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HopefulBeliever

Mid-twenties, female and single - what am I doing wrong?

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Salam alakum,

I already feel ridiculous writing this post but I would genuinely like to hear other people's thoughts/ experiences. I have actively been looking for a husband over the past couple of years via online match-making sites. Also, my parents have introduced me to some random prospects, I've asked some close friends if they know anybody and nothing has seem to come of it.

Most guys I've spoken to (generally in their 20s) cannot keep a conversation going, don't have any intellectual interest in Islam or are simply don't seem interested in genuinely settling any time soon or are simply not interested.

I am not bad-looking, I practice my faith in a committed but balanced manner, I am relatively smart so I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I am also open to guys with different backgrounds and am not too fussed about looks.

Do guys in their 20s generally not want to settle down? Am I expecting too much of a guy to have an intellectual and interesting conversation? Perhaps guys are put off by a confident girl? Am I missing something?

I am starting to give up and am close to considering sunni prospects. I really don't want to do this as the ahlulbayt are my everything but also, a woman has needs.

Any suggestions on how I can meet a good, decent guy?

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There are really good guys out there so don't give up. I personally don't think going for Sunnis is a good thing to do, even if he is a great guy. Think about your future kids. 

Do you mean that out of all the guys you've met no one has been interesting to you? Or is it that the ones you like don't like you back? In that case you need to reflect a little on how you are being perceived. Ask family and friends or even acquaintances. They will tell you how you are seen from the outside and that is valuable information for you.

There are certain qualities in a female that most men like. If you have them you'll attract a lot of men. But I wouldn't recommend "faking" them. It's better to have them for real and just be genuine.

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On 12/15/2018 at 5:43 PM, HopefulBeliever said:

Salam alakum,

I already feel ridiculous writing this post but I would genuinely like to hear other people's thoughts/ experiences. I have actively been looking for a husband over the past couple of years via online match-making sites. Also, my parents have introduced me to some random prospects, I've asked some close friends if they know anybody and nothing has seem to come of it.

Most guys I've spoken to (generally in their 20s) cannot keep a conversation going, don't have any intellectual interest in Islam or are simply don't seem interested in genuinely settling any time soon or are simply not interested.

I am not bad-looking, I practice my faith in a committed but balanced manner, I am relatively smart so I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I am also open to guys with different backgrounds and am not too fussed about looks.

Do guys in their 20s generally not want to settle down? Am I expecting too much of a guy to have an intellectual and interesting conversation? Perhaps guys are put off by a confident girl? Am I missing something?

I am starting to give up and am close to considering sunni prospects. I really don't want to do this as the ahlulbayt are my everything but also, a woman has needs.

Any suggestions on how I can meet a good, decent guy?

It looks you don't live in a densely Shia-populated region. Usually where I live (India and most of the South East Asia has the same practice), its the responsibility of women of the house (including the close relatives) to find a spouse for the man/woman who wants to get married.

And as you said your Mom has brought you some random people. Try to socialize much. I can't believe a Social girl doesn't receives much proposals. My sisters started receiving proposals as early as when they turned 19. Not saying to demoralize you but just showing the impact of socializing.

Also make sincere dua to Allah. I know one of the sisters (who was a school friend as well), she really wanted to get married and all her sisters got married, even the younger ones, and she really was smart, intellectual, practicing Muslimah and good-looking but was unable to find the right match.

And recently I received some updates from his brother about her potential husband coming into the picture. 

So its just that patience sometimes brings you more sweet of a fruit so PLEASE SAY NO TO SUNNI , you are calling on a real danger Remember this.!! but that doesn't means you ust give up searching the right guy. Remember Allah is ALL-WATCHING. He hasn't left you even for a second. So Trust His plans and don't digress from the right path. InshaALlah we all will make dua for you to get married with a great guy asap.

Be patient and keep the search on.   

