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Carlzone

Having a baby for your partner's sake

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Salam aleykom, 

Should we have babies for our partners' sakes? 

If you're not sure whether you want children or not, but your partner is obsessed with children and can't wait to have them, should you have a baby for your partner's sake? Yes? No? Why? Why not? Let's say your partner is not interested in taking a second wife and having children with her. 

Edited by Carlzone

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Oh my goodness no! No child deserves a parent who doesn't want him or her. Having a child changes everything in your life. No man or woman should voluntarily have a child unless they want to devote the rest of their lives to raising that child. 

Of course, what God wills will be, and short of abstinence, no preventative method is 100% effective. In general people shouldn't engage in sexual activity unless they are "ready" to raise a child. 

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On 9/24/2018 at 6:09 AM, notme said:

Oh my goodness no! No child deserves a parent who doesn't want him or her. Having a child changes everything in your life. No man or woman should voluntarily have a child unless they want to devote the rest of their lives to raising that child. 

Of course, what God wills will be, and short of abstinence, no preventative method is 100% effective. In general people shouldn't engage in sexual activity unless they are "ready" to raise a child. 

I agree but the problem here is that the partner wants nothing more than having children, like seriously obsessed with them. Can you deny someone you love children if he doesn't want to take a second wife?

Sleeping with your husband is wajib, so there's no way you can say no to that. 

And yes, unfortunately preventive methods aren't 100% effective. Several women in my family have gotten pregnant even though they use birth control methods :confused:

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1 hour ago, Carlzone said:

partner wants nothing more than having children, like seriously obsessed with them.

This should have been discussed before marriage.  

I encourage having children - it's the best thing ever.  But it changes everything.  If a person does not feel ready to have children, in my opinion he or she should not get married except with a spouse who agrees to take measures to delay having children.  

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I know plenty of people who had children before they thought they were ready, usually unplanned, and they are excellent mothers and fathers.  I don't mean to say a person is ever really "ready" to have children.  What I mean is if someone is going to regret having children, they should avoid having them.  Children need to be raised in an environment in which their parents are (at least usually) happy to have them around.  If they are not to a stage in their lives where they can be completely totally 100% unselfish, they need to get there before they are ready to raise a child.  Many people make this change very quickly, out of necessity.

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Firstly everything should be done for the sake of Allah swt. Of course, one can please or obey their partner for the sake of Allah swt as well, so this argument shouldn't be used as an excuse for refusals. 

The woman in question should firstly understand and evaluate why she doesn't want children and if these reasons are justified or not. If they are she can discuss and explain them to her partner because open communication is essential in marriage. It is possible that they will find a common solution that keeps everyone happy.

Wallahu a'lam 

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4 hours ago, notme said:

I know plenty of people who had children before they thought they were ready, usually unplanned, and they are excellent mothers and fathers.  I don't mean to say a person is ever really "ready" to have children.  What I mean is if someone is going to regret having children, they should avoid having them.  Children need to be raised in an environment in which their parents are (at least usually) happy to have them around.  If they are not to a stage in their lives where they can be completely totally 100% unselfish, they need to get there before they are ready to raise a child.  Many people make this change very quickly, out of necessity.

I agree, but how can you know for sure how you will react once they are here? There's no guarantee. I have seen females who were eager and happy to have kids get postpartum depression and wanting to avoid their kids. But I have also seen girls who never wanted kids but got pregnant by mistake and later became excellent mothers, so it's not easy to tell for anyone. 

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2 hours ago, Mahdavist said:

Firstly everything should be done for the sake of Allah swt. Of course, one can please or obey their partner for the sake of Allah swt as well, so this argument shouldn't be used as an excuse for refusals. 

The woman in question should firstly understand and evaluate why she doesn't want children and if these reasons are justified or not. If they are she can discuss and explain them to her partner because open communication is essential in marriage. It is possible that they will find a common solution that keeps everyone happy.

Wallahu a'lam 

Maybe I wasn't clear in my post. It's not really about not wanting kids per se, kids are adorable. It's more like not being sure whether one wants them or not out of fear of not being able to be a good parent or not being able to cope with the responsibility of having children. And fearing the consequences in the akhira if one fails their duties as a parent, and therefore thinking that it might be wiser to not have them at all as it's a big risk in the akhira. 

