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Salams brothers and sisters 

I have been engaged for the past 5 months. The first 2 months went perfectly smooth, everything was perfect and I found that my fiancé is someone I would tick all the boxes for a future husband. Although, after 2 months I felt as though he was showing me less attention and affection, I noticed the change in his voice (excitement wise) and noticed that he would spend less time talking to me throughout the day, his happiness was different,  and then I felt lonely in the relationship. I would tell him how I would feel and wait for changes from him. He would argu back and say that he isn’t doing anything wrong, but would agree to change his behaviour towards me. He would change for a day or 2, then go back to sounding as though speaking to me is a chore.  Im a very sensitive person, and very observant, so I picked up on his change of behaviour and felt very hurt by it. We then went through arguments nearly every 2nd day. I feel like his annoyed with me, not excited anymore, and is becoming stricter on me when it comes to outings, I feel like whenever I mention topics to me he goes against me and always has something to say back. He gets annoyed when I mention his change of behaviour. Although when I change my behaviour and show less attention to him, he starts saying things like “you’re not excited to see me anymore” “you don’t want to talk to me” etc. honestly it’s so weird and I’m getting emotionally drained. It’s like his the one who needs the attention and I don’t. I personally believe that time, affection and attention is really important in a relationship/marriage, and emotional support, especially when your significant other is understanding and caring from their hearts. And I feel like his doesn’t have any of that towards me anymore. The things we fight over is so silly but it’s making both of us pull away. We have spoken to eachother about fixing it so many times but has never worked out and is getting worse. I feel like sometimes I really want to leave him, because I believe that I put too much into this relationship and not feeling like I’m getting the same effort back, but deep down for some reason something is stopping me. And he also feels the same way as we discussed this together, because we’re worried that our marriage life is going to be based around fighting constantly because of our different mindsets and emotions or are we going to end up understanding and accepting our differences? Has anyone ever gone through this? What should I do? 

Thank you! Wsalam 

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I wish someone had given me advise before when I needed it but I will say this:

Who the person really is , shows in a few months. In this case you are seeing the true colors. If you are already fed up, the person will not magically change after marriage. Should you choose to proceed further, you are accepting him in this form.

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8 hours ago, Justme123 said:

I have been engaged for the past 5 months. The first 2 months went perfectly smooth, everything was perfect and I found that my fiancé is someone I would tick all the boxes for a future husband.

MashAllah...congratulations !!!

8 hours ago, Justme123 said:

Although, after 2 months I felt as though he was showing me less attention and affection, I noticed the change in his voice (excitement wise) and noticed that he would spend less time talking to me throughout the day, his happiness was different,  and then I felt lonely in the relationship.

You have to understand that many people don't necessarily emote very well. What you are saying is an exact copy of what my wife would say to me early on in our relationship (not just after we were married, but also during our engagement). It wasn't that I didn't feel love for her nor that I had become disinterested. It was just that I'm not one of those lovey dovey types. I'm more of the opposite, I don't emote very well all of the time, but since my wife mentioned that to me I actively make an effort to show my love and affection not only towards her but also towards my kids. Its not something that comes naturally to me but being in a relationship equals evolving as a person as well as being respectful of the nature and personality of whomever you are with. Most of the time people think I'm in a bad mood because I always look so serious and look like I'm always sulking but its only the look on my face when I've got something on my mind.

8 hours ago, Justme123 said:

I would tell him how I would feel and wait for changes from him. He would argu back and say that he isn’t doing anything wrong, but would agree to change his behaviour towards me.

Exactly the same thing that I mentioned above. He's making an effort to change his nature and personality for you. Its not an easy thing because it goes against his normal behavior as a person but clearly he is making an effort due to him realizing that he is in a relationship now.

8 hours ago, Justme123 said:

He would change for a day or 2, then go back to sounding as though speaking to me is a chore.

Again, this is not that he doesn't love or care for you. Its just his nature as a person based on the events in his life which shaped his nature and personality.

8 hours ago, Justme123 said:

Im a very sensitive person, and very observant, so I picked up on his change of behaviour and felt very hurt by it.

