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In the Name of God بسم الله
Mahdiyya

Husband doesn't take marriage seriously

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Do not listen to people who have no idea what you’re going through and are telling you to work it out or ask a sheikh for an istikhara. She HAS tried to work it out. How does it make sense to ask for an istikhara when a person has shown you time and again they aren’t worth it? Please leave this guy once and for all, for your own good. This cycle won’t stop and he’s likely emotionally manipulative and abusive. There is really no reason for even thinking about taking him back when he repeatedly lets you down. DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. Block him from contacting you in any way. Make it clear to your family that you won’t be with him for these reasons. They should be able to see how he treats you and how it’s affecting you. Do not take this guy back. Focus on bettering yourself.

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Your friend should also use this as a lesson on maturity and not making decisions based on only her or only few closed ones’ opinions, that is, a reflection on how did she get in this mess to begin with? 

Time and again, it proves to me how wrong the ‘youth falling in love’ notion is, when they bypass parents’ suggestions. 

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2 hours ago, Muhammed Ali said:

A long distance does not automatically make someone a horrible person. It can't be used as any sort of justification.

Why is everyone jumping to conclusion with one side of the story???

Human psyche is to side with the first person who complains.Things may not always be black'n'white.

 

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@Mahdiyya

shes young, her fear is understandable especially since she is inexperienced and naive

but it’s established that this man has posed as an obstacle between her and Allah. Viewing it from that angle it becomes clear what must be done.

removal of said obstacle.

Maybe a reward will be in order? Who knows? Only Allah sustains and is merciful 

And anyways, Women are not here to make men out of boys. That’s something for this child to do himself. Likewise marriage will not make boys into men who are not self obsessed and care for others. It’s not a magic spell despite how much brown people think it is lol XD

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His behavior has nothing to do with long distance relationship. I was told the same thing that all problems were due to long distance, infact this excuse was used by my ex-husband. But he became even more abusive when we started living together. I don't understand why would a woman get punished for getting a divorce when divorce is halal. 

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5 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

His behavior has nothing to do with long distance relationship. I was told the same thing that all problems were due to long distance, infact this excuse was used by my ex-husband. But he became even more abusive when we started living together. I don't understand why would a woman get punished for getting a divorce when divorce is halal. 

We must quit thinking that a woman has to be a mans stress ball or punching bag in order for him to mature or be a man. But it seems such is an excuse for many women in such relationships 

at someone’s else expense someone will mature? How awful

the parents fail now the stranger(the wife) has to fix things. It’s a bad mix especially since some women make their whole lif out of ‘trying to fix him’. Then the abuse and the cycle continues 

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17 minutes ago, Ralvi said:

@Mahdiyya

shes young, her fear is understandable especially since she is inexperienced and naive

but it’s established that this man has posed as an obstacle between her and Allah. Viewing it from that angle it becomes clear what must be done.

removal of said obstacle.

Maybe a reward will be in order? Who knows? Only Allah sustains and is merciful 

And anyways, Women are not here to make men out of boys. That’s something for this child to do himself. Likewise marriage will not make boys into men who are not self obsessed and care for others. It’s not a magic spell despite how much brown people think it is lol XD

God bless you for being so clear sighted! 

Sometimes the weird (or quite frankly retarded) thought patterns that are pervasive within certain cultures in the shia community are themselves the root causes to people being destroyed in abusive marriages. 

Females are taught to accept abusive disrespectful males as husbands. To have "sabr". These men are not going to change. And those poor girls are expected to make up for the faults of these abusive males.

Girls need to be taught to value themselves and to never ever accept an abusive or disrespectful husband. And when these abusive men see that no female wants to marry them and that only the good guys are getting accepted - then they may find motivation to change for the better coz they will be losing out if they don't. That is how a community creates change and not by sacrificing poor innocent girls. By the way this is partially the girl's fault as well coz she accepted a man with characteristics that go against Islamic recommendations. If he has bad deen or akhlaaq she should say no immediately. 

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4 hours ago, Carlzone said:

God bless you for being so clear sighted! 

Sometimes the weird (or quite frankly retarded) thought patterns that are pervasive within certain cultures in the shia community are themselves the root causes to people being destroyed in abusive marriages. 

Females are taught to accept abusive disrespectful males as husbands. To have "sabr". These men are not going to change. And those poor girls are expected to make up for the faults of these abusive males.