Communication is great and not an issue here. The guy says it's up to the girl to decide and that he will accept her decision even if she doesn't want to have kids. At the same time he states that he wants nothing more than a family with children, preferably a soccer team if he could choose himself. He is accomplished and happy and this is the only thing he wants more in this world. The girl can live without having any kids, but feels awful to deny him something he wants so badly. Thus the dilemma.

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10 minutes ago, Carlzone said:

Maybe I wasn't clear in my post. It's not really about not wanting kids per se, kids are adorable. It's more like not being sure whether one wants them or not out of fear of not being able to be a good parent or not being able to cope with the responsibility of having children. And fearing the consequences in the akhira if one fails their duties as a parent, and therefore thinking that it might be wiser to not have them at all as it's a big risk in the akhira. 

Communication is great and not an issue here. The guy says it's up to the girl to decide and that he will accept her decision even if she doesn't want to have kids. At the same time he states that he wants nothing more than a family with children, preferably a soccer team if he could choose himself. He is accomplished and happy and this is the only thing he wants more in this world. The girl can live without having any kids, but feels awful to deny him something he wants so badly. Thus the dilemma.

Ok I understand a little better now. She has some natural concerns regarding the challenges of motherhood. However, rather than to avoid these challenges she should perhaps address them and work on a plan (the rest is in the hands of Allah swt)

In our daily lives every activity we undertake has the potential of being sinful, even praying (risk of riya, or self-conceit). As muslims our daily struggle is to strengthen our faith, maintain piety and carry out these tasks, duties and acts with sincerity and faith in Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى 

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Both parties have to be awareness of how things change once you have a child and how hard it can be. You shouldn’t have a child just because your other half wants one. You should discuss why the person doesn’t want to have children. It could just be worry with no real reason behind it. Or it could be they don’t feel they are ready or have the financial ability for the child and family to live comfortably. You never know there may be a physical issue at bay  

Many people have children when they don’t feel they are ready and pregnancy is a time used to get ready. That’s when the paternal and maternal instincts start to come alive as such. 

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On 9/24/2018 at 6:22 PM, Mahdavist said:

Firstly everything should be done for the sake of Allah swt. Of course, one can please or obey their partner for the sake of Allah swt as well, so this argument shouldn't be used as an excuse for refusals. 

The woman in question should firstly understand and evaluate why she doesn't want children and if these reasons are justified or not. If they are she can discuss and explain them to her partner because open communication is essential in marriage. It is possible that they will find a common solution that keeps everyone happy.

Wallahu a'lam 

Sometimes it start from pleasing the partner and accept to make baby because the partner want's a baby (even when someone is not ready), but then in the middle of way they realize that they want to raise the child for Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى sake and trust to Him.

Edited by Abu Nur

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Imo You should only have a child when you’re financially and mentally ready. A child requires a LOT of attention and you need to be able to give it to them. 

You might be thinking I’m crazy for saying that but let’s use the example of a recently married student- say you’re working and going to school at the same time. Will you be able to give your child the time he/she needs? Won’t adding a child to your already busy life create more stress that can lead to a variety of other issues in your life? How will you give your spouse time with all of this going on? Also with someone who you married after knowing for a short period of time-how do you know your marriage will even work out? Not to be a pessimist but getting to know someone and living with them is a totally different thing and people don’t always work out. I know some people have had children before they thought they were ready but I think it’s best to sort out your own life before throwing a kid into it. You should give the child the best chance at having a good environment and good life at home. It’s best not just for yourself but for your child and marriage as well. 

Edited by eloquence
I’m not sure if my response makes sense anymore because I thought it said parent’s sake LOL

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4 hours ago, eloquence said:

Imo You should only have a child when you’re financially and mentally ready. A child requires a LOT of attention and you need to be able to give it to them. 

You might be thinking I’m crazy for saying that but let’s use the example of a recently married student- say you’re working and going to school at the same time. Will you be able to give your child the time he/she needs? Won’t adding a child to your already busy life create more stress that can lead to a variety of other issues in your life? How will you give your spouse time with all of this going on? Also with someone who you married after knowing for a short period of time-how do you know your marriage will even work out? Not to be a pessimist but getting to know someone and living with them is a totally different thing and people don’t always work out. I know some people have had children before they thought they were ready but I think it’s best to sort out your own life before throwing a kid into it. You should give the child the best chance at having a good environment and good life at home. It’s best not just for yourself but for your child and marriage as well. 

