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Livia

My Asian friend... What to do?

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Hi all,

I'm going to make a long story short...let's just say I had this friend for 6 years and we were best friends. I knew her from graduate school and she was in the US temporarily to study. she's from an Asian country. I really thought she was a 'true' friend and truly cared about me and I was always grateful. but sometimes I felt that she has a superiority-complex and kind of self-centered like she only cares about herself .... I thought maybe I'm misunderstanding cuz of differences in culture. for 6 years, I was a great friend to her..always helping her whenever I can.....she always asked me for favours to do her & I always agreed. that's cuz I thought she was my best friend. In grad school I really helped her a lot guys and I never had a issue cuz I know her english is bad and she's not from the US. But after she finished grad school, I feel like she became a different person. I felt like I'm seeing her true face...one time she went to visit her country & came back to the US a year later. she asked me to do her a really big favour while in her country & I agreed. But when she came back, gosh I was really shocked! her manners and behaviour towards me changed. it's like she doesn't feel the need to "pretend" anymore. But then at the same time she still kept contacting me & wanting to meet me and buying dinners and stuff. she tried to show me that she was still my friend. but during that time guys she really offended me several times and I felt like being insulted..also I felt like she just didn't care about me. when I asked her for a very simple favour (I really needed help) she refused to help me. I was shocked guys especially after all that I've done for her! then I opened up honestly with her and we had a long talk. I told her how I feel and that I'm disappointed in her. I was honest the whole time and told her everything...she kept apologising and swearing to God that she never meant to insult/offend me on purpose. that she thought she was my best friend and thought she was doing good to me. she never ended our friendship or said anything about breaking up. only told me she hoped our friendship will be stronger. but when she left the US shes been distancing herself from me. I still emailed her for holidays & she replied back but she has never sent me an email first asking me how I was or anything. nothing at all like she doesn't want to talk to me.

now I've been pretty ill for the past 2 years and she knows that...I plan to visit her country soon (for medical treatment, not for her). she kind of knows I'm going to visit and told me she can help me with anything. that she's my friend and will be there for me. I want to give her a small gift for something (to payback something). But I don't plan to ask her for any help. When I visit her country, guys do u think I should contact her? let her know before that I'm visiting or after I leave? I can just mail the gift to her address but I don't know if she'll accept it...and if I go & don't contact her I worry it will make me look like a very low person. I don't want to be a low-mannered. what should I do guys? 

Edited by notme
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I guess if you need to be polite. And send her a greeting. Otherwise focus on yourself and getting better. Who knows she might inadvertently cause more harm to you. You should stay in contact with close ones by you whom you can trust :)

inshallah all goes well

feel better 

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I’ve had somewhat a simlair situation to yours, the answer is she’s simply using u by keeping ur friendship and she faked it the first couple of years and then got a little too comfortable, my answer to u is send her the gift and leave from there, she will look like a fool once u do this, and don’t ever forgive her, it’s 2019 u can never trust anyone. Friends come and go, rely on yourself ONLY.

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3 hours ago, Anonymous2144 said:

I’ve had somewhat a simlair situation to yours, the answer is she’s simply using u by keeping ur friendship and she faked it the first couple of years and then got a little too comfortable, my answer to u is send her the gift and leave from there, she will look like a fool once u do this, and don’t ever forgive her, it’s 2019 u can never trust anyone. Friends come and go, rely on yourself ONLY.

thanks for ur advice. but what do u mean she 'got a little too comfortable'? I understand u saying she was using me. also so u don't suggest I contact her at all when in her country?

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8 hours ago, Anonymous2144 said:

I’ve had somewhat a simlair situation to yours, the answer is she’s simply using u by keeping ur friendship and she faked it the first couple of years and then got a little too comfortable, my answer to u is send her the gift and leave from there, she will look like a fool once u do this, and don’t ever forgive her, it’s 2019 u can never trust anyone. Friends come and go, rely on yourself ONLY.

