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smiiley001

Marriage: to stay or leave

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Smiley, it’s not because of your not revealing everything. That was his excuse to leave. He was seeking an opportunity, any excuse, to walk out on you. 

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Yes, you may be right. But why give someone an excuse, and most importantly, he did very explicitly tell me he didnt want to marry a non-virgin. One can say hes right or wrong but the truth is that what he wanted, he made it clear and I lied, so I put myself at his mercy, something you should never do. We should always only be at the mercy of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). 

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2 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

There are only a very few sins in which Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) promises to punish those who commit them in this life, and we wont have to wait too long to see the punishment. One of those sins is to broadcast publically the secrets of the mumineen and muminat, the disclosing of which would cause them harm. 

I would advise you not to reciprocate. don’t bring yourself down to that level. 

salam. What about writing about your wife or husband in shiachat without their knowledge. Isn't that pretty much the same thing as making ones sins public.

Obviously we could argue that it can be done privately without giving out names. But I am not sure that it's being done privately. Correct me if I am wrong.

Can't the moderators of this site track down our ip, our web searches, our computer information etc...

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8 minutes ago, AkhiraisReal said:

salam. What about writing about your wife or husband in shiachat without their knowledge. Isn't that pretty much the same thing as making ones sins public.

Obviously we could argue that it can be done privately without giving out names. But I am not sure that it's being done privately. Correct me if I am wrong.

Can't the moderators of this site track down our ip, our web searches, our computer information etc...

That is different. Although it is not good, noone on ShiaChat knows this person in real life. They are anonymous, meaning their spouse is also anonymous. If people put things that can identify them, in an obvious way like their address or their name or other specifics, and a mod sees it, we remove it from the post and sometimes hide the threads. People here who complain about the Mod team actually have no idea how much work we do behind the scenes to make sure things like porn, scams, personally identifiable information, disrespectful comments about Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) or Imams((عليه السلام)), etc, is removed from the site, usually before anyone sees it. 

Sometimes people need to vent, and sometimes the venting becomes unproductive for them. But in any case, it is not the same thing as sending a letter to someones relatives (their mother, father sisters, brothers) I.e. the most important people in their lives and identifying who it is. That is just shameful and cowardly. Hopefully noone on ShiaChat would do that. 

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43 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

 

Sometimes people need to vent, and sometimes the venting becomes unproductive for them. But in any case, it is not the same thing as sending a letter to someones relatives (their mother, father sisters, brothers) I.e. the most important people in their lives and identifying who it is. That is just shameful and cowardly. Hopefully noone on ShiaChat would do that. 

Yes that is very sad. But again we never know what we would have done if we where in same situation. I haven't read everything, but there is always 2 sides of the story.

Anyways, during events like this when many emotions are involved. We should do what Allah wants us to do, that's the only way to make a good decision. It sounds easier than done.

But I pray Allah gives us all that strength, guidance and patience.

Edited by AkhiraisReal

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12 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

That is different. Although it is not good, noone on ShiaChat knows this person in real life. They are anonymous, meaning their spouse is also anonymous. If people put things that can identify them, in an obvious way like their address or their name or other specifics, and a mod sees it, we remove it from the post and sometimes hide the threads. People here who complain about the Mod team actually have no idea how much work we do behind the scenes to make sure things like porn, scams, personally identifiable information, disrespectful comments about Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) or Imams((عليه السلام)), etc, is removed from the site, usually before anyone sees it. 

Sometimes people need to vent, and sometimes the venting becomes unproductive for them. But in any case, it is not the same thing as sending a letter to someones relatives (their mother, father sisters, brothers) I.e. the most important people in their lives and identifying who it is. That is just shameful and cowardly. Hopefully noone on ShiaChat would do that. 

My father was very upset with him about sending the letter, and he said maybe its his way of killing any form of reconciliation in the future between us. 

