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In the Name of God بسم الله
HopefulBeliever

Mid-twenties, female and single - what am I doing wrong?

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4 hours ago, Carlzone said:

This type of man that I'm talking about have had various ethnical backgrounds (European, Middle eastern, South East asian), so most likely they exist in all nationalities. But they are not like the average Joe. They can think outside the box and are not limited by culture. They have done great inner work and are conscious and self aware men. Oftentimes they have achieved great success in life and are prominent men. They are not afraid of your intelligence or when you question them. On the contrary, they will reevaluate themselves when questioned and instead of fearing you reaching a high position, they will actually encourage you to grow and do everything they can to help you rise. And they have a very loving and supportive nature and will shower you with love. And they will find you, not the other way around. They are very active and have this "make things happen"- quality about them. Just be available like mentioned in this thread and when the time is right he/they will find you. 

But as I said, get to know yourself, be happy and enjoy life. Make your life as happy as you possibly can. 

If you want to get married to fill a void in your life, then that will probably not be very successful coz who wants to marry an unhappy person who thinks that their life sucks? 

Instead you should be living a happy life and be radiating with joy - that is attractive and will make you more interesting for high quality men. 

I'm not saying you shouldn't have struggles in life, coz we all do, but try your best to be happy anyway. And smile and have fun. :)

The biggest obstacle I believe most sisters have in order to meet this type of man is that they do not know themselves enough, do not like themselves, are not happy, and are a bit uptight. 

You can be the most beautiful girl, but if you are uptight you will not be attractive to and will scare off good men. 

Relax, smile and have fun. Be happy to be you and to be in your own skin. Be able to crack a joke. Be honest, genuine and authentic.

May Allah SWT bless all unmarried sisters and brothers with the perfect spouse InshaAllah. 

This reads almost like an article from a 'glossy magazine' on positive mental well being/psychology/fortune telling/horoscopes et al.

I used to to think along these lines when I was a teenager and I'm so pleased that your innocence and optimistic outlook towards life haven't yet been tainted/skewed by the cruel reality of the world we live in. I'm not intending to sound cynical here but you may hold a different opinion in five years or so. Life isn't a bed of roses even for those of us that live the most privileged of lives 'on paper.'

You stated: "The biggest obstacle I believe most sisters have in order to meet this type of man is that they do not know themselves enough, do not like themselves, are not happy, and are a bit uptight."

One can never know themselves fully as most people are constantly growing, evolving and expanding their horizons. I know plenty of happy, chirpy girls who are fully in tune with their inner self but have not been a magnet for the sheer magnitude of men with the qualities that you describe. 

Also, most of the single guys whom I know who I would consider to be good catches would definitely be put off by this kind of forever 'living on cloud 9' mentality in girls. Yes, we all want to be surrounded by optimistic and enthusiastic people but most evolved men are put off by 'the eternal optimists' as it is equally important to be able to have a realistic outlook towards life when it is demanded. 

So, here comes the million dollar question: If you are meeting all these fantastic shia men, why are you still single?

(BTW I am married.)

 

Edited by Aflower
spelling mistake

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1 hour ago, Shaykhmuhsin said:

suggest some real matrimonial n halal dating places guys...so that it would be helpful

I dont know of any shia dating services apart from Aisha’s Links which closed down.

There are other Muslim dating services but sadly they dont have any shia candidates on their database.

I think its important to make compromises because Allah is watching and he rewards us for our compromises.

In Pakistan sunnis and shias marry together. Here on Shiamatch i have seen some people raise the issue of raising children with sunnis. I think they should let the kids decide. 

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1 hour ago, Aflower said:

This reads almost like an article from a 'glossy magazine' on positive mental well being/psychology/fortune telling/horoscopes et al.

I used to to think along these lines when I was a teenager and I'm so pleased that your innocence and optimistic outlook towards life haven't yet been tainted/skewed by the cruel reality of the world we live in. I'm not intending to sound cynical here but you may hold a different opinion in five years or so. Life isn't a bed of roses even for those of us that live the most privileged of lives 'on paper.'

You stated: "The biggest obstacle I believe most sisters have in order to meet this type of man is that they do not know themselves enough, do not like themselves, are not happy, and are a bit uptight."

One can never know themselves fully as most people are constantly growing, evolving and expanding their horizons. I know plenty of happy, chirpy girls who are fully in tune with their inner self but have not been a magnet for the sheer magnitude of men with the qualities that you describe. 

Also, most of the single guys whom I know who I would consider to be good catches would definitely be put off by this kind of forever 'living on cloud 9' mentality in girls. Yes, we all want to be surrounded by optimistic and enthusiastic people but most evolved men are put off by 'the eternal optimists' as it is equally important to be able to have a realistic outlook towards life when it is demanded. 

So, here comes the million dollar question: If you are meeting all these fantastic shia men, why are you still single?

(BTW I am married.)

 

I don't agree with you. And I think that this mentality actually limits your reality. And if your relatives and friends share it then their reality will be limited too.

It makes me think of Surat Al Raad (13:11):

"...Allah changeth not the condition of a folk until they (first) change that which is in their hearts..."

 

I didn't say you have to be happy all the time. Just do your best to be happy as much as you can. I also said be honest, and genuine, which means that you will display all emotions on the spectrum whenever they arise. But again, work on yourself so you're not negative and uptight all the time. Being negative and uptight will not attract good men. They will flee. And as you mentioned almost all your friends are either single without good prospects or divorced or have given up entirely, while I have loads of friends and relatives who are happily married to great guys alhamdolillah


And as for me - I'm very picky. I know most girls would have wanted the opportunities that I've gotten, but I'm not like most girls and I will dump any guy, no matter how great he is, and even if I'm in love with him, if I'm not 100% satisfied. So if I tell you why I dumped them you will think that they are ridiculous reasons (for instance I want a deeper voice and a better beard), but for me they are important. 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Carlzone said:

I'm not like most girls and I will dump any guy, no matter how great he is, and even if I'm in love with him, if I'm not 100% satisfied. 