That is a very natural response since you mentioned you are a sensitve person. However, please keep in mind that the world is full of different personality types. Just because he is not being overly emotive does not mean he doesn't feel love for you. Many people have taken the route of placing their emotions behind logic due to experiences in their lives which taught them to rely more on logic than emotion. Its a defense mechanism to protect themselves from being hurt.

8 hours ago, Justme123 said:

We then went through arguments nearly every 2nd day. I feel like his annoyed with me, not excited anymore, and is becoming stricter on me when it comes to outings, I feel like whenever I mention topics to me he goes against me and always has something to say back.

Please understand the nature of the person you are engaged to. Arguing won't solve anything. Please just set some time to sit down and speak as adults and share all of your opinions, feelings and thoughts on the way the relationship is going so far. Mention anything and everything that you are thinking so not only will he understand and respect where you are coming from but it will also afford him the change to do two things. Firstly, it will give him a better understanding of how you are as a person regarding sensitivity and emotions. Secondly, it will allow him to realize that while he needs a better understanding of you as a person he also needs to perhaps adjust his mannerisms with respect to how you are. Any relationship is a two way street that involves both communicating with  and respecting the other person's opinions and feelings.

8 hours ago, Justme123 said:

He gets annoyed when I mention his change of behaviour. Although when I change my behaviour and show less attention to him, he starts saying things like “you’re not excited to see me anymore” “you don’t want to talk to me” etc.

Again, you need to communicate your feelings and why you are doing the things that you are doing. People that don't emote naturally tend to get annoyed when its brought up over and over again. I know I do. You're in the early stages of a relationship and this is the period where you both learn anything and everything about each other. Its not an easy process, but it has to be a respectful process involving maturity and open mindedness because you are learning the true nature of the other person. No one is perfect, we all have our flaws but we need to respect that the other person isn't perfect either and prone to making mistakes that can be corrected or accepted as a natural flaw.

8 hours ago, Justme123 said:

It’s like his the one who needs the attention and I don’t. I personally believe that time, affection and attention is really important in a relationship/marriage, and emotional support, especially when your significant other is understanding and caring from their hearts. And I feel like his doesn’t have any of that towards me anymore.

Again, please see above. He does have feelings towards you otherwise he wouldve ended the relationship. 

8 hours ago, Justme123 said:

The things we fight over is so silly but it’s making both of us pull away. We have spoken to eachother about fixing it so many times but has never worked out and is getting worse.

As I mentioned above. Please sit down with him and have a mature conversation in which you share all of your feelings about everything with him. Then offer him the opportunity to speak uninterrupted about his feelings about everything. After you have both spoken your peace then sit and discuss each item that was brought up by both of you. Mention your opinion on it and allow him to speak on his opinion. Then both of you should say that you want to find the common ground on the topics you are not in agreement on while respecting the other person's views on it. You won't find common ground on everything and there will be things that you will not want to budge on while there are things he will not want to budge on. That's completely normal. You both just have to be respectful of the other's opinions and move ahead.

8 hours ago, Justme123 said:

I feel like sometimes I really want to leave him, because I believe that I put too much into this relationship and not feeling like I’m getting the same effort back, but deep down for some reason something is stopping me.

Talk to him first and then make that type of decision. You simply don't have the proper information to make that type of decision at this time.

8 hours ago, Justme123 said:

Has anyone ever gone through this?

Everyday of my married life. A relationship is a two way street. Its not a romance novel or a Bollywood movie. The real world is quite different but its not anything that can't be overcome. Mutual respect and understanding is the key factor in any successful relationship. The realization and acceptance of that is the day the relationship actually begins, not the day the engagement ring is slipping on a finger.

9 hours ago, Justme123 said:

What should I do?

See above.

