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Miss Wonderful

I think my mother is actively dying...

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I am not sure how to feel... I remember coming on to this website first in 2011/2012 under a different account and I would always rant about my poisonous father who hurt my mother and his own children so terribly. I lived through so much fear, anxiety, and post trauma all up until his death. And when he finally died in sp 2018 I made sure that huge cement slab was placed on top of his grave. That is how much hatred he racked up in me. I though his death would finally bring relief to our family.

But shortly after his death my mother became so ill because she neglected herself. I don’t know what weird, and twisted attachement she had to my father who treated her like dirt. But her health deteriorated dramatically. She became stubborn, she wouldn’t eat well, she did not take precautions out in bad weather or take necessary vitamins. She got a lung infection and my brother and I nursed her back to health. But then she couldn’t sleep well due to age and stress. She is honestly not that old. But her stubbornness from past lead to so many things. It feel like everyday she has a new symptom and she refuses doctor visits and gets agitated and defense . Her ways are stressing my brother and I out .

It kills me seeing her like this. I’m beginning to take huge amounts of overtime at work  this holiday season because it’s just so stressful to come at home.  When I do overtime I make sure that someone will be with her at all times. Otherwise I even changed my work schedule to be more with her. I bought her so many meds that I researched are safe and she doesn’t wanna try them. She  is stuck on her own ways. I really fell into a deep depression and became careless about my own life.

I dunno what to do anymore. I even think I’m becoming numb to her sickness because the worry and pain took so much toll on me and she continue to be stubborn.  One of my biggest fears in life was the inevitable of one day gonna lose her and now I’m feeling numb to this fear. I dont understand. I feel like my parents were selfish. They never let my brother and I plan our own lives. I want my mom to be there for my wedding but i doubt she will live to make it. It’s like they didn’t give a crap about our lives. It’s like my father only cared about himself . And my mother dragged us through years of misery by her never divorcing him. My brother had to the mortgage looming over his head directly after high school since my father had poor money skills. Wallah I don’t understand. It’s like we never get a break. For the longest time I had to watch my father continuously abuse my mother and now that he’s dead she is still suffering even worse than before. I feel like all the past stresses she endured with him have taken a physical toll on her. So even after his death he’s still managed to haunt us. I feel like my father was always a narcissistic abuser and my mother the spineless victim case . She would take out her anger from him especially on me. There are many ways their marriage impacted my brother and I life very negatively. I’m doing everything I can to help my mother . In summer we took her to doctored and hospitals and now says her wishes are to die at home Naturally . So basically she hired me and my brother as google doctors and even then still chooses whatever to do from her mind. 

You literally don’t know how unbelievable This stress is.  I needed to vent . Wallah I’m doing my best I don’t know what else to . Literally I only have Allah and Ahl Bayt as my source of strength and comfort now.

 

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I know no one here could write a piece that could ease your pain but we can all pray and ask you to be "Patient".

The case you are describing looks like almost lost as she has given up on her. And you two are struggling so hard for your own lives as well. Just be with her and make sure you don't make her feel alone. InshaAllah you both will be rewarded. 

God puts severe tests for those whom He loves the most. 

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5 minutes ago, Waseem162 said:

I know no one here could write a piece that could ease your pain but we can all pray and ask you to be "Patient".

The case you are describing looks like almost lost as she has given up on her. And you two are struggling so hard for your own lives as well. Just be with her and make sure you don't make her feel alone. InshaAllah you both will be rewarded. 

God puts severe tests for those whom He loves the most. 

Thnx man

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My sister this sounds like a dire situation. I pray your mother takes your advice and seek a healthy lifestyle. I just don’t know...do you guys actively pray at home together, recite Quran together etc etc? Something akin to moving on from your fathers control? Is there a religious bubble at home? Maybe if that grows that light will help you and mother and brother? Even just playing lectures everyday on YouTube in the background can help. Humans tend to latch onto habits and don’t like change. This is especially true for old folk, it’s scary and it’s their dependency. Being deprived of it may lead to withdrawal symptoms like your mothers with her increased stress. Your father created an environment where the word of your mother, your brother and yourself have become meaningless. It will take even more effort now to bring things to normalcy. To bring power and change with your words. She’s your mother and of course she loves you. She’s just overwhelmed and requires the patience like you would of a child. That’s the challenge with family once they’re old. I pray for your success. Maybe save up and go to arbaeen together with mother and brother? This experience should help to bring everyone closer? Surely the love of Muhammed and ahl muhammed lis something that can unite us all?

