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Guest selfactualisation

In urgent need of help.

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Guest selfactualisation

Assalamu alaikum fellow Shi’a

I am in a torturous state at the moment and decided to tell my story in an attempt to save myself. The story will only highlight negative events I believe led up to now; my life is not all horrible and nowhere near the worst. However, as it is my goal in life to help others I thought I’d reach out for some inspiration on ways to help myself from my fellow Shi’a.

I am young and have just finished my first year of university. But the story really starts a few years ago when I moved to a school I had been working 3 years for. Upon being accepted, I of course was elated, but my school has a cruel policy where they remove your siblings from the school if you move. Being one of their top and most dedicated students since kindergarten I felt shattered and mostly betrayed because I realised they viewed me as nothing but an asset to further the school’s reputation. However, the most alienating experience was when my mother, who knew how much I wanted to move, turned her anger towards me, calling me selfish and cunning (because apparently I knew of the policy). All I had was a good intention; to go to a better school to challenge myself and make new friends from different backgrounds (my school was pretty homogeneous). Of course I was worried for my brother and wanted him to stay, but knowing they thought he was so dispensable, I also didn’t.

Anyway, I did move. But my brother’s school and mine were far apart, so my mother had to drive for a long time (I wasn’t allowed to go alone). Every morning she’d curse and yell VERY loudly at me and I would go to school crying. It was all very overwhelming especially as I tried to make friends and study. 8 days. I decided this was not going to work and so I moved back to my old school. It was humiliating but more confronting as they thought I’d come back out of regret/love for the school. No one until this day knows why I really went back.

The final year of school was gruelling, and I was severely depressed. Despite me tearing up several times at school, there was no mental/emotional support and at home I was constantly getting “You should be studying 24hrs a day” which for someone who is internally motivated is VERY annoying. I actually let my standards drop a little by the end as I was so tired but Alhamdullilah my results were more than I could have ever imagined. I attributed this to Imam Mahdi (atfs) because there’s no way I did that alone. However, my family was not as impressed as I expected and in my holidays I was practically incarcerated at home, unable to fulfil so many goals I’d set (I wasn’t allowed to catch public transport, couldn’t drive and was rejected from every job I applied for). I developed severe OCD, which I’d had before as a 7 year old. It didn’t help that I also had pelvic floor weakness due to all the studying and little physical activity I’d done. We even went on our first family holiday in forever, and my OCD plus my mum’s hatred of the place made it anything but enjoyable. This was my reward after the hardest year of my life…

Uni starts and I’m finally able to catch a bus because I have to. I don’t go wild or anything, I literally just go to uni and occasionally the shops for personal needs. However, I realise I’m very lonely; I don’t manage to make many friends, and those I do have only talk to me in lectures/tutorials. Being the only visible Muslim in my course is quite difficult, especially as it is a course that requires a lot of physical contact and disrobing, so a lot of exceptions have to be made for me and it can be awkward. But I don’t give up and am friendly and confident with everyone I meet, take the lead in academic tasks and try to keep my results excellent. First semester went ok, second semester my OCD was taking its toll and my results suffered a little but they were still good. I was still quite lonely but met a few people who were very friendly and even hung out with one of them once.

Now it’s the holidays, and my OCD is making it hard to control my emotions. I have very little resilience to things that affect my OCD. My family treats it with anger and try and to rationalise with me but that was the same treatment I got as a 7 year old and it never worked. I would love to see a psychologist but I’m only a student and it is very expensive.

Some other problems I face with my family include their lack of acknowledgement for things I do. I’m the only one other than my mother who tries to cook for everyone; I buy the ingredients which often aren’t cheap, walk with the heavy bags in the heat and finally get round to cooking. It’s quite a task. And the result is either no one eats it or it receives criticism… Once I made a very expensive meal and a very good one at that, and didn’t receive a single compliment; in fact my mother yelled at me to clean up (and I have OCD…). I didn’t let it get to me though, I ate the meal and enjoyed it and told myself it was the best food I’d ever had Alhamdullilah.

Furthermore, it seems there is a covert dissatisfaction with the course I am doing at uni across my immediate and extended family. Everyone expected me to do medicine, but as I was suffering so much to stay alive let alone get the marks, I gave up. Plus, out of logic, I didn’t want to as the pathway is so long and difficult I don’t think I’d be doing it for the right reasons by the end; of course, many perceive this as weakness but I couldn’t care less. I want to help my patients, and there are so many ways to do this, but having the title “Dr” makes it more legitimate?? Upon hearing what course I was doing, some of my family said “Why?! She should do medicine!” as if I can just politely ask for admission, and there is no emotionally/mentally/physically draining process involved. Plus my course is as close to med as it gets with a MINIMUM 99 admission score. Even after my first year they’re in the hopes I’ll transfer. Not a chance. Despite all its challenges, Alhamdullilah I LOVE my course and the career I will get from it. It is patient-focused and preventative, and it doesn’t take an eternity for me to actually start treating!