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I am also sensitive person and I was married to a person exactly like your fiancee. You are lucky that you are able to see his real face before marriage. It's better to get out now because once you are married, it's very hard to get a divorce. Many people, especially men want to develop leadership qualities, and for that they read about political figures. Politicians are not moral and ethical people, so anyone who makes them role model is probably not going to be a moral and ethical person. Your fiancee is exhibiting fox like tendencies. A fox like person is the person who shows toxic behavior and as soon as you distant yourself from such a person, that person improves his/ her behavior to make you come back. But as soon as you become warm and cozy with them, they go back to their old habits. The fact that he is able to improve his behavior and he is able to observe the changes in your behavior, shows that he knows exactly what he is doing wrong and he knows how to improve his behavior. He just doesn't want to do it. Communication will not solve any problem. Mostly communication is suggested by people who are good at debating. And the ability to debate doesn't mean a person is right, it just means he has greater mental stamina. Some people can debate for hours, until the other person becomes emotionally and mentally exhausted, and he gives up. If your fiancee is dishonest, it means that he will just make false promises when you try to "communicate" with him, but he won't fulfill his promises. Is your fiancee the kind of person who likes change a lot? He changes the settings of the house often, he cannot stay at the same place for long, cannot eat the same food for long? If he is that kind of person, that means he will also get bored with his life partner easily. He got bored with you in just 2 months. 

Your fiancee also seems like a person who likes to chase women. My ex-husband was like that. In the beginning when I loved him, he hated me so much and when I started hating him, he could sense that and he suddenly became interested in me and he is not willing to leave me alone. I know it's only because I hate him. You will never be able to express your love or be vulnerable in front of your fiancee. You will always have to give this impression that you are not interested in him,if you have affairs, then he will feel competition and he will value you more. Do you really want to live your life catering to the needs of a sick and twisted person and how to keep alive his interest in you? Or do you want to focus on raising your kids and other "important" stuff? Trust me, there are many sensitive men who are compatible to you. You want to find a compatible man. Even before marriage, since you can see that you are not compatible with him, I think it will be a big mistake to get married to him. You are lucky you found out before marriage. It's better to end things with him. 

The fact that whenever you are discussing, he always goes against you is a major RED FLAG. It shows that he doesn't want you to have any opinion. I stopped talking to my ex-husband, because whenever I talked about any serious topic, he always mocked me and didn't even let me finish what I was saying. Your fiancee wants to make you feel stupid and take away your self esteem. If you will have low confidence, you will think that you deserve all his abuse and you will never be able to speak up. He sounds like a bully and you should get away from him as soon as possible. It's good that he is willing to end the engagement. Do it before he turns your whole family against you and makes you isolated. If he is not willing to put any effort, that means you cannot expect any help from him in house chores and he may not even contribute financially. He is entitled bully and he doesn't deserve you. 

Marriage is not a Bollywood movie but every relationship has a honeymoon period where things are perfect at least in the beginning. If your partner is not flirt type, then the honeymoon period can last for at least few years but if he is flirt, the honeymoon period lasts only for weeks or a few months. If he was like this from day one, we could say that he just has that personality. But the fact is he was nice during 1st. two months which means that change in his behavior is intentional, it's not his personality. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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Well @Justme123, looks like you have two opposing viewpoints going here. One of a person who has been in a marriage for almost 16 years with 2 kids (myself) and one of a person that is a divorced person who went through a bad marriage. 

Please consider both viewpoints, although I would dare say the other opinion shared is more along the lines of a worst case scenario. Not all marriages are that dire. 

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@Justme123 I don't see anything wrong with his behavior. In my opinion after the initial two months the honeymoon phase or the initial stage of falling in love had ended and things started going back towards normal which you perceived as disinterest. He might be thinking of you as clingy or too needy.

I think your and his expectations from a relationship are different, that's all,nothing wrong with either of you. If you don't think you are compatible just break off the engagement. 

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Haven't read the previous comments, so don't know what everyone else has said, but don't marry anyone unless they make you feel loved and respected and make you feel better about yourselves. You only get married for the first time once, do it with someone you're certain you love and loves you and respects you back. If he's treating you like a chore now, God knows how he'll treat you when he gets what he wants physically. No fiance should ever treat talking to his partner as a chore. This is supposed to he the honeymoon period when everything's rainbows and roses.

I think you should give him a chance to explain himself, why he's acting that way, maybe he has something on his mind that's upsetting him. Make it clear to him that you're there to listen to him and help him out etc. If he keeps treating you less than what you deserve, I don't see a reason why you should stay with him and commit yourself to the same treatment forever. If you're not happy, quit while you're ahead. No one else's happiness matters in this situation but yours. 