Ask Allah for Sabr and Iam sure your sincere heart will reap benefits 

again I pray for your situation to get better. It is heartbreaking 

and yeah like the brother said above make sure she doesn’t feel lonely. Although she’s your mother she’s also a human just like you. So being nice and kind and patient is something that can surely break the wall she has created. I can’t imagine how painful it can be for a mother (after a loss even if it was a terrible human) to also not have her sons by her. Maybe that fear is also getting to her. Who knows? Only she really knows. So please be patient brother

 

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Salam aleykom dear sister,

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I know this might not be of any comfort, but I know many people in similar circumstances. People who have a narcissistic father and a codependent mother (who often exhibits many narcissistic traits as well) who are selfish and only think about themselves and hurt their kids immensely if not destroy them completely.  

Your parents failed their roles as parents. And God will hold them accountable. They are supposed to help and support you and be a source of guidance, and not the opposite. Unfortunately this one of your tests in life. You have to accept that you'll never have "normal" parents and find other sources of support, love and peace in your life. 

Also, accept that your mom is responsible for her own life. If she insists on killing herself, then that is her choice. Do your best to talk sense into her, ask others (outsiders) to help, pray to Allah SWT and talk to Ahlul bayt a.s. If that still doesn't help - accept that and leave everything with Allah SWT. We have no control in this donya. God is in charge.

When it comes to you, I believe you need to grieve properly. Do whatever you need to do to process this lifetime of abuse. Cry, talk to others, reflect. And find yourself, your worth, your peace and your happiness again.

Many times you can find positive aspects of having survived the abuse - for instance that you started reflecting more on human nature and seeing reality/people as it/they is/are. That you also developed strengths like patience etc.

Again, you are not alone sis, even if you might feel that way. There are so many people in similar circumstances. I know many myself and mashaAllah these people develop big strengths and wisdom and kind hearts.

May Allah SWT bring much joy, happiness and support into your life, that you forget the bitterness of the pain! You deserve to experience the lovely sides of life as well! You have seen the darkness. May it be time for the yusr ba3d al 3usr now! Take good care of yourself! ♡♡♡

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Prayers for you, your mother, and your brother. 

For all the years that your father was there, she had only to survive, not to look ahead, not to take responsibility for her own actions. No doubt she suffers many regrets and has forgotten how to see a better future. 

Can you convince her to talk with a counselor or psychiatrist? It is not unlikely that you all suffer PTSD. If nothing else, facing her past and being able to move forward would help. 

As for you, just decide to love her unconditionally, and try not to let her negative behaviors bring you down. If you need to for your own mental health, get away from there for a while. Hire a home care nurse if you need a break. 

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salam sister,

i am so sorry , i honestly cannot imagine how difficult and painful it must be, since this is your mother. Sometimes I think I am selfish when I complain about some things, then i hear other people going through worse. 

May Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى make it easy for you and I don't know what else to say but just stay hopeful. Even though your mother's health is deteriorating, just stay hopeful , for Allah has promised twice with every difficulty there comes ease. 

Do whatever you can to please her and make her happy,

fee amanilah and i pray for nothing but ease to enter your life and your family

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Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum Sister MW

Insh'Allah you are well and in good health.  God keep you patient and steadfast during this trial sister. What you are going through right now is obviously very stressful and tiring, but with difficulty comes ease, surely with difficulty comes ease.(94:5)

Do istighatha for Sayyida Fatymah az Zahra 3laha salam.   

Your mother is living through the past, she needs you now more than ever.   Look at her with eyes of compassion and warmth.  I think mothers understand when they see themselves as a burden and overwhelming.   Talk to her about your day, tell her what you are facing at work, and seek her advice.  Just so she can think.  Even if nothing is going on, ask her point of view in a variety of topics.  Mothers think once they are done being the caregivers that they are no longer useful.  Speak with her as a friend, tell her how you look forward to see her as a grandmother for your children so she can teach you and she will be there for you.   Make her feel appreciated and wanted.

God bless you sister, Insh'Allah you got this.   One day at a time, things will get better.   Read to her du32 tonight, du32 tawsoul.  

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

 

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My best wishes and prayers are with you @Miss Wonderful

All I can tell you is not to look at the past, it won't do any favour to you nor it will solve anything. Do what is in your hand to help your mother, but don't let this become a source of toxicity in your life, because if she chooses not to look after herself, and you keep your mind occupied with her, in the end you will explode and develop more and more anxiety. Don't let that happen, take some distance, and help her from that position.

