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In the Name of God بسم الله

Why do I always become the center of attention of Creepy men?

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rkazmi33

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Salam! This has become a very big problem in my life. Work place, ziyarat trips, family, everywhere I become the center of attention of the creepiest man. I am shy, introvert, and I have social anxiety, so of course I dislike the creepy men and their attempts to flirt with women. But my dislike always turns them into kind of a stalker. It has ruined my career. I used to work independently or among women mostly and I was doing good. But since Donald Trump became president, all the people criticize him so much but I feel like men like him have become popular and influential. What do these kind of men want from me?

It seems like metoo movement has not done anything for me. How do women find the support of other women against harassers? In my case, other women mostly push me towards these men. I guess they are relieved that creepy men is not focusing on them anymore, and they think "better her than me". If a woman dislikes you because of your creepiness, do you really think you can force her to like you by being even more creepy and inappropriate? These kind of guys are street smart, they can get away without doing much work, then they are bored and apparently I am the biggest source of entertainment. It gives me so much mental torture. I have to control my anger and resentment and I cannot focus on my work. I hate being the center of attention, and these men make me the center of attention of everyone, that's why I end up making more mistakes. What do these people achieve by torturing me every day for months? Why don't they get tired and bored of doing the same thing over and over again? 

They are mostly, poor, uneducated, older average looking men. Then they have the audacity to say that I am arrogant. I don't like to talk to them because they are poor or not good looking. Mostly the younger, good looking and educated men have more self respect. If I don't talk to them, they don't make it an issue. But these creepy men: I am surprised at the employers, they encourage these creepy men. Really what kind of complaint is this that She doesn't talk to me? I want to really say to them "How old are you? 5? " I feel like they are so promiscuous, they secretly hate me for being modest and they just want to punish me for being modest. 

Can someone please tell me how do I deal with these men so that I don't hurt their fragile ego and turn them into my stalkers? That's why I don't even want to get married. I know I will probably end up with some creepy man, there's no way a decent guy can come near me. My ex-husband was the biggest flirt himself, he hated my modesty. In fact he wanted me to remove hijab and he was very good friends with all the creepy uncles in the family. While all the other men care so much about looks, these creepy men apparently don't care about looks. Even when I am surrounded by younger and beautiful women, I still manage to get attention from these creepy men. After years of experience with these men, I have so much anger and resentment. If I get married to a creepy man, I will probably hate him and resent him from day one.

Being old and average looking is not an excuse for being creepy. I have seen FEW older men who are not creepy, and I respect them. I have become very careful about my social hijab. Since I feel so much resentment and anger towards such men, there's no way I am giving them any kind of wrong signal which encourages them. I cannot confront them. They never do anything that's obviously inappropriate. They mostly stare, try to stand very close or just make jokes while talking to other women. I feel they are just bullies. When women want to bully other women, they are openly mean. When men want to bully, they don't become mean, they just harass women. By observing how other women deal with them, I guess if I just talk with them in a friendly manner, flirt a little bit, giving them the assurance that I am not "out of their league" and they are "good enough" to have any woman they want, they will go away. But it's hard for me to lie, and it's hard for me to talk to any man in a friendly manner. 

 

Edited by rkazmi33
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If you’re shy and look visibly easily flustered

the creepy man will come out of the woodworks

and they will make it a point to bother becuase you keep to yourself and react to everything. These men see it as a past time and playtime.

sister I just pray you get out of such situations by walking away and showing a bit of power. 

This is something a modest woman has to deal with unfortunately 

one of the battles some girls have trouble mastering

show a little confidence even if fake. Or have somebody you trust by you around public places, like brother or father and trust me you’ll find some solace. Make it known to somebody you can trust about how you feel, maybe they can protect you as well.

