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In the Name of God بسم الله

Using Muslim (Shia) matrimonial website

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(Bismillah)

Salaam Alaykum

I am in a dilemma with using online matrimonial website and I am not sure what to do.

Recently, I was getting to know someone for marriage. I saw her picture but she hadn't had seen mine yet. The conversation went really well and we were hitting it off. After about an hour or two of talking, I showed her my picture and she suddenly changes her mind and says essentially (paraphrasing) that I am an amazing person but attraction is important for her too and she wasn't feeling that and just like that, she ended it.

Earlier in the conversation she was really impressed and "mind blown" with how I converted to Islam, asking me about my ziyarat experience, hawsa and so on. But it seems like none that about me mattered anymore because of the attraction.

Its happened before too. One girl after seeing my full length picture declined (I am not fat or obese, I am a regular at gym and sports), another had similar issues.

I am starting to draw the conclusion that it really does not matter how "amazing" and "mind blowing" someone is, its means zilch, if you don't like their face?

I guess my questions are:

1) How much importance should attraction hold?

2) From now onwards, should I just get a picture swap done straight away to avoid a repeat?

Having said all this, I do agree that there can be a nervousness about speaking to someone who hasn't shown you their picture yet (for whatever reason) and you're slightly worried that what if you just don't feel any chemistry when you do see their picture and how do you break that too them. So from one perspective, I am glad these girls were just honest.

As you can see, I am confused.

What's the moral/right way of going about all this?

 

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Attraction plays a major part in a relationship like this. People may have different opinions on what attracts them but everyone needs to feel physically attracted to their spouse. But I can see why this would upset you. You may feel like there’s something wrong with you because these women reject upon seeing you. This may not be the case. You may just not look how they imagined you to look, or what kind of physical appearance they are attracted to. Don’t feel sorry for yourself about this. I know it seems shallow but you cannot really blame someone for not marrying someone they aren’t attracted to. Also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I have been told many times I’m beautiful by both men and women, but I’ve also been told that I’m not attractive. I may be conventionally good looking (good skin, slim, medium height, even facial features, good shaped eyes, cheekbones, jaw etc) but I may just not be good looking for a lot of people out there. There are celebrities that are considered some of the best looking people in the world but there are others who think they are nothing special. It’s also obvious you look after yourself which plays a big part in your appearance, so I don’t think you have anything to worry about when it comes to how you look. I do think you should probably ask for the picture swap earlier in the conversation with someone. It will save you the pain of rejection later on, especially if you’ve already created a good rapport withthe potential girl. Good luck 

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On 1/5/2019 at 5:27 PM, Nevsevug said:

Attraction plays a major part in a relationship like this. People may have different opinions on what attracts them but everyone needs to feel physically attracted to their spouse. But I can see why this would upset you. You may feel like there’s something wrong with you because these women reject upon seeing you. This may not be the case. You may just not look how they imagined you to look, or what kind of physical appearance they are attracted to. Don’t feel sorry for yourself about this. I know it seems shallow but you cannot really blame someone for not marrying someone they aren’t attracted to. Also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I have been told many times I’m beautiful by both men and women, but I’ve also been told that I’m not attractive. I may be conventionally good looking (good skin, slim, medium height, even facial features, good shaped eyes, cheekbones, jaw etc) but I may just not be good looking for a lot of people out there. There are celebrities that are considered some of the best looking people in the world but there are others who think they are nothing special. It’s also obvious you look after yourself which plays a big part in your appearance, so I don’t think you have anything to worry about when it comes to how you look. I do think you should probably ask for the picture swap earlier in the conversation with someone. It will save you the pain of rejection later on, especially if you’ve already created a good rapport withthe potential girl. Good luck 

Some of the things you mentioned are thoughts that occur in my head too. So I am probably thinking along the right lines. Thank you for the response.

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17 hours ago, ArifHussainRajabali said:

I showed her my picture and she suddenly changes her mind and says essentially (paraphrasing) that I am an amazing person but attraction is important for her too and she wasn't feeling that and just like that, she ended it.