Anyway with regards to the Mut'a, my ex says he doesn't have or need a Marja. That he just uses logic when it comes to certain decisions. So for him, since Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) allows that he marries an Ahlul Kitab without my consent in a permanent marriage then he can do the same in a temporary marriage, because the only difference between the two is inheritance. 

So even Eid, he says when different Marjas have different days, he just goes with the one that is most convenient for him, so if one says its a sunday while the other says monday and if hes going on monday, he'l just go for eid sunday. In addition if its Eid-al-Adha, all he cares about is that its done after Arafat.

Also, Brother Abu Hadi and all the brothers viewing this. If you were in a situation like this, where I told you the truth in 2014 about my past after 3 years of marriage, would it take you 4 years to decide you no longer want to continue, and why would that decision only come after u've met someone. That is the part I don’t understand. We even bought a house together in that time which he is now telling me that Muslim women are not entitled to ownership of property. But he didnt tell me that when I forked half of the downpayment. 

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45 minutes ago, smiiley001 said:

he is now telling me that Muslim women are not entitled to ownership of property. But he didnt tell me that when I forked half of the downpayment. 

You are entitled to all of your own money, so if he claims that he owns the house, you can and should claim back all that you have paid into it.

But I'm not sure you're not entitled to part of the martial property. You should talk with a Shia lawyer if possible.

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11 minutes ago, notme said:

You shouldn't talk with a Shia lawyer if possible

 

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34 minutes ago, starlight said:

 

Maybe. Because patriarchy over justice?

Certainly a secular lawyer in any western county would tell her she's entitled to part of the property. I don't know the rulings.

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46 minutes ago, notme said:

Because patriarchy over justice?

Yes, sadly I find religious(Shia) people worst of all when it comes to resolving social and marriage issues.

@smiiley001 Please claim your fair share of the property, regardless of whether you think you need it or not. Just ask him for it. 

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Just re-read this thread.  In spite of the many authors of posts on this thread trying to protect this guy and make hm out to be Mr.. Halal-Pious-Plus by both male and, sadly, some female posters, he, as I said months earlier, has a very poor character/ethics/morals. He still has very poor character/ethics/morals.   Character is bone deep and unless you have some means of renovating his skeletal structure, he will remain a malice-oriented, nothing burger. His family accepts him treating you badly and wants you to accept mistreatment too - which is probably why he is a nothing burger.. He will continue to mistreat you if you permit him to do it so the ball is in your court.  

I would let him keep the money and all things that are so important to him. He is swallowing up way too many years of your life.  Move on. Money is replaceable - years of your life are not. The very most I would do is hire a lawyer on a recovery contingency basis to attempt to retrieve your portion of the downpayment.  Tell the lawyer that you don't want to hear about it until it is resolved.  And actively strive to never think about your former spouse, or his cruel actions, again.  I have known people who allow ex-spouses to drain them to the brink of ill health and can’t seem to re-emerge into the light of day - it affects mental attitude towards themselves and others and can impact physical health.   Best thing is to... Just... Move... On...  with positive thoughts and goals.  "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."  Make it a defined moment.  Embrace it.

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4 hours ago, smiiley001 said:

My father was very upset with him about sending the letter, and he said maybe its his way of killing any form of reconciliation in the future between us. 

Anyway with regards to the Mut'a, my ex says he doesn't have or need a Marja. That he just uses logic when it comes to certain decisions. So for him, since Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) allows that he marries an Ahlul Kitab without my consent in a permanent marriage then he can do the same in a temporary marriage, because the only difference between the two is inheritance. 

So even Eid, he says when different Marjas have different days, he just goes with the one that is most convenient for him, so if one says its a sunday while the other says monday and if hes going on monday, he'l just go for eid sunday. In addition if its Eid-al-Adha, all he cares about is that its done after Arafat.

Also, Brother Abu Hadi and all the brothers viewing this. If you were in a situation like this, where I told you the truth in 2014 about my past after 3 years of marriage, would it take you 4 years to decide you no longer want to continue, and why would that decision only come after u've met someone. That is the part I don’t understand. We even bought a house together in that time which he is now telling me that Muslim women are not entitled to ownership of property. But he didnt tell me that when I forked half of the downpayment. 

