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Am I looking for the wrong things in a wife?

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I want a wife with whom I can discuss intellectual things. To discuss ahadith, kalam, history etc. I want someone who gives importance to picking up books and reading. I don't want just a worshipper who isn't a geek. I want a shia geek as a wife. A sheikh told me I am looking for the impossible because women are less into intellectual things than men. They only study when they are in institutions and wont do it alone. They get good grades at school but outside of it they dont read books about really tough subjects. Then I came to shiachat and saw all the intellectual posters are men! Women post about family, marriage, politics etc. Where are the women intellectuals? Where are you??? Why are all the rijalists on sc men?

Now I think I am looking for the wrong thing because women have good traits which men dont have. Maybe being a geek is a good trait for a man then what should I look for in a woman? What sets aside a good woman form an ordinary one? 

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Intellectual compatibility is extremely, extremely important, speaking from my own personal experience if you don't have it, you will find it difficult and run into a lot of problems. Besides being intellectually incompatible, also understand that people who are intellectual tend to value time to themselves to read, reflect on things, to learn something new etc. People that aren't often will not understand your need for this time if they don't have it within themselves to be more intellectual minded etc. and will expect you to devote that time to them.

Edited by Mohamed1993

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57 minutes ago, Guest man asking said:

I want a wife with whom I can discuss intellectual things. To discuss ahadith, kalam, history etc. I want someone who gives importance to picking up books and reading. I don't want just a worshipper who isn't a geek. I want a shia geek as a wife. A sheikh told me I am looking for the impossible because women are less into intellectual things than men. They only study when they are in institutions and wont do it alone. They get good grades at school but outside of it they dont read books about really tough subjects. Then I came to shiachat and saw all the intellectual posters are men! Women post about family, marriage, politics etc. Where are the women intellectuals? Where are you??? Why are all the rijalists on sc men?

Now I think I am looking for the wrong thing because women have good traits which men dont have. Maybe being a geek is a good trait for a man then what should I look for in a woman? What sets aside a good woman form an ordinary one? 

Bro of course there are intellectual women! It’s just they’re also given the pressure of all the others things you mentioned. Moreso then than the betterment of intellect, women majority wise have to give up careers for family and now they’re entire world is focusing on family and children...Count yourself lucky because those are pressures you likely haven’t faced...

so some women have to suppress their intellectual sides in order to please their family and spouse too. Some men don’t like hearing a woman’s opinion and honestly you have to be real a lot of men have ego problems, so women see these folks more than people like you

like the brother above mentioned, ask and pray for a significant other who will engage with you on topics you both like, and if you do find her then reassure you see her as an equal and will take to heart her opinions and intellect 

Edited by Ralvi

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Salam

I don’t think you’re looking for the “wrong thing” at all. It’s actually very admirable that you’re looking for these traits in a spouse. It’s important you look for things that are important to you because you will spend your life with this person-you need to be able to talk about the things you like with her. I think one of the major reasons there are less females like this or it’s less visible in females is because it’s not encouraged. Men are more encouraged in every culture to educate themselves and be “thinkers” and intellectuals. Often, women are discouraged from studying too much or becoming too knowledgeable and having too many opinions (like another poster has said). There are still places all over the world where women are not allowed to even study. The ones who do study are told they’ll end up having to stay home and become homemakers anyway so there’s no point in going above and beyond (at least I’ve seen this a lot in my culture). With that said, I have met many women who have all the qualities you mentioned so I don’t think it’s impossible. However you may need to be less focused on just these qualities. Don’t be disheartened, but don’t rule out people because they may not exactly what you wanted. Often we are too rigid and we’ve had too many fantasies of the perfect spouse in our heads for too long and we miss out on great people. Sometimes someone opposite of what we wanted becomes the perfect one for us. I hope I’ve been able to help in even the slightest way. May Allah help you in your search.  

Edited by eloquence

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:salam:

You are looking for the wrong kind of woman. It is one thing to be educated about religion and be well-informed or well-read, but the way you are describing it, you want someone who's life passion is to go deep into these subjects. Most married men don't have time for this extent of religious acquaintance, let alone a wife who will eventually become a mother. Your priority should be to look for qualities that will make her a good wife (her morals, etiquettes, her looks etc.), and eventually a good mother. If you do happen to find a wife who is a mixture of both, then that is great for you. However, her knowledge of complicated theological matters, historical details or analysis of hadith and Rijal should by no means be a priority when looking for a wife. In other words, don't look for study-buddy, look for a wife.

And for the member who suggested marry a girl from the seminaries in Qom, then you'd be surprised to know that most girls are actually not that intellectual or complicated in their understanding of religion even after studying in the seminary.

PS - I am married with 3 kids.

