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In the Name of God بسم الله
Kaya

Advice on Marriage for Convert

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From the teachings of Imams (عليه السلام), the virtues of marriage are clear. 

Examples: The Prophet (S) said, “One who marries, has already guarded half of his religion, therefore he should fear Allah for the other half.” 

And in the Qur'an: “And marry those among you who are single and those who are fit among your male slaves and your female slaves; if they are needy, Allah will make them free from want out of His grace; and Allah is Ample-giving, Knowing.” (Surah an-Nur, 24:32)

I am a 21 year old male who goes to university in Canada, and I will be graduating in 2 years Inshallah. I am also a convert to Islam, and I've accepted the school of the Ahlul Bayt shortly after my conversion.

Because the scholars recommend marriage early, I am looking for a way to get married to a religious and faithful wife. Looks and ethnicity are not important for me, it is enough if she is strongly committed to God and the teachings of the Ahlul Bayt.

Can some of the brothers here give me some advice? Should I wait more because I am new to Islam? How can I find the right person when I don't have a Shi'a family or any Shi'a friends? There are many Sunni women at the University, but I would much rather it be someone who is a follower of the Ahlul Bayt.

There is no Shi'a mosque near me, but when I graduate I plan to immediately move to a place where there is a Shi'a community (probably Toronto).

Thanks

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Salam. 

Waiting or not waiting is dependent on the opportunities for marriage that are available to you. Because marriage is either highly mustahab or wajib (under certain conditions that apply to most unmarried brothers and sisters here), you should always be seeking to get married and looking for opportunities in your area or online to meet a suitable spouse. The preferred way is to meet someone through relatives and family members, since these people are almost never trying to 'take advantage of you' and know your personality so they have a better idea what would and would not work out and what potential spouse(s) would be compatible with your status, personality, lifestyle, likes, dislikes, etc. 

Since many reverts do not have this option, probably the second best way is to meet as many potential spouse(s) as you can, in whatever avenue they come to you via (community events, masjid, friends, Islamic organization, marriage seminars, conferences, online, etc) and then narrow this field down by choosing the best suitable spouse for yourself. Every Muslim you meet, make sure they know that you are single and looking to get married. Some reverts , especially the sisters, don't like to do this and they feel it will put them at risk somehow, but that is not true. No matter what potential spouse(s) are presented to you, you always have control and the final say whether you are going to marry this person or not. Noone can 'force' you into marrying anyone. That is not part of Islam and for the marriage to be valid in Islam, both parties must freely consent to the marriage. By keeping 'secret' the fact that you are looking for a spouse, you are, as the saying goes, 'shooting yourself in the foot'. Because by keeping this secret, you are narrowing you choices and options to the point where, most likely, A) you will end up accepting a spouse who is not suitable simply because they are available and somehow figured out that you are 'looking' or B) you will not find a suitable spouse and end up staying single. Neither of these are good options, for a Muslim(a). 

If you decide to go this route, here are a couple of big red flags that you should take into consideration. If the potential spouse or their family does these things, you should think very seriously whether this spouse is appropriate.

1. They hide critical information from you. For example, you may be talking to a sister online and she won't send you her picture (at least a picture of her in hijab) or she sends you someone else's picture and says it is her. Or a family who is trying to find you a spouse but will not share things about this spouse, such as her immigration status, whether she has been married before, etc, or they lie about these things. 

2. There is any sort of bullying or abuse. They are abusive toward you or other's around you, and then say 'Oh, I'm sorry brother, forgive me'. If this happens maybe once or twice over a course of months or years, that is ok, but if this is happening on a regular basis (daily, weekly, etc) then definitely this is a situation you want to avoid getting into. 

3. They ask you to do things that are illegal in the country where you live as part of the process to meet or marry your spouse. 

4. They set a hard deadline for you to decide, I.e. you must make a decision in a day, week, month, etc.  Usually this means they are either hiding something from you regarding the situation of your potential spouse, or they are trying to bully you. Either way, this is bad. As a Muslim, you should decide within a reasonable amount of time, but this should be decided based on a mutual decision between the two parties (you and the potential spouse) and something that is reasonable given your situation and the situation of the potential spouse. 

5. They make unreasonable demands of you in order to meet, move forward with the marriage process. Examples are, they ask you for large sums of money, to apply for them for their immigration status (before the marriage is concluded and consumated), they ask you to give things to their family members, fly to another country to meet them, etc, etc. Any demand that they make and you are not comfortable doing, tell the potential spouse this. If they have a problem with your answer, then like I said above, you should seriously consider whether this person is a suitable spouse. 

Amoung the red flags, there are two 'HUGE' ones that if they ask for this, it should end the process immediately for you. First is if they ask you to apply for them as a husband / wife without you being married (Islamically) and living together(this is for reverts, in the case where the family of the potential spouse in known to you, this is not as much of a red flag). Second is if they ask you to leave your home country in order to meet them, especially if they ask you to go to a country where you have never been, don't know people there. That is not only unwise, but unsafe and you may be putting your life at risk. 

If you don't see any of these red flags, then it is probably ok to move forward with the marriage process. If you see one or more, you should either end the process or seek advice from a brother / sister in the community or a family member that you trust. Always make sure that throughout the process, and in life in general, never 'put your brain on a shelf'. Always think and use logic. Your logic and rationality (called Aql in Qur'an and hadith) is your most precious gift given to you by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and it's main job is to guide you and protect you in this life, even when it comes to issues which are highly emotional, such as marriage. Salam. 

