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Maria Shah

Been in haram relationship for five years behind families back but in love

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I have been in a haram relationship for five years now, all behind my families back. The guy is non Muslim but we have been through everything together. He’s done a lot for me and same with me for him. There’s no doubt about my love for him and his love for me people have constantly commented on how much passion we have for each other (friends), I tried splitting up with him a couple of times to get back on track but we always find a way back to each other whether it’s months later or whatever. I feel so much peace with him that I can’t get anywhere else. I have had a very tough family life, mum and dad split when I wasn’t younger and he used to abuse her. My younger brother passed away 2 years ago to a car accident at 16 years so it has been very tough and he is a sense of escapism from all that. I have considered just running away from my family changing my number and everything and staying with him and leaving them a note about what’s being going on. I just see my future with him we’ve made so many plans and I have been awful to him but he’s always been there no matter what. We have slept together as well and planned on getting engaged in summer before I split up with him out of fear. He thinks my family know about us but they don’t. I just don’t want a future unless it’s with him and I don’t know what to do. Please can I get some advice and no negative comments please as I am already fighting a battle in my head and genuinely really am seeking for help, as everyday I just want to run away from home. 

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Ask him to accept Islam. And repent. And marry him. I hope you haven't engaged in Haram relationship with anybody else other than him.

Of you truly are a "Shah" you just accepted that you slept with a non Muslim. Sister, that is terrible. May Allah forgive you. Repent, please. And do not share such things openly. 

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26 minutes ago, Maria Shah said:

I have been in a haram relationship for five years now, all behind my families back. The guy is non Muslim but we have been through everything together. He’s done a lot for me and same with me for him. There’s no doubt about my love for him and his love for me people have constantly commented on how much passion we have for each other (friends), I tried splitting up with him a couple of times to get back on track but we always find a way back to each other whether it’s months later or whatever. I feel so much peace with him that I can’t get anywhere else. I have had a very tough family life, mum and dad split when I wasn’t younger and he used to abuse her. My younger brother passed away 2 years ago to a car accident at 16 years so it has been very tough and he is a sense of escapism from all that. I have considered just running away from my family changing my number and everything and staying with him and leaving them a note about what’s being going on. I just see my future with him we’ve made so many plans and I have been awful to him but he’s always been there no matter what. We have slept together as well and planned on getting engaged in summer before I split up with him out of fear. He thinks my family know about us but they don’t. I just don’t want a future unless it’s with him and I don’t know what to do. Please can I get some advice and no negative comments please as I am already fighting a battle in my head and genuinely really am seeking for help, as everyday I just want to run away from home. 

Salam sister. I think he should look into Islam and see if he finds it convincing. At least that way you heart will be at more Peace 

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Talk to him about Islam, and marriage, and if you want to get married, nudge him to look into Islam and gently tell him to convert. 

Have you talked about marriage recently with him? 

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46 minutes ago, Maria Shah said:

I have been in a haram relationship for five years now, all behind my families back. The guy is non Muslim but we have been through everything together. He’s done a lot for me and same with me for him. There’s no doubt about my love for him and his love for me people have constantly commented on how much passion we have for each other (friends), I tried splitting up with him a couple of times to get back on track but we always find a way back to each other whether it’s months later or whatever. I feel so much peace with him that I can’t get anywhere else. I have had a very tough family life, mum and dad split when I wasn’t younger and he used to abuse her. My younger brother passed away 2 years ago to a car accident at 16 years so it has been very tough and he is a sense of escapism from all that. I have considered just running away from my family changing my number and everything and staying with him and leaving them a note about what’s being going on. I just see my future with him we’ve made so many plans and I have been awful to him but he’s always been there no matter what. We have slept together as well and planned on getting engaged in summer before I split up with him out of fear. He thinks my family know about us but they don’t. I just don’t want a future unless it’s with him and I don’t know what to do. Please can I get some advice and no negative comments please as I am already fighting a battle in my head and genuinely really am seeking for help, as everyday I just want to run away from home. 

