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In the Name of God بسم الله
smiiley001

Marriage: to stay or leave

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Salam Everyone,

I will try and keep this as short as possible.

I have been married 8years now to a person I deeply love. But, by the time I met him, I had been sexually active (not mut'a). We met, and we both felt our personalities were perfect for eachother. He told me about his sexual past, which he had, but I lied to him about mine and told him I was a virgin, I did this because he insisted that he only wanted to marry a virgin. To this day I regret that, because I now realize how so much hurt could have been avoided. Anyway half way into the marriage, I confessed everything, he was of course devastated. In addition, throughout the marriage, he found out on his own that I masturbated, even during times when he was home. It was an addiction I developed even before we got married. Note that all this happened within the same period. He was very broken, because he really felt he was in a marriage filled with trust and so much positivity. after finding out about everything, he told me he needed me to be very open and honest moving forward especially with regards to the masturbation and he wanted to know everything about my past. I tried to tell him in the beginning but at times he would get really angry and say some hurtful things to me, so I just stopped. with regards to the masturbation, it has always been my goal to just stop it completely because I know its against the deen. so I worked on myself and over the past two years, ive done it maybe 5 times, unlike before. so far this year, I havent done it at all, and I pray to Allah that I continue this way. so when I saw that I had reduced the times I would masturbate, I stopped telling him, but he figured that I was still doing it and was just not telling him. so that just made things worse.

Eventually all this led him to a sort of depression, he had already come into the marriage with some negative baggage from his extended family and his father, so this just made things worse. He started seeking other girls that he could establish that kind of trust which we didnt have, and in turn that made me jealous and we fought over it alot. again, that just made him feel so much negativity. 

Finally last year, he told me he could no longer continue with the marraige, and around the same time he went into mut'a with a lady, shes non-Muslim and he says she makes him extremely happy. they have developed an understanding and trust and that he feels very much at peace with his life. he says right now he feels he prefers to live his life surrounded by only people that make him happy, anyone that will bring negativity, he doesnt want. 

so right now he spends 3-4days a week with me at home and the other days hes with her. but, the only reason hes with me is because his mother advised him to not divorce me. she has also told me to be patient, everyone goes through different hurdles in life and that one day we will look back and laugh at all this. 

when I talk to him, he seems very happy with this other lady, he takes her out to dinner, they do alot of stuff that we don’t do and havent done in such a long time. when hes going to go see her, he makes sure he showers, wears cologne, he shaves every few days. whereas when it was just us, he'd go the whole day without showering, I would have to beg him sometimes to shave. and when I told him that, he said, he is now filled with so much positive energy thats why. that when hes with her, hes at peace. but that for now he doesnt plan to spend the rest of his life with her because he has other goals in life he wants to achieve and he doesnt think shel fit in. for eg, he eventually wants to move back home, and he doesnt think shel fit in, whereas, il fit in back home but not so much here. 

right now, we sleep in separate bedrooms, we only have sex when he wants to, since he gets it from her. ive found condoms and some of her underwear in his room, which I asked him about and he said she stayed with him for a bit when I was away. 

im just so confused now because hes at a point where his source of happiness is not from me. I guess id like to know, especially from the men and maybe people that have been married long, is there really a way to rekindle this. is this really too far broken and I should just walk away? im trying to maintain peace and positivity between us at all times, but im not sure if he sees/appreciates anything I do anymore. 

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Just leave and enjoy life, and find a really good hobby that takes u away from masterbating, when u feel the urge get yourself busy if it’s at night watch a funny movie (there is plenty) or watch video about the Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام) and how great our Imams (عليه السلام) were and the Prophets (peace being upon them). spend some quality time with LOYAL friends or family 

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This relationship is very strange. 

First, he had a past—yet hypocritically insists on a virgin? Sorry, brother. If you (the man) isn’t a virgin, he can’t expect one in someone else. He sounds entitled. Men can’t just have their fun and then pick a woman who has never even talked with a guy. That’s not how it works. In Islam, both men and women have to guard themselves and prevent haram situations. The responsibility is not only on women.

Second, what’s his freak out about you masturbating? I get that some people don’t like it in their spouse, but a person who is empathetic will understand that many people struggle and that they will try to help you overcome it. Not get angry and throw a fit. Getting angry over someone else’s struggle doesn’t help the two of you or your relationship at all. 

Third, mutah with a non-Muslim is haram (when one is married) according to some marja. It sounds like he’s looking for an excuse to emotionally and physically disconnect from your relationship. It has nothing to do with your past, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He’s the one being selfish. Does he think that people are masoom and sinless? Why does he expect a woman to not have desires while he fulfills every haram and every halal desire just because he’s a man?  

Fourth, the fact that he uses you for sex only when he wants it and it’s not a mutual thing shows that he doesn’t care about what you want at all. He seems like the kind of person to deny you sex and intimacy when you ask for it, while he expects it on demand. 

Very imbalanced relationship. I’m sorry, OP.

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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11 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Second, what’s his freak out about you masturbating? I get that some people don’t like it in their spouse, but a person who is empathetic will understand that many people struggle and that they will try to help you overcome it. Not get angry and throw a fit. Getting angry over someone else’s struggle doesn’t help the two of you or your relationship at all. 

