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ali_fatheroforphans

Intellectual spouse?

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Salam,

I know some people who are obsessed with having an intellectual spouse, like it's a serious criteria. I know some people naturally aren't that smart and don't like perusing difficult careers. Just to give an example, imagine if a woman/man chooses to get a degree in fashion design whereas someone else chooses to get a degree in medicine. According to a lot of people, the doctor is preferred not only because of the job salary,  but also because they are considered to be smart and intellectual in a way.

I personally value people with good hearts, I don't care about having a super genuis spouse who can derive all equations in maths etc. Also intelligence is gifted by God, not everyone has it.

What do you guys think?

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans

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8 minutes ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Also intelligence is gifted by God, not everyone has it.

As I understand wisdom is gifted by God, which is the ability to fully utilize your intelligence in order to really process the information around you and understand reality.

Intellect however is something that one can achieve from striving for it as far as I know. Theres also different types of intelligence.

For example, a highly achieving scientist who does not believe in the existence of a source beyond space which can create space, a source for the mass of energy in universe beyond time, infinitive, which would be Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى, is still considered intelligent but not wise in my opinion.

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Ws,

Lol another marriage related thread huh, iA your wait is over soon :grin:.

So, I feel that a lot of us may have differing definitions of “being intellectual”. I don’t think one has to always be interested in fancy fields of knowledge such as philosophy or what not to be considered an intelligent, wise, and smart person.

If a girl is into fashion design I personally would be fine with her as long as she meets my other criteria for a great spouse.

I don’t see why she still can’t be an intelligent and wise person if she chooses to busy herself in this field. As long a girl is decently or greater than decently smart, intelligent, wise, and confident at whatever she does or in whatever field she’s in, and she’s also smart, intelligent, wise, and confident when it comes to life in general, I think I’d be content with her (as long as she meets my other criteria, which I can probably write a big essay for to describe Lol). 

 

Edited by AStruggler

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Sometimes the worst of people are the so-called “intellectuals”.

I’ve seen many smart, intelligent people who are the most amoral, nihilistic, unpleasant, boring, pompous, and/or empty morons there are. But hey, they can memorize a bunch of junk for a test, so society says they have value.

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12 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Just to give an example, imagine if a woman/man chooses to get a degree in fashion design whereas someone else chooses to get a degree in medicine. According to a lot of people, the doctor is preferred not only because of the job salary,  but also because they are considered to be smart and intellectual in a way.

It is not necessary that someone pursuing medicine is smarter and intelligent than someone doing fashion design. 

Edited by Heavenly_Silk
Edited for member.

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13 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

imagine if a woman/man chooses to get a degree in fashion design whereas someone else chooses to get a degree in medicine

You seem to equate fashion degree with a lack of intellect and medicine with the presence of one. Medicine has clearly established benchmarks for achievement, but in fashion, they are less well defined (IMHO).

As a result, I'd argue that you may have a broader spread of intellect levels in fashion, with there easily being the possibility that the spread goes down to lower levels than would be the case with medicine.

Nevertheless, you could have a designer who has intellect, precision, flair, creativity and passion. The latter 3 being lending themselves less to formal examination.

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I think when people say they want an intellectual spouse, they mean they want someone whom is on the same wavelength as them, mentally and emotionally. Someone who understands you and can carry a conversation. You’d be surprised how brain-dead people can be.

Me: I read Lolita, and I loved how poetic and deep the prose was. Nowadays, novels are centered around entertainment and trying to sell nothing but “filler” books. 

Others: Um, what are books? Can you bring me a cup of tea? You read too much. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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I think it's the debate between booksmart or streetsmart, which kind of people are better. Sometimes I feel like there's a campaign going on against booksmart people. I keep reading messages on my facebook feed that good grades don't show intelligence. I also heard somewhere that generally people who do good in school fail in their relationships with people. I agree that street smart people are better at dealing with in-laws and if you have such spouse, he/she can make you successful. But remember that a person who is good at manipulating other people can also manipulate you. I think people should focus more on morals and God fearing qualities of a spouse. From my personal experience, people who get good grades follow ethical and moral rules more when they enter practical life. Getting good grades may be a sign of responsible attitude and respect for laws/ rules, which are good qualities. I don't like people who take shortcuts and cheat. 

I don't understand why people focus so much on the ability to keep conversation going. You will spend 30 or 40 years with a person, if you have long conversations, you will get sick of that person in 5 or 10 years. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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Being intelligent and having a good heart are not mutually exclusive. Many intelligent people also have good hearts. 

On 12/27/2018 at 8:23 PM, Islandsandmirrors said:

I think when people say they want an intellectual spouse, they mean they want someone whom is on the same wavelength as them, mentally and emotionally. Someone who understands you and can carry a conversation. You’d be surprised how brain-dead people can be.

This is a good point. I may be intellectual to some people because we have the same likes and I am knowledgeable about those things. Others may think I am not very intelligent because I don’t have knowledge about the same things as them. There are many different kinds of intelligence. 

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I want a spouse I can hold a decent conversation with, wth are you supposed to talk about if you’re not at the same wavelength intellectually? I loathe small talk and I don’t see why I should want to spend the rest of my life with someone who I have to do that with everyday.

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I find it quite ironic that everyone on this thread wants "talk", try listening guys.

I have been married a long time. Sometimes my wife can talk for almost an hour telling me about her day and I just listen or throw a few words here and there.

So try to find a spouse that you can listen to as much as talk to.

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Well, many unconfident ignorant men don't want an intellectual wife because its threatens their masculinity. Many want a wife who would look at her husband as a supreme leader rather than a partner.

Alas, we end up with young broken kids because their mom couldnt teach them any better because she wasn't intellectual and educated.