You could go for muttah despite its is makruh . One of the bad thing happened that with this he will take all Muslim women cheap. But my prayers and if he converts to Islam marry him

Edited by Zulfiqar1472

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6 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Why not getting married when he converts to Islam? Many men who are in love and willing to spend the rest of their lives with someone, and are willing to convert. I’ve seen it happen to a few people.

when the relationship is as deep as it is, they must marry, but the guy needs to convert first. 

2408. If a person commits fornication with an unmarried woman and who is not in Iddah, as a precaution, he cannot marry her till he has sought forgiveness from Allah, and repented. But if another person wishes to marry her before she has repented, there is no objection. If a woman is known as a lewd person, it will not be permissible to marry her till she has genuinely repented, and similarly, it is not permissible to marry a man known for his lustful character, till he has genuinely repented. If a man wishes to marry a woman of loose character, he should, as a precaution, wait till she becomes Pak from her menses, irrespective of whether he had committed fornication with her, or anyone else had done so.

https://www.sistani.org/english/book/48/2348/

 

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Salaam Alaykum

Introduce him to Islam and gradually let your family know about that. Keep your relationship with your family. 

Talk with a Shaykh about your situation. Be away from Haraam and make your relationship Halal by marriage

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As long as he recites shahada, you can marry him and it's done. You don't need him to be a sincere muslim, just to recite the shahada and "accept" Islam. The only complexity in all of this is to get circumcised, though nowaday the surgery is pretty easy and affordable.

I won't judge your past with him, but I encourage you to learn from it at least. The secrecy, the ill thoughts of fleeing and leaving your family, etc. are consequence of not speaking openly about your plans and feelings. You love this man and are sure about him, then go ahead and marry him, but do everything step by step, in order not to ruin your relationship. Your religion and culture are an integral part of who you are, and if he loves you, he will have to respect that as well.

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17 hours ago, Akbar673 said:

If he is either a Christian or a Jew then you have marriage options available to you.

 

17 hours ago, Akbar673 said:

Marriage - From a Shia Islamic perspective Marriage is only valid with a person who believes in the oneness of God (Muslim, Christian or a Jew). 

Salam

Brother, are you sure about the bold part? Do you have any sources?

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20 hours ago, Zulfiqar1472 said:

You could go for muttah despite its is makruh . One of the bad thing happened that with this he will take all Muslim women cheap. But my prayers and if he converts to Islam marry him

A muslim women cannot do mutah with a non muslim man.

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3 hours ago, ss99 said:

Salam

Brother, are you sure about the bold part? Do you have any sources?

Thank you for pointing that out. You are correct in that Muslim men are allowed to marry Ahle Kitab while women are not. 

I was thinking from a man's perspective on that not from a woman's. 

To the OP: He would have to convert to Islam before a marriage could happen. 

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23 hours ago, Maria Shah said:

I have been in a haram relationship for five years now, all behind my families back. The guy is non Muslim but we have been through everything together. He’s done a lot for me and same with me for him. There’s no doubt about my love for him and his love for me people have constantly commented on how much passion we have for each other (friends), I tried splitting up with him a couple of times to get back on track but we always find a way back to each other whether it’s months later or whatever. I feel so much peace with him that I can’t get anywhere else. I have had a very tough family life, mum and dad split when I wasn’t younger and he used to abuse her. My younger brother passed away 2 years ago to a car accident at 16 years so it has been very tough and he is a sense of escapism from all that. I have considered just running away from my family changing my number and everything and staying with him and leaving them a note about what’s being going on. I just see my future with him we’ve made so many plans and I have been awful to him but he’s always been there no matter what. We have slept together as well and planned on getting engaged in summer before I split up with him out of fear. He thinks my family know about us but they don’t. I just don’t want a future unless it’s with him and I don’t know what to do. Please can I get some advice and no negative comments please as I am already fighting a battle in my head and genuinely really am seeking for help, as everyday I just want to run away from home. 

السَّلآمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ الله وبَرَكآتُه 

Sister, an human is to err, no worries, Human beings make error and commit sin, it is okay.

I am so happy to see that you are seeking help and this forum I wish could provide you with help إِنْ شَاء َ اللَّه.

Sister you know I somewhere read a quote by our master Ali(as).

He says that how unlucky is someone who asks other to pray while his/her mother is alive.

In another instance we see Prophet Musa(as) being told by Allah after the demise of his respected mother(asws) 'O Musa watch your steps as your mother is not there anymore to supplicate for you'.

