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In the Name of God بسم الله
Maria Shah

Been in haram relationship for five years behind families back but in love

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I have been in a haram relationship for five years now, all behind my families back. The guy is non Muslim but we have been through everything together. He’s done a lot for me and same with me for him. There’s no doubt about my love for him and his love for me people have constantly commented on how much passion we have for each other (friends), I tried splitting up with him a couple of times to get back on track but we always find a way back to each other whether it’s months later or whatever. I feel so much peace with him that I can’t get anywhere else. I have had a very tough family life, mum and dad split when I wasn’t younger and he used to abuse her. My younger brother passed away 2 years ago to a car accident at 16 years so it has been very tough and he is a sense of escapism from all that. I have considered just running away from my family changing my number and everything and staying with him and leaving them a note about what’s being going on. I just see my future with him we’ve made so many plans and I have been awful to him but he’s always been there no matter what. We have slept together as well and planned on getting engaged in summer before I split up with him out of fear. He thinks my family know about us but they don’t. I just don’t want a future unless it’s with him and I don’t know what to do. Please can I get some advice and no negative comments please as I am already fighting a battle in my head and genuinely really am seeking for help, as everyday I just want to run away from home. 

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Ask him to accept Islam. And repent. And marry him. I hope you haven't engaged in Haram relationship with anybody else other than him.

Of you truly are a "Shah" you just accepted that you slept with a non Muslim. Sister, that is terrible. May Allah forgive you. Repent, please. And do not share such things openly. 

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26 minutes ago, Maria Shah said:

I have been in a haram relationship for five years now, all behind my families back. The guy is non Muslim but we have been through everything together. He’s done a lot for me and same with me for him. There’s no doubt about my love for him and his love for me people have constantly commented on how much passion we have for each other (friends), I tried splitting up with him a couple of times to get back on track but we always find a way back to each other whether it’s months later or whatever. I feel so much peace with him that I can’t get anywhere else. I have had a very tough family life, mum and dad split when I wasn’t younger and he used to abuse her. My younger brother passed away 2 years ago to a car accident at 16 years so it has been very tough and he is a sense of escapism from all that. I have considered just running away from my family changing my number and everything and staying with him and leaving them a note about what’s being going on. I just see my future with him we’ve made so many plans and I have been awful to him but he’s always been there no matter what. We have slept together as well and planned on getting engaged in summer before I split up with him out of fear. He thinks my family know about us but they don’t. I just don’t want a future unless it’s with him and I don’t know what to do. Please can I get some advice and no negative comments please as I am already fighting a battle in my head and genuinely really am seeking for help, as everyday I just want to run away from home. 

Salam sister. I think he should look into Islam and see if he finds it convincing. At least that way you heart will be at more Peace 

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@Maria Shah

Why are you afraid of "negative comments?"

Why do you care of what online people are going to say or think?

Shouldn't you be more concerned about what your Creator thinks of you?

The problem is you know you are doing haram.  The fact you know you are doing this and continue doing zina, is you have downplayed sin.  

Since you are Shia, did you not know that mut3 was available for you?

So you went ahead and did haram instead of having a halal relationship?

What now?  You have two choices.

1)End the relationship immediately. Avoid any further contact with him.  Repent a sincere repentance, ghusul al tawba, du32 al tawba.  

2)Continue your sinful lifestyle

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Talk to him about Islam, and marriage, and if you want to get married, nudge him to look into Islam and gently tell him to convert. 

Have you talked about marriage recently with him? 

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1 minute ago, Laayla said:

End the relationship immediately. Avoid any further contact with him.  Repent a sincere repentance, ghusul al tawba, du32 al tawba.

Why not getting married when he converts to Islam? Many men who are in love and willing to spend the rest of their lives with someone, and are willing to convert. I’ve seen it happen to a few people.

when the relationship is as deep as it is, they must marry, but the guy needs to convert first. 

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46 minutes ago, Maria Shah said:

I have been in a haram relationship for five years now, all behind my families back. The guy is non Muslim but we have been through everything together. He’s done a lot for me and same with me for him. There’s no doubt about my love for him and his love for me people have constantly commented on how much passion we have for each other (friends), I tried splitting up with him a couple of times to get back on track but we always find a way back to each other whether it’s months later or whatever. I feel so much peace with him that I can’t get anywhere else. I have had a very tough family life, mum and dad split when I wasn’t younger and he used to abuse her. My younger brother passed away 2 years ago to a car accident at 16 years so it has been very tough and he is a sense of escapism from all that. I have considered just running away from my family changing my number and everything and staying with him and leaving them a note about what’s being going on. I just see my future with him we’ve made so many plans and I have been awful to him but he’s always been there no matter what. We have slept together as well and planned on getting engaged in summer before I split up with him out of fear. He thinks my family know about us but they don’t. I just don’t want a future unless it’s with him and I don’t know what to do. Please can I get some advice and no negative comments please as I am already fighting a battle in my head and genuinely really am seeking for help, as everyday I just want to run away from home. 

You could go for muttah despite its is makruh . One of the bad thing happened that with this he will take all Muslim women cheap. But my prayers and if he converts to Islam marry him

Edited by Zulfiqar1472

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6 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Why not getting married when he converts to Islam? Many men who are in love and willing to spend the rest of their lives with someone, and are willing to convert. I’ve seen it happen to a few people.

when the relationship is as deep as it is, they must marry, but the guy needs to convert first. 