@Akbar673 Your advice is very good, but I don't think it applies to this situation. I don't think it's just about being lovey dovey, the OP has said she feels that he only talks to her because it's a chore. Maybe you're right, but I think there's a very blurred line between just being closed off by nature and being rude or uninterested in maintaining a healthy relationship. 

Edited by 2Timeless

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Another thing to consider is that he might be getting put off by her being so clingy and in need of reassurance of how he feels about her. Best way for her to find out is to see how his Mother is, if she's a stong, independant woman than he is definitely going to be put off by a girl who is as she said it herself a "very sensitive person" and based on her post its safe to say that she needs to be reassured of his feelings for her on a regular basis. However, if his Mother is the same type as her than its got to be something else (if anything at all...can't discount the fact that this is her opinion and as we all know opinions aren't always a reflection of what is actually going on).

Now, you can't discount the fact that he should have known all this and decided before he chose to propose to her. There is an equal burden of responsibility and guilt on him if this relationship does indeed end. He should've spent the necessary time to get to know her personality and nature before deciding to put a ring on her finger. Again, we don't know if this already happened on his end and now we are seeing his/her true nature, but then shouldn't she have gotten to know him before saying "Yes" as well ? Why is this all happening after the engagement was formalized?

Do remember that we are only hearing one side of the story. There's two sides to every coin and relationship. She needs to discuss with him what he is looking for and if they don't find any common ground at that point she needs to decide if she wants to continue in this relationship. I can promise you that he is already thinking on this for himself.

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Thank you all for your help and opinions! Really appreciate it so much! Maybe I should elaborate on his actions, and on my actions. An example would be, our work hours a different, and he also works on the weekends. I could sleep in on the weekends but I make sure that I wake up early to wake him up, and speak to him on the phone while his on his way to work, but let’s say days that I start early and he starts late, he would never do that for me, and has never offered. I feel like everything is based on his timing, on my break if he doesn’t have work and is out with friends he wouldn’t talk to me, but if it’s vice versa, I would pick up on his calls no matter where’s I am. Whenever he does come over and if I need anything he would get it for me, which I show so much appreciation to it. But before he used to just come with stuff that he thought I needed, now when he knows I need something he wouldn’t get it, or keep forgetting and when I remind him he still forgets, now I just don’t remind him anymore (I’ve lost my license, soon getting it back). He also used to come after work sometimes when he finishes late and we would hang out for a bit, but now he doesn’t do that anymore, only if he finishes before 9.  He used to come around and bring me food (I’m a full time student and worker so I can’t cook everyday) but now when I say I’m hungry he would say “go make food”. He also tells me that I should be getting close to my religion more, which hurts, because I feel like I used to be more closer to Ahlul Bayt and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), but because he pushes me everyday “do this sala, read this Qur'an aya, read this dua” and if I don’t because I’ll Be too tired and in bed already, he gets upset, but once or twice, I asked him if he done the sala, and he said “no, I’m really tired” and I didn’t say anything to him, because I’m understanding. 

Sometimes I feel like when I give him less attention he comes back and try’s more, when I go back to normal, he doesn’t try as much (which I never change, I’m the same from the beginning until the other person starts treating me like that, that’s when I change without)

 

they say to to keep a relationship happy and healthy you need to be the same as you were from the beginning, no relationship/marriage should feel like the other person is not bothered for them, or feel that the relationship is one-sided. These small stuff matter. His an amazing guy, but his comfortable side was not what I expected, because my comfortable side is not much different to my non-comfortable side. 

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His mother lives over seas but is here at the moments. His mother is very nice, and has a healthy relationship with her husband. BUT, I feel like she jokes with criticism with me. She always says how I don’t speak Arabic and how it’s good that the only word I know is “Humdlilah”. The thing is I’m too shy to speak Arabic because it’s very broken, but I understand it nearly fluently and she doesn’t believe it. She has put me down “unintentionally” about my weight also. 

