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In the Name of God بسم الله
Maria Shah

Been in haram relationship for five years behind families back but in love

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8 hours ago, Murtaza1 said:

@Maria Shah I am sorry to hear about the problems and heartaches you have experienced in your life sister especially the loss of your brother, May Allah grant him peace and jannah and ease your problems. 

I have seen similar examples of people such as yourself in the west how a male dominant figure, typically the father, is no longer around and young female members of the family find freedom to do as they please without anybody strong enough around to guide them. Its sad to witness such characters but I feel sorry for them. 

Non of us (apart from the ahlulbayt and the prophet peace be upon them all) are perfect. We all make mistakes it seems but its sad when we want to xome out of it but find it difficult to do so. 

People are giving you good advice here from religious perspective. Have you also sought professional advice. Simply talking to somebody open minded can help wonders.

Here in the UK we have free Samaritans phone advice service. Many people with problems benefit from them, typically those that are mentally unstable or suicidal. I sometimes use them too because it helps to speak to somebody about life problems. I say many od us are victims if society but never lose hope in your creator. Allah remember Allah. 

 Ameen. Thankyou so much for your reply. Yes it has been very hard without a dad all my life. He recently came back into my life after my brother passed away however, he is constantly causing me distress. He is depressed himself and has always been an aggressive man and quite controlling and he is still is that today. I can’t miss a call off him or take a few minutes to reply to a text before he jumps down my throat for purposely ignoring him. My life has been so hard growing up and I still don’t feel I have gotten a break. You’ll probably see more detail in my replies to others but it’s not been easy. 

I have tried counselling however I did not feel it helped much and was rather a temporary relief. All the genuine therapists that may help are so expensive and time consuming that no matter how desperate I am to seek advice And help I just can’t even freely do so without either having to pay or some terms and conditions or waiting list. 

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58 minutes ago, Maria Shah said:

Thankyou very much for your answer. But it’s just so complicated. I would love it to be so simply but it will be a huge thing for my family and everyone will disown me. No one will speak to me and I will get kicked out. First thing is they won’t take it seriously and if I tell them how long I’ve been with him they’ll hate me for hiding from them. I don’t know who to contact without being judged but I’m in such a mess and don’t know what to do. My family will never accept him. My mum and dad aren’t together (they split when I was younger due to an abusive relationship), and my dad is very aggressive and an angry man but also blindly follows Islam in these things and won’t stand for anything of the sort. He can’t even stand it if I go and see a friend without swearing and shouting at me. So as you can see I’m so afraid it’s unreal I don’t know what to do but also never been more certain on a boy in my life. I just want some advice on what’s best to do and the right thing because I’m driving myself crazy thinking over it. 

From the perspective of a person who looks at your situation from outside, the only thing you need to do is to make your relationship Halal. Do not overthink. It makes you crazy. Take it easy and take ACTION. 

Talk with your partner about your concern and see if he is interested in Islam. You can marry a Muslim only. If he understands you and interested to Islam, you passed most of the path. Then you both go and talk with your father (please do NOT overthink about your father reactions, just do it). If your father accepts your marriage, you're done. If not, you can go and talk with a Shaykh and explain your situation. Shaykh can interfere and talk to your father.

Do not tell your parents that you've been with your partner for so long. Don't tell them you've been in Haram relationship. Tell them you KNOW the guy and he is a nice person. You heard that he is a nice person You need to talk with your partner first and explain your concern to him. I'm sure he becomes a Muslim and supports you in front of your dad inshaallah. Do not overthink. Take action and take it easy.

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7 minutes ago, AmirAlmuminin Lover said:

From the perspective of a person who looks at your situation from outside, the only thing you need to do is to make your relationship Halal. Do not overthink. It makes you crazy. Take it easy and take ACTION. 