Earlier in the conversation she was really impressed and "mind blown" with how I converted to Islam

Brother i grew up in Europe and have Pakistani roots. I have experienced a lot of racism in the world. With true honesty my opinion is do not take a chance on race in this day and age, just settle with your own kind. 

Edited by Murtaza1
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16 hours ago, learn said:

If you live in the west you can get married with someone in the east no matter how you look how messed up your life is? 

That is not true. In pakistan that is regarded as disrespect and possibly ethnic cleansing. You may be referring to people living in the far east such as Bangkok etc because they are very different and many of their practises such as gender swap transvestite is unislamic and common in those oriental places. 

Edited by Murtaza1
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18 minutes ago, Murtaza1 said:

Brother i grew up in Europe and have Pakistani roots. I have experienced a lot of racism in the world. With true honesty my opinion is do not take a chance on race in this day and age, just settle with your own kind. 

He didn’t say anything about race, and he’s a convert, so “settle with your own kind” might not be a viable option.

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9 hours ago, Qa'im said:

He didn’t say anything about race, and he’s a convert, so “settle with your own kind” might not be a viable option.

Or in my case, there might not be a Muslim community (besides SC)

@Murtaza1 Say nothing at all if you can't or aren't unwilling to understand the OP's situation: Being insular and "settling with your kind" isn't really working out for Muslim communities.

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6 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Or in my case, there might not be a Muslim community (besides SC)

@Murtaza1 Say nothing at all if you can't or aren't unwilling to understand the OP's situation: Being insular and "settling with your kind" isn't really working out for Muslim communities.

 

I find that hard to believe @Gaius I. Caesar

What i say is the reality we live in. Its no use beating a dead bush 

Edited by Murtaza1
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9 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

 Say nothing at all if you can't or aren't unwilling to understand the OP's situation: Being insular and "settling with your kind" isn't really working out for Muslim communities.

He's just reading what he wants to read. The OP said nothing about his race or the race of the women. Even if the OP were white and wanted to marry a non-white girl (an unfounded assumption), that is not the topic, and there is nothing wrong with that. There's an abundance of single women in our community, some of whom can't or won't "settle with their own kind" for various reasons. I agree that race mixing is not always ideal, especially with inflexible cultures, but neither can one expect everyone to fit neatly into one culture whilst living in a small multicultural community away from "home".

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9 minutes ago, Qa'im said:

There's an abundance of single women in our community, some of whom can't or won't "settle with their own kind" for various reasons. 

That is not true of our community. I mean no desrespect to you or anybody else here but people use islam to propagate by making such statements and others follow blindly. Its interesting how people find hadits they use to back up their opinions according to them whenever they like but the reality doesn't change 

Edited by Murtaza1
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To answer your question Arif: rejection for reasons of attraction is valid. If the shoe were on the other foot, I'm sure you would not marry someone you're not attracted to. The Islamic response would be to respectfully disengage with the disinterested person -- no need to ask the Five W's or start a post-mortem investigation. According to online dating studies conducted by OK Cupid and Tinder, women find about 80% of men to be unattractive, 10% to be average, and 10% to be attractive. Men's looks actually matter more than society admits. There are biological reasons for this: men are built to spread their genetic influence, while women are built to make the best and safest choice in a partner.

My recommendation is to upload your picture to your profile -- preferably not a selfie, but a modest full-body picture of you actually doing something. It is better than getting your hopes up in conversation and then being disappointed with the result.

Almost every man on Earth has been rejected for one reason or another, so just keep moving.

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3 hours ago, Qa'im said:

He didn’t say anything about race, and he’s a convert, so “settle with your own kind” might not be a viable option.

Precisely, this is not to do with race or culture. Just the role of attraction in spouse selection. As I was not rejected for race etc.

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On 1/5/2019 at 5:05 PM, ArifHussainRajabali said:

Its happened before too. One girl after seeing my full length picture declined (I am not fat or obese, I am a regular at gym and sports), another had similar issues.