2408. If a person commits fornication with an unmarried woman and who is not in Iddah, as a precaution, he cannot marry her till he has sought forgiveness from Allah, and repented. But if another person wishes to marry her before she has repented, there is no objection. If a woman is known as a lewd person, it will not be permissible to marry her till she has genuinely repented, and similarly, it is not permissible to marry a man known for his lustful character, till he has genuinely repented. If a man wishes to marry a woman of loose character, he should, as a precaution, wait till she becomes Pak from her menses, irrespective of whether he had committed fornication with her, or anyone else had done so.

https://www.sistani.org/english/book/48/2348/

 

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1 hour ago, Maria Shah said:

I have been in a haram relationship for five years now

Repentance will serve you best in regard to this at this point. However, discontinue the relationship until you can make it halal. Either through Mutah or through a Nikah.

1 hour ago, Maria Shah said:

The guy is non Muslim

Define Non-Muslim. Is he Ahle Kitab ?

1 hour ago, Maria Shah said:

He’s done a lot for me and same with me for him. There’s no doubt about my love for him and his love for me people have constantly commented on how much passion we have for each other (friends), I tried splitting up with him a couple of times to get back on track but we always find a way back to each other whether it’s months later or whatever. I feel so much peace with him that I can’t get anywhere else.

Clearly, the two of you share an emotional bond. If he is either a Christian or a Jew then you have marriage options available to you. However, if he is not a follower of an Abrahamic faith then things are going to become very complicated.

1 hour ago, Maria Shah said:

I have had a very tough family life, mum and dad split when I wasn’t younger and he used to abuse her. My younger brother passed away 2 years ago to a car accident at 16 years so it has been very tough and he is a sense of escapism from all that. I have considered just running away from my family changing my number and everything and staying with him and leaving them a note about what’s being going on.

Sounds like you have many things going on in your life. Have you considered therapy?

1 hour ago, Maria Shah said:

We have slept together as well

Again, repentance will serve you best on this front with the intention of not comitting it again until you are in a halal relationship.

1 hour ago, Maria Shah said:

He thinks my family know about us but they don’t.

You have to clarify this to him. Sooner, than later.

1 hour ago, Maria Shah said:

Please can I get some advice

  1. Therapy - In your post you have made several mentions of items which have led to you being in a state which requires psychiatric intervention. Depression comes to mind right off the bat but there could be other factors as well. You need to make yourself well before entering any relationship.
  2. How old are you? I'm guessing based on the information that you gave in your post that you are 18(?). You're just a child but a child that has gone through more than she should have.
  3. Have faith in Allah and his limitless love and mercy for you. He's been with you every step of the way and remains with you. Turn to him in prayer and repentance. He's more aware of what you have suffered through and what you seek better than you may know it yourself.
  4. Marriage - From a Shia Islamic perspective Marriage is only valid with a person who believes in the oneness of God (Muslim, Christian or a Jew). If he is not of those faiths then your marriage to him will not hold water from an Islamic perspective. That being said it would be best if you presented this information to him along with how you truly feel about him. He might turn to one of those faiths as a result.

As I mentioned above you've gone through more in your life than most other people should but that doesn't mean you can't emerge stronger for it. Again, turn to Allah in prayer and repentance as well as seeking out therapy. Both will serve you well.

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Salaam Alaykum

Introduce him to Islam and gradually let your family know about that. Keep your relationship with your family. 

Talk with a Shaykh about your situation. Be away from Haraam and make your relationship Halal by marriage

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As long as he recites shahada, you can marry him and it's done. You don't need him to be a sincere muslim, just to recite the shahada and "accept" Islam. The only complexity in all of this is to get circumcised, though nowaday the surgery is pretty easy and affordable.

I won't judge your past with him, but I encourage you to learn from it at least. The secrecy, the ill thoughts of fleeing and leaving your family, etc. are consequence of not speaking openly about your plans and feelings. You love this man and are sure about him, then go ahead and marry him, but do everything step by step, in order not to ruin your relationship. Your religion and culture are an integral part of who you are, and if he loves you, he will have to respect that as well.

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17 hours ago, Akbar673 said:

If he is either a Christian or a Jew then you have marriage options available to you.

 

17 hours ago, Akbar673 said:

Marriage - From a Shia Islamic perspective Marriage is only valid with a person who believes in the oneness of God (Muslim, Christian or a Jew). 

Salam

Brother, are you sure about the bold part? Do you have any sources?

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20 hours ago, Zulfiqar1472 said:

You could go for muttah despite its is makruh . One of the bad thing happened that with this he will take all Muslim women cheap. But my prayers and if he converts to Islam marry him

A muslim women cannot do mutah with a non muslim man.

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3 hours ago, ss99 said:

Salam

Brother, are you sure about the bold part? Do you have any sources?

Thank you for pointing that out. You are correct in that Muslim men are allowed to marry Ahle Kitab while women are not. 

I was thinking from a man's perspective on that not from a woman's. 

To the OP: He would have to convert to Islam before a marriage could happen. 

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