There are multiple examples set in our life by Allah to show the importance of mothers.

So first thing is first, Call your mother and tell her that you wish to meet her, see her find out how is she doing first which obviously would not be good as her daughter has left her.

Meet her at first, tell her all the problems of your life and before calling her, talk to Imam e Zaman(asws) in your heart and tell him verbally and literally that you are calling your mother with all the good intentions and ask him(asws) to help you. Talk to him(asws) just as you talk with other people.

Believe me when I say this half of your problems will be solved at that moment itself.

Come back here and update to what happened after you met your mother.

Your one friend who will not misguide you is your mother and the master of our time Imam e Zaman(asws), take her blessings my dear sister, your innerself will be satisfied and do it and do it the way mentioned kindly ^^^^.

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23 hours ago, Maria Shah said:

I have been in a haram relationship for five years now, all behind my families back. The guy is non Muslim but we have been through everything together. He’s done a lot for me and same with me for him. There’s no doubt about my love for him and his love for me people have constantly commented on how much passion we have for each other (friends), I tried splitting up with him a couple of times to get back on track but we always find a way back to each other whether it’s months later or whatever. I feel so much peace with him that I can’t get anywhere else. I have had a very tough family life, mum and dad split when I wasn’t younger and he used to abuse her. My younger brother passed away 2 years ago to a car accident at 16 years so it has been very tough and he is a sense of escapism from all that. I have considered just running away from my family changing my number and everything and staying with him and leaving them a note about what’s being going on. I just see my future with him we’ve made so many plans and I have been awful to him but he’s always been there no matter what. We have slept together as well and planned on getting engaged in summer before I split up with him out of fear. He thinks my family know about us but they don’t. I just don’t want a future unless it’s with him and I don’t know what to do. Please can I get some advice and no negative comments please as I am already fighting a battle in my head and genuinely really am seeking for help, as everyday I just want to run away from home. 

Oh one important point.

The sins that we commit in 'Huqooq Allah' are very likely to be forgiven like alcohol, adultery etccc...

But

The sins that we commit in 'Huqooq ul Ibaadh' are very likely to take us to hell (May Allah give us taufeeq) like hurting people by our acts and deeds especially our parents irrespective of their (character and personal life).

A wise man once said that even if one's mother is a prostitute then also she needs to be given the equal respect that everyone else's parents deserve.

Don't worry, your innerself is alive say alhamdulilah and seek help through patience and prayers.

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On 11/5/2018 at 11:27 PM, Maria Shah said:

I have been in a haram relationship for five years now, all behind my families back. The guy is non Muslim but we have been through everything together. He’s done a lot for me and same with me for him. There’s no doubt about my love for him and his love for me people have constantly commented on how much passion we have for each other (friends), I tried splitting up with him a couple of times to get back on track but we always find a way back to each other whether it’s months later or whatever. I feel so much peace with him that I can’t get anywhere else. I have had a very tough family life, mum and dad split when I wasn’t younger and he used to abuse her. My younger brother passed away 2 years ago to a car accident at 16 years so it has been very tough and he is a sense of escapism from all that. I have considered just running away from my family changing my number and everything and staying with him and leaving them a note about what’s being going on. I just see my future with him we’ve made so many plans and I have been awful to him but he’s always been there no matter what. We have slept together as well and planned on getting engaged in summer before I split up with him out of fear. He thinks my family know about us but they don’t. I just don’t want a future unless it’s with him and I don’t know what to do. Please can I get some advice and no negative comments please as I am already fighting a battle in my head and genuinely really am seeking for help, as everyday I just want to run away from home. 

It depends upon which country do you belong. Your parents love you or not. You love your parents or not. Do anybody bothers if you marry a non muslim. What is the religion of your boy friend.

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On 11/6/2018 at 11:58 AM, Asghar Ali Karbalai said:

The sins that we commit in 'Huqooq ul Ibaadh' are very likely to take us to hell (May Allah give us taufeeq) like hurting people by our acts and deeds especially our parents irrespective of their (character and personal life).

A wise man once said that even if one's mother is a prostitute then also she needs to be given the equal respect that everyone else's parents deserve.