If u live in the US in a community property state you are entitled to half the assets that were acquired by you as a couple in the years you were married. Get the best divorce lawyer you can afford. 

The part about him taking his time to make up his mind is another issue. If u fail to disclose some very critical information which would affect how your apouse will view the marrriage, then the consequnces of failing to disclose this are 100% on you. That is not to say that he has the right to abuse you, but you have to understand that to a man who has invested his entire life in the marriage, this is a big deal and a blow to his honor that will damage him spiritually and psychologically probably for the rest of his life. If I was in this same situation, it would be very difficult to regain my trust. It would probably take years of good behaviour with no lying or deception. I would eventually get overcit though, probably. In Islam each person is responsible forcthe consequnces of their actions. So if you lie to someone then they lie to you, those are two seperate actions with two seperate chains of cause and effect. 

But at the same time whatever you failed to disclose before marriage about the past, that is between husband and wife and to disclose it to other people is wrong no matter what. If I was in that situation and I couldnt get over it I might ask for a divorce but I would take those secrets regarding my wife to the grave with me. That is called honor

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I appreciate everyone's input. I also understand that everyone will have differing views, but that was the whole purpose of this post.

Right now I'm really struggling with myself, there are times when I wake up in the night and just feel like a hypocrite, treacherous person and that Allah is so angry at me for everything I've done. I cry many times during Salat and duas because I feel like Allah is punishing me for everything I've done.

When I'm at work, I'm just doing dhikr saying 'Astagfurullah' but sometimes I feel like I have gone down the wrong path and that because the lie was on another human being, even if Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) forgives me, my ex may never do so. So in a way u can say I almost feel doomed.

But I continue to with the duas, night prayers and fasting as much as I can and hopefully when I relocate to my home country things will be better since I don't have any family or friends out here. It's always been just my ex and his siblings.

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If anyone has any suggestions for additional duas or deeds I should do, please do recommend. 

I have always given out charity, in fact I don't spend most the money I earn on myself, I've always been like that, and will continue to do so Insha Allah. My parents taught us that ever since we were kids and I've seen the benefits of such good deeds. But any other suggestions r welcome.

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On 3/10/2019 at 11:52 PM, smiiley001 said:

Salam Everyone,

I will try and keep this as short as possible.

I have been married 8years now to a person I deeply love. But, by the time I met him, I had been sexually active (not mut'a). We met, and we both felt our personalities were perfect for eachother. He told me about his sexual past, which he had, but I lied to him about mine and told him I was a virgin, I did this because he insisted that he only wanted to marry a virgin. To this day I regret that, because I now realize how so much hurt could have been avoided. Anyway half way into the marriage, I confessed everything, he was of course devastated. In addition, throughout the marriage, he found out on his own that I masturbated, even during times when he was home. It was an addiction I developed even before we got married. Note that all this happened within the same period. He was very broken, because he really felt he was in a marriage filled with trust and so much positivity. after finding out about everything, he told me he needed me to be very open and honest moving forward especially with regards to the masturbation and he wanted to know everything about my past. I tried to tell him in the beginning but at times he would get really angry and say some hurtful things to me, so I just stopped. with regards to the masturbation, it has always been my goal to just stop it completely because I know its against the deen. so I worked on myself and over the past two years, ive done it maybe 5 times, unlike before. so far this year, I havent done it at all, and I pray to Allah that I continue this way. so when I saw that I had reduced the times I would masturbate, I stopped telling him, but he figured that I was still doing it and was just not telling him. so that just made things worse.

Eventually all this led him to a sort of depression, he had already come into the marriage with some negative baggage from his extended family and his father, so this just made things worse. He started seeking other girls that he could establish that kind of trust which we didnt have, and in turn that made me jealous and we fought over it alot. again, that just made him feel so much negativity. 

