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Guest WhyPrayersoLongMakeShort

Sister cheated on her husband

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Guest WhyPrayersoLongMakeShort

Asalaam alaikum,

I come from a fairly conservative and religious family, but recently something happened which has turned the dynamics upside down. My sister cheated on her husband and got pregnant with another man's baby about 7 months ago. Since then I believe she has divorced her husband or the divorce is in process - I don't really know anything 100%, because everything is on the hush hush. Obviously this is a very embarrassing situation for our family, and they don't want anyone in the community knowing all the details, so they don't really discuss it.

Now, I was born and raised here in the US (all of my siblings as well), so premarital sex, dating, drinking...etc all this stuff is not new to me. It's just the atmosphere in America. That's why I don't really have anything personal against my sister's "Baby's Daddy". He was just living the way he was taught. In his culture, there is nothing wrong with having a child out of wedlock, or at least conceiving and later on getting married. Whatever right?

However, the problem is, or where it involves me, is that my parents are pushing this new guy on me, to teach him about Islam, and to lead him in Prayer,  to teach him Islamic history about the Prophet and Imams...etc. whenever I am visiting, because I am the eldest and most knowledgeable about Islam. And actually, my mom gave him my number and one day he called me out of the blue asking about the Usool/Feru-ideen. It was weird. I honestly don't want to. I don't want any part of this. It just seems very fake to me to be having a baby out of wedlock, but at the same time to pray or fast. I told my mother several times to guide him and my sister to an Alim at another mosque in another state perhaps, but she is too worried that some how the news of this infidelity will get back to our community.

And, I am not sure what to do here. Like what are my Islamic responsibilities in this situation? As far as I can tell, I don't think I have any. I don't wish anything bad upon them (my sister and her BF), but I just want to live my own life - without them in it.

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Sister have you tried seeking professional advice such as speaking to a psychologist? It sounds like a very personal and complicated issue for you and your family. Don't keep it bottled up inside, speak to somebody about it in person, somebody professional or close to you. It can be mentally detrimental to keep such strong feelings and emotions bottle up inside. The effects can show up years later in thought patterns and behavior. 

Edited by Murtaza1

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11 hours ago, Guest WhyPrayersoLongMakeShort said:

That's why I don't really have anything personal against my sister's "Baby's Daddy". 

You don't have an issue with a man who (most likely) knowingly had a physical relationship with a married woman???? Many people here as well as myself wouldn't really appreciate any kind of cheater. My prayers are with your sister's ex. 

11 hours ago, Guest WhyPrayersoLongMakeShort said:

It just seems very fake to me to be having a baby out of wedlock, but at the same time to pray or fast. 

Although they both committed an extremely haram and immoral act, everyone can change. And you should take this opportunity to help your sister's 'baby daddy' embrace Islam and take on this religion wholeheartedly, so that at least the future of their relationship isn't as haram as it's past. 

If you were "the most knowledgeable about islam" you'd know about the reward you'd be getting by helping such a man understand the beauty of Islam, instead of arrogantly (that's what it sounds like) rejecting his pleas for help. If you keep ignoring him or refusing to help, what kind of image do you think will that leave on him? What kind of impression of Muslims do you think he will have? I honestly don't understand why you find helping him weird when you don't even have any problem with him personally. I understand why your family would not want to send him to a sheikh or alim. You should too. 

Help this man be guided onto the right path. Instead of detaching yourself, view this as an opportunity Allah has given you to gain more rewards and help someone understand and follow Islam. Do you not want the best for your sister's unborn child, who had absolutely no say in any of this? Answer the guy's questions, and if you can't find that within yourself then at least loan him some religious books, and give him some websites and YouTube videos that may help him. 

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13 hours ago, Guest WhyPrayersoLongMakeShort said:

Asalaam alaikum,

I come from a fairly conservative and religious family, but recently something happened which has turned the dynamics upside down. My sister cheated on her husband and got pregnant with another man's baby about 7 months ago. Since then I believe she has divorced her husband or the divorce is in process - I don't really know anything 100%, because everything is on the hush hush. Obviously this is a very embarrassing situation for our family, and they don't want anyone in the community knowing all the details, so they don't really discuss it.

Now, I was born and raised here in the US (all of my siblings as well), so premarital sex, dating, drinking...etc all this stuff is not new to me. It's just the atmosphere in America. That's why I don't really have anything personal against my sister's "Baby's Daddy". He was just living the way he was taught. In his culture, there is nothing wrong with having a child out of wedlock, or at least conceiving and later on getting married. Whatever right?

