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In the Name of God بسم الله
Haji 2003

Dear Haji - Questions from your cousin

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Eid Mubarak, here's my gift.

Sometimes you have a personal question to ask, but are embarrassed to do so. To get round this you start your question by saying:

"a cousin of mine has a certain problem and asked if I could ask on their behalf"

This thread saves you the effort of typing out the text in italics. So anything too embarrassing or personal to post elsewhere, just ask away here and we'll automatically know it's coming from your cousin.

Edited by Haji 2003

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@Haji 2003 my neighbor asked me to ask this question on her behalf. 

She just found out that her brother has gotten divorced. Should she "unfriend" his now-ex-wife on social media? She said she was only "Facebook friends" because the woman was family, not because they were actually friends, but she also doesn't want to be rude, especially during a difficult time in the ex-wife's life.  

Can you help my neighbor out? :helpsos: :grin:

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On 11/23/2018 at 11:58 PM, notme said:

Should she "unfriend" his now-ex-wife on social media?

Clearly, your neighbour needs people around her in order to solve many of life's complexities. I'd recommend not unfriending the ex-wife who may, after all, be a future source of answers to other issues that your neighbour may have.

HTH

Next.

Edited by Haji 2003

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We need to change the title of this thread to 'Dear Haji,'.

A distant relative of mine was wondering what the proper etiquette is for crossing a street when the pedestrian crosswalk signal is red. Do you condone sneaking across when it is very likely you will not get hit by or obstruct any vehicles? What if there's a bunch of touristy people standing there gawking at the signal and you can confidently stride past and show them that you're a born and bred native who likely crosses the very same intersection several times a day?

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3 minutes ago, Shaykh Patience101 said:

We need to change the title of this thread to 'Dear Haji,'.

Yes, that would be great. Then Haji could rename the thread every time he comes online again. :) 

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Dear Hajj 2018 

Brother, my sister's husband's aunt's daughter is lying to her parents.  She is a child both her parents don't lie.  There are no changes in the family dynamics.

She thinks if she lies she will get out of trouble.  The principle called and told her parents that every hour she wants to go the bathroom and then doesn't return back to class unless someone tells him to go back up. 

The lying problem is growing and parents hands are tied.  How can they correct this problem?

Thanks brother @Haji 2003

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

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@Laayla

Salaam

A problem with discussing problems such as lying is that it can cause defensiveness and embarrassment. Assuming that the parents aren't into water-boarding or other more aggressive techniques that Saddam may have used to elicit information, they can try using something far more gentle to get the child to open up.

You don't mention the age of the child, but how about the parents loading up this cartoon (perhaps accidentally/by mistake) when they and the child are in front of the PC.

It can provide the basis for a discussion about lying, its motivations and consequences. The trick is to ask the child non-leading, open-ended questions (about the characters and their behaviour) so that the child can open up about why it may consider lying is ok. It may also open up possible underlying problems the child may otherwise feel worried about disclosing.

The temptation for the parents may be to jump in too quickly and start criticising lying behaviour. This should be avoided as far as possible, if they want to hear the child's perspective and gain an understanding of underlying causes.

The parents can then bring in their perspective in the context of this cartoon without necessarily telling off the child. But the message about their perspective will likely get through to the child and its own behaviour.

The advantage of the use of a such a 'projective technique' is that all the negatives of the behaviour are linked to other characters and not the child you are referring to. The case study in the cartoon thereby provides a safe context within which discussions about what the kids could have done and the choices open to them can be discussed.

Depending on the age of the child, for deeper analysis you could consider why the girl may feel under pressure to accede when her friend asks her to go out and how that type of situation could have been coped with.

HTH

Next...

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Assalam Alikum Hajj,

This can be an everyday occurrence.  After running test results for your health, you sit and wait in the waiting room.  Secretary calls you and says you can go inside to see the Dr.

You hand the test results to the Dr.  He looks at them and after a few minutes of silence, he gives you the news.

"You have 6 months to live."

As a momin you know that life is under God's authority.

Knowing this information,  what would you do personally for the next six months?  Is there anything you would change?  Would you change your bucket list or now you are more serious to check the list off?