And who restrain their anger and pardon the people, for Allah loves the doers of good. 3:134

Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the ignorant. Al-A’raf 7:199

Say to those who believe that they should forgive those who expect not the days of Allah, as it is for Him to recompense people for what they have earned.45:14

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10 hours ago, Livia said:

Hi all,

I'm going to make a long story short...let's just say I had this friend for 6 years and we were best friends. I knew her from graduate school and she was in the US temporarily to study. she's from an Asian country. I really thought she was a 'true' friend and truly cared about me and I was always grateful. but sometimes I felt that she has a superiority-complex and kind of self-centered like she only cares about herself .... I thought maybe I'm misunderstanding cuz of differences in culture. for 6 years, I was a great friend to her..always helping her whenever I can.....she always asked me for favours to do her & I always agreed. that's cuz I thought she was my best friend. In grad school I really helped her a lot guys and I never had a issue cuz I know her english is bad and she's not from the US. But after she finished grad school, I feel like she became a different person. I felt like I'm seeing her true face...one time she went to visit her country & came back to the US a year later. she asked me to do her a really big favour while in her country & I agreed. But when she came back, gosh I was really shocked! her manners and behaviour towards me changed. it's like she doesn't feel the need to "pretend" anymore. But then at the same time she still kept contacting me & wanting to meet me and buying dinners and stuff. she tried to show me that she was still my friend. but during that time guys she really offended me several times and I felt like being insulted..also I felt like she just didn't care about me. when I asked her for a very simple favour (I really needed help) she refused to help me. I was shocked guys especially after all that I've done for her! then I opened up honestly with her and we had a long talk. I told her how I feel and that I'm disappointed in her. I was honest the whole time and told her everything...she kept apologising and swearing to God that she never meant to insult/offend me on purpose. that she thought she was my best friend and thought she was doing good to me. she never ended our friendship or said anything about breaking up. only told me she hoped our friendship will be stronger. but when she left the US shes been distancing herself from me. I still emailed her for holidays & she replied back but she has never sent me an email first asking me how I was or anything. nothing at all like she doesn't want to talk to me.

now I've been pretty ill for the past 2 years and she knows that...I plan to visit her country soon (for medical treatment, not for her). she kind of knows I'm going to visit and told me she can help me with anything. that she's my friend and will be there for me. I want to give her a small gift for something (to payback something). But I don't plan to ask her for any help. When I visit her country, guys do u think I should contact her? let her know before that I'm visiting or after I leave? I can just mail the gift to her address but I don't know if she'll accept it...and if I go & don't contact her I worry it will make me look like a very low person. I don't want to be a low-mannered. what should I do guys? 

I honestly hate people who are like that, it’s drives me crazy. It annoys me how people can be so cold hearted by being so mean and distant to a person whose done so much for them. Your situation is somewhat similar to one of my friends, who also went through the same thing, she had no choice but to cut off the toxic friendship. 

She is basically using you and wants to keep the friendship so that she can keep asking you for favours. Tell me one good favour she’s ever done for you throughout these years. I mean yeah forgive and forget, move on, but it’s hard to forget. And if you choose to continue being friends with the person, she won’t stop continuing her same habits even if she apologised 10 times. That’s just how some people are

im not saying stop talking to her or cut her off completely. Just don’t consider her your best friend anymore, and keep it distant. 

Theres nothing wrong with telling her you’re coming, see what she says. Just don’t spend too much time with her. People nowadays are just turning into toxic human beings.

may Allah make it easier for you and bring you someone better 

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2 hours ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

I honestly hate people who are like that, it’s drives me crazy. It annoys me how people can be so cold hearted by being so mean and distant to a person whose done so much for them. Your situation is somewhat similar to one of my friends, who also went through the same thing, she had no choice but to cut off the toxic friendship. 

She is basically using you and wants to keep the friendship so that she can keep asking you for favours. Tell me one good favour she’s ever done for you throughout these years. I mean yeah forgive and forget, move on, but it’s hard to forget. And if you choose to continue being friends with the person, she won’t stop continuing her same habits even if she apologised 10 times. That’s just how some people are

im not saying stop talking to her or cut her off completely. Just don’t consider her your best friend anymore, and keep it distant. 