Talk with your partner about your concern and see if he is interested in Islam. You can marry a Muslim only. If he understands you and interested to Islam, you passed most of the path. Then you both go and talk with your father (please do NOT overthink about your father reactions, just do it). If your father accepts your marriage, you're done. If not, you can go and talk with a Shaykh and explain your situation. Shaykh can interfere and talk to your father.

Do not tell your parents that you've been with your partner for so long. Don't tell them you've been in Haram relationship. Tell them you KNOW the guy and he is a nice person. You heard that he is a nice person You need to talk with your partner first and explain your concern to him. I'm sure he becomes a Muslim and supports you in front of your dad inshaallah. Do not overthink. Take action and take it easy.

Thankyou so much for your advice. You’ve reassured me a lot. My first step will be talking to him. I just wanted to say dad is a really aggressive and controlling man and will disown me in a second and probably try to hurt him, he’s really extreme. Mum however is more understanding, would you suggest after speaking to the guy telling my mum? I know she won’t take it lightly either but she’s more likely to understand. Thankyou so much again for the help you made it seem so simple which is what I needed. May Allah bless you eternally. 

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3 hours ago, Maria Shah said:

I have discussed this with him before and he is willing to convert recite shahadah for the sake of being with me but the one thing I’m afraid of is he does not truly believe and is rather doing it to just simply be with me. 

This is an excellent start. I’m sure if he is willing to convert, there is love in his heart for Islam. Even if he doesn’t say it. 

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8 hours ago, Laayla said:

Sister, I hope you are still not committing zina and have since made tawba

This kind of talk is what caused my vaginismus (google it). Instead, it would be better to say, “intimacy is only to be enjoyed by a husband and wife, only within the bounds of marriage.”

Stop saying that sex is bad. Sex is normal and natural, but only should be enjoyed by people who have made their relationship halal. Didn’t you know that the Middle East has the highest rate of vaginismus due to saying that sex is bad?

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1 hour ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

This kind of talk is what caused my vaginismus (google it). Instead, it would be better to say, “intimacy is only to be enjoyed by a husband and wife, only within the bounds of marriage.”

Stop saying that sex is bad. Sex is normal and natural, but only should be enjoyed by people who have made their relationship halal. Didn’t you know that the Middle East has the highest rate of vaginismus due to saying that sex is bad?

sister, please look up what zina means. 

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49 minutes ago, Laayla said:

sister, please look up what zina means. 

I know what Zina means. I’m not saying that Zina is good. I’m saying that we need to be careful about how we say things. Please look up what vaginismus means and why it develops primarily in religious households. 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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5 hours ago, Maria Shah said:

Thankyou so much for your advice. You’ve reassured me a lot. My first step will be talking to him. I just wanted to say dad is a really aggressive and controlling man and will disown me in a second and probably try to hurt him, he’s really extreme. Mum however is more understanding, would you suggest after speaking to the guy telling my mum? I know she won’t take it lightly either but she’s more likely to understand. Thankyou so much again for the help you made it seem so simple which is what I needed. May Allah bless you eternally. 

Thats good that your partner wants to convert to Islam. If I were you, I would tell him to do Shahadah tonight and become Muslim. Thinking of him being Muslim because of me not Allah and postponing converting him to Islam (I mean teaching him to do Shahadah), is from Satan. Satan wants to postpone it and he puts this thought into your mind. Tell him to do Shahadah soon. Remember that converting to Islam takes time, sp be patient. He may not pray initially, so you need to teach him gradually after you made your relationship Halal. If your partner doesn't pray or fast, he is still a Muslim by religion. It takes time to know the importance of religion and following the rules. Be patient.

You can go with your mum first as you said. Again, do NOT overthink. Just take action and take it easy. Inshaallah one day you come here and say that you made your relationship Halal and your husband is a Shia Muslim.