What about the fact that many parents are happy or unhappy with their kids, not because of kids' behavior, but due to their own biases. You mentioned mother, and it's a known fact that mothers like their sons more and fathers like their daughters more. I was a favorite of my parents when I was a kid, and honestly I didn't do anything to deserve it. In fact, i used to throw a lot of tantrums and I had autistic meltdowns. I was always sick and my mother had to stay awake many nights to take care of me. But now I am much more well behaved and I am independent. My mother doesn't need to take care of me, but still she is unhappy with me because my father is unhappy with me. My father is unhappy because he like his other daughter and his other daughter doesn't like to share anything, even her parents. So both my parents are unhappy with me because of my sister's selfishness. It's not my fault and there's nothing I can do to change it other than flattering and becoming a slave to their favorite daughter. How is this fair? It's a fact that most parents are not happy/ unhappy with their kids due to their behavior or obedience. Most people are shallow and superficial, and they like their good looking and successful kids, the kids who can make them proud among their relatives and friends. Why should kids get punished for their parents' unreasonable biases? 

One more thing is that parents' happiness can help someone in this world but it won't help them in the next world. I have seen it with my own eyes, people who were evil but successful in life because their parents were happy with them. As soon as the parents died, the person became miserable and started having all kinds of problems. This proves that if you are evil and still your parents are happy with you for some reason, it won't help you forever. 

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13 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

One more thing is that parents' happiness can help someone in this world but it won't help them in the next world. I have seen it with my own eyes, people who were evil but successful in life because their parents were happy with them. As soon as the parents died, the person became miserable and started having all kinds of problems. This proves that if you are evil and still your parents are happy with you for some reason, it won't help you forever. 

Very good point you have mentioned here, I would like to say something on this.

When the mother of Prophet Musa(asws) passed away, Allah said to Prophet Musa(asws) O Musa, watch your steps, now your mother is not alive to pray for you.

This goes to show the signifance of our parents as well as to when they are alive things can be good and things can go wrong when they have passed away.

Having said that, This person who you have mentioned about that he/she was evil in nature but because his/her parents were alive he/she was getting the benefits and as soon as they passed away things became miserable for him/her because neither of them was there to pray for his/her child.

If only that person was not evil in nature with others then even after the death of his/her parents had he/she watched his/her steps he/she would have not faced the miseries most probably.

In regards to the initial part that you have mentioned to some extent you are right and I agree with you but obedience towards parents and their happiness matters above all to Allah to be honest.

The companion of Prophet(saww) Hazrat Owais Al Qarani(asws) is another example of this. His mother's permission was not there that he should leave her and go far to see the Prophet(saww) as his mother used to remain very ill and he had to say around always to take care of her irrespective of anything and by performing his duty so devotedly towards his parents he attained such a position that he was included in the list of 'Sahabas' even though he never ever saw the Prophet(saww). Prophet(saww) mentioned him many a times.

I know it is really very hard at times to meet our old parents requirement and in those hard times I would only suggest you with the best of examples in Islam that just try and manage it some way possible dear for the sake of Allahسُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى and we must not wash our hands away from our parents as they did not wash their hands from us when we were small and probably untolerable.

An Ayah states in Quran:

رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا

Rab-bir hum huma kama rabbayani sagheera.  [Surah bani Isra'il; 17: 24]


O Allah! bestow on my parents Thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood

Even if the parents are disbelievers we have to try and keep them happy, leave alone about upsetting the believing parents dear.

We have to grow old too what if we become like them and our kids become like how we are, Won't it be bad.

And above all by pleasing our parents in the end we are pleasing Allah, Prophet Mohammad(saww) o Aal(asws) e Mohammad(saww) and if they become pleased by us then that is our TRUE VICTORY.

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Ask Allah for mercy and stop doing this despite  you did wrong make it a lesson for yourself and leave it on Allah.

BTW it is probhoted to announce your sinsto others as this give others another path.

Sister stay blessed and try to focus and get back to your roots.

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On 11/5/2018 at 6:43 PM, Islandsandmirrors said:

Why not getting married when he converts to Islam? Many men who are in love and willing to spend the rest of their lives with someone, and are willing to convert. I’ve seen it happen to a few people.

when the relationship is as deep as it is, they must marry, but the guy needs to convert first. 