A man or a women would normally get upset if they found out, because they think there not good enough (by that I mean in bed and or in some factors in general) this is why they get angry or upset, in the girls case extremely heartbroken and feels really crap about herself. 

Edited by Anonymous2144

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I can tell you that, as a man, his worst nightmare just came true. The worst possible scenario that a man can imagine when it comes to marriage, is that the wife he married and invested so much time, energy, etc, in has been with another man and lied about it. Actually, the worst possible scenario is that he actually knows the person and has to live with the shame and humiliation of knowing that this guy, who he knows, has intimate knowledge of his wife and he wasn't aware of it. As a women, I know it may be hard to imagine, and you might not believe me, but ask any man in your life who practices Islam, and therefore has 'haiyba' (no exact translation for this but close to chivelry, honor in a positive sense) and he will tell you approximately the same thing. 

So you have to try to look at it from his perspective. That is why, in Islam, and I have posted about this before, if someone in the community knows, for sure, that a marriage is going to take place, and the potential spouse is lying about this fact, it is there obligation to tell the other potential spouse what they know and not exaggerate. Because if people get married with these types of secrets, 99% chance the other spouse will find out eventually, and 99% chance this will destroy the marriage. So this should be a note of caution. Brothers and Sisters, if you want your marriage to last, don't lie about these issues. 

It is true (as has been said above) that some marjaa' say (including the one I follow, Sayyid Fadlallah(ra)) that if a man is married to a muslima and he wants to take a second wife who is not muslima (I.e. Ahl Al Kitab), he must get the permission of his first wife, otherwise his marriage (to the other women) is not a valid marriage, from the point of view of Islam, I.e. it is Zina. Not all marjaa' have this opinion regarding second marriage. I don't know him, but he is probably trying to process this right now. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help you and your husband to reconcile. 

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On 3/10/2019 at 1:52 PM, smiiley001 said:

Salam Everyone,

I will try and keep this as short as possible.

I have been married  

Salam,

May God grant the two of you peace and reconciliation.  With Him all things are possible.  So pray for whatever you want but also do the right thing if the situation calls for it.

Your husband wanted a virgin and made it clear before the marriage began.  It was his right that you tell him about your past.  So you have done the wrong thing.  What you are now facing is simply a reaction of your action or an effect of something you have caused (of something wrong that you did), I.e. bad Karma.  Just be aware of it, and understand that all that is happening is now taking place because God is wise and just... and perhaps thank God for that.  But do also seek for His mercy NOW inshallah.

As far as your husband is concerned, he has his own battles to face (it may be selfish on his part to sleep with someone else and thereby hurt your feelings and tell you how positive he feels with someone else.  I think he should be compassionate to you by either divorcing you or forgiving you and making things work out between the two of you.

Edited by Hameedeh
Extremely long quote was shortened in length.

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1 hour ago, eThErEaL said:

Salam,

May God grant the two of you peace and reconciliation.  With Him all things are possible.  So pray for whatever you want but also do the right thing if the situation calls for it.

Your husband wanted a virgin and made it clear before the marriage began.  It was his right that you tell him about your past.  So you have done the wrong thing.  What you are now facing is simply a reaction of your action or an effect of something you have caused (of something wrong that you did), I.e. bad Karma.  Just be aware of it, and understand that all that is happening is now taking place because God is wise and just... and perhaps thank God for that.  But do also seek for His mercy NOW inshallah.

As far as your husband is concerned, he has his own battles to face (it may be selfish on his part to sleep with someone else and thereby hurt your feelings and tell you how positive he feels with someone else.  I think he should be compassionate to you by either divorcing you or forgiving you and making things work out between the two of you.

The guy is facing karma not the girl, I’ll post a short post on why it is that case by Prophet David (عليه السلام) tomorrow inshallah, it’s late were I am. 

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1 hour ago, Anonymous2144 said:

The guy is facing karma not the girl, I’ll post a short post on why it is that case by Prophet David (عليه السلام) tomorrow inshallah, it’s late were I am. 

I think everyone is facing their karma.  :)

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Salam Smiiley001,

You are being treated badly, very badly - guess you know that.  But if you need confirmation from someone - here it is!  

He is humiliating, degrading and disrespecting not only you but himself and his family, with this behaviour.  He says he is happy in his haram union, so let it be - it is his error.  It is his issue to deal with and ultimately he WILL need to deal with it.  

It is only of cultural consequence what he thinks of your past and whatever fragilities he has around that. Islamically, you do not have to be a virgin to be married and you can marry a non virgin.  That was exemplified many times by the Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)).  But, you were in error to lie. However, you are willing to discuss it with him. To do that, he needs to put on his big boy pants to work with you and come to an understanding and hopefully, forgiveness.  He has proven that he, as well, is also capable of sin and so is in no situation to permanently condemn you.  The difference is that you are seeking forgiveness for yours and he is celebrating his.

His mother is basically telling you to let him have his fun (and this attitude is probably what created this perpetual little boy in the first place)  and lay back and wait for him to finish with this woman (and he will finish with her as it has no foundation nor support) and all will be fine.  It won’t be fine.  

