be. Youthful, rich and not married before sounds like red flags to me.

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Guest abd of Hussain
30 minutes ago, notme said:

What does your daughter think of him? That's what's really important. 

I didn't realize they were acquainted. I haven't spoken to her however she probably believes he is 29 like I did. She is a religious young lady yet I believe her choices will be blinded by feelings and giggly desires on the off chance that she likes him. I need to be the guarding watchman before I let her know. I will decide if it is good for her and our reputation before I agree to tell her. It feels so yucky for him to like a girl 20 years younger. Too many times I think he is using his wealth to get a young wife like those celebs do. He is very much into Islam but doesn't do taqleed so that puts me off.

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29 minutes ago, Guest abd of Hussain said:

I didn't realize they were acquainted. I haven't spoken to her however she probably believes he is 29 like I did. She is a religious young lady yet I believe her choices will be blinded by feelings and giggly desires on the off chance that she likes him. I need to be the guarding watchman before I let her know. I will decide if it is good for her and our reputation before I agree to tell her. It feels so yucky for him to like a girl 20 years younger. Too many times I think he is using his wealth to get a young wife like those celebs do. He is very much into Islam but doesn't do taqleed so that puts me off.

With all due respect I think you should forget about all his worldly achievements and his wealth etc. Yes, the age difference is a bit much, but at the end of the day, you should do whatever is in the best interests of your daughter. If she likes this guy, maybe it's a good idea to let her get to know him more, if not, she wont marry him.

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1 hour ago, Revert1963 said:

Excuse me for saying this (and Allah forgive me if I am wrong) but "religious and rich" sounds to me as an oxymoron. If you are rich you thoughts are in dunya. If you are religious you thoughts are in akhira. 

Islam is not a religion which teaches against being wealthy. Presupposing one pays Zakat (if applicable) and Khums (if meeting the threshold) - what exactly is the problem?

If we had an ummah of faqeer, poor people, how can anyone be of practical, financial use to others and helping the downtrodden?

Imam Zainul Abideen (عليه السلام) used to go around undercover with a sack of food and distributing it to the poor. 

We also have supplications for rizq or provisions.

The problem is when people see wealth as an ends rather than means. It is honestly how one spends. Granted it is a lot easier to be distracted with temptations of the dunya and to forget the akhirah.

But we should not have an attitude that wealth in itself is inherently wrong.

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3 hours ago, Guest abd of Hussain said:

I didn't realize they were acquainted. I haven't spoken to her however she probably believes he is 29 like I did. She is a religious young lady yet I believe her choices will be blinded by feelings and giggly desires on the off chance that she likes him. I need to be the guarding watchman before I let her know. I will decide if it is good for her and our reputation before I agree to tell her. It feels so yucky for him to like a girl 20 years younger. Too many times I think he is using his wealth to get a young wife like those celebs do. He is very much into Islam but doesn't do taqleed so that puts me off.

Ok without naming names, ask her how she feels about the idea of marrying a significantly older man. If she's averse to the idea reject him. 

Or if it's just too strange for you to consider having a son in law who is nearly your age, reject him. 

His wealth and profession are not nearly so important as him being a good person and a good Muslim. 

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Guest Guest-Reply-er

Dear OP: my biggest concern would not be if he is 42 and she is 22.

I would be most concerned about:

1. His past, how many halal and haram relationships he had 

2. Any divorces 

3. Health issues 

4. How he earned his wealth

5. How is he with his parents and family, a real red flag would be if he is not close to them 

6. How may siblings, and who is the real influencer in his life, some people mess others in very wrong ways

7. Any mental health issues in the past

8. Would he be ok to have kids, near future or distant future

9. Once we are past our ‘romantic’ age, it’s very very hard to modify ourselves for our partner in bed. Expect a lots of incompatibility issues and expectation that your daughter would have to modify 90% of her things, he will be willing to step in only 10% if he would. It’s just the way we humans are.

10. Truth is, your social circle would be mad at you, reticule you, would call your daughter and your family gold diggers or desperate, and would keep calling it till the new couple would have kids and would live a happy, drama free, respectable life. God forbid, if things go south after marriage, then the society scorns would double up, and you and your wife would be standing alone getting the blame from your society, relatives, and your daughter too. So like any marriage, it’s a gamble. 

That said, marriages of this much or more age difference are neither abnormal nor particular to any culture. They happen anywhere in the world. My aunt married a widower (or was married to a widower, it was an arranged marriage) of 22 years older her age, they were the most ‘in love’ couple we had witnessed growing up. They had five kids together, he and my aunt died in their older age one year apart from each other, I guess she could not take the parting from the love of her life. 

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6 hours ago, Propaganda_of_the_Deed said:

The problem is when people see wealth as an ends rather than means. It is honestly how one spends. Granted it is a lot easier to be distracted with temptations of the dunya and to forget the akhirah.

Salam brother
In all respect, this was what I meant. I think that Surah Al-Takathur is very clear about that.

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42 "religious", rich, takes care of his looks and not married......... hmmmm was he some kind of monk. If not why did he not get married ?

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3 hours ago, Revert1963 said:

Salam brother
In all respect, this was what I meant. I think that Surah Al-Takathur is very clear about that.