I am starting to draw the conclusion that it really does not matter how "amazing" and "mind blowing" someone is, its means zilch, if you don't like their face?

 

6 hours ago, ArifHussainRajabali said:

Precisely, this is not to do with race or culture. Just the role of attraction in spouse selection. As I was not rejected for race etc.

Brother how can you be so sure? I ask because you said she had not seen your photo until you showed it to her and she rejected you 

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2 hours ago, Qa'im said:

To answer your question Arif: rejection for reasons of attraction is valid. If the shoe were on the other foot, I'm sure you would not marry someone you're not attracted to. The Islamic response would be to respectfully disengage with the disinterested person -- no need to ask the Five W's or start a post-mortem investigation. According to online dating studies conducted by OK Cupid and Tinder, women find about 80% of men to be unattractive, 10% to be average, and 10% to be attractive. Men's looks actually matter more than society admits. There are biological reasons for this: men are built to spread their genetic influence, while women are built to make the best and safest choice in a partner.

My recommendation is to upload your picture to your profile -- preferably not a selfie, but a modest full-body picture of you actually doing something. It is better than getting your hopes up in conversation and then being disappointed with the result.

Almost every man on Earth has been rejected for one reason or another, so just keep moving.

Great response. You will find the person that is meant for you inshallah, Arif. You shouldnt be upset or discouraged. Prayers for your success in your mission of establishing half your faith. 

Salam

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4 hours ago, Murtaza1 said:

That is not true of our community. I mean no desrespect to you or anybody else here but people use islam to propagate by making such statements and others follow blindly. Its interesting how people find hadits they use to back up their opinions according to them whenever they like but the reality doesn't change 

You yourself are bringing in irrelevant opinions into this. It would be better for you to say nothing than continue with things that have nothing to do with what the op posted. You don’t know all Shia communities around the world and what brother Qaim has said is true of many of them. You can’t use your own single experience to make assumptions about others and that too in a hostile manner. 

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1 hour ago, Nevsevug said:

You yourself are bringing in irrelevant opinions into this. It would be better for you to say nothing than continue with things that have nothing to do with what the op posted. You don’t know all Shia communities around the world and what brother Qaim has said is true of many of them. You can’t use your own single experience to make assumptions about others and that too in a hostile manner. 

We are not making any hostile assumptions. This is the reality we live in its the truth. In our community its frowned upon but I don't care about other communities. we all know that racism exists all around the world so why pretend its all okay just because a couple of individuals decided to get together it doesn't represent the general opinion. Its misleading people. These things take centuries to come to fruition but ethnic cleansing is not Islamic.

Edited by Murtaza1
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1 minute ago, Murtaza1 said:

We are not making any hostile assumptions. This is the reality we live in its the truth. In our community its frowned upon but I don't care about other communities. we all know that racism exists all around the world so why pretend its all okay just because a couple of individuals decided to get together it doesn't represent the general opinion. Its misleading me. These things take centuries to come to fruition but ethnic cleansing is not Islamic.

Beloved, we have to address the scenario presented to us. The OP said it has nothing to do with race, and that the girl said she found him unattractive. Most of these dating profiles have race filters. She would have presumably seen his race before chatting to him. The OP says she lost interest after seeing his picture. Had race been a primary factor, she would not have messaged him or matched with him in the first place. So my advice to you is to stop derailing the subject before you get a warning.

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43 minutes ago, Qa'im said:

Beloved, we have to address the scenario presented to us. The OP said it has nothing to do with race, and that the girl said she found him unattractive. Most of these dating profiles have race filters. She would have presumably seen his race before chatting to him. The OP says she lost interest after seeing his picture. Had race been a primary factor, she would not have messaged him or matched with him in the first place. So my advice to you is to stop derailing the subject before you get a warning.

yes I understand what you are saying. What I am trying to say is people should be aware that racism does exist. Do not be completely unaware that it does not exist. I date girls and I use matrimonial sites such as Muzmatch. I do not hide my photos. I connect and chat to girls every day. I chat to girls from all races but I do not forget that racism does exist out there. 

Edited by Murtaza1
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