My Asian friend... What to do?

[Livia]

18 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

@Livia I am beginning to think that might be a cultural misunderstanding.  If you don't want it, send it back with a polite "thank you" note. Don't hurt her, not worth it. 

If you want to end the relationship, write and sign the letter in red ink. She'll understand the meaning behind it. Don't bring up the husband or be catty.

thanks. But so what exactly is the cultural misunderstanding?

[Livia]

15 hours ago, Miss Wonderful said:

Mail me the gift instead. I like apple products, cute stuffed animals, water bottles and mugs with positive sayings ,unique stationary, kawaiii stickers & keychains, bath and body works products and good quality makeup. Thnx

Sure why not

[Murtaza1]

@Livia At first I thought you were a brother until I read the above comment by sister Laayla. Haha well since it's a sweet non haram friendship between two female sisters I wish you all the best sister. I hope you find your peace.

However I would advice you not to say anything that may hurt her about her divorce. I don't think you have any right to give your opinion about her marriage or divorce. To be honest I am not so sure now about what kind of feelings you have for her if you are thinking this way. Maybe you should ask your parents to get married you married to a nice Muslim boy. People in the west can develop such feelings.

Edited March 15, 2019 by Murtaza1

[Murtaza1]

On 3/13/2019 at 5:21 PM, Jafar1400G said:

of course, but you should know that their culture and customs are very good and they are very respectful and intelligent people. The people of Khurasan are their neighbors and have never had issues with them like they have had with other neighbors unfortunately.

You are right people of South Asia are very intelligent and Allah subhana wa tala has blessed them in big numbers.

The racial ethnic group of South Asian countries such as Pakistan remains to be mostly of Indian subcontinent blood. With a population of about two billion people or half of the world's population if you include China I can never imagine them being a victim of ethnic cleansing. Although the way people hate them they would have been wiped out a long time ago. I guess Allah subhana wa tala has blessed them. Sure Pakistan borders with some non-Asian countries such as Iran so it respects its neighbours but I don't thinks it's a major factor for most Pakistani's as they don't care.

If you want to see ethnic conflicts then you should see how light skinned North Indians and dark skin South Indians kill each other. Hitler wouldn't stand a chance.

Edited March 15, 2019 by Murtaza1

[Livia]

33 minutes ago, Murtaza1 said:

@Livia At first I thought you were a brother until I read the above comment by sister Laayla. Haha well since it's a sweet non haram friendship between two female sisters I wish you all the best sister. I hope you find your peace.

However I would advice you not to say anything that may hurt her about her divorce. I don't think you have any right to give your opinion about her marriage or divorce. To be honest I am not so sure now about what kind of feelings you have for her if you are thinking this way. Maybe you should ask your parents to get married you married to a nice Muslim boy. People in the west can develop such feelings.

no no no..pls don't get any such haram ideas. the only feelings I have now is anger at being treated as such and taken advantage of..as well as being lied to. all this from someone whom I have shown nothing but kindness to. just because a sister is upset from a female friend after many years of doing good to her & her family it's normal. especially when that sister has always given a helping hand. any sister in my place would be angry too. I was also kind to her family too, not just her.

and fyi she is the one who showed me extra 'friendly' emotions in the beginning and always giving me gifts & telling me nice words..I thought she was gay at first & I was careful with her until I realised she wasn't. she just had a hard time studying here & needed someone to 'help' her. why I want to offend her? cuz she's insulted me a few times too but made it a joke.

[Murtaza1]

@Livia Okay my apologies to make such a suggestion. You both sound sweet. Not many people exchange gifts these days. We should all revive this innocent tradition of giving each other gifts. Maybe then people might be more happier in the world. I was just seeing photos of Hitler and how he killed those Jews and especially innocent children by gassing them always brings a tear in my eyes. In contrast the idea of a peaceful world through an innocent exchange of gifts would be so enlightening.

Edited March 15, 2019 by Murtaza1

[Gaius I. Caesar]

5 hours ago, Livia said:

thanks. But so what exactly is the cultural misunderstanding?

I suspect it might have to do with the gift-giving. See, in Korea, gifts are a huge deal. There's a lot of trust in that act, I think you should reflect on this before writing a letter or sending the gift back.

However, it wouldn't explain the weird behavior towards you. 

[Livia]

7 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

I suspect it might have to do with the gift-giving. See, in Korea, gifts are a huge deal. There's a lot of trust in that act, I think you should reflect on this before writing a letter or sending the gift back.

However, it wouldn't explain the weird behavior towards you. 

Ok as you're saying it's cultural differences. But I think that helping a friend is more significant than petty gifts. It's not all about gifts. What such a superficial culture!

I did let her know this. I told her friendship is not all about gifts and that she's never given a hand to me. This really offended her and made it an excuse to distance herself from me.

[Gaius I. Caesar]

5 hours ago, Livia said:

What such a superficial culture!

It's more superficial to make sweeping judgments based on one bad experience but yes, the modern Korean culture is big on keeping appearances. There is a reason why Seoul is the "plastic surgery' capital of the world. Gift-keeping is just another way of maintaining that appearance. 

6 hours ago, Livia said:

I did let her know this. I told her friendship is not all about gifts and that she's never given a hand to me. This really offended her and made it an excuse to distance herself from me

Good, glad to hear. Not all Koreans are like her. I hope you understand and realize that.

[Livia]

On 3/15/2019 at 1:28 AM, Gaius I. Caesar said:

I suspect it might have to do with the gift-giving. See, in Korea, gifts are a huge deal. There's a lot of trust in that act, I think you should reflect on this before writing a letter or sending the gift back.