Wasalam

Edited by Ibn al-Hussain

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In the last 10 years, I've met maybe 3 women who shared those interests. For 2 of them, it was a passing interest / fad. Yes, there are some social barriers for women to study these sciences, but in general, there just aren't many women interested in kalam and rijal. And that's okay - I've met plenty of very spiritual women who pray, memorize, teach, attend the mosque regularly, and have strong relationships with Ahl al-Bayt. Their religiosity often comes in the form of personal devotion. The key is to take someone religious, but people express their religion in different ways and capacities.

The Quran describes the spouse as a source of sukoon and libas. This means that your spouse should give you quiet of mind, peace at heart, safety and security, and dignity. So marry someone who you think will be a good spouse and a good mother. Her hobbies are pretty secondary/tertiary. If she's a resident `alima and you want that, that's great, go for it. But like you noted, it is rare, and no person will have everything.

I used to look for the same when I was much younger, but then I found those things in my parents, shuyukh, my Muslim and Shia brothers, and my self; and alhamdulillah I am mostly fulfilled in that area.

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41 minutes ago, Guest man asking said:

I want a wife with whom I can discuss intellectual things. To discuss ahadith, kalam, history etc. I want someone who gives importance to picking up books and reading. I don't want just a worshipper who isn't a geek. I want a shia geek as a wife. A sheikh told me I am looking for the impossible because women are less into intellectual things than men. They only study when they are in institutions and wont do it alone. They get good grades at school but outside of it they dont read books about really tough subjects. Then I came to shiachat and saw all the intellectual posters are men! Women post about family, marriage, politics etc. Where are the women intellectuals? Where are you??? Why are all the rijalists on sc men?

Now I think I am looking for the wrong thing because women have good traits which men dont have. Maybe being a geek is a good trait for a man then what should I look for in a woman? What sets aside a good woman form an ordinary one? 

Assalam o alaikum

Respected brother,

Hope you are fine in shaALLAH.

I would suggest you from personal experience.

In Fajr prayer, after salah, just supplicate to Allah to give you a religious wife who is intellectual.

You will get if it is better for you.

Just try this for sometime.

Allah kareem.

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8 minutes ago, King said:

lol this is going to trigger a bunch of females.

Look at the post objectively, and try to understand what a woman might go through when all pressures are on women to conform.

women will just not win, when change is needed women are expected to bring it and keep it, if someone does something wrong the women must have done something wrong for it have happened that way...there are a lot pressures women face and they often don’t share their burdens becuase they feel no one will listen. Unfortunately history proves this

iam not talking about snowflakes and buttheart third wave feminism people. But legitimate concerns and experiences women face of all cultures and religions

Edited by Ralvi

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5 hours ago, Guest man asking said:

I want a wife with whom I can discuss intellectual things. To discuss ahadith, kalam, history etc. I want someone who gives importance to picking up books and reading. I don't want just a worshipper who isn't a geek. I want a shia geek as a wife. A sheikh told me I am looking for the impossible because women are less into intellectual things than men. They only study when they are in institutions and wont do it alone. They get good grades at school but outside of it they dont read books about really tough subjects. Then I came to shiachat and saw all the intellectual posters are men! Women post about family, marriage, politics etc. Where are the women intellectuals? Where are you??? Why are all the rijalists on sc men?

Now I think I am looking for the wrong thing because women have good traits which men dont have. Maybe being a geek is a good trait for a man then what should I look for in a woman? What sets aside a good woman form an ordinary one? 

I think in general there are men and woman with the qualities you mentioned, but may be woman are less than men in this point. you can ask Allah to give you the suitable and religious spouse.

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Guest Guest

Salaams,

I absolutely don’t think you’re seeking the wrong qualities in a wife. As a woman, I too believe that intellectual stimulation is a supremely important quality in a spouse. In fact, a successful marriage is built on this very foundation, in which your spouse pushes you to develop a more profound understanding and love of Islam and together the two of you strive to achieve greater Ma’arifat. 

Also, I am a little surprised that the Sheikh suggested the seeming impossibility of this. It certainly isn’t impossible, perhaps difficult. It is a rather common challenge in finding a spouse who shares the same level of compatibility and understanding regardless of gender. Know that there is someone out there for you who is also seeking the same thing. I truly hope that you find what you’re looking for iA! 

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7 hours ago, Guest man asking said:

I want a wife with whom I can discuss intellectual things. To discuss ahadith, kalam, history etc. I want someone who gives importance to picking up books and reading. I don't want just a worshipper who isn't a geek. I want a shia geek as a wife. A sheikh told me I am looking for the impossible because women are less into intellectual things than men. They only study when they are in institutions and wont do it alone. They get good grades at school but outside of it they dont read books about really tough subjects. Then I came to shiachat and saw all the intellectual posters are men! Women post about family, marriage, politics etc. Where are the women intellectuals? Where are you??? Why are all the rijalists on sc men?

