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In the Name of God بسم الله

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  • Advanced Member
Posted

Salamun Alaikum,

Whether it's talking or listening. I'm not comfortable making eye contact with people. I've been thinking about this for a while so I did a google search on it last night to see if there's others who feel the same. Apart from a post on reddit, I couldn't find much.

What do you guys think? I personally find that I become self-conscious. That impairs my ability to listen and to empathize with the person I'm talking to. However, I do so much better when I'm not directly looking at them and the conversations are so much better but society dictates that there is something wrong with you if you don't. 

I do remember coming across a hadith which mentioned something about staring while talking or listening but I can't remember the exact words. I don't think The Holy Prophet (sawa) encouraged it. I don't think it's the norm and I don't know when it became the norm. Please share your thoughts if you feel the same or how you go about conversing with people. 

  • Development Team
Posted
53 minutes ago, Triggered said:

Salamun Alaikum,

Whether it's talking or listening. I'm not comfortable making eye contact with people. I've been thinking about this for a while so I did a google search on it last night to see if there's others who feel the same. Apart from a post on reddit, I couldn't find much.

What do you guys think? I personally find that I become self-conscious. That impairs my ability to listen and to empathize with the person I'm talking to. However, I do so much better when I'm not directly looking at them and the conversations are so much better but society dictates that there is something wrong with you if you don't. 

I do remember coming across a hadith which mentioned something about staring while talking or listening but I can't remember the exact words. I don't think The Holy Prophet (sawa) encouraged it. I don't think it's the norm and I don't know when it became the norm. Please share your thoughts if you feel the same or how you go about conversing with people. 

Eye contact is crucial in communication though, it shows that people are engaged and are interested in what you have to say. Plus, by looking at them, your voice is projected at your intended audience and not muffled or mumbled. Also, from my experience, not looking at the person makes me miss what is being said.  Eye contact is unavoidable. You should get checked for Asperger's, people with Asperger's tend to shun eye contact like this.

  • Veteran Member
Posted

I thought you would be interested to know how Rasoul Allah would hold a conversation...

@Triggered

While walking, he did not drag his feet on the ground but advanced lifting his feet. He used to lower his head as if descending from a height. He never tilted his head like arrogant persons. He walked with long steps and with soberness. While talking with others, he never looked at others sideways like proud and affluent persons but always faced them directly. He mostly kept his eyes downcast, more towards Earth, not the sky.

While looking he did not open his eyes fully but looked from corners. He greeted first whomsoever he met. He always remained in thought and never blank in mind and without engagement. He did not talk unnecessarily. While speaking, he never opened his mouth wide and yet his talk was always clear and understandable. His talk was comprehensive with few words and wide meaning clarifying the truth. Though not lengthy, his talk fully expressed the aim. His temperament was very soft without any harshness and adamancy.

https://www.al-Islam.org/hayat-al-qulub-vol-2-allamah-Muhammad-Baqir-al-majlisi/Prophet-s-appearance-character-physique

  • Advanced Member
Posted
 

@Gaius I. Caesar No. Definitely not aspergers. I just find myself being more engaged when I’m not looking and talking while looking down doesn’t muffle the sound. 

 

@Laayla Thanks for sharing. “While talking, He (sawa) would face them directly.” So, The Holy Prophet (sawa) - did He make eye contact or not? It says He mostly kept His eyes downcast but doesn’t state if that was when talking or not.

 

  • Advanced Member
Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

How do you look at people from the corners of your eyes?

Salam , it's something between staring & looking around like as you look in person in front of you but you also look at behind of him.

7 hours ago, Triggered said:

So, The Holy Prophet (sawa) - did He make eye contact or not? It says He mostly kept His eyes downcast but doesn’t state if that was when talking or not.

Salam , he was making eye contact but for short periods , you don't have to stare  completely to other person while you are speaking like presenters but make short period eye contact that shows you are talking with that person , in best mode try to make eye contact in 50-50 but if it's hard for you at least once or twice have eye contact with that person  you talk with him to show respect to him.

Edited by Ashvazdanghe
  • Advanced Member
Posted

Some people have eyes so completely devoid of life that by just looking at them can have adverse affects on you. 

It reminds me of this convenience store near our house. God. The cashier in that store. That guy has no compassion in his eyes whatsoever. I mean I’ll walk the extra 5 kilometres to the co-op in -20 than look into his stone cold eyes. Awful....awful feeling that..

  • Veteran Member
Posted
18 hours ago, Triggered said:

Some people have eyes so completely devoid of life that by just looking at them can have adverse affects on you. 

It reminds me of this convenience store near our house. God. The cashier in that store. That guy has no compassion in his eyes whatsoever. I mean I’ll walk the extra 5 kilometres to the co-op in -20 than look into his stone cold eyes. Awful....awful feeling that..

Eyes are the window to the soul. I'm not walking anywhere in -20, (don't even want to go out n feed the dogs), because of how someone looks at me. They don't have near the power over you as your insecurities do. Consider it a reflection of him, not a judgement call on you. There's 100 reasons other than you that could be causing his emotionless disposition. Chances are there is something in his life stealing his joy. Maybe he just hates his job, or his boss, or his mom. 

Many years in the midst of corporate confusion. Not so many want you looking in their eyes or you'll see their intentions are not true. It's most important to be looking at someone when they finish their statement. A rebound expression often follows a statement. That expression often tells you who you are dealing with. Eyes will also tell you if the other person is actually listening, or accepting what you say. These are important clues. 

  • Development Team
Posted (edited)
20 hours ago, Triggered said:

Some people have eyes so completely devoid of life that by just looking at them can have adverse affects on you. 

It reminds me of this convenience store near our house. God. The cashier in that store. That guy has no compassion in his eyes whatsoever. I mean I’ll walk the extra 5 kilometres to the co-op in -20 than look into his stone cold eyes. Awful....awful feeling that..

Talk to him, instead of complaining about him on ShiaChat. Maybe he is suffering? Either way, I don't like how judgmental you are acting. I agree with Son, I'm also glad I don't let insecurities and preconceived notions control me like the way they control you. You say that this guy lacks compassion in his  eyes but you lack compassion and common sense in mine.

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar
Guest Umm Amira
Posted

Salaam :) its good to make eye contact while someone is speaking but try and look in their eyes directly and not other places because sometimes people can take offense to that. Sometimes if I feel shy or nervous talking to someone I will lower my eyes a little while they are speaking but nod here and there so they know I am paying attention and understand that I'm just shy. Are you a woman or man? I feel like for women it is more acceptable not to make direct eye contact in conversation and it is not really seen as a weakness, some Muslims may even regard it a strength. But I think for men it is different (although it shouldn't be) because men are expected to be more confident and direct in their speech. Either way, don't feel bad about it or stress over it, it will improve over time in shaa Allah, make dua if it is something that bothers you. It is not a sin to not have poor eye contact, Allah know's your intentions and if you're not doing it out of pride, you have nothing to worry about, as everyone is different :) 

  • Advanced Member
Posted

I’m not complaining. I’m just saying some people give off negative vibes. You don’t even have to know them. You just know there’s something off about them. Surely I can’t be the only who feels like this?! 

It’s not like I haven’t tried making small talk with the guy. I have. I just couldn’t find any warmth in him and I empathize with him but I also empathize with myself and just refuse to go to that store. 

I don’t know. I don’t think it has anything to do with any of my insecurities. I just like my cashiers warm and friendly. Especially when it’s -20 out. 

 

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