I have discussed this with him before and he is willing to convert recite shahadah for the sake of being with me but the one thing I’m afraid of is he does not truly believe and is rather doing it to just simply be with me. 

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On 11/6/2018 at 5:41 PM, Asghar Ali Karbalai said:

السَّلآمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ الله وبَرَكآتُه 

Sister, an human is to err, no worries, Human beings make error and commit sin, it is okay.

I am so happy to see that you are seeking help and this forum I wish could provide you with help إِنْ شَاء َ اللَّه.

Sister you know I somewhere read a quote by our master Ali(as).

He says that how unlucky is someone who asks other to pray while his/her mother is alive.

In another instance we see Prophet Musa(as) being told by Allah after the demise of his respected mother(asws) 'O Musa watch your steps as your mother is not there anymore to supplicate for you'.

There are multiple examples set in our life by Allah to show the importance of mothers.

So first thing is first, Call your mother and tell her that you wish to meet her, see her find out how is she doing first which obviously would not be good as her daughter has left her.

Meet her at first, tell her all the problems of your life and before calling her, talk to Imam e Zaman(asws) in your heart and tell him verbally and literally that you are calling your mother with all the good intentions and ask him(asws) to help you. Talk to him(asws) just as you talk with other people.

Believe me when I say this half of your problems will be solved at that moment itself.

Come back here and update to what happened after you met your mother.

Your one friend who will not misguide you is your mother and the master of our time Imam e Zaman(asws), take her blessings my dear sister, your innerself will be satisfied and do it and do it the way mentioned kindly ^^^^.

I am afraid to tell my mother about it all as I feel she will disown me. She has been through a lot herself in her life and this will break her as she won’t see things for how they are but rather that I’m simply doing wrong and this is why I’m too scared to face and want to just run away

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On 11/6/2018 at 6:51 AM, Bakir said:

As long as he recites shahada, you can marry him and it's done. You don't need him to be a sincere muslim, just to recite the shahada and "accept" Islam. The only complexity in all of this is to get circumcised, though nowaday the surgery is pretty easy and affordable.

I won't judge your past with him, but I encourage you to learn from it at least. The secrecy, the ill thoughts of fleeing and leaving your family, etc. are consequence of not speaking openly about your plans and feelings. You love this man and are sure about him, then go ahead and marry him, but do everything step by step, in order not to ruin your relationship. Your religion and culture are an integral part of who you are, and if he loves you, he will have to respect that as well.

Thankyou so much for your reply. First thing is i’ve Discussed with him about marriage and he said he would convert for me and will recite shahadah however I’m afraid he’s more doing it for the sake of being with me than believing himself and I wouldn’t want that. I am in such a dilemma I have kept it all to myself in secrecy for so long I have dug a huge home that I cannot escape and the only peace I find is when I’m with him. I know for certain he would stick by me no matter how many excuses I’ve used to leave him he’s always come back checking on how I am. He’s even changed habits in him that I didn’t like and it’s all to keep me happy. Explaining and showing you are two different things and I wish I could tell you how we felt about one another. 

 

Im just afraid. I know my family will disown me in seconds and I also know that no one will match up to him ever. I’ve never been more certain on someone yet I can’t do this to my family I just really need help because this is making me so depressed. I just want to do what’s best now by my religion and Allah, I have done a lot of bad and I have admitted so but now I want to do the right thing. I have even spoke to my mum about getting me married within the next year, I just want to do the right thing but I can’t do all this to him and then just leave him when I feel like it. I’ve just created such a big mess hiding and I don’t know how to clear it. 

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On 11/7/2018 at 6:45 PM, Raheel Yunus said:

It depends upon which country do you belong. Your parents love you or not. You love your parents or not. Do anybody bothers if you marry a non muslim. What is the religion of your boy friend.

I am from Pakistan originally but grew up in the Uk. I love my parents immensely just as they love me. But they are not together, they separated when I was very young due to abusive relationship. He does not really follow a religion but family is Christian. 

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On 11/6/2018 at 1:39 AM, AmirAlmuminin Lover said:

Salaam Alaykum

Introduce him to Islam and gradually let your family know about that. Keep your relationship with your family. 