Now I think I am looking for the wrong thing because women have good traits which men dont have. Maybe being a geek is a good trait for a man then what should I look for in a woman? What sets aside a good woman form an ordinary one? 

If you want that type of women then avoid having kids at all costs. Because she will spend her whole life taking care of your kids and etc. finding these kind of women is rare in our time if you’re interested in them type of women. Usually really smart women tend to be childfree but not all of them so your best bet is still look for a women that’s studying a really hard and tough subject then ask her how interested is she on Shi’a Islam’s history and etc and also ask her if she’s chilfree before going any further, like I said not all of them are planing to be childfree. I forgot to mention, you should consider your sex drive if you ever find a girl that meets your standards. Having kids will take away those standards and also unfortunately birth control is not 100% effective my advice for is its better to be safe then sorry it’s better for you to abstain from any sexual relations if you can. If your capable of suppress your sexual desires then you have nothing to lose. 

There’s a male birthcontrol that’s being developed which is smillair to No scalp vasectomy except a gel is inserted inside the vas deferens which Will block parts of the semen that’s responsible for getting a women pregnant and it is to be 100% effective. The company vaselgel are asking for donations to get their testing to the final stage. If this was out the it make many life’s much better and less miserable. 

Edited by Anonymous2144

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Two things:

1]  l do not know what your age is, but you can try looking around Qom and other religious schools. Also advertise for a "geek".

2] l did the same. My ex's degrees are in lsIamic Law.  lt doesn't work out as you hope -and l did.  The closest one to you description that l have met is a Muslima the women nicknamed "Abu Hanifa". She can even walk through a supermarket and tell you which items are halal and healthier(secular sense) because she can remember their contents.

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12 hours ago, Guest man asking said:

I want a wife with whom I can discuss intellectual things. To discuss ahadith, kalam, history etc. I want someone who gives importance to picking up books and reading. I don't want just a worshipper who isn't a geek. I want a shia geek as a wife. A sheikh told me I am looking for the impossible because women are less into intellectual things than men. They only study when they are in institutions and wont do it alone. They get good grades at school but outside of it they dont read books about really tough subjects. Then I came to shiachat and saw all the intellectual posters are men! Women post about family, marriage, politics etc. Where are the women intellectuals? Where are you??? Why are all the rijalists on sc men?

Now I think I am looking for the wrong thing because women have good traits which men dont have. Maybe being a geek is a good trait for a man then what should I look for in a woman? What sets aside a good woman form an ordinary one? 

It not impossible but if there you get a girl with such intellect, but there is possibility that she might even consider you a geek due to your opinions and you both get an unpleasant life. So, I think opposite would do better. :party:

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I don't think your preference is unreasonable, as long as you don't mind significantly narrowing your options. 

Here is something to consider: if a woman is vocal or opinionated, often her femininity is questioned. In our culture, women are not encouraged to speak up even if they are knowledgeable. You might already know a suitable intellectual, and not know it. 

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Don’t look for those things, instead look for aptitude.

Is she a reader type, that’s all you should care about? But more than that a close friend of mine recently told me about AAA of the marriage when she was looking for marrying her son. 

A: Akhlaq; A: Aptitude; A: Azadari 

She did find a good daughter in law. 

In spouse selection, go for the core traits, everything else comes out from it. 

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Oops hit submit button too fast.

Marriage is not about finding a person who is perfect match for you. It’s more about growing together into that match together. And that too only for important things. Otherwise differences in thinking is a blessing. Like mindedness is boring. 

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9 hours ago, Ibn al-Hussain said:

then you'd be surprised to know that most girls are actually not that intellectual or complicated in their understanding of religion even after studying in the seminary.

Do yo have any objective data to back this? If anything if you would want to make a generilization this could be true for both men and women, that assertion would make more sense then because probability wise that might actually be the case 

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17 hours ago, Waleed Tariq said:

well u can marry a younger wife from religious background and u can teach and develop her interest in religion

Dude grooming is gross, unless you can guarantee you won’t knock her up. I have a family member who had this happened to her, it took away her freedom for education 

no grooming not in the 21st century anyway, motives are very questionable 

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15 hours ago, hasanhh said:

Two things:

1]  l do not know what your age is, but you can try looking around Qom and other religious schools. Also advertise for a "geek".

2] l did the same. My ex's degrees are in lsIamic Law.  lt doesn't work out as you hope -and l did.  The closest one to you description that l have met is a Muslima the women nicknamed "Abu Hanifa". She can even walk through a supermarket and tell you which items are halal and healthier(secular sense) because she can remember their contents.

Lol Abu hanifa that’s funny and so odd

good for her I guess

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Guest Annoyed Shia Geek.

Salam.

