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In the Name of God بسم الله
Maria Shah

Been in haram relationship for five years behind families back but in love

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7 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Salam. You put yourself in a tough situation. It will not be easy to get things 'back to normal'. You need to realize this and prioritize things as there are several urgent issues involved in this that you must take care of

First, your relationship with your Creator, Allah(s.w.a) always comes first. As a muslima, this should be your priority. Your relationships with your family and your (potential) husband is a far second. I want you to think for a minute if you died tomorrow, being in a relationship that is based in Zina(adultry), not having repented. What do you think your situation in the akhira would be ? If you said not good, you are correct. It is true that Allah(s.w.a) is Merciful, but He(s.w.a) has placed some absolute limits on behavior for human beings. These limits are few, compared to the scope of potential human behavior, but if you pass those few limits, you have exposed yourself to the potential wrath of Allah(s.w.a). This is troubling you, and it should. 

This is what is the main cause of your anxiety and depression. When your connection to Allah(s.w.a) becomes tenuous due to sin, this is the source of all other problems. You need to fix this first, and right away. Do not wait on this. You have a decision to make. 

This is the main problem with these kinds of relationships. They prevent you from repenting, since you cannot repent (do taubah) while you are actively engaged in the sin without the intention to stop doing it. As long as you are not in a halal relationship with this guy, you are in an active state of sin. You are in a hole and digging it deeper. The first step to get out of a hole, is to stop making it deeper. 

You need to either make this relationship into a legitimate, halal marriage or end it. You need to decide this now. In order for it to be a legitimate, halal marriage, this guy needs to become muslim. There is no other way around it. A muslima cannot be married to a non muslim. He should learn about Islam, and be sincere in his reversion, and your relationship won't last long unless he does this, but at the same time you need to think about the present. If he is willing to do Shahada, I recommend he does it today or tomorrow at the latest. Then do your aqd that same day to make your marriage legitimate. You don't need witnesses for this. If you aren't sure how to recite the aqd, I'm sure someone here can help you with this. Either mutah or zawaj nikah, either is legitimate, but I recommend aqd of mutah for now, in case your relationship doesn't last, at least you won't have to go thru a divorce (which does require witnesses, at least in Shia Fiqh). 

If you are Sunni, maybe some others would have recommendations for the aqd. I am assuming your Shia(you might have said this sorry I didn't read all the posts on this thread). If you are Shia, I also recommend looking at the resalat of your marjaa' to see if your marjaa' requires your father's permission for the aqd. If they do, I would recommend switching to another marjaa', such as Sayyid Rouhani, who doesn't require a girl to get her father's permission for the aqd. 

After you have resolved the issue of marriage, then I would recommend informing your family about this, and your father. Your mother and father raised you and sacrificed for you and the least that you owe them is to not keep it secret from them. If there are bad consequences, then that is what will happen. Life is sometimes messy. You will learn that as you get older. In order to get thru life with your deen in tact, you need to live by a set of values and principles, and as long as you sticking to those values and principles (which for a muslim/a are based in Islam) then you can deal with the consequences, and Allah(s.w.a) will help you deal with them. If you feel like your father will physically attack your or harm you, then I recommend telling him in a public place and making accommodations for yourself that don't involve you living in the same house with him. I would make plans for those accommodations before you tell him, just in case. 

And if you want to know, IMHO, if it is better to end it or make it halal, it is better to end it and do taubah. That is because these kinds of relationships are, as they say, fraught with difficulty. There is a very small chance that this relationship will turn out well. I have been on SC for a while and have seen this more than a few times (when a muslima gets 'involved' with a non muslim guy). There are some very good reasons for this, which I won't get into now, but please consider this as you make your decision. Salam. 

 

Salam,

 

thankyoy so so much for your response. It has cleared my mind by a lot and provided me with clear guidance on how to do things step at a time and I have every intention of making it halal. It might sound stupid but I wasn’t aware of all these options of me islamically which is why I was struggling so much. Thankyou very much

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On 11/6/2018 at 3:24 AM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

@Laayla You do have a point but he is a non-Muslim and when he becomes a Muslim then aren't all his sins wiped away?

Brother Ali,

Assalam Alikum.

Insh'Allah you are well and in good health.

Please read Hajj Abo Hadi's response.  It's not that simple brother.

You cannot separate the person from the environment. 

I recommend the OP starts having a relationship with Surat al Noor.

Virtue of Sura An-Nur

The Prophet (S) in a tradition has said:

“Whoever reads Sura An-Nur (and applies it in his life), for each faithful woman and man who were in the past and will be in the future Allah will give him 10 good acts as reward.”

Imam Sadiq (as) says:

“Protect your property and preserve your chastity by reading Sura An-Nur and immunize your own wives against deviations through obeying its commandments, because whoever continues reading this Holy Sura in every day and night none of his family members will commit indecency as long as he lives.”1

Paying attention to the content of the Sura which stands against immodesty through various ways of efficient struggles with factors of deviation from the path of chastity makes clear the main idea of the above-mentioned tradition as well as its practical concept.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

 

 

 

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Some here needs to understand that for many young people love is a complicated and weird thing. You must also understand that the sister lives in the UK, where love, boyfriends etc., is completely normal. The typical replies such as ""IT'S HARAM" or "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" is not the appropriate thing to say. You need to understand the underlying reasons behind the actions.