That sounds like you'd really prefer to remain single? 

Though definitely it's better to break an engagement than to suffer through a miserable marriage or even divorce later, any relationship (marriage, friendship, employment, mentorship) is going to require compromise. 

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1 hour ago, Carlzone said:

And as for me - I'm very picky. I know most girls would have wanted the opportunities that I've gotten, but I'm not like most girls and I will dump any guy, no matter how great he is, and even if I'm in love with him, if I'm not 100% satisfied. So if I tell you why I dumped them you will think that they are ridiculous reasons (for instance I want a deeper voice and a better beard), but for me they are important

No wonder why so many men and women have remained single in our generation 

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1 hour ago, Carlzone said:

And as for me - I'm very picky. I know most girls would have wanted the opportunities that I've gotten, but I'm not like most girls and I will dump any guy, no matter how great he is, and even if I'm in love with him, if I'm not 100% satisfied. So if I tell you why I dumped them you will think that they are ridiculous reasons (for instance I want a deeper voice and a better beard), but for me they are important. 

Lol

Edited by laithAlIRAQI

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1 hour ago, notme said:

That sounds like you'd really prefer to remain single? 

Though definitely it's better to break an engagement than to suffer through a miserable marriage or even divorce later, any relationship (marriage, friendship, employment, mentorship) is going to require compromise. 

I do compromise. A liiiittle. :D  Honestly I was myself surprised how much I was willing to change/do for my exfiance. I was like "this is not like me". :hahaha: 

But there are things that I will not compromise on, even if they seem silly to others.

The thing is - sometimes you discover things about yourself in the relationship that you did not know about yourself when you entered it and then you need to dump them because you know that in the long run you will not be happy in this relationship. 

So even if it's painful when both parties are in love with eachother to have to break up, it's still a valuable experience because you got to know yourself better. 

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1 hour ago, Murtaza1 said:

No wonder why so many men and women have remained single in our generation 

Brother, generally speaking, don't take take what people on the net say too literally. If something sounds too good to be true then it probably is just that. Some people live on planet Lala, and frankly speaking, how do you even know if what someone is writing is even true? I think some people attempt to live out their fantasises by narrating [Edited Out] and bull stories online. Don't define /limit your reality by what you read on the net. Observe the real world around you and take cues from that. 

Edited by Aflower

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3 hours ago, Carlzone said:

And as for me - I'm very picky. I know most girls would have wanted the opportunities that I've gotten, but I'm not like most girls and I will dump any guy, no matter how great he is, and even if I'm in love with him, if I'm not 100% satisfied. So if I tell you why I dumped them you will think that they are ridiculous reasons (for instance I want a deeper voice and a better beard), but for me they are important. 

Sister it is actually recommended in Islam that you don't reject a suitor for trivial reasons like this.

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3 hours ago, Carlzone said:

And as for me - I'm very picky. I know most girls would have wanted the opportunities that I've gotten, but I'm not like most girls and I will dump any guy, no matter how great he is, and even if I'm in love with him, if I'm not 100% satisfied. So if I tell you why I dumped them you will think that they are ridiculous reasons (for instance I want a deeper voice and a better beard), but for me they are important. 

lol would be funny if you find your Mr perfect and then he dumps you when he comes across your brilliant posts.

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I find it extremely immature and disrespectful that some people find it funny to brag about how many guys they've "dumped". All the female members have rejected certain suitors, it's not something to brag about. Why would you find it funny that you rejected a man? Afterall, marriage completes half your deen, and every suitor rejected should upset you, because you're still not finding the right partner who will help you stay on the right path. It just makes no sense to brag about "dumping" suitors. It's incredibly immature and rude. Also, the word "dump" lacks emotion and suggests a relationship, most times women "reject" suitors because they don't seem very compatible. I suggest we use the latter, as it seems more befitting.

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1 hour ago, Aflower said:

Brother, generally speaking, don't take take what people on the net say too literally. If something sounds too good to be true then it probably is just that. Some people live on planet Lala, and frankly speaking, how do you even know if what someone is writing is even true? I think some people attempt to live out their fantasises by narrating [Edited Out] and bull stories online. Don't define /limit your reality by what you read on the net. Observe the real world around you and take cues from that. 

Of course sister I understand. Its not that I believed the poster. I just wanted to get my point across about many people remaining unmarried these days. 

Edited by Murtaza1

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1 hour ago, Sumerian said:

Sister it is actually recommended in Islam that you don't reject a suitor for trivial reasons like this.

Really? What if you know that this will annoy you in the relationship and that you won't be able to be as good a spouse as you could had you been completely happy with him? Would it be better to marry him and make him miserable in the long run?

And what about all the brothers who reject sisters for not looking exactly like they want? Nobody says anything about that? 

Don't we all have the right to have personal preferences? 

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1 hour ago, King said:

lol would be funny if you find your Mr perfect and then he dumps you when he comes across your brilliant posts.

Not possible, because then he wouldn't be my Mr right (or one of them because I don't believe there's only one). 

And besides, I've told them things way worse than this and that didn't make any difference. They are mature and can take it and actually respect different opinions even if they don't agree with them. 

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2 hours ago, Sumerian said:

Sister it is actually recommended in Islam that you don't reject a suitor for trivial reasons like this.

Maybe these things which appear trivial to you or me are a big deal to her. Each of us has our own unique needs and wants and absolutely nots. Better to reject before marriage than to suffer after. 

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