However, the problem is, or where it involves me, is that my parents are pushing this new guy on me, to teach him about Islam, and to lead him in Prayer,  to teach him Islamic history about the Prophet and Imams...etc. whenever I am visiting, because I am the eldest and most knowledgeable about Islam. And actually, my mom gave him my number and one day he called me out of the blue asking about the Usool/Feru-ideen. It was weird. I honestly don't want to. I don't want any part of this. It just seems very fake to me to be having a baby out of wedlock, but at the same time to pray or fast. I told my mother several times to guide him and my sister to an Alim at another mosque in another state perhaps, but she is too worried that some how the news of this infidelity will get back to our community.

And, I am not sure what to do here. Like what are my Islamic responsibilities in this situation? As far as I can tell, I don't think I have any. I don't wish anything bad upon them (my sister and her BF), but I just want to live my own life - without them in it.

Your sister committed a major sin which carries with it a penalty, punishment. It doesn't matter what you think about it or what she thinks about it or what this guy thinks about it. The reality is the same. The guy whom she did this with will also be punished. What exact form that punishment will take, whether the majority of it will occur in this life or the next, I don't know. But it is either on it's way or some of it has already reached them. That is for sure. Zina(adultry) is a major sin because it destroys families, communities, and sometimes nations, as you are already witnessing. 

That doesn't mean that she is beyond hope and is destined for hell.

The problem with major sins, such as adultry, is that they could lead to the 'sealing of the heart' quickly. The 'sealing of the heart' in Islam is a spiritual state in which the person no longer feels the need to ask God(s.w.a) for forgiveness and feels that they are somehow 'different' than other people so they are 'justified' in committing the sin. When this happens, the person is, in reality a kafir, disbeliever in God(s.w.a), although they may still claim to be muslim or have a muslim name. We pray to Allah(s.w.a) to save us from entering into this state.

With sins that are not major sins, they will lead someone in this direction if not repented for, but this happens very gradually, over a long period of time, so they have more time to contemplate and think about their actions and hopefully to seek forgiveness from Allah(s.w.a). 

As long as someone acknowledges their sin(s) and is sincere in trying to make amends for them, it means that they are not a kafir and their heart is not sealed. Allah(s.w.a) will eventually forgive them, although it may be a long and difficult process. 

If she repents and endures what part of the punishment will come in this life with patience, perhaps Allah(s.w.a) will forgive her and restore her soul to it's original state (i.e. before the sin). The first step in repentance is acknowledgement (at least to one's self) of the gravity of the sin and sincerity in attempting to make amends for the wrong action. If you don't feel the guy has done this first step (i.e. he is still blaming others, his culture, etc, or not acknowledging that this was a major sin he did) then I don't see the point in teaching him anything. 

I am American and was raised in the US, in California, a very liberal state. Even there, it is not considered 'ok' to commit adultery. It is not part of the culture, like you said, I disagree with that. People do it, yes, but this happens in every country on earth (I have traveled to Middle East, etc). Is it more common in the US, maybe, but that doesn't mean it is 'part of the culture' i.e. considered acceptable and 'ok'. The main difference is that in the US, people don't go to as great of lengths to keep it secret, like they do in other places. If he is sticking to that line of bs, and using as an excuse for his wrong and haram act, then I don't really see any point in teaching him about Islam, your efforts will most likely be wasted. You have probably read that ayat in the Holy Quran about rain falling on a smooth rock. It is life giving rain, but when it falls on a smooth rock, it just slides off, without doing the rock any good. It is only when it falls on fertile soil that it has benefits. Before spending your time, effort, and energy to teach someone, you must decide if they are fertile soil, or a smooth rock, because your time is valuble too, and Allah(s.w.a) doesn't want you to waste it. Time is the most precious resource we have, once we lose it, we can never get it back. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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I think the OP is actually implying that they too have no interest in religion and advising someone is problematic as they then have to study what they wish to stay away from.

I doubt it is difficult to give advice. to guide someone.

Hey bro, I am finding this situation difficult, however as you have realised a mistake and wish to part take a new path, I suggest a visit to this site. www.al-islam.org and spend the next few years learning. If you have any questions you can join Shiachat and discuss issue that you may have. However side note - you will both burn in hell. :byecry:

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Ws,

It is most certainty not appropriate for him to talk to you in private or over the phone. There are thousands of males, sheikhs, who can inform him about all of this. I cannot phantom how anyone here would recommend you to keep talking to him, is there a lack of males on planet earth with the knowledge of Islam?

If a man who had already demonstrated a lack of moral compass dealing with women was in my near proximity I would keep my daughters as far away as I possibly could from him.

