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Jannat786

Should I marry a nice guy that I don’t get along with?

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Assalamalykum,

I hope you’re all okay. So my parents recently set me up with this guy and while he’s a nice guy who’s religious and comes from a decent family I just find it very hard to make conversations with him. We can barely keep a conversation going and we have very different personalities and sense of humours. Personally, I rank sense of humour quite high because I’d want to be able to laugh and joke around with the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with and I think it also puts me off that he can’t speak Urdu. However, people keep telling me that these are silly reasons to say reject someone and that piousness is all that matters and now I’m so confused as to what to do. The guy sends me a message once in a day even though he comes online all the time and has seen my message but won’t bother replying which makes me feel like he’s not that interested in me either. 

I’m getting a lot of mixed signals from him which is making me get even more confused.

I’m sorry for such a long message but I’d appreciate any sort of advice and suggestions. 

Thank you! 

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No.

Piousness should match your own, but general compatibility is very important too.  Ideally, your spouse will be your best friend and companion for life.  

If there is a chance that you and he might just take some time to get used to each other, take your time.  But if you absolutely don't see yourself spending your life with this person, cut things off immediately to reduce heartbreak.

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16 hours ago, Jannat786 said:

The guy sends me a message once in a day even though he comes online all the time and has seen my message but won’t bother replying which makes me feel like he’s not that interested in me either. 

his personality is like as my personality , he likes you but he acts with caution to not engage too much before matter of marriage becomes serious for both sides but don't expect more than two or three messages a day 

 

16 hours ago, Jannat786 said:

We can barely keep a conversation going and we have very different personalities and sense of humours. Personally, I rank sense of humour quite high because I’d want to be able to laugh and joke around with the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with and I think it also puts me off that he can’t speak Urdu.

it's better that you more socialize with women than men & learning Urdu is not a serious matter because if you marry he will learn it maybe he will start to learn it if matter of marriage becomes more serious for both sides

 

Edited by Ashvazdanghe

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If you can hardly keep a conversation going now, God knows what it'll be like in 10 years time. People who get married and are crazy in love end up having trouble because of the dull monotony of marriage, imagine what it's like with someone you're not even compatible with. 

If I were in your position, I'd break it off. You're meant to spend the rest of your life with this person and have children and raise a family together. If you're not compatible with each other you'll become  miserable and long for a partner you love and are actually compatible with later. After you get married you may end up extremely unhappy which may even affect your faith etc. And don’t give a second thought to what others tell you. What matters is your happiness and your Iman . If you marry him will you get closer to God? If you marry him will you be happy? In my opinion, if you marry a man who excites you and makes you happier, and who is also religious, he will make you love religion more and seek more knowledge. You'll want to pray together, read duas and Qur'an together etc.

Hope things go well. 

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No, definitely not. If you’re not compatible together, then you shouldn’t marry him. 

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On 3/19/2019 at 2:06 AM, Jannat786 said:

Assalamalykum,

I hope you’re all okay. So my parents recently set me up with this guy and while he’s a nice guy who’s religious and comes from a decent family I just find it very hard to make conversations with him. We can barely keep a conversation going and we have very different personalities and sense of humours. Personally, I rank sense of humour quite high because I’d want to be able to laugh and joke around with the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with and I think it also puts me off that he can’t speak Urdu. However, people keep telling me that these are silly reasons to say reject someone and that piousness is all that matters and now I’m so confused as to what to do. The guy sends me a message once in a day even though he comes online all the time and has seen my message but won’t bother replying which makes me feel like he’s not that interested in me either. 

I’m getting a lot of mixed signals from him which is making me get even more confused.

I’m sorry for such a long message but I’d appreciate any sort of advice and suggestions. 

Thank you! 

My first advice to you is not to listen to our advice. You know both yourself and him better than we do.

But based on what you describe: If his general personality doesn't appeal to you, I see little to no point in proceeding with the marriage. Likewise, if you speak Urdu and you want a husband who would be able to understand you in your native language: I don't see that as an unreasonable expectation.

However, regarding the last point, I.e. 

