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In the Name of God بسم الله
SeekingHeaven

Returning to my old sins

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Salam, i bacame religious back in 2014 and started to really get into practicing, i stopped many of the sins i used to commit (masturbating, listening to music, cussing, watching porn, etc), but there was one sin that kept inciting me and never left me alone, the only times I would get relief from it is when im spiritually high, and for the past 3 years I have been fighting it, many times actually watching porn and would come really close to ejaculation but would stop before i do and cry to god in repentance only to repeat it a week later and I would cry again to god in repentance and be sad for the day. But slowly after a time i would repeat it but not cry and in a few more months from that i would not even feel bad anymore and just about two months ago I was going to sleep but before i did i was inticed and I watched porn for like 6 hours till the morning without sleeping and after 3 years of not letting myself ejaculate I ended up ejaculating at that time and now it has gotten worse i am back to doing it every other day and a times twice a day and i feel like an empty shell after the act. I tell myself I won't do it again but then i do. I feel like it's killing me but I can't stop and i have NO ONE that i can tell all this to. I don't know if the fact that the people i work with at my job all talk proud of these sins and it effected me or the fact that i see women immodestly dressing in public everyday because i live in the US and i just feel deprived. I need serious help before i am lead to complete self destruction!!!

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Brother, honestly the only thing you need to do is keep yourself busy and occupied throughout the day. You can't be spending time by yourself hoping that you'll not turn to porn, especially if you're addicted to it. That's why in Islam if you're confident that you'll commit a sin at a a certain place, then make that place harram for yourself. If you feel that you'll sin at home during the day, then tell yourself that "I have no option but to go outside, regardless of the fact that I don't feel like it". The more you implement this method, your life will be easy. If you want to study, go to the library where people are present. 

 

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4 minutes ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Brother, honestly the only thing you need to do is keep yourself busy and occupied throughout the day. You can't be spending time by yourself hoping that you'll not turn to porn, especially if you're addicted to it. That's why in Islam if you're confident that you'll commit a sin at a a certain place, then make that place harram for yourself. If you feel that you'll sin at home during the day, then tell yourself that "I have no option but to go outside, regardless of the fact that I don't feel like it". The more you implement this method, your life will be easy. If you want to study, go to the library where people are present. 

 

Thank you for the reply but what you don't get is that the thing which intices me is the fact that i see women around me everywhere dressed super immodestly and what makes it all worse is that they're all muslim because i live in a city which is majority muslim populated. So when i go to work everyday and i see all the customers that come in dressed the way they are my desires kick in right away and it effects me the worst when im at home. I feel so much hatred for all these women because thay are the ones the prophet predicted would come in the end of times. I just wish I could have that sweetness i had for religion when i first started, i want that fresh fate because back then i was so connected to the ways of imam ali and i feel like that always helped me fight it!

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1 minute ago, SeekingHeaven said:

Thank you for the reply but what you don't get is that the thing which intices me is the fact that i see women around me everywhere dressed super immodestly and what makes it all worse is that they're all muslim because i live in a city which is majority muslim populated. So when i go to work everyday and i see all the customers that come in dressed the way they are my desires kick in right away and it effects me the worst when im at home. I feel so much hatred for all these women because thay are the ones the prophet predicted would come in the end of times. I just wish I could have that sweetness i had for religion when i first started, i want that fresh fate because back then i was so connected to the ways of imam ali and i feel like that always helped me fight it!

I think you should make your nafs stronger. Because nothing stops someone from bad but his own nafs. There are many ways to do so, plus are you married? you should get married

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4 minutes ago, Farwa Jawad said:

I think you should make your nafs stronger. Because nothing stops someone from bad but his own nafs. There are many ways to do so, plus are you married? you should get married

I am not married but would like to do so, i am only 21 and still in college 

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Just now, Farwa Jawad said:

I think you should make your nafs stronger. Because nothing stops someone from bad but his own nafs. There are many ways to do so, plus are you married? you should get married

and remember shaitan comes to one who is refraining himself from sins so be strong against shaitan whenever you see such type of girls think of something else or just say: "you cant deceive me this time shaitan" challenge yourself. And do think are you the right shia which Imam Ali wanted his shias to be? Whatever you are doing will please Allah and His Prophet , Ahlybayt. In morning liten to suran Rahman and any other if you want, you can listen to noha in home , otherwise open quran randomly the fist thing you read will be solution to your problem

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10 minutes ago, SeekingHeaven said:

Thank you for the reply but what you don't get is that the thing which intices me is the fact that i see women around me everywhere dressed super immodestly and what makes it all worse is that they're all muslim because i live in a city which is majority muslim populated. So when i go to work everyday and i see all the customers that come in dressed the way they are my desires kick in right away and it effects me the worst when im at home. I feel so much hatred for all these women because thay are the ones the prophet predicted would come in the end of times. I just wish I could have that sweetness i had for religion when i first started, i want that fresh fate because back then i was so connected to the ways of imam ali and i feel like that always helped me fight it!