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On 2/16/2019 at 5:17 AM, Abu Hadi said:

1. They hide critical information from you. For example, you may be talking to a sister online and she won't send you her picture (at least a picture of her in hijab) or she sends you someone else's picture and says it is her. Or a family who is trying to find you a spouse but will not share things about this spouse, such as her immigration status, whether she has been married before, etc, or they lie about these things. 

2. There is any sort of bullying or abuse. They are abusive toward you or other's around you, and then say 'Oh, I'm sorry brother, forgive me'. If this happens maybe once or twice over a course of months or years, that is ok, but if this is happening on a regular basis (daily, weekly, etc) then definitely this is a situation you want to avoid getting into. 

3. They ask you to do things that are illegal in the country where you live as part of the process to meet or marry your spouse. 

4. They set a hard deadline for you to decide, I.e. you must make a decision in a day, week, month, etc.  Usually this means they are either hiding something from you regarding the situation of your potential spouse, or they are trying to bully you. Either way, this is bad. As a Muslim, you should decide within a reasonable amount of time, but this should be decided based on a mutual decision between the two parties (you and the potential spouse) and something that is reasonable given your situation and the situation of the potential spouse. 

5. They make unreasonable demands of you in order to meet, move forward with the marriage process. Examples are, they ask you for large sums of money, to apply for them for their immigration status (before the marriage is concluded and consumated), they ask you to give things to their family members, fly to another country to meet them, etc, etc. Any demand that they make and you are not comfortable doing, tell the potential spouse this. If they have a problem with your answer, then like I said above, you should seriously consider whether this person is a suitable spouse. 

Mashallah these are great tips and I will definitely keep them in mind when the time comes to make a decision 

 

On 2/16/2019 at 5:17 AM, Abu Hadi said:

Since many reverts do not have this option, probably the second best way is to meet as many potential spouse(s) as you can, in whatever avenue they come to you via (community events, masjid, friends, Islamic organization, marriage seminars, conferences, online, etc) and then narrow this field down by choosing the best suitable spouse for yourself. Every Muslim you meet, make sure they know that you are single and looking to get married.

This is also a great suggestion brother, but I am wondering whether the Shia/Sunni issue is important? If I meet a Sunni woman at these events and she seems pious should I go ahead and seek marriage with her?

It is saddening to think that I would have to spend the rest of my life with someone that denies the oppression the Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام) faced, and they praise the caliphs and so forth. 

And even more, there might be issues about what madhab the children would learn and practice. And there could be issues with her Sunni family...

I don't know, maybe I am overthinking it. But I feel like being patient and waiting would be best, and perhaps God will make it easy for me in the future to marry a Shia woman

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On 2/26/2019 at 6:31 PM, IbnSina said:

Did anyone reach out to you brother?

Heres one more brother who lives in Canada, @Hassan-

No nobody reached out yet, and I don't know how to send private messages since I am new to this forum haha.

BUT..... Alhamdulillah I met a wonderful believing woman just in the last 2 weeks. I already asked her for marriage and she spoke to her mother so far (who was okay with the idea), and she will speak to her father when we make the final decision to get engaged (and ask for his permission). 

I seriously can't believe this yet myself... But Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) surely is the answerer of prayers!

"And your Lord says: Call upon Me, I will answer you; surely those who are too proud for My worship shall soon enter hell abased." (al-Mu’min, 40/60)

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On 3/5/2019 at 2:11 PM, Kaya said:

No nobody reached out yet, and I don't know how to send private messages since I am new to this forum haha.

BUT..... Alhamdulillah I met a wonderful believing woman just in the last 2 weeks. I already asked her for marriage and she spoke to her mother so far (who was okay with the idea), and she will speak to her father when we make the final decision to get engaged (and ask for his permission). 

I seriously can't believe this yet myself... But Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) surely is the answerer of prayers!

"And your Lord says: Call upon Me, I will answer you; surely those who are too proud for My worship shall soon enter hell abased." (al-Mu’min, 40/60)

Alhamdulillah brother, nice to hear!

InshaAllah its kheyr, I hope you get whatever is best for you, whatever that might be and at the time that is best for you, whenever that may be.

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On 2/12/2019 at 9:30 PM, Kaya said:

From the teachings of Imams (عليه السلام), the virtues of marriage are clear. 

Examples: The Prophet (S) said, “One who marries, has already guarded half of his religion, therefore he should fear Allah for the other half.” 

And in the Qur'an: “And marry those among you who are single and those who are fit among your male slaves and your female slaves; if they are needy, Allah will make them free from want out of His grace; and Allah is Ample-giving, Knowing.” (Surah an-Nur, 24:32)

I am a 21 year old male who goes to university in Canada, and I will be graduating in 2 years Inshallah. I am also a convert to Islam, and I've accepted the school of the Ahlul Bayt shortly after my conversion.

Because the scholars recommend marriage early, I am looking for a way to get married to a religious and faithful wife. Looks and ethnicity are not important for me, it is enough if she is strongly committed to God and the teachings of the Ahlul Bayt.

Can some of the brothers here give me some advice? Should I wait more because I am new to Islam? How can I find the right person when I don't have a Shi'a family or any Shi'a friends? There are many Sunni women at the University, but I would much rather it be someone who is a follower of the Ahlul Bayt.

There is no Shi'a mosque near me, but when I graduate I plan to immediately move to a place where there is a Shi'a community (probably Toronto).

Thanks

I think you should try to find whoever you think your soulmate is and whoever you think you will end up with forever until heaven regardless of anything else and details of Islam can come later on in my opinion.

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