My parents keep delaying me on marriage.

[Mariamtee]

Salam everyone.

im almost 23 years old & ive spoken to my parents about a man that I want to marry. They aren’t comfortable about it for 2 reasons; 1. Because they don’t know him or his family & 2. Because he is a lebo Shia and I am Iraqi Shia. 

It’s been 3 years since I brought up the topic to my mum. First she told me to wait for my older brother to get married, then she told me to wait for my other brother however both my brothers aren’t ready. She knows that my mind is stuck on him but he hurts me when she talks about other potential spouses for me.. she will come into my room & talk to me about one of my brothers mates that is Iraqi and a family man and how wonderful he is. I speak to her about the man I want to marry almost everyday and she helps me out on how to convince my dad and in the future we should get a sheik involved to convince my dad but then why does she talk about other men and encourage me to say yes to one of them? If breaks my heart because it feels like she doesn’t care that it hurts me

I’ve been waiting for 3 whole years to marry this one guy, I’ve finished my studies.. I’ve gotten 2 degrees.. I want to get married, I want to start my own family, I want the responsibilities of being a mother and wife already. My whole life, I’ve wanted to start a family rather than a career, that’s how important it is for me. 

I’ve developed anxiety and depression over the years, I got medication & see a psychiatrist which my parents have no idea about even though they are one of the main reasons I need it. 

I don’t know how much longer I can be patient for, it’s not just me that it is effecting, it’s the man I want to marry too, his family are happy with me, they are just waiting for my dads approval. I’m so grateful everyday but sometimes I wish there was an easy way just to get married 

[Kirmani]

Wasalaam, very sorry for your situation. Yes it's very wrong for your parents to delay like that and for those reasons. I do not know whose taqlid you are in, but please look at this ruling from Sistani.org

"2386. In the following situations, it will not be necessary for a woman to seek the permission of her father or paternal grandfather, before getting married:
If she is not a virgin. If she is a virgin, but her father or paternal grandfather refuse to grant permission to her for marrying a man who is compatible to her in the eyes of Shariah, as well as custom. If the father and the grandfather are not in any way willing to participate in the marriage. If they are not in a capacity to give their consent, like in the case of mental illness etc. If it is not possible to obtain their permission because of their absence, or such other reasons, and the woman is eager to get married urgently.

Please show them (both his parents and yours) this, also which country do you currently reside in? (that may give an idea of what safe options you have). If this is the decision you want to take with your life then your parents should respect that and you should take action.

[Shahrukh K]

Walekum Assalam,

You are with your parents for 23 years, they love you and cared for you for 23 years and I believe they still love you and will love you all life, more than anyone else.

There must be some reason for their reluctance in marrying you to that man.

Remember they are the only one in the whole world always wish you to be happy. They do not ask you anything in return.

I do not know anything about lebo Shia and Iraqi Shia because I am an Indian. Trust your parents, do not marry without permission of your parents.

[Sirius_Bright]

1 hour ago, Raheel Yunus said:

You are with your parents for 23 years, they love you and cared for you for 23 years and I believe they still love you and will love you all life, more than anyone else.

There must be some reason for their reluctance in marrying you to that man.

I disagree. There are parents who genuinely look into what their son or daughter wants others care too much for culture, race, nationality. Being with them for 23 years doesn't mean they are right with every decision. It is possible they have some reason and better option available for her but I believe she would have know that reason if it was the case. In anycase, parents should be respected and as a Muslim, their respect is wajib. 

13 hours ago, Mariamtee said:

I speak to her about the man I want to marry almost everyday and she helps me out on how to convince my dad and in the future we should get a sheik involved to convince my dad

Does your dad already know about the person you wish to marry and is disagreeing or he is yet to be informed about your choice? 

Does your brothers know about your case? 

[Fakeha]

14 hours ago, Mariamtee said:

but sometimes I wish there was an easy way just to get married 

Completely agreed!!

[BowTie]

Allllll that you just stated, doesnt occur in Lebanon and Lebanese can’t understand this type of issues. So if he is “lebo”, tough luck girl, this will complicate his life

[AMR5]

2 hours ago, BowTie said:

Allllll that you just stated, doesnt occur in Lebanon and Lebanese can’t understand this type of issues. So if he is “lebo”, tough luck girl, this will complicate his life

Why? Could you kindly elaborate?

[laithAlIRAQI]

Culture can be stupid, tough luck.

[BowTie]

1 hour ago, AMR5 said:

Why? Could you kindly elaborate?

Our culture and Iraqi culture is different. She would be too much for him. Especially the culture that includes parents nitpicking 

[2Timeless]

1 hour ago, BowTie said:

Our culture and Iraqi culture is different. She would be too much for him. Especially the culture that includes parents nitpicking 

Prime example of what not to say. Seriously? You're discriminating against a whole culture because of preference of some individuals? I could do the same and tell the OP 'never marry a Lebanese because he's going to arrogant and obnoxious and all he'll do is complicated your life!' If you want, we could also take a look at Lebanese tv channels and the shows they air, and make such generalisations about all Lebanese people. But any human with logic would know that's called prejudice and stereotyping. 