Finally last year, he told me he could no longer continue with the marraige, and around the same time he went into mut'a with a lady, shes non-Muslim and he says she makes him extremely happy. they have developed an understanding and trust and that he feels very much at peace with his life. he says right now he feels he prefers to live his life surrounded by only people that make him happy, anyone that will bring negativity, he doesnt want. 

so right now he spends 3-4days a week with me at home and the other days hes with her. but, the only reason hes with me is because his mother advised him to not divorce me. she has also told me to be patient, everyone goes through different hurdles in life and that one day we will look back and laugh at all this. 

when I talk to him, he seems very happy with this other lady, he takes her out to dinner, they do alot of stuff that we don’t do and havent done in such a long time. when hes going to go see her, he makes sure he showers, wears cologne, he shaves every few days. whereas when it was just us, he'd go the whole day without showering, I would have to beg him sometimes to shave. and when I told him that, he said, he is now filled with so much positive energy thats why. that when hes with her, hes at peace. but that for now he doesnt plan to spend the rest of his life with her because he has other goals in life he wants to achieve and he doesnt think shel fit in. for eg, he eventually wants to move back home, and he doesnt think shel fit in, whereas, il fit in back home but not so much here. 

right now, we sleep in separate bedrooms, we only have sex when he wants to, since he gets it from her. ive found condoms and some of her underwear in his room, which I asked him about and he said she stayed with him for a bit when I was away. 

im just so confused now because hes at a point where his source of happiness is not from me. I guess id like to know, especially from the men and maybe people that have been married long, is there really a way to rekindle this. is this really too far broken and I should just walk away? im trying to maintain peace and positivity between us at all times, but im not sure if he sees/appreciates anything I do anymore. 

Your problem is complicated but not impossible to be solved. I will tell you few things which might help you:

1. Frequently come here and post your queries and share your posts here and communicate with people.

2. Pray 5 times, if not then 4 times daily and read books by asking people here anything that inspired them. You should increase your spirituality and it will automatically bring back trust of your husband.

3. When your husband comes at home, always appear nice to him both in appearance and manners. 

I hope that Allah (عزّ وجلّ) would help you for the sake of Ahlebait (عليه السلام).

Edited by Flying_Eagle

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6 hours ago, smiiley001 said:

I appreciate everyone's input. I also understand that everyone will have differing views, but that was the whole purpose of this post.

Right now I'm really struggling with myself, there are times when I wake up in the night and just feel like a hypocrite, treacherous person and that Allah is so angry at me for everything I've done. I cry many times during Salat and duas because I feel like Allah is punishing me for everything I've done.

When I'm at work, I'm just doing dhikr saying 'Astagfurullah' but sometimes I feel like I have gone down the wrong path and that because the lie was on another human being, even if Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) forgives me, my ex may never do so. So in a way u can say I almost feel doomed.

But I continue to with the duas, night prayers and fasting as much as I can and hopefully when I relocate to my home country things will be better since I don't have any family or friends out here. It's always been just my ex and his siblings.

Everyone has done sins in the past they are not proud of. There is no reason to dwell on them. Just do what you have the ability to do to make up for them and move on. don’t beat yourself up over something it is possible that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) has already forgiven you for. 

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9 hours ago, smiiley001 said:

If anyone has any suggestions for additional duas or deeds I should do, please do recommend. 

Take time to really read and internalize this dua, it is very beautiful.

In all this pain, do not forget to forgive yourself and move on from the past. That is what it is now, the past, and it should no longer have the power to hurt you. Alhamdulillah that you have faced your worst fear coming true (being exposed) and Allah has brought you to it so He can bring you through it finally.

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Salam @smiiley001

If you has decided to return to Him  (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), then bless you.  Syaitain hate you and will disturb your souls with all kind of thoughts.  Syaitans are not capable of making taubah.  We humans can. Insist on seeking protection from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) (read Aauuzibillahi minas syaitani rajeem everytime before you read Bismillahi rahmani rahim).

