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Guest Umm Amira
On ‎2‎/‎19‎/‎2019 at 10:58 PM, Justme123 said:

Salams brothers and sisters 

I have been engaged for the past 5 months. The first 2 months went perfectly smooth, everything was perfect and I found that my fiancé is someone I would tick all the boxes for a future husband. Although, after 2 months I felt as though he was showing me less attention and affection, I noticed the change in his voice (excitement wise) and noticed that he would spend less time talking to me throughout the day, his happiness was different,  and then I felt lonely in the relationship. I would tell him how I would feel and wait for changes from him. He would argu back and say that he isn’t doing anything wrong, but would agree to change his behaviour towards me. He would change for a day or 2, then go back to sounding as though speaking to me is a chore.  Im a very sensitive person, and very observant, so I picked up on his change of behaviour and felt very hurt by it. We then went through arguments nearly every 2nd day. I feel like his annoyed with me, not excited anymore, and is becoming stricter on me when it comes to outings, I feel like whenever I mention topics to me he goes against me and always has something to say back. He gets annoyed when I mention his change of behaviour. Although when I change my behaviour and show less attention to him, he starts saying things like “you’re not excited to see me anymore” “you don’t want to talk to me” etc. honestly it’s so weird and I’m getting emotionally drained. It’s like his the one who needs the attention and I don’t. I personally believe that time, affection and attention is really important in a relationship/marriage, and emotional support, especially when your significant other is understanding and caring from their hearts. And I feel like his doesn’t have any of that towards me anymore. The things we fight over is so silly but it’s making both of us pull away. We have spoken to eachother about fixing it so many times but has never worked out and is getting worse. I feel like sometimes I really want to leave him, because I believe that I put too much into this relationship and not feeling like I’m getting the same effort back, but deep down for some reason something is stopping me. And he also feels the same way as we discussed this together, because we’re worried that our marriage life is going to be based around fighting constantly because of our different mindsets and emotions or are we going to end up understanding and accepting our differences? Has anyone ever gone through this? What should I do? 

Thank you! Wsalam 

Salaam sister, 

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, may Allah grant you barakah in your marriage and make it easier for both of you. There are a few things I would like to recommend. 

Try and read a few verses of pages of Qur'an together everyday with/without the tafsir and reflect. This way you and your spouse can spend some time together while getting closer to Allah and increasing the blessings in your marriage.

Also,there is something called the 5 love languages. Everyone speaks a different language and some couples speak the same language and some don't. The five love languages are: quality time, physical touch, gift giving, acts of service and words of affirmation. For example let's say your love language is words of affirmation and your partners love language is quality time. Then even if you say sweet things to him here and there throughout the day, if he doesn't feel like your spending enough time with him he will not feel loved. Similarly lets say he spends a lot of time with you, but he doesn't say anything sweet to you, you may not feel loved. That's why it's important to identify what your partners love language is and show them love based on that. A lot of times in relationships we love the way we want to be loved but not everyone wants to be loved the same way. If you're not sure what his language is, you can show him the options and ask and I am sure he will be happy that you are taking the time to understand him better and meet his needs better. :)

Make dua, and try to pray together when you are both home instead of praying separately. In shaa Allah things will get better soon :)Trust in Allah's plan. He is the best of planners. 

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Guest Umm Amira

Sorry sister, I just read that you're engaged, not married. My fault. Since you are engaged I would recommend not getting married to this person and moving on. But my above response applies to anyone who is already married. ^ 

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Thank you brothers and sisters! I feel like I’m getting the perfect amount of support from everyone! I appreciate it so much! 

The past few days we have been good Humdlilah, I strained my neck and he came past after finishing work late to drop me medication off. His being nice to me so far, but today mentioned how his doing what I like, but I’m not doing what he likes... which he didn’t explain properly, he just said when I go out I be stubborn about the time to come back home, and when I say to him “why don’t you accept that I’m like this”. I told him I see our relationship getting better these past few days, and he agreed (weird) and said yeah! We should do something and not waste eachothers time (like get married ASAP). But knowing me, time is always the key, because worried if his going to change straight away. 

when I say his good, I mean it in a way, like his personality is good, his religious and has taught me new things(but gets upset when I don’t do it which that upsets me because his not understanding much towards me), his nice around others, he has respect for my family, if I ask for anything, sometimes/most times he’ll get it. 