Of course, this is my version of the story. There are things about me you should know. I have a bad temper and especially in the last few years have been very hard to communicate with. I think this is why my family can be so hostile towards me, which is sad because when I try to be nice or take care of myself I am still treated with hostility, which drives my mental illness deeper into the dirt. I feel every step I take I’m knocked three steps back. I am still praying but due to my OCD tend to delay. I don’t feel very close to Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى and I know this will help me the most. I am trying to be productive in life but keep failing. I feel very lost; so many goals, so little achieved.

Also please don’t think I hate my mother. I don’t expect her to change; she has been through so many hardships herself, morphing her into who she is today. It was just on the occasions mentioned above that her way of dealing with things got to me… I will always love and protect her, but our relationship now is quite tense I suppose.

What can I do? Please do share advice/ ahadeeth/ verses/ lectures ANYTHING you think could help.

I’m so sorry as this was SO long and I understand you’re all busy and may have given up. But to those who finished thanks for reading; it’s not even that interesting and mostly depressing, I hope I haven’t depressed you.

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Guest selfactualisation
20 hours ago, eloquence said:

This honestly is too complicated for Shiachat. No offense to anyone else but many members reply in their holier than thou way and dont offer the kind of help you’ll need. I’ve been in a situation very similar to yours for a long time. A toxic home life, mental health issues and college being my only escape. The mental health only gets worse if you don’t treat it. I’ve gone deeper and deeper into the mental issues and it’s made everything that much harder. I have no relationship with Allah anymore and I’m barely able to pray. I have days where I can’t brush my teeth or shower. The first step is to get to some kind of therapy for this. Universities usually have counseling for students so try looking there. If not, do you have insurance? What country are you in? It’s really great that you’re constantly trying and you want to get help. 

 

(I’d like to ask now for everyone that knows nothing about mental health to stop replying to everyone’s problems with their bad advice. Stop telling people if they pray and are nice to their parents everything will get better)

 

Hi eloquence. Thank you very much!! Yes I agree with you that it's far too complicated (I realised as I wrote it out...). And yes I'm not looking for a quick fix "read this dua and you'll be cured". I'm honestly at the last resort and would like any small piece of worthy advice to at least alleviate a fraction of one of my problems...

I am really sorry about your situation. It's really hard to muster willpower to keep going. I think we just have to take really minute steps...

Yes I think therapy would help a lot. I'll have to save up money (we have some rebates here) but I know I'll need A LOT of therapy so it'll end up being really expensive haha

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3 hours ago, Guest selfactualisation said:

Hi eloquence. Thank you very much!! Yes I agree with you that it's far too complicated (I realised as I wrote it out...). And yes I'm not looking for a quick fix "read this dua and you'll be cured". I'm honestly at the last resort and would like any small piece of worthy advice to at least alleviate a fraction of one of my problems...

I am really sorry about your situation. It's really hard to muster willpower to keep going. I think we just have to take really minute steps...

Yes I think therapy would help a lot. I'll have to save up money (we have some rebates here) but I know I'll need A LOT of therapy so it'll end up being really expensive haha

Can you check my profile and email me quickly.

I know a psychologist who gives therapies over skype and is very very cheaper and very affective.

I can help you in this, my wife is former OCD. Get in touch quickly.

Get ready for therapies, its really cool, I also had some due to some anxiety issues, and also get ready for some chill pills :-).

Edited by Asghar Ali Karbalai

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Alekum Salam, 

It's not that complicated if you take the problems one at a time, but if you string them all together like that in one go, yes it looks complicated. 

With the home environment, what I've found, and I tell my kids this often, is that people react to you, not as you are, but as you present yourself. It is logical when it comes to people who don't know you, but, you would think, your family knows you so they would know how you really feel and how you really think. They may know slightly more than other people, but in fact the only ones who know you are you and Allah(s.w.a). 

Here's something you could try to make your home situation better. If you are having a strained and troubled relationship with your mom, try to go out of your way to be nice to her. Say 'Salam Alekum...' and greet her with diginity and respect. Try that by itself at first. I know this is very, very difficult because the whole time you will be thinking 'but she did this to me, yelled at me, called me this, that, and the other thing' and it will cause you pain to do this, but do it anyway. Then wait a few days, then just randomly tell you 'I love you mama' or the equivalent in whatever language you speak at home. Believe me, her heart will melt. This is because parents act in a way that seems mean to you, but this is out of love for you. She doesn't know how to express this love in a healthy way, so she yells, and does things that, in her mind, are good for you in the long run (like being disciplined, not being 'soft' in the way she thinks is a bad 'soft', because people will take advantage of you). I am not saying this is good or justifying it, but that is where she is at the moment. Accept that. If you complete the cycle by acknowledging that you understand why she is doing this and express to her what she has a hard time expressing to you, it will change things. Also, if you make this a habit, it will change things even more. This is one of the meanings of the phrase 'Bil walidayni ahsana' (Do good to your parents) which is an often repeated phrase in the Holy Quran. Try it, see what happens. It may not work, but at least you are trying and you didn't lose anything. Like I said, the first time it may be extremely difficult to do, especially given the history between you, but it will get easier after that. If it was easy, everyone would do it. What distinguishes you as a Muslim/a and follower of Ahl Al Bayt(a.s) is doing the hard things, fe sibiliLlah and for the love of Ahl Al Bayt(a.s). 