I'm not even going to bother reading the rest of the answers, but respond to your question directly: we exist. I'm a girl and a 'Shia geek' and so are my closest friends. Won't go into the details, but we love to read, have proper discussions, explore Islam, etc.---in both academic and spiritual contexts. I'm about to begin my masters next year inshallah, and plan on doing a PhD, too, inshallah, so.. yeah.

You find people like us when you move around in circles that contain people like us; more likely to find us in the library, or Islamic Studies related classes/programs/groups etc., rather than.. wherever else.

Also, I am astounded and disgusted at the extremely ignorant comment about girls made by this 'sheikh' you mention. What on earth? Just pray you find a pious wife like that, and inshallah God will make a way.

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On 12/13/2018 at 6:12 PM, Guest man asking said:

want a wife with whom I can discuss intellectual things. To discuss ahadith, kalam, history etc.

yes, you are looking for the wrong thing imo.

it might be cute and all at first, but after a while you're going to want her to be quiet more than anything =P

but really, you aren't going to care much for this aspect after a while, other far more important things to look for in a wife.

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On 12/14/2018 at 11:44 AM, notme said:

Here is something to consider: if a woman is vocal or opinionated, often her femininity is questioned. In our culture, women are not encouraged to speak up even if they are knowledgeable. You might already know a suitable intellectual, and not know it. 

Then why are they vocal and opinionated about all these other subjects? Marriage, social and gender issues etc? I really think they read less intellectual books than men do.Women on sc are vocal about soft subjects but too shy about kalam and tafseer? Yes I met a few intellectual women but they were not shia.

 

23 hours ago, Qa'im said:

In the last 10 years, I've met maybe 3 women who shared those interests. For 2 of them, it was a passing interest / fad. Yes, there are some social barriers for women to study these sciences, but in general, there just aren't many women interested in kalam and rijal. And that's okay - I've met plenty of very spiritual women who pray, memorize, teach, attend the mosque regularly, and have strong relationships with Ahl al-Bayt. Their religiosity often comes in the form of personal devotion. The key is to take someone religious, but people express their religion in different ways and capacities.

The Quran describes the spouse as a source of sukoon and libas. This means that your spouse should give you quiet of mind, peace at heart, safety and security, and dignity. So marry someone who you think will be a good spouse and a good mother. Her hobbies are pretty secondary/tertiary. If she's a resident `alima and you want that, that's great, go for it. But like you noted, it is rare, and no person will have everything.

I used to look for the same when I was much younger, but then I found those things in my parents, shuyukh, my Muslim and Shia brothers, and my self; and alhamdulillah I am mostly fulfilled in that area.

I can't do it. I can't marry someone who doesn't value knowledge. Too many ahadeeth condemn worshipers that are jahil. I can't respect a wife that lives life and doesn't even pick up books to read.

 

On 12/14/2018 at 12:09 AM, Ralvi said:

Bro of course there are intellectual women! It’s just they’re also given the pressure of all the others things you mentioned. Moreso then than the betterment of intellect, women majority wise have to give up careers for family and now they’re entire world is focusing on family and children...Count yourself lucky because those are pressures you likely haven’t faced...

so some women have to suppress their intellectual sides in order to please their family and spouse too. Some men don’t like hearing a woman’s opinion and honestly you have to be real a lot of men have ego problems, so women see these folks more than people like you

like the brother above mentioned, ask and pray for a significant other who will engage with you on topics you both like, and if you do find her then reassure you see her as an equal and will take to heart her opinions and intellect 

You misunderstand. I don't care about careers, degrees and doctorates. I care about a wife who reads and studies. No one stopped most women picking up intellectual books in her own time. I work 10 hours a day and I still find time to read at night.

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1 hour ago, Guest man asking said:

Then why are they vocal and opinionated about all these other subjects? Marriage, social and gender issues etc? I really think they read less intellectual books than men do.Women on sc are vocal about soft subjects but too shy about kalam and tafseer? Yes I met a few intellectual women but they were not shia.

 

I can't do it. I can't marry someone who doesn't value knowledge. Too many ahadeeth condemn worshipers that are jahil. I can't respect a wife that lives life and doesn't even pick up books to read.

 

You misunderstand. I don't care about careers, degrees and doctorates. I care about a wife who reads and studies. No one stopped most women picking up intellectual books in her own time. I work 10 hours a day and I still find time to read at night.

Knowledge is a currency. They play a direct role in career and etc. why do you expect the opposite gender to have any less interest than you do? Do you have any female family or any insight into the opposite sex? Please do not put yourself on a pedestal, you can only judge her if you’ve met her and established yourself as someone trustworthy. Women(well pious believing women) will not disclose all of their life details and inter st to you because she is also judging you too. 

I mean really what’s knowledge without curiosity and passion. I think you’ve displayed quite enough that you don’t know what you want whilst expecting more than you can handle 

women and men are not a monolith 

Edited by Ralvi

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