I’m also sticking around because the Qur'an khiri turned out really well. And one day I opened the Qur'an randomly and his name came up. This was before we met and a little after our Fatiha (when everything was good)

I feel mixed emotions constantly.. and feel like it’s extremely hard to leave because I feel like I’m going against Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). 

I feel like it’s hard to talk to anyone, that’s why I’m taking a lot here.. because when I talk to someone they agree with him more but again I don’t elaborate on things because worried if they go against him 100%, and won’t accept him. So on shiachat I’m being 100% honest, but to others I’m defending him too much. And also worried if everyone is going to think it’s not a good enough reason to leave someone... 

Should I elaborate more to my sister? Why am I so afraid of losing him even though I’m not happy most times

I feel like I sound confusing, but I sound like this (kind of defending him) when things are going well. 

If your sister was going through this... what advice would you give her in this situation that I’m currently at... 

I’m so sorry that I keep going... but honestly this is where I feel most comfortable.. I feel like all of you are beautiful people who care about their Muslim brothers and sisters, and give advice from their hearts. 

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On 2/22/2019 at 3:30 AM, Akbar673 said:

Oh my. Its clear that you are putting in more effort to make this relationship succeed than he is. Keep an eye on this for the forseeable future to see if this changes for the better, if it doesn't then you might want to consider ending the engagement.

He's being hypocritical about this. He is asking you to do that which he is unwilling to do himself. That's not a good sign at all, that's a reflection of how he is as a person. People with that mindset are domineering about getting what they wish without doing anything from their end of it. This will reflected in all of their approaches to things in life. Not a team mentality by any definition.

He's insecure as well as domineering. When you pull away he gets scared and comes running back. This is an even more dangerous quality than being domineering because insecurity drives men to become even more autoritarian and dictatorial due to them being afraid of being compared to men who are more successful, better looking or accomplished. Eventually, his insecurity will ask you to drop out of school and be nothing other than a housewife that stays indoors cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids. He will also complain that you aren't doing a good enough job on anything because subconsciously it will make feel like he is better than what he actually is because he's pointing out your flaws.

Agreed.

based on what I have read in your latest posts, I'm not entirely sure I agree with you on this. 

Criticism, whether its hidden under an attempt to be humorous or not, is a sign of her viewing what she sees as a flaw or weakness in you. Why on Earth someone would want to take shots at the future spouse of their son is beyond me. If my son was getting married, I would make every effort to make the girl feel as happy and welcomed as possible into our family. No one is perfect, least of all me, that I can pass judgment on someone else's flaws. Least of all a young girl that is leaving her home to marry my son and become a part of my family.

Again, please see above. This is not a healthy way to start a relationship with anyone leave alone a Daughter In Law. Not a good sign by any stretch because if she's saying this to you already when you are only engaged, you can expect her to say it in a more direct tone after the wedding. She doesn't have the appropriate level of respect for you.

This is a very troubling series of events that you are presenting now. None of it is good in my opinion.

and there it is...After reading this from you, I feel comfortable in telling you to end this engagement. As a Father of a daughter my biggest fear is that she will marry a man that will make her unhappy. That fear keeps me up at night because I've seen first hand how cruel and hurtful the wrong type of man can be and the sadness and despair it brings onto a woman. If you were my daughter I would end this engagement with no regrets. 

This is not the man, nor the family, which will bring you the happiness that you deserve. Time to end this and go find the man, and family, that will love and accept you for who you are. Think of this as a learning experience to help you on your way.

This has left me emtional honestly, especially after the last 4 paragraphs you have wrote, thank you so much brother, what you said is absolutely beautiful

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Dear Sister! If you watch this video, you will understand the psychology of bully. Bullies are superficial, they hate people for ridiculous reasons and then they play the victim. In this video, that poor girl Zoe probably thinks this girl is her friend, while she probably still hates her. In today's world, bullies are becoming successful and this behavior is becoming acceptable. 

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