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In the Name of God بسم الله
mhr

Shia/Sunni Marriage and Istikhara

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Hello I am a Shia male Muslim and I have recently been talking to a Sunni female Muslim in the hopes of getting married. We have a strong connection and really like each other. We do not care about the different sects that we are in, instead we are happy that we are both Muslim and follow the 5 pillars. We talked about the differences and came to an understanding of how we will approach them. 

I told my parents about her and that she is Sunni so they wanted a Mualana to do an istikhara. I am not that familiar with istkhara, but I allowed my mom to proceed to make her happy. I said okay and it came out negative 4 times. I told my parents I would like to keep talking to her and this got them really upset not because she is Sunni, but because of the outcome from the istikhara. My mother has been sad and crying a lot, because she is afraid something bad would happen. I really like this girl and I'm really happy when I am with her, however I do not want to make my parents upset or not take the istikhara seriously. 

I'm just conflicted in where I found a good practicing Muslim girl that I see as a partner, but now I can’t be with her because of the istikhara. In my heart I feel that she is right for me and we would have a good future. Should I follow the istikhara and stop upsetting my mom? Am I being selfish? I don't want her to feel more stress, anxiety, and sadness if I decided to be with the girl. I care about my parents feelings and also the girl I want to be with. What should I do? End it or keep talking to her? I just don' want to hurt my parents or the girl.

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On 1/28/2019 at 11:51 AM, mhr said:

End it or keep talking to her?

Do an istikhara. I am serious. 

I am against Shia Sunni marriage but since you have decided to choose a Sunni life partner and wish to do Istikhara for it, I suggest you do it yourself and do it with the intention that you will follow whatever the result. I don't know what was the intention of Molana for the istikhara( about following it) and neither do you. As far as I know, Istikhara shouldn't be repeated multiple times for the same thing unless there is a change of circumstances. It's easy to do it yourself. You will find the methods on Duas.org. So do it yourself and follow it with the conviction that Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) knows what's best for us. 

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58 minutes ago, mhr said:

I told my parents about her and that she is Sunni so they wanted a Mualana to do an istikhara. I am not that familiar with istkhara, but I allowed my mom to proceed to make her happy. I said okay and it came out negative 4 times.

Are you serious? Why would you even attempt second time? Don't you feel Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) wants to convey something to you about this relation?

I would suggest you to have patience and be satisfied with what Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) wants for you.

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First of all congratulations brother for having the courage to consider a Sunni girl. I am kind of in a similar position because I speak to many women regarding marriage and there are prestigious opportunities with Sunni women as well. This topic would certainly make a good discussion group.

Anyway I think you should not attempt to make another istakara. If your mum is upset because she fears the outcome of your actions because of the istakara then I suggest speak to a maulana to seek options. At the end of the day you may have to forget about this dream. My advice then would be speak to a professional relationship adviser to take steps away from each other slowly and respectfully so that it doesn't hurt so much. Like a wound it has to heal slowly,

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We will always make mothers suffer, no matter what we do to avoid it. We grow up and eventually have to make our own decisions. So, unless there is something that worries you for real, you shouldn't make your decisions merely based on what would please your mother.

As for the istikhara, I really don't know to which point it should control our lives. I see all these things as a guide and reminder, but not something to take control over our most important choices. Just be careful, as this decision involves trusting other people and the outcomes vary a lot. If you decide to marry, I wish you both the best of luck, but be ready for anything and learn from all the errors you can.

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On 1/28/2019 at 11:51 AM, mhr said:

I told my parents about her and that she is Sunni so they wanted a Mualana to do an istikhara. I am not that familiar with istkhara, but I allowed my mom to proceed to make her happy. I said okay and it came out negative 4 times.

If that isn't enough reason to not get married I don't know what is.

4x and the same result...doesn't get any more clear than that. When an Istikhara consistently comes bad like that then you need to avoid doing that action with no questions asked.

This at this point has nothing to do with Shia/Sunni. This has now become something that will have a negative outcome. What that negative outcome is only Allah knows at this point. The list of possibilities is endless as to how a negative outcome will happen. It could range from anything from a genetic disorder in your future children due to your genetic compatibility to you and her dying in a car accident. I don't mean to sound gruesome but something bad will come out of this marriage.

Bottomline is that you need to not marry this girl no matter what. Allah in his infinite wisdom is saying don't do it. I don't know of a better way to explain it than that.

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I would advise you leave it. When children are born to families of mixed beliefs, they very rarely hold your beliefs - be that Christian-Muslim marriages or Shia-Sunni marriages. The kids either grow up confused or they end up being non-religious due to a lack of wholesome guidance from both the father and the mother as one unit - and you cannot do that as Sunnism and Shi'ism cannot be reconciled just with good intentions because the beliefs are completely different.

Just a side point, but from her perspective, in her Fiqh (all four Sunni Madhahib), her marriage to you as a Shia is likely to be invalid and she would only be agreeing out of emotion or a lack of knowledge of her own beliefs. If she would be willing to compromise her religious principles just for something (or someone) material, then that should be a big question mark over what kind of mother you want for your kids.

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As salaam alykum

I am Shia guy married to Sunni girl, my parents are not happy and I have been married for 10 years, you will face lot of problems if you follow your Shia Islam, and more older you get more closer you will get to Ahlibuyat. 

If your wife becomes Shia then it may work but there is always that friction between in-laws about Shia Sunni topics.

lastly when kids are born will they be Shia or Sunni, they will spend most of the time with mother and if she stays Sunni they she will have that influence on them, hence I don’t have kids yet.

may Allah solve all our problems.

wa salaam 

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I’m married to a Sunni man. The istikhara came out positive. 

Id say wait before making any decisions—weigh out all the pros and cons. Can you be with this girl for a lifetime? Do you see yourself having children? Continue building the relationship? Will you be happy together? Do you know each other well? Can you communicate effectively? 

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