Take your time Hajj, if this is too personal or uncomfortable, then respond keeping in mind the person is married with children.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

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Salam, haji jaan. 3 years ago a husband asked his wife if she would like a certain (relatively expensive) electronic device for her birthday gift. She said no, because she couldn't see much use for it in her life. When her bday comes, she opens her gift and it's that very electronic device she said she didn't want. She tries to act grateful and happy. 

Over the years he notices she doesn't use it very often at all and sometimes makes mention about that. She feels bad and tries to make an effort to use it in front of him sometimes, but for the most part she has no use for it and goes months without thinking about it. He seems very hurt and 3 years later still mentions it every once in awhile, saying you don't use such and such... Where is such and such... . Although she understands his hurt feelings, she DID say she didn't want it in the first place. What should she do? Is he going to keep mentioning it forever? 

Edited by ireallywannaknow

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8 hours ago, ireallywannaknow said:

He seems very hurt and 3 years later still mentions it every once in awhile, saying you don't use such and such... Where is such and such... . Although she understands his hurt feelings, she DID say she didn't want it in the first place. What should she do? Is he going to keep mentioning it forever? 

Salam. Does he have a similar device and loves it? OR is he wishing she would give it to him so he could use it? 

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7 hours ago, Hameedeh said:

Salam. Does he have a similar device and loves it? OR is he wishing she would give it to him so he could use it? 

WaSalam, probably the latter but she has already offered for him to use it and and he does sometimes, and says things like well if you're not going to use it I will. And she's like okie dokie have fun. But he seems like he would be happiest if she loved and used it herself. :(

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On 12/20/2018 at 8:06 PM, ireallywannaknow said:

Salam, haji jaan. 3 years ago a husband asked his wife if she would like a certain (relatively expensive) electronic device for her birthday gift. She said no, because she couldn't see much use for it in her life. When her bday comes, she opens her gift and it's that very electronic device she said she didn't want. She tries to act grateful and happy.

This dude seems to find it hard to get a message without it being tattooed on his arm in 48 point Helvetica Ultra Bold*.

On the next suitable occasion, she should buy him a gift that she knows he will find hard to accommodate into his lifestyle. Now the couple will have the basis of a shared experience. You'll have seen how romantic shared experiences can be especially when they happen as a result of some struggle e.g. watching the sunrise over Mount Kinabalu having spent the night hiking up the mountain.

In this example the couple is dealing with the struggle of coping with unwanted gifts, thereby bringing the two closer together.

Of course, he might make the necessary sacrifice and change his lifestyle to use the device. This will facilitate her falling in love with him all over again.

But the latter (unexpected) situation will leave her with an even more acute conundrum of what to do with the device he brought her, to put it more poetically than I ever could, "The course of true love never did run smooth", (Midsummer Night's Dream, act 1 scene 1).

*this is not a recommendation for tattoos, please check with your mar'je about their suitability.

HTH

Next.

Edited by Haji 2003

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On 12/20/2018 at 11:18 AM, Laayla said:

Knowing this information,  what would you do personally for the next six months?  Is there anything you would change?  Would you change your bucket list or now you are more serious to check the list off?

Life is like being on American death row and not knowing when the execution will take place. Because the Europeans have put an embargo on America, the prisoner does not know when the guards will obtain a supply of pentobarbital and sodium thiopental (or substitutes for these), so that they can carry out the lethal injection execution.

Not knowing when they will die means so many people spend just an eeny weeny bit too long deciding whether or not to go on Hajj, or ziarat or make-up missed fasts and prayers.

And before they know it.

Boom.

It's too late and they're already dead.

This person is lucky, they have closure of the anticipatory variety. 

And while there are some wajib and mustahhab things they must do as a result of this knowledge there are other actions from which they are relieved.

Going back to the death row analogy, this person can have the luxurious last meal for every meal for the next six months.

Yes, that's right.

A Big Mac [replace with a cultural alternative as appropriate] with all the trimmings and without the guilt. They can have the luxury of having a conversation with relatives who'll be too embarrassed to do a Facebook status check while in their presence.

They can time their international travel in order to use up all their Emirates loyalty points and make any visits to the United States before they go to the Axis of Evil and thereby avoid any awkward questions from Homeland Security.

HTH.

Next.

Edited by Haji 2003

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I am working on a project at university with a team of students. We have collected data which we consider be insufficient and are thinking of complementing it with responses that we have made up ourselves. My team members are keen to do this, I am not and am thinking of approaching my course leader. What should I do?