Girls need to be taught to value themselves and to never ever accept an abusive or disrespectful husband. And when these abusive men see that no female wants to marry them and that only the good guys are getting accepted - then they may find motivation to change for the better coz they will be losing out if they don't. That is how a community creates change and not by sacrificing poor innocent girls. By the way this is partially the girl's fault as well coz she accepted a man with characteristics that go against Islamic recommendations. If he has bad deen or akhlaaq she should say no immediately. 

I tell you my mother was an anomoly. But eventually it even got to her :(

life can really do a number on some souls 

man you’re pretty much right on about everything. That’s why Iam so anxious for my little sisters. They’re naive and who knows what- they will fall in ‘love’ with and choose the tv romance rather the realistic one that requires family consideration and objectivity. 

Girls mature earlier true. But they are very naive and are very susceptible to peer pressure especially from the ones they care about or hang around. Women have great power but many don’t realize it without someone being a guardian over them or atleast they either overcompensate(and hurt others) or have  low self esteem(and also hurt others lol) That’s why careful consideration and instilling of self respect and love of Muhammed and ahl Muhammed is tantamount to young girls and the world too. If we don’t teach our girls well then how can you expect the future to learn or for the boys to learn? Motherhood is easily the most important job and if we have made our women to be debilitated self hating creatures then what?! Their children will easily be manipulated and turned into pawns

ok ok I could go on forever about this lol

A women is easily a double edged sword :-)

a man can wield that power for benefit or it can turn on him haha

a man is easily a very manipulated creature too, so he has to be careful of those female who are beasts in sheeps clothing lol but he’s got to be a man before committing to a relationship with another human for the sake of Allah

Edited by Ralvi

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She thanks you all for your answers. Right now she is really confused about what is right or wrong. 

She's currently living at home with her parents in a tiny village where he has no perspectives (no work). She got a request for a great job in the city her husband lives.
But this problems with her husband make her parents say "if you get a divorce you have to stay with us and we won't allow you to move in that city. Or you stay with him and can go."

And as I said before, the husband CAN'T support her financially at all. She would stay with him but pay everything for her own, while not even being sure if he'll treat her right after he hurt her so many times.

She is just totally frustrated. She could have a great work and professional perspectives but would HAVE to stay with him. Or she would divorce someone who did her wrong so many times, but would stay with her parents in a small village where she can't even find a good job. 

Maybe some of you'd say: Leave him and move to that city all alone and find your own happiness and peace. .. but her parents don't want her to do so. Saying that a divorced young women shouldn't live all alone in a big city.

.. I feel so sorry for her. :(

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There is nothing more important than peace of mind. She won't be able to have a successful career while dealing with abuse. Even if she earns money, all her money will go to her husband. The condition by her parents already suggests that they are on her husband's side. This is another tactic used by abusers, they isolate their victims. If she moves to another city, it's still scary because her husband is not the only toxic person in the city. She could meet a toxic roommate who could treat her exactly like her husband. I will say if she doesn't have any big problems in her parents' house, she should look for ways to earn money in her own village. She can increase her education. Which country does she live in? She can do something about her career later but marriage is really a trap. It's so so difficult to get out of this trap. It's very difficult to get a divorce, the universe really works against you when you try to get a divorce but in the end, your freedom and peace of mind is the reward you get. A great job is not the right price for ruining your life with an abuser. 

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On 1/3/2019 at 10:02 PM, Mahdiyya said:

Me and him know each other for 1,5 years and already went through a lot. He made a lot of mistakes like lying to me, chatting with other girls, never calling me back or ignoring me for days. We were fighting a lot. He lives about 6 hours away from me. in April he told me that he doesn't want me anymore. Telling me that it's my fault for not trusting him.. 

It takes 2 people to make a marriage work. TRUST more than anything can make or break a marriages. If your friend was constantly nagging him about "why are you talking to this girl or that girl" then I wouldn't blame him for not calling or being turned off...provided he was not cheating on her of course.

Unlike everyone else, I am simply NOT going to deem her a saint and him an embodiment of evil.

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32 minutes ago, ShiaMan14 said:

It takes 2 people to make a marriage work. TRUST more than anything can make or break a marriages. If your friend was constantly nagging him about "why are you talking to this girl or that girl" then I wouldn't blame him for not calling or being turned off...provided he was not cheating on her of course.

Unlike everyone else, I am simply NOT going to deem her a saint and him an embodiment of evil.