Now, there is no doubt that you, dear sister, must stop the physical interaction with him (Zina, kissing and all that). This is the first step. You must tell him the truth: that you haven't told your family and that your relationship can't continue due to the fact that he isn't a Muslim. Now, he can do two things: 

1) Chose to become a Muslim just because he wants to be with you = you don't want that

2) Chose not becoming a Muslim = this means that you can't be with him at all

Number 1) really is tricky, because imagine if he just lives with you and then leaves you? He might not really believe in Islam, so that's no big deal for him. But for you, your life will be in a mess. You got to think about this.

Last but not least, you have to think about this: Is he really the most unique guy you have found? There are plenty guys out there who are Shiite and good Muslims, persons and all that. You have found one guy and suddenly you think you have found the only one? 

To summarize: You need to end the Haram aspect (sleeping with him etc.) and tell him the facts: Either he becomes a Muslim or you can't be with him. If he doesn't want to convert, your life will NOT be chaotic. You will find a better person. God is with us all.

May Allah support you in this difficult time. 

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5 hours ago, Ali-F said:

Some here needs to understand that for many young people love is a complicated and weird thing. You must also understand that the sister lives in the UK, where love, boyfriends etc., is completely normal. The typical replies such as ""IT'S HARAM" or "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" is not the appropriate thing to say. You need to understand the underlying reasons behind the actions.

Now, there is no doubt that you, dear sister, must stop the physical interaction with him (Zina, kissing and all that). This is the first step. You must tell him the truth: that you haven't told your family and that your relationship can't continue due to the fact that he isn't a Muslim. Now, he can do two things: 

1) Chose to become a Muslim just because he wants to be with you = you don't want that

2) Chose not becoming a Muslim = this means that you can't be with him at all

Number 1) really is tricky, because imagine if he just lives with you and then leaves you? He might not really believe in Islam, so that's no big deal for him. But for you, your life will be in a mess. You got to think about this.

Last but not least, you have to think about this: Is he really the most unique guy you have found? There are plenty guys out there who are Shiite and good Muslims, persons and all that. You have found one guy and suddenly you think you have found the only one? 

To summarize: You need to end the Haram aspect (sleeping with him etc.) and tell him the facts: Either he becomes a Muslim or you can't be with him. If he doesn't want to convert, your life will NOT be chaotic. You will find a better person. God is with us all.

May Allah support you in this difficult time. 

Thankyou so much for your response, inshallah it has opened my eyes abit and maybe I need to just stick to what’s important besides him and family and that’s only Allah and do what pleases him and atm non of what I’m doing will please him whether or not I had every intention to marry the guy, what I’m doing isn’t halal so I will act on it in the best way possible no matter how difficult it is. I would also like to Thankyou for your understanding in your response as it was already so difficult for me to open up in a social site like this but I didnt know where else to go. 

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On 12/5/2018 at 7:02 PM, Maria Shah said:

I am from Pakistan originally but grew up in the Uk. I love my parents immensely just as they love me. But they are not together, they separated when I was very young due to abusive relationship. He does not really follow a religion but family is Christian. 

As i understand........
You from Pakistan living in UK.
Parents separated, an abusive relationship.(father abuser)
You living with your mother.
Younger brother died in an accident.
You still love your parents
Your parents love you.
You love your friend. He christian.
He ready to convert.
You see your future with him want to marry him.
Your family not know about this.
Afraid to marry as your family disown you.

Before you make a decision you must know about your mother
IF         She truly loves you.
            Want to see you happy.

Than
Let her know about your relationship. She is the only person in the world who can guide you. Do what she says.

Else

Before you make a decision you must know about your friend.

He love his parents, if not, do not marry him.
He working, able to earn enough to support you. if not, do not marry him
His behaviour with other people is good, if not, do not marry him.
He short tempered, if yes, do not marry him.
He a womanizer,drug addict, cheat others, liar, if yes, do not marry him

Otherwise
If he converts
Marry him. Make your relationship halal.

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On 12/5/2018 at 6:17 PM, Maria Shah said:

I am afraid to tell my mother about it all as I feel she will disown me. She has been through a lot herself in her life and this will break her as she won’t see things for how they are but rather that I’m simply doing wrong and this is why I’m too scared to face and want to just run away

her disowning will be temporary it is okay just tell her slowly slowly approach her

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3 hours ago, Raheel Yunus said:

As i understand........
You from Pakistan living in UK.
Parents separated, an abusive relationship.(father abuser)
You living with your mother.
Younger brother died in an accident.
You still love your parents
Your parents love you.
You love your friend. He christian.
He ready to convert.
You see your future with him want to marry him.
Your family not know about this.
Afraid to marry as your family disown you.

Before you make a decision you must know about your mother
IF         She truly loves you.
            Want to see you happy.

Than
Let her know about your relationship. She is the only person in the world who can guide you. Do what she says.

Else

Before you make a decision you must know about your friend.

He love his parents, if not, do not marry him.
He working, able to earn enough to support you. if not, do not marry him
His behaviour with other people is good, if not, do not marry him.
He short tempered, if yes, do not marry him.
He a womanizer,drug addict, cheat others, liar, if yes, do not marry him

Otherwise
If he converts
Marry him. Make your relationship halal.

Thankyou so much for such an eye opening response. 

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