Very depressed

[Jaffryaz]

Assalam alaikum,

Seeking the guidance from you guys, it’s a matter of my 3 young kids (boy 15 - girl 12 - girl -9). Obviously I love my wife ... I made a blunder made a mistake that cannot be undone and I think I have already paid heavy price for it... I did Mu’tah with a Muslim woman, had a child out of it who is 2 years old now... and I am in contact with her once in a year... it was two years ago, my wife came to know about it and left the home since then I am living alone ... my wife lives in his cousin home, I have done everything she demanded, sell the home and gave her maximum money, paying expenses for children every month... she was melting a bit as I continuously pleasing her .. she hasn’t ceased having conjugal relationship... she too loves me and was understanding that my mistake was big but she is ready to move back to me, but the problem is her brother who are not letting her come back to me as they are demanding to bring my second wife and in front of them I should give talaq saying that she was my mistake... for which I do not want to do, I cannot humiliate a woman.

now her brothers threatened me that my wife would take a qula if I don’t do that... 

how can she take qula when she was having physical and loving relationship with me? What are the basis that she can get qula? I was providing her with home and other necessities and more over requesting her to comeback home so that I can talk to my second wife and settle things... what do I do? I’m in a very complicated situation... I love my kids and my wife very much and do not want to loose them.. on other hand I have responsibility of my other wife and child... 

can I let marja to contact her brothers and convince if I’m on haq.

your help and advise would be appreciated and inshallah will dua for you in Karbala as I will be doing arbayeen there.

p.s: I live in Australia and my other wife live in India along with the child.

[ShiaMan14]

On 9/28/2018 at 10:09 PM, Jaffryaz said:

Assalam alaikum,

Seeking the guidance from you guys, it’s a matter of my 3 young kids (boy 15 - girl 12 - girl -9). Obviously I love my wife ... I made a blunder made a mistake that cannot be undone and I think I have already paid heavy price for it... I did Mu’tah with a Muslim woman, had a child out of it who is 2 years old now... and I am in contact with her once in a year... it was two years ago, my wife came to know about it and left the home since then I am living alone ... my wife lives in his cousin home, I have done everything she demanded, sell the home and gave her maximum money, paying expenses for children every month... she was melting a bit as I continuously pleasing her .. she hasn’t ceased having conjugal relationship... she too loves me and was understanding that my mistake was big but she is ready to move back to me, but the problem is her brother who are not letting her come back to me as they are demanding to bring my second wife and in front of them I should give talaq saying that she was my mistake... for which I do not want to do, I cannot humiliate a woman.

now her brothers threatened me that my wife would take a qula if I don’t do that... 

how can she take qula when she was having physical and loving relationship with me? What are the basis that she can get qula? I was providing her with home and other necessities and more over requesting her to comeback home so that I can talk to my second wife and settle things... what do I do? I’m in a very complicated situation... I love my kids and my wife very much and do not want to loose them.. on other hand I have responsibility of my other wife and child... 

can I let marja to contact her brothers and convince if I’m on haq.

your help and advise would be appreciated and inshallah will dua for you in Karbala as I will be doing arbayeen there.

p.s: I live in Australia and my other wife live in India along with the child.

Salaam.

First step would be to try and get a local aalim (not a Zakir) to help in this situation.

Since your first wife is married to you, you are her Islamic guardian and not her brothers.

Are you supporting the first wife and kids financially?

[Bakir]

Your first wife is an adult and can make her own decisions. If she is not silencing her brother, there must be a reason for it. Physical intimacy might as well mean nothing.

Whatever happens, you should still economically help them as that is your responsibility, regardless if you are comfortable or not with the choices she make.

Don't want to sound pessimistic as you have come here asking for help, but if I were her, I wouldn't forgive such lack of honesty in my relationship. That's why I would recommend you to think that she may leave you permanently, but nonetheless you should still take care of your family financially.

[2Timeless]

What do you plan on doing after (if) your first wife comes back to you? She comes back then what? You've still got another woman back in India with your child. And you talk to her once a year. Are you providing for her financially? Are you providing for her and your son emotionally? When you refer to your children you don't mention your fourth, the one back in India, and you don't express any love for him or his mother (in the OP). This is an observation I hope enlightens you and helps you make the right decision.  