(Note of caution, people with OCD tend to 'over do' or 'under do' things, it's hard for them to find a middle ground, but in this case please try. I know because I am slightly OCD myself but I have managed to control it to a point) 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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On 12/22/2018 at 4:17 AM, eloquence said:

No offense to anyone else but many members reply in their holier than thou way and dont offer the kind of help you’ll need.

If these questions get asked on a Shia forum, it's hardly surprising that the answers will have a religious flavour, and no doubt Jesus (a.s.) would feature in the answer if they were asked on a Christian forum and if they were asked on a spirituality forum no doubt the solution would likely include meditation.

If people are looking for a wholly medical solution, there are forums and websites for that as well.

FWIW there are many people who sincerely believe that a faith-based approach does help them to manage mental health issues and I have been in meetings with mental health professionals who have taken the line that they would rather engage with the religious perspective rather than dismiss it out of hand.

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21 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

It's not that complicated if you take the problems one at a time, but if you string them all together like that in one go, yes it looks complicated.

 

From a website about cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT):

Quote

During the sessions, you'll work with your therapist to break down your problems into their separate parts, such as your thoughts, physical feelings and actions.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/

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Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum.

I'm one of those people who are not ashamed and actually am very proud to say to turn to Allah swt.  All answers lie with Him.  Religion for me is not a joke.  When the hadith says al salat 3mood al deen, that prayer is the pillar of faith, it's not something to take lightly.   

This is not a hollier than thou attitude at all, this is a strong belief and love that I want to share and emphasis the importance of having a better relationship with Allah swt.  We are only in this world for a few years and then it is to the next life, which is everlasting.   If the sister wanted a secular answer she wouldn't be here in the first place.

Why is it only after we age maybe at 50-60-70 we finally turn to God because we know our time is almost done in this world?   But why isn't that the prime focus at the most important time in our lives when we are youth.  We do everything under the sky to find happiness and yet, we are not happy we get stories of depression, mental illness, pain and suffering.

We live in individualistic societies that could careless of others, it's just me and maybe the person I love and the rest we don't even bother to look at any other person twice.   When have we cared about our neighbors?  When have we cared about the downtrodden and destitute, from our local communities to across the world like Yemen, Palestine, Philippines, African continent, anyone, anywhere?  It's all about me, me, me.   

Our religion always emphasized to help others, to give others, to make the momin's heart happy, to feed others and invite them as guests, to fulfill the believer's hajjat or needs.   Okay habibi you don't even want to do that, you don't want to do mustahabat, then atleast do your wajab.  Are you paying your khumus every year?  Salat has become a burden the first thing we ditch to the curb. The first question Munkar wa Nakeer will ask us is about our salat!  As Salat, as salat, as salat!

"I'm sick, I don't feel like it.  I study over 18 years a day and I can't do salat." [for 3 minutes.]

My post is not in response for the guest sister.  It is in response to those who mock religion and think it isn't the solution. When you first wake up if you are going to your phone instead of saying thank you Allah for another day, it shows what your heart is attached to.  You might not like what you are reading, but someone needs to speak out.  

Parents are human beings not buttons you push on your phone.  You can't control people like you can control your phone or PS controller.  

I'll add later Insh'Allah, it's almost time for salat!

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

 

 

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3 hours ago, Haji 2003 said:

If these questions get asked on a Shia forum, it's hardly surprising that the answers will have a religious flavour, and no doubt Jesus (a.s.) would feature in the answer if they were asked on a Christian forum and if they were asked on a spirituality forum no doubt the solution would likely include meditation.

If people are looking for a wholly medical solution, there are forums and websites for that as well.

FWIW there are many people who sincerely believe that a faith-based approach does help them to manage mental health issues and I have been in meetings with mental health professionals who have taken the line that they would rather engage with the religious perspective rather than dismiss it out of hand.

Is shiachat a marriage forum because we always have marriage related topics here and people have actually gotten married after meeting here? Or is it a politics forum? She is looking for an outlet and picked one where the people would best be able to understand her situation. Where else would people understand her life? Most likely non Muslims tell you to disobey your parents and try to leave the house which is impossible in cases like ours. Just because the topic has other undertones doesnt mean it doesn’t belong here or we can’t reply in a manner that isn’t religious. 

In our communities these issues aren’t considered important enough and everyone tells you you’re not religious or a good enough muslim because you’re depressed or may have any other mental health problems. Everyone thinks the magical answer is praying and being good. A lot of the time it’s not. Also I was speaking from experience and hearing people say that kind of thing is beyond annoying and hurtful so I didn’t want that for this sister. There have been countless examples here where people offer no good advice besides telling people to pray more or whatever they can think of because they haven’t had the luck of having any mental health issues.  There’s nothing wrong with telling people to save their opinions that are of no use. There’s also evidence from her post that she tries with her family and would like to be more religious already. It would make no sense to tell her something like that when there obviously a lot of issues besides that which need to be resolved. Therapy and getting medicated are different things and I told her about therapy specifically. I don’t understand how undermining my post helps her in any way. 

