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smiiley001

Marriage: to stay or leave

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Salam Everyone,

I will try and keep this as short as possible.

I have been married 8years now to a person I deeply love. But, by the time I met him, I had been sexually active (not mut'a). We met, and we both felt our personalities were perfect for eachother. He told me about his sexual past, which he had, but I lied to him about mine and told him I was a virgin, I did this because he insisted that he only wanted to marry a virgin. To this day I regret that, because I now realize how so much hurt could have been avoided. Anyway half way into the marriage, I confessed everything, he was of course devastated. In addition, throughout the marriage, he found out on his own that I masturbated, even during times when he was home. It was an addiction I developed even before we got married. Note that all this happened within the same period. He was very broken, because he really felt he was in a marriage filled with trust and so much positivity. after finding out about everything, he told me he needed me to be very open and honest moving forward especially with regards to the masturbation and he wanted to know everything about my past. I tried to tell him in the beginning but at times he would get really angry and say some hurtful things to me, so I just stopped. with regards to the masturbation, it has always been my goal to just stop it completely because I know its against the deen. so I worked on myself and over the past two years, ive done it maybe 5 times, unlike before. so far this year, I havent done it at all, and I pray to Allah that I continue this way. so when I saw that I had reduced the times I would masturbate, I stopped telling him, but he figured that I was still doing it and was just not telling him. so that just made things worse.

Eventually all this led him to a sort of depression, he had already come into the marriage with some negative baggage from his extended family and his father, so this just made things worse. He started seeking other girls that he could establish that kind of trust which we didnt have, and in turn that made me jealous and we fought over it alot. again, that just made him feel so much negativity. 

Finally last year, he told me he could no longer continue with the marraige, and around the same time he went into mut'a with a lady, shes non-Muslim and he says she makes him extremely happy. they have developed an understanding and trust and that he feels very much at peace with his life. he says right now he feels he prefers to live his life surrounded by only people that make him happy, anyone that will bring negativity, he doesnt want. 

so right now he spends 3-4days a week with me at home and the other days hes with her. but, the only reason hes with me is because his mother advised him to not divorce me. she has also told me to be patient, everyone goes through different hurdles in life and that one day we will look back and laugh at all this. 

when I talk to him, he seems very happy with this other lady, he takes her out to dinner, they do alot of stuff that we don’t do and havent done in such a long time. when hes going to go see her, he makes sure he showers, wears cologne, he shaves every few days. whereas when it was just us, he'd go the whole day without showering, I would have to beg him sometimes to shave. and when I told him that, he said, he is now filled with so much positive energy thats why. that when hes with her, hes at peace. but that for now he doesnt plan to spend the rest of his life with her because he has other goals in life he wants to achieve and he doesnt think shel fit in. for eg, he eventually wants to move back home, and he doesnt think shel fit in, whereas, il fit in back home but not so much here. 

right now, we sleep in separate bedrooms, we only have sex when he wants to, since he gets it from her. ive found condoms and some of her underwear in his room, which I asked him about and he said she stayed with him for a bit when I was away. 

im just so confused now because hes at a point where his source of happiness is not from me. I guess id like to know, especially from the men and maybe people that have been married long, is there really a way to rekindle this. is this really too far broken and I should just walk away? im trying to maintain peace and positivity between us at all times, but im not sure if he sees/appreciates anything I do anymore. 

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Just leave and enjoy life, and find a really good hobby that takes u away from masterbating, when u feel the urge get yourself busy if it’s at night watch a funny movie (there is plenty) or watch video about the Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام) and how great our Imams (عليه السلام) were and the Prophets (peace being upon them). spend some quality time with LOYAL friends or family 

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11 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Second, what’s his freak out about you masturbating? I get that some people don’t like it in their spouse, but a person who is empathetic will understand that many people struggle and that they will try to help you overcome it. Not get angry and throw a fit. Getting angry over someone else’s struggle doesn’t help the two of you or your relationship at all. 

A man or a women would normally get upset if they found out, because they think there not good enough (by that I mean in bed and or in some factors in general) this is why they get angry or upset, in the girls case extremely heartbroken and feels really crap about herself. 

Edited by Anonymous2144

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I can tell you that, as a man, his worst nightmare just came true. The worst possible scenario that a man can imagine when it comes to marriage, is that the wife he married and invested so much time, energy, etc, in has been with another man and lied about it. Actually, the worst possible scenario is that he actually knows the person and has to live with the shame and humiliation of knowing that this guy, who he knows, has intimate knowledge of his wife and he wasn't aware of it. As a women, I know it may be hard to imagine, and you might not believe me, but ask any man in your life who practices Islam, and therefore has 'haiyba' (no exact translation for this but close to chivelry, honor in a positive sense) and he will tell you approximately the same thing. 