Depending on the university you are at your colleagues' intention may not necessarily get them into trouble, but actually something may well do so. You may want to risk assess this strategy in the following way.

The chances of your getting caught may be quite slim, depending on how well you do this. However, if you are caught the consequences can be catastrophic. So overall you clearly should not do this. You should also be aware that sample size is not the only criterion for success in research there are a number of other things as well, and if the project has not been done effectively in this regard could there be other areas of weakness that will look even more obvious if only this one is addressed?

You should approach your course leader. The university has a duty of care to you to ensure that you are not coerced into a course of action that is wrong. So now it becomes their responsibility to protect you. At the same time, both you and the course leader will have to proceed carefully, since you likely will need to work with these students and others for the next several months and you need to maintain your working relationship with all of them.

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Guest www.confused.com/Hmar

Salaam w alaykum Haji,

I've recently moved away from my mother land in order to create some funds to start a business back in the mother land.

However, I have had my big toe almost cut in half and they operated on it last week, putting me in a cast and stuck a k wire in my big toe so that it heals properly. I'm supposed to go to hospital in 5 days to get the stitches taken off, then in 2 weeks time get an x-ray to check on the bone if it's healed back. And then in 1 month I'm getting the wire taken out. Should I go to work as I'm not getting any younger (25) or would I be doing the right thing in letting my body heal?

I'm in deep conflict with my self as to I'd be a man if I go to work whilst in pain, and if I don't go to work I'd be a weakling. 

Kind regards,

A confused human

Extra notes which I had no clue where to insert it above:

My father has told me to not go to work as I'm on crutches however he's a man of the dunya, so he'd obviously tell me to not go work. 

Also, Imam Ali (عليه السلام). has a quote saying 'a man loses his health to gain wealth, and when he's old he wastes his wealth to gain back his health.'

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A cousin of mine has this problem and she has been seething in rage over it all night. There is this group of friends from work that she hangs out with from time to time. Two people in the group are chronic late comers(CL) and they never even bother to inform or apologise. They will just show up 40 minutes late with a warm smile as if nothing was wrong. Other people in the group have mixed reactions to this.

However, last night my cousin had it. She was there on time for a dinner, well only she was there. So she sent a group text asking when was everyone arriving. One CL replied in the nonchalant way of his that he would be 40 mins late(he is saying 40 mins so in practice that means 50 mins) No one else replies.So she sends another message saying if no one shows up in the next 10 mins she will leave. She waits 20 mins and then leaves. As she was driving back she gets a call from another person in the group saying a couple of people have reached so could she please come back. She refused saying she had left after waiting and informing everyone. She comes back home.

CLs arrived late at dinner as usual. Now everyone believes she should have either waited or returned when they called her.

1. There was no word of apology from CLs 

2.My cousin is very punctual and in the rare occasion she is running late, she informs people well in advance and apologises to people for making them wait. 

Please help.

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:salam:

Being a ponctual person in a group of CLs is hard. One thing would be to do the same thing she did on a one-two-one meeting so the CL truly feels the consequence and does not repeat. Within a group however she will only be perceived as the extreme, too much tempered one.

She could as well go for the CL option. Next time she adds +1h to the appointed time. But that may turn into a bad habit, from personal experience.

 

^ Woops. Is this thread for Haji to answer exclusively ? 

Edited by realizm

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On 1/29/2019 at 10:18 AM, Guest www.confused.com/Hmar said:

I'm in deep conflict with my self as to I'd be a man if I go to work whilst in pain, and if I don't go to work I'd be a weakling.

You should go to work. Not with a view to doing any work, of course.

Rather your appearance will be in order to show the extent of your injuries, the inconvenience of your presence to everyone else and your demonstrable inability to do anything other than be an object of sympathy from your colleagues.

This should elicit your employer's imprecations that you should not come back to work until you are fully healed.

BTW contributors to this thread tend to lead such transparently moral lives that there are no conundrums, rather it is only ever their cousin that faces the issues we talk about here.

Edited by Haji 2003

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24 minutes ago, realizm said:

Woops. Is this thread for Haji to answer exclusively 

I don't think so:) Thanks for the advice.

24 minutes ago, realizm said:

She could as well go for the CL option. Next time she adds +1h to the appointed time. But that may turn into a bad habit, from personal experience.