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3 hours ago, Laayla said:

My post is not in response for the guest sister.  It is in response to those who mock religion and think it isn't the solution. When you first wake up if you are going to your phone instead of saying thank you Allah for another day, it shows what your heart is attached to.  You might not like what you are reading, but someone needs to speak out.  

I'll add later Insh'Allah, it's almost time for salat!

 

Exactly what I was talking about. There is no shame in turning to God and no one said anything like that. It makes no sense to say I mocked the religion because I did in no way. There is an issue with shaming people because they may not be able to pray like you do. Also I never said prayer isn’t important or that I do not pray or care for it. Barely able to pray =\= I don’t pray and you shouldn’t either. I pray daily, however hard it is for me. I ask God daily to help me strength the relationship between us and I take baby steps to get there. I guess it only counts if I make a huge deal out of it or say on my post that I have to go pray. 

I’d like to repost what I said before everyone attacks me again :)

Stop telling people if they pray and are nice to their parents everything will get better

No one said don’t pray and don’t be kind to your parents. No one is mocking religion. No one tells you to just pray it out when you tell them you have any other health issues. Is telling someone to get medicine for fever also secular? It simply says don’t tell people prayer is the answer to all of their issues when they have a lot of other things which weigh them down. If they are able to get through those things it will help them with their spirituality.Telling someone to seek therapy doesn’t mean prayer cannot also be the answer. Doesn’t mean either one is the only answer. 

 

Edited by eloquence

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On 12/22/2018 at 2:38 AM, Guest selfactualisation said:

Assalamu alaikum fellow Shi’a

I am in a torturous state at the moment and decided to tell my story in an attempt to save myself. The story will only highlight negative events I believe led up to now; my life is not all horrible and nowhere near the worst. However, as it is my goal in life to help others I thought I’d reach out for some inspiration on ways to help myself from my fellow Shi’a.

I am young and have just finished my first year of university. But the story really starts a few years ago when I moved to a school I had been working 3 years for. Upon being accepted, I of course was elated, but my school has a cruel policy where they remove your siblings from the school if you move. Being one of their top and most dedicated students since kindergarten I felt shattered and mostly betrayed because I realised they viewed me as nothing but an asset to further the school’s reputation. However, the most alienating experience was when my mother, who knew how much I wanted to move, turned her anger towards me, calling me selfish and cunning (because apparently I knew of the policy). All I had was a good intention; to go to a better school to challenge myself and make new friends from different backgrounds (my school was pretty homogeneous). Of course I was worried for my brother and wanted him to stay, but knowing they thought he was so dispensable, I also didn’t.

Anyway, I did move. But my brother’s school and mine were far apart, so my mother had to drive for a long time (I wasn’t allowed to go alone). Every morning she’d curse and yell VERY loudly at me and I would go to school crying. It was all very overwhelming especially as I tried to make friends and study. 8 days. I decided this was not going to work and so I moved back to my old school. It was humiliating but more confronting as they thought I’d come back out of regret/love for the school. No one until this day knows why I really went back.

The final year of school was gruelling, and I was severely depressed. Despite me tearing up several times at school, there was no mental/emotional support and at home I was constantly getting “You should be studying 24hrs a day” which for someone who is internally motivated is VERY annoying. I actually let my standards drop a little by the end as I was so tired but Alhamdullilah my results were more than I could have ever imagined. I attributed this to Imam Mahdi (atfs) because there’s no way I did that alone. However, my family was not as impressed as I expected and in my holidays I was practically incarcerated at home, unable to fulfil so many goals I’d set (I wasn’t allowed to catch public transport, couldn’t drive and was rejected from every job I applied for). I developed severe OCD, which I’d had before as a 7 year old. It didn’t help that I also had pelvic floor weakness due to all the studying and little physical activity I’d done. We even went on our first family holiday in forever, and my OCD plus my mum’s hatred of the place made it anything but enjoyable. This was my reward after the hardest year of my life…

Uni starts and I’m finally able to catch a bus because I have to. I don’t go wild or anything, I literally just go to uni and occasionally the shops for personal needs. However, I realise I’m very lonely; I don’t manage to make many friends, and those I do have only talk to me in lectures/tutorials. Being the only visible Muslim in my course is quite difficult, especially as it is a course that requires a lot of physical contact and disrobing, so a lot of exceptions have to be made for me and it can be awkward. But I don’t give up and am friendly and confident with everyone I meet, take the lead in academic tasks and try to keep my results excellent. First semester went ok, second semester my OCD was taking its toll and my results suffered a little but they were still good. I was still quite lonely but met a few people who were very friendly and even hung out with one of them once.

Now it’s the holidays, and my OCD is making it hard to control my emotions. I have very little resilience to things that affect my OCD. My family treats it with anger and try and to rationalise with me but that was the same treatment I got as a 7 year old and it never worked. I would love to see a psychologist but I’m only a student and it is very expensive.