[starlight]

Very depressing thread. I wish you had given some thought to the repurcussions before getting involved with another woman. Now not only your first wife feels betrayed but you have another woman and child whose rights you aren't probably fulfilling(from what you have described)

But what I want to remind you is that Islamically you didn't do anything wrong and that's what really matters. You had the right to take another wife(temporary or permanent) without permission from the first. So focus on fulfilling your duties towards both of them. You cannot be away from your temp wife for more than four months and you need to be there for your child. I think you are already fulfilling the rights of your first wife,infact doing more than that. If she or her family stand in the way of you taking care of your other wife and child then they are being oppressors. Please don't let that stop you from doing your duties,because they have been made incumbent upon you by Allah and it is to Allah we all are answerable. 

It seems to me the more you bend over backwards to get her back the more pressure they are trying to put on you. Be polite and be loving towards her but tell her clearly that you have another son who has as much rights over your time and money and as does your older son and you have no plans of abandoning him or his mother. Be reasonably generous with the financial support but don't let them blackmail you into giving them all your money. Tell her you will always try your best that you fulfill the duties of both families with justice and have no intention of ever leaving her or the kids. With these things clearly stated ask her to come back.Don't bend over backwards to accommodate her. If she does, well and good, if she doesn't and decides to take khula, let it be, it's her decision. Everyone will eventually be accountable for their own acts. In either case continue with your moral and financial responsibilities as a father. 

There isn't going to be an easy solution out of this. I would just advice you to stand firm with fulfilling your duties and trying to be kind and just. This is what Allah asks of you in this situation. 

Please remember me in your duas.

[AmirAlmuminin Lover]

Brother, you didn't do anything Haraam. Take care of your second wife, lover her, and love your fourth kid. Why didn't you count your fourth kid? Your second wife and fourth kid need your attention, love, and financial support as well. Once a year visiting is not enough. If Allah ask you that you spent most of your time with your first wife and less with your second, what would be your response?

Never do what your first wife brother asks you to do. I cannot imagine that he asked you to break heart of a woman. It is a big SIN. Your first wife must have kept everything between herself and you. Now her brother knows about your family secrets and makes trouble. I cannot believe that a person asks for that.

There is one SOLUTION for your problem. Follow the Islamic way. That's the solution. Live with both of your wives, provide for them, love them, spend time equally, pay attention to ALL of your kids. Trust in Allah. He will solve your issue gradually IF you do the correct way.

[notme]

If forced or coerced marriage isn't legitimate, how could forced or coerced divorce be valid? 

Tend to your responsibilities toward both wives and all children. You have no control over what other people do. 

Edited October 12, 2018 by notme

[Haji 2003]

On 9/29/2018 at 4:09 AM, Jaffryaz said:

I made a blunder made a mistake that cannot be undone and I think I have already paid heavy price for it... I did Mu’tah with a Muslim woman

Why are you beating yourself up over this? AIUI you have the right to do this. As a married man you could not have done it with a Christian or Jew, but if she is Muslim you're ok. 

[layman]

Salam,

You have not done anything haram. 

Be truthful and fulfill your obligations to both of your wives because both of them know your status and your secret.  Let your first wife decide to be or not to be with you.

Don't wish for your first wife to return to you but ask Allah swt to lead her in making a correct decision.

We all have good memories in our life, especially with the wife.  And we can't delete those memories that made us in love.  

Put your hope in Allah swt to solve your issues and remember HIM if those memories are depressing your mind.

And ask Allah swt to give your wives, children and yourself the patience needed.  Only Allah swt is capable to give the patience and peace in your mind.  If the peace enters your heart and mind, it will also enter your wives and children.

Wassalam,

Layman

 

 

[Jaffryaz]

On 10/12/2018 at 12:03 PM, ShiaMan14 said:

Salaam.

First step would be to try and get a local aalim (not a Zakir) to help in this situation.

Since your first wife is married to you, you are her Islamic guardian and not her brothers.

Are you supporting the first wife and kids financially?

they are not listening to anyone, let alone aalim i don't think they are considering sharia too... 

yes i am supporting them financially and seeing my kids every saturday alhamdulillah

[Jaffryaz]

On 10/12/2018 at 3:03 PM, Bakir said:

Your first wife is an adult and can make her own decisions. If she is not silencing her brother, there must be a reason for it. Physical intimacy might as well mean nothing.