Theres nothing wrong with telling her you’re coming, see what she says. Just don’t spend too much time with her. People nowadays are just turning into toxic human beings.

may Allah make it easier for you and bring you someone better 

thnx 4 ur advice. she's never done a single favour for me. the one time she did a really small favour I felt like she did it against her will. but kept a fake face the whole time.

I honestly just don’t know what to do. part of me wants to contact her when I go. but another part of me really wants to slap her in the face & let her know I was in her country and didn't give a **** about her...I need to give her the gift though cuz I don't want her to think she has anything above me. 

the thing is my family don't know whats going on btw us..they still think we're good friends (I've not tell them)..so they expect me to come back with pics of us 2...its going to be embarrassing to not have any pics

Edited by Livia

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Honestly your situation is very sad. I know what it feels like when you do so much and get nothing in return. You probably spend so much of your time thinking about her, it's because you're a genuine person.

Unfortunately it's the reality. Trust me it's with a lot of friendships these days. You might be so happy for that friend, will text them so eagerly and all. However they probably don't care about you as much. I'm no one to judge, but there's a high chance that she's not your true friend. You don't deserve this at all!

Don't be rude to her at all, like still be super nice. But if it's getting very obvious, you don't need to try to maintain this relationship.

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6 minutes ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Honestly your situation is very sad. I know what it feels like when you do so much and get nothing in return. You probably spend so much of your time thinking about her, it's because you're a genuine person.

Unfortunately it's the reality. Trust me it's with a lot of friendships these days. You might be so happy for that friend, will text them so eagerly and all. However they probably don't care about you as much. I'm no one to judge, but there's a high chance that she's not your true friend. You don't deserve this at all!

Don't be rude to her at all, like still be super nice. But if it's getting very obvious, you don't need to try to maintain this relationship.

thanks...u reminded me of how *super* nice she was in the beginning. always giving me gifts & buying dinners for me...why would anyone spend so much on a friend they don't care about?? that's what made me fall into the trap. No, I don't think about her so much. It's only that I don't know if to contact her when I go to her country. I plan to go soon that's the thing.

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7 hours ago, Livia said:

thanks for ur advice. but what do u mean she 'got a little too comfortable'? I understand u saying she was using me. also so u don't suggest I contact her at all when in her country?

Just send the gift to her if u can and move on.  She knew how you were to blind and weak to refuse things and u were willing to help her out, thus she got really comfortable after a few years and thought she can be more of herself around you since she knew u were weak. Her attitude makes it clear that she is using you. 

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4 hours ago, Abu Nur said:

And who restrain their anger and pardon the people, for Allah loves the doers of good. 3:134

Show forgiveness, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the ignorant. Al-A’raf 7:199

Say to those who believe that they should forgive those who expect not the days of Allah, as it is for Him to recompense people for what they have earned.45:14

I believe in “Eye for an Eye” I don’t forgive even though God gave me the option to. 

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3 hours ago, Jafar1400G said:

asians are cool people I always get along with them, they actually have a long history with Farsi speaking world as partners :)

it doesn't necessarily mean that they are all nice...I've had my fair share of their greediness and selfishness

Edited by Livia

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I want to include a short letter with my gift. Something that will hurt her..I want to tell her that her ex-husband who left her for another woman made the right decision. what do u guys think?

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22 minutes ago, Livia said:

it doesn't necessarily mean that they are all nice...I've had my fair share of their greediness and selfishness

of course, but you should know that their culture and customs are very good and they are very respectful and intelligent people. The people of Khurasan are their neighbors and have never had issues with them like they have had with other neighbors unfortunately.

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34 minutes ago, Livia said:

I want to include a short letter with my gift. Something that will hurt her..I want to tell her that her ex-husband who left her for another woman made the right decision. what do u guys think?

Don't do that. Be better than them and don't become like them who hurt you, you will be exactly same like them. Follow what Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) say, forgive them and move along and ignore them.

Is she a Muslim?

Edited by Abu Nur

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1 hour ago, Abu Nur said:

Don't do that. Be better than them and don't become like them who hurt you, you will be exactly same like them. Follow what Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) say, forgive them and move along and ignore them.

Is she a Muslim?

I know I probably shouldn't but the urge to send her a slap that would hurt her is very strong with me right now.