Some other problems I face with my family include their lack of acknowledgement for things I do. I’m the only one other than my mother who tries to cook for everyone; I buy the ingredients which often aren’t cheap, walk with the heavy bags in the heat and finally get round to cooking. It’s quite a task. And the result is either no one eats it or it receives criticism… Once I made a very expensive meal and a very good one at that, and didn’t receive a single compliment; in fact my mother yelled at me to clean up (and I have OCD…). I didn’t let it get to me though, I ate the meal and enjoyed it and told myself it was the best food I’d ever had Alhamdullilah.

Furthermore, it seems there is a covert dissatisfaction with the course I am doing at uni across my immediate and extended family. Everyone expected me to do medicine, but as I was suffering so much to stay alive let alone get the marks, I gave up. Plus, out of logic, I didn’t want to as the pathway is so long and difficult I don’t think I’d be doing it for the right reasons by the end; of course, many perceive this as weakness but I couldn’t care less. I want to help my patients, and there are so many ways to do this, but having the title “Dr” makes it more legitimate?? Upon hearing what course I was doing, some of my family said “Why?! She should do medicine!” as if I can just politely ask for admission, and there is no emotionally/mentally/physically draining process involved. Plus my course is as close to med as it gets with a MINIMUM 99 admission score. Even after my first year they’re in the hopes I’ll transfer. Not a chance. Despite all its challenges, Alhamdullilah I LOVE my course and the career I will get from it. It is patient-focused and preventative, and it doesn’t take an eternity for me to actually start treating!

Of course, this is my version of the story. There are things about me you should know. I have a bad temper and especially in the last few years have been very hard to communicate with. I think this is why my family can be so hostile towards me, which is sad because when I try to be nice or take care of myself I am still treated with hostility, which drives my mental illness deeper into the dirt. I feel every step I take I’m knocked three steps back. I am still praying but due to my OCD tend to delay. I don’t feel very close to Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى and I know this will help me the most. I am trying to be productive in life but keep failing. I feel very lost; so many goals, so little achieved.

Also please don’t think I hate my mother. I don’t expect her to change; she has been through so many hardships herself, morphing her into who she is today. It was just on the occasions mentioned above that her way of dealing with things got to me… I will always love and protect her, but our relationship now is quite tense I suppose.

What can I do? Please do share advice/ ahadeeth/ verses/ lectures ANYTHING you think could help.

I’m so sorry as this was SO long and I understand you’re all busy and may have given up. But to those who finished thanks for reading; it’s not even that interesting and mostly depressing, I hope I haven’t depressed you.

Salam :) 

The first thing I would say to you is, please don’t apologise, or seek to minimise your desperation/ feelings by acknowledging that there are people worst off. It is also okay to be critical of someone that you love and respect, so don’t apologise for having assessed how your mothers actions made you feel. 

You need to understand that your mental health is absolutely key, and needs to be prioritised over any cultural, educational or religious requirements someone may have of you, or that you are imposing on yourself. My advice to you would be to look into talking therapy courses that are free, also many universities offer free counselling services. These are the first steps in order to make sure that you are able to express your feelings outward in a constructive way. The worst thing you can do is keep it all in. In terms of your OCD, sometimes you have to give in a little bit. I know that sometimes following a routine, or cleaning in a certain way can provide a level of control that we desperately seek. Take one day at a time, and remember that while du’a and Salah and remembrance of God may not be the absolute answer, they most definitely can’t hurt. Something that helped me overcome a range of my mental health issues and incredibly difficult relationship with my parents was re-engineering my thought process. I realised that I was relying too much on myself to be my saviour. Please don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be the perfect, balanced daughter. 

Home is just a word that we give somewhere that we are comfortable. If the house in which you live us becoming toxic and a trigger, find somewhere that you can call home. This can be a library, a friends company, a counsellors office, anything you want. And when you begin to feel anxious or depressed take an active step to out time aside to visit that place. This restores control and gives you something to look forward to. In regards to making friends, join some societies, sign up for extra courses I.e. language, join a cause you care about I.e. social mobility or a charity etc. Like minded individuals will make you feel more comfortable and at ease than the wide diaspora that university in general provides.

I hope this was helpful, most of all please don’t feel embarrassed ashamed or alone. You are incredibly loved and special, I’m certain. 

Du’as 

Syeda

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Religion plus doctor that's how it works in short.

No debates no contradictions.

And when I say religion, It literally means Religion not just praying fasting and doing bad deeds also instead being true to Allah in all your actions every single day then see the result, it is guaranteed.

Our soul knows Allah only so the soul craves inside you to pray, recite Quran, recite durood whole heartedly, learn Prophet Mohammad(saww) o Aal(asws) e Mohammad(saww).

And one more important point, if you are sick whatever sickness it is, know that your prayers are being heard, if your sickness goes away it is good if it does not even that is also good, because for all the hardships that a shia face, there is a tremendous reward for him/her in aakhirah. I am not saying this, Moula Ali(asws) said it for those who suffer from illness and pray to get it over but it remains.