However, it wouldn't explain the weird behavior towards you. 

so I've just gotten an idea...guys pls tell me if its good. I'm thinking of sending her back most (if not all) of her gifts that she gave me from a long time. Also including the cost of her family's graduation dinner...I know this is low but I think it's the only thing that'll make me feel better now. I don't want her above me in any way. she'll not treat me like 2nd class just cuz of some presents & a dinner. My shoes are on top of her head. I believe sending back her gifts will make her understand this.

[Gaius I. Caesar]

1 hour ago, Livia said:

so I've just gotten an idea...guys pls tell me if its good. I'm thinking of sending her back most (if not all) of her gifts that she gave me from a long time. Also including the cost of her family's graduation dinner...I know this is low but I think it's the only thing that'll make me feel better now. I don't want her above me in any way. she'll not treat me like 2nd class just cuz of some presents & a dinner. My shoes are on top of her head. I believe sending back her gifts will make her understand this.

It's not low but I wouldn't recommend sending the cost of the graduation dinner because it's excessive and complicated. Just write the  letter in red ink, because she will understand you are terminating the relationship. Simple, cheap and non-confrontational. You could send everything else but why? What difference would it make?

[Livia]

1 hour ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

It's not low but I wouldn't recommend sending the cost of the graduation dinner because it's excessive and complicated. Just write the  letter in red ink, because she will understand you are terminating the relationship. Simple, cheap and non-confrontational. You could send everything else but why? What difference would it make?

I'll tell u why. Because she denied all of the times I've gone out of my way to help her and did her favours for 7 years. Not once did she acknowledge this during our argument. No thanks or appreciation. When I reminded her she brushed it off. But she made it a point to tell me about all the gifts she's given me through out the years. And how that makes her the "greatest friend in the world". But I was not. 

Why does her petty gifts matter but my helping her doesn't? It's bad enough she's never done a single thing for me.

And one of her "gifts" was some of her hand-me-down worn clothes. I didn't accept them, I found it very offensive. 

It's been a condescending friendship for me. She thinks that as long as she gives gifts, it's fine to step on her friends. 

Edited March 17, 2019 by Livia

[Gaius I. Caesar]

1 minute ago, Livia said:

I'll tell u why. Because she denied all of the times I've gone out of my way to help her and did her favours for 7 years. Not once did she acknowledge this during our argument. Didn't even tell me thanks or that she appreciated what I've done. When I reminded her she brushed it off. But she made it a point to tell me about all the gifts she's given me through out the years. And how that makes her the "greatest true friend in the world". But I was not. 

Why does her petty gifts matter but my helping her doesn't? It's bad enough she's never done a single thing for me.

And one of her "gifts" was some of her hand-me-down worn clothes. I didn't accept them, I found it very offensive. 

It's been a condescending friendship for me. She thinks that as long as she gives gifts, it's fine to step on her friends. 

I see, I can clearly understand why you would do this. Then I definitely agree with you and take back what I suggested earlier. You have the right idea, and no, it's not low at all.

[Livia]

UPDATE: 

I'd like to update y'all...so I did just hear from my friend..she's saying Hello and asking me how I was doing in terms of my illness. She actually wished me well. And wants me to seek treatment in the US when she visits so that she'll be there for me! 

I'm really surprised and grateful at the same time. I hadn't expected this from her, honestly, because of the hurtful things she has done & said to me...I guess she feels it wasn't right her behaviour...I feel that she wants to keep our friendship & I've truly forgiven her. 

I really want to apologize to any asians on this site if anything I said was offensive or hurtful...I take back all that I've said & also about her...Being ill and having your best close friend desert u during ur hardships is very disappointing & upsetting..I guess I've said mean things out of being truly hurt & heart-broken by her...I know for 100% that asians are good-hearted, friendly, & polite people. Honestly speaking, she was the only Asian I ever met who behaved the way she did...But I was wrong to judge based on one person. 

Edited April 1, 2019 by Livia

[Murtaza1]

14 minutes ago, Livia said:

I really want to apologize to any asians on this site if anything I said was offensive or hurtful...I take back all that I've said & also about her...

I'm glad to hear things are working out between you two. The only thing I find funny is that in the United Kingdom the term Asian is referred to people of south Asian origin such as Pakistani, Indian, Bangladeshi or Sri Lankan lol 

[Gaius I. Caesar]

1 hour ago, Livia said:

UPDATE: 

I'd like to update y'all...so I did just hear from my friend..she's saying Hello and asking me how I was doing in terms of my illness. She actually wished me well. And wants me to seek treatment in the US when she visits so that she'll be there for me! 

I'm really surprised and grateful at the same time. I hadn't expected this from her, honestly, because of the hurtful things she has done & said to me...I guess she feels it wasn't right her behaviour...I feel that she wants to keep our friendship & I've truly forgiven her. 

I really want to apologize to any asians on this site if anything I said was offensive or hurtful...I take back all that I've said & also about her...Being ill and having your best close friend desert u during ur hardships is very disappointing & upsetting..I guess I've said mean things out of being truly hurt & heart-broken by her...I know for 100% that asians are good-hearted, friendly, & polite people. Honestly speaking, she was the only Asian I ever met who behaved the way she did...But I was wrong to judge based on one person. 

Alhamdullilah, I'm glad to hear that.

[habib e najjaar]

After all the hype. 

Women will be women.