If the woman stays at home and the guy provides for the family? And the guy promises to help her with everything except breastfeeding? And the guy is very mature, loving and stable. The problem lies solely with the girl's worries regarding failing as a parent.

Having children is not like having a pet. You can't return them to the pet store if you're overwhelmed. You're in it for life. 

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On 10/6/2018 at 3:00 AM, Carlzone said:

If the woman stays at home and the guy provides for the family? And the guy promises to help her with everything except breastfeeding? And the guy is very mature, loving and stable. The problem lies solely with the girl's worries regarding failing as a parent.

Having children is not like having a pet. You can't return them to the pet store if you're overwhelmed. You're in it for life. 

I don’t really understand your last point because obviously from what I said I understand children aren’t like pets. That’s why I said you should be MENTALLY prepared as well. I think most (normal) people worry about not being a good parent. And the truth is situations may come up where you won’t be the best parent. I think what matters is that you do want to be a good parent and you’re going to try your best to be one. Also I thought the topic said PARENT not PARTNER lol. 

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3 hours ago, eloquence said:

I don’t really understand your last point because obviously from what I said I understand children aren’t like pets. That’s why I said you should be MENTALLY prepared as well. I think most (normal) people worry about not being a good parent. And the truth is situations may come up where you won’t be the best parent. I think what matters is that you do want to be a good parent and you’re going to try your best to be one. Also I thought the topic said PARENT not PARTNER lol. 

The last point explains the worry about having children. 

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@eloquence, I completely agree with you. While it is the man's responsibility to provide, it does not mean that a woman cannot work and delay having children for that very reason. Some women may be perfectly fine with becoming housewives after having children, and that's great. But some women need their job/career because they feel a part of their identity clings onto it. That's also perfectly fine. Like with the example you gave about a student, some women will be fine giving that up for a child, some won't. Some may want to wait for another one or two years to be more established and then take a break to raised a child. It's not always about worrying about failing to be a good parent. It's also about how mentally prepared you are- maternal emotional support is vital- so if you're a student, that may be too much stress for you at that moment in time. I don't get why people NEED to stick to these gender roles. So, if a partner gives the excuse that "oh you can sit at home and I'll provide because that's my job", that can be taken as a suggestion, but ultimately, no woman should ever, ever, allow herself to get pregnant unless she knows she wants it/is prepared at least on a mental level for the changes that will occur to her life.

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21 minutes ago, 2Timeless said:

@eloquence, I completely agree with you. While it is the man's responsibility to provide, it does not mean that a woman cannot work and delay having children for that very reason. Some women may be perfectly fine with becoming housewives after having children, and that's great. But some women need their job/career because they feel a part of their identity clings onto it. That's also perfectly fine. Like with the example you gave about a student, some women will be fine giving that up for a child, some won't. Some may want to wait for another one or two years to be more established and then take a break to raised a child. It's not always about worrying about failing to be a good parent. It's also about how mentally prepared you are- maternal emotional support is vital- so if you're a student, that may be too much stress for you at that moment in time. I don't get why people NEED to stick to these gender roles. So, if a partner gives the excuse that "oh you can sit at home and I'll provide because that's my job", that can be taken as a suggestion, but ultimately, no woman should ever, ever, allow herself to get pregnant unless she knows she wants it/is prepared at least on a mental level for the changes that will occur to her life.

Agreed, that you probably shouldn't bring a child into this world if you don't believe you're prepared to raise it.

On the other hand, you shouldn't really be waiting after your marriage to make those decisions. The couple should talk about this before marriage and the question of having a baby for your partner's sake should be a non-question to begin with. If you know you don't want a kid, tell them before you are married.

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8 minutes ago, Khadim uz Zahra said:

On the other hand, you shouldn't really be waiting after your marriage to make those decisions. The couple should talk about this before marriage and the question of having a baby for your partner's sake should be a non-question to begin with. If you know you don't want a kid, tell them before you are married.