OCD, anxiety, schizophrenia, cancer, tumour, anything whether physical or mental illness know that the Imam(asws) of your time knows it so be patient towards it. I know it is hard but offer salah and seek help through patience and prayers.

Islam plus doctor is how it works after all even when Imam al Muttaqeen Al(asws) ibn Abi Talib(asws) got hit by the sword, the doctor was called. In it is a lesson for those with understanding.

Edited by Asghar Ali Karbalai

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On 12/23/2018 at 2:16 PM, eloquence said:

Exactly what I was talking about. There is no shame in turning to God and no one said anything like that. It makes no sense to say I mocked the religion because I did in no way. There is an issue with shaming people because they may not be able to pray like you do. Also I never said prayer isn’t important or that I do not pray or care for it. Barely able to pray =\= I don’t pray and you shouldn’t either. I pray daily, however hard it is for me. I ask God daily to help me strength the relationship between us and I take baby steps to get there. I guess it only counts if I make a huge deal out of it or say on my post that I have to go pray. 

I’d like to repost what I said before everyone attacks me again :)

Stop telling people if they pray and are nice to their parents everything will get better

No one said don’t pray and don’t be kind to your parents. No one is mocking religion. No one tells you to just pray it out when you tell them you have any other health issues. Is telling someone to get medicine for fever also secular? It simply says don’t tell people prayer is the answer to all of their issues when they have a lot of other things which weigh them down. If they are able to get through those things it will help them with their spirituality.Telling someone to seek therapy doesn’t mean prayer cannot also be the answer. Doesn’t mean either one is the only answer. 

 

I'm sorry if you felt attacked.  My point was to emphasis the importance of prayer, and Alhamd'Allah it is a blessing to observe.

The whole point of salat is to elevate us into better human beings and to seek closeness to Allah.

God bless you.

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Asalamu Alaikum sister, 

Let me just that I pray that things get better for you InshaAllah, and you are always content and healthy in your life. Us here on shiachat want the best for everyone. 

I want to reply to your story by giving you a little anecdote about myself, and things that I do now to help me feel a little more at peace. 

Beginning through winter of 2016 and into 2017, I was experiencing emotions I never had before. I had really bad waswas (which basically translates to whispering from shaytan). I had really bad waswas about whether I did the correct number of rakat in my prayer, whether or not my wudhu was valid, whether or not I made things najis (impure) in my kitchen. It really bothered me. 

I continued to have waswas about Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى and Islam, and I continued to feel extremely overwhelmed. 

I prayed and cried to Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى so much at this time. I was not understanding what was going on. 

To make the long story short (if you would like more details, please feel free to reach out to me), I combatted my sad emotions by learning more about Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى and the deen. I did this in baby steps. 

I would read/listen/memorize Qur’an. 

I highly recommend memorizing Ayatul Kursi, Syrah Ikhlas, Surah An-Nas, Surah Falaq, and Surah Kafirun. 

I would listen/read duas.

I would watch a video about Allah’s سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى 99 Names. 

I would try to become more knowledgeable about Islamic laws. 

I would watch so many lectures. These lectures really allowed me to think more profoundly about Islam. The more I learned about Islam, the more I saw the waswas diminishing. 

Right now, at the end of 2018, I can say I am doing much better. I still have waswas every day, but it is not as overwhelming as it was last year. 

The bottom line is, I would really recommend taking baby steps to learn more about Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى, read, listen to, and memorize more Qur’an, listen to or read more duas, and watch lectures. 

And most importantly, as you do all this, ask Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى for help every step of the way. 

Remember that He only wants the best for you. Pray to Him. Cry to Him. He is The One Who created you. Truly seek His help. 

Do not give up. 

This is something that has helped me, and I pray it helps you too. 

Sister, your story has really affected me. InshaAllah things get better for you. 

If you would ever like to talk more about this issue, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. 

And of course, I hope you are also able to see a doctor on this issue as well. Remember that someone with cancer for example would pray to get better, and would also receive treatment. And so InshaAllah I hope you are able to see someone soon. 

 

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On 12/26/2018 at 3:09 AM, KnowledgeSeeker36 said:

Asalamu Alaikum sister, 

Let me just that I pray that things get better for you InshaAllah, and you are always content and healthy in your life. Us here on shiachat want the best for everyone. 

I want to reply to your story by giving you a little anecdote about myself, and things that I do now to help me feel a little more at peace. 

Beginning through winter of 2016 and into 2017, I was experiencing emotions I never had before. I had really bad waswas (which basically translates to whispering from shaytan). I had really bad waswas about whether I did the correct number of rakat in my prayer, whether or not my wudhu was valid, whether or not I made things najis (impure) in my kitchen. It really bothered me. 

I continued to have waswas about Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى and Islam, and I continued to feel extremely overwhelmed. 

I prayed and cried to Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى so much at this time. I was not understanding what was going on. 

To make the long story short (if you would like more details, please feel free to reach out to me), I combatted my sad emotions by learning more about Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى and the deen. I did this in baby steps. 

