Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
Sign in to follow this  
anonymousshia

Marriage confusion

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

sellam, 

Is it permissible for a woman and man to get to know each other before an engagement for the purpose of getting married and to get to know each other. Also any advice for young marriage, what to expect, the advantages, disadvantages, should I consider living with my future in laws, first year of marriage, etc. 

I get very nervous when I meet new people and sometimes end up making a fool of myself, I feel that he is that way from his side as well, anyone have similar experience. 

if you can answer this, then pls do - How did you meet your spouse/wife? and were you both nervous, how long did it take for each of you to open up to each other more?

Were any of you studying during marriage, how did this impact on your studies? Any one here planning to get engaged soon? Is anyone here engaged? what is the process like? Is there an "instant" click? 

Any advice overall

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Definitely spend some time trying to get to know the person.  Ask the other person about their core values, how they plan to raise children, your roles and responsibilities etc.  Since you are young it can be challenging but try and keep your emotions out of it and be practical. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/14/2018 at 1:14 AM, King said:

Definitely spend some time trying to get to know the person.  Ask the other person about their core values, how they plan to raise children, your roles and responsibilities etc.  Since you are young it can be challenging but try and keep your emotions out of it and be practical. 

will do brother, do not worry as I am keeping very practical with the situation.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not only permissible but also recommended in today's age, it's not like the older times where you can get married without ever having met the person and be able to live it out. Divorce rates are much higher now due to whatever reason and it's really important that you and your future spouse are on the same page. I know lots of people who have been divorced (where both the male and female were good people) just because they had different priorities in life (for example the woman wanting to  pursue a big career while the man wanting to settle down and have lots of kids etc, neither of which is wrong) and many other reasons like that. 

Feeling nervous is natural, and if the first meetup doesn't work out it gets easier with each meet up, seriously don't worry about rejection, some ppl get so depressed and suicidal when one match up says no and they feel like its the end of the world. 

Also yes I was studying when I got married, and it helps a lot, in fact it should be recommended to marry while studying, ppl think it will cause distractions but rather it helps the person focus, motivates and removes all anxiety and frustration as well. Problem is that parents of both spouses need to be accommodating of this and need to understand the importance of supporting their kids like this.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Kirmani said:

Not only permissible but also recommended in today's age, it's not like the older times where you can get married without ever having met the person and be able to live it out. Divorce rates are much higher now due to whatever reason and it's really important that you and your future spouse are on the same page. I know lots of people who have been divorced (where both the male and female were good people) just because they had different priorities in life (for example the woman wanting to  pursue a big career while the man wanting to settle down and have lots of kids etc, neither of which is wrong) and many other reasons like that. 

Feeling nervous is natural, and if the first meetup doesn't work out it gets easier with each meet up, seriously don't worry about rejection, some ppl get so depressed and suicidal when one match up says no and they feel like its the end of the world. 

Also yes I was studying when I got married, and it helps a lot, in fact it should be recommended to marry while studying, ppl think it will cause distractions but rather it helps the person focus, motivates and removes all anxiety and frustration as well. Problem is that parents of both spouses need to be accommodating of this and need to understand the importance of supporting their kids like this.

 

Thank you hun! any advice. We're both very mature alhamdulilah, our families have met and almost everything is sorted but still dont know why I get nervous...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/13/2018 at 8:24 AM, anonymousshia said:

Is it permissible for a woman and man to get to know each other before an engagement for the purpose of getting married and to get to know each other.

I would put that under the highly recommended category. You need to sit and discuss anything and everything that comes to mind. Career goals, life goals, children, hobbies, interests, etc...the whole spectrum of things that may come to mind. There should be an openness and maturity during this process and this also serves as an excellent judge of what type of person you are speaking with. Getting a gauge of what questions the other person is asking will be an excellent marker of their maturity level. An immature person will ask superficial and meaningless questions while a person with emotional and intellectual depth will ask questions with much more meaning and maturity. (i.e. a limited maturity person will ask what movies or TV shows a person watches, while a more mature person will ask questions regarding what someone's opinion on Brexit is perhaps).

On 11/13/2018 at 8:24 AM, anonymousshia said:

Also any advice for young marriage, what to expect, the advantages, disadvantages, should I consider living with my future in laws, first year of marriage, etc. 