That's exactly what I...I meant my cousin ;) thought too. Why turn a good into a bad one because of other people.

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4 hours ago, starlight said:

A cousin of mine has this problem and she has been seething in rage over it all night. There is this group of friends from work that she hangs out with from time to time. Two people in the group are chronic late comers(CL) and they never even bother to inform or apologise. They will just show up 40 minutes late with a warm smile as if nothing was wrong. Other people in the group have mixed reactions to this.

However, last night my cousin had it. She was there on time for a dinner, well only she was there. So she sent a group text asking when was everyone arriving. One CL replied in the nonchalant way of his that he would be 40 mins late(he is saying 40 mins so in practice that means 50 mins) No one else replies.So she sends another message saying if no one shows up in the next 10 mins she will leave. She waits 20 mins and then leaves. As she was driving back she gets a call from another person in the group saying a couple of people have reached so could she please come back. She refused saying she had left after waiting and informing everyone. She comes back home.

CLs arrived late at dinner as usual. Now everyone believes she should have either waited or returned when they called her.

1. There was no word of apology from CLs 

2.My cousin is very punctual and in the rare occasion she is running late, she informs people well in advance and apologises to people for making them wait. 

Please help.

I would advice the sister to not attend such gatherings with members of the opposite gender. 

Wallahu a'lam 

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4 hours ago, starlight said:

CLs arrived late at dinner as usual. Now everyone believes she should have either waited or returned when they called her.

She had a number of different options open to her. Here are two.

  1. Have the meal without her friends and wait till they arrive. She tells them she would have waited but has to attend another 'do' with people who are sticklers for time. So she has her post-meal tea with them, but during her polite overstay, she gets a call (on speaker) asking why she isn't somewhere else where she is expected.  She comes across as a martyr for friendship and the CLs are made to feel awkward for having delayed her.
  2. Instead of leaving entirely she could have gone to the cafe next door. When the CLs arrive at the appointed place they phone her and she tells them she has left already. They make a fuss and she puts up a limited struggle about how inconvenient it will be for her to come back, but in the name of friendship, she will do so. She tells them what to order for her. Having made sure that they spend a certain amount of time waiting for her and just in time for the arrival of the meal, she leaves the cafe next door and arrives 'hot foot', blaming the traffic, but a loyal friend who forgives her friends and makes sacrifices for them.

HTH, Next.

 

Edited by Haji 2003

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Dear Haji

My cousin is thinking of buying a BMW or a Merc. What option should I recommend bearing in mind the akhira?

BMW don't do these.

Your cousin can use this Mercedes to earn thawwab in Muharram by ferrying people from car parks to the Hussainiya:

 

360fa0c88436af8791f9cd84b9503c1e.png

Edited by Haji 2003

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Dear Haji a friend of mine can't stop himself shaking hands with non-mahram women. They stretch out their hands and he feels embarrassed to leave them holding onto air. What can he do?

To avoid leaving the air empty, he should offer this card to them.

640246117_Screenshot2019-05-22at19_20_18.png.cfd320ee6204213070961038a2818709.png

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Is drawing people/animals/etc haram? If not, would it be haram to sell art of people? Would it be haram to create art of women without hijab or make sell portraits of women who don’t wear hijab?

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6 hours ago, Nevsevug said:

Is drawing people/animals/etc haram? If not, would it be haram to sell art of people? Would it be haram to create art of women without hijab or make sell portraits of women who don’t wear hijab?

This is not a traditional Q&A thread, as you may have picked up from previous submissions, so with that health warning out of the way ...

Your cousin (we use this device to project issues that may be sensitive/embarrassing) may find the following example from the Basij to be particularly instructive. The illustrator has drawn a  badly worn hijab to illustrate the benefits of proper hijab.

1615502780_Screenshot2019-07-20at09_37_34.thumb.png.5755bb2765b787f33410c74da5ea8cb5.png

https://www.bbc.co.United Kingdom/news/blogs-trending-48951933

Next

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On 11/17/2018 at 11:17 PM, Haji 2003 said:

Eid Mubarak, here's my gift.

Sometimes you have a personal question to ask, but are embarrassed to do so. To get round this you start your question by saying:

"a cousin of mine has a certain problem and asked if I could ask on their behalf"

This thread saves you the effort of typing out the text in italics. So anything too embarrassing or personal to post elsewhere, just ask away here and we'll automatically know it's coming from your cousin.