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in our area mothers used to do this..my parents did found me one
i wouldve considered checking this proposal but since after converting my marriage is about to be cancelled and maybe i would be disinherited whoknows..so i cant afford it for some years due to both money and huge  family problems....and maybe i have to commit muta with divorced women
but i know there are many out there who are settled and wish to get married..let me check here if anyones interested..if i find him genuinely interested i will bring him here inshallah
but dont just adhere to this prospect and abandon your search..i may not be sucessful..may Allah grant your wishes for the sake of piety his apostle muhammad s.a.w and wali imam ali a.s and Fatima a.s
allahuma sallay ala muhammadiu wa alehee

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17 hours ago, HopefulBeliever said:

Salam alakum,

I already feel ridiculous writing this post but I would genuinely like to hear other people's thoughts/ experiences. I have actively been looking for a husband over the past couple of years via online match-making sites. Also, my parents have introduced me to some random prospects, I've asked some close friends if they know anybody and nothing has seem to come of it.

Most guys I've spoken to (generally in their 20s) cannot keep a conversation going, don't have any intellectual interest in Islam or are simply don't seem interested in genuinely settling any time soon or are simply not interested.

I am not bad-looking, I practice my faith in a committed but balanced manner, I am relatively smart so I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I am also open to guys with different backgrounds and am not too fussed about looks.

Do guys in their 20s generally not want to settle down? Am I expecting too much of a guy to have an intellectual and interesting conversation? Perhaps guys are put off by a confident girl? Am I missing something?

I am starting to give up and am close to considering sunni prospects. I really don't want to do this as the ahlulbayt are my everything but also, a woman has needs.

Any suggestions on how I can meet a good, decent guy?

You sound mature enough at your age to get married. You will find majority of men in their twenties to be immature. You should seek a gentleman that has had more life experience. If you go on Muslimina.com site you will find women considering men over 20 years older than them. Its actually a natural thing and been going throughout human history. 

Edited by Murtaza1

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18 minutes ago, Aflower said:

I'm sure all the divorced muslim women are waiting for you! Not. Height of ignorance and disrespect.

i said maybe..but i heard its prohibited to do with virgins
plus if u got other options do state ..
what should i do?
and why u think marriage is disrespectful? that shows your ignorance
marriage gives respect 
and i didnt said they are waiting for u so u either ignored what i wrote that again shows your ignorancy or u deliberately lied
nothing i wrote is wrong
 

Edited by Waleed Tariq

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1 hour ago, Aflower said:

I'm sure all the divorced muslim women are waiting for you! Not. Height of ignorance and disrespect.

I agree with you. Sadly there are women that will never find it easy to trust a man again. Several women have told me the man they married only married them for a British passport for many years turned out to hide this secret and left them without a note. Its really sad. 

Edited by Murtaza1

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3 minutes ago, Murtaza1 said:

I agree with you. Sadly there are women that will never find it easy to trust a man again. Several women have told me the man they married only married them for a British passport for many years turned out to hide this secret and left them without a note. Its really sad. 

jeez i didnt meant it that way ..but thanks for reminding me not there are everytype of people in every community..i thought alot big about shias..from now on i will not be so open and use political correctness

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11 minutes ago, Waleed Tariq said:

jeez i didnt meant it that way ..but thanks for reminding me not there are everytype of people in every community..i thought alot big about shias..from now on i will not be so open and use political correctness

You are right good and bad are everywhere 

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On 12/16/2018 at 2:31 PM, Murtaza1 said:

You are right good and bad are everywhere 

maybe u misunderstood me..i meant i would not be open again just because some people like u and that id above will go on mocking a sunnah
maybe read my post again why i said that
maybe i will not do it or maybe i will do it
but its so low of her to ignore everything and just takeout a part of sentence

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21 hours ago, HopefulBeliever said:

Salam alakum,

I already feel ridiculous writing this post but I would genuinely like to hear other people's thoughts/ experiences. I have actively been looking for a husband over the past couple of years via online match-making sites. Also, my parents have introduced me to some random prospects, I've asked some close friends if they know anybody and nothing has seem to come of it.