Talk with a Shaykh about your situation. Be away from Haraam and make your relationship Halal by marriage

Thankyou very much for your answer. But it’s just so complicated. I would love it to be so simply but it will be a huge thing for my family and everyone will disown me. No one will speak to me and I will get kicked out. First thing is they won’t take it seriously and if I tell them how long I’ve been with him they’ll hate me for hiding from them. I don’t know who to contact without being judged but I’m in such a mess and don’t know what to do. My family will never accept him. My mum and dad aren’t together (they split when I was younger due to an abusive relationship), and my dad is very aggressive and an angry man but also blindly follows Islam in these things and won’t stand for anything of the sort. He can’t even stand it if I go and see a friend without swearing and shouting at me. So as you can see I’m so afraid it’s unreal I don’t know what to do but also never been more certain on a boy in my life. I just want some advice on what’s best to do and the right thing because I’m driving myself crazy thinking over it. 

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On 11/5/2018 at 6:19 PM, M. Saad Ali Hashmi said:

Ask him to accept Islam. And repent. And marry him. I hope you haven't engaged in Haram relationship with anybody else other than him.

Of you truly are a "Shah" you just accepted that you slept with a non Muslim. Sister, that is terrible. May Allah forgive you. Repent, please. And do not share such things openly. 

I have not engaged in any other just him. I did not want to but I also really need help on my situation as I’m struggling so much with deen and him. I understand how this will be but I can’t project my emotions clearly over the internet all I can say is it’s a mess I’ve created but I just want advice on how to do the right thing because I’m losing my mind over it and don’t know where to go for help

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On 11/5/2018 at 1:18 PM, Akbar673 said:

Repentance will serve you best in regard to this at this point. However, discontinue the relationship until you can make it halal. Either through Mutah or through a Nikah.

Define Non-Muslim. Is he Ahle Kitab ?

Clearly, the two of you share an emotional bond. If he is either a Christian or a Jew then you have marriage options available to you. However, if he is not a follower of an Abrahamic faith then things are going to become very complicated.

Sounds like you have many things going on in your life. Have you considered therapy?

Again, repentance will serve you best on this front with the intention of not comitting it again until you are in a halal relationship.

You have to clarify this to him. Sooner, than later.

  1. Therapy - In your post you have made several mentions of items which have led to you being in a state which requires psychiatric intervention. Depression comes to mind right off the bat but there could be other factors as well. You need to make yourself well before entering any relationship.
  2. How old are you? I'm guessing based on the information that you gave in your post that you are 18(?). You're just a child but a child that has gone through more than she should have.
  3. Have faith in Allah and his limitless love and mercy for you. He's been with you every step of the way and remains with you. Turn to him in prayer and repentance. He's more aware of what you have suffered through and what you seek better than you may know it yourself.
  4. Marriage - From a Shia Islamic perspective Marriage is only valid with a person who believes in the oneness of God (Muslim, Christian or a Jew). If he is not of those faiths then your marriage to him will not hold water from an Islamic perspective. That being said it would be best if you presented this information to him along with how you truly feel about him. He might turn to one of those faiths as a result.

As I mentioned above you've gone through more in your life than most other people should but that doesn't mean you can't emerge stronger for it. Again, turn to Allah in prayer and repentance as well as seeking out therapy. Both will serve you well.

I just wanted to say Thankyou so much for such a sincere, understanding and genuine reply. I have found so much peace in just reading your reply. I felt suffocated in my own deeds and felt like there was no way out but your reply has provided me with so much understanding so thankyou. I just wanted to talk to you about a few things and see if you could provide some further guidance for me.  First thing is i’ve Discussed with him about marriage and he said he would convert for me and will recite shahadah however I’m afraid he’s more doing it for the sake of being with me than believing himself and I wouldn’t want that as he is from a Christian family but he doesn’t believe in god fully himself he is unsure sometimes he says he believes sometimes he questions any existence. I am in such a dilemma I have kept it all to myself in secrecy for so long I have dug a huge home that I cannot escape and the only peace I find is when I’m with him. I know for certain he would stick by me no matter how many excuses I’ve used to leave him he’s always come back checking on how I am. He’s even changed habits in him that I didn’t like and it’s all to keep me happy. Explaining and showing you are two different things and I wish I could tell you how we felt about one another. 

