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In the Name of God بسم الله
Guest z5252

Language barrier to marriage

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Guest z5252

Salam Aleykum,

I am a 23 year old girl who live in the UK. I graduated university this year and among other things met a man that I can finally see as my future husband, I am completely and utterly in love with him because he was able to put a smile on my face in a period nobody else could. For my studies I relocated to London alone as a result I stayed here for nearly five years away from my family, meeting occasionally a few times a year. Alhamdullah I am successful in my career and was successful in my studies and I am from a sort of open-minded family hence, the did not mind me staying here to see my future although I am alone and I do feel very lonely at times but they have never pressured me for marriage and I was not ready. However, this has now changed and I am most certain about the guy I have met, he is Shia Muslim from a good family treats me like I deserve but the only issue would be that he is not Arab, like myself. I am from Iraq and he is from Pakistan and this is the only difference between me and him. 

I tried to speak to my mum over the phone just telling her that I am in love and want to get married, she told me off immediately and basically in very simple words told me that SHE will NEVER approve no matter what and that if I desperately wanted to go ahead with the marriage I am more than welcome to but she did not want anything to do with me past that. Now he reasons my mum is furious is that I brought a guy from a completely different country meaning he has different cultures and traditions but also most importantly he will have a MAJOR language barrier with my family as there is NO language in common whatsoever. But to me this isn't an issue body language and eye contact can say more than verbal words. I want my parents approval please advice me, help me, I do not want to get married without their consent. 

How can I convince my father who has never missed a prayer or a day of fasting that rejecting this man because he is not arab is so haram. How can I convince him. If you have had similiar experience please advice.    

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I can't give you the correct answer for your specific family. But what I can tell you is that I have two cousins of both genders (Iraqis) who fell in love with Pakistanis and went against their whole family in order to marry them (I was one of their few if not the only supporter/s) and now after an initial period of drama and turbulence their family has accepted it. 

The prophet saws told us to marry based on deen and akhlaaq. If he has good deen and akhlaaq - fight for him. That is what I would have done. 

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You need to tell your mom that what she does is not approved by Islam and that she is making you live a terrible life. You need to talk to her guilt. We Iraqis tend to focus too much on traditions. Have you told your mom that your friend can easily learn Arabic?

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On 12/7/2018 at 9:17 AM, Guest z5252 said:

Salam Aleykum,

I am a 23 year old girl who live in the UK. I graduated university this year and among other things met a man that I can finally see as my future husband, I am completely and utterly in love with him because he was able to put a smile on my face in a period nobody else could. For my studies I relocated to London alone as a result I stayed here for nearly five years away from my family, meeting occasionally a few times a year. Alhamdullah I am successful in my career and was successful in my studies and I am from a sort of open-minded family hence, the did not mind me staying here to see my future although I am alone and I do feel very lonely at times but they have never pressured me for marriage and I was not ready. However, this has now changed and I am most certain about the guy I have met, he is Shia Muslim from a good family treats me like I deserve but the only issue would be that he is not Arab, like myself. I am from Iraq and he is from Pakistan and this is the only difference between me and him. 

I tried to speak to my mum over the phone just telling her that I am in love and want to get married, she told me off immediately and basically in very simple words told me that SHE will NEVER approve no matter what and that if I desperately wanted to go ahead with the marriage I am more than welcome to but she did not want anything to do with me past that. Now he reasons my mum is furious is that I brought a guy from a completely different country meaning he has different cultures and traditions but also most importantly he will have a MAJOR language barrier with my family as there is NO language in common whatsoever. But to me this isn't an issue body language and eye contact can say more than verbal words. I want my parents approval please advice me, help me, I do not want to get married without their consent. 

How can I convince my father who has never missed a prayer or a day of fasting that rejecting this man because he is not arab is so haram. How can I convince him. If you have had similiar experience please advice.    

Salam, 

Step 1. You need to speak to your father and tell him the situation. BTW, don't start the conversation with 'I am in love with this guy'. That won't be helpful in this particular conversation. Tell you father that you met a guy that you think would make a good husband / potential future father for your children. Talk your potential's religion and good characteristics, such as his kindness, generosity, intelligence, etc. Then tell him that you have made a decision ('you' made the decision) that you are ready to get married and that this is the guy you want to marry for the above reasons. Then tell him that the guy is muslim, Shia, not fasiq, and that he can support you financially (I am assuming you are planning doing zawaj nikah). Make sure you tell him that you have already made this decision, you are just asking for his permission. 

Do not bring up the fact that he is Pakistani from the beginning. After you have told him the above, then ask him, 'Do you have any questions about this man ?'. Of course, since you have told him the other things, probably the first question he is going to ask is 'Is he Arab?'. Who knows, after he heard all these good things about the guy, and that you are firm in your decision, he might not have an objection to the fact that he is not Arab. If he still does, and then refuses to give his permission based on the fact that he is not Arab, then quote the verse to him in the Quran, 'There is no difference between an Arab and a Non Arab except in terms of Taqwa' . Then see what his reaction is. If he still refuses, then go to step 2. I will tell you what step 2 is, if you want to go thru with step 1. 

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Try to make an Aalim talk to your parents as this is not Islamically right to reject someone purely on the basis of cultural differences. 

Also try to make them understand that you will be happy with him this is what marriage is all about. Its you who have to marry and not them.

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On 12/7/2018 at 8:17 AM, Guest z5252 said:

How can I convince my father who has never missed a prayer or a day of fasting that rejecting this man because he is not arab is so haram. How can I convince him. If you have had similiar experience please advice.    

Salaam.

You should use your father's religion in your favor. Hopefully, your guy keeps up his prayers and fasts so tell your dad about this. Also, remind your dad that some Imams married non-Arabs including Imam Mahdi 's mother.

Hopefully that will help.

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On 12/7/2018 at 2:17 PM, Guest z5252 said:

he is from Pakistan and this is the only difference between me and him....If you have had similiar experience please advice.    

I am dating an Arab girl and I am originally from Pakistan but I was born in Belgium and now living in London. I can assure you there is no negative difference, its good to have some differences in order to be compatible so that we can compliment each other's personalities. As long you two have compatible personalities and everything is done under Islamic principles its all good. non of us can say that we are truly what we say we are, i mean e.g. I don't think that most Pakistani people  are 100% fluent in speaking Urdu, We don't represent a race in marriage. I discovered this fact in myself too because I thought I speak fluent Urdu but I am not a traditional speaker, My level of fluency is intermediate

Edited by Murtaza1

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The message of Ahlu Albeit (as) was spread everywhere because they never put boundaries for culture,color or ethnicity . The most important is the religion and the morals. if he got these two , it is haram for your family to stop this marriage. We are followers of the prophet Mohamed and his household (The message of Allah) not our traditions.

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