Most guys I've spoken to (generally in their 20s) cannot keep a conversation going, don't have any intellectual interest in Islam or are simply don't seem interested in genuinely settling any time soon or are simply not interested.

I am not bad-looking, I practice my faith in a committed but balanced manner, I am relatively smart so I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I am also open to guys with different backgrounds and am not too fussed about looks.

Do guys in their 20s generally not want to settle down? Am I expecting too much of a guy to have an intellectual and interesting conversation? Perhaps guys are put off by a confident girl? Am I missing something?

I am starting to give up and am close to considering sunni prospects. I really don't want to do this as the ahlulbayt are my everything but also, a woman has needs.

Any suggestions on how I can meet a good, decent guy?

Be patient and don't give up hope.

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On 12/16/2018 at 12:18 AM, Carlzone said:

There are really good guys out there so don't give up. I personally don't think going for Sunnis is a good thing to do, even if he is a great guy. Think about your future kids. 

Do you mean that out of all the guys you've met no one has been interesting to you? Or is it that the ones you like don't like you back? In that case you need to reflect a little on how you are being perceived. Ask family and friends or even acquaintances. They will tell you how you are seen from the outside and that is valuable information for you.

There are certain qualities in a female that most men like. If you have them you'll attract a lot of men. But I wouldn't recommend "faking" them. It's better to have them for real and just be genuine.

Of course, marrying a sunni is a last resort particularly because of the issue of raising children.

Yes, all of the guys I've met but just don't seem to know how to keep a conversation going or have any interests outside of the gym or shisha. I've met plenty of interesting non- muslim non-shia guys in my life but all the prospective men have been dull and in-inspiring. Probably just my luck or maybe all the good guys are taken, lol. Tbh a lot of my beautiful, intelligent, practicing friends are single and it really boggles my mind.

Like you said I can't fake my personality and don't want to. Alhamdilalah I get on with the majority of people and am very sociable so my qualities can't be that unattractive surely. Also I've noticed an interesting juxtaposition (if you can call it that)- many men want a sexy, attractive woman but want a super, hijabi, modest woman... so when you share pics they assume you're one and not the other. You can't win.

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On 12/16/2018 at 4:44 PM, Murtaza1 said:

You sound mature enough at your age to get married. You will find majority of men in their twenties to be immature. You should seek a gentleman that has had more life experience. If you go on Muslimina.com site you will find women considering men over 20 years older than them. Its actually a natural thing and been going throughout human history. 

I'm ok thank you. Marrying somebody my father's age is a tad disturbing. Also, the generational gap is too much- our mentalities would be very different. Even the imams recognise the differences and gaps between generations.

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On 12/16/2018 at 2:14 AM, Waseem162 said:

It looks you don't live in a densely Shia-populated region. Usually where I live (India and most of the South East Asia has the same practice), its the responsibility of women of the house (including the close relatives) to find a spouse for the man/woman who wants to get married.
 

And as you said your Mom has brought you some random people. Try to socialize much. I can't believe a Social girl doesn't receives much proposals. My sisters started receiving proposals as early as when they turned 19. Not saying to demoralize you but just showing the impact of socializing.

Also make sincere dua to Allah. I know one of the sisters (who was a school friend as well), she really wanted to get married and all her sisters got married, even the younger ones, and she really was smart, intellectual, practicing Muslimah and good-looking but was unable to find the right match.

And recently I received some updates from his brother about her potential husband coming into the picture. 

 

So its just that patience sometimes brings you more sweet of a fruit so PLEASE SAY NO TO SUNNI , you are calling on a real danger Remember this.!! but that doesn't means you ust give up searching the right guy. Remember Allah is ALL-WATCHING. He hasn't left you even for a second. So Trust His plans and don't digress from the right path. InshaALlah we all will make dua for you to get married with a great guy asap.

Be patient and keep the search on.   

Thank you for your response. I actually live in London- probably one of the most diverse, shia packed city outside of muslim countries. My issue is just the quality men available for marriage.