I've noticed how you instruct other members not to comment on threads if their comments aren't useful or beneficial. Funny. Would make the advice more effective if you followed it yourself. Please don't derail the topic further by going back and forth and defending the most fascinating thoughts you've shared on here.

@Mariamtee sister, if you've waited 3 years I think that's enough. Maybe just make the guy come to your dad directly. Give him your dad's number, make his father arrange a meeting  and get it over and done with. Maybe you've tried it before, but if you haven't I think you need to show your parents just how serious you are. I understand their reservations because it can be scary marrying into a different culture. The groom and his father just need to show your parents that they don't impose any threat on you or your culture. If you're too worried about getting the guy involved directly , maybe ask for a senior family member to convince your dad, or get a sheikh involved to help your dad see things as they really are, stripped from all his natural fears. But I think the best move forward is to just get along with the marriage proceedings. Show them you're serious and this is what you want, and you won't do it behind their back. 

Inshallah it all works out in your favour. 

[Mariamtee]

10 hours ago, Kirmani said:

Wasalaam, very sorry for your situation. Yes it's very wrong for your parents to delay like that and for those reasons. I do not know whose taqlid you are in, but please look at this ruling from Sistani.org

"2386. In the following situations, it will not be necessary for a woman to seek the permission of her father or paternal grandfather, before getting married:
If she is not a virgin. If she is a virgin, but her father or paternal grandfather refuse to grant permission to her for marrying a man who is compatible to her in the eyes of Shariah, as well as custom. If the father and the grandfather are not in any way willing to participate in the marriage. If they are not in a capacity to give their consent, like in the case of mental illness etc. If it is not possible to obtain their permission because of their absence, or such other reasons, and the woman is eager to get married urgently.

Please show them (both his parents and yours) this, also which country do you currently reside in? (that may give an idea of what safe options you have). If this is the decision you want to take with your life then your parents should respect that and you should take action.

Hi thank you for your response, I follow Sistani and so does he. Also I’m from Australia 

[Mariamtee]

8 hours ago, Sirius_Bright said:

I disagree. There are parents who genuinely look into what their son or daughter wants others care too much for culture, race, nationality. Being with them for 23 years doesn't mean they are right with every decision. It is possible they have some reason and better option available for her but I believe she would have know that reason if it was the case. In anycase, parents should be respected and as a Muslim, their respect is wajib. 

Does your dad already know about the person you wish to marry and is disagreeing or he is yet to be informed about your choice? 

Does your brothers know about your case? 

I completely agree. I’ve spoken to my dad twice, at first he wasn’t happy at all and just shut me down but then he brought it up to me and just asked questions about him and his family and that was 1 month ago.

my brothers know, one of them didn’t care at all till now because his mate wants to marry me, so he ignored my situation and didn’t even care who I wanted to marry because he has a mate that’s looking for a Iraqi girl. This is the same mate that my mum keeps trying to convince me of which upsets me because he isn’t a better guy than the one I want to marry, at all, not even close 

[Mariamtee]

7 hours ago, BowTie said:

Allllll that you just stated, doesnt occur in Lebanon and Lebanese can’t understand this type of issues. So if he is “lebo”, tough luck girl, this will complicate his life

Just incase you didn’t read my post, this has been happening for 3 years and he is still here. He ensures me that no matter how long or how hard it’s going to be, I’m worth it. He is Lebanese and he does understand this type of issues, he doesn’t agree with them just like I don’t but understands them to a point. He knows what’s going on, his family know what’s going on and they are still trying. My parents are the type of parents where if this goes through, then there isn’t going to be culture issues because I’m going to be my husbands responsibility not theirs.. they know that once I’m marry, they lost there “nitpicking” ways. But thank you for your responses 

[Mariamtee]

2 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

Prime example of what not to say. Seriously? You're discriminating against a whole culture because of preference of some individuals? I could do the same and tell the OP 'never marry a Lebanese because he's going to arrogant and obnoxious and all he'll do is complicated your life!' If you want, we could also take a look at Lebanese tv channels and the shows they air, and make such generalisations about all Lebanese people. But any human with logic would know that's called prejudice and stereotyping. 

I've noticed how you instruct other members not to comment on threads if their comments aren't useful or beneficial. Funny. Would make the advice more effective if you followed it yourself. Please don't derail the topic further by going back and forth and defending the most fascinating thoughts you've shared on here.

@Mariamtee sister, if you've waited 3 years I think that's enough. Maybe just make the guy come to your dad directly. Give him your dad's number, make his father arrange a meeting  and get it over and done with. Maybe you've tried it before, but if you haven't I think you need to show your parents just how serious you are. I understand their reservations because it can be scary marrying into a different culture. The groom and his father just need to show your parents that they don't impose any threat on you or your culture. If you're too worried about getting the guy involved directly , maybe ask for a senior family member to convince your dad, or get a sheikh involved to help your dad see things as they really are, stripped from all his natural fears. But I think the best move forward is to just get along with the marriage proceedings. Show them you're serious and this is what you want, and you won't do it behind their back. 