Whatever happens, you should still economically help them as that is your responsibility, regardless if you are comfortable or not with the choices she make.

Don't want to sound pessimistic as you have come here asking for help, but if I were her, I wouldn't forgive such lack of honesty in my relationship. That's why I would recommend you to think that she may leave you permanently, but nonetheless you should still take care of your family financially.

Alhamdulillah I am supporting them financially as much as possible.. I will have sabr, i left everything on Allah .. i cannot reverse my mistake.

[Jaffryaz]

On 10/13/2018 at 12:28 AM, 2Timeless said:

What do you plan on doing after (if) your first wife comes back to you? She comes back then what? You've still got another woman back in India with your child. And you talk to her once a year. Are you providing for her financially? Are you providing for her and your son emotionally? When you refer to your children you don't mention your fourth, the one back in India, and you don't express any love for him or his mother (in the OP). This is an observation I hope enlightens you and helps you make the right decision.  

I am visiting her every 3 months, supporting her financially and emotionally .. my fourth child is no different than my other 3. I plan to bring them here so that they will have continuous support as usual inshallah.

[Jaffryaz]

On 10/13/2018 at 3:22 AM, starlight said:

Very depressing thread. I wish you had given some thought to the repurcussions before getting involved with another woman. Now not only your first wife feels betrayed but you have another woman and child whose rights you aren't probably fulfilling(from what you have described)

But what I want to remind you is that Islamically you didn't do anything wrong and that's what really matters. You had the right to take another wife(temporary or permanent) without permission from the first. So focus on fulfilling your duties towards both of them. You cannot be away from your temp wife for more than four months and you need to be there for your child. I think you are already fulfilling the rights of your first wife,infact doing more than that. If she or her family stand in the way of you taking care of your other wife and child then they are being oppressors. Please don't let that stop you from doing your duties,because they have been made incumbent upon you by Allah and it is to Allah we all are answerable. 

It seems to me the more you bend over backwards to get her back the more pressure they are trying to put on you. Be polite and be loving towards her but tell her clearly that you have another son who has as much rights over your time and money and as does your older son and you have no plans of abandoning him or his mother. Be reasonably generous with the financial support but don't let them blackmail you into giving them all your money. Tell her you will always try your best that you fulfill the duties of both families with justice and have no intention of ever leaving her or the kids. With these things clearly stated ask her to come back.Don't bend over backwards to accommodate her. If she does, well and good, if she doesn't and decides to take khula, let it be, it's her decision. Everyone will eventually be accountable for their own acts. In either case continue with your moral and financial responsibilities as a father. 

There isn't going to be an easy solution out of this. I would just advice you to stand firm with fulfilling your duties and trying to be kind and just. This is what Allah asks of you in this situation. 

Please remember me in your duas.

Thank you very much for your input... 

I know i didnt given thought to the repurcussions, I might have lost the track due to chain of various petty reasons with my first wife, having said that I am not putting any blame on her, it was my ignorance and stupidity and i am repenting for my actions. Inshallah I will stand firm with what Allah says in this.

Thank you very much for your guidance... 

Please you too remember me in your duas.

[Abu Hadi]

On 9/28/2018 at 11:09 PM, Jaffryaz said:

Assalam alaikum,

Seeking the guidance from you guys, it’s a matter of my 3 young kids (boy 15 - girl 12 - girl -9). Obviously I love my wife ... I made a blunder made a mistake that cannot be undone and I think I have already paid heavy price for it... I did Mu’tah with a Muslim woman, had a child out of it who is 2 years old now... and I am in contact with her once in a year... it was two years ago, my wife came to know about it and left the home since then I am living alone ... my wife lives in his cousin home, I have done everything she demanded, sell the home and gave her maximum money, paying expenses for children every month... she was melting a bit as I continuously pleasing her .. she hasn’t ceased having conjugal relationship... she too loves me and was understanding that my mistake was big but she is ready to move back to me, but the problem is her brother who are not letting her come back to me as they are demanding to bring my second wife and in front of them I should give talaq saying that she was my mistake... for which I do not want to do, I cannot humiliate a woman.

now her brothers threatened me that my wife would take a qula if I don’t do that... 

how can she take qula when she was having physical and loving relationship with me? What are the basis that she can get qula? I was providing her with home and other necessities and more over requesting her to comeback home so that I can talk to my second wife and settle things... what do I do? I’m in a very complicated situation... I love my kids and my wife very much and do not want to loose them.. on other hand I have responsibility of my other wife and child... 

can I let marja to contact her brothers and convince if I’m on haq.

your help and advise would be appreciated and inshallah will dua for you in Karbala as I will be doing arbayeen there.

p.s: I live in Australia and my other wife live in India along with the child.