Also, happy new year :P

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Salam aleykom again sis, 

I just remembered one thing that I tried that made a stubborn person who hadn't seeked help for about a decade finally do it and even do it voluntarily and completely change for the better within a couple of months. 

I don't know if you live with your mom, but if you do...play the Quran on repeat 24/7 in your home, and especially in her room. 

Also put vinegar and water in a bottle. Write aya 2:243 on a paper and put the paper in the bottle. Spray it in all rooms and in all corners of all the rooms. When you're in her room, spray this water on some of her stuff. Also read all 4 "Qul"-surahs + ayas 23:97-98 and ayat al kursi in all rooms. 

If she opposes, do it when she's not aware or around. If she doesn't want the Quran playing, play it on low volume 24/7 in your room, but don't turn it off! And just watch what will happen within a couple of months InshaAllah. The Quran is medicine. I have witnessed its unbelievable effects. And even those who were sceptical of my plans were convinced when they saw the results. 

And even the person I did this on was convinced afterwards when I said what I had done. 

InshaAllah you will get even more impressive results! 

Edited by Carlzone

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1 hour ago, Carlzone said:

Salam aleykom again sis, 

I just remembered one thing that I tried that made a stubborn person who hadn't seeked help for about a decade finally do it and even do it voluntarily and completely change for the better within a couple of months. 

I don't know if you live with your mom, but if you do...play the Quran on repeat 24/7 in your home, and especially in her room. 

Also put vinegar and water in a bottle. Write aya 2:243 on a paper and put the paper in the bottle. Spray it in all rooms and in all corners of all the rooms. When you're in her room, spray this water on some of her stuff. Also read all 4 "Qul"-surahs + ayas 23:97-98 and ayat al kursi in all rooms. 

If she opposes, do it when she's not aware or around. If she doesn't want the Quran playing, play it on low volume 24/7 in your room, but don't turn it off! And just watch what will happen within a couple of months InshaAllah. The Quran is medicine. I have witnessed its unbelievable effects. And even those who were sceptical of my plans were convinced when they saw the results. 

And even the person I did this on was convinced afterwards when I said what I had done. 

InshaAllah you will get even more impressive results! 

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum

I believe this 100%.  Sister, ayatul kursi ending with hum feeha khaleedoun?

أَلَمْ تَرَ إِلَى الَّذِينَ خَرَجُوا مِن دِيَارِهِمْ وَهُمْ أُلُوفٌ حَذَرَ الْمَوْتِ فَقَالَ لَهُمُ اللَّهُ مُوتُوا ثُمَّ أَحْيَاهُمْ إِنَّ اللَّهَ لَذُو فَضْلٍ عَلَى النَّاسِ وَلَٰكِنَّ أَكْثَرَ النَّاسِ لَا يَشْكُرُونَ zoom

Have you not considered those who went forth from their homes, for fear of death, and they were thousands, then Allah said to them, Die; again He gave them life; most surely Allah is Gracious to people, but most people are not grateful.

 

Image result for Quran arabic 23:97-98

 

 

 

Image result for ayatul kursi arabic

Image result for ayatul kursi arabic 256

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1 hour ago, Laayla said:

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum

I believe this 100%.  Sister, ayatul kursi ending with hum feeha khaleedoun?

أَلَمْ تَرَ إِلَى الَّذِينَ خَرَجُوا مِن دِيَارِهِمْ وَهُمْ أُلُوفٌ حَذَرَ الْمَوْتِ فَقَالَ لَهُمُ اللَّهُ مُوتُوا ثُمَّ أَحْيَاهُمْ إِنَّ اللَّهَ لَذُو فَضْلٍ عَلَى النَّاسِ وَلَٰكِنَّ أَكْثَرَ النَّاسِ لَا يَشْكُرُونَ zoom

Have you not considered those who went forth from their homes, for fear of death, and they were thousands, then Allah said to them, Die; again He gave them life; most surely Allah is Gracious to people, but most people are not grateful.

 

Image result for Quran arabic 23:97-98

 

 

 

Image result for ayatul kursi arabic

Image result for ayatul kursi arabic 256

Wa aleykom alsalam sister,

Yes, all the way to hum feeha khaalidoon. 

If I would describe the severe case here and the miraculous change that happened after I did this people would not believe me. More than a decade of frustration was resolved just by doing this. 

SubhanAllah, Allah SWT is Kareem. Alhamdulillah weshokorr. 

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