I would read/listen/memorize Qur’an. 

I highly recommend memorizing Ayatul Kursi, Syrah Ikhlas, Surah An-Nas, Surah Falaq, and Surah Kafirun. 

I would listen/read duas.

I would watch a video about Allah’s سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى 99 Names. 

I would try to become more knowledgeable about Islamic laws. 

I would watch so many lectures. These lectures really allowed me to think more profoundly about Islam. The more I learned about Islam, the more I saw the waswas diminishing. 

Right now, at the end of 2018, I can say I am doing much better. I still have waswas every day, but it is not as overwhelming as it was last year. 

The bottom line is, I would really recommend taking baby steps to learn more about Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى, read, listen to, and memorize more Qur’an, listen to or read more duas, and watch lectures. 

And most importantly, as you do all this, ask Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى for help every step of the way. 

Remember that He only wants the best for you. Pray to Him. Cry to Him. He is The One Who created you. Truly seek His help. 

Do not give up. 

This is something that has helped me, and I pray it helps you too. 

Sister, your story has really affected me. InshaAllah things get better for you. 

If you would ever like to talk more about this issue, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. 

And of course, I hope you are also able to see a doctor on this issue as well. Remember that someone with cancer for example would pray to get better, and would also receive treatment. And so InshaAllah I hope you are able to see someone soon. 

 

Salams! Thank you very much for your words. I absolutely think you're right, and see that you suffer very similar things to me. I also pray that the thoughts leave you! You are very strong! I will try my best to get closer to Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى, I must.

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On 12/22/2018 at 9:47 PM, Abu Hadi said:

Alekum Salam, 

It's not that complicated if you take the problems one at a time, but if you string them all together like that in one go, yes it looks complicated. 

With the home environment, what I've found, and I tell my kids this often, is that people react to you, not as you are, but as you present yourself. It is logical when it comes to people who don't know you, but, you would think, your family knows you so they would know how you really feel and how you really think. They may know slightly more than other people, but in fact the only ones who know you are you and Allah(s.w.a). 

Here's something you could try to make your home situation better. If you are having a strained and troubled relationship with your mom, try to go out of your way to be nice to her. Say 'Salam Alekum...' and greet her with diginity and respect. Try that by itself at first. I know this is very, very difficult because the whole time you will be thinking 'but she did this to me, yelled at me, called me this, that, and the other thing' and it will cause you pain to do this, but do it anyway. Then wait a few days, then just randomly tell you 'I love you mama' or the equivalent in whatever language you speak at home. Believe me, her heart will melt. This is because parents act in a way that seems mean to you, but this is out of love for you. She doesn't know how to express this love in a healthy way, so she yells, and does things that, in her mind, are good for you in the long run (like being disciplined, not being 'soft' in the way she thinks is a bad 'soft', because people will take advantage of you). I am not saying this is good or justifying it, but that is where she is at the moment. Accept that. If you complete the cycle by acknowledging that you understand why she is doing this and express to her what she has a hard time expressing to you, it will change things. Also, if you make this a habit, it will change things even more. This is one of the meanings of the phrase 'Bil walidayni ahsana' (Do good to your parents) which is an often repeated phrase in the Holy Quran. Try it, see what happens. It may not work, but at least you are trying and you didn't lose anything. Like I said, the first time it may be extremely difficult to do, especially given the history between you, but it will get easier after that. If it was easy, everyone would do it. What distinguishes you as a Muslim/a and follower of Ahl Al Bayt(a.s) is doing the hard things, fe sibiliLlah and for the love of Ahl Al Bayt(a.s). 

(Note of caution, people with OCD tend to 'over do' or 'under do' things, it's hard for them to find a middle ground, but in this case please try. I know because I am slightly OCD myself but I have managed to control it to a point) 

Yes I definitely agree; I would never try to spite her in any way, she's my mother and reality is she's the reason I'm even alive right now. She has suffered a lot for us. I think she just can't understand me, and I can't expect her to, so there is some tension created...

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On 12/23/2018 at 11:16 PM, eloquence said:

Exactly what I was talking about. There is no shame in turning to God and no one said anything like that. It makes no sense to say I mocked the religion because I did in no way. There is an issue with shaming people because they may not be able to pray like you do. Also I never said prayer isn’t important or that I do not pray or care for it. Barely able to pray =\= I don’t pray and you shouldn’t either. I pray daily, however hard it is for me. I ask God daily to help me strength the relationship between us and I take baby steps to get there. I guess it only counts if I make a huge deal out of it or say on my post that I have to go pray. 

I’d like to repost what I said before everyone attacks me again :)

Stop telling people if they pray and are nice to their parents everything will get better

No one said don’t pray and don’t be kind to your parents. No one is mocking religion. No one tells you to just pray it out when you tell them you have any other health issues. Is telling someone to get medicine for fever also secular? It simply says don’t tell people prayer is the answer to all of their issues when they have a lot of other things which weigh them down. If they are able to get through those things it will help them with their spirituality.Telling someone to seek therapy doesn’t mean prayer cannot also be the answer. Doesn’t mean either one is the only answer. 