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6 hours ago, Maria Shah said:

 Ameen. Thankyou so much for your reply. Yes it has been very hard without a dad all my life. He recently came back into my life after my brother passed away however, he is constantly causing me distress. He is depressed himself and has always been an aggressive man and quite controlling and he is still is that today. I can’t miss a call off him or take a few minutes to reply to a text before he jumps down my throat for purposely ignoring him. My life has been so hard growing up and I still don’t feel I have gotten a break. You’ll probably see more detail in my replies to others but it’s not been easy. 

 

I have tried counselling however I did not feel it helped much and was rather a temporary relief. All the genuine therapists that may help are so expensive and time consuming that no matter how desperate I am to seek advice And help I just can’t even freely do so without either having to pay or some terms and conditions or waiting list. 

Your welcome. I understand it can feel even more difficult when your own dad is so difficult to deal with. I know counciling can be expensive but the success of counciling comes when the patient is relaxed, open and trusting with the councillor, this is not always easy to achieve. You dont have to go to a councillor. There are useful psychological techniques that you can apply to yourself to improve your mind and behaviour. Look up under "Neuro Linguist Programming" NLP. There are techniques such as Anchoring and Modelling that can help you to turn negative thoughts into positive ones, give you confidence, encouragement etc

Edited by Murtaza1

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6 hours ago, Maria Shah said:

 First thing is i’ve Discussed with him about marriage and he said he would convert for me and will recite shahadah however I’m afraid he’s more doing it for the sake of being with me than believing himself and I wouldn’t want that as he is from a Christian family but he doesn’t believe in god fully himself he is unsure sometimes he says he believes sometimes he questions any existence.

The first step may very well be for him to recite the Shahadah. Even if he doesn't mean the words and he is just saying it as a technicality to marry you. Look at it as a doorway that he is walking through that would allow him to learn about Shia Islam and then slowly (perhaps even baby steps) he would be exposed and begin to start becoming a Muslim eventually. 

6 hours ago, Maria Shah said:

I am in such a dilemma I have kept it all to myself in secrecy for so long I have dug a huge home that I cannot escape and the only peace I find is when I’m with him.

There is no hole that you dig yourself that you can not climb out of. Sometimes it takes time, sometimes you need someone to offer you a hand to pull you out of that hole. Never give up hope. As I mentioned before Allah is with you at every step you take. Turn to him in prayer.

6 hours ago, Maria Shah said:

I know for certain he would stick by me no matter how many excuses I’ve used to leave him he’s always come back checking on how I am. He’s even changed habits in him that I didn’t like and it’s all to keep me happy. Explaining and showing you are two different things and I wish I could tell you how we felt about one another. 

Clearly, a deep emotional bond exists between the two of you. Don't lose that. Use that as leverage to improve not only your life but his also. Love is a very powerful thing that many people go through life without finding so since you already have found someone that you find that with you need to parlay that into a halal life together. Both of you can gain so much from that.

6 hours ago, Maria Shah said:

I know my family will disown me in seconds

Its going to be rough at first, there's no denying that. However, eventually over time they will come to realize that this is the step you have taken in life and that there is no coming back from it. Being the son of Indian immigrants myself I know firsthand how ethnocentric and conservative desi families can be but eventually when they see you being happy it will make things better for them and they will back off on the resistance and negativity.

6 hours ago, Maria Shah said:

I’ve never been more certain on someone yet I can’t do this to my family I just really need help because this is making me so depressed.

At the end of the day you need to do what is best for you and then put your family second. Again, as I mentioned before perhaps speaking to a therapist would serve you well in dealing with all of these bottled up emotions. Holding them in will only make things worse.

7 hours ago, Maria Shah said:

I just want to do what’s best now by my religion and Allah, I have done a lot of bad and I have admitted so but now I want to do the right thing.

Keep that mindset and your future will get brighter day by day.

7 hours ago, Maria Shah said:

I’ve just created such a big mess hiding and I don’t know how to clear it. I have been through hell in my life and some things I can’t say on here no matter how open I’ve tried to be as it would shock you all

You'd be surprised how many skeletons the rest of us have in the closet. No one is perfect and we're all making our way through life in the best way we can but we've all done things that would shock other people if they found out. Its the mercy of Allah that keeps our secrets hidden from the rest of the world.