Her brother shouldn't be involved. You and her need to sit down and figure out a way to either move forward with the relationship or divorce, but because of the kids, I think divorce is a bad idea at this point.  My parents divorced when I was young (4 years old) and I barely saw my father after that (maybe once every few months for a few hours). The day he left was the worst day of my life. This feeling of abandonment by my father (although I found out later the situation was more complicated) has not left me to this day, even though I know rationally that he did not really abandon me and still loved me, but it is not something rational and something you never really get over. Think about that. Please. 

But if she, of her own free will apart from the influence of her brother, cannot stay with you and be a good wife to you and fulfill her duties because of her resentment over this other women, it is better to divorce rather than force her to live a life that is not what she chooses for herself. This is a kind of captivity, which Islam definitely discourages, strongly, whether or not it is actually haram. You can still recover from this, but it will take a great deal of effort and energy to fulfill your responsibilities toward your first and second wife plus the kids. Hope your health is good, lol. As they say in the US, roll up your sleeves because you have alot of work to do to correct things. 

You also have a responsibility toward your wife and child in India. Try to fulfill that the best way you can. From what you said, you have not done anything haram, but definitely this is a case of poor judgement, taking a wife and a child who live far away, knowing that you would not be able to give them any more than the very bare minimum. That is not fair to them. Please do your best with them. Salam. 

 

 

 

BTW, Are you the husband from this thread. I just asked because the stories sound very similar. 

? 

 

Edited October 19, 2018 by Abu Hadi

[Jaffryaz]

On 10/13/2018 at 3:40 AM, AmirAlmuminin Lover said:

Brother, you didn't do anything Haraam. Take care of your second wife, lover her, and love your fourth kid. Why didn't you count your fourth kid? Your second wife and fourth kid need your attention, love, and financial support as well. Once a year visiting is not enough. If Allah ask you that you spent most of your time with your first wife and less with your second, what would be your response?

Never do what your first wife brother asks you to do. I cannot imagine that he asked you to break heart of a woman. It is a big SIN. Your first wife must have kept everything between herself and you. Now her brother knows about your family secrets and makes trouble. I cannot believe that a person asks for that.

There is one SOLUTION for your problem. Follow the Islamic way. That's the solution. Live with both of your wives, provide for them, love them, spend time equally, pay attention to ALL of your kids. Trust in Allah. He will solve your issue gradually IF you do the correct way.

Thank you. I am fulfilling the duties to second wife and child too, Inshallah I will follow only the islamic way... feeling a bit sigh of relief 

[Jaffryaz]

6 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

Are you the husband from this thread

? 

 

yes

[Abu Hadi]

On 10/18/2018 at 7:27 PM, Jaffryaz said:

yes

Oh, ok. So I posted my last comment on that thread before I read your post. I am glad to hear the other side of the story now. Please refer to my comment above. 

[Jaffryaz]

9 minutes ago, Abu Hadi said:

Oh, ok. So I posted my last comment on that thread before I read your post. I am glad to hear the other side of the story now. Please refer to my comment above. 

Thank you for the guidance. 

I am unable to accept that my daughters will be living with another man who their mother marries, in case if i agree for khula.. i dont know how would i be.

[Abu Hadi]

12 minutes ago, Jaffryaz said:

Thank you for the guidance. 

I am unable to accept that my daughters will be living with another man who their mother marries, in case if i agree for khula.. i dont know how would i be.

I think you and her should go seek a neutral party, someone who is neither your relative or hers, and can be fair, and discuss this and come to a binding settlement. You must both agree to accept the final settlement and stick to it. If you two can agree on a person, I think this would be the best solution. Ideally, this should be an alim who is familiar with the fiqh issues, but in case no alim is available or appropriate, someone who is knowledgeable about the religion and someone you both trust to be fair. 

Edited October 19, 2018 by Abu Hadi