If he is too lazy to find males who can help him with the information that is already online at his service, you could reefer him to a male sheikh, there is really no rational reason for you in particular to talk to him. I would personally not want anything to do with him nor my sister if she cheated on her husband. I hope this does not come out to your community because if your not married (and I assume your not since a husband would not be okay with you talking to him) it could severely affect your chances of getting married as well. I would personally not want to marry into a family that raised a daughter who cheated on her husband and then the parents asked the cheating man who slept with another mans wife to talk to the other daughter as well.

This is what you should do in my opinion:

Tell your parents you do not wish to be involved in this mess. Refer the guy to a sheikh or islamically knowledgeable male for his questions regarding deen. Value your personal reputation and dignity and try to protect your families reputation and dignity as well to the best of your ability and never forsake amr bil maroof wa nahi anil munkar.

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On 11/17/2018 at 5:33 AM, IbnSina said:

Ws,

It is most certainty not appropriate for him to talk to you in private or over the phone. There are thousands of males, sheikhs, who can inform him about all of this. I cannot phantom how anyone here would recommend you to keep talking to him, is there a lack of males on planet earth with the knowledge of Islam?

If a man who had already demonstrated a lack of moral compass dealing with women was in my near proximity I would keep my daughters as far away as I possibly could from him.

If he is too lazy to find males who can help him with the information that is already online at his service, you could reefer him to a male sheikh, there is really no rational reason for you in particular to talk to him. I would personally not want anything to do with him nor my sister if she cheated on her husband. I hope this does not come out to your community because if your not married (and I assume your not since a husband would not be okay with you talking to him) it could severely affect your chances of getting married as well. I would personally not want to marry into a family that raised a daughter who cheated on her husband and then the parents asked the cheating man who slept with another mans wife to talk to the other daughter as well.

This is what you should do in my opinion:

Tell your parents you do not wish to be involved in this mess. Refer the guy to a sheikh or islamically knowledgeable male for his questions regarding deen. Value your personal reputation and dignity and try to protect your families reputation and dignity as well to the best of your ability and never forsake amr bil maroof wa nahi anil munkar.

I totally agree with you. It certainly seems a bit creepy for him to talk to her about it. 

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On 11/17/2018 at 6:23 AM, Abu Hadi said:

I am American and was raised in the US, in California, a very liberal state. Even there, it is not considered 'ok' to commit adultery. It is not part of the culture, like you said, I disagree with that. People do it, yes, but this happens in every country on earth (I have traveled to Middle East, etc). Is it more common in the US, maybe, but that doesn't mean it is 'part of the culture' i.e. considered acceptable and 'ok'. The main difference is that in the US, people don't go to as great of lengths to keep it secret, like they do in other places.

Would just like to point out: No where in original post did the author mention that adultery is accepted in the Western culture. Instead, OP was talking about pre-marital sex and having children out of wedlock (and later getting married) as things that are common in the West, which they are. It isn't OK to commit adultery in Western culture, and I can't find where the OP said (or implied) that it was. 

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Also it would be much more appropriate if they chose a male member of their family to teach him about islamic rules and morals instead of a female that obviously and rightfully finds it difficult and daunting to do so.

Edited by Murtaza1

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On 11/16/2018 at 4:08 PM, Guest WhyPrayersoLongMakeShort said:

My sister cheated on her husband and got pregnant with another man's baby about 7 months ago.

I'm neither trying to defend her actions nor to condone them but...how old is your sister? How long was she married? Also, what was the condition of her marriage? Happy marriage or a miserable one? Usually, this happens either due to immaturity or an unhappy marriage (or a mix of both). Like I said I am not defending her actions but lets take a minute to try to analyze this from her perspective and to determine why this happened in the first place.

Secondly, how did her husband treat her? Not trying to paint her as innocent but more details need to be had as to the marriage she was in and what really caused her to stray. 

Did she have any children already?

On 11/16/2018 at 4:08 PM, Guest WhyPrayersoLongMakeShort said:

Now, I was born and raised here in the US (all of my siblings as well), so premarital sex, dating, drinking...etc all this stuff is not new to me. It's just the atmosphere in America.

Its the atmosphere the media has created and perpetuates. Not all Americans (or people living in the U.S.) are like that. That being said, are there non-halal activitites going on? Absolutely. It happens everywhere in the world so to paint it as the atmosphere of an entire nation or the actions of an entire race is incorrect. I was born and raised in the U.S. in Chicago.

On 11/16/2018 at 4:08 PM, Guest WhyPrayersoLongMakeShort said:

That's why I don't really have anything personal against my sister's "Baby's Daddy".

