Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
Guest Ali313

What should i do?

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

Guest Ali313

What I should do? i got married to complete my deen,  it is been over 4 years, i have now two young kids but there is no harmony with my wife, i been trying all this time  to see any changes but still same issues, I have involved Alim and he was very harsh on her . Part of the issue being her raised in the West and am from the back home, her personality always defensive and she thinks she has the right to talk this way, I feel many times disrespected and almost disconnected in thoughts, plans, and way in looking for things. she is good person, she does her duties but i do not see any progress from the marriage side, it effecting my health to the point i start taking anxiety medications . at this point i do not know what to do, i do not feel anything anymore!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Where exactly are you and where is she from?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You decide to complete your deen so you decide to marry someone who is from a complete different background, and suppose that because its a marriage it will all be good? Second of all, so why is it that I feel you want her to do progress while you sit and watch? What is your role in the marriage exactly? Just a spectator for her to be up to your standards?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Ali313

You guys easy to jump into conclusion that is  not good start, first we are both from the same culture the only difference is we been raised in different countries (same home country, same religion, whats wrong with that?) . My real goal is to start family life like any other human, Third who said  i got married to sit and watch? if that was the case i could have got divorced the first year instead of trying and being patience for over 4 years. Fourth not only i tried i did involve few Sayyeds  to help rectifying the problem. I didn't come here asking for divorce or be miss judged because you might be religious but I do too and i  know my duties and responsibilities as husband. 

I was waiting for an answer from Sayyed or Sheikh who  is experienced with these issues but i guess am in the wrong place!

Thank you 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That is the problem with people marrying outside their cultures. More chance of incompatibility arises between both partners. I am not saying that marriage between peoples from different cultures or generation won't work because I have seen many marriages blossom and still going strong but then there also are many sad cases of mostly sisters suffering in cases involving husbands from the Indian subcontinent with serious problems and culture clashes. I am not saying that you belong in that category.

I think you should both think from a compatibility perspective. sit down. seek a professional relationship councillor and take each step at a time. You both have to realise that you are in this too deep now. The only happiness for both of you and your children is to be honest, compliment each other and try to make this relationship work. May Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى bless you and your family and all those families and individuals suffering in similar situations.

Edited by Murtaza1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 minutes ago, Guest Ali313 said:

You guys easy to jump into conclusion that is  not good start, first we are both from the same culture the only difference is we been raised in different countries (same home country, same religion, whats wrong with that?) . My real goal is to start family life like any other human, Third who said  i got married to sit and watch? if that was the case i could have got divorced the first year instead of trying and being patience for over 4 years. Fourth not only i tried i did involve few Sayyeds  to help rectifying the problem. I didn't come here asking for divorce or be miss judged because you might be religious but I do too and i  know my duties and responsibilities as husband. 

I was waiting for an answer from Sayyed or Sheikh who  is experienced with these issues but i guess am in the wrong place!

Thank you 

Being from the same country but raised in different countries means different culture and different backgrounds.

Sayyeds don't solve problems man. You have a problem with your wife, sit with her, and see how you would work it out with her. Sayyeds can barely solve their own problems. They're humans like us. On the contrary, maybe she's unhappy scholars are being involved

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

See a marriage counsellor instead of a sheikh. Telling you from experience, sadly most of our sayyeds and sheikhs have zero training to deal with marital issues. The only thing they are good at is parroting fatwas and only tend to make things worse. From what I understand from your post, your marriage is very much salvageable. Please don't let a sheykh ruin it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
38 minutes ago, Guest Ali313 said:

we are both from the same culture the only difference is we been raised in different countries (same home country, same religion, whats wrong with that?)

Brother are you serious? You clearly stated in your first message that you have children.

Coming from different countries brings many differences between people. If you havent heard of the many sisters that have suffered and are still suffering and divorces in the UK even after they have children then please do your research. I am saying this to save everybody pain, heartache and ruined lifes. Your marriage is already not working. Please think about it. 