I try to protect my sisters when I can. But sometimes it’s hard to see if Iam not told 

try your hardest to give them any time of day. Ignore them. Don’t react to them and don’t give them the opportunity to see you shy or flustered. This is a skill that takes time to perfect. You will have it in due time if you try and believe Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to be your protector 

Edited by Ralvi
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53 minutes ago, Ralvi said:

If you’re shy and look visibly easily flustered

the creepy man will come out of the woodworks

and they will make it a point to bother becuase you keep to yourself and react to everything. These men see it as a past time and playtime.

sister I just pray you get out of such situations by walking away and showing a bit of power. 

This is something a modest woman has to deal with unfortunately 

one of the battles some girls have trouble mastering

show a little confidence even if fake. Or have somebody you trust by you around public places, like brother or father and trust me you’ll find some solace. Make it known to somebody you can trust about how you feel, maybe they can protect you as well.

I try to protect my sisters when I can. But sometimes it’s hard to see if Iam not told 

try your hardest to give them any time of day. Ignore them. Don’t react to them and don’t give them the opportunity to see you shy or flustered. This is a skill that takes time to perfect. You will have it in due time if you try and believe Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to be your protector 

Yes, I am shy, and I have expressive face. Every emotion that I am feeling, it's very obvious from my face. It's very hard to not react to them, I either get uncomfortable or angry and both reactions amuse them. Thank you for your tips, I will try to ignore them. And I am glad you can understand. I can expect non-Muslims to not understand, but even my own family and community members don't understand this issue.

When I go to ziarat trips, I wear a niqab and surprisingly, such a simple solution has solved all my problems. I can avoid such men in family gatherings also. I only have problems at work place. I was hoping with #metoo movement, people will become aware and change their behavior, but I am disappointed that nothing has changed. I cannot trust anyone, in fact they just feel annoyed that I don't know how to deal with such men.

7, 8 years ago, work place environment was so much better, I am not sure if it was because I had more confidence or the work place environment was more professional.

Edited by rkazmi33
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36 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

Yes, I am shy, and I have expressive face. Every emotion that I am feeling, it's very obvious from my face. It's very hard to not react to them, I either get uncomfortable or angry and both reactions amuse them. Thank you for your tips, I will try to ignore them. And I am glad you can understand. I can expect non-Muslims to not understand, but even my own family and community members don't understand this issue.

When I go to ziarat trips, I wear a niqab and surprisingly, such a simple solution has solved all my problems. I can avoid such men in family gatherings also. I only have problems at work place. I was hoping with #metoo movement, people will become aware and change their behavior, but I am disappointed that nothing has changed. I cannot trust anyone, in fact they just feel annoyed that I don't know how to deal with such men.

7, 8 years ago, work place environment was so much better, I am not sure if it was because I had more confidence or the work place environment was more professional.

Yes I’d imagine covering up always helps. And don’t forget to not give those people time of day. In that case being judgemental helps(better than not since you’re a female) anticipate and give them a piece of your confidence and indifference. Especially if you know they have a predisposition to be problematic like this.

no unfortunately, People get away with such behaviors and think you want it. They’re used to be overly friendly but it’s just to hide their creepiness, since nobody will call them out on it

in that case it’s up to you to create boundaries. Such as being having (rbf) google it! And not to fall into their banter. Just Do your job and associate with those who share your values

good luck! 

Edited by Ralvi
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28 minutes ago, Ralvi said:

Yes I’d imagine covering up always helps. And don’t forget to not give those people time of day. In that case being judgemental helps(better than not since you’re a female) anticipate and give them a piece of your confidence and indifference. Especially if you know they have a predisposition to be problematic like this.

Such as being having (rbf) google it! And not to fall into their banter. Just Do your job and associate with those who share your values

good luck! 

Unfortunately I cannot wear niqab at work. I try to keep RBF, but it's very hard to do it for 8 hours. At my most recent job, there  is a group of 10-12 people who work in small groups. Other people get to work with different people but for some reason, I have to work with that creepy guy every single day. He is twice my age, I just want to tell him, you are very close to death, at least now come out of your teenage  phase and start thinking about your death and after life. 