No she's korean but Christian. I don't think if she was Muslim that she would do that

Edited by Livia

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58 minutes ago, Jafar1400G said:

of course, but you should know that their culture and customs are very good and they are very respectful and intelligent people. The people of Khurasan are their neighbors and have never had issues with them like they have had with other neighbors unfortunately.

Aren't they Sunni? Why would have trouble with neighboring Sunni countries?

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29 minutes ago, Livia said:

No she's korean but Christian. I don't think if she was Muslim that she would be like her

If the friendship with Christian or Jews goes so far that you have love and it affects you and they influence you to un-Islamic behavior, such a friendship is not allowed. The best thing to do right now is just to cut the friendship in humble way and not in revenge way.

Edited by Abu Nur

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39 minutes ago, Abu Nur said:

If the friendship with Christian or Jews goes so far that you have love and it affects you and they influence you to un-Islamic behavior, such a friendship is not allowed. The best thing to do right now is just to cut the friendship in humble way and not in revenge way.

Ok I see what ur saying. but she never led me to un-Islamic behaviour to tell truth....she acted like she likes & respects Islam...don’t know if that too was fake...

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3 minutes ago, Livia said:

Ok I see what ur saying. but she never led me to un-Islamic behaviour to tell truth....she acted like she likes & respects Islam...don’t know if that too was fake...

Like you said, she is using you, that itself is enough proof for not be in such a friendship. Also un-Islamic behaviour can be any sinful act that they could encourage you to do with them.

Edited by Abu Nur

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1 hour ago, Livia said:

Aren't they Sunni? Why would have trouble with neighboring Sunni countries?

What I meant was other types of trouble related to war which was annoying, the cool thing about asians is when it came to the wars of khurasan and the Farsi ppl Asia supported us most of the time and got along very well thats why I have a lot of love and respect for them.

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2 hours ago, Livia said:

I want to include a short letter with my gift. Something that will hurt her..I want to tell her that her ex-husband who left her for another woman made the right decision. what do u guys think?

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Sister Livia, Assalam Alikum.  We are in the month of Rajab and entered the months of noor.  Before the month of Ramadhan arrives, we have two months prior to build up ourselves.  One of the beautiful traits of Islam is to forgive. 

Your Prophet is Rasoul Allah who was sent as Rahamatan lil 3lameen, the mercy of mankind.  Sending a letter to hurt her is not the answer.

Sister, it is not necessary to maintain this relationship.  You don't want to overstep your boundaries as far as oppressing her.  Even if she did horrible things to you, you don't respond in kind.

Take this as a life lesson, it is in the past,  our religion is not about holding grudges.  

As a Muslim you need to reflect on the usool al deen and remember that there is the Justice of God and there is Day of Judgement.  You don't want to do something you will regret later on.

Trust me sister, it isn't worth it.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

Edited by Laayla

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3 hours ago, Livia said:

I want to include a short letter with my gift. Something that will hurt her..I want to tell her that her ex-husband who left her for another woman made the right decision. what do u guys think?

No don’t be harsh, just send her the gift and move on, kill her with kindness. 

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1 hour ago, Laayla said:

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Sister Livia, Assalam Alikum.  We are in the month of Rajab and entered the months of noor.  Before the month of Ramadhan arrives, we have two months prior to build up ourselves.  One of the beautiful traits of Islam is to forgive. 

Your Prophet is Rasoul Allah who was sent as Rahamatan lil 3lameen, the mercy of mankind.  Sending a letter to hurt her is not the answer.

Sister, it is not necessary to maintain this relationship.  You don't want to overstep your boundaries as far as oppressing her.  Even if she did horrible things to you, you don't respond in kind.

Take this as a life lesson, it is in the past,  our religion is not about holding grudges.  

As a Muslim you need to reflect on the usool al deen and remember that there is the Justice of God and there is Day of Judgement.  You don't want to do something you will regret later on.

Trust me sister, it isn't worth it.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

thanks for ur kind words...do u think it's worth it to mail her the gift or only a card? cuz then there's no way that she'll know I was there and didn't acknowledge her "royal highness". And I really want to let her know this. It's the only way I can send her a slap

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Bismehe Ta3ala 

Assalam Alikum sister 

You know sister, a gift is to show appreciation, to bring the relationship closer, and to show kindness and friendship.