I take it he's a Non-Muslim?

On 11/16/2018 at 4:08 PM, Guest WhyPrayersoLongMakeShort said:

He was just living the way he was taught. In his culture, there is nothing wrong with having a child out of wedlock, or at least conceiving and later on getting married. Whatever right?

See above regarding my opinion of your statement.

On 11/16/2018 at 4:08 PM, Guest WhyPrayersoLongMakeShort said:

However, the problem is, or where it involves me, is that my parents are pushing this new guy on me, to teach him about Islam, and to lead him in Prayer,  to teach him Islamic history about the Prophet and Imams...etc.

Marriage is on the schedule I'm also assuming at this point. Are your sister or your parents aware of the validity of a marriage to a non-Muslim by a Muslim woman?

On 11/16/2018 at 4:08 PM, Guest WhyPrayersoLongMakeShort said:

one day he called me out of the blue asking about the Usool/Feru-ideen. It was weird. I honestly don't want to. I don't want any part of this.

Can't say I blame you on this. I'd do the same thing. Send him a link to Al-Islam.org and be done with it. 

On 11/16/2018 at 4:08 PM, Guest WhyPrayersoLongMakeShort said:

Like what are my Islamic responsibilities in this situation?

See above. 

On 11/16/2018 at 4:08 PM, Guest WhyPrayersoLongMakeShort said:

I don't wish anything bad upon them (my sister and her BF), but I just want to live my own life - without them in it.

I think that's a valid position to hold.

So the crux of the problem is that you don't give a fig about the guy that destroyed your sister's marriage. I can't say I disagree with you. Everyone will say (and has said) about the merits of guiding him to Islam and all that. Sure, that's the moral approach to it but to be honest if this type of thing happened in my family I would just tell that guy to get lost in an unfriendly manner. He's a low character man with no honor who seduced and impregnated a married woman. Just give him some links to some Shia websites and tell him to take the initiative on his own.

Just my opinion.

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Bismehe Ta3ala, 

Assalam Alikum 

FYI, tell your mom that your sister (adulterous) is permanently haram for marriage to the adulter.

Your mom 's concern should be about strengthening the 3qeeda of her daughter and not a non mahram man.

A few minutes of haram pleasure,a lifetime of severe consequences.  

Astgfor'Allah.  God keep us away from wlad al haram.

 

 

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I believe it's best to somehow just consult a trustworthy and good reputed Syed or Sheikh regarding this matter. It doesn't take any culture or religion to tell you that sleeping with another man's women is an extremely shameful and heinous act. Do all that you can, try to save your sister from this mess and from this low-life, the more she goes down this road with him the more she'll be ruining her life. The child is a serious problem now, that's why I think it's best for you to seek professional help (from a Syed or Sheikh). 

Edited by AStruggler

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Salam ,it's really hard situation because of cultural issue in religious family the issue can't be go out of family ,all suggestion are good but must consider that western style being shif immediately & sharp talking of western culture will cause turmoils for her family but if her family insisting on introducing islam by her to him ,they must participate in this relation & all of contacts & speaches must be done by presence of at least one member of he family for example bring him as guest to their house with constant presence of her family.

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On 11/16/2018 at 5:08 PM, Guest WhyPrayersoLongMakeShort said:

He was just living the way he was taught. In his culture, there is nothing wrong with having a child out of wedlock, or at least conceiving and later on getting married. Whatever right?

Of course there is a lot wrong with love child. 

 

On 11/16/2018 at 5:08 PM, Guest WhyPrayersoLongMakeShort said:

However, the problem is, or where it involves me, is that my parents are pushing this new guy on me, to teach him about Islam, and to lead him in Prayer,  to teach him Islamic history about the Prophet and Imams...etc. whenever I am visiting, because I am the eldest and most knowledgeable about Islam. And actually, my mom gave him my number and one day he called me out of the blue asking about the Usool/Feru-ideen. It was weird. I honestly don't want to. I don't want any part of this. It just seems very fake to me to be having a baby out of wedlock, but at the same time to pray or fast. I told my mother several times to guide him and my sister to an Alim at another mosque in another state perhaps, but she is too worried that some how the news of this infidelity will get back to our community.

Does he want to accept Islam? Is your family forcing him to accept Islam?  Of course words will spread like wild fire when her ex-husband is going to tell people. There is no way you could hide this. She will have a baby soon, and people will know. 

 

I am feeling sorry for her ex-husband. 