Im just afraid. I know my family will disown me in seconds and I also know that no one will match up to him ever. I’ve never been more certain on someone yet I can’t do this to my family I just really need help because this is making me so depressed. I just want to do what’s best now by my religion and Allah, I have done a lot of bad and I have admitted so but now I want to do the right thing. I have even spoke to my mum about getting me married within the next year, I just want to do the right thing but I can’t do all this to him and then just leave him when I feel like it. I’ve just created such a big mess hiding and I don’t know how to clear it. I have been through hell in my life and some things I can’t say on here no matter how open I’ve tried to be as it would shock you all, but I’ve been through any woman’s worst nightmares. I have a large family of 4 brothers (now 3 as one passed away) and two sisters. I constantly do what I can for all of them. My older sister only been in my life for 7 years and I feel like I do everything for her, she has three kids and although I’m doing a masters at the same time I cook for the kids get them ready in the morning feed them etc. Like I go out my way all the time to keep her happy however I feel like whenever things go wrong she takes it out on me. My mum has made some poor decisions in life one major one where it was evident she chose her husband over her kids in a situation I don’t know how any mother could. I still do what I can for mum and respect her. These are just minor things I’m describing to you in a large picture but what I’m trying to say is all my life my family have had big issues and they’re still going on. Being with this boy brings me so much peace. He understands and does what he can for me always and no matter how much I’ve pushed him away, he’s always come back and been there for me. He brings me more happiness than I’ve felt all my life and all I can see in my future is him and that is only where I see myself truly happy. I’m just so scared to make a step hence why I’m having thoughts of just running away. I just don’t know what to do, only Allah knows how difficult this is for me and an every minute battle in my mind. 

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@Maria Shah I am sorry to hear about the problems and heartaches you have experienced in your life sister especially the loss of your brother, May Allah grant him peace and jannah and ease your problems. 

I have seen similar examples of people such as yourself in the west how a male dominant figure, typically the father, is no longer around and young female members of the family find freedom to do as they please without anybody strong enough around to guide them. Its sad to witness such characters but I feel sorry for them. 

Non of us (apart from the ahlulbayt and the prophet peace be upon them all) are perfect. We all make mistakes it seems but its sad when we want to xome out of it but find it difficult to do so. 

People are giving you good advice here from religious perspective. Have you also sought professional advice. Simply talking to somebody open minded can help wonders.

Here in the UK we have free Samaritans phone advice service. Many people with problems benefit from them, typically those that are mentally unstable or suicidal. I sometimes use them too because it helps to speak to somebody about life problems. I say many od us are victims if society but never lose hope in your creator. Always remember Allah. 

Edited by Murtaza1

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8 hours ago, Murtaza1 said:

@Maria Shah I am sorry to hear about the problems and heartaches you have experienced in your life sister especially the loss of your brother, May Allah grant him peace and jannah and ease your problems. 

I have seen similar examples of people such as yourself in the west how a male dominant figure, typically the father, is no longer around and young female members of the family find freedom to do as they please without anybody strong enough around to guide them. Its sad to witness such characters but I feel sorry for them. 

Non of us (apart from the ahlulbayt and the prophet peace be upon them all) are perfect. We all make mistakes it seems but its sad when we want to xome out of it but find it difficult to do so. 

People are giving you good advice here from religious perspective. Have you also sought professional advice. Simply talking to somebody open minded can help wonders.

Here in the UK we have free Samaritans phone advice service. Many people with problems benefit from them, typically those that are mentally unstable or suicidal. I sometimes use them too because it helps to speak to somebody about life problems. I say many od us are victims if society but never lose hope in your creator. Allah remember Allah. 

 Ameen. Thankyou so much for your reply. Yes it has been very hard without a dad all my life. He recently came back into my life after my brother passed away however, he is constantly causing me distress. He is depressed himself and has always been an aggressive man and quite controlling and he is still is that today. I can’t miss a call off him or take a few minutes to reply to a text before he jumps down my throat for purposely ignoring him. My life has been so hard growing up and I still don’t feel I have gotten a break. You’ll probably see more detail in my replies to others but it’s not been easy. 