Edited by Murtaza1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Being raised in different countries often means you’re from very different cultures. For example, a woman raised in the West will have different ideals than a woman(or man) raised in the East. If you are from the East v West it’s obvious you have very different upbringings and cultures.

Counseling will greatly help facilitate a healthy way to communicate, so I would try that before anything else. You have to understand how to effectively and respectfully communicate with one another. This is the biggest reason people have problems in their marriages. As other members have mentioned, you can also have a sit down with your wife. Be open and willing to be vulnerable and accept your shortcomings. Be honest with one another. Explain what problems you’re having with her behavior and tell her what you would like to see change. Do not speak defensively or in an accusatory manner. Let her do the same with you. You should understand that you are on the same team, you aren’t working against each other. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Guest Ali313 said:

What I should do? i got married to complete my deen,  it is been over 4 years, i have now two young kids but there is no harmony with my wife, i been trying all this time  to see any changes but still same issues, I have involved Alim and he was very harsh on her . Part of the issue being her raised in the West and am from the back home, her personality always defensive and she thinks she has the right to talk this way, I feel many times disrespected and almost disconnected in thoughts, plans, and way in looking for things. she is good person, she does her duties but i do not see any progress from the marriage side, it effecting my health to the point i start taking anxiety medications . at this point i do not know what to do, i do not feel anything anymore!!!

Your spouse seems to be suffering from haughtiness issues. I think you should talk to her to show respect in words by using simple methods like speaking softly, lovingly, with patience. 

I’m sure she respects you in her heart and it’s just the language and cultural differences between the two of you. 

Also as a side exercise, ask her what two things that you could that would help her change her behavior. Then do those two things and let her reciprocate.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As salaamun aleikum brother, 

Not sure where youre located, but this Sheikh may be able to help you because not only is he religiously educated, but he's also a psychologist and family counselor, and so on and so forth. Here, check his website and see if maybe he does Skype sessions or something. He's based here in San Francisco Bay Area, California, United States. Ive met him in person beforre at a youth camp. Inshallah you can get some help from him or maybe he can direct you somewhere else that's closer to where you live.

https://seyedhadiyassin.com/

Excerpt from his home page:

Great to see you are interested in taking the first steps to living a fulfilling life.

I specialize in relationships whether they are romantic, child-parent or family. I believe all of these different relationships are intertwined with a full and satisfying life. If you see problems in your life, they may stem from your relationships.

I believe with the proper skills and strategies provided through H.A.D.I. sessions you can resolve any conflict or difficulty that you are experiencing in your private or professional life. Here at H.A.D.I. we strive to provide our clients with all the tools they need to live a fulfilling life and coaching them to rise to their full potential.

Let H.A.D.I. guide you through this beautiful journey of life as you

Hope for the Future. Achieve your goals. Develop your skills and, Inspire the world!

sign

W/s

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your post shows everything wrong with men raised in east. Your poor wife fullfills all her duties, she even raised 2 kids, still you want her to silently tolerate your abuse and not say a word? I am sure yiu have the support of your wife's family, your family, you even got support from a scholar, still that's not enough for you? You need support from people on the internet? You are spoiled and entitled, whatever your wife does to please you, it's never going to be enough. Your kids are alive and they have all their body parts? Well your wife has done her job. You shouldn't expect anything more from her. I am so sad after reading that scholar was harsh with her. Backward eastern culture doesn't support women, their own parents don't support them, they only had one hope: religion. Now the fake scholars are even taking away that hope. Your wife is an angel, she should have gotten divorce from you. I honestly don't understand what problem you have with your wife other than she doesn't satisfy your ego. 

Edited by rkazmi33

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, rkazmi33 said:

Your post shows everything wrong with men raised in east...Your wife is an angel, she should have gotten divorce from you. 

I totally agree with you. I know sisters that are strong as a rock. When their husbands cheat on them they throw them out with a divorce even if they have children. They raise their children on their own. On their own but still longing with an intense feeling for love, care and support they don't forget to smile. It shows power and courage. I applaud them. That's what makes their personality sweet. 