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54 minutes ago, HopefulBeliever said:

I'm ok thank you. Marrying somebody my father's age is a tad disturbing. Also, the generational gap is too much- our mentalities would be very different. Even the imams recognise the differences and gaps between generations.

I do understand your perspective but everybody is different. It works well for many even in the west Hollywood actor George Clooney married a Pakistani female twenty years his junior and they are still together. As far as generation gap is concerned it also depends on each individual. Not everybody follows the same culture, two people from different generations can be very compatible if they share similar personalities based on their life experiences e.g. There are people that dont follow the news or popular culture, their minds are not shaped by the latest A-list celebrities these days, they dont know who the celebrities are, but they do share similar family and religious values, such couples can be very compatible regardless of their age. Remember the prophet (peace be upon him) married Aisha (pbuh) when she was young too. Its all about maturity and life experience. 

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On 12/17/2018 at 1:19 PM, HopefulBeliever said:

Of course, marrying a sunni is a last resort particularly because of the issue of raising children.

Yes, all of the guys I've met but just don't seem to know how to keep a conversation going or have any interests outside of the gym or shisha. I've met plenty of interesting non- muslim non-shia guys in my life but all the prospective men have been dull and in-inspiring. Probably just my luck or maybe all the good guys are taken, lol. Tbh a lot of my beautiful, intelligent, practicing friends are single and it really boggles my mind.

Like you said I can't fake my personality and don't want to. Alhamdilalah I get on with the majority of people and am very sociable so my qualities can't be that unattractive surely. Also I've noticed an interesting juxtaposition (if you can call it that)- many men want a sexy, attractive woman but want a super, hijabi, modest woman... so when you share pics they assume you're one and not the other. You can't win.

How are you meeting these guys? 

My experience is that if you go via relatives or friends you get extremely boring guys. 

Almost all people (young people) I know who are happily married met their partner themselves somewhere (like work or school) or online. Personally I believe this is more appropriate for us who grew up in the west. You basically want to know and click with the guy you are going to marry, right? You don't want a guy who looks good on paper while in reality you'd rather jump before a train than to marry him, or am I wrong? Our generation is not like our parents. 

Anyway. I'd say, get to know yourself, be happy and enjoy life. When the time is right the right guy will come along. And hey, there's not only one "right guy". You can match with many different men so don't worry if it doesn't work out with the one you thought was the right one. 

Also, don't get stressed about your age. I honestly get looots more proposals now than when I was younger. And from way better and mature guys alhamdolillah. I'm the one who's dumping them over minor incompatibilities. 

But as I said, get to know yourself and become the woman that the type of man you want would like to marry.  

And trust Allah SWT. 

Also, there's no contradiction between being sexy, attractive and a hijabi. But there's a time and place for everything. 

Wear correct hijab, don't wear makeup. I know some sisters believe that you'll attract better men by showing your zeena but I don't agree, not only because it's haram, but you will actually attract the wrong type of man. 

You want a religious guy who has gheera and will not approve of his wife not following the correct hijab. 

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6 hours ago, HopefulBeliever said:

Thank you for your response. I actually live in London- probably one of the most diverse, shia packed city outside of muslim countries. My issue is just the quality men available for marriage.

Just think like this dear sister - Everything GOOD comes with patience.  We all here are for test. And we all are tested every second of our lives. Put your Trust in Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى.

The ONE who created you and is fully aware of your state and needs. Pray to him alot. I mean ALOT. Sometimes Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى keeps away His material blessings from a person to make that person come to Him, beg Him and spend time with Him. Go to Him and InshaAllah He will provide you. He is Khayyr ur Razeqeen. He is your Lord. Your Creator, Cherisher and your Sustainer.

Keep your search and Rely on Allah's Wisdom. 

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Assalamu alaikum,

Dear sister,

Don't lose hope. If Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى is delaying things for you, there must be something good waiting for you at the end.