The first year of marriage is really when a person's maturity comes into play. That is the time when you are really getting to know the person you have married. You will learn their likes & dislikes, their strengths & weaknesses, how they are as a person, etc...this is the time when maturity comes into play for the couple the most. It is during this time that you realize that the person you married isn't the perfect person you had imagined during your engagement phase. Nothing wrong with this because no one is perfect but its a this time you learn the true depth of your spouse. Its during this time that communication is key. Both people need to have an open line when communicating with each other along with a respect for the other person's opinion and point of view. This is the period when a person learns what they need to compromise on and what things they need to hold firm on. 

On 11/13/2018 at 8:24 AM, anonymousshia said:

How did you meet your spouse/wife?

We met in college.

On 11/13/2018 at 8:24 AM, anonymousshia said:

how long did it take for each of you to open up to each other more?

This doesn't happen overnight. It takes time. Months perhaps. You have to develop a comfort level with the other person and once that is established then the sharing of opinions and things of that nature can begin. It is during this period that you decide whether the person is right for you or not.

On 11/13/2018 at 8:24 AM, anonymousshia said:

Were any of you studying during marriage, how did this impact on your studies?

We both got engaged during college but got married after we both graduated. I'm not a fan of getting married while studying. As I mentioned above the first year of marriage is challenging enough without having to worry about your grades. Depending on the field which you are studying then the stress of studying only adds another layer for a young couple to handle in an already demanding stage of their life. Also, add to this any post grad studies or licensing exams that need to be passed for a person to land a job.

On 11/13/2018 at 8:24 AM, anonymousshia said:

Is there an "instant" click?

for physical attraction...yes.

For the personality and inner nature...no (and that's the way it should be). Getting to know a person's inner personality and nature only happens over time. This is much more important than physical appearance.

This is just the opinion of a person that grew up in the U.S. who married a girl from the U.S. as well. Naturally, other people from other parts of the world will give you different answers based on their cultures and beliefs. Be wary of bitter divorced people that like to speak ill because they have gone through bad marriages.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Akbar673 said:

I would put that under the highly recommended category. You need to sit and discuss anything and everything that comes to mind. Career goals, life goals, children, hobbies, interests, etc...the whole spectrum of things that may come to mind. There should be an openness and maturity during this process and this also serves as an excellent judge of what type of person you are speaking with. Getting a gauge of what questions the other person is asking will be an excellent marker of their maturity level. An immature person will ask superficial and meaningless questions while a person with emotional and intellectual depth will ask questions with much more meaning and maturity. (i.e. a limited maturity person will ask what movies or TV shows a person watches, while a more mature person will ask questions regarding what someone's opinion on Brexit is perhaps).

The first year of marriage is really when a person's maturity comes into play. That is the time when you are really getting to know the person you have married. You will learn their likes & dislikes, their strengths & weaknesses, how they are as a person, etc...this is the time when maturity comes into play for the couple the most. It is during this time that you realize that the person you married isn't the perfect person you had imagined during your engagement phase. Nothing wrong with this because no one is perfect but its a this time you learn the true depth of your spouse. Its during this time that communication is key. Both people need to have an open line when communicating with each other along with a respect for the other person's opinion and point of view. This is the period when a person learns what they need to compromise on and what things they need to hold firm on. 

We met in college.

This doesn't happen overnight. It takes time. Months perhaps. You have to develop a comfort level with the other person and once that is established then the sharing of opinions and things of that nature can begin. It is during this period that you decide whether the person is right for you or not.

We both got engaged during college but got married after we both graduated. I'm not a fan of getting married while studying. As I mentioned above the first year of marriage is challenging enough without having to worry about your grades. Depending on the field which you are studying then the stress of studying only adds another layer for a young couple to handle in an already demanding stage of their life. Also, add to this any post grad studies or licensing exams that need to be passed for a person to land a job.

for physical attraction...yes.

For the personality and inner nature...no (and that's the way it should be). Getting to know a person's inner personality and nature only happens over time. This is much more important than physical appearance.

This is just the opinion of a person that grew up in the U.S. who married a girl from the U.S. as well. Naturally, other people from other parts of the world will give you different answers based on their cultures and beliefs. Be wary of bitter divorced people that like to speak ill because they have gone through bad marriages.

jazakkallah khairun brother for sharing. :) 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...