I agree, but sometimes circumstances change. Sometimes when people get married they realise marriage was not at all what they envisioned and so one partner may want to delay having children. So, both should have an open mind and expect a possible change of heart. I personally think that if a man wants a baby and his wife does not, it's ultimately her choice (because of the major bodily and mental changes that will occur to her). If it was the opposite situation though, I don't think it's right at all for the wife to force her husband to have a baby together (by not taking the precautions to prevent a pregnancy).

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I generally don’t think you should have children for your partner’s sake, but if you’re marrying in your late 30s to early 40s, it’d be best to start having children sooner rather than later. 

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On 9/24/2018 at 9:38 AM, Carlzone said:

Salam aleykom, 

Should we have babies for our partners' sakes? 

If you're not sure whether you want children or not, but your partner is obsessed with children and can't wait to have them, should you have a baby for your partner's sake? Yes? No? Why? Why not? Let's say your partner is not interested in taking a second wife and having children with her. 

this decision should be taken after mutual understanding but i recommend having a baby as this new bond will make you closer other wise soon this will happen :furious:

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19 minutes ago, Zulfiqar1472 said:

this decision should be taken after mutual understanding but i recommend having a baby as this new bond will make you closer other wise soon this will happen :furious:

Well as you see people have different opinions. 

And no, I don't believe that needs to happen to couples at all (if you marry a compatible spouse), especially if the guy accepts the girls decision as in the mentioned case.

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5 hours ago, Zulfiqar1472 said:

this decision should be taken after mutual understanding but i recommend having a baby as this new bond will make you closer other wise soon this will happen :furious:

I don’t know... Being pregnant itself is stressful, and it does a lot of funny stuff to the woman’s body and emotions. Also men complain about not being able to get physical with their wife during and after pregnancy (I’ve heard it a lot). What about the postpartum depression. Sometimes they still don’t want to get physical for a long while after having the baby. Let’s not even think about the stress of having the baby itself. The lack of sleep and the amount of attention a baby needs...I don’t know but I think the parents would be stressed more than thinking about the new bond. There are a lot of things to think about before having a baby and I don’t think it’s as easy as saying it creates a new bond...sometimes it just isn’t a good experience for people. 

Also I agree with @Carlzone‘s last point abovE. I don’t think if you don’t have a child you’ll end up wanting to kill each other lol. 

Edited by eloquence

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2 hours ago, eloquence said:

I don’t know... Being pregnant itself is stressful, and it does a lot of funny stuff to the woman’s body and emotions. Also men complain about not being able to get physical with their wife during and after pregnancy (I’ve heard it a lot). What about the postpartum depression. Sometimes they still don’t want to get physical for a long while after having the baby. Let’s not even think about the stress of having the baby itself. The lack of sleep and the amount of attention a baby needs...I don’t know but I think the parents would be stressed more than thinking about the new bond. There are a lot of things to think about before having a baby and I don’t think it’s as easy as saying it creates a new bond...sometimes it just isn’t a good experience for people. 

Also I agree with @Carlzone‘s last point abovE. I don’t think if you don’t have a child you’ll end up wanting to kill each other lol. 

Is it halal to be physical during pregnancy? 

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3 hours ago, Carlzone said:

Is it halal to be physical during pregnancy? 

Salam it' Halal but all marjas say you must check it that it doesn't cause problem for woman & child in womb

http://hadana.ir/نزديكي-در-دوران-بارداري-از-نظر-شرعي/

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12 hours ago, Carlzone said:

Well as you see people have different opinions. 

And no, I don't believe that needs to happen to couples at all (if you marry a compatible spouse), especially if the guy accepts the girls decision as in the mentioned case.

Men should be realistic and romantic scenes are gone while your spouce is pregnant. It is not possible to enjoy the way they use to do earlier. 

Women are more concerned about child so being physical and how to be physical is matter of patience.

Please donot call women after child that you are looking like fat. This is natural.

Donot expect your wife would be slim as before please donot compare with British princess; they have loads of support from workers.

For women if they make habit of exercising in their early teens or atleast 1 year before being pragnant then this will be helpful to get back in shape after pregnancy. Donot starve to be smart.

Let the rose be rose not cauliflower :grin:

Edited by Zulfiqar1472

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