So you have to try to look at it from his perspective. That is why, in Islam, and I have posted about this before, if someone in the community knows, for sure, that a marriage is going to take place, and the potential spouse is lying about this fact, it is there obligation to tell the other potential spouse what they know and not exaggerate. Because if people get married with these types of secrets, 99% chance the other spouse will find out eventually, and 99% chance this will destroy the marriage. So this should be a note of caution. Brothers and Sisters, if you want your marriage to last, don't lie about these issues. 

It is true (as has been said above) that some marjaa' say (including the one I follow, Sayyid Fadlallah(ra)) that if a man is married to a muslima and he wants to take a second wife who is not muslima (I.e. Ahl Al Kitab), he must get the permission of his first wife, otherwise his marriage (to the other women) is not a valid marriage, from the point of view of Islam, I.e. it is Zina. Not all marjaa' have this opinion regarding second marriage. I don't know him, but he is probably trying to process this right now. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help you and your husband to reconcile. 

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On 3/10/2019 at 1:52 PM, smiiley001 said:

Salam Everyone,

I will try and keep this as short as possible.

I have been married  

Salam,

May God grant the two of you peace and reconciliation.  With Him all things are possible.  So pray for whatever you want but also do the right thing if the situation calls for it.

Your husband wanted a virgin and made it clear before the marriage began.  It was his right that you tell him about your past.  So you have done the wrong thing.  What you are now facing is simply a reaction of your action or an effect of something you have caused (of something wrong that you did), I.e. bad Karma.  Just be aware of it, and understand that all that is happening is now taking place because God is wise and just... and perhaps thank God for that.  But do also seek for His mercy NOW inshallah.

As far as your husband is concerned, he has his own battles to face (it may be selfish on his part to sleep with someone else and thereby hurt your feelings and tell you how positive he feels with someone else.  I think he should be compassionate to you by either divorcing you or forgiving you and making things work out between the two of you.

Edited by Hameedeh
Extremely long quote was shortened in length.

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1 hour ago, eThErEaL said:

Salam,

May God grant the two of you peace and reconciliation.  With Him all things are possible.  So pray for whatever you want but also do the right thing if the situation calls for it.

Your husband wanted a virgin and made it clear before the marriage began.  It was his right that you tell him about your past.  So you have done the wrong thing.  What you are now facing is simply a reaction of your action or an effect of something you have caused (of something wrong that you did), I.e. bad Karma.  Just be aware of it, and understand that all that is happening is now taking place because God is wise and just... and perhaps thank God for that.  But do also seek for His mercy NOW inshallah.

As far as your husband is concerned, he has his own battles to face (it may be selfish on his part to sleep with someone else and thereby hurt your feelings and tell you how positive he feels with someone else.  I think he should be compassionate to you by either divorcing you or forgiving you and making things work out between the two of you.

The guy is facing karma not the girl, I’ll post a short post on why it is that case by Prophet David (عليه السلام) tomorrow inshallah, it’s late were I am. 

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1 hour ago, Anonymous2144 said:

The guy is facing karma not the girl, I’ll post a short post on why it is that case by Prophet David (عليه السلام) tomorrow inshallah, it’s late were I am. 

I think everyone is facing their karma.  :)

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1 hour ago, Maryaam said:

Salam Smiiley001,

You are being treated badly, very badly - guess you know that.  But if you need confirmation from someone - here it is!  

He is humiliating, degrading and disrespecting not only you but himself and his family, with this behaviour.  He says he is happy in his haram union, so let it be - it is his error.  It is his issue to deal with and ultimately he WILL need to deal with it.  

It is only of cultural consequence what he thinks of your past and whatever fragilities he has around that. Islamically, you do not have to be a virgin to be married and you can marry a non virgin.  That was exemplified many times by the Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)).  But, you were in error to lie. However, you are willing to discuss it with him. To do that, he needs to put on his big boy pants to work with you and come to an understanding and hopefully, forgiveness.  He has proven that he, as well, is also capable of sin and so is in no situation to permanently condemn you.  The difference is that you are seeking forgiveness for yours and he is celebrating his.

His mother is basically telling you to let him have his fun (and this attitude is probably what created this perpetual little boy in the first place)  and lay back and wait for him to finish with this woman (and he will finish with her as it has no foundation nor support) and all will be fine.  It won’t be fine.  