Read simple duas:

1.  Once, there was an Arab asking for a simple duas, the Prophet told him to say to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) .."Anta Rabbi, anna abdikka".." You are my Lord, I am your slave".

2.  And read...Rabba aatina fiddunya Hassan..... everyone knows this dua.

Stop talking negative about your husband to the public, and say to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) in your heart ... "If I am with the truth, help him and correct him.  If he is with the truth, help me and correct me.  If we both are wrong, help us and correct us."  Remove any hate inside the heart.  Everybody makes mistakes. Hold firmly the belief that only Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to settle everything the way that HE wishes it to be and not according to anyone wishes.  Move on....

If you are still sad and depressed remember one saying (below) of Imam Hussain (عليه السلام) because no one is so oppressed while alone except Imam Hussain (عليه السلام)

truth.png

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You lied, but he was also not a virgin, and the suffering he inflicted on was much worse than anything that lie did to him, or claims that it did to him at least. I'm so thankful that you don't have to suffer by his hands anymore, and that no kids were involved. 

Judging by the fact that he did muta with several women since you were married, makes it clear to me that he wasn't truly interested in long term marriage with you even from the start, and still isn't interested in long term relationships any time soon, if not ever. He doesn't seem to like to stay with a girl for too long since it gets boring for him. I'm sure that him saying he felt hurt about the lie was the excuse he needed to start seeing other women once he got bored. And if he had been really hurt by you, he would have never lied to his current muta wife that you guys were already divorced. 

The whole condition of men being allowed to have more than one wife has always been that you treat them equally, so that's a sin on his part. And as Muslims we are told to not expose another Muslim's sins, so the fact that he wrote a 6 page essay exposing every little thing about you and sent it to your family, is a sin. You only told your father about him having another wife after years of tolerating it and suffering, in order to mediate between you two, and your dad was BEYOND generous with of him of the fact that he could have more than one wife, when some dads/family members would just beat up the guy and demand him to give you divorce lol. Your ex's karma is going to be so ugly and messy. 

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Try not to escalate and put personal judgement on the issue.  Information is one-sided.  There are lots personal issues and secrets that we don't know between both of them.

Edited by layman

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2 hours ago, layman said:

Try not to escalate and put personal judgement on the issue.  Information is one-sided.  There are lots personal issues and secrets that we don't know between both of them.

I'm always more inclined to give someone claiming to be a victim the benefit of the doubt because many times victims aren't believed or taken seriously, and become further isolated. People also say that my mom's story is one sided, or maybe my mom had some faults, when my poor mother sacrficied everything she had to give for my dad, and was abused by him her whole marriage, for decades, all in front of my eyes. Even now that he's not around she still hasn't mentally recovered from the trauma. When they say things like that to her it's like they're jamming salt deep into her wounds. She cries because of those type of "nonjudgemental" judgemental comments. 

Edited by Lilly14

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1 hour ago, Lilly14 said:

I'm always more inclined to give someone claiming to be a victim the benefit of the doubt because many times victims aren't believed or taken seriously, and become further isolated. People also say that my mom's story is one sided, or maybe my mom had some faults, when my poor mother sacrficied everything she had to give for my dad, and was abused by him her whole marriage, for decades, all in front of my eyes. Even now that he's not around she still hasn't mentally recovered from the trauma. When they say things like that to her it's like they're jamming salt deep into her wounds. She cries because of those type of "nonjudgemental" judgemental comments. 

Again, may I remind you to not be judgemental on other people cases even though you may have personal experiences that are very painful.  

We pray that your mom be granted patience and better life in the hereafter.  This world is full of people with terrible and unpredictable behaviors.  Difficult to imagine but it is real.  Luckily we have Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to depend upon.  HE is the Source of Peace and the Real reliever of pain in the heart, souls and mind.  We are from Him and unto Him is our return.

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