You are right about it being wrong to judge before hearing both parties. Counsellors are taught to never make this mistake. 

However, sometimes, just by hearing certain parts of a story one can tell if it's wise to continue or not. In this case it's very clear, as her deen is weakening when she's with this guy. 

Our souls are the most valuable thing we have. No one on this planet is worth losing our soul for. 

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You and your husband need counseling rather than taking advice from people you don't know online. Besides during counseling it might show up that there are things about you that you're doing wrong, rather than people only seeing your side of the story.

Its marriage you're talking about here, asking people online also means you might not know how serious marriage is.

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6 hours ago, Mahdiyya said:

She thanks you all for your answers. Right now she is really confused about what is right or wrong. 

She's currently living at home with her parents in a tiny village where he has no perspectives (no work). She got a request for a great job in the city her husband lives.
But this problems with her husband make her parents say "if you get a divorce you have to stay with us and we won't allow you to move in that city. Or you stay with him and can go."

And as I said before, the husband CAN'T support her financially at all. She would stay with him but pay everything for her own, while not even being sure if he'll treat her right after he hurt her so many times.

She is just totally frustrated. She could have a great work and professional perspectives but would HAVE to stay with him. Or she would divorce someone who did her wrong so many times, but would stay with her parents in a small village where she can't even find a good job. 

Maybe some of you'd say: Leave him and move to that city all alone and find your own happiness and peace. .. but her parents don't want her to do so. Saying that a divorced young women shouldn't live all alone in a big city.

.. I feel so sorry for her. :(

The parents are in the wrong here. Men are supposed to be the providers in a marriage. She is being a husband and wife at the same time, did she agree to adopt this man child? 

Why are her parents being unreasonable here and supporting the boy rather then their daughter? Are they Muslims? Is she a revert? 

I feel so frustrated and sorry for her  

cant they move near her? The parents are being stubborn for no apparent reason

or will they wait until he has knocked her up and he has siphoned all the funds? There is no reason to believe he will not be a deadbeat. And after he has completely ruined her? And what if he leaves after that? It’s not impossible i have seen it happen. Can we remember a Nikah is a contract with stipulations for both to be met. She shouldn’t have to tolerate this. This is the rest of her life! Not a small matter in the least. 

Sorry I sound mad it’s cause I’m mad for this young lady. I’ve got siblings and I would be just as mad if this happened with one of mine. 

Is she an only child? 

Edited by Ralvi

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Please stay single for ever I can understand your mother might desire for you to have a child one day and seing sadness in her face and eyes might change your decision but marriage is not for everyone. 

Edited by learn

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1 hour ago, Ralvi said:

Are they Muslims? Is she a revert? 

Yes they are muslims. But her father is not strictly religious..

 

1 hour ago, Ralvi said:

Is she an only child? 

No she has an older sister. But her sister isn't married yet and has a totally different lifestyle. 

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3 hours ago, ShiaMan14 said:

It takes 2 people to make a marriage work. TRUST more than anything can make or break a marriages. If your friend was constantly nagging him about "why are you talking to this girl or that girl" then I wouldn't blame him for not calling or being turned off...provided he was not cheating on her of course.

Unlike everyone else, I am simply NOT going to deem her a saint and him an embodiment of evil.

Yes, but trusting isn't easy if your husband gives you no reasons to trust him, but many many reasons to mistrust him..

She wasn't nagging . He ignored her for no reason, causing more and more doubt.

And no one said that she's a saint and he an embodiment of evil. I'm just telling you what's happening. And you can believe that her version is the truth. She is just trying to get help and advice. It won't help her to tell us things that aren't true - that would lead to wrong advices.

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1 hour ago, Mahdiyya said:

Yes they are muslims. But her father is not strictly religious..

 

No she has an older sister. But her sister isn't married yet and has a totally different lifestyle. 

Seems to me everybody is acting out of their own interests rather than what’s best for everybody...

i tell you stubbornness in parents is the worst disease lol 

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For people who understand Urdu. We hear a lot about Narcissists and toxic people and how dangerous they are. If it was easier to get divorce, I would tell this sister to give her husband a chance. But I have seen how difficult divorce has been made. Once she starts living with that guy, and if she has kids, she will be stuck forever. Therefore, she should run away if she sees any red flags. He has made her iman weak now, what if she ends up commiting suicide after marriage? Will the culture save her in her grave? 

Edited by rkazmi33

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