7 hours ago, Maria Shah said:

I have a large family of 4 brothers (now 3 as one passed away) and two sisters. I constantly do what I can for all of them. My older sister only been in my life for 7 years and I feel like I do everything for her, she has three kids and although I’m doing a masters at the same time I cook for the kids get them ready in the morning feed them etc. Like I go out my way all the time to keep her happy however I feel like whenever things go wrong she takes it out on me. My mum has made some poor decisions in life one major one where it was evident she chose her husband over her kids in a situation I don’t know how any mother could. I still do what I can for mum and respect her. These are just minor things I’m describing to you in a large picture but what I’m trying to say is all my life my family have had big issues and they’re still going on.

As I mentioned earlier you've been through much more than anyone deserves to but also keep in mind that Allah does not place a burden in front of us that we do not have the ability to overcome. Stay true to your faith and things will eventually fall into place. You're still young and have your whole life in front of you. Be patient and turn to Allah for strength, guidance and the peace that you are searching for.

7 hours ago, Maria Shah said:

I’m just so scared to make a step hence why I’m having thoughts of just running away.

Running away won't solve anything. In fact, it'll just make things worse. You're best bet is to speak to your family about the situation in the clearest and most upfront manner possible. Sure, they're going to overreact and get all emotional but stay your course not only with your family but also your future spouse. What looks dreadful now has the potential to turn into the exact opposite if handled the proper way. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction so all this sadness that you have experienced could just as easily transform into happiness in equal measure.

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8 hours ago, Maria Shah said:

the only peace I find is when I’m with him. I know for certain he would stick by me no matter how many excuses I’ve used to leave him he’s always come 

Salam , if you somuch  connected to each other , it's better that he says Shahadat as soon as possible & you marry with each other as more as you keep it asa secret it becomes worser but after saying shahada by him both of you must work more on increasing of your Islamic knowledge specially for him or else if its not possible for you ,end it as soon as possible your relation before you fall in more sin that causes reaching a non return point you must take a decision  before it becomes too late 

InshaAllah after giving Shahada by him & your marriage you will have a successful life 

Edited by Ashvazdanghe

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On 11/5/2018 at 12:57 PM, Maria Shah said:

I have been in a haram relationship for five years now, all behind my families back. The guy is non Muslim but we have been through everything together. He’s done a lot for me and same with me for him. There’s no doubt about my love for him and his love for me people have constantly commented on how much passion we have for each other (friends), I tried splitting up with him a couple of times to get back on track but we always find a way back to each other whether it’s months later or whatever. I feel so much peace with him that I can’t get anywhere else. I have had a very tough family life, mum and dad split when I wasn’t younger and he used to abuse her. My younger brother passed away 2 years ago to a car accident at 16 years so it has been very tough and he is a sense of escapism from all that. I have considered just running away from my family changing my number and everything and staying with him and leaving them a note about what’s being going on. I just see my future with him we’ve made so many plans and I have been awful to him but he’s always been there no matter what. We have slept together as well and planned on getting engaged in summer before I split up with him out of fear. He thinks my family know about us but they don’t. I just don’t want a future unless it’s with him and I don’t know what to do. Please can I get some advice and no negative comments please as I am already fighting a battle in my head and genuinely really am seeking for help, as everyday I just want to run away from home. 

Salam. You put yourself in a tough situation. It will not be easy to get things 'back to normal'. You need to realize this and prioritize things as there are several urgent issues involved in this that you must take care of

First, your relationship with your Creator, Allah(s.w.a) always comes first. As a muslima, this should be your priority. Your relationships with your family and your (potential) husband is a far second. I want you to think for a minute if you died tomorrow, being in a relationship that is based in Zina(adultry), not having repented. What do you think your situation in the akhira would be ? If you said not good, you are correct. It is true that Allah(s.w.a) is Merciful, but He(s.w.a) has placed some absolute limits on behavior for human beings. These limits are few, compared to the scope of potential human behavior, but if you pass those few limits, you have exposed yourself to the potential wrath of Allah(s.w.a). This is troubling you, and it should. 