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And his also admitted that he can be more with me, emotionally wise. Also when I speak to him about emotionally things that’s happened in my past, sometimes he just ends it with okay and says nothing. Once I was cutting onions and he called and I was pretending I was crying to see his reaction, he didn’t even care I told him “I’m crying” and his like “okay, did you get the answer for this...?” He was being selfish and thought about what he was thinking about, and didn’t care less that I was “crying”

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He has also said that he wanted to break it off, but he feels he should be STRONG and make it work. I know I sound like a negative person, but I’m only stating what has been happening and how I’m feeling. I  told him there’s going to be a day that I’m going to just break, and shut down. This worried him at the time, and whenever I act distant to him. 

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3 hours ago, Akbar673 said:

 

Now, you can't discount the fact that he should have known all this and decided before he chose to propose to her. There is an equal burden of responsibility and guilt on him if this relationship does indeed end. He should've spent the necessary time to get to know her personality and nature before deciding to put a ring on her finger. Again, we don't know if this already happened on his end and now we are seeing his/her true nature, but then shouldn't she have gotten to know him before saying "Yes" as well ? Why is this all happening after the engagement was formalized?

They are both humans and humans can make errors while judging others. We get betrayed by our family members, co workers and best friends, similarly we can get betrayed by our spouses. They are only engaged, not married. I believe that's the whole purpose of engagement: for 2 people to get to know each other and find out if they are compatible. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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If he has grown bored of you or you of him after a few months then it really is not a good sign.  It is not supposed to be this difficult for two compatible people to get along and want to be with each other.  Everyone one needs space in a relationship so perhaps that is a bit of an issue.  Lack of attention from men is the number one complaint women have about their husbands so to expect drastic improvements over the long haul isn't realistic.

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17 hours ago, Justme123 said:

Maybe I should elaborate on his actions, and on my actions. An example would be, our work hours a different, and he also works on the weekends. I could sleep in on the weekends but I make sure that I wake up early to wake him up, and speak to him on the phone while his on his way to work, but let’s say days that I start early and he starts late, he would never do that for me, and has never offered. I feel like everything is based on his timing, on my break if he doesn’t have work and is out with friends he wouldn’t talk to me, but if it’s vice versa, I would pick up on his calls no matter where’s I am. Whenever he does come over and if I need anything he would get it for me, which I show so much appreciation to it. But before he used to just come with stuff that he thought I needed, now when he knows I need something he wouldn’t get it, or keep forgetting and when I remind him he still forgets, now I just don’t remind him anymore (I’ve lost my license, soon getting it back). He also used to come after work sometimes when he finishes late and we would hang out for a bit, but now he doesn’t do that anymore, only if he finishes before 9.  He used to come around and bring me food (I’m a full time student and worker so I can’t cook everyday) but now when I say I’m hungry he would say “go make food”.

Oh my. Its clear that you are putting in more effort to make this relationship succeed than he is. Keep an eye on this for the forseeable future to see if this changes for the better, if it doesn't then you might want to consider ending the engagement.

17 hours ago, Justme123 said:

He also tells me that I should be getting close to my religion more, which hurts, because I feel like I used to be more closer to Ahlul Bayt and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), but because he pushes me everyday “do this sala, read this Qur'an aya, read this dua” and if I don’t because I’ll Be too tired and in bed already, he gets upset, but once or twice, I asked him if he done the sala, and he said “no, I’m really tired” and I didn’t say anything to him, because I’m understanding. 

He's being hypocritical about this. He is asking you to do that which he is unwilling to do himself. That's not a good sign at all, that's a reflection of how he is as a person. People with that mindset are domineering about getting what they wish without doing anything from their end of it. This will reflected in all of their approaches to things in life. Not a team mentality by any definition.

17 hours ago, Justme123 said:

Sometimes I feel like when I give him less attention he comes back and try’s more, when I go back to normal, he doesn’t try as much

He's insecure as well as domineering. When you pull away he gets scared and comes running back. This is an even more dangerous quality than being domineering because insecurity drives men to become even more autoritarian and dictatorial due to them being afraid of being compared to men who are more successful, better looking or accomplished. Eventually, his insecurity will ask you to drop out of school and be nothing other than a housewife that stays indoors cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids. He will also complain that you aren't doing a good enough job on anything because subconsciously it will make feel like he is better than what he actually is because he's pointing out your flaws.