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On 12/27/2018 at 10:58 AM, Ali-F said:

Thanks for this important topic. I agree that a woman with a heart is more superior than an intellectual wife. 

Salaam,

Better yet, a woman with both. 

There is a story I read once about a brilliant scientist who was not good looking who was approached by a woman of extreme beauty but very low intelligence to marry her. She told him, you are so brilliant, and I am so beautiful, just think how amazing our children will be. Your brains and my looks. He politely rejected the proposal by saying, "That would be ideal. But what if the children got my looks and your brains, what then?"

I don't think it is wrong for a man or woman to want a spouse who is intelligent and wise (or capable of gaining wisdom over time). This is the person you will be spending the rest of your life with most likely, and the other parent to your potential children. Seeking a good gene pool is not being picky, if it is within one's ability to get. However, the measures of intelligence are what can be biased. Good performance in school is one measure of intelligence, but not the only one. Sometimes a person who is of average school wise intelligence, but very street smart and adaptable is of more value as a spouse.

At the same time, it is a matter of preference. Some prefer a "dumb" spouse they can direct any which way.. although I do think particularly for women, getting a not intelligent spouse can cause significant problems in the future of the relationship. A man may be better placed to handle an empty head who keeps him happy in other ways, than a woman who has to tolerate an empty head. Just my thoughts. 

 

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On 1/5/2019 at 10:00 PM, BowTie said:

las, we end up with young broken kids because their mom couldnt teach them any better because she wasn't intellectual and educated.

Being an uneducated woman does not mean you raise broken kids. That's just as bad as the ideology of a narcissistic man who wants a wife to view him as her superior rather than her partner, as you so eloquently put it. 

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1 minute ago, 2Timeless said:

Being an uneducated woman does not mean you raise broken kids. That's just as bad as the ideology of a narcissistic man who wants a wife to view him as her superior rather than her partner, as you so eloquently put it. 

In the old days, it didnt matter much. During our parents generations being educated or not there was no difference.

 But nowadays, education is important. Not only for intellect, but social skills, common sense, etc..

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7 minutes ago, BowTie said:

In the old days, it didnt matter much. During our parents generations being educated or not there was no difference.

 But nowadays, education is important. Not only for intellect, but social skills, common sense, etc..

I completely disagree. Common sense isn't learnt from a textbook, it's learnt through a variation of life experiences, that you can't experience through a textbook. Women have a maternal instinct, and if it is not impaired, they will not raise "broken children". Yes, having an education will help in making certain decisions for one's children, but it won't jeopardise their life in most scenarios. 

Firstly, there is no social skill manual, it's all to do with your psychology. Secondly, there is no parenting manual. So, a lack of education will not raise broken children. 

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8 minutes ago, 2Timeless said:

I completely disagree. Common sense isn't learnt from a textbook, it's learnt through a variation of life experiences, that you can't experience through a textbook. Women have a maternal instinct, and if it is not impaired, they will not raise "broken children". Yes, having an education will help in making certain decisions for one's children, but it won't jeopardise their life in most scenarios. 

Firstly, there is no social skill manual, it's all to do with your psychology. Secondly, there is no parenting manual. So, a lack of education will not raise broken children. 

Education goes on in school - and school teaches you social skills, goves you life experiences. Education as a whole enlightens you. 

I dont know why you’re taking it personal. You dont seem uneducated 

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16 minutes ago, BowTie said:

Education goes on in school - and school teaches you social skills, goves you life experiences. Education as a whole enlightens you. 

I dont know why you’re taking it personal. You dont seem uneducated 

Education enlightens you, yes. And it may help you make better decisions, as I said, but a lack of education isn't as detrimental as you make it seem. 

Lol. I'm not uneducated. The reason why I take issue with that statement is because I am educated (i don't mean to say that someone uneducated wouldn't know that either. It's common sense), and I know that broken children aren't created by uneducated mothers. They're created by many, many, other factors.

Edited by 2Timeless

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14 minutes ago, 2Timeless said:

Education enlightens you, yes. And it may help you make better decisions, as I said, but a lack of education isn't as detrimental as you make it seem. 

Lol. I'm not uneducated. The reason why I take issue with that statement is because I am educated (i don't mean to say that someone uneducated wouldn't know that either. It's common sense), and I know that broken children aren't created by uneducated mothers. They're created by many, many, other factors.

Very true. I come from an uneducated mother and a multiple PhD holder father. Mother has taught me everything. She’s always been the more supportive and open minded one. She is one of the most wise people I know. I haven’t learned much from father and if he had raised us without mother we’d definitely be broken. I take offense to someone saying uneducated mothers create broken children. 

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12 minutes ago, Nevsevug said:

Very true. I come from an uneducated mother and a multiple PhD holder father. Mother has taught me everything. She’s always been the more supportive and open minded one. She is one of the most wise people I know. I haven’t learned much from father and if he had raised us without mother we’d definitely be broken. I take offense to someone saying uneducated mothers create broken children. 

A definite fool who believes that uneducated mothers raise broken or uneducated children.

There is a saying which translates to English as below

Not every educated human is qualified and not every qualified human is educated.

People get education but they do not get the sensibility, the experience to drive the life in a likely proper manner.

Edited by Asghar Ali Karbalai

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7 minutes ago, Asghar Ali Karbalai said:

A definite fool who believes that uneducated mothers raise broken or uneducated children.

Not sure about broken, but in this day and age mother's education does make a difference towards her child's education and upbringing. I am a mother myself, there are mothers of my children's classmates who are barely literate and others who are not internet savvy. Can you imagine what is going on in their homes as their kids have unsupervised access to various gadgets and internet? 

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