I have tried counselling however I did not feel it helped much and was rather a temporary relief. All the genuine therapists that may help are so expensive and time consuming that no matter how desperate I am to seek advice And help I just can’t even freely do so without either having to pay or some terms and conditions or waiting list. 

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58 minutes ago, Maria Shah said:

Thankyou very much for your answer. But it’s just so complicated. I would love it to be so simply but it will be a huge thing for my family and everyone will disown me. No one will speak to me and I will get kicked out. First thing is they won’t take it seriously and if I tell them how long I’ve been with him they’ll hate me for hiding from them. I don’t know who to contact without being judged but I’m in such a mess and don’t know what to do. My family will never accept him. My mum and dad aren’t together (they split when I was younger due to an abusive relationship), and my dad is very aggressive and an angry man but also blindly follows Islam in these things and won’t stand for anything of the sort. He can’t even stand it if I go and see a friend without swearing and shouting at me. So as you can see I’m so afraid it’s unreal I don’t know what to do but also never been more certain on a boy in my life. I just want some advice on what’s best to do and the right thing because I’m driving myself crazy thinking over it. 

From the perspective of a person who looks at your situation from outside, the only thing you need to do is to make your relationship Halal. Do not overthink. It makes you crazy. Take it easy and take ACTION. 

Talk with your partner about your concern and see if he is interested in Islam. You can marry a Muslim only. If he understands you and interested to Islam, you passed most of the path. Then you both go and talk with your father (please do NOT overthink about your father reactions, just do it). If your father accepts your marriage, you're done. If not, you can go and talk with a Shaykh and explain your situation. Shaykh can interfere and talk to your father.

Do not tell your parents that you've been with your partner for so long. Don't tell them you've been in Haram relationship. Tell them you KNOW the guy and he is a nice person. You heard that he is a nice person You need to talk with your partner first and explain your concern to him. I'm sure he becomes a Muslim and supports you in front of your dad inshaallah. Do not overthink. Take action and take it easy.

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7 minutes ago, AmirAlmuminin Lover said:

From the perspective of a person who looks at your situation from outside, the only thing you need to do is to make your relationship Halal. Do not overthink. It makes you crazy. Take it easy and take ACTION. 

Talk with your partner about your concern and see if he is interested in Islam. You can marry a Muslim only. If he understands you and interested to Islam, you passed most of the path. Then you both go and talk with your father (please do NOT overthink about your father reactions, just do it). If your father accepts your marriage, you're done. If not, you can go and talk with a Shaykh and explain your situation. Shaykh can interfere and talk to your father.

Do not tell your parents that you've been with your partner for so long. Don't tell them you've been in Haram relationship. Tell them you KNOW the guy and he is a nice person. You heard that he is a nice person You need to talk with your partner first and explain your concern to him. I'm sure he becomes a Muslim and supports you in front of your dad inshaallah. Do not overthink. Take action and take it easy.

Thankyou so much for your advice. You’ve reassured me a lot. My first step will be talking to him. I just wanted to say dad is a really aggressive and controlling man and will disown me in a second and probably try to hurt him, he’s really extreme. Mum however is more understanding, would you suggest after speaking to the guy telling my mum? I know she won’t take it lightly either but she’s more likely to understand. Thankyou so much again for the help you made it seem so simple which is what I needed. May Allah bless you eternally. 

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3 hours ago, Maria Shah said:

I have discussed this with him before and he is willing to convert recite shahadah for the sake of being with me but the one thing I’m afraid of is he does not truly believe and is rather doing it to just simply be with me. 

This is an excellent start. I’m sure if he is willing to convert, there is love in his heart for Islam. Even if he doesn’t say it. 

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8 hours ago, Laayla said:

Sister, I hope you are still not committing zina and have since made tawba

This kind of talk is what caused my vaginismus (google it). Instead, it would be better to say, “intimacy is only to be enjoyed by a husband and wife, only within the bounds of marriage.”

Stop saying that sex is bad. Sex is normal and natural, but only should be enjoyed by people who have made their relationship halal. Didn’t you know that the Middle East has the highest rate of vaginismus due to saying that sex is bad?

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