I don't know that well about women in the mid- twenties, but for us men, 20-25 is an awkward phase (I myself fall within this age group). It's a confused state of mind to be in. We instinctively feel that we are no longer boys, and we also know that we are yet not quite men either. In their mid- twenties, most men have just finished their education and are looking for jobs and financial stability. It's a sudden realization of their familial responsibilities that strikes them. For most of us this is a rough patch to navigate through, especially if we have had protective parents and an overprotected upbringing. Trust me, guys this age don't even seriously know what marriage is. They are attracted to women, and they crave female companionship, but they are afraid of committing, and the responsibilities that it entails. They are just not in the right frame of mind to settle down, because deep down they know they are yet not matured enough for the task.

Consider relaxing the age limit a bit. Include men in their late twenties in your list. 3-4 years of age gap won't make that big a difference. I am convinced that men take longer to mature than women.

What kind of intellectual pursuits are you interested in? Have you considered joining any related clubs/societies?

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7 hours ago, Carlzone said:

Also, don't get stressed about your age. I honestly get looots more proposals now than when I was younger. And from way better and mature guys alhamdolillah. I'm the one who's dumping them over minor incompatibilities. 

Right on you got that right allhamdulilah 

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1 hour ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

Trust me, guys this age don't even seriously know what marriage is. They are attracted to women, and they crave female companionship, but they are afraid of committing, and the responsibilities that it entails. They are just not in the right frame of mind to settle down, because deep down they know they are yet not matured enough for the task.

Consider relaxing the age limit a bit. Include men in their late twenties in your list. 3-4 years of age gap won't make that big a difference. I am convinced that men take longer to mature than women.

I totaly agree with you. I think stepping outside the box and experiencing more age diversity is very essential for a well developed personality. 

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On 12/17/2018 at 3:22 PM, Carlzone said:

How are you meeting these guys? 

My experience is that if you go via relatives or friends you get extremely boring guys. 

Almost all people (young people) I know who are happily married met their partner themselves somewhere (like work or school) or online. Personally I believe this is more appropriate for us who grew up in the west. You basically want to know and click with the guy you are going to marry, right? You don't want a guy who looks good on paper while in reality you'd rather jump before a train than to marry him, or am I wrong? Our generation is not like our parents. 

Anyway. I'd say, get to know yourself, be happy and enjoy life. When the time is right the right guy will come along. And hey, there's not only one "right guy". You can match with many different men so don't worry if it doesn't work out with the one you thought was the right one. 

Also, don't get stressed about your age. I honestly get looots more proposals now than when I was younger. And from way better and mature guys alhamdolillah. I'm the one who's dumping them over minor incompatibilities. 

But as I said, get to know yourself and become the woman that the type of man you want would like to marry.  

 And trust Allah SWT. 

Also, there's no contradiction between being sexy, attractive and a hijabi. But there's a time and place for everything. 

 Wear correct hijab, don't wear makeup. I know some sisters believe that you'll attract better men by showing your zeena but I don't agree, not only because it's haram, but you will actually attract the wrong type of man. 

You want a religious guy who has gheera and will not approve of his wife not following the correct hijab. 

 

21 hours ago, AbdusSibtayn said:

Consider relaxing the age limit a bit. Include men in their late twenties in your list. 3-4 years of age gap won't make that big a difference. I am convinced that men take longer to mature than women.

What kind of intellectual pursuits are you interested in? Have you considered joining any related clubs/societies?

Salam alakum, I appreciate your responses. I have become a lot more flexible with age- even considering guys 8-9 years older as I now realise older guys are more likely to be mature and want to settle down. Although the older the guy the more I start to think that he may have messed around in haram relationships if he has never settled. Anyhow- that's a discussion for another day and I am giving these guys a chance. 

I am also looking for men online on various match-making websites... I am very active in the community and have many interests but very rarely do you get anybody approaching you if they're interested/ looking for marriage- when were muslim men ever gutsy enough to do that (with class i.e. not being creep).