This is what is the main cause of your anxiety and depression. When your connection to Allah(s.w.a) becomes tenuous due to sin, this is the source of all other problems. You need to fix this first, and right away. Do not wait on this. You have a decision to make. 

This is the main problem with these kinds of relationships. They prevent you from repenting, since you cannot repent (do taubah) while you are actively engaged in the sin without the intention to stop doing it. As long as you are not in a halal relationship with this guy, you are in an active state of sin. You are in a hole and digging it deeper. The first step to get out of a hole, is to stop making it deeper. 

You need to either make this relationship into a legitimate, halal marriage or end it. You need to decide this now. In order for it to be a legitimate, halal marriage, this guy needs to become muslim. There is no other way around it. A muslima cannot be married to a non muslim. He should learn about Islam, and be sincere in his reversion, and your relationship won't last long unless he does this, but at the same time you need to think about the present. If he is willing to do Shahada, I recommend he does it today or tomorrow at the latest. Then do your aqd that same day to make your marriage legitimate. You don't need witnesses for this. If you aren't sure how to recite the aqd, I'm sure someone here can help you with this. Either mutah or zawaj nikah, either is legitimate, but I recommend aqd of mutah for now, in case your relationship doesn't last, at least you won't have to go thru a divorce (which does require witnesses, at least in Shia Fiqh). 

If you are Sunni, maybe some others would have recommendations for the aqd. I am assuming your Shia(you might have said this sorry I didn't read all the posts on this thread). If you are Shia, I also recommend looking at the resalat of your marjaa' to see if your marjaa' requires your father's permission for the aqd. If they do, I would recommend switching to another marjaa', such as Sayyid Rouhani, who doesn't require a girl to get her father's permission for the aqd. 

After you have resolved the issue of marriage, then I would recommend informing your family about this, and your father. Your mother and father raised you and sacrificed for you and the least that you owe them is to not keep it secret from them. If there are bad consequences, then that is what will happen. Life is sometimes messy. You will learn that as you get older. In order to get thru life with your deen in tact, you need to live by a set of values and principles, and as long as you sticking to those values and principles (which for a muslim/a are based in Islam) then you can deal with the consequences, and Allah(s.w.a) will help you deal with them. If you feel like your father will physically attack your or harm you, then I recommend telling him in a public place and making accommodations for yourself that don't involve you living in the same house with him. I would make plans for those accommodations before you tell him, just in case. 

And if you want to know, IMHO, if it is better to end it or make it halal, it is better to end it and do taubah. That is because these kinds of relationships are, as they say, fraught with difficulty. There is a very small chance that this relationship will turn out well. I have been on SC for a while and have seen this more than a few times (when a muslima gets 'involved' with a non muslim guy). There are some very good reasons for this, which I won't get into now, but please consider this as you make your decision. Salam. 

 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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Astagfirullah,it is not my itention to judge no one,but see it so often from "shia of Ali"

At 10th Muharram,people go "Zaynab&hijab,hijab&Zaynab...Yazid do x,Yazid do y,and sad thing is there is no diferenece between many of them and Yazid.

Yazid show disrespect to hijab by riping it,some shove same disrespect by comiting one of biggest sins they can comit such as adultery.So why lanat on Yazid.What is point?

Ya Imam-i-Asri where are You?

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You should end this haram relationship.

It is doing more harm to do you than good and its not worth it, he is not that special, probably your first relationship ever, thats why you might think he is unique and special. Nobody is that special to be worth ruining yourself over, your family and your relationship to your Creator.

I hope you are not ready to break your mothers heart for some guy.

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