Are you married ? 

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1 minute ago, Abu Hadi said:

Seems to me like this is the first logical step. 

umm idont know some men do such things even after marriage. What i think important is nafs a person should grow his nafs to such and extenet that he is able to control his desire nor the desires should control him.

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@SeekingHeaven You can't blame women for your porn addiction, sorry to be very honest. This mindset is very wrong, because to get rid of an addiction you need to take the blame and accept that no one is responsible for your actions. There will be triggers everywhere, at home, at work, on your smartphone, on TV etc. You just have to not give in and learn to be responsible even though it's hard. 

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2 minutes ago, Farwa Jawad said:

umm idont know some men do such things even after marriage. What i think important is nafs a person should grow his nafs to such and extenet that he is able to control his desire nor the desires should control him.

Yes, but getting married will give him a barrier against Shaitan. It's like fighting on the battlefield with a shield vs. without a shield. Even with a shield, you can still get struck, but without a shield, you are a 'sitting duck' for Shaitian. 

There is mutah or permenant marriage. You can do mutah with Ahl Al Kitab, you don't need witnesses or a big wedding or big mahr for this. He needs to find a lady that he's interested and start pursuing it. No excuses. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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Just now, ali_fatheroforphans said:

@SeekingHeaven You can't blame women for your porn addiction, sorry to be very honest. This mindset is very wrong, because to get rid of an addiction you need to take the blame and accept that no one is responsible for your actions. There will be triggers everywhere, at home, at work, on your smartphone, on TV etc. You just have to not give in and learn to be responsible even though it's hard. 

exactly.......

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Just now, Abu Hadi said:

Yes, but getting married will give him a barrier against Shaitan. It's like fighting on the battlefield with a shield vs. without a shield. Even with a shield, you can still get struck, but without a shield, you are a 'sitting duck' for Shaitian. 

yeah you're right......

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Before he finds a wife, the other option is 'self punishment'. In other words, find something in the mustahabat that is the most difficult. For many, this is fasting. So make a vow to Allah(s.w.a) that every time I do this sin, I will fast for x number of days. This is an example. For some people fasting is easy, but something like 'Salat Al Layl' or getting up in the middle of the night is more difficult. The point is find a way to punish the nafs, make it difficult, and stick to it. Make it difficult, but not impossible. 

I recommend marriage as the first option though. Self punishment works short term, and sometimes long term, but the problem is that it doesn't resolve the underlying issues, which is a halal outlet for the lust is needed. Until the halal outlet (marriage) is found, the problem will never be solved. It is like, in medical terminology, treating the symptoms vs. curing the disease. The cure for this is marriage plus 'casting down the glance', in other words making every possible effort not to deliberately expose oneself to environment which will move one toward haram. The treatment of symptoms is punishing the nafs. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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how about this.

1. Take responsibility.

2. Stop blaming others, i.e OMG those women are making me sin!. What will you do in the future, when you get married and your wife loses interest in intercourse and you cannot marry another female because she will whine and say you don;t love me, look how special I am, do as I say, and her tantrums will become abundant, as she wants her way not the right way. Make a post?

3. If you cannot get married, then you have no other choice but to abstain. How you do it, is your choice and method.

4. Replace bad habits with good habits.

5. everything requires time and effort.

6. get educated, your post is childish, it seems all of you within the same age group keep repeating the same garbage, sweetness of this and that, clearly it must be the same script being pushed from the pulpits. Start thinking for a change and solving problems.

7, Everything has a price. Whether in being alone or in a company.

8. It is not a desire, but a natural biological bodily function that pushes the male at their untamed testosterone peak to seek out and procreate with a female to create the next generation. But you as have been conditioned to earn and accumulate wealth before being allowed to fulfill this function, it comes with a price.

Edited by monad

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Are men so weak they they can't lower their gaze and remember Allah? Who will be the protectors and the heads of the household? Just take responsibility and try to act like an adult! 

A man who can't control himself and looks at porn isn't ready for marriage. 

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2 hours ago, SeekingHeaven said:

Thank you for the reply but what you don't get is that the thing which intices me is the fact that i see women around me everywhere dressed super immodestly and what makes it all worse is that they're all muslim because i live in a city which is majority muslim populated. So when i go to work everyday and i see all the customers that come in dressed the way they are my desires kick in right away and it effects me the worst when im at home. I feel so much hatred for all these women because thay are the ones the prophet predicted would come in the end of times. I just wish I could have that sweetness i had for religion when i first started, i want that fresh fate because back then i was so connected to the ways of imam ali and i feel like that always helped me fight it!