With regards to waiting for when I'm older for proposals it's less about my "fear" of not meeting somebody later in life it's about my fear of not meeting somebody soon and committing haram as a result of this. I do appreciate your reassurances though.

Thank you all for your kind words and support- they have been helpful.

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Oh, I thought you were stressed about your age. But of course you can meet the right guy at any point of time. InshaAllah it happens soon for you as you're afraid of commiting haram. 

It's great that you're doing your part. Leave the rest with Allah SWT. 

Personally I'm not so sure about marrying 8-9 years older men being a good thing. But that is because I came across marriage statistics during my university studies and apparently the marriages that last the longest are those closest in age. Of course there are exceptions but in general this is the case. 

Also, the older a couple are when marrying - the higher the likelihood that the marriage will last. Perhaps this is not so strange because people mature and get to know themselves and what they are looking for better as they get older.

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1 hour ago, Carlzone said:

Personally I'm not so sure about marrying 8-9 years older men being a good thing. But that is because I came across marriage statistics during my university studies and apparently the marriages that last the longest are those closest in age. Of course there are exceptions but in general this is the case. 

Where was that study made? Like in middle east or the west, etc?

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Salam alaikum

It feels like you have read my mind and written my heart out. I am going through the exact phase of life and same issues. To top it up, I’ve an elder sister who is also single so I am expected to wait until it is my turn. Unfortunately we’re living in the worst times and it is very difficult to find a religious, responsible and mature partner.

Consider yourself as the cream of the society since very few of us youth are so god conscious and practising shia. I take pride in myself alhamdullilah. Never compromise in choosing a right partner because this person is meant to complete our faith. Marrying a someone who isn’t on the right path will just satisfy your desires but not serve the real purpose of marriage. Once your desires have been fulfilled, regrets will start kicking in as to why you chose someone who isn’t on the right path. Try to fast as much as you can.

I can only advice you to hang in there and trust Allah and insha Allah he will help us both and every sincere person who is trying to get married for his sake. Reach me out if you feel like talking to someone who is sailing in the same boat.

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5 hours ago, HopefulBeliever said:

I now realise older guys are more likely to be mature and want to settle down. Although the older the guy the more I start to think that he may have messed around in haram relationships if he has never settled.

Thats good but dont judge a book by its cover because as an older guy myself i can reassure you not all of us get married or mess around even though I look and feel much younger for my age. 

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53 minutes ago, IbnSina said:

Where was that study made? Like in middle east or the west, etc?

I don't remember. Most likely the U.S. or Europe as most studies we read were made there. But normally we were told about different patterns in other parts of the world, if such differences existed. I therefor expect the same pattern in the middle East. 

Also - I know that I have linked to Islamic literature that says that islamically we are recommended to marry someone about the same age as ourselves or for females (tops 4 years older). I'll try to find it and post it again InshaAllah. But first I'm gonna eat my chocolate cake and drink my tea. :)

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1 hour ago, IbnSina said:

Where was that study made? Like in middle east or the west, etc?

Tada! Here it is:

 

 

Seems like islam, just like the statistics I came across at the university, supports picking someone about the same age as oneself:

 

"Does Islam focus on the sameness of age for a girl and a boy who wants to marry each other?

Yes, being about the same age is one of the factors considered for matching of wife and the husband. Of course, girls naturally reach adolescence 4 years sooner than boys. This difference between men and women is natural and physiologic accordingly, it is focused in Islam that the spouse should be either of the same age or the age gap between them should not be more than 4 years and since thetension and pressure on women are more than that on men during the struggle of life it is preferable that the age of woman be less than that of the husband."

 

https://www.al-islam.org/articles/womans-dignity-words-amir-ul-muminin-ali-ibn-abi-talib-abbas-ali-shameli

Edited by Carlzone

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and I didnt said they are waiting for u so u either ignored what I wrote that again shows your ignorancy or u deliberately lied
nothing I wrote is wrong

I'm married. But in any case, with your lack of manners, I can't imagine any woman ever consenting to marry you; be that mutah or nikah.  

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