His way of dealing with interpersonal challenges is to avoid, escape and deflect.  Real men don't do that.  Real men face their problems head on and don't continually primp a fragile ego. You deserve a real man.  You deserve a man who is ready for the challenges and rewards of adulthood through the life struggle of remaining on a righteous path.  

Don't know if you need to hear this as well, but given his not so Islamic behaviour and his ethical and moral lassitude, you are under no obligation to stay. 

Not disagreeing with you.  But I would like to emphasize that it is a pretty serious error to lie about something like that when the person expressed how important it was to him.  Is there room for hope and reconciliation, inshallah.  But the consequence she is facing and hurdle she has to deal with (the drama) is only an effect of an action.. it is something that has to play out.

Edited by eThErEaL

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Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum.

As usual no one addresses the fornication, lying, deceit, masturbation that took place on her side, but just wants to blame and focus on the fault of her husband.

Only Hajj @Abu Hadi & brother @eThErEaL  have the decency of explaining what went wrong. Thank you for courage and your regard for morality in Islam.   Sub7an'Allah, people fear speaking truth these days.  

God help the state of the Muslims.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

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3 hours ago, eThErEaL said:

Not disagreeing with you.  But I would like to emphasize that it is a pretty serious error to lie about something like that when the person expressed how important it was to him.  Is there room for hope and reconciliation, inshallah.  But the consequence she is facing and hurdle she has to deal with (the drama) is only an effect of an action.. it is something that has to play out.

It has played out.  It is over and she needs to move on to the next stage in her life, as he has in his.

She appears to have accepted her wrong doing and is remorseful.  No one is accountable for her behaviour but her..  She has acknowledged the lie and hoped for forgiveness. That has not happened and it is his right to not forgive.

He has said that he does not accept her once he knew that she had lied to him.  "Finally last year, he told me he could no longer continue with the marraige, and around the same time he went into mut'a with a lady, shes non-Muslim and he says she makes him extremely happy."

I disagree that his behaviour is an effect of an action.  It is not even a reaction to another action....it is simply someone looking for justification for zina.  Therein lies the problem - there is no justification for zina.  And trying to cloud the reality of his behaviour by merging (pseudo-sanitizing?) it with her behaviour (and somehow hold her accountable for HIS behaviour) does not work outside of his hedonistic, non-remorseful, little world..  The only person who is accountable for his behaviour is him.  No one else.  No one else will be held accountable either in this world or the next.  Only him.

In the meantime, the OP is still married to him and he still has obligations towards her - obligations he is not fulfilling.  Given his statement above, he should let her go; he should divorce her.  But instead, he has chosen to treat her with extreme disrespect and has pushed her into some kind of discard pile that he retrieves occasionally for his own needs.  Lovely.  Nothing about this man indicates strength of character.  

I don't understand the posts about reconciliation as  he has shown no move towards reconciliation; he gives no evidence nor appearance of intention to try reconciliation; he has not tried to reach any kind of compromise, understanding, agreement, consensus, etc.. He has clearly stated that the marriage is over for him.  What he has chosen to engage in has absolutely nothing to do with the OP... he has made it clear that she is no longer in the picture. He is just happy in his haram relationship that requires little responsibility or accountability or long term obligation.  He has what is important to him.  

It has played out.

 

Edited by Maryaam

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4 minutes ago, Laayla said:

Sister @Maryaam why are you saying her husband committed zina?

He took a second wife who is Ahl al Kitab without permission of his first wife.  He said the marriage was over but has not divorced his first wife so he would still need her permission.

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18 minutes ago, Laayla said:

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum Sister @Maryaam

Do you know who is his marja3 al taqleed?

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

No - I am assuming.  I am sure if needed he could find one who agrees with his behaviour... which seems to be the MO in situations like this.

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To the OP, the masturbation is a completely different issue. That is between you and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and it does not affect him directly (at least not much...). Seeking forgiveness and doing taubah is sufficient for this. 

My point was not to 'pick on you'. My point was to use this as a 'teachable moment' for other sisters out there who look at this issue of lying regarding previous relationships as not that serious of an issue. It is a very, very serious issue and there is a good chance it could destroy a marriage. 

BTW, I think there is a good chance this can be resolved. He might need a while to , like I said before, process this and reconcile it in his mind. I think you should seek out a knowledgeable and open minded alim and have him council you as a couple, if you are still interested in saving the marriage. 

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16 minutes ago, Maryaam said:

My apologies. 

I need to also apologize, I think I was a little too harsh with that previous statement. I have hidden it. Mods make mistakes too. :(

These types of subjects tend to fire people up ....