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On 11/16/2018 at 10:08 PM, Guest WhyPrayersoLongMakeShort said:

Asalaam alaikum,

I come from a fairly conservative and religious family, but recently something happened which has turned the dynamics upside down. My sister cheated on her husband and got pregnant with another man's baby about 7 months ago. Since then I believe she has divorced her husband or the divorce is in process - I don't really know anything 100%, because everything is on the hush hush. Obviously this is a very embarrassing situation for our family, and they don't want anyone in the community knowing all the details, so they don't really discuss it.

Now, I was born and raised here in the US (all of my siblings as well), so premarital sex, dating, drinking...etc all this stuff is not new to me. It's just the atmosphere in America. That's why I don't really have anything personal against my sister's "Baby's Daddy". He was just living the way he was taught. In his culture, there is nothing wrong with having a child out of wedlock, or at least conceiving and later on getting married. Whatever right?

However, the problem is, or where it involves me, is that my parents are pushing this new guy on me, to teach him about Islam, and to lead him in Prayer,  to teach him Islamic history about the Prophet and Imams...etc. whenever I am visiting, because I am the eldest and most knowledgeable about Islam. And actually, my mom gave him my number and one day he called me out of the blue asking about the Usool/Feru-ideen. It was weird. I honestly don't want to. I don't want any part of this. It just seems very fake to me to be having a baby out of wedlock, but at the same time to pray or fast. I told my mother several times to guide him and my sister to an Alim at another mosque in another state perhaps, but she is too worried that some how the news of this infidelity will get back to our community.

And, I am not sure what to do here. Like what are my Islamic responsibilities in this situation? As far as I can tell, I don't think I have any. I don't wish anything bad upon them (my sister and her BF), but I just want to live my own life - without them in it.

Best thing is that ask your sister to leave Islam :ranting:. Nothing said and done when men or women try to make illegitimate baby. Being in US does not allow your sister any amentsy about code of conduct. Across the globe we have drinking,  night clubs so this is lame excuse.  

Sorry about your thinking that you are saying that I donot mind it. Ok enjpy your own philosophic version 0f islam.

It is your life but please donot try to be Islamic.

 

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14 minutes ago, Zulfiqar1472 said:

Best thing is that ask your sister to leave Islam

One name: Hurr (ra). He is the prime example of why we should never give up no matter what sin we commit. Is there any sin greater than making the life of imam hussein (as) and his family a living hell? Very, very few. And i think adultery is not among those sins that are worse than such a betrayal (I'm only trying to put things into perspective, I don't know what sharia's standpoint is).

This is the reason why so many people end up leaving Islam and hating Muslims. Never underestimate Allah's mercy and forgiveness. No matter what, we always have an opportunity to better ourselves and repent to Allah. 

Allah is the most compassionate and most merciful. If anything, that is the greatest message from the Qur'an. It is so wrong to tell someone to leave Islam because of one sin they committed. Yes, adultery is a big sin, and this sister needs to rectify her wrong, but never, should we ever give up. That is the greater sin (imo); to give up and undermine the mercy of Allah.

Edited by 2Timeless

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Bismehe Ta3ala 

Assalam Alikum 

Having a child out of wedlock is the most selfish act of the parents.  The child is hurt by society, parents (shown resentment by step-parents & parents) and is forever scarred for life.  Even by religion!

Islamic society should be strict and scorn the parents for doing this grave sin!  If people find out good, it should be a lesson for others to stay far far away from this family shattering, destructive and abhorrent act.

A few minutes of pleasure a lifetime of consequences.

M3 Salamah, Fe Amin Allah 

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2 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

One name: Hurr (ra). He is the prime example of why we should never give up no matter what sin we commit. Is there any sin greater than making the life of imam hussein (as) and his family a living hell? Very, very few. And i think adultery is not among those sins that are worse than such a betrayal (I'm only trying to put things into perspective, I don't know what sharia's standpoint is).

This is the reason why so many people end up leaving Islam and hating Muslims. Never underestimate Allah's mercy and forgiveness. No matter what, we always have an opportunity to better ourselves and repent to Allah. 

Allah is the most compassionate and most merciful. If anything, that is the greatest message from the Qur'an. It is so wrong to tell someone to leave Islam because of one sin they committed. Yes, adultery is a big sin, and this sister needs to rectify her wrong, but never, should we ever give up. That is the greater sin (imo); to give up and undermine the mercy of Allah.

Absolutely agree. It is terrible advice, indeed, to ask someone to respond to a major sin (adultery) by committing the two most major sins of them all (shirk/apostasy and despairing in God's Mercy) by leaving Islam altogether. Any and every sin can be forgiven by God. A Muslim's responsibility to seek forgiveness, and not to give up on Him entirely.

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