 

Hello once again eloquence, yes I relate strongly to this. It is hard to pray but as you said you keep going. You can't blame people for not understanding this feeling; naturally they will say to pray all our problems away, which in essence is a nice piece of advice but is a lot more complicated for us. Ultimately, yes, we should aim to be able to pray with ease, inshaAllah.

To those who answered with religious solutions, thank you very much; I don't disagree with you at all! In fact you've reinforced and reminded me that ultimately God is my saviour, through prayers, therapy or otherwise...

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On 12/23/2018 at 11:29 PM, Syed1208 said:

Salam :) 

The first thing I would say to you is, please don’t apologise, or seek to minimise your desperation/ feelings by acknowledging that there are people worst off. It is also okay to be critical of someone that you love and respect, so don’t apologise for having assessed how your mothers actions made you feel. 

You need to understand that your mental health is absolutely key, and needs to be prioritised over any cultural, educational or religious requirements someone may have of you, or that you are imposing on yourself. My advice to you would be to look into talking therapy courses that are free, also many universities offer free counselling services. These are the first steps in order to make sure that you are able to express your feelings outward in a constructive way. The worst thing you can do is keep it all in. In terms of your OCD, sometimes you have to give in a little bit. I know that sometimes following a routine, or cleaning in a certain way can provide a level of control that we desperately seek. Take one day at a time, and remember that while du’a and Salah and remembrance of God may not be the absolute answer, they most definitely can’t hurt. Something that helped me overcome a range of my mental health issues and incredibly difficult relationship with my parents was re-engineering my thought process. I realised that I was relying too much on myself to be my saviour. Please don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be the perfect, balanced daughter. 

Home is just a word that we give somewhere that we are comfortable. If the house in which you live us becoming toxic and a trigger, find somewhere that you can call home. This can be a library, a friends company, a counsellors office, anything you want. And when you begin to feel anxious or depressed take an active step to out time aside to visit that place. This restores control and gives you something to look forward to. In regards to making friends, join some societies, sign up for extra courses I.e. language, join a cause you care about I.e. social mobility or a charity etc. Like minded individuals will make you feel more comfortable and at ease than the wide diaspora that university in general provides.

I hope this was helpful, most of all please don’t feel embarrassed ashamed or alone. You are incredibly loved and special, I’m certain. 

Du’as 

Syeda

Salams Syeda,

 

Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately my feelings are constantly invalidated by those around me, but you are right, I should accept they are there. I will definitely put my mental health first, I've decided to invest in psychology; money has no value compared to health. And you're definitely right I always try to do a little 'exposure therapy' on myself by not giving into compulsion, however at times it is harder than others.

And of course I do head out often; I find some peace at work and definitely the library. I don't hate being at my actual home, I really do appreciate it; I guess it is difficult sometimes.

Again, thank you very much! God bless you

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On 12/24/2018 at 1:07 AM, Asghar Ali Karbalai said:

Religion plus doctor that's how it works in short.

No debates no contradictions.

And when I say religion, It literally means Religion not just praying fasting and doing bad deeds also instead being true to Allah in all your actions every single day then see the result, it is guaranteed.

Our soul knows Allah only so the soul craves inside you to pray, recite Quran, recite durood whole heartedly, learn Prophet Mohammad(saww) o Aal(asws) e Mohammad(saww).

And one more important point, if you are sick whatever sickness it is, know that your prayers are being heard, if your sickness goes away it is good if it does not even that is also good, because for all the hardships that a shia face, there is a tremendous reward for him/her in aakhirah. I am not saying this, Moula Ali(asws) said it for those who suffer from illness and pray to get it over but it remains.

OCD, anxiety, schizophrenia, cancer, tumour, anything whether physical or mental illness know that the Imam(asws) of your time knows it so be patient towards it. I know it is hard but offer salah and seek help through patience and prayers.

Islam plus doctor is how it works after all even when Imam al Muttaqeen Al(asws) ibn Abi Talib(asws) got hit by the sword, the doctor was called. In it is a lesson for those with understanding.

Salams

I find this very useful. Logic leads me to think you are absolutely right, especially about worship through sincerity rather than just actions. InshaAllah I will keep praying and will definitely see a psychologist. I think it has been hard for me thus far because I'm very reserved and don't let on any of my problems to anyone. Thank you again and God bless you

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Salams to everyone

Thank you all for replying. So sorry for the delay in reply, I have been going through a particularly hard time lately especially in the last couple of days. Receiving 1950s style psychiatry at home is not helping. But I will inshaAllah seek professional help as soon as I can as I realise now how necessary it is.

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Having issues at home, feeling lonely or different all these feelings are normal, I personally have been through I won't get to that. However, my only advice is to keep going and stand still before all challenges till you receive your degree and NEVER EVER turn to people for help or try to become someone you are not.

Whenever you suffer just think of Ahlulbayt and their suffering for the sake of justice!

Your suffering is no where near what people living in wars and poverty are suffering from.

All the best!

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