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So what some people are saying is that a man commiting Zina with Ahlul Kitab is no problem just because the OP said she was not a virgin and wanted to make their relationship better? And what’s worse is that this husband has a loser mother who encourages her son’s bad behavior. That the OP should wait on hand and foot for his fun to be over. 

Bad mothers raise bad sons.

So she lied—in the grand scheme of things—does it justify the husband committing zina? Not fulfilling her rights? I have the feeling that the OP was scared of admitting she wasn’t a virgin because she was afraid of being judged by him. And he’s in no place to judge when he is not only committing zina, but adultery, since his mutah relationship is NOT halal. So even if the husband divorces the OP, he can’t marry the Ahlul Kitab woman wether permanently or otherwise, since whoever commits adultery, that woman will be forever haram for him to marry. 

And why is no one addressing the fact that he insisted on a virgin, yet is committing adultery with a non-virgin Ahlul Kitab? Almost no self-respecting Ahlul Kitab will go after a married man, and most Ahlul Kitab aren’t virgins, anyway. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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Thank you all for the responses. I just wanted to clarify that he says it's not so much I wasn't a virgin, it was the deceit that he couldn't stand. He says even before we married, had I eventually told him the truth before the wedding, he probably would have continued with marriage because everything else was fine between us aside from that.

he claims it's the deceit that he couldn't stand and that I continued with the deceit when I wouldn't tell him about the masturbation, which I can understand, and that's the only thing that makes me feel like maybe this is Allah's punishment for my actions, and I'd rather face it here than in the hereafter.

I've prayed, begged, cried for forgiveness for all my actions, and although I love my husband, I also realize sometimes you just have to learn to let go. 

I also want to add that I told him about my past in 2014. At the time I begged him for forgiveness, and initially he said he wanted a divorce, but he didn't go through with it bcoz he said, he couldn't fault me in any other aspect during our entire time together. So we continued our marriage, and to be honest it was as if nothing had gone wrong between us. Then  a year later he reconnected with an ex-gf of his, and all of a sudden he changed towards me and started to bring up the past, but I just ignored him. They communicated for a few months and then it stopped and then he was back to normal with me. Then he met a second girl, and again the attitude change and complaining about the past. Eventually that also didn't work and we were back to normal again. So for 2 years things were good between us, in fact 2 weeks b4 he met this third lady, he told me that I was the best thing that happened to him and that things were really good between us, better than ever before. Then the week he met this lady he's doing mut'a with, his attitude completely changed and I knew it was only bcoz he met some woman. Lo and behold, a day after she agreed to do mut'a with him, he told me he wanted some space from me.

So u see its been 5 years since I've told him the truth, and the only times we have had issues/arguments or him bringing up my past r when he starts to communicate with other women, then he starts to resent me, but otherwise if and when u see us, ud swear we r the happiest couple.

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OP: Run, don’t walk away from this marriage. Leave, and don’t even think about him anymore. He’s a nobody, not worthy of your time, energy, effort, love. You deserve to find fierce love with someone who respects and values you. And this man does not even give you its crumbs. 

You’ll find a really great MAN, not MANCHILD thinking with his other brain, who values you.

The longer you stay in this loveless marriage, the more your husband thinks his behavior is okay. You are not someone’s backup plan, for a little fun—no. You deserve someone INVESTED in you, and only has eyes, and a heart, for you. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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11 hours ago, eThErEaL said:

I think everyone is facing their karma.  :)

It is recorded in reliable sources that in the time of Dawud there was a woman who was being approached by a man who used to force her for adultery. One day Allah put an idea in that woman’s mind and so she told that evil man, “Is there any wonder if, at the time when you are coming to me, some other man may be going to your wife?” Hearing this that man at once returned to his home. He saw that in fact someone else was with his wife. He caught that man and took him to Dawud and complained, “O Prophet of Allah! A calamity has befallen me and perhaps no one else has been struck with such a calamity.” Dawud asked what was it and he said, “I have found this man sleeping with my wife.” Allah revealed to Dawud: “Tell him he is getting the recompense of what he himself is doing.”

you are also right they are both facing karma in some way. 

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I would personally advise everyone to please be careful with what you recommend. We only heard one side of the story so its hard to get the whole picture. But as I understand these two have been married for 8 years now, so its not a short amount of time and its easy to sit behind the screen and tell them to divorce.

I would suggest to the OP to talk with your husband and to communicate more about the situation and then suggest that you guys visit a Muslim marriage counselor.

I hope your situation improves and that things get better!