17 hours ago, Justme123 said:

they say to to keep a relationship happy and healthy you need to be the same as you were from the beginning, no relationship/marriage should feel like the other person is not bothered for them, or feel that the relationship is one-sided.

Agreed.

17 hours ago, Justme123 said:

His an amazing guy

based on what I have read in your latest posts, I'm not entirely sure I agree with you on this. 

17 hours ago, Justme123 said:

I feel like she jokes with criticism with me. She always says how I don’t speak Arabic and how it’s good that the only word I know is “Humdlilah”.

Criticism, whether its hidden under an attempt to be humorous or not, is a sign of her viewing what she sees as a flaw or weakness in you. Why on Earth someone would want to take shots at the future spouse of their son is beyond me. If my son was getting married, I would make every effort to make the girl feel as happy and welcomed as possible into our family. No one is perfect, least of all me, that I can pass judgment on someone else's flaws. Least of all a young girl that is leaving her home to marry my son and become a part of my family.

17 hours ago, Justme123 said:

She always says how I don’t speak Arabic and how it’s good that the only word I know is “Humdlilah”. The thing is I’m too shy to speak Arabic because it’s very broken, but I understand it nearly fluently and she doesn’t believe it. She has put me down “unintentionally” about my weight also.

Again, please see above. This is not a healthy way to start a relationship with anyone leave alone a Daughter In Law. Not a good sign by any stretch because if she's saying this to you already when you are only engaged, you can expect her to say it in a more direct tone after the wedding. She doesn't have the appropriate level of respect for you.

17 hours ago, Justme123 said:

And his also admitted that he can be more with me, emotionally wise. Also when I speak to him about emotionally things that’s happened in my past, sometimes he just ends it with okay and says nothing. Once I was cutting onions and he called and I was pretending I was crying to see his reaction, he didn’t even care I told him “I’m crying” and his like “okay, did you get the answer for this...?” He was being selfish and thought about what he was thinking about, and didn’t care less that I was “crying”

This is a very troubling series of events that you are presenting now. None of it is good in my opinion.

16 hours ago, Justme123 said:

He has also said that he wanted to break it off

and there it is...After reading this from you, I feel comfortable in telling you to end this engagement. As a Father of a daughter my biggest fear is that she will marry a man that will make her unhappy. That fear keeps me up at night because I've seen first hand how cruel and hurtful the wrong type of man can be and the sadness and despair it brings onto a woman. If you were my daughter I would end this engagement with no regrets. 

This is not the man, nor the family, which will bring you the happiness that you deserve. Time to end this and go find the man, and family, that will love and accept you for who you are. Think of this as a learning experience to help you on your way.

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45 minutes ago, BowTie said:

I don’t know how people are able to spill their personal life issues on a forum and let people they have no clue about influence their life decisions

Its the best place to spill them because no one knows who anyone is. Its all incognito.

I can sit and spill everything and not have a care in the world for it, because at the end of the day I'm just a Screen name with an avatar to everyone else on here. Even people in the same city as me won't know who I am in the real world.

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On 2/20/2019 at 1:26 PM, starlight said:

@Justme123 I don't see anything wrong with his behavior. In my opinion after the initial two months the honeymoon phase or the initial stage of falling in love had ended and things started going back towards normal which you perceived as disinterest. He might be thinking of you as clingy or too needy.

I think your and his expectations from a relationship are different, that's all,nothing wrong with either of you. If you don't think you are compatible just break off the engagement. 

Sub7an'Allah sister, you have it right!

@Justme123

Please watch this 5 minute video to understand what is happening in your relationship.

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1 hour ago, BowTie said:

I don’t know how people are able to spill their personal life issues on a forum and let people they have no clue about influence their life decisions

And again, if he’s acting disinterested now, so early in the relationship, then he’s making it clear that he’s not someone to put effort and communicate effectively in any relationship.

Op: run, don’t walk away. This man is only giving you crumbs and expects you to be okay with it. He’s an abusive, controlling person, whom you are constantly fighting with. You, as a sensitive person, need to be with someone who is emotionally in tune with your needs, emotions, and willing to communicate and build trust, and most of all, patient. This guy is not that guy. And that’s okay. You’ll find someone whom you can really get along with, and understands you. 

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