His way of dealing with interpersonal challenges is to avoid, escape and deflect.  Real men don't do that.  Real men face their problems head on and don't continually primp a fragile ego. You deserve a real man.  You deserve a man who is ready for the challenges and rewards of adulthood through the life struggle of remaining on a righteous path.  

Don't know if you need to hear this as well, but given his not so Islamic behaviour and his ethical and moral lassitude, you are under no obligation to stay. 

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1 hour ago, Maryaam said:

Salam Smiiley001,

You are being treated badly, very badly - guess you know that.  But if you need confirmation from someone - here it is!  

He is humiliating, degrading and disrespecting not only you but himself and his family, with this behaviour.  He says he is happy in his haram union, so let it be - it is his error.  It is his issue to deal with and ultimately he WILL need to deal with it.  

It is only of cultural consequence what he thinks of your past and whatever fragilities he has around that. Islamically, you do not have to be a virgin to be married and you can marry a non virgin.  That was exemplified many times by the Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)).  But, you were in error to lie. However, you are willing to discuss it with him. To do that, he needs to put on his big boy pants to work with you and come to an understanding and hopefully, forgiveness.  He has proven that he, as well, is also capable of sin and so is in no situation to permanently condemn you.  The difference is that you are seeking forgiveness for yours and he is celebrating his.

His mother is basically telling you to let him have his fun (and this attitude is probably what created this perpetual little boy in the first place)  and lay back and wait for him to finish with this woman (and he will finish with her as it has no foundation nor support) and all will be fine.  It won’t be fine.  

His way of dealing with interpersonal challenges is to avoid, escape and deflect.  Real men don't do that.  Real men face their problems head on and don't continually primp a fragile ego. You deserve a real man.  You deserve a man who is ready for the challenges and rewards of adulthood through the life struggle of remaining on a righteous path.  

Don't know if you need to hear this as well, but given his not so Islamic behaviour and his ethical and moral lassitude, you are under no obligation to stay. 

Not disagreeing with you.  But I would like to emphasize that it is a pretty serious error to lie about something like that when the person expressed how important it was to him.  Is there room for hope and reconciliation, inshallah.  But the consequence she is facing and hurdle she has to deal with (the drama) is only an effect of an action.. it is something that has to play out.

Edited by eThErEaL

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Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum.

As usual no one addresses the fornication, lying, deceit, masturbation that took place on her side, but just wants to blame and focus on the fault of her husband.

Only Hajj @Abu Hadi & brother @eThErEaL  have the decency of explaining what went wrong. Thank you for courage and your regard for morality in Islam.   Sub7an'Allah, people fear speaking truth these days.  

God help the state of the Muslims.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

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3 hours ago, eThErEaL said:

Not disagreeing with you.  But I would like to emphasize that it is a pretty serious error to lie about something like that when the person expressed how important it was to him.  Is there room for hope and reconciliation, inshallah.  But the consequence she is facing and hurdle she has to deal with (the drama) is only an effect of an action.. it is something that has to play out.

It has played out.  It is over and she needs to move on to the next stage in her life, as he has in his.

She appears to have accepted her wrong doing and is remorseful.  No one is accountable for her behaviour but her..  She has acknowledged the lie and hoped for forgiveness. That has not happened and it is his right to not forgive.

He has said that he does not accept her once he knew that she had lied to him.  "Finally last year, he told me he could no longer continue with the marraige, and around the same time he went into mut'a with a lady, shes non-Muslim and he says she makes him extremely happy."

I disagree that his behaviour is an effect of an action.  It is not even a reaction to another action....it is simply someone looking for justification for zina.  Therein lies the problem - there is no justification for zina.  And trying to cloud the reality of his behaviour by merging (pseudo-sanitizing?) it with her behaviour (and somehow hold her accountable for HIS behaviour) does not work outside of his hedonistic, non-remorseful, little world..  The only person who is accountable for his behaviour is him.  No one else.  No one else will be held accountable either in this world or the next.  Only him.

In the meantime, the OP is still married to him and he still has obligations towards her - obligations he is not fulfilling.  Given his statement above, he should let her go; he should divorce her.  But instead, he has chosen to treat her with extreme disrespect and has pushed her into some kind of discard pile that he retrieves occasionally for his own needs.  Lovely.  Nothing about this man indicates strength of character.  

I don't understand the posts about reconciliation as  he has shown no move towards reconciliation; he gives no evidence nor appearance of intention to try reconciliation; he has not tried to reach any kind of compromise, understanding, agreement, consensus, etc.. He has clearly stated that the marriage is over for him.  What he has chosen to engage in has absolutely nothing to do with the OP... he has made it clear that she is no longer in the picture. He is just happy in his haram relationship that requires little responsibility or accountability or long term obligation.  He has what is important to him.  

It has played out.

 

Edited by Maryaam

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4 minutes ago, Laayla said:

Sister @Maryaam why are you saying her husband committed zina?

He took a second wife who is Ahl al Kitab without permission of his first wife.  He said the marriage was over but has not divorced his first wife so he would still need her permission.

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