Wa alaykum asalaam that is fine, but being "religious and rich" is not an oxymoron. We even had wealthy Prophets who were also kings like Sulayman and Dawud (عليه السلام) 

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9 hours ago, Guest Guest-Reply-er said:

Dear OP: my biggest concern would not be if he is 42 and she is 22.

I would be most concerned about:

1. His past, how many halal and haram relationships he had 

2. Any divorces 

3. Health issues 

4. How he earned his wealth

5. How is he with his parents and family, a real red flag would be if he is not close to them 

6. How may siblings, and who is the real influencer in his life, some people mess others in very wrong ways

7. Any mental health issues in the past

8. Would he be ok to have kids, near future or distant future

9. Once we are past our ‘romantic’ age, it’s very very hard to modify ourselves for our partner in bed. Expect a lots of incompatibility issues and expectation that your daughter would have to modify 90% of her things, he will be willing to step in only 10% if he would. It’s just the way we humans are.

10. Truth is, your social circle would be mad at you, reticule you, would call your daughter and your family gold diggers or desperate, and would keep calling it till the new couple would have kids and would live a happy, drama free, respectable life. God forbid, if things go south after marriage, then the society scorns would double up, and you and your wife would be standing alone getting the blame from your society, relatives, and your daughter too. So like any marriage, it’s a gamble. 

That said, marriages of this much or more age difference are neither abnormal nor particular to any culture. They happen anywhere in the world. My aunt married a widower (or was married to a widower, it was an arranged marriage) of 22 years older her age, they were the most ‘in love’ couple we had witnessed growing up. They had five kids together, he and my aunt died in their older age one year apart from each other, I guess she could not take the parting from the love of her lif

Very good suggestion brother, I implore OP to truly apply these

 

Number 6 man....number 6

my family went through permanent hardship because of 6

Edited by Ralvi

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4 hours ago, Propaganda_of_the_Deed said:

We even had wealthy Prophets who were also kings like Sulayman and Dawud (عليه السلام) 

I don't think that cancels Surah Al-Takathur.

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20 minutes ago, Revert1963 said:

I don't think that cancels Surah Al-Takathur.

I have not claimed this.

Additionally, said surah according to commentary is:

Numerous commentators believe that this Surah has been revealed in Mecca; then the subject mentioned in the Surah about vying and self-glorification is, customarily, referring to the tribes of Quraish who used to boast to each other, in vain, about worthless affairs.

As we mentioned before, commentators believe that this Surah was revealed against the tribes who vied in boasting with one another and prided themselves on increasing their wealth, position, and the number of their adherents so to add to the number of men in each tribe, they even went to the cemetery and counted the tribal graves.

https://www.al-Islam.org/enlightening-commentary-light-holy-Qur'an-vol-20/surah-takathur-chapter-102

I am not talking about boasting, pride and competing with one another for material gain.

I am taking issue with the claim you made that religious and rich cannot coexist, that it is an "oxymoron".

I believe I have made my case in prior posts.

Salaam.

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There should be no issue at all for that gentleman to propose to your daughter and marry her. No limit at all, a man can get married to any women of any age. No age specifications whether it's an older man and a younger girl, and a female can marry a young or an older man. Women actually have more fun and security with older men and the marriage lasts.

As a Muslim this is not a good attitude to have towards older people that marry somebody younger.

The most appropriate response would be to look to the example of our beloved Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him). His first marriage was at the age of 25 to the 40 year old Khadijah. He was married to one woman until the age of 50. There are many beautiful stories from the life of the Prophet (peace be upon him) and an example that age will never matter.

We are called to follow the Prophet’s (peace be upon him) actions. Thus, to marry one who is older is something that the Prophet (peace be upon him) himself did and thus cannot be seen as wrong.

We do not have this kind of negative attitude in western cultures but as Muslims we are behind in our own communities. What a shame.

Edited by Murtaza1

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I wouldn't recommend this 

 

He is 42 years old a rich and wealthy guy who isn't married.

How long do you know him?

Do you think he could have had any kind of relationships in the past ?

 

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15 hours ago, Propaganda_of_the_Deed said:

I am not talking about boasting, pride and competing with one another for material gain.

I am taking issue with the claim you made that religious and rich cannot coexist, that it is an "oxymoron".

You are of cause right that Allah can bestow wealth on any one if he so wishes. You can inherit wealth, discover a cave full of treasure, marry a rich person or you can win in the lottery. (though the latter is gambling and therefore, like the drinking of alcohol, something Allah advises you not to do.).
My point is that most rich people don't get rich that way. They get rich because of greed, boasting, pride and competing for material wealth and power. People hardly get rich from honest work. I think that is important to bare in mind in a context of marrying your daughter to some one. Are you concerned about your daughters spiritual well being? or are you competing with your neighbors for worldly wealth and power?

From your quote one could get the impression that Surah Al-Takathur only apply to the mushrikun merchants of Mecca and not to Muslims, but if that was true, they would have been forgiven when they converted to Islam and then they could have continued with their greed, boasting, pride and competing for material wealth and power without fear. Of cause you can argue that Hind bint Utbah, her son Muawiyah and the bani Umayya did just that. (Allah forgive me for being sectarian here)
However according to the Tafseer in the link below there are ahadith making it explicit that not only the disbelievers but also the righteous believers too will be questioned on the day of judgment as Surah Al-Takathur states.
https://www.quran411.com/surah-takathur.asp

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