If you think that it happens because of bad women brother then move to a Muslim country with same job such as Iran or Pakistan. On the other hand, I would suggest you some suggestions if you do, I hope you would be doing fine.

1. Start reading religious books in your free time. 

2. If you are not reading books then go out for games such as cricket or football or boxing whatever you like.

3. Do not sit alone, read quran with translation and read tafsir and also pray. 

5. If you do that for one month, inshallah you will be back to routine.

6. And keep your eyes down when talking to females or if you cannot look down then know that you are talking to a women who is daughter or sister or mother of someone and you also are brother or son of someone like them.

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OP, the way you describe your situation seems to point a wrong understanding of sex altogether, while sex is something intimate and highly emotional. With that mindset, I seriously don't know how marriage is supposed to work right...

Fix your issues first, learn to control your instinct, as marriage is not the definitive solution to these problems. Meanwhile, if you grow some discipline, you will be able to bypass terrible tests. I'm unmarried and have been able to avoid situations in which I was being seduced on purpose, and left politely and without embarassing situations, because I learnt when to tell my head "stop it".

3 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Self punishment works short term, and sometimes long term

I don't know why you call it punishment. If you don't find the right person, it's normal to choose not to marry.

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6 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

I hate hearing how men blame women for their sins. What happened to men controlling themselves?

I even see this behavior in some Imams. An imam was talking and an attractive woman passed him and he said, “fix your hijab, you’re making me sin!” To which she said, “you have to control yourself.”

stop blaming women for your sins. If you get married, and a woman later shows interest despite being married, are you going to blame her for doing haram when you’re married? 

Agree with first part and disagree with the second part.

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13 hours ago, Aflower said:

Lol if you think that women dress more modestly in Pakistan. If you come from what is referred to as an "upper class" family - read as very wealthy and educated - the women generally dress more immodestly than many British Muslims. My cousins in Pakistan wear skinny jeans and skintight sleeveless tops with their midriff showing. They wear knee length cigarette trousers and skirts tooI'm a woman and even I blush when I see them dressed that way. They post pictures of themselves dressed like this on Instagram and their own family members like their pics or congratulate them for losing more weight etc. etc. They are not airhead bimbettes - they are all educated and successful career women - but this is the norm for them and it is considered to be perfectly acceptable. 

It may shock you even further to know that they are all Syeds. Sometimes I feel blessed that I grew up in the UK because if I'd been raised in Pakistan I would have been 'conditioned' to think that it is fine to dress that way. They always say that I shouldn't "judge them" (their go-to word),  because what matters is that they conduct themselves properly - which they indeed do. This is off topic but so many girls in Pakistan wear a Burkah but meet boys in private. Trying to convince my cousins to dress modestly is a futile exercise so I let it be now. 

My mother in law also wore sleeveless blouses with her sarees and no dupatta in her youth in Pakistan. When she married my father in law and consequently moved to the UK, she said that she felt "trapped and suffocated" because she deemed my father in law to be "regressive and backwards" as he made her dress more modestly. All these years later she still complains about the same. 

One can't generalise that people from a certain place will behave/dress in a particular way.

Most importantly, one can never run from their problems. The change needs to be internal as one will find temptation and reasons/ways to sin everywhere. 

 

Very thought provoking, I agree with you what you said. But what you said exists in upper class mostly as they want to look British or American but they cannot be like them and in middle and lower class, you will find these things to be mostly abhorring and detestable, you cannot get every person immodest in Pakistan but in Europe, everyone can be immodest and you cannot question that. 

Besides, I also said that if you cannot move out then bring changes into your thoughts.

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Sorry to hear about your problems brother.

Best thing in my opinion would be if you could ask your parents to find you a suitable person for marriage, even if you do not have the means to start a life (house, etc,) you guys could still get engaged while the two of you finish your studies.

Edited by IbnSina

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On 11/4/2018 at 7:35 AM, Abu Hadi said:

Seems to me like this is the first logical step. Also, I don't want to hear any excuses (I just read above post) like I'm still in college, etc. 

I would like to get married but i cannot do it islamicly here!

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On 11/4/2018 at 7:44 AM, Abu Hadi said:

Before he finds a wife, the other option is 'self punishment'. In other words, find something in the mustahabat that is the most difficult. For many, this is fasting. So make a vow to Allah(s.w.a) that every time I do this sin, I will fast for x number of days. This is an example. For some people fasting is easy, but something like 'Salat Al Layl' or getting up in the middle of the night is more difficult. The point is find a way to punish the nafs, make it difficult, and stick to it. Make it difficult, but not impossible. 

I recommend marriage as the first option though. Self punishment works short term, and sometimes long term, but the problem is that it doesn't resolve the underlying issues, which is a halal outlet for the lust is needed. Until the halal outlet (marriage) is found, the problem will never be solved. It is like, in medical terminology, treating the symptoms vs. curing the disease. The cure for this is marriage plus 'casting down the glance', in other words making every possible effort not to deliberately expose oneself to environment which will move one toward haram. The treatment of symptoms is punishing the nafs. 