Quote

 

The guy sends me a message once in a day even though he comes online all the time and has seen my message but won’t bother replying which makes me feel like he’s not that interested in me either. 

I’m getting a lot of mixed signals from him which is making me get even more confused.

 

 

I think you'd better have an honest discussion with him rather than jump into conclusions. Maybe he is genuinely busy? Maybe he wants to talk with you more often; but he doesn't want to appear needy or annoying. If you are acting cold and distant (which would be understandable given the situation you describe), do not expect him to act differently.

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Don't marry someone who you can't maintain a conversation with. It's okay to not be talking 24/7, like we do need a break.

But if you find that it's hard to relate to him or in other words 'click', then it's alright if you reject him. You're going to spend the rest of your life with him, is it worth it? Be honest with yourself.

That's why some marriages fail. It's a lot about compatability too.

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On 3/20/2019 at 3:51 AM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Don't marry someone who you can't maintain a conversation with. It's okay to not be talking 24/7, like we do need a break.

But if you find that it's hard to relate to him or in other words 'click', then it's alright if you reject him. You're going to spend the rest of your life with him, is it worth it? Be honest with yourself.

That's why some marriages fail. It's a lot about compatability too.

@ali_fatheroforphans I really don’t find that I click with him. Our conversations feel more like interrogations. Once we run out of basic questions to ask we just don’t have anything to talk about. I don’t even look forward to talking to him or getting to know him. It’s been a couple of weeks now and all we’re doing is beating around the bush and asking the same questions like “oh so what do you study” in different ways. I’m only hesitating to reject him because he seems like a religious and nice person. Every Islamic lecture I watch only stresses on religiousness and morals but I just need some assurance that clicking with someone is just as important. I tried many times to make room for light conversation and to give him chances to make jokes or say something light hearted but he just ignores that and says something serious or religious in return. I don’t know if I can live my whole life with someone who can’t lighten up sometimes or is always so serious. I’ve never been this confused

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Maybe he is just shy around unfamiliar women. 

Maybe you should give it more time before you make a decision.

But if you absolutely can't imagine living your life with this person, it doesn't matter how nice, good, or religious he is, if you marry you will both be unhappy. 

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Firstly, most people are boring and have little to say. 

Secondly, engaging in conversations is a skill people develop. It doesn’t happen automatically because of shared backgrounds or interests. It’s an acquired talent. Just like those with knowledge don’t automatically become good teachers. It’s a separate skill set. 

Does he show interest in building this skill? People are growing up slower these days, so account for that. Also, most religious youth (especially Western raised English speaking ones) are socially awkward and maladapted, if this site is any indication (and real life as well). 

 

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2 hours ago, Reza said:

Firstly, most people are boring and have little to say. 

Secondly, engaging in conversations is a skill people develop. It doesn’t happen automatically because of shared backgrounds or interests. It’s an acquired talent. Just like those with knowledge don’t automatically become good teachers. It’s a separate skill set. 

Does he show interest in building this skill? People are growing up slower these days, so account for that. Also, most religious youth (especially Western raised English speaking ones) are socially awkward and maladapted, if this site is any indication (and real life as well). 

 

@Reza I’m not the most engaging person either. I’m actually quite introverted but I put in the effort to break the ice and make the other person as comfortable as possible by making light conversation and throwing in a funny remark here and there. I just don’t feel the same energy from him. I try to make light hearted conversations and he ignores it and goes back to asking the next serious question or he’ll say lol and move on. I give him chances to make a joke or say something funny but he completely ignores that as well. If he’s interested in me he doesn’t show it at all. He’ll barely talk to me unless someone in his family tells him to.

 I’ve even made it clear (since men can’t take hints apparently) that I like to joke around and add humour into everything and that I cannot open up to people that I can’t laugh with so that he doesn’t hold back from lightening up but it’s all in vain. I feel like I’m being interrogated all the time. Our conversations feel forced. I get that a person is supposed to be religious but this guy will only talk about religion and the news. I just think our personalities are very different. Everyone’s telling me to give him more time but the lack of interest and effort on his part puts me off. 

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