A small note saying, hi, I was in town and I thought about you and wanted to send you this gift for all the time we spent with each other. Even though I've been hurt by you in the past, I won't allow a sour feeling develop inside me.  Here is to a new beginning.  

Anything you want sister, but not a hurtful note.

God bless you.

M3 Salamah,  Fe Amin Allah 

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56 minutes ago, Laayla said:

Bismehe Ta3ala 

Assalam Alikum sister 

You know sister, a gift is to show appreciation, to bring the relationship closer, and to show kindness and friendship.

A small note saying, hi, I was in town and I thought about you and wanted to send you this gift for all the time we spent with each other. Even though I've been hurt by you in the past, I won't allow a sour feeling develop inside me.  Here is to a new beginning.  

Anything you want sister, but not a hurtful note.

God bless you.

M3 Salamah,  Fe Amin Allah 

thanks...but going by what others have posted here, it's pretty obvious this person doesn't want any new beginnings. And neither do I, frankly I'm disgusted like no tomorrow. I can't even one look in her face. but I see what ur saying..

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13 hours ago, Livia said:

thnx 4 ur advice. she's never done a single favour for me. the one time she did a really small favour I felt like she did it against her will. but kept a fake face the whole time.

I honestly just don’t know what to do. part of me wants to contact her when I go. but another part of me really wants to slap her in the face & let her know I was in her country and didn't give a **** about her...I need to give her the gift though cuz I don't want her to think she has anything above me. 

the thing is my family don't know whats going on btw us..they still think we're good friends (I've not tell them)..so they expect me to come back with pics of us 2...its going to be embarrassing to not have any pics

That part of you wanting to see her is your soft spot, because she's been your friend for a very long time. You can give her the gift, but it's better to mail it to her than seeing her face to face so that she can get a taste of her own medicine and realises how petty she's been to you. You honestly deserve someone so much better

And don't worry about your parents, it won't be embarrasing to them because they're your family. Just briefly explained what happened between youse and how youse went your seperate ways

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2 hours ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

That part of you wanting to see her is your soft spot, because she's been your friend for a very long time. You can give her the gift, but it's better to mail it to her than seeing her face to face so that she can get a taste of her own medicine and realises how petty she's been to you. You honestly deserve someone so much better

And don't worry about your parents, it won't be embarrasing to them because they're your family. Just briefly explained what happened between youse and how youse went your seperate ways

ok I see what ur saying. yes...it's my only chance to give her that bitter taste...but that's if she'll even care...honestly folks sometimes I think its not going to affect her at all. she's taken what she wanted from me & used me till the end of the rope. why should me slapping her matter to her now? she'll probably just brush it off.

another thing is that she could resend me the gift to my us address. as a way to say she doesn't want anything from me. I'll be the one getting slapped, not her. 

 

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@Livia I am beginning to think that might be a cultural misunderstanding.  If you don't want it, send it back with a polite "thank you" note. Don't hurt her, not worth it. 

If you want to end the relationship, write and sign the letter in red ink. She'll understand the meaning behind it. Don't bring up the husband or be catty.

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

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2 hours ago, Livia said:

ok I see what ur saying. yes...it's my only chance to give her that bitter taste...but that's if she'll even care...honestly folks sometimes I think its not going to affect her at all. she's taken what she wanted from me & used me till the end of the rope. why should me slapping her matter to her now? she'll probably just brush it off.

another thing is that she could resend me the gift to my us address. as a way to say she doesn't want anything from me. I'll be the one getting slapped, not her. 

 

You’re starting to see red.

be more blase and let it go to the past.

Send her a greeting and your plans of moving and wishing her success

you shouldn’t hold grudges. It mutates our souls more than the revenge that seems sweet

 

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Mail me the gift instead. I like apple products, cute stuffed animals, water bottles and mugs with positive sayings ,unique stationary, kawaiii stickers & keychains, bath and body works products and good quality makeup. Thnx

Edited by Miss Wonderful

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