Edited by rkazmi33
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14 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

Unfortunately I cannot wear niqab at work. I try to keep RBF, but it's very hard to do it for 8 hours. At my most recent job, there  is a group of 10-12 people who work in small groups. Other people get to work with different people but for some reason, I have to work with that creepy guy every single day. He is twice my age, I just want to tell him, you are very close to death, at least now come out of your teenage  phase and start thinking about your death and after life. 

Let your supervisor know you are uncomfortable. If you don’t speak up he will take that as a green light to do whatever. Ask for fairness to work with another team member, preferably female. Or at least that they change things around.

or if he tries anything you can be straight up and tell him he is being creepy. If he is the type of moron I think he is he will go ahead and ask to change teams. So there ya go the work Is done Without you complaining lol

you don’t have to put up with it, most people are decent so they should understand how you feel and accommodate 

Edited by Ralvi
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31 minutes ago, Ralvi said:

Let your supervisor know you are uncomfortable. If you don’t speak up he will take that as a green light to do whatever. Ask for fairness to work with another team member, preferably female. Or at least that they change things around.

or if he tries anything you can be straight up and tell him he is being creepy. If he is the type of moron I think he is he will go ahead and ask to change teams. So there ya go the work Is done Without you complaining lol

you don’t have to put up with it, most people are decent so they should understand how you feel and accommodate 

I just started this job and from next week I am going to second shift. He works in 1st shift, and hopefully stay in 1st shift. Another woman announced that she was going to 2nd shift. And he kept saying I am going to miss you so much. I want to go to 2nd shift with you. I don't understand why women allow such men to pass such creepy comments. Hopefully I won't have to deal with him after Friday. In just 1 and half weeks, he has annoyed me so much. Thankfully I don't have to work alone with him. There are mostly women, he is the only guy. 

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17 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

I just started this job and from next week I am going to second shift. He works in 1st shift, and hopefully stay in 1st shift. Another woman announced that she was going to 2nd shift. And he kept saying I am going to miss you so much. I want to go to 2nd shift with you. I don't understand why women allow such men to pass such creepy comments. Hopefully I won't have to deal with him after Friday. In just 1 and half weeks, he has annoyed me so much. Thankfully I don't have to work alone with him. There are mostly women, he is the only guy. 

That’s good to hear. I say if any man says anything gross just call him out on it. They will usually die from embarrassment 

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An Update! I quit from that job. In the second shift, there were other creepy men (one was ex-convict). I am so shocked. I have been dealing with non-Muslim men for 18 years, but it was mostly educated men. No one ever asked me out on a date. Few years ago, I worked among uneducated people for few months  but it was mostly women. They were yelling at me but it was mostly work related. This was my first experience with working at an odd job.  I heard so many humiliating personal comments about me. I wanted to lock myself in my house and never get out again. In my community, there's a stigma with working at odd jobs. I didn't understand it but now I understand. How do so many Muslim women work at odd jobs? That environment is so inappropriate for Muslim women. I am just surprised at how delusional these uneducated creepy men are. They really think if they try long enough, I will fall in love with a non-Muslim who is not equal to me in education and status, while I am 36 years old. I made the mistake of telling them I live with my parents in a single family house. And they thought I was a lottery ticket which could change their lives. 

Why is there such a big difference between educated and un-educated men? And all those Muslim women who work at odd jobs, how do they survive? I couldn't even survive for 2 months. When I told them I was leaving, they started speculating that I will get a sugar daddy to cover my expenses.  

Edited by rkazmi33
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So I just heard that another woman, who started working after me, quit from that company. I am so relieved that problem was not with me. It was indeed a bad environment. I just wanted to mention it in case other Muslim women get scared. It just feels good to know that you are right in an argument. I wish I could get that reassurance in case of other enemies. 

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