Dear Haji, my neighborhood asking:

Is Haji2003, your real best friend, if he is, can Haji2003 do a back flip for you like Van Damme and tag you in youtube video ?

Require urgent answer :worried:

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Dear Haji, an old friend of mine from school is facing a problem and am posting on her behalf. 

Her husband's brother,although a gentleman in every other way, has a habit of raiding her fridge whenever he comes to her house. For some strange inexplicable reason she doesn't like cooking for him, something which she has made abundantly clear through both her words and actions over a decade or so of marriage. 

It's not like she hasn't tried but there is this weird thing that takes over her whenever she tries to put herself in the correct mindset and doesn't go away unless she abandons the idea. Don't brush it off just because you don't understand Haji, it's a woman thing and it's very real. And it's isn't that she doesn't like him, she just doesn't like cooking for him.Another woman thing. 

Okay, so coming back to the topic, on certain occasions her brother in law went on to such extreme measures as helping himself from pots and pans in the kitchen!! And my poor friend had to order pizza for kids. 

Well, today she slaved all morning in the kitchen and cooked them all a nice lunch of Matar pulao, Aaloo Qeema and Vegetable tarkari. Everything was perfectly cooked,well, almost.I know because she is in excellent cook. Her brother in law posted about it on the internet saying her food was WATERY!

Please suggest a solution.

Edited by starlight

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12 hours ago, starlight said:

For some strange inexplicable reason she doesn't like cooking for him, something which she has made abundantly clear through both her words and actions over a decade or so of marriage. 

Are you sure? That she's made it abundantly clear? Or have their been mixed signals? You do know that we men sometimes need messages in Gill Sans ultra bold underlined.

I have a sister-in-law who behaves in a similar way, but she seems quite accommodating in various ways, so I have always thought her reaction to my raids has been more of an affectation than anything serious.

For example, I suggested that she and my brother buy me a bee hive for my birthday and keep the bees for me, so that I can pop over and pick up the honey. The last time she spoke to me about this she had looked into the cost of acquiring bees and found out that they can be £500.

So I suggested maybe it could be my 60th birthday present.

As you may know I have been in the habit of giving him/her first class toiletries from Emirates. They don't do that sort of thing in her family. And I am sure it was a bit of a culture shock the first time I did this. 

So a few weeks ago they went to Crete on holiday and brought me back this from their hotel. Cool huh?

IMG_1747.thumb.JPG.b9371df435ea7563fb573f8f1e3003e0.JPG

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On 7/21/2019 at 10:27 AM, Flying_Eagle said:

Is Haji2003, your real best friend, if he is, can Haji2003 do a back flip for you like Van Damme and tag you in youtube video ?

I could do all those, but you can't even tag me in a post to alert me to your question! And if I did that now it would seem that I did not take the "urgent" bit in your question seriously.

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On 7/22/2019 at 10:54 PM, Nevsevug said:

“My cousin” wants to know if live streaming (gaming) would be haram as a female? 

I guess the issue is whether the nature of the interaction is such that the possibility exists for her to develop an emotional interest in any one specific individual.

At this point she is exhibiting rational behaviour, in the sense that she is genuinely interested in behaving in the right way.

But developing an emotional interest is a slippery slope, it starts when she begins to look out for the presence of another player. And the game is more fun if they are present and then she goes online not really to play, but to be in the company of the other person and then.

Blam.

Decision making is not rational anymore and she's wholly reliant on past aamal and the prayers of relatives to dig her out.

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1 hour ago, Haji 2003 said:

Are you sure? That she's made it abundantly clear? Or have their been mixed signals? 

Errrrr! I am not so sure:blush:.

1 hour ago, Haji 2003 said:

You do know that we men sometimes need messages in Gill Sans ultra bold underlined.

Men can be so.....unintellectual :p sometimes  

'Fine' means it's not fine.

'Five minutes' means anywhere between 30 mins to 3 hours.

'Nothing' means something is wrong(good luck figuring it out) 

'Loud sigh' means she thinks you are a lost cause.

'I don't want to talk about it' means get ready for a monologue which will last at least thirty minutes.

See, it's that simple. 

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