I used to practice lowering the gaze and it undoubtedly put most of that desire out but i fell off that track a few times and each time I would come back I would be a lot less motivated!

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Brother @repenter would tell the faithful shia brothers, put Ya Zahra on your right hand and Ya Ali on your left hand, and you wouldn't dare do haram with those names on your hands if you are truly a lover of Ahulbayt.

@SeekingHeaven  Do tawba, ghusul tawba, and follow what brother repenter advised.  Stop watching haram movies, listening to haram music, avoid mixed gatherings.  You will be fine, you just need to stay focused and at all costs avoid being alone.

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On 11/11/2018 at 11:19 AM, Laayla said:

Brother @repenter would tell the faithful shia brothers, put Ya Zahra on your right hand and Ya Ali on your left hand, and you wouldn't dare do haram with those names on your hands if you are truly a lover of Ahulbayt.

@SeekingHeaven  Do tawba, ghusul tawba, and follow what brother repenter advised.  Stop watching haram movies, listening to haram music, avoid mixed gatherings.  You will be fine, you just need to stay focused and at all costs avoid being alone.

95% of the places here have music playing and even the muslim women 90% of them are dressed in a way that will make a man lust, it's been too much and when i think about it deeply i think why hasn't imam mahdi came yet?

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14 minutes ago, SeekingHeaven said:

95% of the places here have music playing and even the muslim women 90% of them are dressed in a way that will make a man lust, it's been too much and when i think about it deeply i think why hasn't imam mahdi came yet?

Dude you have sooooo many execuses! Just stop for one second and analyze yourself! Go back to when you where a kid, connect with kid and connect with your religion. Think how you look in front of god right now! If you think it’s detestable then go pray right now! Pray, pray , pray! 

Are you praying all the obligatory prayers? I would also suggest you do Ziarat Ashura and 2 rakat namaz. Make a habit of not missing any prayers. And TALK to your imams.

from your posts it’s hard to judge if you really want to change, don’t convince us, convince your lord

Edited by Ralvi

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@SeekingHeaven

Brother, My comment is from experience and when I say experience then it really means a lot of.

You will sin irrespective of how hard you try to stop because you are a human being and you cannot be perfect ever so you will wrong yourself this way or that way.

A momin psychologist shared this with me and othet psychologists also say that there are four domains in one's life.

1. Personal Life.

2. Occupational Life.

3. Social Life.

4. Spiritual Life.

Do not mix them. Keep them seperate.

You masturbate (you sin) so does many many other. It is normal.

Now what is not normal is the question then?

What is not normal is that when you stop regretting on your sins and when your innerself dies, which has not in your case so say Alhamdulilah, You still have that sense of acknowledging your sins and you are regretful of it in front of Allah which Allah likes.

At times, We think to ourselves when we are sick and tired of sinning again and again, we think to ourself that how many times will Allah forgive me, this is too much and many other things but these thoughts are just because of our limited mentality and because of us being mere mortals whereas Allah's mercy is unlimited, His mercy overtakes his wrath, Remember this.

Moula Ali(asws) says

A sin that makes you repentant is more liked by Allah than the good deed which turns you arrogant.

So say alhamdulilah that Allah has not made you among those who have gone astray forever and their innerself has died so they cannot recognize their sins and mistakes.

Now what can one do then to summarize all of this?

You can just try to stop sinning (TRY) and that is it brother you can just try to reduce your sins and seek help through patience and prayers.

You masturbated after 3 years which is a long long gap and I respect you for maintaining such a big gap.

Now these lines are very important.

You know why Islam emphasizes of marriages at an early age is because of the fact that people will fall more towards sin in their young age.

As you have mentioned you are working so I would request you to find a good girl in USA or back in your home country and say bismillah and marry with pure intentions إِنْ شَاء َ اللَّه.

REMEMBER the below point!

21 is a very young age, Marry soon or else if your habit of masturbation continues for some more years and then you marry there is a HIGHER PROBABILITY of you continuing your masturbation even after marriage.

--------

Start loving yourself, You are not the worst of people, believe me my dear. You acheive a great status in Islam when your heart is pure, keep it that way إِنْ شَاء َ اللَّه.

Brother one more point, Do more and more good in Huqooq ul ibaadh.

You can always send me a private message whenever you are feeling bad about masturbation.

Do not worry too much.

Good deeds erase bad deeds, Quran's ayah.

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8 hours ago, SeekingHeaven said:

95% of the places here have music playing and even the muslim women 90% of them are dressed in a way that will make a man lust, it's been too much and when i think about it deeply i think why hasn't imam mahdi came yet?

Please reread my post.  This time with reflection.

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