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Bismehe Ta3ala 

Assalam Alikum 

Insh'Allah the OP follows what brother @IbnSina suggested. He is a long term member with great standing on ShiaChat.  

I trust his recommendation and find a Muslimah counselor preferably.

The sister needs to make a promise with her husband that she will be honest here on out.  As for her past sins, there are many recommended acts she can perform.  She may have asked for forgiveness in the past, but this is more for people who are reading and would like to start a new beginning with the relationship with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

﴿إِنَّ اللَّهَ يُحِبُّ التَّوَّابِينَ وَيُحِبُّ الْمُتَطَهِّرِينَ.﴾

Verily God loves the repentant, (2:222)

Ghusul al tawba

http://www.duas.org/na_istegh.htm

Dua al tawba for Imam Zein al 3bidden as, our fourth Imam.

To understand the meaning of repentance

https://www.al-Islam.org/forty-hadith-an-exposition-second-edition-Imam-Khomeini/seventeenth-hadith-repentance-tawbah

M3 Salamah, Fe Amin Allah 

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I continued masterbation after marriage because it was an addiction. It's not that he didn't satisfy me but after some time, masturbation is no longer about the sexual desire, it just becomes a habit almost. You always hate urself after it.

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@smiiley001 your husband sounds amazing! Just the kind of guy any woman would want to spend the rest of her life with! (Please note the sarcasm)

While @IbnSina is right in that we've only heard one side of the story and so cannot make definitive assumptions, if I were in your position and my husband of 8 YEARS treated me in such a disgusting manner I wouldn't have even waited to see that woman's clothes in my house to divorce him. That's just disgusting and disrespectful on a whole other level. Yes, you have done alot of wrong by lying etc. No doubt in that. But that is no excuse for him to use you in such a way. Secondly, ask yourself this one question: what is he adding to your life? Is he making you happier? Is he bringing you closer to Allah? Sounds like all hes doing is hurting and disrespecting you, and not really bringing you closer to Allah if he acts like an immature 17 year old with all the cheesy gibberish rhetoric of "I only want positive people in my life". If he can do that, you do the same. This advice applies to anyone in your life. If they don’t value and respect you, and make you a happier and better person Islamically and on a spiritual level, let them go. 

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Everyone commits sin. You've repented and that's what's important. You can’t take back what you've done (which was very very wrong, no excuses) but you've repented and you've sought forgiveness from Allah. If He, the almighty, can forgive all sins, why can’t an immature fallible man? 

All the best.

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@smiiley001

I cannot imagine how much grief the situation may have caused you, I just came across this thread today, none of us is an infallible and Allah is the closest to us and most forgiving so I'm sure he understands much better than any of us. Though you did make a mistake but I feel your (ex)husbands response was completely unfair and perhaps if he were a different person then things could've been resolved. Be glad it's over inshallah you'll find someone much better, while reading the thread I was hoping that children/kids aren't mentioned anywhere and feel glad they weren't thus as they suffer the most when a divorce takes place. My prayers and best wishes are with you. 

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What a crazy, awful man. Causing you humiliation like that. May Allah humiliate him in the hereafter. 

Any other man would have gotten over it and realized that most people, unless entirely secluded in an island away from civilization, have some sort of past or getting to know potential partners. But unfortunately, he is not that man. So that’s good he showed his true colors to your family. Alhamdulilah you two have no children and you’ll be able to move on with your life easier. 

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Salam,

Marriage should be based on trust and honesty, and ultimately love.  If one side felt cheated, it is difficult to predict the outcomes.  Because of love, he/ she can forgive and forget concerning the past and restart fresh.  If there is no more love or the love deteriorated to below acceptable threhold, the relationship is strained.  Every action becomes forced acts or not longer sincere.  It is a pain on the neck to be in a relationship that is not based on sincerity.

8 years of marriage is full of memories, good and bad ones.  If a person can have switch button in the brain that can switch off those past memories, then it is easy.  Islam offers ways out.  Forgives, repentant and restart.  If not divorce and restart new with new partner. 

For certain men/women, sex in marriage must come with love and full trust.  Without it, the sex is just physical act and almost just to satisfy desire and not to strengthening trust or relationship.   The marriage is likely strong.  

No one is perfect.   Ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to remove the attributes that will make us "zalim" to others.

Forgiveness , repentant and restart is good for unstable marriage.

If divorce is the choice...for both parties, ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to forgive and guide yourself and the other party.  Remove the hate and don't ask for destruction for the other party.

Ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to give us strength to be in His Path.

Seeking Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) helps and trust in Him (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will solve our weaknesses to face "trials of this world".

 

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