One sister told me she got Khula, a form of islamic divorce initiated by the wife, which is effected by the return of her husbands wedding gift.

Edited by Murtaza1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Ali313

Your post shows everything wrong with men raised in east. Your poor wife fullfills all her duties, she even raised 2 kids, still you want her to silently tolerate your abuse and not say a word? I am sure yiu have the support of your wife's family, your family, you even got support from a scholar, still that's not enough for you? You need support from people on the internet? You are spoiled and entitled, whatever your wife does to please you, it's never going to be enough. Your kids are alive and they have all their body parts? Well your wife has done her job. You shouldn't expect anything more from her. I am so sad after reading that scholar was harsh with her. Backward eastern culture doesn't support women, their own parents don't support them, they only had one hope: religion. Now the fake scholars are even taking away that hope. Your wife is an angel, she should have gotten divorce from you. I honestly don't understand what problem you have with your wife other than she doesn't satisfy your ego. 

 

Subhan Allah you either Ignorant or you are part of the feminine movement, So let me ask you since you are acting too smart!

If you ask your wife to wear Hejab and she does not what you will do?

If you ask your wife to put your kids in Islamic school and she does not  agree what you will do?

if you ask your wife not to involve anyone in your life but she still does what you will do?

if you ask your to respect her husband decision and she does not what you will do?

etc.....

Now talking about your west mentality? if you are originally Pakistani and you guys have strict culture where man abuse their women, this is not the case and to blame a scholar you do not even know  another ignorant move. It seems the  west culture changed instead of balancing your life. Anyways just FYI, my issue is very opposite. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
34 minutes ago, Guest Ali313 said:

If you ask your wife to wear Hejab and she does not what you will do?

If Hijab was such an issue with the guy he would should not have married a non hijabi.

 

35 minutes ago, Guest Ali313 said:

you ask your wife to put your kids in Islamic school and she does not  agree what you will do?

This isn't a make or break factor in marriage. A generation back there weren't even any islamic schools and almost everyone living in the west sent their kids to regular schools and gave them religious education at home.

They are her kids too, she should also have a say in their upbringing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Marriage issues needs patience, It takes time for both wife and husband to get in harmony if they were from different culture, If you both love each other and fear Allah and wants to fix these issues it can be done. Sit together every night and talk about whats hurting you and hurting her, Ian sure neither you or wife are happy to see your kids gets raised by different man or mom. Regarding the Hejab and Islamic schools, it is very important to take your time explaining the importance of it. eventually she will change. 

Salat Aliel is your key

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 minutes ago, starlight said:

If Hijab was such an issue with the guy he would should not have married a non hijabi.

This isn't a make or break factor in marriage. A generation back there weren't even any islamic schools and almost everyone living in the west sent their kids to regular schools and gave them religious education at home.

They are her kids too, she should also have a say in their upbringing.

This is correct. You cannot force her to cover, or do anything else. You should have married someone who already covered or would like to cover if that’s what you would like in a wife. Someone who doesn’t cover will likely not think about covering, just as a woman who covers doesn’t think about removing her veil for a man.   Her wanting to cover or practice in a certain way should come from her own desire to be closer to Allah, not from her husband asking her to do so.

I live in the West and most of us Muslim children did not go to Islamic schools. They are expensive and often are not actually good schools. The teachers are not always certified and the children from those schools often have more behavioral problems than those from public schools (I have seen this personally and I know schools that have teachers who are not certified educators). They will also have more difficulty when going to college because of the seclusion and due to being taught by teachers who weren’t certified. 

You don’t need an Islamic school to teach your children the Islamic way of life. You should focus on doing this in your home. There are also various weekend programs that Mosques offer that will help your children. My siblings, my friends and the children from our community learned everything we have from home and from visiting Mosques regularly. 

As starlight mentioned, you cannot ask something of your wife and expect her to simply agree. She has her own values and upbringing that influence how she would like to raise her children. You should sit down together and lay these issues out and brainstorm. Give ideas and suggestions, not orders. Compromise and come up with a plan that pleases both of you. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...