Inshallah it all works out in your favour. 

I was thinking to give my dads number to the groom but I wasn’t too sure if that will disrespect my dad in any way? Our next step is to get a sheik to call me dad and speak To him about how he has no reason to worry about.. pretty much vouch for the man I want to marry because the sheik knows him personally. Also the man I was to marry has an Iraqi grandparent from his dads side because should be abut easier I thought.

thank you so much for your response 

[2Timeless]

1 hour ago, Mariamtee said:

I was thinking to give my dads number to the groom but I wasn’t too sure if that will disrespect my dad in any way? Our next step is to get a sheik to call me dad and speak To him about how he has no reason to worry about.. pretty much vouch for the man I want to marry because the sheik knows him personally. Also the man I was to marry has an Iraqi grandparent from his dads side because should be abut easier I thought.

thank you so much for your response 

Hm, try the sheikh. Then maybe get the sheikh and the guy to go talk to your dad, with the guys dad too. I don't think it would be disrespectful to your dad if you gave his number. In fact , it shows that the guy respects your dad alot, that he won't marry you without your father's approval. 

Np, good luck!!!!

[Sirius_Bright]

2 hours ago, Mariamtee said:

I’ve spoken to my dad twice, at first he wasn’t happy at all and just shut me down but then he brought it up to me and just asked questions about him and his family and that was 1 month ago.

I think your father is interested in your choice and would not deny if you talk to him again and push the matter further. Once you get his approval your problem is solved. 

2 hours ago, Mariamtee said:

my brothers know, one of them didn’t care at all till now because his mate wants to marry me, so he ignored my situation and didn’t even care who I wanted to marry because he has a mate that’s looking for a Iraqi girl. This is the same mate that my mum keeps trying to convince me of which upsets me because he isn’t a better guy than the one I want to marry, at all, not even close 

If father is the decision maker in your home then care less what your brother thinks. Once your dad explicitly agrees with you bring the matter when sitting with the family. Then ask your guy to officially come with his parents to ask for your hand. 

[BowTie]

21 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

Prime example of what not to say. Seriously? You're discriminating against a whole culture because of preference of some individuals? I could do the same and tell the OP 'never marry a Lebanese because he's going to arrogant and obnoxious and all he'll do is complicated your life!

Well, if it wasn't true I wouldnt have gotten under your skin. 

Quote

' If you want, we could also take a look at Lebanese tv channels and the shows they air, and make such generalisations about all Lebanese people. But any human with logic would know that's called prejudice and stereotyping. 

Sure you can, there are tons of social backgrounds in each country, but the culture is one. But it seems you enjoy watching them thats why you know about them.

 

18 hours ago, Mariamtee said:

My parents are the type of parents where if this goes through, then there isn’t going to be culture issues because I’m going to be my husbands responsibility not theirs.. they know that once I’m marry, they lost there “nitpicking” ways. But thank you for your responses 

Well if you do follow that and make it clear to your family, then that is probably fine. 

Edited January 23, 2019 by BowTie

[2Timeless]

13 minutes ago, BowTie said:

Well, if it wasn't true I wouldnt have gotten under your skin. 

Lol, I'm so terribly sorry that I get to have the pleasure of bursting your bubble; but I don't care enough for you to even get under my skin in the first place. My intellect allows me to acknowledge wrong and immorality (in this case it's discrimination), and point it out. Simple. Now, please either give constructive advice and apologise to the sister for the rudeness you've shown, or stop replying. 

Allah yihdeena brother. 

"Well if you do follow that and make it clear to your family, then that is probably fine."

I see you've already started making amends. I congratulate you brother. 

Edited January 23, 2019 by 2Timeless

[Kirmani]

On 1/22/2019 at 5:47 PM, Mariamtee said:

Hi thank you for your response, I follow Sistani and so does he. Also I’m from Australia 

Sister, in that case since you are now an adult with complete education it is time to take the adult step. With FULL RESPECT and proper talking manners, lay down and explain to your parents with what decisions you want to do with your life and what your religious rights are. Tell them how much you want them to be a part of this decision but then if they refuse this union for the WRONG reasons (I.e he is lebanese or wait for you brother to get married etc) then take an independent step and proceed by yourself and again in a respectful tone tell them what you are going to do no matter what, because then both Islamically and legally they cannot stop you. I am very sure they will love you and wont harm you in any way no matter what, but if God Forbid if you fear anything I am pretty sure you can seek help and protection because of where you live.

Edited January 24, 2019 by Kirmani

[realizm]

A question came to my mind.

I remember in the beginning of 2000s  Lebanese in Australia had made riots. 

I could never imagine this to happen with Lebanese here in Europe, they are just not the kind.

Do they have that reputation of "zo3ran" in Australia which could explain an Iraqi family being reluctant to giving their daughter in wedding ? 

[notme]

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